Intervention
by Death Makes An Artist
Summary: This is a story of trust, of diving the deepest the first time, of letting go of inhibitions and regrets. It's especially about letting go of regrets. There is something to be said about trying new things, and in trying new things, it's about growth. Not a part of the Confessions series. A/U Casey/Alex fiction on request.
1. Chapter 1

Intervention

**This is a story of trust, of diving the deepest the first time, of letting go inhibitions and regrets. It's especially about letting go of regrets. There is something to be said about trying new things, and in trying new things, it's about growth. Not a part of the Confessions series. A/U Casey/Alex fiction on request.**

**Steple – Thank you for the request for this story. It's the best compliment I have ever received. I hope this lives up to your expectations and hopes.**

**That said, I don't own anything Dick Wolf does. And, the basic plot belongs to Steple who allowed me to flush it out.**

**Enjoy the reads. And, as always, thank you for the reviews. **

Harvard Law had always been the dream she had gone after as a small child. Ever since that first time she had stepped foot in the court room at nine years old on a school field trip, something about that place called her back. At fourteen, she had found herself an internship with the District Attorney's office, running around with files and papers, making sure attorneys had the appropriate files for court, disappearing down to the file room or the victim waiting room to fetch officers waiting to testify, soothing victims who were frightened of seeing their assailants again, and cheering with the rest of the office when they won a major case. Her first taste of crime was in the court room, pictures of dead bodies, blood, children with bruises and contusions, wives who had broken bones. Crime scene tape glittered her nightmares, and still she wanted more. She hungered for it. Actually, hunger was an understatement. She wanted it so badly it hurt.

And, when she was eighteen, she had discovered the world of economic crimes. White collar prosecution made her feel like a sadist queen, sticking it to liars and cheaters who thought they could get away with stealing from the little guy. She made it a point as she transitioned from high school to her undergraduate years at New York University to follow the economic crimes prosecutors almost religiously. She found her niche and she flourished. She thrived and made enough connections that several judges and the District Attorney wrote her letters of recommendation to Harvard Law. Not that her multi-lingual skills, 180 LSAT, perfect GPA in college, years of interning, and general hard work would not have gotten her a decent chance in the running of applicants, but the letters certainly helped.

So it was that she stood in the middle of Cambridge, fresh off the bus, green eyes wide as she stared around herself. The city was completely unfamiliar, and she was there a week early to attempt to settle in with the fifteen hundred dollars her parents had given her to start her life outside of the nest. It was the first time she was really away from her family. It was refreshing to not have three younger siblings hanging off of her. She was twenty one and two days. Her youngest sister was seven. She was still a jungle gym for her, though the other two were teens and thought they knew everything. She remembered that. The one thing she already missed, though, was her older siblings. She felt small and alone in the strange city despite having grown up mostly in New York, one of the largest cities in the United States.

Curling her arms around herself, she trotted away from the stop, her duffel bag clapping at her calves as she tried to flag down a taxi. Fortunately, some things were not that different from New York. One pulled up within seconds, and she tossed her duffel into the back, climbing into the cab. "Is there a youth hostel around here?" she asked.

"Ya, ya," the man said, and she picked up the Cambridge accent instantaneously. It was like a little radar went off in her head. But, she loved the accent. It was new and different, just like the entire experience was. The bus ride was different. It wasn't that she had never been on a bus before, but alone, across state lines, that was different. Her father was in the military, and she had long traveled with her family to keep up with his assignments, but it was a totally new wonder to travel alone, especially traveling so far. "How long ya been off the bus?"

"Um, excuse me?" She puzzled at the man in the front seat, trying to watch him through the rear view mirror the same way cabbies in New York watched their patrons when they talked in an effort not to take their eyes from the perilous roads.

"Your accent, it's New York, right?"

She nodded. "Yea. It is." She shook her head, chuckling as though she could not quite believe she had just thought him the out of place one when, in reality, it was all her. For once, she was the stranger, the weird one in the city. Then again, in so many large cities, everyone was a stranger. No one was really native, even if that was the city they were born in. The woman herself was not a native to New York. She was from Denver, had moved to Richmond when she was ten, and then to New York at sixteen after living in several countries overseas. The New York accent, she had thought, was barely noticeable. But, it seemed that farther from the city, it became apparent that she had picked up enough of the accent that others recognized it in her. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to being the one with the accent."

It was a very short drive, and she was not up for conversation at all. Instead, she stared, fascinated, out of the cab window, mouth hanging open. There were cobblestone streets and low buildings and trees that really looked like trees. It was different from the city, but not that different, and it held her in rapture. She could not take in enough during the drive from the Greyhound station, and she wanted to tell the driver to keep driving around the city so that she could see it. But, there was no way she could afford such frivolous things. Later, she promised herself, she would walk the city and find out how much the local bus cost.

"Hey, kid. You're here." The cabbie was looking back at her like he had been trying to talk to her for several minutes, but she had zoned out. She blushed, embarrassed to have been caught off guard. Her father would have been disappointed that she had lowered her guard. He had always said that she needed to be alert. If she were a woman in a city by herself, she knew she needed to start paying attention. It was important to her safety. College campuses could be scary, anyway. There had been enough crime at her undergraduate college that she expected nothing less, even from a prestigious school like Harvard.

"Oh," she said with a startled smile. "Thanks. What do I owe you?"

"Fourteen even."

She handed him a twenty. "Thanks. I appreciate it. Where's Harvard from here?"

The cabbie pointed. "About fifteen blocks that direction. You can see the campus from here." She followed his finger, and, indeed, she could. She could get a room for the night and then go to the campus for the day. She still had a lot to do with registration and enrollment. Plus, she had to sign up for the mentoring program. As a first year law student, she had already been assigned a second year mentor, a woman who also wanted to go into prosecution if she remembered correctly.

"Thanks," she called as she closed the door behind her.

"No problem, kid. Good luck."

She went to the front desk of the hostel, registering for a room shared with three other people, one woman and two men. One of the guys was her age, the other considerably older. The woman was younger. She barely stayed long enough to say hello, shoving her duffel bag under the bed, putting her important things into the back pack she had stuffed in the bottom of the bag. In part, she had student loans to live off. In part, her parents, proud she was going after her dreams of becoming an attorney and the only child old enough to attend college who had, made the point of lending her what they could. Mentally, she had sworn that she would repay them double the moment she had the chance.

Back pack slung over her shoulder, she walked the fifteen blocks to the college, staring around her at the architecture of the city. There was so much to wonder about, so much she wanted to explore. It was a block and a half from the campus that she stumbled over a small cafe with a hiring sign in one of the windows. The first thing she would need was a part time job. Harvard would not like it since first year students were not supposed to take on jobs, but she needed the money to pay for food and supplies not related to school. She was really grinding it just to attend Harvard, but her parents had encouraged her. It was, after all, what she wanted, and she was no stranger to hard work.

"Hi," she said to the woman behind the register when the couple in front of her finished ordering their to-go pastries. "Um, I'm new to the city, but I saw the hiring sign. Is there any way I could pick up an application?"

The woman smiled. "Tell you what, kid, you look like you just fell off the bus. Come in tomorrow morning at eight and talk to the GM. His name's Mark."

"Awesome. I'm Casey. Uh, what's your name?"

"Terri," the woman replied, reaching forward and shaking her offered hand. "Nice to meet ya, kid."

"You, too. I'll be back at eight. Thanks so much for giving me the chance to talk to him."

The woman shook her head as Casey practically skipped out of the store. To be young and innocent was sweet, even though Casey was not as innocent as her age made her appear. She was only happier when she stepped foot on that campus, the grass just changing into its fall colors, and she bit her lip to contain the excitement. There was no way that she was the only one practically jumping out of her skin to attend Harvard, but then again, those people around her seemed so much more regal than she was. They wore suits and ties to school. She was in jeans and a green, long sleeved blouse that was cut just low enough to make someone look but not low enough to be a slut. Her father's cameo back pack over her shoulder made her look like some hoodrat who was lost.

Suddenly nervous, she fingered the charm around her neck, a soft ball and bat charm her brothers had bought her as a good luck gift. Her older brothers were all in the military, all four of them. She was one of nine children, one of three girls. One older sister, one younger. The rest, boys. Her two younger brothers wanted to go into the military, too. None of them had bachelor's degrees. Her sister came the closest with an associates, but she had dropped out to rehabilitate horses on a ranch upstate. Casey sincerely hoped her sister would attend a veterinary college. She would be such a great vet. But, until Stephanie made that move, Casey was the only one. Even her parents had not pursued higher education, much less a graduate degree of some kind.

"Hey, you look lost," a voice called over to her. Casey stared at the source of the voice. The woman had a high pitched voice than she did, but not by that much. Her blond hair was tied back into a pony tail that flopped from cheek to cheek as she jogged over to her. Tight, black spandex kapris hugged legs that did not seem to end, and Casey found herself staring. She wore a blue tank top under a zip up hoodie with a caricature of Mickey Mouse. The woman was not taller than she was. In fact, they were about matched in height. They probably wore the same sized clothes, but Casey found herself instantly envious of the stranger with blond hair and cavernous gray eyes.

Subconsciously, she dragged her fingers through her ruby red hair. She used dye from time to time to make it darker, but even her natural color was a deep red. Still, it was nothing like the blond that came to a halt beside her. The woman was hardly even panting. "A little," she admitted, feeling inferior once again to the women around her. In high school, she had been all too self conscious about her small chest, boyish mannerisms, and athletic affinity. She was teased as a lesbian by other girls not on the softball team, a team she had joined her freshman year. It wasn't just softball, though. She played soccer, tennis, ran track and field all for school, but on the side, she played football with the boys, hung out with the baseball crowd, and could spit like a guy. She wasn't a lesbian. She very much liked men, but staring at the blond before her, she had to admit she was not acting like she was straight.

Shaking her head, Casey blushed and looked down. "Sorry. I'm new to the state."

"First year, huh? Law?"

"Yep. Are you a student here, then?"

The blond nodded. "Second year law student. I had to come down to find out who my mentoree is. I'm hoping that they'll tell me something about him or her from the application. I want to put together a first year survival kit for whomever it is. You know, a welcome to law school kind of thing, you're in for a wild ride. Something to act as a pick me up on those late nights studying."

"So, a lot of vodka?" Casey asked with a smile.

Laughing, the blond shook her head. "Yea, something like that. Hey, do you know who your mentor is?"

Casey indicated the negative with a shake of her head. "I just got here. Literally. I think the bus left an hour ago." Casey shifted her bag to the other shoulder, holding out her hand once more. "I'm Casey. Who are you?"

"Alexandra," the blond replied, meeting her hand with a tight grasp. It was firm and powerful. From the handshake alone, Casey could tell Alexandra was accustomed to getting her way. But, as Casey met the woman's eyes, she found that even her eyes smiled. A perfect lavender gray which only added to the level of envy Casey felt about her. "Nice to meet you. You want a tour?"

"Would I ever," Casey grumbled. "I'm so lost already, and my hostel is only fifteen blocks from here."

Alexandra laughed. "You'd think it would be easier being from a big city, right?"

"Oh, God, absolutely right. I thought Cambridge would be easy compared to New York. But, it turns out, it's more complicated." Casey chewed at her lip, sighing with playful dramatics. Alexandra snickered. "I could use a tour guide. Not just for the school, but if you've been here for a year, you must know the ins and outs of the city, too, right?"

Alexandra shrugged, her hands on her hips. "Maybe," she said, her voice coy. "Guess you'll have to stick with me and find out."

Casey smiled. "Thanks. I really do appreciate it. I've never been out on my own before. I mean, kind of, but I lived at home for my undergrad."

"Me, too," Alexandra said. "This place was so scary my first year. That's why I wanted to make the survival kit. Come on, let's get you that tour. We'll stop by the Registrar as well. Have you signed up for classes?"

Casey shook her head. "Nope. I've got nothing."

"Newbie." Alexandra rolled her eyes.

Casey shrugged, hoisting the bag higher on her back as she followed Alexandra further onto the campus, the blond talking about what each of the buildings was called and the history behind them. Casey tried to pay attention and learn more about the history of her law school, but, in reality, she was just far too excited to be in the city than she was anything else. The architecture of the campus was breathtaking. She was absolutely in awe of the buildings, the grounds, and the jokes the woman walking beside her was cracking.

"Hey, you okay?" Alexandra asked. "Earth to Casey. What's up?"

The red haired woman shook her head, her smile lopsided before she sucked in her lower lip, the lip gloss she had put on smearing over her teeth and tongue in a burst of berry. "Just taking it all in, Alexandra."

"Alex. Seriously, Alexandra is what my parents call me. It drives me up the wall. That is far too formal of a name."

Casey laughed. "Alright. Alex, then. I like that better. Alex what?"

"Cabot. What about you?"

Stopping, Casey stared at the blond woman before her. "Alexandra Cabot? The Alexandra Cabot? Your uncle is a judge in New York. Everyone at my internship raved about you. The DA seriously hopes you'll apply once you graduate."

"Fuck. I haven't even graduated, let alone taken my bar. But, that would be cool to work for the Manhattan DA. I've always wanted to work for them. You interned there?" Casey nodded. "Small world. I interned at the court house. Officially since I was fifteen. Unofficially, since I was maybe five. I loved being in court with my uncle."

Smiling, the red haired woman pointed out, "I've been at the DA's office since I was fourteen. You mean we spent five years less than a block from each other and had no idea?"

Alex shrugged, closing her eyes as she sighed. "New York."

"Jesus Christ, New York indeed."

"So, you never answered me. What's your last name? I have to find some way to look you up in the student directory."

Casey laughed. "Novak. Casey Novak."

"Nice. Well, I'm honored, Miss Novak, to meet you and be your tour guide. It's about time our paths crossed."

She laughed again, Alex joining in. Shaking her head, Casey pulled her cell phone from the pocket on the strap of her back pack. "I'll do you one better, Cabot. What's your number?"

Alex gave her a phone number, New York area code. "Alright, you've been text messaged. I better hear from you after this afternoon, you got it?"

"I got it, Novak. Jeez, you're a pushy one."

Playfully, Casey pushed Alex's shoulder, the blond stumbling to the side, laughing as she returned the gesture. "Two can play at that, Novak," she said.


	2. Chapter 2

Her phone rang early in the morning, and by early, it was probably around five thirty. The world outside was still dark, and she turned over. "Hello?" she grumbled, yawning as she fought back the exhaustion she felt deep in her bones The whole trip was exhausting even though she was excited.

"Wake up, Novak," the all too chipper voice on the other line said. "You've got a long day of apartment hunting a head of you, and I want to get in a run."

"Ugh, Cabot," Casey groaned as she scrambled out of bed and out of the room she shared with the others at the hostel. "You have poor timing. Where are you?"

"Outside the hostel. It's the only one fifteen blocks from the campus."

"You sure you don't wanna be a cop?" Casey grumbled. "Give me five minutes. I'll be down. What makes you think I run, anyway?"

"You have a softball necklace." Casey fingered the trinket, wondering how Alex had managed to be so observant. "You have to run bases, you may as well run the streets."

"Damn detective. Fine." With that, Casey hung up the phone and snuck back into the room as quietly as she could. She dug running clothes out of her backpack and grabbed the small Velcro wallet with all of her identification in it as well as her cards and a few folded checks from her check book back in New York. Her parents were going to mail her everything once she found a place to stay.

Quickly and quietly, she dressed and trotted down to the street where she found the leggy blond from the previous day leaning up against a tree doing calf stretches. "You're an ass, Cabot, you know that?"

"You must like something about me," Alex returned. "You did come down."

Casey groaned. "Too early to argue."

"It's never too early to argue."

"I retract my earlier statement, Alex. You definitely make a better attorney."

Alex beamed, flashing her white teeth at the red haired woman. "I knew you'd see it my way."

Sticking out her tongue, Casey began to jog in the direction of the campus. The blond caught up easily, grinning from ear to ear. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Bull shit," Casey said, but she could not help but smile herself. It really was infectious. It seemed that Alexandra was always in a good mood. Or, at least, that was the impression Casey got from being around her. In the two days since Casey had been in Cambridge, the two young women had spent a great deal of time together. Casey had gotten the part time job at the diner which made her even happier, and she had started the apartment hunt immediately thereafter in an attempt to be free of the hostel as soon as possible. It was not a bad place, but it was somewhat frustrating with everyone watching her leave. She was a little nervous about her possessions, too.

Alex pushed Casey's shoulder as they rounded a bend and took off ahead of her, turning around to run backwards as they talked. "Cows shit, too," Alex said, "but they don't brag about it." Flashing Alex her middle finger, Casey took off at a dead sprint, pushing herself the same way she pushed herself to round the bases. She flew down the steps leading from the street to Harvard's campus less than a hundred yards from where she had begun her sprint and disappeared into a small cluster of trees that were growing around a decorative fountain.

Laughing, Casey climbed up the side of the fountain, leaping for a low branch on one of the thick but young oaks. Catching it, she swung herself onto the branch with athletic ease, holding on as she looked down for where Alex would enter the small spot that never seemed to not be shady.

As Alex jogged past, she slowed, looking around. "Casey, where'd you go?" Cautious, Alex walked around the fountain, looking for her new found friend. "Seriously, Novak, what the hell?"

Casey pushed at a supple, smaller branch sprouting from near where she was laying. The leaves shook and rustled, already having dried and changed colors. They were merely waiting for a hefty gust of wind to topple them to the ground. Alex jumped at the sound of the movement behind her, flipping around, her eyes wide and searching. Pressing against the branch again, Casey caused it to shake a second time, several leaves falling like ghosts to the ground. This time, Alex caught the movement and looked up. "You cheat!"

Stretching out like a cat, Casey smiled. "Just a little," she teased. She had made some friends as she had grown up and some others in college during her undergraduate years, but at New York University, she had been more prone to being disgusted by the antics of her classmates. Casey had never been one to join in the drinking games or the frat parties. They simply weren't her style. Mostly, she preferred to put her head down, bury herself in her studies, and call it good.

It just so happened, too, that this happenstance meeting had occurred for the better. Alexandra Cabot was her second year mentor, and they already knew they had clicked. Casey was grateful because she needed all of the help she could get. There was a lot she did not know about law school and a lot she knew she would need help with. It was not so much the studies or even the subjects, it was just the intensity of being so far from home. She was okay with the meager means of supporting herself because with so many children and a military family, some months had been harder than others. But, the companionship she had since the day she was born, even if it were only siblings, was something she thought she would miss so much more if she had not yet met Alex.

Pouting, her blond friend stared up at her, hands on her hips in a Peter Pan gesture that made Casey smile. "You're so goofy," she said, smiling faintly before adding, "for a Cabot."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alex asked, clambering onto the fountain so that she was closer to eye level with Casey.

"Just that I expected, I don't know, someone more regal, more poison froggish."

"Froggish? Novak, is that even a word?"

"Is now, I said it." Casey offered a Cheshire cat grin, locking her arms and legs around the branch and tumbling off the branch so that she was hanging upside down, her hair in Alex's face. The blond automatically stepped backwards to avoid the onslaught of red, splashing down into the fountain. Water kicked up and sloshed over the sides of the fountain, and Casey brushed water from her face. "Crap, Cabot, can you keep your footing?"

"Some of us aren't so agile as you are," the blond woman grumbled, standing up and wringing water from her shirt. She stared down at the ground, cautiously stepping over the wall and onto the drying grass, shivering as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Casey dropped from the tree to land on her feet. "Jeez, Alex, I'm sorry. I really am. Are you okay?"

Still shaking, Alex nodded. "I'm okay. Can we go by my place so I can change before we go apartment hunting?"

"God, yes," Casey chirped, looking around. "Take off your shirt really quick."

"What? No. Casey," Alex protested, her teeth chattering.

Casey stripped her tee shirt off revealing that she had a neon green sports bra on underneath. She flushed in the cold, her body tensing at the sudden breeze. She could feel Alex's gaze travel down her body. It was slow, like she were appreciating her. Then again, Casey tended to wear loose shirts even if they were a little more risqué than what her mother would have hoped for her. Sure, she and the other girls had paraded around the gym locker room in bras and underwear more than once, but Casey had always been shy about her body. It was the whole Catholic thing. "We're both girls, Alex. And, your shirt is soaking wet. Something dry will at least keep you warmer headed back to your apartment." Looking around, Casey nodded. "No one's nearby. No one will notice."

"Fuck, Novak. You suck."

Shaking her head, the red head merely replied, "Nope. I'm Catholic."

"Fine. You don't suck yet, but one day, you will."

Casey flushed, her hands folding in front of her as she looked down. "If it'll help, I'll turn away."

The blond shrugged, chattering audible. "I don't care." Casey held out the shirt, and Alex yanked hers off, tugging the other shirt on as quickly as she possibly could. "You sure you're okay in just a sports bra?"

"It beats the one you're wearing," Casey smirked.

"Oh, Novak, I'm going to beat you senseless."

Casey laughed, racing out of the trees. "You're the one that said you didn't care if I didn't turn away," she called back. "'Sides, if you're going to beat me senseless, you have to catch me first."

Taking off, Casey flew over the campus grounds, pushing herself harder than she normally did because when she hazarded a glance backwards, Alex was hot on her heels, matching her speed even though she had gotten a later start. Whether or not Alex caught her seemed to be fated by which one of the two women could run faster, harder, and longer.

Dodging a red light, Casey pushed herself to get across the cross walk just before the light changed, beating Alex by just a couple of seconds. Panting, she slowed on the other side of the light. "Truce!" she called. "Truce, Cabot!"

Before she caught her breath, the light changed, and the athletic softball player found herself fleeing from the blond again, Alex chasing her. "Left here," the blond yelled, and Casey banked a left, the pounding feet of her companion right behind her. She was so close, Casey would have sworn Alex could have reached out and grabbed her, but she did not. "Another left."

Doing as she was told, Casey continued to run, though she could feel herself slowing down. Either Alex was slowing down, too, or the blond was playing with her. Casey could not tell. Nor did she care. Quite simply put, she was having far too much fun.

"At the stop sign, take a right." That time, the voice was almost in her ear, and Casey jumped. Alex smiled as she trotted up beside her classmate and new friend. "Creepy, huh?"

"You think?" Casey slowed to a walk, her legs burning, her lungs desperate for air. It felt good to push herself that hard. She had always been harsh with herself, but never more about her short comings. If she could not have a feminine body, she had decided to make herself as boyish as possible, and yet she still seemed inadequate. That was the only bad thing about going somewhere new. Her competition changed. But, in this case, she hardly minded as much as he might have. "You're a good runner. Sprinter and distance."

"No. Just distance. You lost me back there for a while, but when you started to slow, I caught you," Alex admitted with a shrug. "You're the one with talent."

"You're kidding? I'm about ready to collapse over dead," Casey said, looping an arm over Alex's shoulder, dramatically hanging her weight from her. "Oh, God, Cabot, carry me, my legs are going to break."

Alex yalped as Casey dropped her full weight on her. "Novak!"

Laughing, Casey stood back on her own two feet. "Sorry. I have mostly brothers. Even my sisters are tom boys. It's more like we're all kind of boys. I'm just an honorary boy."

"Uh huh, sure. Whatever." Alex rolled her eyes. "All I'm saying is that from where I'm standing, you're a very beautiful woman."

Shoving her hands into her basketball shorts' pockets, Casey shrugged. "Where's your place from here?" she asked, diverting the topic. Talking about her body made her incredibly uncomfortable, and it showed. It was probably the deeply ingrained Catholic lady behavior her mother had pushed on her over and over. Her father was Catholic, too, but he was not nearly so devout as her mother. As such, Casey had grown up practically in the cathedrals, particularly when she was living in Europe. There was almost no turn that could be made without there being a cathedral within a block. It was kind of ridiculous, she thought. But, it had given her an appreciation for architecture. If she were not so dead set on law, she would consider a career in architecture or one involving ancient cultures and art.

Alex pointed at the building behind her. "We're here," she said, reaching out and taking her shirt from Casey, unsure how the woman had managed to obtain her soaking tee. The red head gave it up with a sheepish grin and followed the other woman up the stairs to the second floor. "So, my disclaimer is that it's kind of messy."

Casey shrugged. "I really don't mind. Homes can get kind of messy."

Alex opened the door, and Casey followed her in, taking in the modernist apartment with awe. "You can afford this all while attending law school?" she asked as she stared around the large living room and puffy looking leather couch that seemed to call to her to sit on it. The coffee table before it was some kind of dark wood. A bookshelf lined the wall opposite the couch where normally, Casey would have expected a television set.

"What do you mean? Casey, you're attending Harvard. I just assumed your family had money."

"Um, no." Casey wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling even more naked than she was. To think, she had been traipsing around the city dressed like some kind of hooker! Her mother would kill her if she ever found out. "My dad's in the military. I mean, we have enough to get by, especially with most of my brothers being in the military, too, but I kind of used their graces for my undergraduate. I took out student loans to attend Harvard."

"No fucking way." Alex stood back, her body straight as she placed one hand on her hip, expression of total awe on her face. "Wow. Okay, so we won't go apartment hunting where I was planning on going today. What's your budget like?"

Cheeks as red as her hair, Casey looked down, licking her lips. "I think I can afford about five hundred a month before utilities. That's if I get at least twenty hours at the cafe. God, Alex, I'm so bad at this."

Laughing, the blond gestured to the couch. "Okay. Well, then, sit down. Let me get out of these wet shoes and socks because it's seriously starting to gross me out. Then, we'll figure out your budget."

"Thanks."

Casey flopped on the couch as Alex disappeared into her bedroom to change. In the absence of her hostess, Casey looked around herself. The books were fantastic on the shelf, ranging in topic from law and philosophy to medicine to history to just about everything else Casey could even imagine wanting to read. Casey felt envy twist deep into her stomach. Immediately, she felt guilty about being envious, and dropped her head in shame. The Catholic guilt was phenomenal, even in someone who sincerely questioned those beliefs. It was just there, almost like she had been born with that guilt as much as she had been born with sin.

The trinkets on the bookshelf amused her, too. Some of them were predictable for a law school student. Others were predictable for what little Casey knew of Alex. Some of it seemed to surprise her. A little row of colored stones lined up on the top shelf intrigued her the most. From some of her alternate religions studies in high school, Casey recognized them as the colors of the chakras, ordered from first to seventh. Standing, she approached the shelf, her hand hovering over the colorful stones. A part of her wanted to touch them and turn them over in her hands, but she did not. To touch some one else's things without their permission was still something she could not quite bring herself to do despite her experience in the real world. Some lessons of childhood just never melted, though it did not seem to bother her brothers or either of her sisters. Kennedy grabbed whatever she wanted. She was seven, though, and Casey had a little more forgiveness for the child when she went through Casey's things in their shared room at the Novak household. Stephanie had been the trouble girl, the only one of the Novak clan with a police record, though it was for petty things that had amounted to a small fine that she paid to the municipal courts.

"You can touch them," Alex said from behind Casey somewhere. Turning, Casey stared at the woman in the doorway of her bedroom. She had changed into jeans and a white top with a black knit sweater and gray scarf. If anything, Casey felt even more naked in her bra and running shorts. For a moment, she debated hard between covering herself up or touching the strangely colored stones.

Her curiosity won out in the end, and she picked up the red one, turning it over in her hands. It was not stone, but some kind of metal shaped and stained to look like a rock. It was also heavier than its size indicated. "Red is the base chakra," Alex said. "It allows you to ground yourself and be within the physical plane."

Casey set the metal back on the shelf. "What about the others?" she asked, not really all that familiar with what they meant.

Alex handed Casey the hoodie in her hands. It was a plain gray zip up hoodie, and a grateful Casey pulled it on, cloaking her skin in one single zip. She felt much better just knowing she was decent. It was not that she regretted giving Alexandra her shirt. It was, after all, her fault that she had gotten it wet in the first place. But, she still had felt somewhat naked without a top. Alex picked up one of the stones and held it out. "Violet is for the crown," she said using her other hand to touch the top of her head. "Balance here represents one's identity with the infinite. Indigo is for your third eye. Blue, your throat, to express the truth with your voice. Green for your heart. Yellow for the solar plexus. And, orange is sacral."

"You into all of the metaphysical stuff, then?" Casey asked, genuinely curious.

"I guess. It's not super important, but it's kind of fun. My ex got them for me as a gift. I didn't really have the heart to throw them away even after we broke up." Alex shrugged before digging a notebook from between two books on the shelf. "Okay. Let's talk about your budget."

Sensing that the whole ex situation was not a pleasant one for Alex, Casey let the subject change even though she was now curious about this man Alex had dated. Casey had, herself, never really dated. She had attended prom with a guy, but when he wanted more than just companionship and dancing, she had drawn the line and gotten the heck out of dodge. In truth, the girl had never been kissed, though she would probably never admit it. She hated that she was so naïve. Anyway, she had long since learned that it was best to never admit to something like that. It was a good way to be made fun of.

Casey collapsed beside Alex. "Alright. Well, Mark's gonna be working me twenty hours a week at four dollars an hour plus tips."

"Okay. So, to be safe, we'll say eighty dollars a week from the cafe." She jotted that down. "My suggestion to you is to save that for food and bus money. It's easier to eat off an income than anything. You can use student loans to cover housing because you're more likely to find a place if you can cut them a larger check all at once. Then, they won't care that you don't have a rental history or you only work part time. So, what's that like?"

"How do you know so much if you've never had to worry about it?"

"I didn't say I didn't have to balance books. My father owns a vineyard. I grew up as his secretary whenever I wasn't in the court room. My majors were business and economics. This is cake walk compared to some of that stuff. Do you have any other bills? Things you have to pay from before like credit cards?"

Casey shook her head. "Nope. How did you go from business to law?" she asked.

"My dad still thinks I'm studying civil law here. I mean, some of the classes are civil law. All students have to take torts. But, I'm taking as many of the criminal law courses as they offer. Still, I really do like trade law. It's kind of fascinating. It's kind of sad, too. It makes me realize how greedy people are."

"You'll get that in criminal law, too," the red haired woman pointed out.

"Tell me about it." Alex rolled her eyes and leaned back into the couch. "Okay, so, you have your student loans minus your tuition and books. Do you know those numbers?"

For a good half hour, Alex and Casey went over what she could afford and what she could not based on Casey's expectation of her income from the cafe and from what she knew she had from the loans. It wound up with a basic budget for Casey to live off that included purchasing some cheaper furniture from a consignment store Alex knew from her daily runs through the city.

"God, this is embarrassing," Casey finally said when they had worked out a basic financial plan for her.

Alex tipped her head, confusion evident on her smooth features. "Why? Money isn't everything, but it's helpful to know what you can spend."

"You really don't care, huh? I remember high school. A lot of the time, the kids I went to school with came from wealthier families than mine. Don't get me wrong, my dad made enough, but with my mother a stay at home mom, it put us on the lower middle class side of things. It works out great, but girls were kind of cruel."

"I may be cruel, Novak, but I am not a high school girl. I don't care how much you do or don't make. This whole budgeting thing, I can do with my eyes closed, and if you follow the budget, you should be fine. You're not the only one at this school to be here on loans."

Sighing, Casey drew her knee to her chest. "You're probably the best person I could ever meet in this city. You're freakin' phenomenal."

Alex's brows went up, but she smiled. "Someone's gotta break the dumb blond stereotype," she quipped. Casey laughed in response, and Alex smiled softly. "I'm pretty lucky to have met you, too. You have got to be the least judgmental person I have ever met, and so willing to go with the flow. Everyone else I seem to meet has the Type A lawyer personality. You. You're different."

Dropping her knee, Casey shrugged. "I love to argue, don't get me wrong, but I don't see the point in wanting to control every aspect of every little thing."

"Well, I like to control every little thing, so if you don't care, I think we'll be just fine."

"At least you know it."

Alex smiled, her eyes glittering with mischief and excitement. "Oh, yes, I do." She seemed proud to be a control freak, and that made Casey giggle. "You laughing at me, Novak?"

"Just a little."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I have no idea where the cover picture came from, to be honest. I Google searched "Alexandra Cabot" and it was one of the pictures that turned up in the result pool. I liked it, too. && Blitz - Is Alex ever subtle or did I miss something in the show? Hehehe. :) && Steple - You okay so far?**

**Again and as always, the reads and reviews are always appreciated. For all of you worried, I plan on finishing this as well as HWKT - both end happy. I promise. **

Three weeks into the semester, and Casey was already running behind on sleep. It was a Saturday morning that found her laying on the futon that Alex Cabot had so delicately found in the antique store just outside of Cambridge. It had set Casey back a hundred bucks which was far less than what she had hoped for. Her parents had sent her her quilts and clothes as well as a few things to remind her of home. Included in the package were several trinkets from her father's assignments across the globe. They had gone up on the shelves nailed into the walls of her studio apartment a twenty minute bus ride just outside of Cambridge.

The apartment was cute, consisting of a large room wherein about a quarter was linoleum flooring with a sink, stove, and fridge as well as some cabinet space. The rest of the room was carpeted with a small bathroom off to one side with a shower, toilet, and sink. Alex had found the place and kept it well within her budget. Casey was paying four ten plus utilities which was not bad, she figured, considering her lack of rental history. She had used a portion of her student loans to pay the first six months rent, signing that she would pay the utilities separately for the first six months. The hope was, by then, she would have enough saved up to pay the next six months rent.

She had managed to get a few dishes from a local dollar type store. She had a towel and several clothes from her bus travels to the city, more from The furniture she had gotten consisted of the futon she was currently sprawled out on and a butterfly chair which Alex was draped over, book in her hands for one of her classes. Casey's books were scattered across the floor along with a few notes and the beginnings of essays she was writing. Laying out on the futon, Casey had her laptop in front of her as she typed a legal analysis in response to a recent Supreme Court case. It was a civil law issue, but it was still interesting. The nineties had proven interesting for the Supreme Court as far as Casey was concerned, and they were only half over. _Arizona v. Evans _was presently being heard regarding an exclusionary rule application in a good faith execution of a warrant with an unintentional, negligent clerical error that was not an error on the part of the police or the ADA requesting the warrant. Casey was looking forward more to an analysis and application of the results of that case than the one she was working on.

"How's it coming over there, hot shot?" Alex asked as the futon bobbed with the blond's weight as she bounced over the bed. Casey laughed, twisting out of Alex's way as she plopped down in front of the computer, tabbing through the typed pages. "Oh, look at you go. You're really on one here, Novak."

"I'm gifted," Casey joked, rolling back onto her stomach so that she could see her computer as well. She scooted up against the blond, almost pushing her out of the way, looking over the pages as Alex read and scrolled, trying to find and correct her mistakes preemptively before the blond critiqued her on them. "What do you think? Did I hit everything?"

"Still skimming," Alex said, scrolling down the page, her eyes darting behind the mahogany colored glasses she wore when she read. It always impressed Casey as to how quick the woman read material. It seemed that while Casey were still in one chapter, Alex had read three. Then again, Alex called it skimming. It was a technique Casey was trying to learn. Until law school, she had gotten by on smarts and common sense alone. It seemed more was required of even higher education.

"Not bad, Novak. It I were McMarcy, I'd give you an A. As it is, she'll hit you up with a hundred points demarcation. You forgot to counter you argument in paragraph seven. She'll throw a fit. You have to be your own devil's advocate in her class. She wants to see you argue both sides."

Casey groaned. "There's more than two sides to every story, Cabot."

"Yes, I know that. And you know that, but don't tell her that. Your essays will become doubly long," Alex joked, pushing on Casey's shoulder. The red head laughed, chewing on her knuckle as she grinned.

"That would suck."

"And, you would go down in history as the girl who ruined McMarcy's class from here unto eternity."

"You're a bit dramatic."

Alex laughed. "You'll be about the same this time next year. Trust me, Lady."

Casey groaned. "Ugh, I believe it. Hey, it's Saturday. You promised to take me out around the town one of these weekends."

"And, you wanna go out today?" Alex asked, rising up on her elbows as she finished reading over the essay.

Reaching over to the computer, Casey closed the lid of her laptop. "Uh, huh. Now. It's a great time for brunch, and I'd like to treat you as a thanks."

Alex smiled. "Nope. You're saving your money." The blond hit Casey over the head with the pillow she slept on. Casey pushed the computer off the bed gently, tucking it under the bed just as Alex whacked her with the pillow a second time.

Squealing, Casey raised her hands above her head as she fended off the blows from the pillow. "Alex. Alex. You jerk." She grabbed for the pillow, latching on to the pillow case as she wrapped her legs around Alex's waist and flipped her over. "My pillow," Casey whined as she tugged the offending feathery case from Alex's hands, cuddling it to her chest. "Meanie." Crawling off the other woman, Casey danced away across the room, holding the pillow against herself as she twirled.

"Whatever. You're still not paying. My treat, for making the beginning of this year a treat for me," Alex suggested with a smile and a shrug. "We'll go for an early lunch in, say, forty minutes? You're still in your pajamas. There's this great little place about a ten minute bus ride from here the opposite direction from the school. I think you'll get a kick out of it."

"Alright. I'm game. The bank isn't the only one I'm going to owe a bunch of money to at the end of these three years." Casey tossed the pillow back to Alex, the blond catching the pillow easily, curling it beneath her as she laid out on the futon. "I'll be out of the shower in a few minutes."

"Uh huh, see you in thirty. Take your time, enjoy the warmth."

Casey rolled her eyes. "How long do you take in a shower?" she retorted playfully.

"I take the fifth on that one."

"You do that," Casey chortled before disappearing into the bathroom, leaving Alex sprawled across her bed while she made herself at least somewhat presentable for the world. Pulling her hair out of its precarious bun, Casey frowned at herself in the mirror. On top of everything she did not like about herself, her hair was among them. While the color was suitable to her, she did like the dark red, especially since it was natural, the curl drove her nuts. It was long enough to be tied up or drawn into a bun, and that was how she wore it the majority of the time.

Leaning into the shower, she turned the water on hot before stripping and jumping in. She ran her hands through her hair, letting the water warm her stiff, tired muscles. It became her resolve to get eight hours sleep every Saturday night, though that was hardly happening. She was hitting the books hard and fast each night for such a long period of time that she sometimes fell asleep still reading. At that point, she had no idea how many hows she had managed to squeeze in. It made for a very sleep deprived student, but what student wasn't?

Finished with her shower, Casey wrapped her towel around herself, tucking the edge in so that it stayed without her having to hold it. She wrung out her hair into the shower and walked out into the main room. "Alright, Counsel, was that quick enough?"

Alex's head popped up from the pillow. "It's about damn time, Novak."

"Whatever. You were napping."

"Ergo you took a long time," Alex said, smiling sheepishly. "You're not dressed yet."

"Naw, I thought I'd go naked."

Alex grinned but did not say anything. Instead, she put her head down again, hands over the back of her neck.

"What? Cabot, you're awfully quiet."

Alex mumbled something unintelligible into the pillow. Though Casey couldn't understand her, she had a pretty good idea that Cabot was cracking some kind of joke about being naked in public. Surely, it would have something to do with being arrested or some kind of local public decency law. She would find herself in jail before she had even done sixty days at Harvard.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Nothing," Alex muttered, shaking her head.

"If it were nothing, you'd have no trouble repeating it," Casey argued. Alex had been over every weekend the past three weekends on the run. They were easy friends, and during the week when Casey worked at the cafe, Alex would stop by and occupy a table with a milkshake and a book. Casey was grateful to have her drop in so frequently. She had made friends as much as someone could make friends at a law school. Everyone was always so busy with their studies, Casey and Alex included.

Still, Alex said nothing, shaking her head as she pulled the pillow over her head, burying herself. "Aw, come on, Alex. There's no way it could be that embarrassing. What did you say?" Alex shook her head again, so in the spirit of bribery, Casey sat down beside the blond on the futon and tugged the back of her shirt up.

Alex froze. "Casey, what are you doing?"

"Wringing out my hair," Casey said nonchalantly as she did just that, the water splashing over Alex's lower back.

For her part, Alex jumped, screaming. She tossed the pillow in Casey's direction as she rolled over onto her back. "What the hell?" she yelped.

"Consider it a make you talk suggestion. I have older siblings and younger, Alex. I know how to make people talk."

"Yea, torture."

"What did you say?" Casey asked, her eyes narrowed with suspicion as she watched Alex squirm over something she was clearly missing and did not understand.

Alex flushed a little, curling up, resting her chin on her drawn knees. It was a vulnerable look that made Casey do a double take. She barely understood Alexandra Cabot from only three weeks of them knowing each other, but in that time, she had managed to learn so much that she knew Alexandra was seldom vulnerable. Something about being vulnerable just did not seem like either a Cabot thing or an Alex thing to the red head. "I said I was imagining you running around naked."

"And all the charges that would arise. You think they'd arrest you for aiding and abetting?"

Alex grinned broadly. "I am so glad you're Catholic, Casey," she said, shaking her head.

"What does that mean?" Casey asked, combing her fingers through her hair. "Is this some jab about my naivety?" She pouted, her brow furrowed. "It's not the first one you've made. I'm not so naïve that I don't notice, Alex. I mean, really, I've grown up in a military family. I know what I don't understand."

"But you still don't understand," Alex reiterated with a small smile.

"Spell it out for me."

Alex shook her head, grinning wide. "I take the fifth."

"Damn it, Cabot." Casey pulled her hair back and twisted it in her hands. "You're such a jerk sometimes."

"Yea, well, what can I say? I'm a Cabot."

"Bleh." Standing, Casey grabbed jeans and a shirt from her closet and disappeared back into the bathroom, tugging clothes on and rubbing her hair as dry as possible before she ran a brush through it and tied it up, wrapping her hair into an untidy bun.

"Oh, my God, are you done yet?" Alex called, still apparently teasing.

Casey emerged from the bathroom, tossing her towel at Alex. "You're something else, Alex."

"Patiently impatient."

"Huh?"

"Like a snake. Hungry for my next meal, but willing to wait."

Casey rolled her eyes, sighing. "You're also quite the drama queen."

"How perceptive of you," Alex purred, stretching out as she stood up. She stretched her hands up over her head, arching her back and twisting as she groaned. She always looked like a lazy cat when she stretched, only adding to Casey's assertion that Alex was a drama queen. Then again, she highly doubted that Alex's dramatic acts needed any more evidence than the prima facie evidence that she was, simply, a law school student. Dramatics were in the nature of the game, and Casey loved it. "But, seriously, can we go? I'm hungry."

"I thought you were willing to wait."

Alex made an indistinct gesture in the air with both hands as if to say 'well' before folding her arms over her chest, loose but stern. At twenty two, she had more posture and grace than most women Casey had met throughout her life at varying ages, though all much older than Alexandra. "I did wait. I waited for you to finish your essay, to take a shower, and to get dressed. Come on. I'm going to wither away."

"Oh, God. You are dramatic." Casey stumbled around, her hand over her stomach. "Help me," she gasped, "I'm being eaten from the inside out. I'm so hungry, I'm going to- to- to." She groaned and collapsed onto the couch, feigning death. She twitched once, groaned miserably, her fingers jumping as her arm drooped over the side of the futon, hand grazing the carpet.

"Casey," Alex whined, shaking the limp red head. "I'm hungry. Seriously." Casey still did not move. "Oh, don't play possum with me, Novak. Don't make me give you mouth to mouth."

Sitting up, Casey smiled. "Eh, don't. I'm smart enough to know what I don't know, but that would be awkward."

"Why?" Alex asked, flopping in the chair and leaning back, her glasses perched delicately back on her face.

Casey shook her head. "I take the fifth."

"You can't do that. Not after you made me tell you what I said." Alex frowned. "That's cheating."

"It's what I do, Alex. What more do you want?"

Alex smiled, the peacock preening his feathers expression written on her face once again. It was an expression that she wore frequently, particularly following exam days and particularly after she made a cunning or witty comment. "An answer to my question."

"Ooh," Casey grumbled, pointing her finger at the blond, waving it around in tiny circles as she narrowed her eyes. "You are a horrifying rat, you know that?"

"I am, and I do." Alex smiled, but she looked triumphant, something like a cat with a canary. Casey groaned, sliding off the bed and onto the floor. That only made Alex smirk harder if that were at all possible at that point. She leaned forward, arms resting against her knees as she looked over the rims of her glasses giving Casey a 'tell me' look that might have brought weaker souls to their knees. "And, I've stumbled upon something personal, haven't I?"

"Hush, Alex. You don't know anything." Casey blushed, tipping her head to the side so that Alex couldn't see her face. Standing, she grabbed her jacket from the hook by the door and held the door open with her foot, glancing at the stairwell leading up to the main floor and out to the street. "Come on, let's go."

"I will get it out of you yet, you know that, Casey." Alex followed Casey's lead and stood, putting her hand on her hips in a show of stubbornness. "Besides, we're not leaving until you tell me whatever dirty little secret it is you have. Catholic girl my ass. Suddenly, I'm skeptical of this naïve act you keep pulling on me. What are you hiding, huh?"

Casey shook her head, buttoning her jacket, her fingers playing absently with the large, shining black buttons. Peacoats had always been her favorite style, ever since she was a little girl, before she even knew what the style was called. "Nope. Some secrets, I plan to carry to the grave."

The blond just shrugged, pulling her sweater over her own shirt as she closed the door behind Casey. "That's what you think." She sounded so proud of herself, as though she were a peacock strutting her feathers. It made Casey smile with amusement to watch the proud soon-to-be attorney strut about the apartment.

Folding her arms over her chest, Casey frowned as she leaned against the wall, playing annoyed. She had been working on the look since she was a child, particularly after her younger brother Todd was born. Her practice only grew as her younger two siblings were born and she had more and more occasion to play the part, even when she was not truly annoyed. "Shut up and buy me lunch."

Alex laughed so hard she started coughing, clinging to the door frame as she tried to steady herself. Casey leaned against the wall arms wrapped around her middle to stop herself from falling into the same level of a laughing fit by which Alex was possessed. Alex stopped coughing but kept laughing, clutching the wood frame of the doorway in a failing effort to remain standing. "Damn Novak," she choked out, gasping for breath. "You are one demanding woman."

"I am," Casey said with a smug look and a grin before she raced up the stairs to the main level and out of the door, Alex following at a playful chase, reaching out for her jacket as they jogged down the street to the bus stop. Her fingers closed around the collar on the jacket, and she pulled her to a stop. Alex caught Casey's arm, holding it tentatively. Casey laughed, completely missing the high level of emotional tension in her friend. She was not experienced enough in life to notice or to question it.

They walked arm in arm to the bus stop, Alex perching on the edge of the bus bench's arm leaving the bench itself to Casey. The red head slid over it, draping her arm over the back of the bench. "You know, Alex, I'm not the only one with secrets that I'll take to my grave."

Alex glanced over, eyes wide in the sparkling sunlight, the gray in them absorbing all of the color around her, particularly the gold and green from the paint at the bus stop. "Oh? Did I stumble on something personal, Alexandra?" Casey ribbed.

"For the sake of friendship," Alex grumbled, "I'll take this one to my grave."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Why this chapter, you ask? Because I'm sick and someone else, even a fictional someone else, can now share in my misery. :) That said, it's still pretty cute if I do say so myself. Thanks as always. **

Even with the hard studying and sleepless nights, weeks turned into months, and time slipped easily by. Casey's time was strained between work and school. There was a good reason why most law schools would not allow students to work their first year attending. Casey had never actually told the school she was working, but most of her professors knew the cafe where she worked. One of her instructors, who doubled as a judge, stopped by every Friday and bought a mocha with a twenty dollar tip. She appreciated it, and it certainly helped her to get by.

When she had more difficult trouble than normal, either Alex took her out more frequently for meals and coffee as study breaks or else Casey would go to pay her rent and find that it had been paid already in part or in full. Alex never claimed the latter, but Casey knew it was never her parents. Not that they were not generous or willing to help her out. It was just that she did not dare say a thing about any sort of hardship while at Harvard. She had worked so hard to get in. She did not need to be reminded that she could have afforded NYU but not Harvard. That was not a lecture she wanted to hear about.

The winter made the bus route more difficult in Massachusetts than in New York City which was kind of a pain. It also meant that Casey spent more time in Alex's company. The woman had an apartment so close to Harvard that even when it was a blizzard out, it was possible to walk to the campus. It made studying nice and warm. Casey officially had an indentation in the couch as well, two, really. One for sitting and studying, the other for sleeping. More than once when it was below freezing, Alex talked Casey out of going home which was probably just as well because by the time the first session was complete, Casey had come down with a severe case of the sniffles.

Her parents had offered for her to go home over the Christmas holiday, but she had declined with a fever of over one hundred degrees. She had been trembling enough on the phone during a particular late night conversation with Alex Cabot that she suddenly found herself with a blond in her apartment, leaning over her with a cool rag. Somewhere in all of that, she was convinced to leave her own place and lay on the couch in the considerably more well off blond.

That was pretty much the extent of the convincing Alex was able to do. Casey refused to eat, too nauseous and ill to swallow even the soup Alex had warmed up. "No," Casey moaned, even as Alex sat on the coffee table in front of the couch. "I wanna throw up just from the smell, Alex. Please."

"Then, at least drink water, Casey. You're dehydrated. I can't believe you didn't call me sooner. Did you even go to work yesterday?" Alex asked, setting the bowl to the side. Casey shook her head, pulling the blankets tighter around her body. "That's probably a good thing. Jesus, Casey, you so need to call me next time."

"I can take care of myself," Casey retorted.

Alex sighed, picking up the bowl and carrying it back to the kitchen. "Yea, I can see that. Casey, I mean it. I'm your friend."

"And, I'm in your debt enough already." Casey coughed, groaning as she rolled so that she was face down on the couch. She hugged the pillow from the couch to her chest, coughing until she gagged.

Alex set a small trash bin beside the couch. "Are you going to throw up on me?" Casey shook her head. "Yea, right. Turn your head, look at me." Reluctantly, Casey did. "Uh, huh. Just what I thought. Throw it up." She held the bin in front of Casey's face, and the red head adjusted herself so that she was over the bucket. Panting, she threw up.

Almost immediately after, though, she was crying. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, Casey. You're sick. Let me just take care of you, okay?" Casey nodded, coughing again. "Good girl."

"Sorry to ruin Christmas for you. Why aren't you back with your family?"

Alex smiled, stroking Casey's hair out of her face. "My parents are in Italy until well after the next semester starts. I don't like coming in late or leaving early, and my parents aren't into party crashers." Pushing a glass into Casey's hand, Alex held on until Casey rolled over and sat up enough to take a sip. "Swill your mouth out, Casey. That's got to taste gross."

Casey complied, spitting the water back into the offered cup. "You gonna be okay for a minute?" Alex asked, earning herself a nodded response. Casey was not much of a communicator, but she was unusually quiet when she was sick. The more quiet, the more sick. It was a pattern that Alex had become familiar with in the nearly five months they had known each other. Casey's immune system apparently sucked, particularly with little sleep. "I'll be right back."

Ducking out of the room, Alex left Casey to roll back over, shuddering in her blankets. Presently, she felt a hand rub between her shoulder blades. Casey whined at touch, and Alex withdrew her hand. "I don't want to hurt you, Casey. I'm sorry. I know you're not feeling well."

"No, it's okay. It's – I'm sorry."

"Why don't you sleep, Sickey?" Alex suggested. "I've left a bell on the coffee table. If you need anything, I mean anything, ring the bell and I'll come running. The waste basket is behind you if you need to throw up again. There's some water and a bottle of Gatorade on the table as well. I mean it, Casey, anything you need, you let me know."

Once again, Casey only nodded.

"Oh, hot shot, feel better." Alex rubbed Casey's back gently before turning out the light. Casey shuddered, but she was out cold before Alex had even finished speaking. For several seconds in the dark, Alex leaned against her bedroom door off the living room, watching where she knew the couch to be in the darkness. The apartment was too pitch to see much of anything. Softly, Alex shook her head before turning in, her bedroom door open in case Casey needed anything.

Alex woke long before Casey did, though there was some question as to how much sleep Casey had really gotten. Alex had woken up a handful of times to Casey's coughing fits, and she had stayed silent and listened. The problem with being sick was there really just was not much Alex could do except make sure her friend drank water and rested, and even then, it was more that she could make sure those things were provided, not that Casey actually did them.

Muting the television, Alex flipped to the news, her eyes darting over what the weather would be like. For the most part, it was snowy that whole month, and with only four days until Christmas, it seemed that things would not be any different that day. The forecast called for snow and below freezing temperatures throughout the entire day, and, out of habit, Alex turned the thermometer in her apartment up a few degrees. She had an aversion to the cold despite her many years in New York City.

On the couch, Casey rolled over, blurred vision taking in the surrounding as best she could. In truth, she felt as though she had been smashed in the face with a nine pound hammer, and in a lot of ways, she looked the part. Her eyes had sunk a little, rimmed with darker skin than normal. "Alex?" she questioned, sitting up as she saw the blond at the other end of the couch, perched on the arm rest, watching the television.

"Hey," Alex murmured, turning to her. "You feeling okay?" Casey shrugged. "You look like you've been hit by a Mack truck."

"Feel like it, too," Casey mumbled, her voice dry and hoarse.

"Yea. Well, news anchor says to stay indoors today. Not that you need to be outside anyway with a voice like that." Once again, Alex earned herself little more than a shrug. "Lemme fix you some oatmeal. Nothing fancy, but it'll be easy on your stomach and the warmth will be nice for your throat. I think I've got some black tea around here, too, and some honey. We'll get you cured up in no time. No big deal."

Casey simply smiled. "Thanks, Cabot. You're a good person."

"I can't let you be sick at your place all alone. There's more space here, quite frankly, and the heat's more reliable. Your landlord ever come out to look at that?" she asked, referencing the depressingly low temperatures in the building. It seemed to effect the majority of Casey's building, and the tenants had all complained about it. Sometimes, the heat worked, and when it did, it was fantastic. Sometimes, though, it failed miserably, and that left for a lot of clothes and blankets worn all at once.

"It's a broken something or another. The guy was supposed to come out today to fix it," Casey mumbled.

Alex nodded. "That's good. Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up when I have breakfast ready."

Shaking her head, Casey protested. "I'm not hungry."

"Well, I am, and you need to eat something, so I'm making breakfast. Don't argue. You know I'll win because I'm right." Alex flashed Casey an award winning smile before vanishing through the open arch and into the kitchen before Casey had the opportunity to produce a counterargument. One of the few things she could still accomplish while feeling like road kill was arguing. It was just a talent. Still, for that, she did not argue. In part, Alex was right. Especially being sick, she needed to eat. In part, too, because even if she was wrong, Casey had never truly butt heads with Alex over anything those past five months, and to find out who better the argument would attend, Casey was not sure she wanted to know. At any rate, Alex was right, so the latter point had been rendered moot.

Laying on the couch, Casey drifted in and out of the muted news cast, picking up images here and there that melted into her psuedo-dreams producing strange images for her mind to work through. Not that her brain was doing much working. In what seemed like no time at all, though simultaneously felt as though many hours had passed, she woke in a coughing fit, scrambling to squeeze a pillow against her face to force her breathing to slowly and calm down. Casey pulled the pillow from her face to find Alex staring at her with a deer in the headlights look. "You okay, hot shot?" Alex asked. Casey nodded. "Uh, huh. Yea. Okay. Drink some water. Better yet, drink the Gatorade."

Casey did as she had been bid, sitting up with her legs tucked under her as she watched Alex watch her. "I've taken care of myself before," Casey murmured.

"Uh, huh. Yea. Okay," Alex merely repeated.

"I have."

"I believe you. You somehow got to twenty one without dying." Alex winked, ducking out of the living room and back into the kitchen, returning promptly with two bowls and two spoons. "I have honey, brown sugar, regular sugar, and sprinkles. What would you like?"

"You have sprinkles?" Casey asked, eyes wide.

"Best cure for a bad day usually involves sprinkles," Alex suggested. "The little rainbowy kind, mind you."

Curling up, knees to her chest, bowl on her knees, blankets tucked around her, Casey smiled. "It's hard to be sick around you," she mused. "I'll take sprinkles and honey, then."

"You got it." Alex set her bowl down and returned with a little plastic bear of honey and a container of not only rainbow colored sprinkles, but they were star shaped as well. She held them out to Casey who took them, carefully mixing them in to her oatmeal.

"Thanks, Alex. I really do appreciate it," she murmured, setting both containers down on the coffee table. "And, not that I don't or wouldn't do the same, but why come get me and bring me back here?"

Alex pressed the curve of her spoon to her lips, swallowing. "Let me think. Well, first there's the matter of your heater being broken. Yea, I know they'll fix it today, but that didn't help you last night. Then, there's the matter of having someone around to clean up your mess, make sure you eat, make sure you drink, and hold your hair back when you throw up. Casey, it's really no big deal. I just know what I like when I feel sick. I like to have someone take care of me. You're my friend. It's just what friends do."

Casey nodded. "You're a damn good friend, Cabot. Because, honestly, I wouldn't want to hold my hair back." Looking down at her oatmeal bowl, Casey cracked a small smile. It was mischievous and sly, but it was humor nonetheless.

"And, you've been here twelve hours and you're already feeling better." Alex reached forward and grabbed the television remote, turning the volume up on the set and flipping the channel to a movie channel. "Shall we see what Christmas misery is on TV?"

"Aw, why misery?" Casey asked, nibbling at an oat on the end of her spoon. She really was not feeling all that hungry even though she knew she had to eat. She was still cold and shaky, and the air hurt as she breathed. But, Alex had gone through such an effort to make her comfortable, and Casey liked to tease and talk with her, that it seemed unfair to reject the food and return to sleep where she badly wanted to go.

Alex shrugged. "My family doesn't celebrate Christmas," she said. "Well, okay, Uncle Bill used to bring me a present, but my parents were just never that into it. Besides, they said the presents they got me were trips to Spain and Italy – which, I adored, don't get me wrong."

"Still doesn't satisfy the question," Casey murmured, licking her lips of the honey she had found. One of very few foods she would never refuse was honey. Then, Casey Novak had a bit of a sweet tooth. In fact, it was kind of her weakness. She had always hoped as a child to never meet the pedophile with the candy because she would be a goner for sure, not that she knew as a child that people who preyed on children were called pedophiles, but she understood her parents' fears that their children would turn up missing. Moving around a lot meant that it was an exceeding possibility. New neighbors meant that those who had proven themselves safe were no longer around.

Sighing, Alex leaned back into the couch. "They never went on these trips. My dad's this huge investment guru which is why I went into business for my undergrad. He has some strange idea that one of these days I'll go to work for him if lawyering doesn't cut it for me. My mom's just my mom. A wealthy woman. She's always at some high class social gathering black tie thing or else she's hosting dinners and parties or on the committee for charity events. She has nothing better to do than be fashionable."

"Wow. Kind of sucks. I couldn't shake my mom as a kid. If not her, then my oldest brother, Will. He was like Velcro to us younger siblings."

Alex smiled. "What about your dad?"

"He was in the military. Well, still is. He's been in nearly thirty years."

"Damn, and I'm bitching about never there."

Casey shrugged. "It's okay. I mean, he wasn't always deployed. And, a lot of the time, we got to go with him. It was really the whole Middle East Gulf War thing that made my mom finally settle all of us down in New York City. She told my dad we couldn't follow him any more. Kennedy was almost two and Max was just having way too tough a time adjusting to new schools."

"No shit. So, what do you do for Christmas?"

"Well, my mom's the Super Catholic. I mean, I believe and all, but I'm just not as dedicated as she is. So, we do the whole Catholic thing for her. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, we went to Mass, then after, everyone under fifteen got presents. Once you hit fifteen you were too old." Casey giggled. "I think it's just my parents' way of saving money. We weren't broke, but with a kid always too young for public school, my mom stayed home and worked part time on the weekends sometimes. It was less expensive than day care. My mom's great, but I don't know how she would do in the regular work field anyway. She was raised to be a housewife. But, she raised all of us kids to be independent, so I suppose it all worked out."

"Sounds super fun."

"Except for the Mass part, it is. I mean, okay, I'm Catholic, but I don't really see why God needs you to be in church for you to talk to him. Or, why it's so important that time of year. But, I think when she gets the chance, Mom's going to be in church every day. Will's a little like that. So is Lawrence. I think Kennedy will turn out that way, too. As for the rest of us, we fluctuate somewhere between all of that. Like Cassidy is an Atheist now. He calls himself a recovering Catholic. He's the only one excused from Mass. Robert and Steph are the lapsed Catholics. They show up for Christmas and Easter and whenever Mom decides their souls need a little extra saving. Then, there's me. And, I guess I'm the family Catholic. Like I said, I believe, but I don't get the whole church thing. I can read the Bible anywhere. Todd and Max don't have a choice, they're under eighteen and live with Mom."

Alex nodded slowly, appraising what had been said. "You have a huge family."

"I guess. I mean, you knew I had eight siblings."

"Yea, but it's a little different when you tell me about all of their individual personalities. That's a lot to keep track of."

"You have older brothers," Casey pointed out.

"Yea, two, Sam and Adam. That's a lot fewer than you. And, they were in their twenties when I was born. I was kind of the condom broke child."

Casey giggled. "I think that's what I like about Catholics. You just don't have sex if you're not planning on children."

"I don't think all Catholics see it that way."

"Not any more," Casey agreed. "I suppose religion doesn't mean much to all the religious any more. Then again, I don't know what kind of stone I'm preaching from."

Adjusting herself on the couch, Alex puzzled over Casey's statement. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not exactly the most committed Catholic ever. Just because my sins aren't theirs does not mean that I don't have equally reprehensible sins."

"Okay, so these women don't marry as virgins and have sex out of wedlock. That's pretty bad, right? Way back when, that was good for death in the Roman Catholic church, wasn't it? What's your equally reprehensible sin?"

Casey shrugged, staring down at the bowl in her lap. Her cheeks were bright, bright red, and she shook her head, looking like she wanted to cry. "I don't want to talk about it," she murmured. She blinked, fighting back tears.

"Casey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," Alex whispered, scooting close, rubbing her hand over her friend's arm. "Hey, look at me." Casey did. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry. We can talk about something else."

Nodding, Casey stayed curled tightly. "Maybe next Christmas, you can come over, Alex. If you want. My parents would love you, though my mom will try to convert you."

"I'd love to," Alex agreed. "Though, I make no promises on being converted. Oh, you know what movie I went out and bought the other day?" Casey tipped her head in silent question. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It was actually a pack of three animated movies from that decade about Christmas. I think Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer are in the pack, too."

"Can we start with Rudolph? I like that one best."

"Really? I've never seen them."

"You're kidding?" Alex shook her head. "You have to get in touch with your inner child, Alex, and introduce her to all of these fantastic movies. You've seen _The Muppets: A Christmas Carol_, right?"

Again, Alex shook her head. "I live under a hideous rock when it comes to entertainment."

"It's okay. It only came out three or four years ago, but Kermit and Miss Piggy and the gang all running around a Dickens' novel? You've gotta see it. It'll make you smile."

"Okay. You convinced me. But, I have Rudolph here, so let's watch that." Standing, Alex prepared and started the VHS, flopping back on the couch with a soft sigh. Casey watched her in silence for several seconds before throwing a pillow on Alex's lap and laying her head on it. Alex adjusted beneath the weight of Casey's head on her legs, one hand coming to rest on Casey's arm, the other playing with her ruby hair. Before the previews to other VHS were over, Casey had fallen into a light sleep on Alex's lap, a light rasp to accompany the sound of her breathing that told tale of both Casey's cough and her sleeping condition.

"Sleep easy, hot shot," Alex murmured as she kicked her feet up on her coffee table and settled deeper into the couch to watch the movie, her fingers still absently playing with Casey's hair.


	5. Chapter 5

**(5)**

The next three days passed quickly for Casey. All things considered, she slept through the majority of the first two, and the third, she was still miserable enough to not go anywhere or do much of anything. It was going to be a white Christmas anyway, and from Alex's expression looking out the window to her apartment, it was clear that not everyone enjoyed the snow. At least in Cambridge, the snow stayed white. It was a grand improvement, Casey thought, over the black snow of New York.

And, by eight o'clock on Christmas Eve, it was snowing again. Casey was curled up on the couch, blanket wrapped around her as Alex put in another video. They had been watching movies all day and drinking hot chocolate with microwave s'mores. The blond law student, for her part, had never had a s'more made in the microwave before then, and Casey spent the morning showing her how to perfect the amount of semi-melted chocolate with a puffy marshmallow and graham crackers without making too huge a mess.

Casey was licking the chocolate off her fingers from one such s'more as she watched Alex flit about her apartment for the third day running. "My favorite part about growing up was this kind of stuff," Casey announced, absently sucking on her index finger.

Turning, Alex cocked her brow. "What kind of stuff?" she asked, her lids dropping closed as her eyes dropped from Casey's eyes to her mouth and hand. She opened her eyes again, meeting Casey's eyes, a slight tint to her cheeks that went utterly unnoticed by company.

"The whole s'mores and movie thing. My brothers and Steph and I used to make microwave s'mores all the time during the winter, especially when we lived in Germany and it snowed out. We were on a base, then, but it was still pretty cool. And, we had each other. You really didn't have to look after me, you know? I appreciate it, I do, but you didn't have to come out to my place and drag me back here." Casey moved on to her middle finger, nibbling at the skin on the pad of her finger where stubborn marshmallow had gotten stuck.

Alex grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Tell me something, are you really that innocent?"

"What?" Casey stopped her attentions to her fingers and looked over at Alex. Alex's eyes darted between Casey's fingers and her eyes. The red head shrugged. "I guess."

"No one's that innocent, Casey."

That stopped Casey flat. She dropped her hand in her lap, frowning. "I still don't understand what you mean, Ali." She sounded sweet, innocent, and genuinely confused, but for her, it just wasn't an act. Casey had no idea what Alex meant, though she knew enough to know her friend was poking at things that were probably both unladylike and un-Catholic as far as Casey's mother would be concerned. It meant, though, that those things were not discussed in the Novak household. Her father wanted to talk to her about that kind of stuff, but the best she got from him was between softball games and it was a pat on the shoulder 'don't have sex until you're married' conversation each time.

Sighing, Alex rocked back onto her heels. "Never mind. I don't mind you being here, Casey. I'd rather you be here where I know you're eating and drinking water than you being at home dehydrated and half dead."

"You like to keep up on me, huh?" Casey asked, tipping her head. "Are you sure you're the youngest?"

"Scouts honor. But, I'm a control freak, Casey. Of course I like to keep tabs on you. I care about you." Alex flopped on the couch beside the red head. "I'd be upset if something bad happened or if I couldn't help you when you needed it."

Casey out right beamed. "Seriously? Alex, that's so sweet. Who knew you could be such a teddy under that exterior?" she teased, resuming licking the marshmallow fluff from her middle finger. Alex groaned and sunk deeper into the couch. Casey stopped moving, looking between Alex and down her own nose to her finger still pressed up against her tongue. "You need a boyfriend."

"Oh?" Alex smirked. "What makes you say that?"

"Just because I don't do the kissing and the having sex thing doesn't mean that I don't know that other girls do. Alex, I might live in a bubble, but it's really not that bad. Is it?"

Alex shrugged. "It is the nineties. Maybe it's not that bad. But, I gotta tell ya, I don't need a boyfriend to stick my tongue down someone's throat and fuck them."

Shaking her head, Casey sighed. "For a Cabot, you can be so vulgar sometimes." Alex laughed. "At any rate, I suppose you don't need a boyfriend, but wouldn't it be nice to be in a somewhat committed relationship?" Alex shot Casey a pointed look. "This is one of those innocent things, huh?"

"Yup. Don't worry about it. If someone tries to use it to take advantage of you, I'll make 'em pay."

Casey laughed. "In court fines and fees?"

Giggling, Alex boxed the air in front of her. "If that's what we're calling it these days, sure." Casey laughed, holding out her arm and blanket. Smiling, Alex scooted into the blanket beside Casey, wrapping her arms around her hips. "Oh, yea, definitely an innocent thing."

"Whatever, Cabot," Casey murmured, laying her head against Alex's shoulder as the movie started. "What did you pick?"

It was Alex's turn to flush. "You're going to think I'm a dork."

"No, seriously. What?" Casey sat up a little straighter, looking at her embarrassed friend. "I won't judge. Come on. What's the bet I don't even know what it is?"

"You have younger siblings. You probably know."

"So, it's a cartoon, then?" Casey guessed.

"You can figure that out but not -" Alex shook her head and sighed. "Never mind. It's Aladdin."

"Love starved boy finds his princess and, believing he has to be something other than himself to so woo her affections, makes foolish wishes that actually wind up pushing her away until he shows her his true self and she falls in love with that aspect of him." Casey nodded. "I've seen it. Kennedy loves the tiger. Raja or whatever."

Alex shook her head again. "No, seriously? You get that, but – you grew up under a rock, didn't you? Anyway, the wishes aren't totally foolish. They never would have met if he weren't pretending to be a prince in the first place."

Casey shrugged. "Maybe. It's arguable. Jasmine runs into Aladdin outside of the castle walls anyway. Her thirst for adventure and knowledge of the different classes might have been enough to push her to him that way."

"But, she leaves because her father tries to marry her to Aladdin."

"She would have left if he tried to marry her to Jafar, too," Casey countered.

Smiling, Alex laughed. "You can't prove that."

"You can't prove that she left because her father tried to marry her off to Aladdin, either," the red haired woman declared. While still feeling ill, neither woman would ever possibly be too ill not to debate about something. Arguing was just what they did. And, Casey was always happy to partake, even over silly things like Aladdin.

"Fine," Alex pouted, the closest they would come to agreeing over the matter. 'Fine' and 'whatever' were great conversation finishers, and it never detracted from their friendship. In fact, it seemed that because they could argue and still get along, their friendship was tighter than those either woman was accustomed to.

Casey stuck her tongue out with an accompanied humming sound that suspiciously resembled a 'neh' before nestling against Alex's body as the movie progressed from the opening song to the second. It took Casey a moment to realize that Alex was humming along, though when she finally noticed it, it was a tidbit that she kept to herself, smiling privately as she tried to match the words with the sounds Alex hummed.

It didn't take long before Casey found herself singing along just under her breath, and when the scene came on with the two characters flying through the night sky on the carpet, the two women fell easily into the duet, both muttering the lyrics. Alex took over the lyrics for Aladdin and Casey, by default, took Jasmine's, Alex brushing her fingers through Casey's hair just lightly before the two girls burst into laughter. "You watch this video way too much for having been twenty when it came out," Casey declared.

"Nineteen," Alex corrected. "And, I know. It's terrible. I don't even have a little sibling excuse. Though, you know every word to every song. I don't think I'm the only dork here."

"Our secret," Casey agreed. "I think it's a cute movie. I want to do that someday, anyway."

"What?"

Casey nodded her head at the screen. "Go to China and watch fireworks. I'm a complete nerd, I know, but if I could be proposed to anywhere in the world, it would be in China on the Chinese New Year. Have you ever been to China?" Alex shook her head in the negative. "You would really like it. It's fast, crowded, and different, but it's, well, it's China."

"So, New York on steroids?"

"But, they love Americans. Everyone wants to hug you because you're an American. Creepy but cool. But, there are some really romantic places there, some really peaceful places where you can find yourself." Casey blushed. "Look at me, talking about all this nonsense."

"It's kinda cute. You're like a little kid sometimes, Casey, so naïve. But, I think you might be on to something. And, when you find yourself a boyfriend and he's ready to propose, I'll tell him to take you to China first."

Casey laughed. "He won't need to do that. As long as he remembers to ask my dad's permission first, he'll be alright."

"I'll tell him that, too."

Casey smiled. "Well, ten years from now when I finally start dating, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. You'll have his guide book all ready by then, huh?"

"You've never been on a date? I mean, I knew about your never having been kissed, but, seriously? Casey, you've never been on a date?"

Shaking her head, Casey rested her head on Alex's shoulder, closing her eyes. "Nope. Never been asked out."

"You're lying."

"No. I mean it. I have no idea how to act around men. I usually just treat them the same way I treat my brothers. But, that apparently makes them off limits."

"Uh, yea." Alex rolled her eyes. "You are so innocent, Casey. I tell ya what, hot shot, I was going to ask anyway because I think you need to socialize a little more while you're here, but I'm going clubbing on New Years Eve with a bunch of people from the university, some law students, some undergrad, and some graduate, just a regular melee. I would be delighted if you came and maybe we can practice this whole flirting thing since you don't sound like you have any idea."

"I've never been clubbing before," Casey said. "I'd love to go."

Alex smiled, her fingers combing Casey's hair again. "Innocent."

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Casey teased.

"Everything I can to break it gently," Alex mused. "Teach you to enjoy all that life has to offer."

"I'm here with you," Casey said, adjusting so that she was leaning a little more on Alex without putting her weight on her.

Alex shook her head absently. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I just mean that I'm enjoying life right now. Here. With you." Alex smiled faintly, and it was a blessing that the sun had descended and the only light on in the living room was the television light or else Casey would have seen how brilliantly red Alex was at that comment.

"You're so cute, Casey. You have no idea."

"I'm freakin' adorable," Casey quipped, tucking her hands under her head as she snuggled deeper against Alex's shoulder.

"If you knew how," Alex laughed. "You gonna fall asleep on me?"

"I know how this movie ends," Casey said with a yawn. "I've seen it over a hundred times."

"If you're awake, next movie is your pick," Alex said.

Casey tipped her head and looked up at her friend. "Are you trying to bribe me into staying awake?"

"Maybe just a little," Alex said, the grin on her face evident in her tone.

"Do you have a problem being used as a pillow?" Casey asked, concern just lacing the edges of her words. She started to sit up.

Alex shook her head, stroking Casey's hair. "No. You can use me as a pillow any time. I'm surprised you don't mind how bony my shoulder is."

Casey shrugged, settling back down. "If you don't mind. And, it's not bony. There's a little dip where, if I tip my face like this, I fit just perfect." Casey demonstrated, her cheek bone sitting snugly in the hollow, her cheek and chin flush against Alex's shoulder. "Does that make you uncomfortable, though?"

"Nope. You're fine."

"I know that," Casey teased. Alex giggled. "I'm Catholic, Alex, not totally stupid. Just, not learned."

"I'll teach you. Don't worry. You'll go back to New York a regular party girl."

"Oh, yes, because you're a party girl."

"Just because I don't do drugs and sleep with everything with a pulse doesn't mean I'm not."

Casey yawned again, shaking her head slightly. "You're not. Trust me. If you were, we wouldn't get along. I'm such a home body."

"I like to go out and do things."

"Like what?" Casey sat up, leaning back against the couch's arm rest, sliding her legs up over Alex's legs. Carefully, Alex rested her hands on Casey's shins, obviously unsure of where she should put them. Casey missed the awkward tension that trembled through Alex's body briefly before she set her hands down.

Alex sighed, looking at Casey. "Ice skating, horse back riding, shopping. You know, normal going out things."

Casey laughed. "Not normal. Well, shopping is. But, it takes a lot of money and time to learn to skate or ride a horse. Not everyone gets to do that."

"Did you?"

"I can ice skate."

"But, no horse back riding?" Alex asked. Casey shook her head. "I'll take you out. There are some stables just outside Cambridge that board, and the owners give lessons. I went trail riding with them a lot over the summer. Maybe they'll let me borrow a horse to teach you."

Casey smiled. "That would be a lot of fun."

"You're not afraid of getting hurt, are you?"

Casey shook her head. "Nope. I've been hit I don't know how many times with a fast ball. I'm pretty much accustomed to being hurt."

"Fast ball?"

"From softball."

"Ah. When are you going to take me to the batting cages?"

"There are some around here? I've been dying to go."

Alex nodded. "Yea. It's only one transfer, too, so super simple to get there. They're out closer to you. I thought you knew about that. I would have told you. Problem is, I don't even know how to hold a bat, so I have no idea if that area is any good as far as softball goes."

"Alright, Cabot," Casey said with a smile. "You teach me how to ride a horse, and I'll teach you how to swing a bat. Sound like a deal?"

"You got yourself a deal, Counsel," Alex joked with a wink, her thumb absently tracing circles around Casey's shin and calf. Casey giggled, jerking her leg away. "What? Don't tell me you're ticklish?"

Biting her lip, Casey shook her head, scooting her legs away from Alex. "Okay, then, I won't."

"Oh, you're toast now." Alex grabbed one of Casey's ankles, pulling her leg straight, fingers grazing over her calf and behind the bend of her knee looking for the most reactive spot. Casey squealed and jerked her leg, tugging at Alex's grip.

"A-a-Lex," Casey squeaked as she twisted and tried to use her other foot to push Alex across the couch. "So. Not. Fair."

"No," Alex said, grabbing Casey's other foot and holding it up. "This isn't fair." Alex dragged one finger down the bottom of Casey's foot, and the red head lost it, clawing at the couch to get away. "Oh dear God, you are ticklish!"

"Stop it," Casey managed, squealing as she got her other foot under her and managed to leap off the couch onto the floor. Alex followed, and what happened next was a blur of playful sparring intermingled with Alex trying to find all of the ticklish spots on Casey's body. Casey wound up pinned to the ground on her back, Alex straddled over her hips, one hand pinning both of Casey's hands above her head while the other tested her stomach for particularly ticklish locations. Casey was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe, and Alex's name fell from her mouth in little half pants and high pitched squeaks. "Alex. Alex. I. Can't. Can't. I can't. Can't. Bre. Breathe."

"You're talking," Alex teased, grinning down at her friend. "I think that's plenty of breathing." Casey yelped. "Sensitive spot?"

Casey stopped moving, staring up at Alex as she fought to control her breathing. The smile on her face was replaced by a flash of fear that made Alex freeze as well. The fear changed into something else, a look of sheer and utter guilt, though even that did not seem entirely appropriate. "Stop. Get off me." The blond woman complied, sliding from her friend and offering a hand up. Casey refused it, adjusting her pajamas and sitting up, scooting back several inches, her knees drawn up to her chest.

"Casey, are you okay?" Casey nodded, resting her head on the zenith of her knees, looking away from Alex. "Hey, no you're not. You're crying. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." The threat of tears sounded in Casey's voice when she spoke, and Alex crouched beside the red head. "I just – I'm sorry. I need space."

"Did I hurt you?" Casey shook her head. "Casey, did something bad happen to you? Did someone else hurt you?" Casey shook her head again. "Okay. I'm here if you wanna talk, you know that, right?"

"I don't want to. You'll hate me for it." Everything about her body language and her voice sounded absolutely vulnerable. She was a strong young woman, but she was also an easy target, and something that she did not want to share had made her that way. Alex sat back on her heels, frowning. If the blond had to guess, she would say that it had less to do with Casey being Catholic than the slightly younger woman blamed.

Quietly, Alex stood up, disappearing into the kitchen. Casey heard the microwave, and a few minutes later, Alex returned with a plate with a s'more on the middle and a cup of hot chocolate. "Casey," she whispered. The red head looked up at her, tears clinging to the corners of her eyes. "I really am sorry." She held out the treats.

Reaching up, Casey took the mug, cradling it to her chest. "No, I am. I shouldn't have freaked out like that." Casey forced a smile. "Nothing bad happened to me, Alex. I swear. If it had, I'd tell you."

"Promise?" Alex asked, cupping Casey's cheek.

"Promise," Casey answered, nodding her head. "I probably shouldn't freak out as much about it. It's just -"

"It reminded you of something," Alex finished when it became clear that Casey couldn't.

"Sort of," Casey said, shifting awkwardly.

Alex nodded. "It's cool, I get it. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You're still awake, anyway. Wanna pick out the next movie?"

"Can we just watch TV?" Casey looked hopefully at Alex.

The blond nodded. "Yea. I think there's something on the movie channel if you want. Or, we can see what sitcoms or whatever are on tonight."

"Sitcoms."

Alex held her hand out to Casey, and this time, the red haired woman took it, letting Alex pull her to a stand. "Thanks, Alex. I appreciate everything."

"It's why you have friends, Casey."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So... work's got me a little over violent crime for a few days. I'm going to take a couple of days away from HWKT and work on this one because it's much happier. I promise I'll go back to HWKT and will finish it and it will end happy, but I just need cute fluffy stuff for a little bit. :) Hope you all don't mind. **

**Steple - Hope all is still okay for you! Let me know if you like where it's going or if you want anything specific. **

**Stussy - "A Whole New World" should be every couple's theme song. ;)**

**All - Hope you enjoy. Thanks for the reads. Thanks for the reviews. You all rock. **

**(6)**

Holding the eyeshadow brush in her hand, Casey watched as Alex quickly and efficiently applied blush to her cream-white skin. "I still don't understand the point, Alex," Casey mewled, her nose wrinkling as the powder sprinkled the nearby area. "I mean, I know how to handle makeup, but if we're going to a dark club on a dark night where no one is going to know whether or not we're wearing makeup, what's the point?"

"The point is that you'll know," Alex said with a sigh as she carefully applied eye liner. "How you feel is part of the flirting game, Casey. If you feel confident and sexy, men will come to you. If you feel vulnerable and naked, men will abuse you. Who you get depends on what you flaunt." It was, in part, a cautionary word delivered from the experienced to the rookie.

Casey swirled the tip of her brush in a gold eyeshadow. "So, women need makeup to feel sexy?"

"You're a walking billboard for modern feminism, you know that?" Alex said with a smile. "No, women don't need makeup to feel sexy, but it's a huge booster for most women. I don't know why. It just is."

With a sigh, Casey hoisted herself on Alex's bathroom counter and twisted so she could see her face in the mirror. "Fine," she sighed, swiping the gold over her eye lids with an easy touch. She took a medium green and a dark blue shade as well, dancing the colors not just over her lids but fanning them out from the corners of her eyes like little feathers clutching to her temples. With evident practice, she finished the appearance with black eye liner.

"There," she said, turning to Alex who had stopped what she was doing to watch Casey in the mirror.

"Holy shit, hot shot," Alex murmured. "Your eyes look like – wow. Where'd you learn that?"

"I was in theater in high school. I can't act, but I can do hair and makeup."

"No kidding. They'll notice that in the club."

"It is New Year's Eve. I guess I ought to be daring." Casey applied a dark boysenberry lip gloss and pulled her long, curly hair into a messy bun on her head. Deliberately, she tugged a few strands to frame her face and looked back at Alex. "Yes?"

Alex sucked at her lower lip, nodding feverishly. "That looks fantastic, Casey."

Casey gestured for Alex to approach, separating her legs so that Alex could stand between them. "Close your eyes."

"Why?"

"I'm going to do yours. Finally, something I don't feel inferior to you about." Alex laughed. "Seriously. Close your eyes." Sticking with the natural flecks of lavender in Alex's otherwise mostly gray eyes, Casey used a lilac color, a gray, a black, and a white to create a misty look around Alex's eyes, touching her cheeks with just a hint of pink, and dotting her lips with the plumb lipstick Alex had in her makeup bag. "Do you have clear lip gloss?"

"Yep. Should be at the bottom of the bag. I don't use it that much."

"Good. Keep your eyes closed." Casey dug around the bag for the lip gloss she required while Alex drummed her nails on her jean clad leg. Still, Alex was obedient, even as it took Casey an extra several seconds to find the desired item. "Got it. Purse your lips." Alex did. Casey applied three dots of lip gloss. "Now, rub your lips together and pop them."

Once more, Alex did, opening her eyes. She examined herself in the mirror with wide, surprised eyes. "Wow. Casey, you have a real talent. Thank you."

Casey blushed. "Thank you."

Alex's eyes traveled from her own reflection to where Casey was watching her through the mirror. Their eyes met on the glass, and Alex smiled softly. "I'm glad you're not sick any more to come out tonight. You're going to love everyone. And, best part? Andy's gonna pick us up."

"Who's Andy?" Casey asked, tipping her head.

"My ex. We actually broke up when we both got acceptance letters to Harvard."

"That seems backwards," Casey said.

"He's Med. I'm law. Neither of us have time to cross that bridge."

Casey nodded. "That's fair. I can't imagine he has time to sleep."

"Because I do?" Alex asked, laughing. "It's okay, though. I wouldn't have married him. He's my older brother's friend. My brother set us up, but I think we knew on the blind date that we weren't for each other."

"So why stay together?"

"You tell me, Casey. You're the one who doesn't believe in divorce."

"That's different. I mean, you weren't married to him, were you?"

Alex shook her head. "But, it's the same thing, right? You don't get a divorce even if your marriage is eternally unhappy because God wouldn't want that."

"God says nothing about courtship."

"That's because back when God was still speaking to the human race, we used to sell our daughters to the highest bidder."

"Or a rapist," Casey added. Alex stopped fluffing her hair and stared at Casey. "I'm just saying, if a guy raped an unmarried woman, he had to marry her."

"That sucks."

"Tell me about it," the red haired woman grumbled. "Want me to do your hair as well?"

Alex shrugged. "Sure."

"Go out to the living room. I also need moose, three rubber bands and several pins." Alex dug the requested hair accessories from under the bathroom sink and handed them to Casey who carried them into the living room, perching on the edge of the couch.

Pointing to the floor at her feet, Casey said, "Sit."

Complying, Alex crossed her legs and leaned against the couch, Casey pulling her hair upwards, combing through the silk mane with her fingers. "What are you hoping for tonight?" she asked.

"I don't know. You're the one trying to break me of my naivete. What should I expect?" Casey pressed her fingers to Alex's face, gently turning her head to the side as she began to braid.

"You can't do that, Casey. You have to have some idea in your head about what the road to temptation looks like." Casey pulled hard at Alex's hair. "Ow. Did you do that on purpose?"

"No," Casey said, though it was obvious that she was lying. Or, at least, that she had been aware she was doing it when she did it even if she did not really mean to. "I'm sorry. Anyway, I don't know. I suppose I'm just happy to go out and listen to good music and maybe learn to dance a little. Plus, your friends sound really fantastic."

"They aren't as awesome as you," Alex teased, smiling.

Casey rolled her eyes with a sigh. "Uh, huh. Look at the wall." Alex turned her head to the wall, and Casey tied the braid with a rubber band. They chattered idly for the next fifteen minutes while Casey worked her fingers through Alex's soft hair, pinning, braiding, moosing, and banding until she stopped. "Okay. Done. Go look and tell me what you think."

Unfolding herself from the floor, Alex stood and headed into the bathroom. Casey had braided a crown in her hair, the hair pulled over to her left ear where Casey had twisted the hair into a bow, moose in the strands to hold them in place. "That's awesome, Casey. If law doesn't work out for you, you should go to cosmetology school. I'm serious."

Flushing, Casey tipped her chin to her chest. "Thanks," she murmured, twisting one of the loose strands of hair at her face between her fingers. A knock on the door made her jump, and she looked to the wooden unit, eyes wide.

Alex grinned. "You must have perfect timing, too. That's probably Andy now telling us we need to hurry up."

"Well, I'm ready," Casey said with a shrug as she shoved her hands into her jean pockets, standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room while Alex opened the door for her friend. Dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a borrowed dark blue halter top, Casey was nervous about being so naked. She wore tank tops, sure, but not out in public. Her shoulders felt too bare for her usual comfort level, but Alex had assured her that she looked gorgeous. As far as Casey was concerned, Alex was even more naked in her short black skirt and black top that just covered her chest leaving her stomach bare. Alex had used a glittered lotion on her stomach, arms, and legs which caused Casey to reassess her statement prior to Christmas that Alex could never be a party girl.

"Well, that's one of you," a man's voice called from the door as Alex opened it.

"Hush, you," Alex chided. "You men can wear whatever you want. Girls? We have to put work into it. Because, seriously, would you want me if I went wearing jeans and a tee?"

The man shook his head. "That's for other reasons, though, Cabot," he countered. "Still up to your same tricks, I see."

"Hush, Andy. You don't know what you're talking about. Casey, this is Andy. Andy, Casey." Alex waved her hands by way of introduction and Casey reached out tentatively and shook hands with Andy. He was at least six foot with a muscular frame, sandy blond hair, and black rimmed glasses. He had a strong, chiseled face with distinctly masculine features. Nothing feminine about him, and Casey could see why Alex did not immediately click with the man. Something about him just did not seem like an Alex thing.

"Pleased to meet you, Casey," Andy said.

"Likewise."

"Alex, hurry up. Charlie's in the car, and you know how he bitches."

"Yea, yea. He can wait on me."

"Fuckin' princess," Andy grumbled.

Casey shrank away from him, and Alex shot him a deadly glare. "Andy, watch your tongue. Casey's new to the world and doesn't much care for vulgarities."

Andy's brow went up as he looked Casey over. "So, you lived under a rock, huh?"

"I guess you could say that," Casey said with a shrug, wrinkling her nose at the man's mannerisms. "How long did you and Alex date?"

"Almost six months," he answered. "But, we weren't close. Why? You interested?"

Casey stepped away, her arms wrapping around her automatically as she shook her head, staring down at the coffee table. "N, no," she stammered.

Andy laughed. "Maybe you and I can get to know each other better tonight. Alex tells me great things about you."

"I don't tell you anything about her," Alex countered. "Stop perving out on her, Andy. This isn't college. You can't just go all creeper on the woman. She doesn't even understand what you're doing."

"What am I doing, Alex?"

"You're hoping to get laid tonight, but you're going to have to go find some other woman to satiate you. Casey's strictly off limits," Alex defended, rescuing Casey from an awkward position. "You're hitting on her way too aggressively, anyway." Alex combed her fingers through the loose part of Casey's hair. "She was sheltered."

Casey just stood there, trembling, until Alex cupped her hand over Casey's jaw, tugging just enough to garnish Casey's attentions. "Hey, Earth to Novak. You in there, hot shot?"

"Yea," Casey said with a nod. "I'm sorry, I just – I'm not looking for anything sexual, Andy. I just want to have a good time with my friend and her friends. Please don't do that again."

"Yea, yea, alright," Andy said, waving his hands in the air. "Come on, Cabot."

"I don't know if Charlie's the whiny one," Alex quipped, smacking Andy on the chest. As she pulled her hand away, she balled it into a fist and popped the medical student on the arm. "That's for messing with her head. Seriously, Andy. I need you to be a gentleman tonight and protect Casey if she needs it."

"Damn, you must have been one sheltered kid if Alex is recruiting people to be your body guards. Whatever. I don't give a damn either way, but you gotta know she doesn't do this for just anyone. Alex doesn't meddle."

"I always meddle," Alex said, rolling her eyes. "I just never meddled in your life because it's not that interesting."

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

"Seriously?" Casey chimed in. "No wonder you two broke up."

Alex laughed, sliding her arm around Casey's waist. "We've never had a serious fight, Casey. Don't worry. We've known each other for too long to not give each other a hard time. Andy was Adam's friend long before he was my date to anything."

"Oh. I see."

"Alright, I'm ready," Alex said, grabbing some folded bills and her ID and tucking them into her bra. "Let's go, ya whiny brat."

"Hey," Andy growled. Alex laughed, holding the front door open for both of her guests. Casey looked bewildered by everything that had just transpired. She was unaccustomed to social life being incredibly fast paced. She had gotten a lot of that in school, but she had always been the kind of awkward, shy child that not too many people spoke to even though she played sports and participated in theater. She had a somewhat low self esteem throughout high school and college, and that played even into her graduate years at Harvard.

Alex must have seen all of that because she fell into step with Casey at the top of the stairs. "Hey, hot shot?" Alex mused, her hand on the small of Casey's back. "I've got your back tonight, okay? Anything that happens that makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't get, let me know. I'll help you deal with it until you're comfortable handling it on your own."

"Being socially uneducated has its pitfalls, huh?"

"Just be grateful we're not going to high school any more," Alex said.

Casey shuddered. "High school was awful."

"No kidding. Just enjoy the music and the company tonight. We may have to put up with the lug all night, but at least you have me."

Smiling, Casey nodded. "You're good company. I rather enjoy spending time with you."

"You are cuter than I have words for, Novak."

Alex climbed into the front seat of the Nissan Xterra, and Casey into the seat immediately behind her. Another man was sitting in the back seat behind the driver's seat, and he watched Casey as she climbed in the vehicle. "Casey, Charlie, Charlie, Casey. He's a first year law student, like you. Charlie, what's your interest, again?"

"Divorce," Charlie answered with a smile. He nodded to Casey but did not offer his hand which was probably for the better because Casey was over shaking hands already. "Good to meet you, Casey. What area of law are you interested in?"

"Criminal prosecution," Casey answered, a rush of confidence in her body language and her voice. "I haven't seen you in class."

"We must not share any."

"Why?"

"Because I'd notice you if we were." Charlie grinned. Alex twisted in her chair and smacked Charlie's leg with her open palm. "What was that for?"

"Play clean. She's off limits."

"Taken?"

"No, just off limits to you."

"Baby," Andy said from the driver's seat as he merged onto the highway. Casey looked at all three of them, absolutely perplexed. Alex flashed Casey a reassuring smile. "It's not a bad thing, Casey." Andy was watching her from the rear view mirror. "It just means we'll be doing a little extra looking out for you tonight, that's all. Where are you from?"

"Denver, Colorado," Casey answered. "But, that lasted very few years. Where are we going?"

"Havana Club. It's not our usual place, but they have a pretty good New Year's celebration, and it's where Monica and Alana like to go, so we appease them," Alex answered. Casey nodded as though she knew what Alex was talking about, but in truth, she just had no idea. She had gotten confused and turned around somewhere in the conversation in the apartment and had yet to right herself. "I think you'll have fun"

Casey smiled. "I'm sure I will," she agreed, drawing her legs up onto the seat as she watched the city night go by from the window. "I can't dance, though."

"I'll teach you," Charlie said with a smile. "It's not that difficult. You'll pick up on it quickly. So, I take it this is your first time clubbing?" Casey nodded. "Just try to relax. You'll have a ball. Whatever you think you're expecting, stop expecting it. It's never that bad."

Casey laughed. "How do you know?"

"I'm psychic," Charlie responded with a grin to rival the cat that finally got the canary.

Rolling her eyes, Casey settled into the seat, adjusting her seat belt over her collarbone to keep it from digging into her neck.

"What?" Alex said from the front seat, still twisted, facing Casey and Charlie in the back. "No argument from Casey? You know, hot shot, Charlie'll duke it out with you, too. Won't you?"

"How long have you two known each other?" Casey asked.

Charlie shook his head. "Maybe a month. I met Cabot here through Andy."

"So, how far back do you two go?"

"Jeez," Charlie patted Andy's shoulder. "We go back to grade school. We pretty much grew up together. Andy and I were in the same grade." Casey's brows went up. Charlie blushed. "I didn't decide on law school until about a year ago. By then, I had a Bachelor's and was already two years working at a museum in Richmond, Virginia."

"Is that where you're from then?" Casey asked, leaning against the car door, her leg tucked under her as she talked with the other first year law student. Charlie had about three years on her if he was the same age as Andy since Alex had a year on her and Andy had two years on Alex.

Charlie nodded. "Born and raised."

"So, you've got a history degree?"

"Good guess. I love Civil War history, so I just figured the degree made sense. Turns out, I can't do crap with it. But, I can take a law degree back to Virginia and do something productive."

Casey shook her head. "I don't believe in divorce."

"You're a rarity, then. Most of America embraces it."

Frowning, Casey sighed, looking at Alex. "I think that's why so many people are so unhappy in life. Nothing's permanent any more."

"But, what if you marry a man and find out you don't love him?"

"If I don't love him, why would I marry him?"

Charlie shrugged. "He knocks you up and you guys think it's the right thing to do?"

"Bad argument, Charles," Alex chided. "Casey's Catholic. She doesn't believe in premarital sex."

"Okay. Then, what if he beats you?"

Casey shrugged. "You still don't get a divorce. You shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Most abusers don't start just because there's a wedding. Most abusers start well before then. And, if you did get married, you should try to figure out what's going on. You're supposed to be there through the good and the bad."

Alex frowned. "Casey, you're not responsible for your partner beating you up. You know that right?"

"Yea, I do. But, wouldn't you think that someone who expresses his anger by abusing his spouse might have unrelated issues that need addressing? Doesn't he deserve the devotion and support that a married partner is supposed to give?"

"What if he won't get the help he needs?" This from Andy. Casey looked down at her hands and shrugged. "Even if you can justify a divorce, you still wouldn't get one, would you?"

"No. I'm sorry. Even you think it's wrong to stay in an abusive relationship, I think it's more wrong to get a divorce. Being faithful doesn't mean anything if you just do it when it's easy." Casey met Alex's eyes briefly before looking back down, stunned by the raw emotion she had seen in her gray eyes.

"Some man is going to be really lucky to have you one day," Alex said, shaking her head. "I only hope he knows how lucky. Loyal to the last."

Andy pulled up outside the club. The parking lot nearby was already full, and he had to drive around the block twice before he found a spot to park, and they all climbed out. "Go to the door to the left of the line. Mark said he had to work tonight. He'll get us in lickity split," Andy instructed, and the small group did just that. "Tony texted me earlier. He, Amber, John, and Roger are already inside. Monica's bringing Alana after she gets off work at the restaurant. I have no idea who else is coming."

Alex shrugged. "It's not like we'll all stay together tonight. As long as you give Casey and I a ride back, we'll be okay."

"I told you I would. I'll be the sober one tonight."

"Do you normally drink?" Casey asked.

Andy shrugged. "Sometimes."

"If you let me drive, you can drink. I don't, so if I'm going to be sober anyway, you might as well enjoy yourself."

Alex wrapped her arm around Casey's waist, pulling her closer. "Aw, hot shot. You're so sweet, you know that."

"I try," Casey joked.


	7. Chapter 7

**(7)**

Casey stood in front of Alex, music pulsing through her head like a sword hacking away at her brain. It was so loud, Casey could not tell if she had a headache. She knew, though, that her body ached in time with the beat, and her heart beat changed to match as well. "I've heard some loud noises, Alex, but this takes the cake. I can't even understand the songs."

Alex laughed. "That's okay. People focus on your body, anyway." Around them, a few of Alex's friends danced along with strangers and people dressed in costumes Casey had never seen anywhere else in her life.. Others lounged on a couch behind a table littered with their drinks, alcohol for everyone but Casey who was sipping on Sprite. Alex held out her hands, gesturing with her fingers for Casey to give her hers. The red haired woman carefully laid her hands on Alex's. "Move like I do," Alex instructed.

Casey followed Alex's movements, jerking and shaky. "I can't do this, Alex. I don't move like this."

"Here." Alex carefully turned Casey around, pulling her body flush to her own, her fingers still intertwined with Casey's. "Close your eyes. Follow what you feel." Casey did as instructed, her lids fluttering shut as she tried to focus on the feel of Alex's body behind hers as she moved in the rhythm of her body. She tried to block out the sound of the music as well, the beat still pounding through her bones like a deep, deep ache.

It took her a moment to realize that Alex had done it, but the blond moved Casey's stray hairs from her neck, her fingers trailing down her skin. Cupping her hand over Alex's hand, Casey held Alex's palm to her neck. "Alex," she murmured, her voice too quiet to be heard over the music, even at the proximity Alex was standing.

Taking two steps forward, Casey shook her head. "Alex, wait. I, I need to sit down. But, keep dancing."

"What's wrong, Casey?" Alex asked.

"Nothing," Casey said. "I just need to sit. It's too loud in here." Casey pressed her hands over her ears to accentuate her point. Alex nodded and pointed to the couch some of the others were sitting on. Casey curled up on the fabric couch and cuddled her Sprite to her chest. Alex sat down beside her, aware enough to be far enough away to not touch her but to still be close.

"You look pretty good out there," a voice beside Casey said. She looked over and smiled mildly as the brunette man lounged back into couch, his arm draped over the back. He looked utterly content and relaxed, and Casey could not help but to smile.

She shook her head. "You're just saying that," she said with a shrug. "But, thank you, Charlie."

"You've never been out dancing before."

"Is it that obvious?"

Charlie laughed. "Just a little. Alex knows what she's doing. She'll teach you how to find the rhythm."

"You sound like a beatnik." Casey shifted on the couch so that she was evenly spaced between Alex and Charlie with a cautionary err closer to Alex. She had never really done well around male strangers. It was just her level of socially awkward, and it was flamboyant and incredibly evident. It was difficult to miss that she had no idea what to do with herself around the men in the group, but it was equally easy to misunderstand what that really meant.

Hiding his smile, Charlie took a sip of the beer he was holding. "There might be a poet in me somewhere," he quipped.

Chewing at the inside of her lip as though it were necessary that she eat her way through her mouth, Casey stared at her hands. She was trying hard to not treat any of the guys in the group like siblings even though that was her assertion of each one. They were Alex's friends. Ergo, it was okay to treat them like friends. But, she needed the practice apparently, and they seemed to know about what was wrong and what was right. Plus, if Alex jumping in as often as she did was an indicator, at least two of the men in their group had hit on her that night and one other man from the club. Casey did not yet know if that were a good thing or not, but she was incredibly grateful to not be alone at the club.

"Hey, come dance with me," Charlie said, standing as he held out his hand to Casey.

Briefly, Casey looked to Alex who nodded, shooing Casey away with her hand. "Go. Have fun," she said as a bottle blond flopped on the now vacant area of the couch beside Casey. Earlier in the night, Casey had been introduced, and if she remembered correctly, that was Monica. The woman was barely twenty one and taking in the clubbing and drinking thing eagerly. She handed Alex a tumbler of something Casey could not identify, her friend taking it with a grateful smile.

"Alright," Casey said, taking Charlie's hand and letting him lead her back to the dance floor a few feet away. Really, they had a prime spot in the club for lounging around. The way some of Alex's friends reacted in the club, Casey figured they were there often enough. That, and the bar tender knew Andy by name when Casey had helped him carry everyone's drinks back to the table. The bar tender also did not seem to mind that Andy was buying so many drinks at once even though most of the people around them were unable to order more than two or three drinks at once.

"Just enjoy the music," Charlie coached.

Casey still felt awkward and jittery, but she tried to do as she was told and mimic the other girls around her. Quite simply, dancing did not come naturally to her.

"What do you do for fun?" Charlie asked.

"I play softball and read," Casey answered. "What about you?"

Smiling, Charlie shrugged. "I like going to the movies. Wanna get some fresh air?" Casey nodded. He reached out and grabbed Casey's hand, his fingers soft and gentle around hers. She followed him over to a side door, wiggling through the crowd of people, bursting out onto the porch, almost gasping like a fish out of water.

The only noise on the porch was the chatter of people talking. It smelled of cigarette smoke, but Charlie found them a place upwind of everyone else that was not nearly so choked with smoke, where he and Casey could breathe. He perched on the railing around the deck area, and Casey followed suit. "I like it out here much better," she murmured.

"Me, too," Charlie agreed. "It's quieter. I like to hear myself think."

Casey laughed. "I guess."

"You sure you're okay?" the brunette male asked, his fingers gently pushing Casey's hair behind her ear.

Biting her lip, Casey nodded. "Yea, I'm fine."

"You seem distracted."

Casey shrugged. "I've never been very good at talking to guys."

"Why not? We're just people."

"I know. I'm just awkward."

"I think you're cute."

Casey blushed, the heat rising to her face rapidly. "Thanks," she murmured, letting go of the railing with one hand, trying to hide the obvious color in her otherwise snow white cheeks.

"You are innocent, aren't you?" Charlie asked rhetorically. "Have you and Ali been friends long?"

"She's my second year mentor. I met her just before classes started last semester. We just kinda clicked."

Charlie nodded. "She's a good friend to have. Is law school everything you hoped it to be?"

"And more," Casey answered with a grin. "I really am enjoying myself. What about for you?"

"It's nice. I feel like I'm doing something with myself. But, it's also really stressful. Some days, I think it might just be too much."

"I know the feeling," Casey confessed. "I kept thinking that one more all nighter, and I was going to collapse from exhaustion."

"You're a better person than I am."

"No better, no worse."

Charlie smiled. "You know, I'd really like to spend more time with you. Maybe we could get coffee later this week?"

"Sure. I work at a cafe near the campus. Maybe one day after I get off work."

"Sounds great."

Casey shivered. "Good. This is going to sound weird, but I'm freezing. Can we go back inside?"

"Yea. You bet. It's almost midnight, anyway. They'll be starting the count down in a few minutes. We should all be together." Charlie hopped off the rail and held his hand out to Casey who took it and slid off the iron bar, her other arm wrapped around her bare shoulders, skin covered in gooseflesh.

Charlie led the way back to the couch where Alex and Monica were talking. Everyone else had managed to disappear, but the two women were guarding the drinks. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Andy's in some dark corner doing his thing, everyone else is out on the dance floor. It's almost midnight, Charlie. Where'd you two disappear off to?" Alex asked looking up.

Biting her lip, Casey shrugged. "Outside. It's much quieter."

Alex laughed, patting the couch beside her, looping her arm around Casey's shoulder as the red haired woman settled in, leaning against her friend. "Did you two have a nice talk?" she asked, her eyes fixed on Charlie.

"Yes," Casey said. "Charlie's an interesting person."

"Don't be jealous, Cabot," Charlie chided.

"I'm not," Alex said. "Just worried. What did you two talk about?" She was still fixed on Charlie, her arm draped protectively around Casey.

"Alex?" Casey asked, lifting her head from the blond's shoulder and looking between the two. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, Casey. Don't worry about it," Charlie said. "I'm going to get something to drink. Do you two want anything?"

Alex shook her head.

"Sprite?" Casey asked, reaching into the back pocket of her jeans for some cash. Charlie nodded but refused the money Casey offered him, disappearing into the crowd. "Alex?" Casey turned back to her friend, tucking the money away. "I'm confused."

"He's interested in you, Casey," Alex said, her tone speaking of caution.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No," Alex responded, stroking Casey's hair. "He's very smart."

"Why don't you like him, then?"

Alex smiled, her body language softening. "I guess he's right. I'm jealous."

"Of what? Do you like him? I'm not trying to-"

"No," Alex said quickly, shaking her head. "No, no, no. He's all yours." Alex tossed her head back and laughed. "Listen to us. It's like high school all over again."

"Maybe your high school," Casey answered. "Not mine."

"Just not the part you participated in. You're lucky."

Casey shook her head. "To be the social outcast? My brothers were all big shots on sports teams and had tons of friends. I was good at the sports I played, good enough to make varsity and be scouted in soft ball, but I never made the kinds of friends you make."

"That might be a good thing, hot shot," Alex said with a slight frown. "Are you okay?"

"Yea."

"You're a liar if there ever was one."

"So are you."

Alex smiled. "Just a little."

Charlie returned, holding out a clear carbonated beverage for Casey. "Sprite for you, Casey," he announced.

"Thanks, Charlie," Casey said, taking the glass from his hands, sipping from the straw.

"Last dance of the year with me, Casey?" Charlie asked.

"Um," Casey hesitated, looking at Alex with uncertainty. Alex moved her arm from Casey's shoulders and pushed her standing. "Okay." Charlie grinned.

Laughing, Casey followed Charlie onto the floor, dancing with him. She could not help but turn to look at Alex. The blond woman was watching her, tumbler to her lips, lids lowered, and even in the darker, colorful lights of the club, Casey could tell that Alex was watching her almost exclusively. Charlie put his hands on Casey's hips, drawing Casey's attention away from her blond friend and to the man she was trying to dance with.

Casey leaned back against Charlie, her mind quickly working to try and wrap her head around the night. There was just so much that was new to her that she was having trouble adapting. Men did not flirt with her because she had never allowed it. Or, maybe she had just never noticed it. Alex had pointed it out, and she did not doubt that Charlie was flirting with her. She just could not tell if she was flirting back, or even if she wanted to. She did not know if she wanted to jump at the first chance or wait until she had more knowledge behind her, more understanding of that aspect of social society.

"Charlie," Casey murmured, pushing his hands away from where his fingers danced over her hips and up her sides. "I can't."

"Okay," Charlie muttered in her ear, his hands covering hers. "You be comfortable, Casey."

Casey nodded as the DJ announced the beginning of the countdown. "Come on," Casey said, her eyes lighting up as she pulled Charlie back over, closer to the couch and the rest of the group which had reconvened with a few new participants.

Andy passed Charlie and Casey sparkling hats, and Casey pulled hers on. "Here's to a new start," Casey said with a smile.

"Heck yes," Alex agreed. Monica grabbed Alex's arm, pulling her several feet from Casey and Charlie. Charlie wrapped his arm around Casey, and she leaned against him, careful not to dislodge her hat. They joined in the countdown, and the lights went off as tradition dictated, the dark world filled with the sounds of cheering and party horns. There was a trickle of confetti and balloons sinking around them, things that had been released when the countdown hit zero, just before the lights went dark.

Alex felt a hand on her cheek, moving her face, lips pressed up against hers. It was a chaste, uncertain kiss in the total darkness, and Alex's senses flared to life. She had dated on both sides of the coin, and in so doing, assumed the woman kissing her was Monica who had been fawning over her all night. She pressed her hand into the back of the woman's bare back, pulling her tighter against her. She had meant what she had told Casey. She didn't need a boyfriend to put her tongue down someone's throat. After a few heart beats, the mouth pushed up against hers opened, and Alex responded in kind, pulled into an incredibly passionate kiss that left her breathless and wanting more.

By the time the lights flickered back on and everyone began cheering, whomever had been in front of Alex was gone. Monica, however, offered Alex a flirtatious grin. Alex smiled back. Reaching over, Monica swiped part of Alex's lip, coming away with an almost purple lipstick. Alex's eyes roved over the bottle blond, her eye shadow and lipstick almost matching shades of purple. Blushing sheepishly, Alex looked to the floor before her. Her eyes flickered up again, this time meeting Casey's eyes. The woman was standing a few feet away with Charlie, hugging her Sprite to her chest. Quickly, Casey looked away, staring hard into her drink, playing with her lower lip with her fingers.

"Happy New Year, Alex," Monica said, pulling her away from the group, laughing.

Smiling, Alex trotted into the dancing crowd again with the other woman leading the way.

"What's wrong, Casey?" Charlie asked the red head beside him.

Casey turned to him, smiling. "Nothing. Why do you keep asking?"

"You look at Alex a lot."

"She's kind of my guide. This is new territory, Charlie."

"Just do what feels right. Do you think I'll steer you wrong?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't know you, Charlie. For as sweet as you are tonight, I don't know you."

"Fair enough. For being innocent, you're smart. I like that."

"Me, too," Casey murmured. She felt torn and did not understand why. It really was new territory for her, and now with Alex's insight, she knew Charlie was hitting on her. It made her more nervous than she had thought it would. She had just kind of assumed she would be single for her entire life, buried in her work. She had joked more than once with her sister, Stephanie, that she would be like a nun, but rather than married to the service of God, she intended to be married to the service of the law.

Charlie snickered. "You're something special, Casey, you know that?"

"What do you mean?" Casey asked, innocently twisting her fingers together. She truly did not understand and it was becoming frustrating for her as much as it were a wonder. "I'm nothing special."

"You are, but I have a feeling I'm going to have no success in arguing what you believe about yourself."

Casey's brow furrowed as she looked Charlie over. "That's cruel," she muttered, pulling away from him, disappearing through the crowd.

Alex watched the red haired woman push past her, seemingly unaware that she was breaking up the two women dancing on the floor. "Hang on, Monica. I'll be right back. I think Charlie fucked up."

Monica nodded, and Alex took off after Casey, catching up to her just outside the front door. "Casey," she called, squeezing past the bouncers. "Casey, wait. Talk to me. What happened?"

Turning, Casey looked back at Alex, blinking tears back furiously. "Nothing, Alex. Nothing happened."

"You're crying over nothing, then?"

"I'm not crying." Even as she said it, Casey pushed the tears from her face back hard.

"What did Charlie do?" Alex asked. Casey shook her head. "Well, then what did he say?"

Casey shook her head again. "It's just me being stupid, Alex. That's all. I'm sorry. You shouldn't worry about me."

Alex wrapped her arms around Casey. "Of course I worry about you, hot shot. You're not being stupid. If it upset you, then it upset you."

"It's not just what he said, Alex. I'm confused and scared. I've spent the night trying to flirt but I just don't think it's what I want."

"What do you mean, Casey?" The red head shook her head, burying her head into Alex's shoulder. "Hot shot, I can't help you out unless you talk to me."

Biting her lip, Casey stood back, her arms wrapped about her bare skin. "I don't know, Alex. Never mind. Forget me. Can we leave?"

Alex nodded. "Of course. Why don't we take a cab? We'll leave the guys to keep drinking. I'll go tell Andy. I'll be right back."

Casey nodded, leaning against the building as Alex walked up to the bouncers, scooting beyond them through the door once she talked to them briefly. Casey did not know what she said, but they seemed to know her.

Once inside, Alex wound her way over to the couch. "Hey, Alex, what's going on?" Andy asked.

"I'm going to take Casey home. She's had enough exposure for one night. Charlie, can I talk to you?"

The man nodded, slipping to the side with the blond woman. "What's up, Cabot? Is Casey okay?"

"You shouldn't have had anything to drink tonight. Not making an impression on Casey. You know alcohol doesn't mix well."

"That's none of your fucking business, Cabot," Charlie bristled.

"It is if you hurt her, Charlie. She's my friend." Alex squared off with the man. "You stay away from her unless you plan on behaving. She's innocent, and you have no right to take that away from her."

Charlie shrugged. "I'll only take what she gives me. I know she's naïve, Alex. I'm not stupid, so stop treating me like I am. You think she might just be overreacting?"

"No," Alex snapped. "Because I know what you're like when you start drinking."

"I'm not an asshole. Stop making me out to be one."

"You can't drink on your meds, Charlie," Alex hissed. "You know that. It messes with your head. You're a good guy, and I'd love to see her with a good guy, but not when she's going to be crying at the end of her first night meeting you. What did you say to her? What did you do?"

"She's frightened, Alex. She doesn't know about flirting and dating. Do I think she's cute? Yes. Would I like to get to know her? Yes. Have I been flirting all night? God, yes. Have you seen her? Don't you dare tell me you wouldn't flirt with her if you thought anything might come of it."

Alex slapped Charlie. She didn't know where the anger had come from except that it flowed out over her, and the best outlet at that moment happened to be Charlie's cheek against her open palm. "If you ever take advantage of her, Charlie Rhoads, you better hope and pray to God that I don't find out."

Turning Alex left the club, finding Casey still outside, leaning against the brick wall, her cheek pressed against the chilled material. "Come on, Casey. Let's get you home."

"I'm a fool, huh?"

"No," Alex murmured. "I promise, you're not."

"I don't fit in at a place like this, Alex. I'm sorry. I just don't."

"Despite what he said, would you see Charlie again? Maybe one on one?"

"Yea. I really don't think he meant anything bad by what he said. I just – I'm the one that should apologize. I owe him that much."

Alex licked her lips, glancing down before sighing. "I can't tell you what to do, Casey."

"But, you don't think I should apologize," Casey concluded.

Shaking her head, Alex shrugged. "You do what you want, Casey."

"What aren't you telling me about Charlie, Alex? Have you two known each other longer than he said? Did you date? What? Something's gotta be there."

"No," Alex said, offering a soft smile. "I'm just being overprotective."

"I don't need protecting," Casey said, her voice hurt.

"No," Alex agreed. "You don't. You're just my friend, and that's how I am. It doesn't mean anything, just that I'm over protective. You do what makes you happy, Case. I'll stand behind that one hundred percent."

"Thanks, Alex." Casey bit her lip, shuffling her feet in the light snow covering the sidewalk. It was not snowing as they stood there and talked, but it had been snowing earlier while they were inside the club. "I agreed to have coffee with him later this week."

"Good for you," Alex said with a smile.

"I'm scared I'm going to mess things up. I've never done this before."

"There's plenty of times after if you do. Charlie knows you're inexperienced. He'll be a gentleman."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks for the reads. Glad you're liking it thus far. :) Hopefully, this continues to please. **

**(8)**

"You looked great out there," Charlie said, smiling broadly as Casey trotted over to the stands, picking up her bat as she passed over home base. She had joined a recreational softball league earlier that summer and been picked up quickly by a team that spent more time chatting than it did practicing, but it was just what Casey needed at the end of her first year in law school.

"Thanks," she murmured, stretching up and kissing him chastely. Both Charlie and Alex had been to every one of her games and cheered her on no matter what else was going on. It became clear early on that Charlie and Alex danced around each other, neither one ever really saying what they thought about the other, but it was clear their tolerance for each other was for the sake of Casey. Even as she came to understand more and experience more between her best friend and her boyfriend, Casey still did not grasp why there was so much animosity between the two of them.

"Home run. You go, hot shot," Alex said, holding out her hand and earning herself a high five.

It was early July. Charlie had asked Casey out the second time they had gone to dinner, and Casey had accepted. They had been dating steadily ever since, though Casey had clearly drawn the line regarding where Charlie could put his hands. That threat was backed with more than just her words. Alex had made thing equally clear to Charlie, and the Cabot woman was a fierce woman with more than just her words. She was formidable, and even Charlie knew better than to cross her. Though, he insisted that he did not want to do anything that made Casey uncomfortable. Casey believed it. Alex was dubious at best.

Casey ran back over to her teammates, earning high fives from each of them as they chattered and cheered on their other teammates on the bases and at bat. Alex and Charlie cheered as well, knowing each of Casey's teammates and their families by name. In fact, they knew most of the people on the stand as well. It was a chance for people who would otherwise not likely come together to hang out and talk. For her part, Alex loved it. She was a socialite, even if her upbringing had tried to make her a high class socialite. She just liked to be in rooms filled with people talking and networking. Over the course of two years, she had made several friends and wracked up several favors among politicians and classmates who would be future attorneys elsewhere. That summer, she had met several people who were not powerful or political, but they were good people to know.

"She's pretty good," Charlie said, nodding at Casey in the dugout.

Alex nodded her agreement. "Yea."

"I hear she's taking you to the batting cages this weekend." Alex nodded, taking a sip of her Pepsi. "Mind if I tag along?"

"I kind of do," Alex said, glaring at Charlie. "I was hoping for a girl's day out."

Charlie shook his head. "Why do you hate me?"

"I don't," Alex said. "I just don't trust you."

"What I told you, Alex, I said in the strictest confidence. You have no right to tell others."

Alex frowned. "Against my better judgment, I haven't. You're decent as long as you're doing what the doctor tells you. I won't tell anyone, not even Casey, as long as you are not a danger to yourself or others."

"I've never been a danger to myself or others. You, above all others, should understand mental illnesses."

"I do."

"Then why pick on me?"

"I'm not picking on you, Charlie. I'm protecting Casey. There's a difference."

"After six months, you still don't think I'm good enough for her, do you?"

Alex shook her head, hands pressed together in front of her as she leaned forward, watching the game before them. "No one's good enough for her, Charlie."

"Except you," the man scoffed. "It's no secret. Everyone else can see it. Just not her."

Shaking her head, Alex scoffed at Charlie. "That's because she doesn't believe sapphism is possible. It doesn't occur to her."

"What would you do if I told her?" The look Charlie got from Alex was deadly. "Oh, you don't know where she stands on the whole homosexuality front, do you? You think she'd stop being your friend if she knew you liked a little pussy."

"I'm not gay," Alex countered weakly. "I've dated men."

"So, you're a whore?"

Alex took another sip of her Pepsi, her face hard. "You're lucky we're in public, Charlie. Don't push me."

"Unbecoming of a Cabot to hit someone with witnesses?"

"My patience is immeasurable when there are witnesses," Alex said, frown on her face.

Charlie shook his head. "You're so angry. I don't understand it. I really do care about Casey, Alex. Why can't you just let that much alone?"

"If you care about her, I will. It is only when I have my doubts."

"What doubts?" Charlie asked. "What have I ever done to her? I've respected every one of her wishes and tried to make her happy."

"I question the future. How long have you been on your meds?"

"Seven months," Charlie said. "When you met me, I was in a sorry state. I'm not stupid. Andy got me on my feet, and I'm not going to go back there."

"You say that now, Charlie, but you forget your own words," Alex murmured. "I do understand mental illness. I hope for your sake and Casey's that you don't go off your meds. She might not think that a woman can love a woman as a man, but I do love her, and even if I don't get her, it does not mean I'm going to let whomever does hurt her in any way." Standing, Alex walked down the bleachers as the game ended to join the troops.

Charlie followed, and as they hit the grass near where the two teams were gathered, yelling excitedly and high fiving. It did not matter who won the games. For the most part, the players were more interested in playing the game, drinking beer, and socializing than actually keeping tally. They kept tally only for the end of the season and for fun.

Casey came over to them, bat across her shoulders as she hung onto the ends. "Did you see Mike's home run?" she asked of the youngest member of the team, an eighteen year old who attended Harvard as an undergraduate. Alex nodded. "It's his first ever. We're going to get milkshakes to celebrate. You two are coming, right?"

"Yea," Alex agreed.

Charlie smiled, his arm sliding around Casey's waist. "Of course, honey."

Casey kissed Charlie's cheek and hugged Alex. "Thanks, guys. I really do appreciate all your support. Let me change my shoes and we'll all head up that way."

"You bet," Alex said. "We'll be waiting over here."

Grinning ear to ear, Casey ran off to grab her duffel bag, sitting on the bench to change her shoes quickly.

"She's happy," Charlie pointed out, leaning closer to Alex. "Can you leave me alone?"

"Don't mistake her happiness as your credit, Charlie. Casey makes her own happiness. It's just who she is," Alex cautioned, folding her arms over her stomach. "What about you, Charlie? Are you happy?"

"More than I ever have been," he said. "I never saw myself as the settling down type, but I could see myself settling down with Casey. Not any time soon, but after we've both graduated and gotten set up in whatever practice we wind up in. I have no delusions about our friendship or lack thereof, but would you still be friends with her if she were permanently out of your reach?"

"She's my best friend," Alex said. "There is nothing on this earth that would make me stop being friends with her, not even you." Alex narrowed her eyes at Charlie as Casey strolled over, talking with one of the other players on the team.

"You're one jealous woman, Cabot. I never even knew that kind of jealousy was possible."

Alex shrugged, tossing the empty bottle of Pepsi into the trash near the stands. "Ready, hot shot?" she asked Casey, ignoring Charlie's comment. The red head nodded. "You traveling with us or are you headed over with your team?"

"No, I'll travel with you."

Holding out her hand palm up, Alex offered Casey the keys to her Mustang convertible. It had been a birthday present to her from her parents. Initially, Alex had been angry over the present, calling it blood money, but she had gotten past that after a few days and now drove the thing everywhere. "Really?" Casey asked, beaming as she took the keys.

It was a car that Casey drove too fast and hit the brakes too hard, but Alex did not mind letting her drive the vehicle around. She seemed to have fun with it, and that was enough to make the blond smile, too. Giddy, Casey pranced about with the keys. "Come on, get in," she ordered, slinging the bag into the back passenger seat. It was a small back seat, but it was there, and Alex climbed in sideways, kicking her feet up on Casey's bag. "Why aren't you in the passenger seat, Ali?"

"Shouldn't you let your boyfriend be up there?" Alex questioned, raising a brow to Charlie.

Casey's smile faltered for just a moment, and Alex barely caught it as she sat up straighter, regarding Casey with a concerned look. "I just thought since it was your car you'd want to," Casey said with a laugh.

"I'm okay back here," Alex said, watching Charlie as he got into the passenger seat, buckling himself in. "This time. Maybe on the way back home we'll throw the boyfriend in the trunk."

Smirking, Casey shook her head. "You can be so mean, Alex."

Alex looped her hands around Casey's neck in the front seat from the back. "It's part of my charm," she murmured, rubbing her hands over Casey's arms. "Ew. You're all gross and sweaty."

"It happens to the best of us," Casey said with a grin. "We're going to the cafe where I work."

"Mm, yum. Milkshakes all around. It's like elementary school again."

Casey giggled. "I guess. Charlie, is that okay with you?"

The brunette man nodded. "Honey, you know it is. We're celebrating your friend's home run. That's all that matters." Casey dropped one hand from the wheel and held it out, Charlie taking her hand in his, his fingers lacing through hers. She did feel happy and content with him. He brought a smile to her face, though she still could not bring herself to open herself up to him in a completely intimate manner. Six months into their relationship, she knew she would never have sex with a man she was not married to, but she could not even bring herself to kiss him any more than a simple peck on the lips. She knew he was getting impatient with her, but she couldn't help it.

Rubbing her thumb over Charlie's, Casey sighed. "Thanks, babe." She pulled the vehicle into a parking spot near the diner and turned off the engine. "Hey, Charlie, it doesn't look like anyone else is here yet. Can you tell them we've got about fifteen people coming in?"

"Sure." Charlie climbed out of the car leaving Alex and Casey alone outside.

When it became clear that Casey was not going to get out of the car, Alex climbed into the front seat and twisted to look at her friend. "What's wrong, Casey?" she asked.

"Nothing," Casey said with a shrug. "I just don't get to spend as much time with you any more. I miss that."

Alex smiled. "Charlie does keep you well occupied. We can take a girl's weekend. You take me to the batting cages Saturday, then, I'll take you to get your nails done. We'll get hot chocolate and marshmallows, rent a couple of movies, and just be girls, okay? Is there something going on that I should know about?"

Shaking her head, Casey reached over the center of the vehicle and ran the back of her fingers over Alex's jaw line. "No, Alex. I just need to spend time with my best friend."

"Hot shot, you can always call me or just come over. You have a spare key for a reason, Casey."

Casey nodded. "I know, but-" She stopped and looked over her shoulder to the diner's door. "I love spending time with him, Alex, but I just need to be with you for a couple of days. I feel like things are moving too fast."

"It's your first relationship, Casey," Alex said. "And, it's a long one. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. You can always tell Charlie to back down a little. He knows he's your first boyfriend. I'm sure he'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

Alex shook her head. "Then he doesn't deserve you."

"You're good for my ego, you know?" Casey picked at and played with several strands of Alex's hair, bleached ever more blond by the Massachusetts summer sun. "He's been so patient with me, so understanding."

"You've given him a lot of your firsts already, Casey. It's okay to be hesitant."

"He's my first boyfriend, sure," Casey said.

"And your first kiss," Alex pointed out.

Casey shook her head, flushing deep, deep crimson. "I may not have kissed anyone when we met, but by the time he asked me out, I had."

Alex's brow furrowed in mock anger. "And you kept this from me? You sly rodent. Is that part of your hang up, then? You have a crush on this guy?"

"No," Casey said, shaking her head. "Not a crush. No, I don't know. I really like Charlie, Alex, but it's just going faster than I expected."

"What about it is too fast?"

Shaking her head, Casey sighed. "That's just it. I don't know. In terms of what I can tell with everyone else, I'm moving this at a snail's pace. Even you and that Justin guy you met back in March – you two already got together and broke up."

"I didn't have sex with him if that's what you mean, Casey," Alex said. "In fact, my lack of willingness to go to bed with him is what made him leave. I don't miss him, though."

Casey bit her lip. "That's what I mean." She gripped the steering wheel with her hands until her knuckles lost any semblance of color. Staring hard at the leather beneath her hands, Casey chewed at her lip until she thought it might bleed.

"Hey, Casey, look at me," Alex instructed. Slowly, Casey did, Alex's fingers on her chin to guide her glance. "Eyes up, too, hot shot." Casey pulled her chin away, staring at the floor of the Mustang. "Alright, fine. Don't look at me."

Alex covered Casey's hand with one of her own. "Casey, if Charlie leaves because you won't have sex with him, then you need to find yourself a better date. No one is worth dating if they tell you they'll leave because you aren't intimate enough with them. No one is ever worth that, Casey."

Turning her hand in Alex's, Casey squeezed her friend's hand. "How did you come to know so much?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes, Casey. Including letting someone have my body solely because I was afraid he would leave me."

"What happened?"

Alex shook her head. "He left anyway. I felt so dirty after. I may be a lot more promiscuous than you are, but I never sleep with someone I don't want to." Alex chuckled. "I don't even kiss anyone I don't want to. Call me a snob, but I made that mistake once, and I felt so disgusting, so horrible. It's really not worth it."

Casey bit her lip so hard that Alex instinctively reached over, thumb against Casey's lip. "Let it go. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry."

"For what? Casey, you've done nothing wrong."

Casey shrugged. "Catholic guilt, I guess."

Smiling, Alex pulled Casey over the center and onto the same seat as she was, partially on her lap. "You and that guilt, hot shot."

Shaking her head, Casey curled onto Alex's lap, her arms wrapped around her neck. "Thank you," she muttered.

"For what?"

"Talking to me, being frank. I appreciate that. You keep my head on." For several seconds, Casey lay quietly on Alex's lap, another car pulling into the parking lot. "Can I come over tonight?"

"Of course. You sound worried." Alex pet Casey's hair.

"I just need some not alone time." Casey opened the door of the car and scrambled out, Alex following behind.

"Casey, did you see it?" Mike called, excited. "I finally hit a homerun."

"I know! It's great. You're doing really well." Casey beamed, her hand sliding out of Alex's, the blond letting her go reluctantly. She patted Mike's back as she walked into the diner, another group of players and friends coming around the corner. Alex leaned back against her car, watching.

For a couple of hours in the cafe, they all chattered and laughed, and Casey leaned against Alex in on of the booths they occupied. In the melee of settling in, Charlie had somehow wound up in one of the chairs pulled up to the table pushed up against the booth. Alex noticed it, and she noticed that Casey's act of sitting a part from Charlie seemed deliberate. "Why are you avoiding your boyfriend?" Alex whispered in Casey's ear.

"I told you I just need some girl time."

"We'll talk later," Alex murmured. "And, I expect the truth."

"I told you," Casey protested. "I just need some time with my friend. Things are moving too fast."

"Uh huh. Sure, Casey. I know you better than that."

Casey picked up her milkshake, taking a sip to cover her nerves. "Fine."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks for the awesome reviews. Casey totally is like a little kid. I always figured she was kind of sheltered and that it was more her first years as an ADA and her experience with Charlie that really made her grow up. I don't know, totally just my perception. And, it seems that's what's playing out here. Anyway, you are all so totally sweet with your reviews. Hopefully, you all like this chapter as well. :)**

**(9)**

It was the clear nights that made Casey stare at the stars in wonder and think. There was just so much she questioned, so much she did not, could not understand. Laying in the grass on a warm night in the park just down the street from her apartment complex, Casey traced her lips, her mind rehashing some distant, fond memory. At least, it felt distant. The entirety of herself felt distant. She felt as though she were walking on egg shells, and she could not figure as to why. That night had been a strange one, a first in a long line of firsts, but not a first she would look back at fondly. The sensation that something was looming over her was not one that she could shake.

Earlier that day, she had called her parents just to talk to them. She told them about Charlie and her parents insisted on meeting him. He really was so sweet to her, Casey could barely believe she had gotten so lucky her first time around. She had almost grown accustomed to the vase of wild flowers left outside her apartment door every Friday. He had gotten her roses once, but she had told him she liked wild flowers better, and they had changed. She knew she could lay out on nights like the one she was laying out on and just talk and he would not judge her. He would ask questions and genuinely want to hear the answers. Casey was finding that she could open up to him more and more emotionally and physically. She could cuddle up against the man without reservation or hesitation, though she still drew the same line of premarital sex that she had always drawn. She did not believe that was a belief she could overcome, even if she were not an otherwise practicing Catholic. That part of her was sacred. She could give it away only once, and she did not want to do anything with anyone she would not be with for the rest of her life. And, even if he did not understand that, Charlie respected it, and that was all Casey wanted.

She had grown so much, even in the past few months. She had secrets where she had not held secrets before, even from her best friend. She was beginning to understand the innuendos thrown around between her teammates and her friends, and, occasionally, she was able to throw one back. Her innocence was slowly receding, breaking, though gently, as Alex had promised. The woman more than the man would gently push her outside of her comfort zone and expand it, slowly but steadily. Nothing too horrible had yet happened, and for that, Casey was grateful. She had been broken in a different manner by her internship with the District Attorney, but her parents had never sheltered her from that. Her father had always let her know of such things existing. It was the other portions of her innocence that her mother had guarded, stating it was bad enough she had been introduced to such other things.

Alex was still her guardian, though, and she trusted her friend explicitly. And, as the grass beside her rustled, Casey turned from staring at the stars to staring at a pair of bare feet. Her eyes traced up the equally bare legs to a pair of denim cut off shorts. The woman in question was holding a pair of flip flops in her hand, the other arm crossed over her stomach and the dark purple tank top. It was still warm enough, even in the dark, that Casey knew Alex would not be cold even though Casey wore jeans and a sweatshirt. Casey simply did not wear shorts, and after the unusual night she had, the sweatshirt was comforting even if it were a little warm. "Hey, hot shot," Alex murmured, squatting down over her friend. "You thinking?"

"It's what I do best," Casey said with a sigh as she sat up on her elbows, Alex falling to a cross legged position at her side. "I'm just thinking about how my life has completely changed over the past almost year."

"And?" Alex asked, leaning back on her hands, regarding her with a slight smile and philosopher's eyes. Her lids as they so often were, were somewhat lowered when she looked at Casey, as though she were drawn between two worlds and was trying to decide which to exist in.

Casey knew it was a look reserved only for her, but she did not understand why. It was not a look she had ever received before Alex, and it was not one that she could meet without feeling odd and disquieted. Even then, she looked over to the grass, picking it with her fingers. "I'm not who I used to be."

"Do you regret it?" There was a distinct concern lacing Alex's voice that was impossible to miss to anyone who knew her well, but to a stranger, it would not have even been there. To those who knew her too little or not at all, Casey had learned, Alex was in ice princess, a hardened soul, though she had never hinted to Casey as to why that was. Casey brushed it off as the upbringing of the wealthy. Too many politicians running around meant a girl had to be hard just to survive. At least, that was Casey's perception. Whether or not it was the truth remained to be seen.

"No, of course not. But, I can't look at things any more and not see certain things. Nothing bad, I just – some of the wonder has disappeared." She continued to pull at the grass, cutting the blades with her nails until Alex placed a hand over hers, flattening her palm to the earth. Casey looked up at her friend.

Alex tipped her head. "You called me, Casey. What happened?"

"Charlie and I got into a fight. We've never fought before." Casey sat up straight, her hands in her lap. She looked down at her knees, her fingers playing with a hole in her jean knee. "I don't know what to do with myself."

"Every relationship has its fights, Casey," Alex coached. Casey was not certain that it made her feel any better to know that. She knew it, but she had not known it. It was like knowing a region existed from a geography book, but to go there was completely different. She did not know how to explain it. Of course people fought, and it was not surprising to her that two very opinionated law students from opposite upbringings would butt heads. And, over things like religion, politics, and law, they had. But, those had not been fights. They had been debates, and they had been about as civil as two people could be while still disagreeing. What had happened that night was not a debate, and outside of her siblings, it was really the first non-argument argument she had experienced. She was still so naïve and so young. She simply failed to understand how she could have missed so much. "What was it about?"

Shaking her head, Casey sighed. She wiggled her fingers beneath Alex's hand until the blond let up just enough that she could flip her hand around, her fingers wrapping around Alex's wrist. "He's a good man."

"You're avoiding the question." Alex scooted closer to Casey, their hips touching. Something about her tone denoted suspicion, and Casey instantly felt guilty. She knew Alex did not like Charlie in totality, and though she did not understand why, she knew she was giving fuel to the fire of distrust. She did not mean to do that, did not want to do that. She held her breath for just a moment, wishing she could take it back, just tell Alex she were having a crisis of the soul as opposed to a fight with her boyfriend. She had not meant to caste such a good man in a bad light.

"Can you just sit with me?" Casey asked, exhaling slowly.

Nodding, Alex pulled Casey against her. In the eleven months they had known each other, it had become clear that Casey was fond of touch as a mechanism of comfort. When Alex and she had gone to the amusement park late June, Casey's fear of the roller coasters had been eased at the top of the ride by a squeeze from Alex beside her before both women screamed. It was equally as comforting to Alex. Casey had found Alex so angry she was trembling one afternoon after a game, Charlie no where in sight. It was part of how Casey had discovered Alex's distaste for the man, but she had ignored his absence for a few minutes, hugging her friend until Alex was no longer literally shaking in anger. Casey more than Alex sought out touch. It was not unusual for the red head to lay her head on Alex's shoulder or in her lap, less for Alex to comb through her hair with her fingers or twist strands of hair through her fingers. For the two of them, any kind of touch was so natural that Casey did not question it, even as she realized it felt somewhat strange, though never bad. "What's gotten you so frightened, Casey? This isn't like you." Casey lay back down, her head in Alex's lap, the blond raking her fingers through Casey's ruby red hair in that familiar gesture of comfort and protection. "Did he say something stupid again?"

Casey cringed. Alex made it sound like he said stupid things quite often. Really, it was her over reaction to his saying mundane things. Though, Alex had a bit of a point. She did not react that way when Alex said something or even when Andy said something, and he made far more sexual passes at her than anyone else – though Alex had cautioned that it was just his nature and to not take it personally. "No. He's really sweet to me, Alex. I know you don't really trust him, but he's been good so far."

"Then assuage my worries and tell me what happened." Naturally, Alex would approach it that way. It was logical and difficult to argue. She was asking Casey to prove that Charlie was being good. Casey had little choice then. She could not back out and say nothing happened. Alex already knew they had fought. She could lie about what they fought about, but Alex would know, and Casey did not feel right lying to her friend.

In the end, Casey sighed, reluctant to say much, so she offered something vague but something she believed to be true. "I got mad. He didn't deserve it."

"Why did you get mad?" Alex asked as Casey fell silent. Casey closed her eyes in a long, slow blink, opening them to the dark gray of Alex's, lit by the moonlight and a street lamp not so far from them. She felt as though she were being sucked in to the shadows around her eyes, that if she watched them forever, she could do it, could be safe forever. Of all the people in the world, Casey knew Alex would never turn her back, never let her come to harm if she had the power to prevent it. In some ways, it was kind of scary. In others, thrilling. Something trembled through Casey at an almost constant when it came to Alex, something she did not understand and could not approach, something that made her fall to tears more often than not because she had no name by which to call it. She knew, too, that if she told Alex about the sensation, she would be rebuked. Something was not right, and, yet, she could not help herself. Reaching up, Casey grazed her fingers over Alex's cheeks and lips. Alex caught Casey's hands and lowered them. "Casey, stop avoiding the question. Or, am I asking the wrong one? Why did you call me? You were almost in tears on the phone."

"I shouldn't have gotten mad at him. I feel badly."

"Tell me what it was about, Casey," Alex instructed, her voice stern and demanding, but not cruel. Casey had heard Alex say a lot of mean things, sometimes warranted, sometimes not. But, neither that tone nor those words had ever been directed at Casey.

Casey shook her head, cheeks pink with shame over how stupid and tiny she felt about the whole situation. She had not felt so small until Alex was there. Casey could not figure out whether or not it was the fact that she was sharing something so minimal with someone or if it were Alex specifically that brought about the feeling of overreacting. Alex was so strong, so something Casey was not. In most things, Casey felt as though she were inferior to the great and fiery Alexandra Cabot. A fair assessment or not, it was simply how she felt. "Talk about feeling like a little kid," she mumbled. "I picked a fight over his drinking."

"How often is he drinking?" Alex asked, brow furrowed.

"He wasn't until recently. And, it's not frequently, it's just that when he does-" She trailed off and picked at the grass over Alex's leg again, dropping the blades on the side of her knee. She fought to not cry knowing that if she were just a normal adult, this kind of thing would not have made her cry. It would never make anyone else she knew cry. She was just soft. She needed to grow a thicker skin. At least, that was her mental chant as she played with the green blades of grass whose life she had cut short in her frustration and self-anger.

"He doesn't act like himself," Alex finished, stroking Casey's cheek. While Charlie would not judge Casey when they talked, Alex was the least judgmental person Casey knew while still being, equally, the most judgmental person Casey knew. It was all very strange, as though one Alex spoke to Casey and comforted her, and another took on the world, her words as equal to the sword in a Roman soldier's hands. "I know. What happened?"

"He just arbitrarily yells. Not about anything in particular, though. He just rants, and he was ranting tonight. At first it was about how conservative I dress, but then he somehow got onto the subject of Big Brother and the government controlling our lives. We went out, and he only had a couple of beers, but it's like he can't handle his alcohol at all. I mean, I don't mind that he drinks, but I just hate that he gets into these rants. He doesn't usually pick at me or something I did. Usually, it's about some government issue, but there's no logical thought to his rants. They kind of frighten me. He kept it up the entire ride home and then he went through my house, pointing out all the things in the apartment the government uses to control me. I told him I couldn't listen to it any more. I said it sounded like he was talking crazy. Then, he just yelled at me. He told me I was a bitch and a half for calling him crazy. I told him not to call me names, and he just walked out, slamming the door."

Alex traced Casey's lower lip with her thumb. "Did he hurt you, Casey?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper in the night. The obvious concern made Casey's heart skip a beat. Her brothers and her father would kill for her, but they had never addressed her with the kind of concern Alex did. It was not to say that she did not believe they were concerned, but it was as though there were a different kind of bond involved between them, one Casey was only starting to see, would only see in flashes, the strangest of moments, moments when she could not and would not question them because she would forget a few moments later and brush it off as a figment of her imagination.

"No," Casey barked, sitting up rapidly. "God, no. Alex, he would never. He wouldn't." She pushed her hair behind her ears, coming up on her knees before Alex. "He would never hurt me, Alex. He wouldn't." But, she suddenly was not sure who she was trying to convince. Yet, she felt certain that as long as Charlie did not drink, he would not even yell at her, so when would he have the opportunity to lay a hand on her? That aside, he was just so gentle and kind, and the rants were a fluke, not a common occurrence.

"Okay, Casey. I just want to make sure. I'm sorry I upset you."

"You really think he would hurt me?"

"I hope never," Alex murmured. "But, I just want to be certain he doesn't, Casey."

Sighing, Casey shook her head. "I wish I could take back what I said. I shouldn't have called him crazy. That was cruel and unnecessary."

"He shouldn't have yelled or had alcohol. He knows he can't handle liquor. Look, Casey, I'm sorry he yelled. I am. You didn't deserve it. Are you okay with everything?"

Casey shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself. "I don't know. My father never yelled at my mother in front of us kids, even when she did something he didn't like. I don't know how to deal with it when Charlie does."

"Your father is a really good man, Casey. You deserve someone like that."

"Normally, Charlie is. I mean, he always is. It's just that one time. I just. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I'm sorry."

Alex shook her head, a soft smile crossing her features as she curled her fingers under Casey's chin. "Hey, hot shot, you can always call me. No matter what happens, you can call me, and I'll come over, come get you, whatever you need."

Nodding, Casey sat back, her knees to her chest. "So, what now? I mean, how do I tell him I'm sorry?"

"Just like that if that's what you really want to do."

"What do you think I should do? I could have avoided the whole thing just by keeping my mouth shut."

Alex shook her head. "No, Casey. If you don't like how you're being treated, never, ever keep your mouth shut about it. You have every right to tell whomever it is that you don't like the way they're treating you. It's okay to stand up for yourself."

"So, I don't apologize?"

"You do what you want. You're the one who has to be comfortable with it." Alex had a point that Casey could not argue with. Seldom did Alex have a point that Casey could argue with. It was as frustrating as it was insightful.

Casey nodded. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. When he's sober."

"How many times has he yelled at you?"

"Just the once."

"Uh huh," Alex responded, sounding nothing like she believed Casey at all. "How many times have you guys gone out drinking?"

Casey buried her face in her arms. "Don't do this, Alex. Don't ask questions."

"It's my job to ask questions, Casey, especially the painful ones. But, this time, I won't. Just promise you'll come to me if there's a next time." Casey nodded. Alex stood up, holding her hand out to Casey. "Come on, it's late. Let's get you back home." Casey took Alex's hand, the blond pulling her to her feet. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yea. I'll be just fine. And, Alex?"

"Huh, hot shot?"

"Thanks for coming to my rescue." Casey fit her hand comfortably in Alex's, holding her hand as they walked.

"Anytime, hot shot." Alex curled her fingers around Casey's. She brought the red head's hand to her lips, kissing her fingers lightly. "You're my best friend, Casey. But, you don't need rescuing. I am here, though, if you ever need to talk about anything."

"Such a chivalrous gentleman. Your father must be proud," Casey joked, though there was a level of seriousness to her tone. She meant it. Alex was more a gentleman than she was a lady, and it threw Casey off just a little every time.

Alex laughed. "I'm sure he is." She pulled Casey down the pathway in the dark, holding her by her hip. "You'll have to ask him yourself one of these days. I'm sure he would be glad to meet you. Also, I talked to my uncle about you, and he said the work you did at the DA's was great. You apparently have a very good reputation there. He said if you want, he wants to interview you as his legal intern next summer."

"What will you do, then?"

"Casey, I'll be done by next summer. You forget I'm a year ahead of you. Hopefully, I'll be working for the DA, starting small with DUIs and misdemeanors." Alex shrugged. "Or, maybe, I'll go to the PD, who knows? I'd prefer to go to prosecution immediately following graduation, but if it takes a year or two, I'll be okay with that."

Casey beamed. "Really? Your uncle would interview me? Do you know how amazing it would be to clerk for Judge Hermann?"

Alex laughed. "I told him you would be the second best lawyer I ever met."

"Oh?" Casey chimed, sly grin on her face. "Who's the first?"

If she had expected anything, Casey had expected Alex to answer with herself. The blond was quite cocky when it came to the law and her ability to understand it. Then again, Casey figured she had good reason. Not only did Alex have an answer for everything, she could justify everything she answered. It was kind of scary, yet fascinating at the same time. Even when what was in question was not the law. Alex was wise beyond her years. Either that, or Casey was immature. The red head could not quite tell which. Yet, Alex's answer to Casey's teasing question was a serious one, and it surprised Casey, though she knew it should never have surprised her. "Uncle Bill, of course."

"Of course. You really are something, Cabot."

Alex smiled, her thumb running over Casey's hip bone and hooking into the belt loop. "Only for you, Novak."

"Hey, Alex?" Casey chirped after a few minutes, the rise of Casey's apartment building just a few streets down from where their walk had turned from path to pavement. She slipped her hand over Alex's against her hip. Alex turned to her friend, humming under her breath the note that meant for Casey to continue. "How is it that you just accept whatever happens?"

Silence ruled as Alex slowed her step. "What do you mean, Casey?" she asked, halting, turning the red haired woman to face her. It was a truly unusual question, one Alex had not expected from the childlike woman. One, too, that the woman had not, herself, expected to ask. It seemed to imply that something was wrong with either Alex or Casey without ever actually saying as much. The question was almost insulting, frustrating, and it irked Casey that she had even thought it, though she could not quite say why it bothered her so much.

"I just mean that it seems like to me that stuff happens to you and you just move on. If it can't keep up with you, you leave it behind."

Alex frowned. "That's not true, Casey. I obsess. I change what I can, and what I can't, I can't."

"That's what I mean," Casey protested. "You just keep moving forward."

"It's a beautiful lie." Alex paused and stared at Casey. "Are you afraid for when I go back to New York, that I'll forget about you?"

Casey hung her head. "I'm a stupid fool."

"No, you're not. Who put that idea into your head?"

Shaking her head, Casey turned, her fingers just barely latched onto the tips of Alexandra's. "Where's your car?"

"I parked it at your building. I wasn't sure where I'd find you. The note on your door was helpful."

"I needed the air."

"Wanna go down to the stables tomorrow? I did promise I would teach you to ride this summer, and summer's over in a couple of weeks. We still haven't gotten around to it."

Casey sighed. "Charlie does take up a lot of time."

"You're smitten, Casey. It's okay to spend time with him. Just don't let him take you away from me."

"Never." Her head dropped to the side, and she mumbled something.

Alex only caught part of it, and her brow furrowed because what she caught made no sense. "What?"

"Nothing," Casey stammered, looking back to Alex, her face flush with heat. "Why? What do you think you heard?"

"Guilty conscience?" Alex asked. Casey shrugged. "Something about a first."

Casey shrugged again, turning deeper red. "Just that you introduced me to my first boyfriend, my first shot at the real world. I was like a little kid when we met, Alex. I've grown up a lot. Thank you."

"That shouldn't make you blush like that."

"I'm Catholic, Alex. Everything makes me blush."

"It's part of your charm, Casey."


	10. Chapter 10

**(10)**

After leaving Casey with the promise to pick her up at nine the following morning, Alex drove to the only other place she could think of besides her apartment. She was pissed, more so at herself than anything, and that reflected in her grip on the steering wheel as she drove. White knuckles and crying, Alex tore herself mentally for not telling Casey about Charlie's mental illness earlier. Still, the man was a decent guy when his medications were working, and evidently, they weren't at that moment. It seemed unlike him to call Casey names, and Alex intended to nip that in the bud.

"Andy, open the freakin' door, it's Alex," she snapped, knocking on Andy's apartment door just a few blocks from where she was living. If he let her keep it up too long, she knew the neighbors would start looking, and being that they were in Cambridge, Massachusetts, someone would call the police.

The door opened, and Andy popped his head out looking tired and sleep deprived, though he was still fully dressed which meant he was planning on staying up late even though he had probably been up late the night before and awoken in typical Andy fashion, at the crack of dawn. "Shut up, will ya? Fucking wake the dead with your yelling. What's wrong?"

"Is Charlie there?"

"No. Especially not with that tone of voice," Andy chided, closing the door and reopening it again, this time with the chain unlocked. Still, he did not make it obvious that he would invite her in. Instead, he leaned on the door frame looking like a great, lazy lion. "What the Hell has you so riled up anyway?"

Alex folded her arms across her chest, glaring at Andy in that frightening manner she had when she was well and truly angry. Andy cringed. From their time spent together, he was well aware what the look meant, and knew better than to try and cross her while she was wearing it. "Charlie called Casey a bitch and a half, this after he ripped into her about how she dresses."

"That doesn't sound like Charlie at all, Al, and I've known him for a long time."

"Yea, well, that doesn't give him an excuse, and Casey wouldn't lie about that. She's confused and scared. She thinks she did something to deserve it."

Andy shrugged. "Well, did she?"

Alex looked at Andy as if he had just sprouted a third eye. "How dare you?" she barked. "If it were me, sure. I provoke shit, but that woman has no idea how to provoke anything. Charlie mixed his meds with alcohol and went off on a rant at Casey. All she did was ask him to stop."

"That's not what I heard. She called him crazy."

"She said he was talking about government conspiracies, Andy. That's not Charlie sane and on meds, and you know it. Is he off them?"

Andy sighed, opening the door and pulling Alex inside. "We can have this yelling match inside where my neighbors are less likely to call the cops. Can you call Casey so I can ask her what he said or did?"

"No. She's not going to make a big deal out of this. She doesn't know he's schizophrenic. He hasn't told her."

"I'm surprised you haven't."

Alex glared at Andy. "I will, don't think I won't. If I hear about something like this again, I'll tell her. She needs to know so she can at least try to protect herself. She may love him, but that won't save her if he decides to go off meds."

"Schizophrenics are not usually violent."

"I know that, and I don't think he'll hurt her. I truly think he loves her, but if the voices in his head tell him she's a government agent and the only way to stop her from telling the government the secrets in his head is to beat her, do you really think he won't?"

Andy shook his head. "The psych masters talked with him when he entered the study for the meds he's on, Ali. They said he wasn't violent."

"And, the voices, what? Don't ever change? Because if you believe that, you're an idiot. My brother tried to smother me with a pillow, Andy, two Christmases ago because the voices in his fucking head told him that I had done something worth dying over. To this day, I don't know what my crime was, but it doesn't matter. Fourteen years of peaceful voices all changed in one night. He put me in the fucking hospital for Christ's sake, Andy. I nearly died." She was yelling, and she really didn't care who heard her. The last thing she ever wanted to do was to attend Casey Novak's funeral or be at her bedside in the ICU because of something Charlie did. She was angry, but she was scared.

Andy rounded on Alex. "Just because that's your experience with schizoid disorders does not mean that it will be Charlie's." He sounded horrified that she would categorize all mental illness into one bad experience, but she was not categorizing. She was acting on fear, and fear that she would truly lose her best friend, fear that she would hurt when Alex could have prevented it.

"I just want to prevent that from being Casey's experience. Get the university to raise Charlie's dosage. Or, at least, genuinely have the shrinks talk to him and see if he's not taking them again. Or if they're just not working. This study might not be the right one for him." Alex sighed, sinking onto the ottoman at the end of Andy's couch. "Look, Andy, I want him to be safe and happy and succeed, but I want her to be safer and happier than that. She's my best friend. I'll do anything to protect her."

Shaking his head, Andy sat down beside Alex, his arm over her shoulder. "I understand, Ali-bear, I really do. Casey's more than your friend, and you're a good woman for letting her go."

"If I can't be with her, Andy, then I want her to be happy and safe with whomever she is with. I just don't see that happening if Charlie keeps this up."

"Tell me about the drinking."

Alex shrugged. "Casey didn't say much. I tried asking, but she kept diverting. I was afraid if I pushed too hard, she would shut down on me. She swears that this was the only time, but some of the other things she said makes me think it's far from the first time something like this has happened. If he needs more help, Andy, I want him to get it. Not just for Casey's sake, but for his as well."

"I don't know how well I can do without evidence. Casey's eye witness accounts to his behavior on the meds would really help."

Alex shook her head. "She blames herself for what he said to her. She doesn't know about the illness. I think he needs to tell her, yes, but I can't make him do that. I can make sure she's safe, though. If I have to tell her to protect her, Andy, I will. But, if I have to tell her, she's going to lose faith in not only me for keeping the secret but Charlie. He's going to lose her."

"You said yourself, you will, too."

Nodding, Alex sighed. "I'm willing to if it makes her safe and happy in the long run."

"God, Cabot, you've got it bad."

"Tell me about it."

Standing, Andy moved to the couch proper, digging his cell phone from his pocket. "I'll talk to Charlie about revisiting the program psychologists. It's just a university study, though, Alex."

"He was together enough to take and pass the LSATs and get into Harvard. What was he taking then?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

Alex sighed, leaning back. "I know, Andy. But, promise me you'll protect them both. Her from him and him from himself. I'm worried."

"You're just being overprotective. He won't hurt her. Even if he went off his meds, Alex, he wouldn't. He's paranoid, but he's gentle." Alex just shook her head. Andy reached out and placed his hand over hers. "Hey, calm down. You want something to calm your nerves and relax you?"

"In what form?" Alex asked, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Andy laughed. "You paranoid, too, Ali? Because, I have a pill for that."

"Shut up," Alex said, but a smile broke out on her face as she reached over to the couch and grabbed a cushion, throwing it at Andy as he retreated to the kitchen. It hit him square in the back, and Alex lounged back, an innocent look on her visage that only made her appear ever more guilty.

Tossing the pillow back at the blond, Andy shook his head. "I can't believe you threw a pillow at me."

"Your evidence is purely circumstantial," Alex quipped. "You have no eye witness accounts and nothing to back it up that provides a solid foundation of proof."

"You think?" Alex nodded. "Ali, even I can make a case to a jury on that one, and I'm not even a lawyer."

"No, just a doctor in training."

"Well, lawyer in training, this doctor in training is going to take a shot of the best in ancient medicine available by modern means. Want one?"

"Whiskey?" Alex asked, her head popping up with interest. She was not a big drinker or a big party person despite what he inhibitions had indicated on New Years Eve. But, that had been a somewhat special day, and such things called for a mild change in character. At any rate, it was the nineties. It was the flavor of the decade, to change oneself on a whim.

"You got it."

Alex lay back on the couch, cushion curled to her chest as she tried not to think too hard about it. "On second thought," she called, stifling a yawn. "I have to get home. Now that the anger's gone, so is the energy. And, I have plans tomorrow morning."

"With Casey?"

"Yep." Alex swung her legs off the couch and stood up, stretching before placing the cushion back at the corner. "Thanks for listening to me and trying to help, Andy. You have no idea how much it means to me."

"You bet, Ali." Alex wrapped her arms around Andy, kissing his cheek. He caught her hands and turned her to face him, kissing her lightly over her lips. At first, she hesitated. It was not as though they had not ever kissed before. Alex had kissed him even after they had broken up. She had knocked on his door at two o'clock in the morning and had the kind of meaningless sex with him that a body needs as opposed to a heart. So, she hesitated. But, she kissed him back, her mouth opening to his. He pulled her to him, his fingers entangling in her hair.

Feeling his hand slide down her stomach, Alex clasped her hands over his, preventing him from moving any further. She pulled away, looking down, her hands racing through her hair. "God, I can't. I'm sorry, Andy."

"You're gone for good with her, aren't you?" he asked, referencing Casey.

Alex shook her head. "It's not totally that. It's just -" Alex flushed and looked away. "I can't help it. I just want more of that."

"You're still on about New Years?"

Alex shrugged, staring at the wall. "I can't help it. I've never experienced something like that. And, it was probably the buzz and the music and the atmosphere that did it, but I just-"

"It's cool. We broke up, Alex. I don't expect anything from you. It's a nice bonus when you come over, but I don't expect it." Andy shrugged, playing with Alex's hair. "You deserve someone good and kind, too, Alex. It's not just Casey that deserves it. Why don't you start dating again? You know Monica really likes you. And, Justin still does not understand why you broke up with him." Andy sighed, shaking his head. "You know what, fuck Justin. I know why you broke up with him. But, assholes like him should not stop you from dating. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone who makes you happy, too."

Sighing, Alex lay her head against Andy's chest. "That's why I like you, Andy. Thanks for the support." Andy stroked Alex's hair and back, his hand resting on her shoulder as he gave her a half hug. "If I could, Andy, I would."

"We'd both be lying, Alex. You've gone completely over to the dark side. But, it's okay. There's a reason I like women, and I can hardly fault you for enjoying something I enjoy, too." Andy smirked, and Alex playfully smacked his chest. "Hey. Okay, okay. But, Casey is a beautiful woman to admire."

"From a distance," Alex warned, her eyes narrowed.

"Hey, I'm not batting against Charlie for her, and least of all will I get between you and your view."

Alex smacked him again, this time a little harder. "She's no one's property. Casey can do as she pleases. And, if we can stop picking on Alex's lesbian tendencies, please, I would very much appreciate it."

"Um, based on your tongue in my mouth, I would say they're not quite lesbian tendencies. Maybe bi with a little leaning where Casey's concerned." Alex gave him an annoyed look. "Okay, maybe a lot of a leaning where Casey's concerned. Is it such a bad thing?"

"Not if feelings are reciprocated. It's a tough time knowing there's no way that would ever happen."

"You'll find someone, Alex. Who knows, you're probably just into her because you can protect her."

"Shut up"

"No, I mean it. You like to protect the little guy. Well, she's about as underdog as they come being that she was kind of raised under a rock. I can totally see why you like her so much."

"Fuck off, Andy. Seriously."

Andy held up his hands. "Okay. I'm just saying, you might lose your appetites when she's okay on her own. It wouldn't surprise me."

Curling her hands over her arms, Alex shrugged. "I don't know why I'm drawn to her in the first place. Maybe it is just a white knight syndrome, but can't you at least let me have a fantasy in my head that it's more."

"You can have whatever fantasy you want, Ali. I'm enough of a perv to support it."

"Yea. You are. Asshole." Alex sighed, smiling. At least Andy always knew how to make her smile. "I'm going to get going before you decide my love life for me and leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. I'll talk to you later. Tell me how it goes with Charlie. I really do want him healthy so that he can be the best person he can be."

"Sometimes, that doesn't involve meds, Alex."

"For him, I think it does. Good night, Andy." Alex shook her head and let herself out of Andy's apartment, pulling the door shut behind her. Quietly, she padded over to her car, exhaustion taking hold of her limbs, leaving them heavy as she walked. The drive home would be an interesting one. Not only would she have to fight to stay awake but to stay on the road. She had no idea she was so tired before she had arrived at Andy's apartment. She had been too angry to be tired. And, in some ways, she still was. She was still mad at Charlie, but she couldn't take that out on Andy. It was not his fault. He had merely introduced his friend to the university's research project. Charlie had chosen to submit himself as a lab rat, but on the bright side, it might have been giving him the treatment he needed to get through law school and participate in the real world instead of the world inside of his head.

For a few minutes, Alex sat in her car, arms wrapped about herself, remembering the night when her brother Adam tried to suffocate her. He had been yelling that she was a perverted witch even as she clawed at his wrists to get him to let go. In the end, it had been her father who had finally managed to pry him off her, but she had not known. She had already lost consciousness, her breathing shallow. All she had remembered was waking up in the hospital a few hours later in a panic because her last recollection was of being attacked. By then, Adam was in the hospital as well, locked in a room in the psychiatric ward as they attempted to determine if his schizophrenic disorder made him attack her or if he really had just snapped and tried to murder his sister.

Alex remembered begging the ADA not to file charges saying that her brother needed help more than he needed punishment. She had gotten her wish in a round about way. The ADA had filed charges but offered a plea on assault to a psychiatric facility of her family's choosing. Alex's father had sent Adam to San Diego, California where they all hoped the different environment would help him as well. Alex had only seen him once since then, and he had truly been doing better, had apologized to her and asked her forgiveness which she had granted. It had not been him that attacked her, she thought. It had been the disease. But, she did not want Charlie's disease to make a victim of Casey.

That was something she simply could not tolerate.

Starting up the vehicle, Alex drove back to her apartment in silence. Even the radio was turned off, but Alex was too lost in her own thoughts to notice the silence. Inside, her head was buzzing with her thoughts and fears and hopes and wishes, and the one woman at the center of it all was the last person Alex would have thought she would have fallen for, let alone fallen so hard for.

That night, she lay awake on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She thought about law school, about the fact that she would be beginning her third and final year at Harvard just a few weeks from then. She thought about her job after law school and what it would mean for her life. She thought about what she wanted of her life once she returned to New York. Parts of her wondered if her life would be different because she was an attorney, but she sincerely doubted that it would be. She had always been the politician at heart, and she wanted to continue along that route. At least she had a good legal education background to prove that politics was a good path for her. At least, that was what it seemed like was necessary to work in politics. Maybe it was just because lawyers could lie better.

She thought about what Casey had said earlier that evening, about her leaving and forgetting about her red haired friend. Alex would never do such a thing. She intended entirely to keep in touch. There was email and phone calls, and on long weekends, she was sure she could talk Casey into doing something. Or, over the summer, Alex figured she could drive or fly in and stay a weekend and watch Casey play soft ball. Yea, Casey had Charlie to be with her, but Alex would not abandon her over that. She was just fearful that Casey would abandon her over Charlie. Maybe at the beginning of their friendship, Alex would not have given second thought to Casey pushing aside her friends over a man, but Alex had seen far more worldly people than Casey give up everything for a partner. And, Alex was afraid Charlie would bottle Casey from the world. Perhaps it was that which caused Alex the most jealousy in regards to the brunette male law student. Alex would never want to isolate Casey, but if he wielded his power in such a manner, Charlie could – anyone, for that matter, it was Casey – isolate Casey very easily from others.

That thought, the thought that Casey was easy pickings for anyone had occurred to Alex in the past and with good reason. Even that night, Casey had taken the blame for the fight, not holding Charlie at all at fault even though he was mostly to blame. It was easier for Casey to cope if things could be so easily resolved. It was also what she had been taught to do. Even if it weren't Charlie, but the next man, and the man after that, Alex thought that Casey would be forever prey to a predatory partner. Casey swore nothing bad had happened to her, but Alex did not know. Something had to have made her so vulnerable. Andy was right about one thing, though, Alex did want to protect her for it.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I'm a sucker for Casey unknowingly flirting back. Sappy little chapter. I got side tracked. Actually, I just needed the sappy. Hope you enjoy the chapter and all its little, um, innuendos. **

**(11)**

"Put your foot in the stirrup and just hoist yourself up over the horse. Try not to kick him going over. If you do, it's okay, just try not to," Alex coached, taking the reins and holding the horse steady with one hand, the stirrup in the other so it didn't move on Casey. They had spent the first ten minutes just walking the horse around the outdoor arena, him getting accustomed to Casey's scent, Casey calming down once she realized how big horses were when they were up close and not on television.

Casey's hand snaked up over the horn of the saddle just like Alex had shown her. "You sure? I mean, he's not going to be mad at me, is he?"

Alex smiled. "Come off it, Casey. Take a deep breath, put your foot in the stirrup and trust him like you trust me." Nodding, Casey did as she was told, her foot sliding along the horse's back as she tried to adjust herself in the saddle. "You got it," Alex encouraged, ducking under the horse's neck and grabbing Casey's wrist on the other side of the saddle.

"I can't do this, Alex," Casey said, her voice soft.

"You're doing it, Casey. You'll be fine. No one's perfect their first mount. Now, let me adjust the stirrups." Alex set about fixing the leather straps so they were the appropriate length for Casey's legs before tucking Casey's boot into the stirrups. "You did really well. Tsunami barely moved. He trusts you. All you have to do is show him a little faith back. Why don't you pet his neck and talk to him."

Tentatively, Casey stroked the horse's mane and neck. "What do I say to him?"

"Whatever you want."

Casey squared her shoulders a little and leaned forward, still stroking his neck. "Hey handsome boy. Thanks for letting me ride you. It's my first time, so I'm sorry if I mess up. Alex is an old hat at this, though. She'll make sure I don't do anything too stupid. Sorry I had such a difficult time getting in the saddle. I'll work on getting better so you don't have to put up with this for too long. Would you be okay if I came out and rode with Alex?"

The horse snorted, and Casey laughed. "Well, fine, then."

Alex smiled, watching Casey on Tsunami, his tail flicking and swatting at flies, catching Casey's jean clad leg every once in a while. "Wanna take a walk? Just hold on to the horn, and we'll take it slow." Alex took the reins again, clicking her tongue against her teeth, and the horse moved forward at a slow and easy pace. "Is it as scary as you thought?"

"No. It's strange being up so high, though. Definitely not like a car or a bike."

"You're such a kid sometimes, Casey."

"I'm killer when I argue, though."

"I'll give you that. You know what your talking about. How are you feeling otherwise?"

Casey sighed. "You mean Charlie?"

"Yea."

"I talked to him this morning. He apologized and said he would stop drinking if that would make me feel better. I said it would. So, he's going to take me out Wednesday night to make up for this weekend."

Alex pressed her hand to Casey's leg, squeezing her calf briefly. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yes. I think so. I mean, he sounded so upset that he had upset me. That's gotta count for something, right?"

"I'm sure it does," Alex said, rubbing Casey's leg. "I just want to make sure you're safe and happy."

"I am." Casey sighed, one hand sliding from the saddle horn to cover Alex's hand. "And, I'm grateful to you for being there for me."

"Hey, it's what I do. Grab the reins." Alex passed the leather strips up to Casey who took them, bunched in one hand, Alex manipulating her fingers around the leather. "Now, he'll go wherever you tell him to with how you pull on the reins, but also how you move your weight in the saddle. Click and lean forward if you want him to go faster, pull backwards on the reins and lean back a little to stop him. He's trained so that you shouldn't need to kick him to go faster, but I don't suggest going faster until you're more comfortable in the seat."

Casey nodded. Alex continued to walk along side Tsunami who went at her pace. "This isn't so horrible," Casey murmured. "I mean, I'm sure I'll never have the grace you do, but it's not so scary."

"Do you trust me?" Alex asked.

Casey nodded once more. "Of course I do."

"Hold on to the reins tight and take your feet out of the stirrups." Casey did as instructed, looking at Alex strangely. Alex took hold of the saddle's horn and clicked her tongue, moving to a jog with the horse. He followed her lead, and mid-step in her jog, Alex pulled herself up onto the saddle, her leg swinging easily over Tsunami's back. Settled behind Casey, Alex took control of the reins, pulling the horse to a slow walk, the red head cringing against her.

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die," Casey mewled, her knuckles white on Alex's wrists.

Laughing, Alex adjusted her grip on the reins and her position with Casey until the other woman felt comfortable in front of her. She still kept her free hand around Casey's waist as the pale woman calmed herself down and opened her eyes again. "We'll be just fine, hot shot. Hold on to the horn if you need something to hang on to."

With one hand, Casey clung to the horn, the other still clinging to Alex's wrist, reluctant to let go. Alex twisted and shimmied her arm until Casey's had was in hers. "It'll be easier on my circulation if you death grip my fingers as opposed to my whole hand."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," Casey murmured, her tone sheepish and embarrassed.

"I don't mind. Take a few deep breaths."

Inhaling and exhaling slowly, Casey cleared her head. "How did you learn to do that?"

"Breathing comes naturally." Casey gave Alex an exasperated look from the corner of her eye. "Oh, that. Practice," Alex answered. "Wanna go down the trail?"

"Are you sure that's alright?"

"Yep." Alex guided the horse over to the gate, stopping him along side it and leaning over to undo the dummy lock. The chain slid away with ease and Alex kicked the gate open, guiding Tsunami out into the open. Casey sat up straighter as they walked past the barn at an easy pace. "Relax, hot shot. I won't let you get hurt on this little outing."

"That's not what I'm worried about," Casey murmured.

"Then what?" Alex asked, guiding the horse past a large bunch of brush and down the head of the trail. Hoof prints were embedded in the earth around them from riders before who had gone out while the ground was still soggy from rain or snow.

Casey shook her head. "Nothing. Never mind."

"No, seriously, Casey, what is it? You get tense at the weirdest moments."

Shrugging, the red head leaned back into Alex, playing with the blond's fingers. "I guess I'm just not used to someone just taking care of me."

Alex smiled. "Well, get used to it. You only have a few more months to enjoy the attentions from two people before I go back to the city and you're stuck out here with your man." Alex emphasized the last two words with a playful accent as tiny head bob that was reminiscent of a Maury episode.

Casey laughed, twisting her fingers with Alex's. "I'm going to miss you, Alex. I know it'll be nine months before you leave, but I'm really going to miss you."

"Then, we'll just have to take advantage of those nine months, Casey. I'll still be a phone call away. I'll never be more than a phone call away from you." Alex released Casey's stomach and hand to stroke her face with the backs of her fingers. "I promise, I'll even answer the phone at two in the morning if that's when you need to talk or want someone to discuss classes and studying with."

"You know, since I moved out here, I've only called my parents once a week to say hi, and our conversations haven't lasted more than fifteen minutes?"

Alex rested her hand on Casey's collar bone, curled lightly against her skin. "Oh? Did you expect something different."

"If it weren't for you, Ali, I think I would have called a lot more. Or just not survived. I had no idea how much I was missing from just the basics. I don't think I would have survived without you."

"You would have survived just fine, hot shot. You're just the kind of person who will make it through no matter what. I have utter faith in you." Tugging at the reins, Alex turned Tsunami off the trail and through the tall grass towards some trees.

Casey half twisted and looked at the woman behind her. "Where are you going?"

"Someplace I think you'll enjoy. Watch for low hanging branches." Casey nodded and looked forward once again. "Can you swim?"

"Yea, but, Alex, I don't have a swim suit."

"Swim suit, bra and underwear – there isn't much difference. You wore a sports bra today anyway, and I know you don't buy thongs." Alex smirked.

Casey flushed so red even the back of her neck turned bright red, and Alex laughed. "They are not."

"They cover the same things," Alex protested. "Besides, we're both women, and it's a secluded area. Just don't strip naked, and you won't be breaking any laws."

"How do you survive with such an utter disregard for manners?"

Over that question, Alex tossed her head back and truly laughed. She laughed like she had not laughed in ages. She was laughing so hard that she had to stop Tsunami in order for them to not gall off or for her to not mislead him. "Manners are for ladies, Casey, and I'm definitely not one of those."

Casey frowned, clearly missing something. As to what it was, she could not even hazard to guess, though it made an interesting mental game to play in her head. In reality, though, she had no idea what Alex was talking about. As far as Casey was concerned, Alex was as much a lady as she could be a gentleman most days. When she had called Alex a gentleman the night before, she had not been merely playing around. Alexandra's chivalry rivaled that of her father and brothers some days. It had really amused her mother when Casey had voiced that thought aloud to her parents one week. Casey's father had merely cautioned Casey not to put too much trust in anyone, but then, he was like that. She could explain him even less than she could Alex. Which might be why she got on so well with Alex. Or, at least, part of the reason. She and her father were close, and in so many ways, Alex was like him. In so many ways, she was not, but she was in the ways that counted.

They rode through the trees, their world lit by a green light, the sun shimmering through the leaves not quite thick enough to darken the area, but still too think to not hinder the light somewhat. Casey noticed that the light around them seemed to grow more yellow until the color faded from the light all together leaving them in a smallish clearing cut by a stream, a small pond bulging from the waters, still in the middle and alive with movement around the grassy border.

"Oh, wow," Casey breathed. "How the heck did you find this place? You're full of wonder and surprise, aren't you?"

Alex laughed, halting Tsunami and dismounting with ease. "Give me your hand and dismount the opposite way you got up." Casey slid off the horse and into Alex's arms, the blond hugging her lightly before relinquishing her. "Good job. You think we'll be okay to stay a little while?"

"Um, yea. This place is gorgeous. And so peaceful."

Nodding, Alex removed the bridle from the horse. She looked around her for a low hanging branch as their noble steed began to munch on the green, well watered grasses. Alex took off his saddle with a practiced ease that seemed to come naturally to her as Casey stood and watched in silence, the same way she had watched her prepare Tsunami for their ride. The blanket was left slung across the horse's back, and Alex dug a lead rope from the saddle bag that had fallen to the ground. "He'll stick around while we swim, but just in case," Alex murmured, looping the lead rope around the horse's neck and clipping it loosely to one of the dangling stirrups.

"He could still take off, just drag the saddle behind him," Casey pointed out with a frown.

Alex smiled. "Sometimes that which binds us is merely our perception. He won't go farther than the rope will allow without resistance. You could even let the lead rope drag on the ground and he wouldn't wander that far."

Casey shook her head. "That seems silly."

"Yet, we're guilty of the same." Alex bent to untie her boots, kicking them off in the grass by the tree. Her shirt was quick to follow, and, sheepish, Casey turned and looked the opposite way. "Casey, we're girls. You don't have anything I don't."

Alex had a point, but Casey was still reluctant to turn around or to remove her own clothes. "Can't I just swim in what I"m wearing?" she murmured, biting her lip.

"If you want. It's just going to take longer for you to dry out. It's whatever makes you comfortable, hot shot." Alex pushed her jeans over her hips and stepped out of them leaving her in little more than a dark blue sports bra and dark blue boy shorts.

"No fair, you knew we would be swimming."

Alex laughed. "No. My undergarments just always match."

Casey sighed and pulled her own shirt off, wrapping her arms around her body. "I don't know. I feel awkward."

"You're not awkward. You're among friends." Alex tossed her socks on top of her shoes and grabbed for Casey's hand, tugging her to the water. "Summer's going to be over all too soon, Casey. Let's enjoy it while we can. Next summer, we'll both be too busy for this."

"Okay, okay. Fine. You win." Casey pushed her own pair off blue jeans off and stepped out of them, kicking her shoes and socks on top of them. Unlike Alex, she did not match with a pair of dark pink undies and a neon blue sports bra. She flushed once more so hard that her stomach and chest turned bright pink as Alex's eyes traveled up her body with appreciation. "There, I'm naked. This so does not feel the same as a swim suit."

"Trust me, it is." Alex pulled Casey down to the water at a run. At the last moment, she stopped short and grabbed Casey, scooping her up in her arms and tossing her out into the pond. Casey screamed, though the scream was cut short as her head disappeared under the water. Laughing, Alex ran and jumped in, diving through the water to Casey.

Casey surfaced before Alex did, and a pair of cold arms wrapped around her waist from beneath the water. She had just enough time to suck in a deep breath of air before she was dragged under again Using her hands, she felt her way along Alex's body and down her arms to her fingers so she could pry the woman from her and swim to the surface. "Alex," Casey whined as she inhaled once more.

Alex's eyes peeked up at Casey just over the surface of the water, her blond hair sticking to her face and head, that which was in the water floating serenely around her. It was just her eyes above the water, and Casey regarded her friend with suspicion for a few moments before Alex fully surface, treading water, grin across her features. "Yes?"

Casey tried to pout, but it did not work for very long. She eventually broke into a grin and just shook her head. "You surprise me."

"Good. I'm glad. I hope to never be so well known to those around me that I cannot surprise them." Alex smirked, splashing Casey lightly.

Yelping, Casey splashed Alex back, paddling at the surface of the water rapidly, her eyes squeezed shut, face turned away from the splashing such that she did not see that Alex had ducked back under the water. In fact, she did not notice until Alex's hands wrapped around her ankles, pulling her under. Beneath the cool water, she felt hands move up her legs and her arms, keeping her just beneath the surface, though not forcefully. If Casey wanted to move, she could have, and she knew as much. She knew Alex would not take play too far. She trusted her. And, so, with closed eyes, she let fingers, already cool from the touch of the water, explore her face delicately, trace her ears and her jaw line; touch her lips, nose, and closed lids; and brush over her forehead as though the woman behind the hands were blind and this were how she would 'see' Casey.

In turn, though, Casey reached out until she found Alex's hips, her hands running over her flat, firm expanse of her stomach, her middle finger tracing the blond's navel. Casey's hands found Alex's arms, and she traced her way up to Alex's neck and chin. Bubbles tickled at her fingers as Alex exhaled slowly when Casey touched her lips. The red head danced her fingers over Alex's cheeks, past her ears, and through her hair, feeling the soft touch against her fingertips. Her heart pounded in her chest not only from the lack of oxygen making it work harder, faster, but from the sensation that this moment between them was a private one, one that would not be discussed. The secrecy of being allowed to touch someone else without the benefit of sight, to learn Alex's features in so intimate a manner was somewhat thrilling. And, she felt so very safe there. It brought her back to her childhood in a way: the most similar memory Casey held was being held by her mother as she was drifting off to sleep, tracing her mother's lips with her fingers. In that way, it was safe. In so many more ways, it was something else entirely.

Finally, too out of air to stay under, Casey kicked to the surface, Alex close behind her. Casey gasped in a gulp of fresh air, her lungs almost burning in appreciation, and when she had settled enough to talk, she looked to Alex. The woman before her was treading water just as she was, though her blond hair was stuck around her face. Casey couldn't help but smile. "Friends don't do that," Casey whispered, realizing that talking would simply be too loud. In a way, it seemed to be a question, but it was, more than anything, a statement.

Alex smiled like she had just swallowed a secret, pressing her index finger to her lips in a hush motion. Sucking her lower lip into her mouth, Casey nodded. "Do you trust me?" Alex asked. Again, Casey nodded. "Okay. I won't hurt you, Casey."

"I know," Casey murmured. "That just felt a lot more intimate than something normally done between friends, but I have to take your lead on that."

Alex shook her head. "You're right, Casey, but don't be offended."

"I'm not." Casey ducked under the water again, pushing her hair back so that when she came up again, it did not stick to her face. When she came up, Alex was on her back, kicking the water lightly, drifting towards the nearby stream. Curious, Casey followed, standing when she could touch the ground beneath the water, her feet sliding on the rock and sand. Alex stood as well, walking straight through the delta and into the stream itself, reaching behind her to take Casey's hand.

Half naked and dripping wet, both women wandered up stream, holding each other's hands so as not to slip and fall, which Casey seemed in greater danger of doing than Alex. "Where are we going?" Casey asked.

"I don't know. Did I need a plan?" Alex asked, turning to face Casey only briefly before going on ahead to where the stream disappeared into the woods, plowing a path between two sturdy looking, well fed trees.

Casey smiled and shook her head. "No. Not you."

"Okay, then. Let's just keep going for a few minutes and see if this goes anywhere interesting."

"You mean you've never done this."

Alex shook her head. "I've followed the stream downstream, but never up. It might be worthwhile, though, to try something new."

Shrugging, Casey tightened her grip on Alex's hand. "Not too far, I'm starting to get cold."

"I can tell," Alex mused, glancing back at Casey again with a canary eating grin, her eyes flicking only briefly to Casey's sports bra clad chest.

Casey moaned and covered her chest with her free arm. "Al-Lex," she whined, flushing the deepest crimson possible.

Alex shook her head. "You can't be that modest, Casey. You went completely without a bra on New Years."

"That was different," Casey argued. "The halter top sort of had a built in bra." The look on Alex's face was priceless. "What? Oh, God, you could see them through that, too?" It should not have been possible, but Casey went even darker red, the blush creeping down her neck and across her chest.

Alex snickered. "Only from the right angle." At the horrified look on Casey's face, Alex walked back over to her friend and wrapped her in a hug. "Oh, Casey. It's okay. No one was complaining. You looked fine."

Wiggling out of Alex's arms, Casey turned back around. "I'm going back to where there's sun and warmth and I'm not cold," she mumbled. Alex just laughed, following along, splashing the water with her feet each time she moved. "It's embarrassing, Alex. I don't how you don't care."

"It's not embarrassing, Casey. It's your body reacting to a change in temperature. I don't see what the big deal is."

Casey shook her head. "Try being raised in the Novak house hold. My older sister and I are such disappointments to ladies everywhere according to my mother. She's praying Kennedy doesn't catch whatever fever Steph and I have."

Alex twirled in the water, dancing around Casey. "Your mom is very traditional, isn't she?"

"Dear Lord, yes. She can't figure out why I want a career first and only consider it an option to get married and have tons of children. It's like I'm dishonoring the population or something by not having had at least two children already."

"Why so many children?"

Casey shrugged. "I imagine children, plural, are the consequence of not ever using protection during-" Casey cut herself short, flushing deep. "Alex."

"Say it," Alex goaded. "Say the 's' word."

For a moment, Casey looked like she wanted to cry. Instead, she just hung her head and very quietly whispered, "Sex."

"How are you going to prosecute, Casey? I mean, what if you get a sexual assault case? What are you going to ask the defendant? Did you put your thingy in her hoo-ha and forcibly make love to her?"

"No," Casey flushed, wrapping her arms around herself. "I'm just going to pray to God I never have to prosecute a rapist."

Alex shook her head, laughing. "Repeat after me, hot shot. Penis, vagina, dildo, oral, sex, fuck."

"No," Casey mumbled. "You make me feel like I'm ten years old."

"That's my job as best friend. I'm supposed to burst your little bubble, Casey. You cannot possibly go on living with such depravity in your life."

"I'm depraved because I don't go around asking people to fuck me?" Casey asked. Then, surprised, she covered her mouth with her hands.

"I didn't say you have to ask them to fuck you," Alex said, snickering as she spoke. "Just start getting accustomed to the words. They are a part of every day language."

"For whom?"

"Okay, most people don't go around talking about penises, but fuck is a commonly used word."

Casey curled into a ball, hugging herself around the legs. "I don't think I can do that," she mumbled. "It's not how I think, Alex."

"How do you want to think?" the blond countered.

From under semi-dried hair, with cheeks burned so bright red it was almost funny, Casey looked up at Alex, what was left of her innocence shining brightly through, the light in the trees catching her eyes just right. For a moment, she looked so childlike, but so very far from it all at the same time. It was a look that said everything and nothing, that was clean and clear and easy to read, but in a language Alex could not decipher. "I'd like to know what I'm thinking."

"If you don't know what it is," Alex observed, "It's probably not a thought."

"Well, then, what is it?"

"A feeling."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thanks, as always, for the warm reviews. I'm glad you are all enjoying the story. Casey's a little spacey in this one, and I feel like Charlie gets to start acting a little... um... like the Charlie we all want Casey to leave. Steple, this is your concept, let me know how you think this is going. :) Everyone else, enjoy. DMAA**

**(12)**

Picking up a slice of pepperoni pizza, Casey groaned. "Charlie, I'm so done with this class," she bemoaned to her boyfriend of eleven months. They had the same ethics professor, though were in two different units of her class, and that put them with the same weekly reading assignments and essays. It helped when they were doing the work, then, to bounce ideas off each other, particularly since Charlie had a better grasp over the difference between legal ethics and Catholic ethics.

"That's because you don't like the fact that sometimes, doing the right thing is illegal," Charlie pointed out, moving his laptop from his lap before grabbing himself a slice. He had brought over the pizza for their weekly, Monday night study date. Since their first argument involving Charlie's drinking, he had stopped as far as Casey knew, and she appreciated it. In the back of her mind, though she thought he still drank, just not on the nights they had plans because there were days where she would run into him on campus and he would be acting strange. Usually, it was before an exam, and Casey chalked it up to him needing to deal with the stress. She had kept that much to herself, though, knowing that if she vented to Alex, Alex would go to Charlie and chew him out. She appreciated the blond looking out for her, but it made her feel as if she were too immature and incapable of talking to Charlie herself. That she was was beside the point. She would not know how to approach that conversation even if she thought about it for several days.

In fact, she did not know how to approach most conversations with Charlie. "I don't know which is the better thing to be," Casey mumbled, setting her pizza down, suddenly not hungry. "Right or legal."

"Depends what you're doing at the time. As a lawyer, you want to be both."

"I can't be both, Charlie. The law doesn't work like that." Casey sighed, leaning back against the couch. They were both sprawled out on the floor of Charlie's apartment since his place had more room than Casey's.

"Okay, I stand corrected. You want to be legal and win."

Casey laughed. "Yea, that sounds about right." Almost halfway complete with her second year of law school and, therefore, halfway complete with her law degree, Casey knew she had changed from the naïve little creature her parents had sent out of New York to Massachusetts. It was strange to think that law school had corrupted her, but it was less law school and more Alexandra Cabot. The blond had her saying a variety of words comfortably in public that Casey had never thought she would even say, let alone would fly out of her mouth as expletives in a time of startlement or anger. She also had never thought about using the Lord's name in vain, but _goddammit _had made it onto the list of her most commonly utilized phrases.

Her personality changes had made her relationship with Charlie easier, too. He did not seem to be walking on eggshells around her nearly as often around her, though she had never really understood why he had in the first place. Andy had told her that it had to do with him watching his mouth, something he was apparently not accustomed to doing. Casey had to take him for his word because she never voiced that to Charlie. Casey was becoming more laid back with her clothing, too. By the beginning of December, she no longer had to borrow clothes from Alex to go out. She owned several of her own slightly more risqué tops and jeans that buttoned lower than her waist. Alex had convinced her to buy a pair of pre-ripped jeans, too, telling her that it was the style of the day for women their age. Casey still was not totally convinced, though many of her classmates that she saw in the cafe where she worked wore that style.

Casey had been promoted to part time server and part time hostess that semester as well, and now that she was a second year, the school did not care that she had a job to attend to as well. It made for an exciting time trying to get everything done. What she had thought were a lot of sleepless nights the first year had more than doubled, and even the weekends left her exhausted.

"What's got you thinking so much?" Charlie asked her after several minutes of silence between them, Casey neither in a book nor on her computer. "You alright?"

"Yea," Casey said, biting her lip. She had not talked to Alex any further about their slightly more than friendship encounters, and since the day they had gone swimming in the pond, there had been others. Nothing nearly so secret, but as Casey's experiences grew with Charlie, she began to recognize some of the same actions shared between her and Alex. And, it was hardly Alex that initiated them all. "Can we take a break from studying?"

"Sure. What's going on, Casey? Talk to me, sweetheart." Charlie set the remainder of his food back on his plate and wiped his hands.

Licking her lips, Casey moved to her hands and knees, crawling towards him. "Lay down and close your eyes," she muttered, her own lids low. She caught the dilation of her boyfriend's pupils as he opened his mouth. She pressed a finger quickly to his lips silencing the question she knew was coming. She had grown to expect him to question her moving forward with their relationship, and though she still would not have sex before marriage, she had adapted to be somewhat more touchy than she had been in the summer time. "I want to try something. I promise nothing."

Charlie nodded, obeying Casey's command to lay down, his eyes closed. Casey crawled over his legs and straddled him across his hips. She rested her hands on his chest and closed her own eyes, feeling his breathing change beneath her hands. He shifted his hips slightly. "Sorry," he murmured.

"Shh," Casey ordered. Charlie fell silent as her hands moved over his chest and stomach. Her fingers danced up his torso to his neck, tracing the collar on his shirt. She moved her hands over her shoulders and down his arms, trying to focus on the sensation of her fingertips more than where she was touching. Eventually, her fingers grazed the stubble on his chin, the soft fullness of his lips, the rough of his cheeks where his beard was trying to grow back before he shaved again. Her fingers touched his nose and dragged over his eye lids. Charlie lay still beneath her, and she knew he was afraid to touch her, afraid to frighten her off. It was then that she realized how intimate the gesture really was, and she pulled her hands away, coiling them to her chest.

"Don't move, just talk to me," Casey said, her voice low. "Do you think it's possible to have romantic feelings for your best friend?"

Charlie nodded. "Yes, Casey. I have them for my best friend," he whispered, his hands tracing her legs and resting on her hips. She covered his hands with hers, her thumb rubbing circles in the space between his index finger and thumb. "Why?"

"It seems weird to me. Your best friend is supposed to be a part of your family."

"Your partner is a part of your family. If the person you have these feelings for is also your best friend, Casey, then you probably found a perfect match." Charlie smiled, his hands moving up Casey's body. She did not stop him, too lost in her own thoughts to stop him from moving. As he reached her chest, though, she batted his hands away automatically. Certain parts of her body were off limits by reflex alone, and her chest and between her hips were the two big spots she even felt uncomfortable with her doctor touching. "You okay?"

Casey nodded, looking down at Charlie before remembering his eyes were closed. "I'm okay."

"What was the experiment for?"

"I had no idea how intimate touching someone was when I couldn't see them."

Charlie nodded. "You been reading or something?"

"No," Casey answered. "You can open your eyes now." He did. She leaned down and kissed him reassuringly.

"Have you done it before?"

"No," Casey lied, laying her head on Charlie's chest as she did so. She still had a tell when she lied. She still blushed like mad, and she knew he would know she was lying if he saw her blush.

He accepted her words as truth, stroking her hair and back as she lay on top of him. "You've been more open of late, Casey. What's up?"

She smiled. This lie, she had practiced because there was no way she could tell her boyfriend that her comfort level was changing because of Alex. "I guess I'm just more comfortable around you the longer we're together."

"Good," Charlie muttered, "because I hope this lasts long after law school is over."

Casey sat up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I got an internship for the summer at a law firm in New York. You told me you were going to intern for Judge Hermann in the courts, and I don't want to spend summer without you."

Her eyes lit up with excitement. "Really? That's so great, Charlie." And, despite her confusion, she meant it. She thought she really might love the man, though she had no idea how to say it. She had no idea if it were appropriate being that it was her first relationship. And, she had no idea who to ask. Alex was helpful, but she generally let Casey learn from her own mistakes and intuitions. In all honesty, though, Casey appreciated that more than she would a hand through everything.

"So, you're glad?" Charlie asked, hesitant.

Nodding, Casey leaned down and kissed him again. "Of course I am. My parents have been wanting to meet you for months."

The smile faded off Charlie's lips, and he sat up under Casey. "Casey? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't know. I just – I didn't want to ask if you didn't – I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, Charlie." Sighing, Casey rolled back to sit on Charlie's thighs. "If you meet my mother, she'll get all marriage happy on us, and I don't want that."

"Wouldn't you want to get married?" Charlie asked, sitting up more completely and sliding Casey into his lap.

Biting her lip, Casey adjusted, unable to get comfortable. "Well, yes, someday, I supposed I would be married. But, Charlie, I want a career first. I don't want ten children and a stay at home mother job. Not that I don't appreciate my mother, but that's not me. It's just not me."

Charlie stroked Casey's cheek. "What if you get married but don't have kids?" he asked. "At least, not until much later?"

Laughing, Casey curled against him, not quite comfortable but not quite not, either. It was as though she were somewhere in between satisfied and disquieted, and she was unsure as to which side she leaned more total to. "That's going to be a bit of an issue unless I marry a man who is okay not having sex until then."

"Casey, I'm confused. Why would that be an issue?"

"I won't have sex outside of wedlock, and I won't use contraceptives, Charlie. Whatever God gives to me, whenever He gives it is fine by me. I'll just ensure that when He does, I'm financially able to care for children and that I'm stable enough in a career to raise a family by not doing anything to expedite the issue prior to that time."

Charlie shook his head. "You baffle me, Casey."

Lifting her face to his, Casey kissed his chin. "Good. It's nice to know I confuse some people." She lay against him in a mess of papers, books, computers, plates, and a pizza box wondering what her life would become. She was not naïve enough to not know what Charlie had been digging at, and she was most definitely smart enough to know better than to open her mouth. So, it was in silence that she sat against him, him holding her. She knew he would never allow someone else to hurt her. Her father had always said that she ought to find a man like that, a man who would defend her and her honor. Charlie would. She felt absolutely certain about that fact.

"Charlie-"

"It's okay, Casey," Charlie murmured, combing her hair with his fingers.

Reaching over, she grabbed his hand, again, an automatic reflex. "Don't. Please. It hurts." She bit her lip and pulled out of his arms.

Charlie's brow furrowed. "Are you sure you're okay? You sound like you've been doing a lot of deep thinking. What's going on?"

Shaking her head, Casey sighed. "I've wanted to go to law school since I was a little kid. Now that I'm halfway done, I'm just that much closer to my future, and I don't know if I'm doing it right or not."

"What's wrong with it?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't know, Charlie. You ever get that nagging feeling, though, that you've missed something incredibly important?"

With a sigh of his own, Charlie shook his head. "No, Casey. I feel like my life's on the right track, really and truly."

"You think?"

"Yea, Casey, I really think so. Are you happy?"

Casey nodded. "Very." Charlie pulled Casey close to him. "Why?" She let him hold her against him, his fingers running up and down her arms and across her stomach. She closed her eyes, letting herself enjoy the sensation, but it was not his touch that first crossed her mind, and she startled, panting in his arms. "Charlie, I-"

He kissed her neck. "It's okay. I won't do anything you don't want me to."

"I know," Casey mumbled, resting her hand on his so that her hand followed his across her stomach and up from her navel to her chin. Her gasp was automatic as his index finger grazed over her lips. He slid his fingertip into her mouth, and she closed her mouth briefly around his finger before turning her head from him, pressing her face into her own shoulder. "Charlie, I can't."

He stroked her hair. "Okay," he murmured. "I'm sorry. Honey, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I care about you too much for that."

"I know," Casey mumbled again, talking into her shoulder.

Charlie tucked his finger under her chin and drew her face to him. "Hey, look at me, sweet heart. I love you, okay? I would never hurt you."

Looking over to Charlie, Casey crawled away, quickly turning to face her boyfriend, eyes wide. "What?"

"I love you, Casey." Charlie paused, looking at her with concern in his eyes. "Is that okay?"

It took Casey a while to get her mouth to work with words again as she sat back on her haunches. "I- yea, I mean, they're your emotions, but I – um, I-"

Charlie chuckled. "You don't have to say it back. I have to admit I was hoping you would, but if you're not ready to yet, that's okay."

"No. No, Charlie, I love you. I do."

"But-"

Casey shook her head. "No buts, Charlie. I do love you." She moved back close to him, her mouth closing over his. "I love you, Charlie Rhoads, but don't ask anything more of me yet."

"I don't want to ask anything of you, Casey, except that you tell me the truth, even when you don't think I'll like it."

Casey nodded. "It's late, Charlie," she whispered, her fingers touching his lips as he moved to kiss her again. "I have a bus to catch."

"You can spend the night here."

"No, Charlie."

"Why not, Casey? You can sleep in the bed. I'll sleep on the couch. Hand to God, Casey, I won't try anything guyish."

Casey shook her head. "I know. That's not the issue."

"What's the issue, then? You're tired. You need sleep."

Standing, Casey picked up her books, tucking sticky notes to mark the pages she was on. "I can't. I have to get home and sleep so I can change in the morning and go to work. I have to open the cafe tomorrow, that's at five am. Charlie, please, can we discuss this later? I need a night to just sleep. I barely got any this weekend."

Casey began placing her books in her bag. She slung it over her shoulder, kissing Charlie lightly over the lips. "Night, Charlie. I'll see you Thursday."

Reaching forward, Charlie grabbed Casey's chin, pulling her back to face him. "Casey, you're being unreasonable."

"Charlie, let me go." Casey jerked out of his grip, her own hand closing on the strap of her pack tightly. "I'm leaving. I'll see you Thursday." Charlie grasped Casey's upper arm, turning her back to him. "Charlie, stop."

"Why do you do this to me, Casey? Why do you lead me on then vanish? Don't give me any of your naïve Catholic crap, either/ I'm not buying it. You've been doing this for a couple of months now, and I'm getting tired of it. I can't help but think you're doing something behind my back."

Yanking her arm away from him, Casey glowered. "What would I be doing, Charlie? What do you think I've gotten in my head?"

"The way you talk, the way your eyes are absent when we kiss, it's like you're thinking about some one else. Are you?"

Casey backed up against the wall. "I'm not, Charlie. Stop this nonsense. I just told you I loved you. I've never told anyone that before, and I mean what I say. Charlie, why are you acting so strange? There is no one else that I know to think of, no other man. Charlie, I have no one else." He leaned over her against the wall, his hands on her sides, pinning her. "Charlie? What are you doing?"

"Who are you going to run to after this, huh? After our little spat? You ran to Alex last time. What about now?"

Casey curled deeper into the wall, tears catching at her eyelashes. "Charlie, stop. I just want to go home and go to bed. I have to be at work early tomorrow." Casey ducked under Charlie's arm and grabbed the door, yanking it open. She raced out into the night. Charlie did not follow her out, instead, slamming the door shut behind her.

At the bus stop, Casey curled up, her bag tucked against her stomach. The cool December air nipped at her until she shivered under her shirt, her jacket still in Charlie's hall closet. Teeth chattering, Casey stared at her watch, counting down the minutes until the bus was due to arrive, but it never came, and forty minutes later, she was still shivering, curled up against the shelter as tight as she could be to try and stay warm.

She was too tired to try and walk to her apartment just outside of town. It would take several hours, and by the time she wound up home, she feared she would be half frozen. Pulling out her cell phone, she debated calling a memorized number. Flipping open the phone, she tugged the antenna up. "Please, pick up," she whispered.

"Hello?"

"Charlie? I'm sorry. My bus didn't come. I'm really sorry. It's so cold. I can't feel my fingers. Can I come inside?" Casey chattered, sobbing.

"I thought you wanted to go home. Why don't you just call Alex? She's got a car. She can drive you home."

Chewing on her lip, Casey flexed her fingers, trying to regain feeling. "Charlie, I don't want to call Alex, not when you're here. I'm scared, Charlie. I'm alone at a bus stop in the dark, and I can barely move, it's so cold."

The line went dead, and Casey tucked her head, crying, folding the cell phone back into her lap, coiling around her bag. For several minutes, she held herself tightly. She did not want to call Alex. If she called Alex, she would have to explain about the argument she had with Charlie, and she knew if she ever revealed that Charlie had grabbed her, the next thing she would find herself doing would be sitting in an empty car while Alex had a 'talk' with Charlie. But, the fight was her fault. She should have just shut up. She should not have opened her mouth and argued or picked a fight.

She could not call Alex because even though the woman would undoubtedly pick her up and drive her home without complaint or second thought, she would also insist on being told what was wrong. Alexandra would not find fault in Casey for the argument. She would find blame in Charlie, and only Charlie. And, to Casey, that was wrong. Casey felt that she deserved most of the blame. She could not deal with the guilt of Alex's care and love when she did not feel she deserved as much. She needed to be the one to make amends with Charlie, to show him she was sorry and hope he forgave her enough to let her stay the night since she was stuck more or less.

If he turned her away, she would call Alex, but she was hoping to avoid that talk, that lecture. She just did not think she could stomach it.

A hand on her shoulder made her startle, and she bit back a scream. "Charlie?" she whined.

"Hey, it's me, Case. Come on. You are cold. You're freezing." Charlie held out his hand and Casey took it, letting him pull her to a stand. "Christ, woman, what are we going to do with you?"

Shaking, Casey leaned against Charlie. "I'm cold, Charlie. Can we go inside? I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"I forgive you, Casey," Charlie murmured, wrapping his jacket around her. "Come on. Let's get you inside. You can take a warm shower while I changed the bed sheets. I mean it. I'll take the couch."

"Th-thanks, Charlie." Casey pressed her face against his chest, cuddling to the warmth of his body heat for just a moment before he pulled away, guiding her back to his apartment just a few blocks away, his arm wrapped protectively around her.


	13. Chapter 13

**(13)**

Frowning, Alex picked at her bagel. "You don't look like you've been sleeping," she chided the woman in front of her. "Casey, I know studying is important, but you've got to sleep, tot. Apparently, your brain does not absorb information nearly as well as if you were at least more well rested."

Sighing, Casey buried her head in her hands. It was Sunday morning, the week before Christmas, and she was working. Her fifteen minute morning break was being spent with Alex who had stopped by because Casey had not responded to her messages in almost a week. In fact, Casey had been avoiding Alex for an entire week, longer if she were honest, though Alex had made it more difficult to avoid her all together at first. "I know. I know. I'm trying. At least this semester's done. I can catch up now."

"Yea. So, what's been going on? I guess things are going really well with Charlie, huh?"

Casey nodded, smiling tiredly. "Yea. He's sweet. We've been spending a lot of time together."

Leaning back in her chair, Alex regarded Casey. "You've lost weight, too. Casey, you need to take better care of yourself. Why don't you and I have a girl's day tomorrow. I'll take you out for a mani-pedi and a massage, my Christmas present to you."

For a moment, Casey's eyes lit up, then she frowned. "I'd love to Alex, but I can't. Since school's out, Charlie and I have turned our Monday study dates into Monday regular dates. He's pretty cute about it, you know, but I don't want to disappoint him by canceling. What about Tuesday?"

Once more, Alex gave Casey that strange look she held when she sometimes speculated on more information than she actually had. The blond folded her hands over her stomach, her head tilted as though she were in a silent debate with herself as to what she ought to say to respond. "Alright, Casey, Tuesday it is. I'll pick you up at nine. And, Casey? I miss you. I haven't seen you in weeks. Are you still coming over for Christmas?"

Casey shook her head. "No. Charlie told me this morning that he wants to do something with just the two of us. But, thanks."

Alex sat up, leaned forward, and took Casey's hands in hers. "Then come to the party the night before. We're just doing something small. Andy's coming by with Beth and Monica and Audra will be there. So will Sam and Marcus, and I know everyone will want to see you and Charlie both. You two have been so holed away in your apartments that I don't think we know what you guys look like any more."

Shaking her head again, Casey sighed. "I really shouldn't. Charlie's been under a lot of stress since last week with his grandmother being in the hospital and his father doesn't want him to go visit her, so he's trying to figure it all out. He just needs some quiet time, and I want to support him."

"We all want to support him, Casey, but I'm going to be dead honest. You know I wouldn't say anything, except that I love you way too much to not." Alex paused. Casey nodded, giving her the silent go ahead to continue. "I think Charlie's starting to get possessive over you. And, Casey, it's been going on a lot longer than the past week. I'm really sorry about his grandmother. I want to be able to support him, too. We all do, but he's taking you away from your friends. I talked to Terri yesterday when I came by to visit you, and she said you called in, that it was the sixth time this month. Casey, you've never called in here before. Even Terri's worried. Are you okay?"

Casey shook her head, tears in her eyes. "You have no right to ask my boss about me."

"I didn't ask. She volunteered. Casey, are you ill? Are you hurt?"

Wrapping her arms around herself, Casey shook her head. "I'm fine."

"Does Charlie ask you to call off to spend the day with him?" Alex asked, her voice soft. She was trying to act as though she were speaking with a small child but still using adult words. After a few seconds, Casey nodded. "Does he say why?"

"I moved in with him, Alex," Casey whispered. "My lease was up, and he thought it would be a good idea. He has a pull out couch. It's not like we're sharing a bed."

"Casey, I wouldn't judge you if you were. You know me better than that." Alex tried reaching for Casey's hand, but the red head pulled away. Alex frowned, her hands resting in her lap again. "You know, you didn't answer my question."

Casey shrugged. "I don't have to pay rent to him. He says that the apartment is completely taken care of through the entire time we'll be at this school. His parents paid for it. He wants me to quit my job so I can get more rest during the school year and so I don't have a failing grade scare again. He says I'm too smart for that shit."

"Is that what you want to do, hot shot?" Once again, Casey shrugged. "Honey, if you want to work, you can work. Don't let anyone take that away from you, not ever. If you don't and he wants to help you, all the more power to you both. And, you know I'll always be here to help you if you need it. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend, too. I don't want to lose you, Ali."

"I'm not going anywhere." Alex frowned, and she tried reaching for Casey a third time. This time, Casey did not move, slowly giving over her hand to Alex. The blond rubbed her cheek against the back of Casey's hand before turning her hand over and unfurling her fingers. Very lightly, Alex, kissed Casey's palm, eyes watching Casey carefully. "You won't lose me, Casey. I'll always be here, waiting."

"I know," Casey murmured. She blinked, a stray tear escaping the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry. I'm such an idiot." She wiped the tear with the sleeve of her shirt. "Alex, can I ask a stupid favor?"

"No such thing, Casey. What do you need?"

"Can I spend the night?"

"Anytime, hot shot. All you have to do is show up at my door or call me, and I'll pick you up. You know that's never a problem. And, Casey?"

"Yea?"

"You don't have to ask. Casey, I gave you a key for a reason."

"What reason, Alex? I don't understand that. Charlie doesn't have a key to Andy's apartment."

Sighing, Alex leaned back. She studied her hands for several seconds, picking at her hang nails. "I told you I love you, Casey. I've told you many a time. You're my best friend, and I'm so grateful for you."

"But, I'm not stupid," Casey interjected, chewing at her lip.

"No," Alex agreed. "You are the most intelligent woman I have ever met. I would never think you were stupid."

"Just naïve."

Alex shook her head. "Not any more, Casey. I think you're just unsure of yourself and where you stand. You're being cryptic, Casey. Shoot straight."

"I don't know," Casey mumbled. "I have to get back to work. I don't want to quit my job, and I definitely don't want to lose it."

"Great. Can I get an Oreo milkshake?"

"You bet. M&Ms on top?"

"Oh, I love you more and more every day." Alex beamed at Casey as she stood up, wiping her hands on her apron. "You are the most fantastic woman in the world."

"It's the little things with you, huh?" Casey murmured, pushing her shirt down over her stomach. She had taken to wearing jeans and a tee shirt that was not quite long enough to completely cover her stomach. Alex was right. She was not a stupid woman, and she had long ago learned that between red hair, pale skin, emerald eyes, and a lean, fit body, she was, at least physically, an attractive woman. Showing a little more skin tended to get her a little more in tips, and that made a huge difference in her world.

Alex smiled. "The little things add up, Casey. That you know my favorite milkshake is touching."

"And your favorite color and your favorite book, drink, saying, statute, Supreme Court case, movie, pizza toppings, song, shampoo, body spray, food, dessert, place to go on a Friday night-"

Tossing her head back, Alex laughed. "Oh, you do? You pay that much attention to me?"

Casey flushed deeply. "You pay that much attention to me."

"I do. You're important to me."

Smiling, Casey touched Alex's cheek. "You're important to me, too." Casey flitted away from the booth and over to the counter, trying to focus on her job. It was simple, really. Check on her customers, make milkshakes, take orders, serve food. It was rarely too busy at the cafe, but she made enough to take care of herself, and she realized Alex was right. If she wanted to work, then no one should take that away from her. Even if Charlie was willing to help her out financially, she had grown attached to her job and the ability to be dependent on herself even if she were not always so great at it.

Grabbing a tin container, Casey scooped ice cream and Oreo pieces together until she had the right ratio of each that she knew Alex would like it and spun it with the machine. Just to be ornery, she also grabbed the largest glass they had at the cafe and layered milkshake with M&Ms, separating each layer until she reached the top, adding whipped cream and a cherry to the top of the shake. It looked pretty, but it would be a pain in the ass for Alex to drink. Casey grabbed an orange shake straw, returning to Alex's table. "I swear, Cabot, you'll have to learn to make your own one of these days."

Smirking, Alex shoved the straw through the layers. "One of these days, you can teach me. Maybe tonight when you come over. I have vanilla ice cream and Oreos at the apartment."

"You're such a milkshake freak."

"You enjoy them, too," Alex responded, smiling over her straw. She played with the plastic between her teeth as she watched Casey. "You can't possibly tell me you don't. You have too much fun putting them together." She shook the glass slightly at Casey, accentuating the layers of M&Ms. "Do these even fit up the straw?"

Casey snickered. "Lemme go take care of people who actually ring in bills for a little while. If I don't see you leave, I'll see you tonight. Thanks, Alex. I'm really glad you showed up today."

"It's what I do," Alex murmured. "I'm just going to finish my reading, then I'll be out of your hair. You give me a call if you need me to pick you up tonight from wherever."

"I'll take the bus. I have to stop by Charlie's first, anyway."

"You know, if you're living with him, it's your place, too."

Closing her eyes, Casey nodded. "Can we not go down that path again?"

"Alright. I'll back off. Just call if you need."

"Promise."

Nodding, Alex turned back to her book, sipping at her milkshake and reading some strange little story she had picked up at the library earlier that week about medieval knights and warlords. It was a strange little novel, and she normally would not have picked it up except that it was misfiled where she had been searching for another book, and the image on the front had intrigued her. Then again, a woman heroine was kind of nice.

Still, she was hardly reading, her eyes watching Casey over the top of her book as the red haired woman worked. Thirty minutes later, Alex left, Casey too preoccupied with her customers to notice or to say goodbye. The blond left in her usual manner, that even though the owner never rang her food in for her to pay because she was a friend of his employee, she left Casey some money, too. Casey understood it was Alex's way of continuing to help her out even when she refused to be helped by the blond, and she was grateful. It was one of many things that went unsaid between them. Neither of them brought up what Alex left behind. Neither of them mentioned much of anything.

It was simply a rule that they did not talk about what Alex left at the cafe, or that when Casey was upset or frustrated, she crawled in Alex's lap, much more comfortable in her lap than in Charlie's. Nor did they talk about their summer trips to the pond. Casey never asked why Alex did not care that she fell asleep in her arms, nor did she question why she felt comfortable enough around her friend to do so when she had a hard time even sleeping in the same apartment as the man she loved. She did not understand her relationship with Alex any more than she did her relationship with Charlie. She knew that on the basic of levels, neither was what she had labeled them, but she did not know enough to give them new labels. She did not even really know enough to understand where her inherent confusion originated. She knew only that she was perplexed and that she did not trust herself enough to mention to either Charlie or Alex what was going through her head. What she had was good. Not perfect, but good. And, she did not want to ruin it by opening her mouth. Of late, it felt as though she ruined a lot of things by questioning.

That afternoon, just after the lunch crowd had left, as Casey was counting out, Terri stopped her from including the fifty Alex left in her tips. "No, hon, she didn't leave that there as a tip. That's yours. You don't need to share it with any of the cooks here."

Casey sighed. "But, Ter-"

"Don't 'but Ter' me anything, Casey. You have a woman there who cares about you very, very much, who loves you no matter what. You've been having some trouble this past month. I can see it in your eyes, you're distracted, and not in a good way. At least, not until she comes around. Don't lose her, Casey."

"I won't lose her anywhere, Terri. She's my best friend."

The older woman shook her head. "To be young and innocent," she murmured.

"What does that mean?" Casey asked, tipping her head with confusion.

Terri sighed. "She's more than your best friend, Casey. She's the one person who will do anything for you without asking questions."

Biting the inside of her lip, Casey nodded. "I know. I'm incredibly blessed."

"Yes," Terri agreed. "You are. So is she. You're a good friend to have, too."

Casey smiled, flushing mildly as she did whenever she received a compliment. She finished counting out and tipped out the line cooks, tucking the remainder of her tips into the pocket of her apron, rolling the item up and shoving it into her shoulder bag.

She made it to the bus stop just in time to catch her bus out to Charlie's apartment. She had a difficult time thinking of it as being hers as well despite the fact that she was on the lease. The place did not feel like hers. Her dresser was pushed up against the wall in the bedroom so that she had a place to store her things, but she did not share the closet with him except to hang two of her dresses. She slept on the pull out couch because she refused to sleep on his bed. It had nothing to do with whether or not she would sleep in the same bed as him – though, that was true, she would not. It was more that even though she had agreed to live together with him, she could not justify in her mind why she had done so. She should have kept her own apartment, but Charlie had been very persuasive. He was right, too. It would save her money and allow her to afford to study more. But, if that were her only justification, then she would have taken Alex's offer to move in with her. Alex actually had the ability to rearrange her apartment such that all of Casey's things would fit comfortably and become a part of the apartment's atmosphere itself.

At Charlie's, that simply was not the case. Other than her clothes and personal belongings, Casey had gotten rid of everything. Of her furniture, only the dresser survived the move, and Charlie did not even like that. Still, Casey was attached to it. She had told Charlie it was because it was the first piece of furniture she had bought for herself, but the reality was that she was not wholly willing to give everything of hers up for his tastes. Though he had not outright asked, she knew he wanted her to get rid of it, to assimilate her belongings in with his. It struck her as unusual instinctively, but she did not really know. She did not know what was normal, and her feelings of self inadequacy meant that she was too afraid to ask Alex or anyone else. She did not dare breathe a word to her parents, either. She was too concerned with disappointing them that she were living with a man at all. She was confused, had followed her heart not her head, and landed herself in quite the predicament.

She felt distinctly out of control, but she had no idea how to rein herself in. It left her with many sleepless nights and the curiosity as to whether or not the stress of every day living were simply too much for someone like her. It was on the bus ride to Charlie's that she coiled in her seat, watching out of the window, trying to ignore a sort of heaviness that had settled into her stomach earlier that day when she had seen Alex. In a way, she was hoping that being in New York that summer on her internship would be a benefit. Not only would she be back home with her parents but she would be able to clear her head in a city she was more familiar with. She desperately needed to clear her head.


	14. Chapter 14

**(14)**

"Charlie?" Casey called, knocking on the door. "Are you home? The door's locked. I need to get in." After a few seconds of silence, Casey tried knocking again. Charlie was going to get her a key made that day, but otherwise, she had no way to unlock the door. "Charlie, please. Come on, it's Casey. What happened? What did I do?"

An arm slid around her waist, lips meeting her neck. "I'm not inside, Casey," Charlie murmured. "You're home early. What's up?"

Casey shook her head. "No. The lunch rush wasn't so long today. Most of the students are back home, so I'm all done by one or one thirty."

Charlie smiled, tracing his fingers over Casey's face. "I'm glad you're home, then. I was hoping you'd come to Boston with me for the afternoon. It'll be fun."

Shaking her head, Casey followed Charlie into the apartment, setting her bag down by the door and taking off her shoes. "I'm going to clean up really quick and then spend the afternoon with Alex. Then, we're doing a movie and ice cream night at her place. I'll probably crash out there." She kept her head low so Charlie would not notice that she was lying, digging through the pack for her wallet and apron.

"You can't do that. Casey, I got us tickets to the theater tonight. You've been saying you've wanted to go, and there's a Christmas show playing. You have to be back at least by four so we can go in to town. I made reservations at a nice restaurant."

"I'm sorry, Charlie, but I promised that today, I would spend time with Alex. I haven't seen her in weeks, Charlie." Casey bit her lip.

"Casey, I spent money on this crap," Charlie said. "I wanted it to be a special surprise for you. It's almost Christmas. I just wanted to treat you."

"You should have asked, Charlie." Casey stepped away from her bag. "You should have told me you made plans. I promised Alex, and I don't want to break my promise to her."

"You can do a girl's night any day, Casey," Charlie argued. Normally, his argument would have held weight, but every time Casey had mentioned wanting to go spend some time with Alex or anyone else, for that matter, Charlie had some reason she sound not. It sort of invalidated his argument in the long run.

And, Casey made that much known as she stepped even further away from Charlie. "No, I can't. I can't go hang out with anyone ever. You always stop me somehow, Charlie." Casey tugged her hands through her hair, shaking her head and chewing at her lip. "I appreciate everything you do for me, Charlie. I do. But, I don't need you to do all of this to make me love you. I already love you."

"You have an awfully strange way of showing it, Casey," Charlie said. He didn't move to her, but Casey still moved away. "I want to do things for you because I love you, not to make you love me. But, it's really disappointing to hear that you never want to do them."

Casey groaned in frustration. "Charlie, I do want to do them. God, I love going out with you and spending time with you."

"Then call Alex and tell her you have to cancel."

"No. I haven't spent any time with her in weeks, Charlie. I miss her. She's my best friend."

"Then, she'll understand what kind of effort it takes for me to plan this for you. She won't be mad at you for canceling."

"No," Casey yelled, her hands in fists at her sides. "I'm not calling her and canceling. I've done it too many times."

"What do you want more, Casey? A relationship with her or one with me?" That question was punctuated with Charlie stepping forward. Casey scrambled backwards. He had never struck her, but she had been pinned against the wall more than once, and she did not like it.

"I want both," Casey answered, fighting to not cry. She ground her teeth together to try and control her anger. If they were both angry, things would be said that Casey would have to apologize for later, and she hated saying things she regretted. "I want my best friend in my life, and I want my boyfriend in my life. Is that too much to ask? You've been usurping so much of my time, Charlie, that I haven't had the chance to spend time with my friends."

"Usurping?" Charlie snapped, his voice cool and dark. Casey's eyes went wide. "I've been usurping your time, Casey? You make me sound like a mad tyrant bent on your unhappiness. I've been trying to make you happy."

"Then let me go spend time with Alex, Charlie. And, stop trying to plan other things to circumvent it."

"You think I'm deliberately trying to prevent you from seeing her?"

Backing up into the kitchen, Casey held her hands out and up in front of her in a defensive position. "Charlie, I'm sorry. Please don't be angry. Of course I don't think you're deliberately trying to prevent me from doing anything. Charlie? Charlie? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Charlie's hand moved too fast for Casey. She was accustomed to having quickly moving objects flying for her face, but they were seldom a fist. Closing her eyes and cringing, Casey whimpered, Charlie's fist closing around her shirt and pulling her to him. Casey's heart thundered in her head. "Charlie? Are you in there? Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, don't be mad."

"Shut up," Charlie snarled. "Just shut up. I can't think when you're talking." Casey clamped her mouth shut, biting both her lips so hard she would swear they would bleed if she bit any harder. "I said shut up!"

Casey trembled as she stared up at a man who was very clearly not in his own head. It was like he was distracted, but his hand around her shirt said he was still dangerous. She did not dare speak while she could not run. The look in his eyes was not something she had ever seen in him before, but it was one she had seen in her older brother once in high school when he got into a fight. She knew it was a look from the brink of wherever anger lay. It was almost a white hot rage, and Casey did not even dare breathe lest she do it wrong and offend him somehow.

"Shut up!" Charlie yelled, slapping her with his open palm. "Shut the fuck up."

"I didn't say anything," Casey mewled, holding her cheek, tears escaping her eyes. "Charlie, lemme go. I'm sorry."

Panting, Charlie released his hold on Casey, and she fell in the shock of it all, crawling on her hands and knees to the door. Charlie grabbed his head, his hands clamping his hair. Casey stared over at him, her back pressed against the wall as he seemed to wrestle with demons that she could not see. Terrified, Casey stood up, fleeing to the bathroom and locking herself in.

On her phone, she dialed quickly one of few numbers she had memorized. "Pick up, please pick up," she murmured.

"Casey?"

"Alex, can you pick me up?" Casey's chest rose and fell rapidly, her stomach churning.

"Sure. I'll be – Casey, you're panting. What's wrong?" Alex's voice rose just a little. "Casey, where are you?"

"The apartment. Charlie's. In the bathroom. Please, something's wrong with Charlie. He's yelling for someone to shut up but there's no one talking. Then, he grabbed his head and pulled his hair. The look in his eyes, God, Alex, please. Help him."

"Right now, I'm not so worried about him. Casey, if he's doing that, you need to stay in the bathroom. Don't come out until I get there. If you have to run, run."

"Alex, what's going on?" Casey yelped.

"You tell me what you hear, Casey. What's going on now?"

Casey pressed her ear to the door. "Nothing. I can't hear him. It doesn't even sound like he's walking around." Casey paused, pulling the phone away from her mouth. "Charlie?" she called out. "Charlie, are you okay out there?"

For several seconds, all Casey heard was silence. "I don't hear anything."

"Okay. That's okay. You stay in the bathroom. Is there a lock on the door or something you can move to block it?"

"Do you think he'll hurt me?"

"You're this panicked, Casey, means he tried. He may not have hurt you, but if he's tried, I don't want to risk you. You just stay put. I'm on my way over. What led up to this, Casey?"

Casey sat on the bathroom toilet, the phone cradled to her ear. "He apparently had this whole huge evening planned for me tonight, and I told him I didn't want to go because I wanted to go with you and just have a girl's night. We got into a stupid fight. I shouldn't have picked it. He spent a lot of time and money planning this, and I ruined it. God, I'm so stupid." Casey pushed tears from her face.

"You are not stupid, Casey. Don't you ever think of that about yourself. His reaction was not your fault, Casey. You did nothing to deserve being frightened or yelled at. Do you know if he's taking his meds?"

"What meds? Alex, I don't know."

"Casey, how do you not kn- no. No. He swore to me he told you."

"Told me what? Alex, you're scaring me."

"Fucking ass-"

"Alex! Stop scaring me."

"I'm pulling into the parking lot. I guess I'm telling you. God, Casey, I'm so sorry, I thought you knew. Sit tight, I'll be right up."

Casey stared at her phone, the screen dark and blank again. After a few seconds, she snapped out of her daze, closing the phone and shoving it into her pocket. Cell phones were great, but they were too large to really be comfortable in the pocket of pants. Normally, Casey kept hers in her pack, but she had grabbed it with her wallet, and they were both in her pockets when she locked herself in the bathroom.

She did not like how Alex had not told her exactly what she had meant by asking if Charlie had taken his medicine. Casey had not even known he was on some kind of medication. A new kind of fear settled into her stomach, and she held her breath until she heard the knock on the door

"Casey? Charlie?" Alex called from somewhere distant. Casey listened hard, and she heard the door open. "Charlie, what did you do?"

Curious, Casey opened the bathroom door and peeked out. Charlie was laying on the floor in front of the couch, his hands in his hair as he almost writhed. Alex stood over him, hands on her hips, staring down. "You swore to me you told her," Alex snapped. "You swore to me, Charlie. You said you told her. She deserved to know. You're a liar for getting her to move in with you and spend so much of her life with you when you didn't warn her that you were so damn sick to begin with. When's the last time you took your meds?"

"I don't need my meds," Charlie growled.

"Oh? Obviously. They're there, aren't they, talking to you. What are they saying?"

"Shut up."

"Take your fucking meds, Charlie. I'm not going to coddle you. That's not my job. That's Andy's job. My job is to make sure Casey is safe and happy, and you lied to me about her safety. You put her in danger first by not telling her you're sick and then second by not taking your meds. You have no idea how angry I am with you right now. You need to go to the hospital and get stabilized. You've obviously been off your meds long enough you won't get back on them yourself. I'll call a medic for you once I know Casey's okay."

"I'm okay," Casey mewled, and Alex turned to look at her. "Alex, what's going on? Why is he sick?"

"I'll explain at my place, Casey. Charlie needs to go tot he hospital."

Casey shook her head. "No. This is my fault, Alex. It's not his."

Alex pulled Casey to her, holding her against her chest. "It's not your fault. Let me get Charlie the help he needs and then you and I will go to my apartment. You can stay with me as long as you like."

Casey sniffed, curling her fingers around Alex's shoulders. She nodded. "It was just yelling, Alex. I swear. He never tried to hurt me. If he's sick, please, I want to get him help."

"Okay, sweetie. Okay. Why don't you grab a bag and some clothes. I'll call for a medical transport. There's no way he's going to get in my car willingly." Alex glanced over where Charlie was still dealing with whatever he was being told. He was sitting up, legs to his chest, muttering to himself. "How long has he not been normal?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't know what normal is for him really. I mean, I guess he's been quick to yell for the past few weeks. Maybe around the last time I saw you."

"He's never laid a hand on you? Never grabbed you or hurt you physically in any way?" Casey shook her head. "Okay. Go pack."

Biting her lip, Casey walked over to Charlie, squatting down before him. "Charlie? Can you hear me?" Charlie looked up at Casey, but there was no recognition in his eyes. He just continued to mutter under his breath, and it made no sense to Casey as she sat before him. "It's me, it's Casey. Do you know who I am?"

"Casey, Casey, Casey," Charlie mumbled.

"Yea, it's me."

Alex's hand fell on Casey's shoulder. "Casey, go pack." Casey looked up at her blond friend, shaking her head, her mouth working in confusion. "I'm sorry, Casey. I'm so, so sorry. I wish you didn't have to see this. Do you love him any less?"

"Can he get better?"

"On meds, he is the person you met. As long as he stays on them and stays away from alcohol, he's alright."

Casey nodded. "Then, I want to help him."

"Okay. Then, we'll help him. Now, go pack."

Casey disappeared into the bedroom and grabbed her clothes while Alex borrowed the home line to dial for emergency services. When Casey came back out, Alex was still on the phone. "No, he hasn't actively tried to hurt himself, but there's no one here who can take care of him if he does hurt himself. He's safest at a hospital, and I have no way of transporting him." Alex paused, looking at Casey. "Yes, thank you. I will."

Alex hung up and knelt by Charlie. "Hey, Charlie, there are really good people on their way over here to help you. Is that okay? Will you let them help you?"

"Help me? I don't need any help. No, no, I need to get out of here. They're coming for me."

"No, Charlie. No one's coming for you. Do you want me to call Andy?"

"No. They got to him, too. They took him first. Then, they took Casey. If they get me, too, they'll kill them, and you. You better get out of here, as well." Charlie looked off into the distance, seeing something other than his apartment perhaps. Alex did not understand schizophrenia well enough to know, and Casey did not even know the name for the disease. "You've got to help me escape. Please." Charlie grabbed Alex's hand, looking so innocent and lost and genuinely afraid. Nearby, Casey started crying, her hands covering her mouth.

"Okay, Charlie. We'll get away." Alex nodded. "My friends, they'll pick us up. We'll get you far away, okay? And, then, when you're safe, we'll get Casey, too. And Andy. Who is trying to get you?"

"The CIA. I have valuable information in my head. But, they don't want me to give it up. Shut up. Shut up both of you, don't you see? It's the only way to get around to it. The government's trying to keep me down, I know they are. It's because they're afraid of what I know. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." Charlie screamed pulling his hair and shaking his head.

His eyes landed on the crying Casey standing behind Alex, and he stared at her. "You! You're a drone double sent by the government to spy on me and report back. They took the real Casey! You lying thief." Charlie jumped up for Casey, and Alex wrapped her arms around his waist, struggling to hold him back.

"Casey, get out of here. Run to the car. Here." Alex threw Casey the keys, and the red head took off. "Charlie, she's not a double, okay? She's gone. She's gone."

Casey came to a halt outside, the cold air slapping her face. Not even a half block away, bright red and blue lights swirled in the afternoon sun. Squinting, Casey ran over to the side walk and waved her arms. The ambulance pulled up beside the door, and a medic hopped out the front driver's seat. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded. "Charlie's not. He's on the second floor, apartment C. My friend Alex is in there with him. She's trying to calm him down." Casey trotted up the stairs behind the medics, still pushing tears from her eyes but attempting to focus on the situation she was in rather than the shock and the fear and the overwhelming sadness.

The next twenty minutes were a blur for Casey. The medics talked Charlie into getting in their ambulance, and after several bouts of incoherent babbling, Casey finally gave up trying to understand what was going on. Instead, she clung to Alex's waist, her head against the blond's shoulder. "I don't understand, Alex. I don't understand," she repeated, whispered so frequently that it was no longer clear whether or not Casey actually realized what she was saying.

Alex just held her, stroking her hair. As the yelling, mostly Charlie's, settled down, Casey realized that it was not just her and Alex in the room with the medics, but there were two police officers there as well, though they had made sure to stay behind Charlie the entire time after Alex's warning that Charlie did not like police officers. They were basically there should he get so out of control they needed to use more than just a little force to get him calmed down.

"Do you have your bag?" Alex asked as the medics left and the officers gave Casey and Alex their cards in case the two women needed something regarding that call. Still coiled against Alex's shoulder, Casey nodded. "Then we should probably go. We have a lot to talk about."

"Yea," Casey mumbled, pushing tears from her face. "Is he going to be okay? Should we go to the hospital?"

"Not today. Just let the doctors do their thing today. I'll find out when he's stable, and then you can go see him, okay?"

"But, he's suffering. I should be there with him."

Alex held Casey by the waist, picking up the bag the red haired woman had placed on the couch and throwing it over her shoulder. "After we talk, if you still want to see him before he's stable, then I'll take you to the hospital to see him. Maybe it'll be good for you both. I'm sorry, Casey. I didn't know you didn't know."

"Please don't let me go," Casey whispered, taking Alex's hand. Alex squeezed Casey's hand in return, walking with her down the steps and out to the car, the apartment door locked behind them, Casey pocketing the keys. She barely let go of Alex's hand to get into the car, and when Alex climbed in to the driver's seat, she retook Casey's hand in hers, holding it tightly in her own.

"What's he sick with? Obviously, it's some kind of mental illness. Talking to himself? Schizophrenia? Multiple personalities?" Casey asked as they drove. "I want to know, Alex, so I can help."

"Your dedication and loyalty is amazing, Casey," Alex murmured, her thumb stroking Casey's skin. "Charlie's been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He was on medication for a while that made the voices silent. He was stable in January when you met him. The first time you called me, I thought his meds might not be working. He's been participating in a study at the med school, and I told Andy to look into upping his dosage because of how you described him acting. I also told Charlie he needed to tell you about the schizophrenia. He swore to me that he did. I was wrong to have trusted him on that. And, it hurt you. I'm sorry."

At a red light, Alex twisted in her seat and looked at Casey. "Casey, be dead honest with me. Did Charlie ever hurt you?"

For a second, Casey faltered, but she ultimately shook her head. "He scared me, but he never hurt me." She bit at her lip and the inside of her cheek. "I thought he was going to today. He kept yelling at me to shut up, and he was so angry I thought he was going to hit me. But, if he's sick, Alex, then it's my duty to help him. I'm his girlfriend, but I'm also his friend. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to lose himself."

"We'll both help him, Casey. He's my friend, too. But, if he ever hurts you, Casey, I need you to tell me. Tell me so I can get him better help, so he doesn't hurt you. If you want to stay with him, that's your choice. That makes you a better person than I am, but let me help you, too."

Casey nodded. "I don't know if I want to stay with him. I can't believe he lied to me. All I know right now is that he needs help. He needs people to support him, and I'm not going to abandon him just because he's sick, Alex. I do love him, even if I don't stay with him."

"I understand," Alex murmured, stroking Casey's hair.

"Thanks for telling me, Alex," Casey whispered, curling into the seat and staring out the window. Silence fell over the car except the occasional sniff or sob from the passenger seat, and Casey slid her hand into Alex's, holding on as though for dear life. Even as Alex's fingers began to go numb, though, the blond did not dare say a word. She understood to a degree the hurt and betrayal Casey was feeling, and Casey was feeling both.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I think this one's pretty cute. Anyway, as always, thanks for the reads & the reviews. **

**(15)**

Casey rolled over, pressing her face into Alex's chest in her sleep, one arm tossed over the blond, her body curled tight against her. The night had started with Alex on the couch and Casey in the bed but had quickly turned into both of them on the couch, Casey coiled like a kitten on Alex's lap, tears still clinging to her eye lashes even in her sleep. Alex had picked her up and moved her back to the bed, but when she had moved to return to the couch, Casey had grabbed her and begged her to stay. So, Alex had. She had curled about her friend, holding her against her as Casey whined in her sleep.

As she lay there, Casey twitching, jerking, and crying in her sleep, Alex got the distinct impression that Charlie had struck her at least recently. She dragged her fingers over Casey's cheek and down her neck and shoulder. "Beautiful girl, I wish you'd trust me," she whispered softly.

With a low moan, Casey moved again, crawling ever closer to Alex until she was half laying atop her, her fingers in a white fist around Alex's pajama top. Alex curved her hand over Casey's. "Shh, hot shot. Hush now. What happened that won't let you sleep peacefully?" Casey gasped, her hands jerking around Alex's shirt, tightening as she squirmed.

Frowning, Alex wrapped her arms around Casey and held her tight, burrowing her face in the soft red hair. Casey's breath was warm on Alex's neck as she settled so that she was laying over Alex's stomach, her head resting on her chest, legs twisted between Alex's legs. As she settled against Alex's body, Casey stopped whimpering and wiggling, her body going slack, clearly comfortable and safe. Alex smiled briefly, combing her fingers through her sleeping friend's hair. "Okay, maybe you do trust me," she murmured, kissing Casey's forehead, her hands tracing designs on Casey's back absently until she fell asleep.

The next morning, she woke to Casey moving her head on her stomach as though she were trying to manipulate it and force it to change shape. "Hey, hot shot," Alex whispered, shaking Casey. "You can't do that to a human body. We don't bend like that."

Casey made a sound in the back of her throat, her eyes opening to stare up at Alex. At first, the red head seemed confused, but her eyes opened wide as she looked around her. "Oh, God. Alex, I'm sorry. I-"

"Sh," Alex muttered. "It's okay. You were having a hard time sleeping last night. You kind of wouldn't let me go." Casey blushed. "I don't mind, Casey. If it makes you feel safer. What did you dream about?"

"Nothing," Casey answered. She rolled off Alex, still hot red from blushing, and buried her face in the pillow she had started out on the night before. After a few seconds, though, she shot up, staring at Alex. "Charlie. How is he? Do you know?"

"Whoa, hot shot, I just woke up, too. Let me make you something to eat, and then I'll call the hospital and see if he's still at the ER or if he's been moved to the psychiatric facility." Alex sat up, tucking Casey's wayward hair behind her ear. "Why don't you take a shower and get ready?"

Casey nodded. "Alex, thank you, for everything. I mean it. You were right there when I needed you last night, and – well, just thanks."

"Don't worry about it, hot shot. That's why you have friends. Are you okay, though? After a night, how do you feel?"

Casey sighed. "I slept better last night than I have in a long time, in spite of everything," she admitted, staring at her feet as she played with her toes. "I can't believe he wouldn't tell me. I mean, I get it, kind of. He's afraid I'll leave him if he's sick, but if he told me, I might have been able to intervene, you know? He wouldn't have gotten this bad. Or, at least, I would have known better than to say anything." Casey shrugged. "I guess I should have known better than to say anything anyway. He just gets touchy about that stuff."

"Are you angry?" Alex asked, her voice soft as she moved slowly to Casey's side, sitting crossed legged beside her on the mattress. Alex chewed at her cheek as she watched her friend, slipping her hand on Casey's thigh and offering a reassuring squeeze, a gesture that meant Casey would not be judged by Alex despite her answer.

Shaking her head, Casey offered a half shrug. "I don't know. Part of me wants to be. I mean, he lied to me. But, I lied to him, too, so I can't hold that against him. Besides, I should forgive him. I can see why he wouldn't want to tell me. And, it's not his fault that he yells. It's the disease, and he's off his meds. He didn't yell at first. Just more recently. Once he's back on them, he'll be fine, right?"

"I wish I could tell you, Casey, but I don't know. I don't know if meds will keep him better or if he'll stay on them. A common difficulty with schizophrenia is that patients don't often stay on their meds because they either can't handle not hearing the voices or they believe they no longer need the meds because the voices are gone." Alex shook her head evidently wishing she could give Casey more reassurance or at least tell her what she wanted to her. Yet, Alex would not lie to Casey intentionally about something like that. In that, Casey had complete trust.

"But, I can make sure he takes his pills every morning. That'll help."

"Perhaps," Alex murmured. "Get cleaned up and dressed, Casey. We'll figure this out as we go. The green towel is clean in the bathroom. The yellow towel is the one I've been using. Pancakes okay by you?"

"I'm not hungry."

Alex sighed. "I know, hot shot, but you've got to eat something. Blueberry pancakes?"

A small smile crossed Casey's features. "Alright. You know I'm a sucker for blueberry pancakes."

Casey rolled her head into Alex's palm as the blond raked her fingers through Casey's hair, holding her jaw gently. "I know," Alex murmured as Casey looked up at Alex, her lips slightly parted. Staring down at her friend, Alex watched Casey's breathing increase rapidly, her chest rise and fall with each breath. Before she knew she had done it, Alex had tipped Casey's face up to hers. Casey's eyes were closed, her lids fluttering slightly, though she otherwise had not moved. Alex watched, her mouth hovering inches from Casey's lips, the red head perfectly still and unflinching. After a moment's hesitation, Alex kissed Casey's forehead. "I know you too well, hot shot."

Nodding, Casey stood as Alex moved away, heading into the bathroom, shutting the door gently behind her. Inside the bathroom, Casey turned on the water, letting it run to warm as she stripped off the shirt and pajama shorts Alex had let her borrow since she had forgotten pajamas in her rush to pack clothes. Standing naked before the mirror, she looked her body over. She supposed she ought to have told Alex about the more than yelling business, but now that she knew it was the disease talking, she wanted to protect him as best she could. She ran her fingers over her arms, stopping at the few tiny bruises on her shoulders, where the cloth of a tee shirt would cover her skin still.

Charlie had pinched her several times over the past few weeks to get her to pay attention when she was getting spacey or when she was no longer paying attention to some story he was telling or some question he was asking. Most of the time, it was just startling enough for her to be able to focus on him again even though her mind was elsewhere. A handful of times, it had been enough to bruise, and there were three or four bruises that were in the shape of pinch marks on her shoulders then. If she had been paying attention to him in the first place, he would not have pinched her, so she blamed herself, but she still considered that she ought to tell Alex about it. She did not know if the physical attacks were part of the disease or not.

But, then, he had called her a drone in the apartment the night before and tried to lunge at her except that Alex had moved quickly and had held him back. Maybe it was just part of the disease. The pinching was new, newer than the yelling. Newer than the name calling. All because he was paranoid and afraid of the government because he was convinced he knew something of value to them. And, maybe he did, but Casey had talked to Charlie before he had stopped taking his medication. She really did not think there was anything in there that was particularly remarkable that the government would want. He had never mentioned knowing anything, at any rate. If he had not mentioned it medicated, then she doubted it was real.

Her fingers moved to her lips and jaw, where Alex had held her just a few minutes prior. She had felt Alex's breath on her mouth as cleanly as she could feel the steam from the shower behind her. She had felt her heart flutter in her chest, had felt the urge to tilt her head further, to sit straighter, and to press her lips to her friend's warm mouth, but when Alex had not done it, Casey had realized the inappropriateness of her momentary desires, shoving them back within her, her stomach churning. Her stomach still churned, though she felt more like the sensation of a hundred butterflies flitting inside her, seeking a way out.

And, as she stood there, she felt the sensation move up from her stomach and into the back of her throat, nausea waving over her. She barely managed to cling to the counter before throwing up in the sink, her hands shaking. Tears crept into her eyes as she threw up mucus, having nothing else in her stomach to vomit.

Hands pulled her hair from her face, and Casey started. "Sh, Casey. I'm just checking on you. I heard you throwing up." Alex ran the water in the sink, washing the evidence of just such an act down the drain. "Are you okay?"

"Yea. I just-" Casey mumbled, panting. She looked up at the reflection of Alex watching her, the blond's eyes dutifully watching Casey's face and nothing more. It was then that Casey realized she were naked before her friend, and she stood up, covering her chest and privates with her arms. "I'm fine. Thanks. Thank you. Tha-"

"Okay. Okay. Casey calm down," Alex said, holding her hands out. "I'm not looking. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Yell for me if you need anything."

Casey nodded. "Yea. 'Kay," she mumbled, flushing a brilliant shade of red not unlike the color of her hair as Alex closed the door behind her leaving her alone once more with her pondering, nervous thoughts. Quickly, before she could dwell too long on the whole theological aspect of the matter, she hopped into the shower, holding her hands close to her chest beneath the warm rain, and she stared up at the shower head.

"Dear Lord, forgive me my unclean thoughts," she mumbled into the water, scrubbing her face with her nails as though that would somehow get the sensation of Alex's breath from her flesh and take the thoughts with it. It did not seem to work, though, and she found herself on her knees, hands clasped before her face, fingers curled and pressed against her forehead. "Lord, it seems I find myself on my knees before you yet again. It seems I cannot right my ways no matter how hard I try. I ask that you forgive me my thoughts about my best friend as the honor of friendship is more important to me than anything else. And, I ask, too, that you help me to overcome such perversions. Lead me not unto temptation, but deliver me from evil and the sins of my ways for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."

Crossing herself, Casey stood beneath the water, hoping and praying silently that the water would wash her clean. It did not, but she knew it would take work. She had experienced herself often enough to know the moment she decided she wanted something, she had a fixation on obtaining it. And, her confused little mind was having a difficult time wrapping itself around the fact that the object of her fixation was her most dearest friend. It should have been Charlie that she was fighting these feelings for. And, some days, it was. Many days, in fact, she wanted to feel the touch of someone's hands on her skin, grazing across her stomach, a mouth biting at her collarbone. Oh, Casey Novak, innocent child, had learned that she had some very vivid sexual fantasies, probably all mild to most people, though wild to herself. As she was exposed to night clubs; a variety of vernacular describing the human sexual condition; the ability to really observe others in the cafe, on campus, and just around; and Charlie and Alex talking to her about the concept of romance, she had gained a better understanding of her own desires, though she tried her best to push them away.

Yet, there was something about being in her early twenties that made ignoring such things next to impossible. It had to be a test of her faith, but then again, she was not wholly committed about her faith. She believed in God, very much so, but she did not know that she agreed with all of the rules her mother laid down in the house that supposedly were part of the Catholic heritage. It was not so much that she thought they were bad, she just did not think any divinity could judge a creation made in its image in the way that her parents believed God judged humanity.

Cursing herself mentally, Casey finished showering, scrubbing herself hard with the pouf. In part, she was trying to rid herself of the image of Alex hovering over her, a blurred figure through her eye lashes. In part, she was trying to scrub away Charlie's touch and the names he called her and her guilt for bringing such things upon herself, for not being able to see or understand that Charlie was in trouble. She was kicking herself for that. "It's all my fault," she mumbled, scrubbing harder at her arms until the water stung.

"Ow," she hissed, pulling the pouf from her body and examining her arm. It was bright red, specks of blood vanishing as quickly as they surfaced in the dripping water. Disgruntled, Casey turned the cold off completely and the hot as high as it would go until it burned her skin. Crying out as the heat hit her neck, chest, and back, Casey pressed her hands against the wall, steadying herself under the stream. It burned, and she arched her back, panting, but she needed it to burn. At that moment, the heat was all she could focus on, and it cleared her mind of Alex and of Charlie. It cleared her mind of her insane thoughts and fantasies. She forgot about fearing for Charlie's safety, of the sheer fear she had felt the afternoon before, about law school, about everything. All she could feel was the heat burning at her back.

She did not know she had collapsed to her knees again or that she was crying until the water stopped its torrent against her back and a soft, fluffy feeling covered her. Someone wrapped the towel around her body, covering her, gentle of her tender, red flesh. Of course, she knew it was Alex, but that did not stop her from keeping her eyes shut, trying to pretend she was somewhere else, that she were naïve again.

Alex tucked the towel corner in around Casey's chest, keeping her covered as she lifted her to a standing position under her arms. "Come on, hot shot," Alex whispered, looping Casey's arm around her own shoulder and guiding her out of the shower and back to the bed. "What's wrong, Casey? What happened?"

Casey bowed her head as Alex sat her down on the bed, made already from the previous night's sleep. "Nothing. I'm sorry, Alex. Just nothing."

"Just nothing my ass," Alex murmured, sitting beside Casey, picking up a towel from the pile of towels she had left on her bed. Plucking Casey's hair from her back, Alex began to rub Casey's hair with the towel between her hands, drying it slowly and carefully as she hummed a soft tune under her breath. Casey did not say a word. She barely even breathed as Alex moved and worked behind her. "You're uncomfortable, Casey. What's wrong?"

"The opposite," Casey breathed. "I feel safe. I'm sorry. I freaked out. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have every right to panic. Do you want to talk about it?" Casey shook her head. "Okay."

Alex slid off the bed and padded into the bedroom, Casey following her movements with almost vacant eyes. When she returned from the bathroom, Alex had a hair brush and a rubbed band. "Can I do your hair?" she asked, her voice just above a whisper.

Casey nodded. Resuming her position behind her, Alex brushed through Casey's hair, bit by bit, the ringlets already beginning to return that were somewhat natural to her red hair. Casey closed her eyes and let Alex comb her hair between the brush and her fingers, just allowing herself to enjoy gentle attention. It was not that Charlie did not pay attention to her, but when he did, it was not nearly as intimate as when Alex paid attention to her. Sometimes, even though she felt her thoughts to be inappropriate in nature, it was nice to be taken care of the way Alex took care of her.

Despite the panic she had felt in the shower, she did not protest as Alex began to braid her hair, her fingers massaging Casey's neck as she went until Alex tied the braid off and focused just on massaging Casey's neck and shoulders. "Honey, how did you get these bruises?" she whispered.

Casey froze, her eyes opened wide, pupils dilated. "At work," she mumbled, flushing in her tell, "from the boxes." She sensed that Alex did not believe her, but when Alex did not protest, Casey closed her eyes again, Alex's fingers working over her skin. "Thank you, Alex."

"You're going to be alright, you know," Alex said. "So is Charlie. With you looking out for him, he's got the best guardian in the world."

Casey smiled, turning. "No, I have the best guardian in the world. How do you put up with me?"

"A lot of love and a little patience," Alex teased. "Do you feel better?"

"Yes. How'd you know how to calm me down so easily?"

Alex smiled. "I remembered when you were sick last Christmas, you fell asleep easier on me than on your own. You like touch."

Laughing, Casey nodded, her cheeks and chest a bright, bright red. "I guess I'm a sucker for that as well. Didn't you promise blueberry pancakes?"

"I did. Come on, get dressed. They're probably getting cold."


	16. Chapter 16

**(16)**

Casey sat in a small room painted in bright colors with trees and birds and a swirly yellow and orange sun in one corner. There were two beds, two night stands, and two small desks all bolted to the ground. There were no chairs. Those had to be brought in by a caretaker and were removed once the user was finished with them. Pens and pencils were not allowed. Patients used crayons to write or draw. Casey and Alex both had to give up their purses on the way in, stuffing them into a locker in the public area. All Alex had from that was the key that would get them their things back.

Charlie lay on one of the two beds. A pile of sheets and a comforter was on the floor where he had pushed everything, and he lay on the bare mattress muttering to himself, his hands tucked under his cheek. He had barely acknowledged the two women as they had walked into his room, and Alex had not even said a word. She was still unbelievably angry with him for not preparing Casey for this eventuality. Casey, however, was kneeling on the floor in front of Charlie, petting his hair with her hand, her fingers massaging his scalp. "Hey, Charlie," she murmured. "It's Casey. Do you remember me?"

"Casey? They took Casey. You're a liar." He swatted her hand away from him and scooted back in the bed. "You took Casey. You destroyed her. You're just a spy. Get out of my head!" He moved fast, lunging and pushing Casey backwards. She toppled over, catching herself by her hands, eyes wide.

Alex stepped forward and grabbed Casey by the arm, pulling her to her feet. "Come on, Casey. We should go. Let Charlie rest and the doctors take care of him. We'll come visit when he's stabilized, I promise."

Allowing herself to be led out of the room, Casey wrapped herself around Alex once they were in the hallway, crying. Alex held her tightly, rocking her. "He's so afraid of me," Casey murmured. "He's scared of me, like I would hurt him. I would never, ever do that. You know that, right?"

"Of course I know that, Casey. And, Charlie does, too. The disease fills his mind with thoughts that aren't true. Once he's stable, he'll know that as well." Alex hoped so, at any rate. She hated that she might be telling Casey something that would turn out to be a lie, but she was not sure if she ought to be saying that Charlie might not believe that. Alex hated to think it, let alone say it, but she was not one hundred percent sure how much of the yelling was Charlie and how much was the disease. Accusing her of doing things she did not, especially something following the paranoia track, was something similar yet different from the disease Alex knew from watching her brother, Adam. But, then, Alex did not know the bounds of the disease. She had learned enough to deal with her brother, but she did not know enough to understand it in others.

Laying her head against Alex, Casey sighed. "Thank you for bringing me to see him, Alex," she murmured, standing up and nodding her head. "I think you're right. I think it did do me a lot of good to see him off his meds. I want to tell him something. I'll be right back."

Alex nodded, her hands sliding from Casey's arms as she watched her walk back into the room, pausing at the doorway, breathing deep. "Charlie," Casey murmured. "Charlie, it's Casey, the real Casey. I'm not a drone. But, I want you to be well, okay? I want you to take your medicine and get better because you're sick Charlie. This is a hospital. When you get better, you can come home to me, okay? We still have a year and a half left of law school. Then, you can go out and be a big shot divorce lawyer you've dreamed of becoming. And, I'll go prosecute, and we'll be happy. You just gotta take your meds, that's all. If not for you, then for me, for Casey, the real Casey."

Leaning against the doorway, arms folded loose over her chest, Alex watched silently. What Casey said was sweet and reflected the red haired beauty's innocence about the world. And, while Alex was there, listening in to what she said to figure Casey out, to try and determine how she worked so that she could try to deal with the situation without breaking Casey or her heart, she was also the guardian. If Charlie threw a fit or one of the voices said something that made him lash out at Casey, she planned to be there to step in, to protect her. Deep in her heart, she knew that although Casey would fight back if she felt seriously threatened, Casey would not fight back over little things, especially not when she blamed herself for every argument the two had ever gotten into. Even the arguments between Casey and Alex, trite and easily overcome though they may have been, Casey blamed herself. She was always the first to apologize, though Alex wondered if it weren't out of some sense of duty. Alex always told her that she had nothing to be sorry for. For wanting to be her own person with her own needs and desires, Alex figured no one ever had to be sorry. Tempers would flare and words would fly, sometimes regrettable ones. It was turning out that Casey was Type A, but she was also very meek, though in mock trials that Alex had partaken in with Casey, the blond was always impressed by the power Casey demanded in a court setting, even if it were only pretend.

It was part of why she had wanted to see if her uncle would interview her for the internship. He had talked to Casey via phone one day, and he had liked her so much he had offered her the internship on the spot. Alex had only asked for the chance for her to interview. It was Casey who had gotten herself the position. Alex was glad that for a few months that summer, Casey would be Charlie free. It had nothing to do with the fact that Alex would be able to spend more time with Casey – between the two of them, their only off days were Saturdays and Sundays, and Alex suspected that even then, they would both be busy – it was that Casey would have a chance to live without Charlie attached to her side for a little while. Alex hoped it would remind her that there were other things in the world and would allow Casey to better make her choices. It was Casey's first relationship, and that was a fact Alex had to continuously remind herself of because Casey really and truly did not know any better.

Alex could only imagine the sex talks Casey had told her about, about her father basically telling her to wait until she was married, and that her mom would tell her more then. To Alex, it seemed archaic to not talk to kids about sex, but then, her parents had made it known to all three of the children from moderately mature ages. Her parents had bets as to whether or not she would turn out gay or straight – her mother had thought gay. They may not have been totally thrilled in her choices of boyfriends and girlfriends to bring home in high school and her undergraduate years, but they were at least supportive of her sexuality.

Biting her lip, Alex dropped her lids so that she could watch without seeming too obvious. It was obvious from her stance that she was watching, but exactly what, it was not clear. That was the point. Alex watched Casey bend down before Charlie who was muttering beneath his breath, ignoring Casey. She watched her stroke the longer strands of his hair out of his face. She watched her lean forward and kiss Charlie's temple. "Get well soon, okay, Charlie?" she murmured.

Charlie did not respond. It was as though he were so lost he had no idea they were even nearby. Alex frowned as she watched the glitter reflecting anew in Casey's eyes. The girl had already cried enough, and it pained Alex to think that it was over Charlie, especially when she knew that Charlie could not truly help himself. "Come on, Casey," Alex whispered. "Let's go home. We'll put together a care basket for him for when he's more stable and can handle it, okay? Just little things so that he knows you're thinking about him."

Standing, Casey smiled. "You're so perfect, Alex," Casey murmured, following the blond woman out of the door and down the hall to the nurse's desk. "You think of everything."

"It's what I would do for you," Alex murmured. "I just figured Charlie might like it, too."

Hesitating, Casey looked at Alex, confusion just settling in the corners of her mouth and eyes. After a moment, though, she beamed, taking Alex's hand in hers and leading the way out of the door. "Come on, then, I want to get him a teddy bear."

Alex started to frown, but Casey's hand twisted in hers, her fingers pushing Alex's apart so that they could rest between them. With a small sigh, Alex followed Casey out of the facility and back down to the car, Casey's hand firmly in hers. Alex couldn't help but be distracted by it, though she had not ever been distracted by Casey holding her hand before. She was so screwed, especially since Casey could never love her back, not in all the ways Alex loved Casey. Settling for platonic love was somewhat depressing, though Alex would rather Casey be happy than anything else in the world, and if that meant being nothing more than Casey's best friend, Alex would be okay with it.

Silence reigned as they returned their visitor's badges at the front desk and got into the car. Casey seemed lost in her own mind, and Alex knew better than to press too much. Some things, Casey would have to work through by herself and either accept that her world would be chaos until Charlie was stable and it would return to chaos when Charlie became unstable again, and Alex had no doubt that he would go off and on his medication many times over the course of his lifetime. Some schizophrenics could go on meds and stay on them and be okay. Most, Alex had learned, could not. And, if Casey could not accept that, then she would have to walk away. Regardless of which she chose, Alex intended to support Casey however she needed her to be there. Though, in all honesty, Alex hoped Casey would walk away. She liked Charlie when he was on his meds, but her brother made it difficult to have much sympathy for people who did not stay on their medication.

She knew it was difficult for her brother, too, but after being suffocated, she had lost a lot of her trust in him. When she was young, Alex had thought her brother would get better if she just loved him more. He was eight years her senior and had been diagnosed when he was fourteen. She had been eight at the time, and had not understand when her brother had begun talking to himself. She had thought he had an imaginary friend except that when he spoke, sometimes he just did not make sense. It had scared her, but it eventually became normal for her to not understand what her brother was talking about. Unlike Charlie, Adam had been diagnosed with a disorganized subtype of schizophrenia. Charlie was paranoid. Adam was disorganized in both speech and behavior, unable to dress himself appropriately, often displaying the incorrect emotion, and with such severe speech patterns that he was often not understood. He also had a flat affect that had terrified the child Alexandra. On medication, though, he was functional. Things had turned south, though, when he had changed his medication for narcotics, methamphetamine, to be exact.

Alex had been seventeen when Adam had tried to suffocate her. He was off his medication and on methamphetamine when he had been over to crash their parent's charity event. Alex had attended the event with another young woman on her arm, something her parents had encouraged. After all, it made her happy, and, from her father's perspective, there was no chance of unwanted teen pregnancy. Adam had very much crashed the event, and it had taken Alex and Lilian, her then girlfriend, to get him alone in a room off to the side of the hall. Adam had figured out that Alex and Lilian were together, had promptly started calling his sister a whore and a perverted witch. Actual violence from an unmedicated schizophrenic was somewhat rare, more rare without drug abuse on top of the disease. And, though Alex had visited her brother in San Diego once, she had largely chosen to walk away from a relationship with her brother. His charge allowed the facility to keep him inside on his medication. He was safe, but even five years after the effect, Alex could not even look at a picture without remembering what it felt like to feel her own life slipping away.

In a week, Charlie would be released as stable and allowed to sign himself out of the facility. When he did that, if Casey stuck with him, she would have to learn how to deal with the disease, particularly the paranoid type. It was not something that Alex knew much about, though she knew Charlie scared her unmedicated more than Adam did in the same situation – though she was willing to stand between Charlie and Casey if it boiled to that. If Casey stayed, Alex knew the red head would be taking the responsibility on her shoulders, and that worried her. Alex was honestly not certain that Casey could handle the weight. Charlie would go off his medication, and it would not be Casey's fault, but Casey would assume it was her fault, and things would spiral lower than they already were.

"Honey," Alex murmured, running her thumb over Casey's jaw and down her neck. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Casey said, nodding. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm just worried about you in all of this."

Casey smiled. "You want me to stay with you, huh?"

"I want to make sure you're comfortable wherever you stay. That's all, Casey."

The red head nodded. "Thank you, Alex. This is why I'm so grateful for you. If, if it's okay with you, I just kind of planned on staying at least for a couple of days. I mean, I should be back in the apartment before Charlie gets back."

Alex rubbed circles with her thumb just under Casey's left ear. "You can always stay with me, hot shot, any time that you want." Stopping at the stop sign a block away from her house, Alex leaned over the center console, her lips gently brushing Casey's ear. "You have a safe place with me any time you need one, Casey. Do you believe that?"

Casey shuddered, Alex's breath hot on her ear. It was not something particularly stimulating that Alex had whispered in her ear, but the proximity of the blond to her was more than a little overwhelming. "I do," Casey murmured. "Alex, can we stop by the cathedral?"

Sitting back in her seat, Alex gripped the steering wheel hard enough that her knuckles turned white. Casey bit her lip, dipping her head at the sight of Alex's obvious tension. Casey knew she was the cause of it. In fact, Casey blamed herself for every negative fortune of herself, Charlie, and Alex. The blond did not know if that was a Catholic thing or a Casey thing, and she was not certain that she wanted to know. If it were Catholic, Alex knew she would be angry at Casey's parents for burdening her with the kind of religion that lead to that much guilt. If it were Casey, Alex would spend months wondering what made Casey feel so guilty – Alex was not even sure that Casey's assertion that nothing had ever happened to her was true. In fact, she would argue that it was more likely there was something, even if it was not horrific, it had been enough. If there was nothing, Alex thought, Casey would not be so instantaneously apologetic to Charlie's behavior toward her.

"Do you want me to wait in the car?" Alex asked, turning the vehicle off in the parking lot of Casey's church.

Casey shook her head. "No. Not unless you want to." The red head hung her head, lower lip tight between her teeth. In answer, Alex opened her own door and walked around the car, opening Casey's as well. Her green eyes showed surprise as she saw her friend holding the door open for her. "I didn't think you liked the House of God."

"Would it mean more to you for me to be inside with you?"

For a few seconds, Casey thought about that, staring up at her friend, half in the car, half out. "Yes," she finally said, the word slow.

"Then I'll scoot my sinning little ass inside and support you while you do your Catholic thing."

"Confessions," Casey answered.

"There's confessions during the week?"

Casey smiled. "There are confessions all day every day if you need them."

"What kinds of things do you need to confess?" Alex asked. "You're so sweet and compassionate. Do you even have an evil bone in your body?"

"All bones are required to make the human body work, Alex."

"Oh, don't start on that one again. Next, you'll be telling me the glass is half full."

"Logically, it's full, Alex. Just half air, half water."

"What happens if I drink it?" Alex teased.

"Then, I guess you'll disappoint both the optimist and the pessimist." Casey shrugged. "I just need an extra guiding hand today, that's all, Alex. I promise it won't take long."

Alex nodded, holding the large wooden door open for the woman with whom she attended. Casey ducked through, dipping her fingers in the font at the door and crossing herself. Alex followed suit, having attended a multitude of churches in her lifetime, including several non-Christian centers of worship. She had always been a fan of the religions of the world, and while she was not specifically religious, she was somewhat spiritual. At the very least, she believed people held within them chakras that required balancing and thought that yoga was not only good for the body but the soul.

Silently, Alex slipped into a pew near the middle of the room, her head bowed in thought while Casey padded off to find the Father and request a confession. In the silence, Alex pondered over what Casey might be telling man and God and whether or not she ought to truly be punished for it. She could not help but be curious as to whether or not being punished for whatever her sins were made Casey happier, more secure in who she was. It seemed unusual and backwards for someone of Alex's upbringing, but that did not mean the whole world believed as she did. In fact, Alex was well aware that in some beliefs, she belonged in a very small minority.

When Casey padded back to Alex nearly thirty minutes later, she had evidence of tears dried to her cheeks. Alex saw in a brief glance upward, but Casey's head was down, her hands folded in front of her. She was so silent, Alex did not dare say a word when Casey sat down beside her, just far enough away to not touch her, just close enough that Alex could feel the heat from her body. For a time, both women sat in the back of the cathedral, heads bowed, though for different reasons. From Casey, Alex could hear softly whispered words. She knew enough Latin from law to recognize the language and guessed that from the position they were in, Casey was reciting the Ave Maria.

Presently, the words turned to simple English, and Alex tried her best not to eaves drop thinking it rude and inconsiderate all things considered. "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen," Casey mumbled, crossing herself before sliding her hand over Alex's. She held on to her friend tightly, closing the space between them until she lay against Alex.

"Are you better now?" Alex murmured.

Casey shook her head. "I don't know. I knew coming here would tell me things I did not want to hear, but I can't help but wonder if I have to hear them anyway."

"What did you talk about?"

"Duty. Sacrifice. Love. The usual."

"And, the answers you got weren't what you hoped?"

"No, but I knew they were the answers I would get," Casey admitted. Quickly, she leaned over and kissed Alex's cheek in the manner which one sister might kiss another or one friend, in some countries, might greet another. "I have to accept that."

"Normally, I'd say you were right, Casey, but in this case, I don't think you have to accept anything. I think you're in the perfect place to combat what you've been taught if you want to do so. If not, then don't. I just think when it comes to love, you should follow your heart. Same with sacrifice and duty."

Casey smiled. "You might be right about love, but you're wrong about the other two. In order for it to be a sacrifice, you have to lose something. A duty is something you do despite your wishes and wills but for the greater good."

"What about the greater good has you so concerned?"

"God's will is the greater good, Alex. If it is His will, then I have a duty to do it."

"So the sacrifice?"

Casey bowed her head, frowning. She tucked her hands into her lap, squeezing her fingers tightly. She seemed to be at war with herself over whether or not she answer, even if the answer was only internal.

"Love," Alex murmured in answer to her own question. She stood, reaching over to touch Casey's shoulder, then deciding against it, she pulled her hand back against her own stomach, chewing inconspicuously at the inside of her lip. Casey was stock still and silent meaning she either would not respond to Alex's question, or Alex had gotten it right. "I'll be in the car when you're ready, Casey."

Casey only nodded, fresh tears slipping down her cheeks as Alex left the chapel and the church. "You talk like you know," Casey whispered, but Alex had already gone.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Sorry about the wait... I toyed with this for a while. I'm still not 100%, so let me know what you think. Especially you, steple, since this is for you. I may or may not pull this one. We'll see what you all think and what (18) starts to look like. **

**(17)**

"Like that?"

"Yes. That's perfect. You're so fantastic."

Alex laughed, setting Casey's foot back on the floor, the dotted flower she had painted on her big toe with a toothpick drying. "You're such a little kid, you know?" Alex teased, dipping the clean end of the tooth pick into the blue nail polish and dotting the very center of the pink flower. Casey had not been up to going out to do anything, and it had taken Alex every ounce of persuasive ability to get her out of bed and on to the couch.

However, after convincing her friend that a foot bath and a foot and leg massage were nothing to be worried about, Alex started to see Casey come around and allow Alex to paint her finger nails and toe nails. It was a strange interaction at first. Initially, Casey was hesitant to allow Alex to even touch her feet, telling her that her feet were gross. When Alex had said she did not care, Casey had moved to an argument of not wanting to abuse Alex's kindness. Of course, it was not abuse since Alex offered first, the blond had retorted, and so they had gone around until Casey ran out of protests. But, once she had, and once Alex had started, Casey seemed more receptive.

"I know," Casey murmured, "yet you love me anyway."

Glancing up at Casey from where she was crouched by her feet, Alex smiled playfully, her fingers tracing the bumps and lines on the top of Casey's foot. "Damn right I do, hot shot." Casey's smile faltered, and she looked away, a blush creeping up in her cheeks that gave away the fact that Alex might have something she would have to worry about, if not then, then later.

Alex sighed. "Wanna tell me what that's about?"

"What do you mean?"

"You won't look at me when I tell you I love you. You think you have something to be guilty about." It was not a question. Alex knew Casey all too well. In the year they had known each other, they had become unusually close. Sometimes, Alex wondered if Casey were too dependent on her. Other times, she worried that Casey being so headstrong sometimes would not get her into a lot more trouble than good. It was still a toss up as to which woman was more stubborn, even a year later. What it boiled down to was that they, thankfully, were not stubborn about the same things. Well, most of the time.

"You read me like an open book, don't you?"

Alex shrugged. "Sometimes. Sometimes, you're about as closed as they come. And, you're stalling. Talk to me."

Casey frowned. "I guess I went in there asking about the difference between duty and love. I think they're different entities, but apparently if I were to truly love God, my duty to him would be in the same spirit."

"Same spirit does not mean same thing," Alex observed. "What about the Holy Trinity?"

"Same thing."

"Sounds to me like you need a lesson in your own religion. Same spirit. Different things. Or, Vishnu and Rama. Have you ever heard about the Ramayana?" Alex pointed absently to her book case, a place where Casey had found all manners of books and stories, some fiction, some not. Casey shook her head. "I'll start reading it to you at night if you'll permit me."

"Alright, Shahrazad," Casey mumbled. "This isn't some elaborate ruse to keep me here?"

"You're free to leave whenever, Casey," Alex said with a light laugh. "But, if you stay for the stories, I would not object."

"Tell me a story."

"Tonight, I will. But, not before." Alex leaned against Casey's calf, wrapping her arm around it, her hand resting on Casey's knee. "In the meantime, why don't you tell me a story?"

"What do you want to hear?"

Alex shrugged. "Something from your childhood. Something that made you happy."

Casey smiled. "Alright. Uh, hm." She paused, her finger pressed to her lips, eyes rolled up and to the side in a cute pose of thought. It was not true thought, but the look did not intend to portray that. It intended to portray innocence, and Alex wondered if Casey knew that or if she were just mimicking something she had seen somewhere. There were just some things that the younger red head was very much undereducated in despite her brilliance in scholastic measures.

"Oh, come on. There must have been something that made you happy. You've lived everywhere."

Smiling, the red head nodded. "Yea, it feels like it. Alright, so we were in Germany with my Dad, and I was the youngest at the time. Mom was pregnant with Todd, though, so I must have been about five. Mam gave Robert five dollars and told him to take me and Lawrence down to the taffy shop and get some candy for all of us as treats. Larry and I decided to race – I won, by the way, but only because he let me –" And, just like that, Casey was detailing what she could remember of her five year old self and her two brother's running around a small fishing village in Germany, feeding birds and fish taffy. She had Alex laughing as well as herself as she recalled silly little things when prompted by the blond as to what she did and when.

"What about something from when you were older?" Alex asked over an hour later, still wrapped around Casey's leg, grinning up at her, gray eyes dancing with entertainment. "Say, middle school aged?"

Casey froze, licking her lips. Her hand slid over Alex's hair, but she shook her head. "Why don't you tell me something about your childhood?" she asked, changing the tune of the conversation ever so slightly, pushing the spotlight from her and onto Alex.

Understanding the hint and the need in Casey's strained voice, Alex nodded. "Okay. I've got nothing as cool as you, but when I was eight, my nanny took me to Coney Island to ride the rides. She pulled me out of school early. Oh, my parents were so mad. I missed my piano lesson and everything, but I had so much fun. It was the only time I ever went."

"To Coney Island?" Casey asked. Alex nodded. "We need to make that a priority this summer, Alex. You can't just go once in your lifetime."

"I look forward to going with you." Alex giggled, and Casey smiled, nodding. Though, it only took a few seconds for the smile to fall away again. It was as though every solution Alex could retain to try and make Casey happy only lasted for a few minutes. Then, the woman was gone again, off in her own little world. "What's wrong, hot shot?" Alex rubbed her thumb over Casey's knee, her other hand absently rubbing the red haired woman's leg.

Closing her eyes, Casey shrugged. She stayed silent, though she moved her hand from Alex, coiling her fists to her chest. "Alex, please don't be offended." Alex sat up straighter, brow arching as she watched her best friend struggle with whatever she thought might offend her. The blond was not about to say that she would not get offended. She could not promise that. And, so, she stayed quiet, listening. "It's just, Charlie and I got into a fight last weekend about it, and it really doesn't matter, but, are you gay?"

Alex's eyes went wide behind her dark framed glasses. She pushed the frames into her hair, pulling the strands from her face. "Casey, if it doesn't matter," she said when she found her voice, "then why ask?"

"I don't know. I just need to know how to defend you."

"I can defend myself, Casey. What happened?"

Casey tucked her entire body inward, her knees drawn to her chest. "Promise you won't be mad that I didn't tell you sooner?" Alex nodded. That part, she could promise. Casey looked like she were being forced to swallow molten lead. It was easy to not get mad at her when she had that expression on her face. "Charlie and I got into it pretty big because he snapped at me that I was best friend's with Cambridge's biggest slut and I was celibate. He didn't understand it, and I told him I didn't understand him. He'd had sex before he met me, and I didn't get how that was any different. He said he thought you and Monica were hooking up. I asked him what he meant, and he said you were a lesbo. What does that even mean?" Casey looked so entirely distressed that Alex was not sure quite how she ought to handle things. Her sexuality had come up plenty of times in her life before, but not with someone like Casey.

"You're so innocent," Alex murmured, reaching out slowly to rest her fingers on Casey's leg again. "It's a derogatory term for lesbian. Monica and I aren't doing anything. And, I'm not gay." Alex paused, inhaling slowly and exhaling slower. "But, Casey, I'm not straight, either. Monica is my ex girlfriend. We dated my first year in Massachusetts. It didn't really work out. I don't feel the same things for her that she feels for me."

"So, Andy's your ex, Monica's your ex. What? You're bi or something?" Casey relaxed a little under the pressure from Alex's fingers dancing over her knee.

"Or something, Casey," Alex mused. "I prefer to think of myself as looking for my soul mate, whatever body he or she might be in now."

Casey smiled. "How very Greek of you."

"You're not as sheltered as you seem," Alex observed, actually commenting on Casey's lack of obvious discomfort where anything non-heterosexual was concerned. Though, Casey interpreted it as Alexandra's assessment of her contextual knowledge.

Shrugging, the red head sighed. "I've been reading some of the nights I'm here while you sleep. I've also been to the library a lot. I've read Plato. I'm familiar."

"So noted," Alex said, her words slow as she considered Casey very studiously. "Is that the end of your questioning?"

Casey shrugged. "What else do you want me to ask?"

"I don't know. Last Catholic who thought I was gay also asked me if I really wanted to go to Hell."

"We're all going to Hell, Alex. Well, okay, most of us. I am. It's all a matter of how. There is no way to not commit a mortal sin. At least, not in this country. The best way to get to heaven is to not know about the Church or God."

"So?"

"Okay, things we do every day in America," Casey said, sitting forward a little as Alex looked up at her. "Endangering the welfare of others in a deliberate manner could even include things like cutting someone off in traffic because you're recklessly risking an accident; getting drunk and getting behind the wheel; or it could mean not helping someone in need when you have the means to do so."

"Oh, we're all guilty of that one."

Casey nodded. "It's Catholic belief to the extreme, I suppose. I mean, the Pope's going to Hell."

"Why do you say that?"

"The man does not need a gold throne, but that could go a long way to helping feed and clothe and vaccinate children around the world if he melted it down and sold it."

Alex nodded. "I can see that. Is that why your faith waivers?"

"In part." Casey shrugged. "To answer your fear, Alex, I cannot justify judging someone who sins differently than I do. That is not my allowance."

"Only God can judge?"

Casey nodded. "Or something."

"Right. So, you're okay with it?"

"You're my friend, Alex, my best friend. You having sex outside of wedlock doesn't deter me. I don't see how homosexual sex outside of wedlock should be any different."

Alex chuckled. "You don't know it, but you have a very blunt way of putting things."

Shrugging, Casey scooted over on the couch, patting the cushion beside her. Alex climbed on, her hip touching Casey's. The red head leaned against her friend, her cheek pressed into Alex's shoulder. "You're still my friend, and I hope that lasts forever and always."

"Me, too, hot shot," Alex purred, as she wrapped one arm around Casey's shoulders and held her to her gently. "Thanks for not getting weird."

"You don't get weird at me."

"Do you feel better knowing?"

"I can defend you against Charlie now," Casey pointed out. "Now that I understand what he means and whether or not it's true. You may be bisexual or whatever, Alex, but you're not a slut."

"Gee, thanks." Alex smirked, twisting Casey's hair around between her fingers. "Why did you pick tonight to ask?"

"Just lingering thoughts from Confession, that's all." Casey snuggled closer to Alex, closing her eyes lightly. Presently, Casey's breathing slacked and her weight became the weight of the sleeping, Casey forfeiting control over her body to the world of sleep. Alex adjusted her so that her own arm did not go quite so numb, but otherwise, she left Casey largely alone. After that discussion, Alex was impressed and touched that Casey still felt so comfortable lying on her.

Earlier that day, she had been truly worried about the rouge haired woman. Not only had Casey seemed depressed, she had been lost in her mind, following some train of thought Alex could not even comprehend. Quite simply, Alex lacked the background to understand Casey. She had been raised like a social princess. Alex could court crowds with a wine glass in her hand, network with diplomats, and figure out which politicians could be bought by the mere act of her hanging off their arm with a flirty smile and eyes focused primarily on them. She had been raised open and free, too. Her parents had let her do what she would with respect to the fact that she would bare her consequences. If she were arrested, they had said, she would spend the night in jail. Consequentially, she had never been arrested. And, when her showing up to one event or another with another girl on her arm, few people had dared to challenge her. Her parents had raised her in such a manner that Alexandra Cabot was an over confident, Type A personality, logical, emotionally tight, protective she-wolf with a political agenda of her own. Alexandra Cabot did not know how to take being denied in many things. When she wanted something, she got it. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Casey, on the other hand, had been very sheltered. Alex would bet that Casey's brothers had defended her and her older sister growing up and probably even throughout high school and into college. Casey was logical and could argue her way out of just about any dilemma, but she was not as constricted as Alex was. Alex took on the world head over heels. Casey waited for someone to take her hand. Alex had done that. She had pulled Casey out of her shell, but as she sat on the couch in her living room, watching the red head sleep on her shoulder, a bruise that Casey swore up and down was not from Charlie just peeking out of her shirt in its almost healed state, she could not help but wonder if she were in part to blame for Casey's current situation. She had known about Charlie. She should have told Casey. It went over and over in her mind, and as she had sat alone in the car in the church parking lot waiting for Casey, it was all she could think of.

It was all she could do to not break down. She bottled everything up inside of her, holding it to her chest, tight. She used it to put a wall around her heart and let it harden. She had always had a reputation for being somewhat icy, but if things kept going the way they were, Alex knew that she would earn just that reputation. And, deservedly so.

Casey's hand jerked on Alex's stomach, drawing the blond from her thoughts. "Casey?" she whispered, stroking the woman's cheek. "I'm still here, honey. The dreams can't get you." Alex pressed her hand against Casey's cheek, her thumb rubbing back and forth along the line of her cheek bone. It took several minutes, but Casey's breathing slowed and she settled deeper against Alex.

With a sigh, Alex leaned back. "I don't get you, Casey. I really don't. I wish I did, but I just don't." Casey was so duty bound, as though by merely taking on someone or something once made her permanently responsible for whomever or whatever it was. It was an admirable trait, noble if there ever were such a thing, but not one that Alex agreed with. It was not as though the blond were going to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, but she was not going to sink and drown, either. At least, not often. What got Alex was that Casey was so Catholicly not Catholic. It had struck her in the chapel while she was waiting for her friend. There was something Casey was hiding, something she was trying to bury in her religion. Alex knew it had to be there because otherwise, she did not think that Casey would be so stringent when it came to meeting her own needs while still being so accepting of others, even if she thought that what others did would be wrong if she did it.

Pressing her lips against the top of Casey's head, Alex slowly and carefully moved out from beneath her, covering her with a blanket for her nap on the couch. Leaving a note to tell Casey that she would be outside if she woke up and needed anything, Alex slid out of the apartment, suddenly desperate for fresh air. A thousand thoughts seemed to buzz through her head at that moment, and she could not figure them out well enough to sort through them. The air, she hoped, would do her good.

Outside, she leaned against the wall, one leg tucked underneath her as she watched the kids in the house across the street play in their front yard. Sighing, she sank to the ground, crouched on the balls of her feet. One day, she hoped to have kids. No, not true. She hoped to have one child, no more. And, while she did not want her own house – an apartment in the heart of the city would suit her just fine – she hoped to be able to take her son or daughter to the park on the weekend and after school just to play.

"You thinking, Blondie?" a voice from nearby asked, deep and gravelly. Once, she imagined the voice would have been smooth like silk and handsome. Now, though, it belonged to an elderly man who looked like he had worked as hard as he had in the sun for years. The man did not fool Alex, though. He was well put together, intelligent, and wealthy. He had chosen to work long, hard days over days in the office, and Alex admired him more for it. Yet, he had also made a great deal of money. She knew because he liked the illusion of having a youthful blond around him, and he had taken her to see theater, opera, and just generally out from time to time. He spoiled her still with presents and outings, and Alex, accustomed to being prized, did not deter him.

"I'm always thinking, Papa," she said, standing and moving to sit beside the man. His other thing was that during their outings, he had remarked once that she made him feel like he was a father. He had told her that he was proud of her, and Alex counted him as a true friend despite their rather unusual manner of meeting. She had also nicknamed him 'Papa,' and he had not protested, though his real name was Christopher.

"I bet you're thinking about that lovely red head you have staying with you," the man said, nodding his head. "Because, let's be honest, there's no reason for you to look so troubled over anyone else."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, turning and looking at the older man, appraising him sincerely.

The man smiled. "You may think these old eyes don't see much of anything, Alexandra, but I see the way you rush out of here only to return with her and how you look at her or watch her walk down the hallway. Those aren't innocent looks, young lady. And, quite frankly, I don't blame you. She's a very beautiful young woman."

Shaking her head, Alex sighed, though she was at least smiling. "Maybe not, Papa, but she does not return the feelings."

"Oh? Is that so? Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go inside and finish making dinner." Standing, Alex held open the front door of the complex for the older man. "You know, that's what a gentleman does for a lady."

"Can't one gentleman do it for another as well?" Alex quipped, smile on her face.

Chris nodded. "Well, I suppose. Then, thank you, sir."

"How is it that you accept everything so easily?" Alex asked.

"Oh, that's easy. I don't have time to give a fuck." And, Alex's smile broadened into an all out grin. "There's that smile, Alexandra. Don't ever lose that smile. It'll win you hearts."

"I wish I didn't have time to give a fuck."

"You don't. Think of all the things you could have gotten done if you weren't so worried about how Red sees you. Don't think old men don't notice these things."

Alex let the door close behind the man, sitting back down on the stoop. In a lot of ways, he was right. In fact, she could not see how he was wrong, and yet, she did not take his advice from instinct alone. Something drew her away, though she suspected it was probably more fear than anything else. There just had to be other things she could focus on. There simply had to be. He was definitely right about that. So much of her time was consumed with thoughts of Casey, and not friendly, innocent ones, either. But, she had such a good thing going, why risk it? And, with Alex's sexual revelation just a few minutes prior, Alex really did not want to push it with the red head. She did not know Casey's limit on that. She only suspected that if she and Casey shared a like mind, meaning if Alex had any chance at being more than just a platonic alley to the younger woman, then she thought Casey would have shared.

"I need something to distract myself," Alex murmured, running her hands through her hair.

"Then, let's go to the roller rink," a voice behind her suggested. Alex glanced over to see Casey standing in the doorway of the complex. "I hear it's two dollar rentals until four."

"Yea, it is," Alex said, standing slowly, glad that when she thought, she did not mutter or whisper like several people she knew.

Casey nodded, holding the door open. "Mister Morris is quite nice," she said with a soft smile. "And, quite informative, too."

"Oh?" Alex said, lump in her throat. She dreaded the worst, that Chris had told Casey about her juvenile little crush. But then, if he had, Alex did not think that Casey would seem as cheerful and chipper as she did at that moment. In fact, her dancing eyes made Alex almost completely sure of it. He had told her something else. Though what, she could not even fathom.

"Yes," Casey said, following Alex back up the stairs. "You know, I have my wallet and your car keys."

"But you don't have my wallet, and like hell you're paying."

"But, I invited."

At the top of the stairs, Alex whirled around, finding herself suddenly centimeters from Casey. Tension flared between them like a wild fire, and it took Alex a second to manage to speak, her mouth working to open and close like a mechanized contraption. Casey just looked confused, her head tipped slightly to the side, lips slightly parted. The woman had no idea. "You do things to me," Alex murmured, turning back around. "And, I swear to God there's no way you can be that innocent."

Casey put a hand over Alex's on the door knob. "My treat, Cabot. I mean it. I want to do something for you, as a thank you."

"You being here is thank you enough."

"Me being here is the product of your kindness, not mine. Please?"

Alex shook her head. "I can't tell you no, who am I fooling?"

"No one," Casey answered, her voice low, and Alex paused, but Casey was already halfway down the stairs again, holding up the keys in her hand, jingling them like she were teasing Alex, taunting her to catch not only her but her car keys. Laughing, Alex bolted after her, reaching out to grab her car keys only to have them jerked from her at the last minute, Casey jogging out of her way, dodging the parked cars in the apartment complex parking lot.


	18. Chapter 18

**(18)**

It took a lot of effort to force herself to stay still in the darkness, especially when she awoke with a cold hand on the flat of her stomach, fingers pushed up to the bottom of her sternum. They were ice cold which was what had woken her, but they were familiar in shape and touch. It was that familiarity that gave her the will to not gasp or move when the skin from the fingers connected with her flesh. Fortunately, too, the fingers were defrosting, warming up against the smooth skin of her body. Just as she thought she would be okay, though, another set of fingers pressed against her ribcage. This time, it was just the fingers, curled against her side. Presently, the fingers were joined by a body, trembling with fine, fine shivers.

"Why are you so cold?" Alex finally caved, whispering in the darkness. The body instantly retracted, hands, arms, the smooth expanse of stomach that only with its absence against her did she realize was not entirely clothed. "And, what happened to your clothes?"

"I'm still wearing them," Casey mewled, sheepishly. "It's cold outside. You were warm."

Alex wanted to roll her eyes as she sat up, arm wrapping around Casey's waist before she could retreat from the bed. "Whoa, hot shot. If you're cold, you need to be under the covers more than I do. What were you doing outside?"

"Thinking," Casey murmured. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

Staring at Casey's alleged attire, Alex sighed. She was wearing a bright green sports bra and running shorts, her body cold as an icicle. "Did you go for a run?" she asked of the red head dressed so scantily, especially for a midnight run.

Casey shook her head. "Naw. I was going to, but I got about a foot out the door and I couldn't go any further. What's wrong with me?"

"You're nervous, Casey. It's okay. Charlie comes home today."

Sighing, the red head nodded. "Yea. I guess you're right. I'm going to miss being here."

With a quick motion, Alex pulled them both back beneath the covers and onto the pillows, holding Casey close to her, though the chill from Casey's body was doing more to make Alex tense than it was to warm Casey up. "I'm going to miss you being here, Casey. You're a good housemate. But, it's not like you won't ever come over. We can have girls' nights anytime you like."

"You think Charlie will stay better?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know, but I do know he has a better chance now that he's stable again. It puts an awful amount of responsibility on you, though, Case, to help him."

Casey nodded. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Is that why you couldn't sleep?"

"I guess." Casey did not sound convincing, and Alex looked at her with a strange visage. There was more question than anything to Alex's eyes, and in the light of the moon through the window, Casey was just able to catch it. Alex had also gone a little tense, something Casey had learned to read over the months. "I don't know exactly what woke me up. I just woke up and knew I needed to go outside."

"I see," Alex murmured, stroking Casey's hair.

"I was having a strange dream," Casey blurted before she covered her mouth. "I'm sorry. It was just a dream."

"No, Case. Don't be sorry. Never be sorry for that kind of thing. There's nothing wrong with having a dream," Alex whispered, bending her body comfortably around Casey's, their bodies almost perfectly aligned. It killed her a little more every night that Casey slept over, but Alex was not about to complain for reasons both altruistic and selfish. "What was it about? Sometimes, dreams can help us figure out what's bothering us."

"You're such a spiritualist," Casey murmured with a warm smile, her face in Alex's neck. She inhaled the soft scent of something she could only identify closely with an orange creamsicle. It was an interesting scent that Alex wore, and it always reminded Casey of being a child and being safe. Alex, Casey had noticed, only wore that kind of smell to bed, as though she used a different soap in the morning than she did at night. And, Casey knew the that she did, knew from having showered many a time in Alex's shower, including borrowing Alex's shampoos and conditioners often enough to know exactly what Alex used and how frequently.

They laid against each other for almost an hour, comfortable and warm in the silence. Casey rolled her face along Alex's neck, the blond releasing an involuntary moan, cutting it short when she realized what she had done. "You smell good," Casey whispered, her lips moving over Alex's skin as just a bare brush, their skin barely touching that made Alex almost groan again.

"Casey, you can't do that to me," Alex whispered back, fighting for control over her racing heart and unsteady breathing patterns. Her mind was wandering a mile a minute, and she could not help it. For once, she flushed red rather than Casey, a deep crimson that she knew made her skin hot. Casey did not seem to notice, though. Or, if she did, she did not make it noticeable.

The red head did not move away. Instead, she buried herself closer, pressing her lips against Alex's neck, her fingers moving over Alex's stomach, tucked under the blond's shirt, cool against her stomach. Casey had warmed up considerably, but there was still a lingering chill. "I'm cold," Casey mumbled, wrapping her arm under Alex's shirt and across her stomach, clinging to her friend.

"Casey Anne, you're either doing this on purpose or you're not even awake." Alex's accusation was met with silence, and the blond sighed. Wrapping her arms around her friend, she held her close. "Alright, then. Sleep well. I'll keep you warm." Alex kissed Casey's forehead, the woman wiggling in her arms to get comfortable, her face still near Alex's neck, breath tickling the skin.

There was no way that Alex would be able to sleep that night. Casey was tucked safely against her, but where the sleeping woman had opted to lay her hands and head, Alex was far too stimulated to really be able to relax. "Dammit," Alex mumbled to no one but herself, her eyes rolled up in her head. "Casey Anne, I don't know what I'm going to do about all of this." Alex was learning first hand and fast that it took a greater amount of effort to conceal attraction to a friend than it did to conceal an attraction to anyone else in the world. What made it hardest was that Alex knew she had about an ice cube's chance in hell with Casey reciprocating those feelings.

It was becoming a daily battle for the blond, and with her friend as her temporary roommate it had become increasingly difficult. Mentally, Alex was cursing herself for not being able to control her emotions. It was not even her libido. While she had to admit that Casey was a sexually and physically attractive woman, what got her the most and what killed her slowly was the emotional attraction she felt. There was a draw to her that Alex could not explain, and the more that Alex learned about Casey and the more time they spent together, the stronger that attraction was on Alex's end. It was driving her insane, but she could see and understand why Charlie felt threatened. Alex had it bad for Casey, and just how bad, she was only just figuring out.

Laying there, Alex watched the walls of the room lighten with the dawn. Casey stirred, a low groan from her mouth as she moved her head to Alex's collar bone. As she did, it drew her hand back and low over Alex's stomach. "Casey," Alex whispered, her hand covering the red haired woman's so that she could not move it any further. "Bad idea, love."

Picking up Casey's hand, Alex rested both of their hands on her stomach. "Dear God, I have to move. I'm sorry, Case." Alex moved out of Casey's arms, the woman protesting in her sleep as Alex pulled away. Fleeing to the bathroom, Alex splashed cold water on her face, pulling her hair back into a messy bun. There were bags under her eyes in the mirror, and she truly looked like she had been kept up the entire night. It would be impossible to lie to Casey about that, Alex just hoped that the woman would not ask questions.

"Alex?" a voice asked from the doorway. Using the mirror's reflection, Alex glanced up to see Casey standing behind her, lower lip tucked tight between her teeth, arms wrapped around her chest like she were trying to protect herself from something. For a moment, Alex was worried Casey thought she would be angry with her for something, but as the red crept into her cheeks, the blond figured it was something other than that. "Sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay, hot shot. I don't mind. Are you okay?" Turning off the water, Alex blotted her face with her towel. After a few seconds, Alex turned to look at Casey who had said nothing, her hands folded in front of her, head bowed. Even still, Alex could see her turning darker, a red to envy her ruby hair. "What's wrong, Case?"

Casey shook her head. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"About what?"

"Last night. What happened."

"You mean the going for a run business?" Alex asked, feigning innocence, though the color of Casey's cheeks, neck, chest, and stomach said that Casey was not talking about what Alex suggested. Slowly, Casey nodded, chewing on her lip and blushing even deeper. Alex had not realized it was possible, but apparently it was when Casey was both embarrassed and lying. "Don't worry about it, okay? You're not confined here. You can go wherever you want, whenever. It's not a big deal. You're an adult, and you're your own person."

Coiling one hand around her arm, Casey chewed her lip. "Alright," Casey mumbled.

"Something else on your mind, hot shot?" Alex mused, padding over to the red head, acting on a hunch as she rolled her fingers over Casey's boney hip. With just the sports bra and the shorts, Alex's hand rested on Casey's warm flesh. Even with such an innocent touch, Alex felt her heart beat skyrocket, her heart pounding in her chest.

"No," Casey murmured. "I'm just sorry. I think I did something I shouldn't have. I don't remember really. It might have just been a dream."

Alex shook her head. "Must have been. You're fine," she said, trying to save Casey the embarrassment of having to work through everything. "We have to pick up Charlie after noon today. But, this morning, it's a girl's morning. I was thinking breakfast, and then we could go get a mani-pedi." Alex moved her hand to Casey's, splaying her fingers and examining her nails. The paint was chipped and chewed. "Did you chew these last night?"

"Guilty," Casey muttered, retracting her hand, examining her own nails briefly. "What were you thinking for breakfast?"

"The Friendly Toast?" Alex said, her tone betraying the question. Casey nodded, smiling. "Deal. You want the shower first?"

Casey shrugged. "I have got to wash my hair, so after you?"

Alex laughed.

"What?" Casey asked, frown cornering her brows and making her lips turn down.

"Just thinking about how easy this is for us."

"You mean the whole living together bit?" Alex nodded. "Maybe I need a roommate I'm not dating for a little while." Casey rubbed her arms and looked away, sighing.

Alex froze, momentarily at a loss for how to address that. "Casey," Alex said, her tone slow and measured to make sure she did not say something incorrectly and worry Casey. "Do you want to stay here a while longer?"

Shrugging, Casey pushed the shower curtain aside, turning on the water. "I shouldn't. I should move back with Charlie. It's what he's expecting."

"But, is it what you want?" Alex kept her words slow, treating Casey like she were attempting to coax a deer into trusting her. On one hand, she did not want to scare the woman away. She wanted her to be comfortable. On the other hand, it tugged deep inside her stomach every time Casey snuggled up against her in the bed, and Alex was not sure how much more she could take before she lost it completely.

Once again, Casey shrugged. Momentarily, Alex watched as the red head hooked long pale fingers into her shorts and slid them off her body before hopping onto the bathroom counter and staring at the wall. From that angle, she could not see Casey. It gave the formerly modest woman some privacy while still keeping them close enough, and it somewhat stopped Alex's mind from wandering down inappropriate pathways. "I don't know. I want to make sure he's okay and that he stays okay. But, I just – I don't know how to describe it, Alex. It's like I want to be there for him, but I don't-"

"Trust him?" Alex questioned.

"Yea," Casey said, her voice barely louder than the running water. She sounded ashamed of herself.

Alex closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. "Charlie hit you, didn't he?" she asked. She had left the subject alone for the week Casey had been with her save the first night when Casey swore up and down that Charlie had never laid a hand on her. She had figured that Casey would go to her when she was ready to talk which might have been never, but the sound of Casey's voice in that one word was enough to bring it up again.

"He's different on meds, right?" Casey mewled.

Alex did not have time to respond before she heard the shower curtain close and the water change sounds as it poured over Casey. There was no way the red haired innocent would hear Alex's response, and Alex knew that Casey was acutely aware of that. It was almost, Alex thought, as though Casey did not want to know the answer. "Unless you plan on leaving him, hot shot," Alex mumbled, "I hope so. For your sake, I hope to God he's different." But, that was just it. She did not know him in a relationship on medication. For all she knew, he could charm everyone outside of the relationship and be abusive inside the relationship. It was an aspect about the man that she really had no idea about. And, speculating was dangerous. Alex knew she had a tendency to imagine the worst when she began speculating. But then, she had learned to expect the worst from others.

Sliding off the counter, Alex moved to stand right beside the shower, where Casey would hear her talking through the shower curtain. "Casey, stay with me a while longer. It'll give Charlie time to adjust to being outside of the hospital again and it will give you time to adjust to him. Who knows, maybe you two can just go on little dates every once in a while instead of being together all of the time."

"You really think that'll help?" Casey asked.

"I think it's a better idea than moving back in with him immediately, Casey, especially if he was violent with you. You're not going to sleep well, and with school starting back up at the start of the year, you're going to need to be able to get sleep somewhere." Alex leaned against the wall, folding her arms over her chest. "It makes sense logically that you stay here."

"You really don't mind?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I did," Alex chided in a borderline sing song voice.

Moving the shower curtain aside so that just her head peeked out, hair dripping wet over her face, Casey smiled. "You're so chivalrous, you know that?" she said, kissing Alex's cheek. "Thank you. You have no idea the kind of weight that takes off me."

"You know, you could have just asked. I wouldn't tell you no." Alex murmured as Casey disappeared back into the shower.

Casey laughed, and Alex found that it felt good to hear that sound. She did not believe that she had the opportunity to hear it very often, and that made her stomach twist internally because when they had first met, Casey laughed all of the time. "Can you tell me no?"

"Trick question, Counselor. Nice try," Alex teased. "And, I don't think I could unless truly pressured. I think you get what out of me."

The water turned off, and Alex heard the sound of Casey pushing the last remaining droplets on her body onto the shower floor before Casey rung out her hair. "You're such a pushover."

"Only for you, hot shot," Alex replied, opting for honesty. It really was true, too. No one else could make Alexandra Cabot do something she did not want to do. Except for Casey Novak. Casey Novak could make her doing anything under the sun, and Alex would grin like an idiot doing it. Picking a clean towel from the small closet just outside the bathroom, Alex handed the cloth to Casey, still in the shower, and waited for the woman to wrap herself and step out of the shower.

"Thanks."

"Sure," Alex said as she twisted her hair onto her head in the mirror, clipping it in place to avoid getting it too wet when she showered. "So, is that a yes?"

"Hm?" Casey questioned. Alex let the silence hang while Casey reacquainted herself with their previous conversation. "Oh. Yea. Yes. I mean, yes, it's a yes. If you'll have me, I'll stay. Let me know about rent. I want to help out, Alex. Please."

Alex shook her head, Casey behind her, drying her hair with a towel. "No. Rent's covered. My parents took care of it. Even I don't pay. But, if you want to feel useful and help out, we'll need to go buy new pillows. The ones we have are getting too flat for my tastes. You can buy one of them." Alex smiled, twisting to face Casey. "Sound fair?"

"No. I feel like I'm getting the better end of that deal."

"Think about it this way. I don't have to pay for my pillow, either."

"But, Ali, their you're parents."

"And? My parents would love you to death. You're so much less a rebel than their own daughter."

"You're a rebel?"

Alex nodded. "Compared to Sam, yea. I'm the rebel."

"Didn't your parents want you to go to Harvard law and be a lawyer?"

"A civil attorney, yea. I think I ticked them off a little by pursuing criminal law as heatedly as I have. It makes me the rebel."

"Jeez."

"Hey, aren't you one of the rebels in your family, too?"

"My older sister is worse."

"Huh," Alex mumbled, pulling her night shirt off and losing her pajama pants to the floor as she stepped into the shower with no modesty what so ever. As she stepped over the small ledge, she looked back at Casey. "That explains a lot."

And, it was not missed to Alex that Casey's eyes were fixed to hers, confusion, curiosity, and wide eyed fear all mixed together in her pretty green orbs. Casey's eyes flicked over Alex's body, and the blond raised a brow, pausing. "Jealous, Novak?" Alex teased, her words more than face value. She was on a fishing expedition, and the color of Casey's face made Alex pause as she drew the curtain behind her. For a second, she had to wonder if she were interpreting Casey's reaction only because she was crushing as hard as she was.

Under the rush of the hot water, Alex merely went through the motions of getting cleaned off, her lip between her teeth. It was dead silent outside of the shower, and the blond feared she had finally scared her friend off, that she had been too forward. Forward was not uncharacteristic of Alexandra Cabot, but she knew in the precarious situation that she was in when it came to her relationship with Casey. "Hot shot?" Alex called after a few minutes of an almost painful silence.

No sound met her ears save for the running water and her own pounding heart beat. Very slowly, Alex reached down and turned off the water. "Casey? Did I upset you?" Alex asked, grabbing the towel from the rack and wrapping it around her before stepping out of the shower.

"No," Casey answered, startling Alex, the blond jumping as she looked to the counter where Casey was perched, her knuckles white on the material. She was still wrapped in her towel, her wet hair hanging around her face, blush creeping up on her skin. "You're my best friend."

"Yea," Alex murmured, stepping in front of Casey, tucking her towel so that it stayed around her body. There was, she figured, little sense in making Casey any more uncomfortable. It was incredibly clear, too, that Casey was uncomfortable. "No matter what, Casey." Alex pressed her finger against Casey's, trying to pry her fingers from the counter top before she hurt herself.

Casey let go of the counter, her fingers grazing up Alex's arm and over her shoulder to Alex's neck. Gently, she rested her palm against the woman's cheek, her thumb just touching Alex's lips.

"Casey?" Alex whispered, her lids fluttering at the sensation. "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

Hand and fingers pausing, Casey studied Alex's eyes, the blond watching Casey's just as intently. "I've kissed you once before," Casey murmured. "I'm sorry I kept that a secret from you. It was wrong. I shouldn't have. I understand if that's an exception to your 'no matter what.'"

Automatically, Alex's brow knit into little furrows. "Casey, what do you mean?"

"I kissed you. You kissed me back, too." Alex placed her hand over Casey's against her face, confusion evident. "I – I'm sorry. It was dark. I wanted to so badly, but I didn't want to make you angry."

"New Years," Alex breathed. Casey nodded, tears falling from her eyes. "Have you ever kissed a woman before?"

"No," Casey murmured. "I don't know what possessed me. And then, Charlie asked me out, and I figured it was just a, I don't even know. I've felt guilty about not telling you the truth."

"You knew I was bi?" Casey nodded again, tears now silent and free flowing. She was shaking just enough that Alex reached out to her, touching her arm in a soothing manner. "Why are you telling me now?"

"I've been to Confession thrice this week, Alex. What else do I have to confess?" Casey looked so distressed that Alex could not help but smile, the corners of her lips turning up just enough that it might have been a smirk. "I get it if you want me to leave."

"You still think about it." It was not a question. Alex made it a statement, and Casey did not respond. "You still didn't answer me. Why tell me now?"

"After last night, when I woke up the second time, after I went outside."

"You always cuddle me, Casey," Alex mused, head tipped in silent question.

Casey nodded. "That's just it," she muttered. Casey started to retract her hand from Alex's face, but the blond closed her hand tighter, forcing the red head to leave her palm pressed against Alex's cheek. "Alex."

"Don't," Alex whispered. Very carefully, Alex moved Casey's arm so that her wrist was pressed flush against her lips. The slightly older woman kissed Casey's wrist once, soft, before opening her mouth and biting down, her eyes watching the red head under thick lids and golden lashes.

With a small, soft gasp, Casey's breathing deepened. Alex watched her tip her head back at the attention, unsure if the woman was crying. "Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum," Casey mumbled between breaths. Alex immediately recognized the Latin version of the Hail Mary as her teeth grazed over Casey's wrist bone before she sucked at the skin, her tongue dancing a maze over Casey's flesh. "Benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostr-"

The red haired woman speaking Latin in Alex's bathroom did not have the opportunity to finish the last word of the prayer because Alex moved her mouth from the woman's wrist to her mouth, encompassing it. Casey's arms curled over Alex's neck as she unclipped her hair and ran her fingers through the silken strands, latching her fingers at the base of Alex's skull. Warmth spread through Alex's entire body as Casey pressed herself against the woman, her legs spreading, wrapping around Alex's waist. For her part, Alex groaned into the kiss, one hand on the small of Casey's back, pulling her ever closer.

For that moment in time, those few breathless seconds, Casey did not seem to mind that everything about kissing Alexandra went against what she had been raised to believe. As they parted, Casey's head drooped into Alex's chest, both women panting. "Amen," Alex whispered as she caught her breath. The red head was awkward when she kissed, but she had let Alex take control over the motion, following willingly where Alex had lead.

"Amen," Casey muttered as Alex wrapped her arms around Casey's back, holding her in an innocent hug that betrayed nothing of the intimacy of the kiss they had just shared. "Alex, that was – I've never."

"Hush, Casey," Alex chided, voice soft. She understood what Casey meant. Casey fell silent, just letting herself be held by her friend. Then, after a few seconds of warm silence, Casey started to cry again. "What's wrong?"

"Me," Casey moaned into Alex. "I'm wrong. I'm broken."

"Because we kissed?"

"Not just that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fuck this up."

Alex smiled, tipping Casey's head to herself, kissing her forehead. "You didn't fuck anything up, Casey. You taste like spearmint."

Casey giggled. "It's your toothpaste."

"I know. And, your hair smells like me."

Tracing her fingers along Alex's jaw, Casey smiled softly. "You know how to cheer a girl up, Alex," Casey murmured. "You're so judgmental of everyone but me, aren't you?"

"It's hard to judge a woman I'm in love with," Alex admitted.

Casey flushed deeply, her head bowed. "Alex, I can't."

"I know," Alex whispered, taking Casey's hands in her own and squeezing them briefly.

Casey held Alex's hands. "Wait," she whispered, pulling Alex's hands toward her until the blond followed. She kissed her again, kiss chaste because she had no idea how to initiate anything deeper. Alex was so careful. Having only Charlie to compare Alex to and vis versa, she could only think that Alex was so much more gentle than Charlie, as though she were seeking permission. It made Casey think of the act as being ever more intimate, a thought about which she was not certain how she felt. Then again, everything with Alex felt intimate, from the time they spent at the pond and horse riding to the kiss they had shared.

Pulling away slowly, Alex rubbed her thumbs over Casey's lips. Briefly, she nuzzled Casey's neck, kissing a line from her jaw to her shoulder. "You have no idea how good it feels to kiss you, Casey," Alex whispered. "And how much it hurt not to."

"I think I might," Casey murmured. "But, I, we-"

"I know," Alex repeated. "Not again."


	19. Chapter 19

**(19)**

Casey, Alex, and Charlie all sat around a small table at the local coffee shop. Alex with her signature raspberry white mocha with an extra shot, Casey with her peppermint cappuccino, and Charlie with a lemonade slush because his medication did not allow him to consume much in the way of caffeine. They had all gone to lunch earlier in the day, and despite Alex's insistence that Casey talk to him about their living arraignments, Casey had not wanted to do so. It was with great reluctance that Alex did not say something, but she knew it would be better for both Casey and Charlie that Charlie heard it from Casey.

"Um, Charlie, Alex, can I talk to you on a more serious note?" Casey asked, stirring at the foam of her cappuccino.

Charlie nodded. "You feeling okay, Casey?" he asked, worry evident in his eyes.

Casey nodded, her hand sliding over his and squeezing it. "I am fine, Charlie. Better now that you're back with me, but I've been thinking about all this, this week, and I want to be honest."

"Okay," Charlie said, looking to Alex. The blond shrugged. She thought she might know what Casey was getting at, but since she was not certain and the conversation was not precisely planned. Since she was not certain, she only shrugged, staying carefully neutral.

Chewing at her lip, Casey laced her fingers in Charlie's. "I want to spend another week at Alex's if that's alright with the two of you. Charlie, I feel like some of this has been us moving faster than I could possibly be comfortable with. Us living together is stressful for both of us. I want a normal boyfriend and a normal relationship, or as normal as you can get with a Catholic girlfriend. Alex offered to let me stay with her as long as I needed when we first became friends, Charlie, and I'm cashing in on that offer."

Alex slowly nodded. "It's fine by me, Casey."

"You're scared of me," Charlie said, sounding hurt. Alex frowned at him, her silent stare warning him not to start. Then again, it was no secret among the group of students they all spent time with that Alex did not like Charlie. Many people assumed it was because Charlie had Casey and Alex did not. However, in Alex's mind, it was because Alex was unwilling to put Casey through the kinds of things Charlie put her through. And, now that some of the truth about Charlie hurting her had come out, even though the man had been off medications at the time, Alex had less cause to like him. "I know I should have told you, Casey, and I'm sorry I didn't. I've told you I'm sorry a million times when you visited me at the hospital, and I'll tell you again now, but you have to eventually stop holding that against me. It's not fair. I don't hold things against you."

Casey ducked her head, but it was Alex who answered. "Actually, Charlie, I think it's a great idea. It gives you both some space to come up with new ways to be romantic and do your dating thing. Instead of hanging out all the time, you guys can actually get dressed up and go out or plan a day of fun or something and it would really be special instead of ho-hum." Alex beamed brightly at Charlie, just catching Casey's mouthed 'thank you' out of the corner of her eye. "What do you say?"

Squeezing Charlie's hand, Casey looked to the man, eyes full of question. Charlie nodded. "Alright. When you put it like that, Cabot. And, why don't we make that first plan for Tuesday? It'll be New Years Eve that night. I missed Christmas with you, Casey, and I wish I hadn't. I can't make up for it, but I can make your New Years special."

"Aren't we all going clubbing again?" Casey asked. "That would be fun. Like last year, just make it our little tradition for a year or two more, before we're too old to go clubbing."

"Is that what you want?" Charlie asked. Casey nodded. "Alrighty, then." Charlie brought Casey's hand to his lips, just barely brushing his flesh against hers. "You're my princess, Casey. Whatever you want."

Casey offered a genuine smile then, wrapping her arms around Charlie's neck. "I'm so glad to have you back," she murmured, kissing his cheek. She did not just mean from the hospital, but with him on his medication, he was much more pleasant a person, like the man she had met, the man that Alex had gotten along with, before she and he had begun to date. Settling back into her chair, Casey offered Alex a warm smile which was returned just as warmly but with distant eyes. Reaching under the table, Casey rested her hand on Alex's knee, squeezing just slightly. They both knew why Alex was so distant. Only Charlie had been left in the dark, a place Alex was happy to keep him. She did not want him flying off the handle at Casey for it, and she knew he would not dare fly off the handle at her.

Alex had to force herself to focus on drinking her mocha a second later when she felt the warm, reassuring touch at her knee slide up her leg. Granted, it was the top of her leg, and not the inside, but nevertheless, Alex felt her body flush warm, things low inside her tugging at her very soul. It took every ounce of will she had not to give it away as she took a long, slow sip of her mocha. Sliding her hands under the table as she set her cup down, Alex picked Casey's fingers off her thigh, where they had found a little bit of string from the tear and had begun playing leisurely.

Their first kiss may have been without Alex knowing who she was kissing almost a year prior, but since Alex had been down Casey's throat earlier that morning, Casey's demeanor had changed. She was more relaxed and easy around Alex, as though Alex knowing her secret had taken a weight off of her. She was also more flirty, and Alex knew that the innocent exterior Casey had been throwing up was not as naïve as she made it out to be. They had also established, with a very crimson Casey, which of Alex's books Casey had been reading, and when Casey pointed out a few of the more sexually graphic ones, Alex came to understand how much of Casey's imaginative innocence had been lost in her apartment in the middle of the night when Casey could not sleep.

Apparently, establishing that they both had intimate attractions to the other, though were unable to act on it, had made Casey a little more bold. It made Alex want to ask her what exactly Casey had meant when she had said that she could never kiss Alex again. Suddenly, Alex was not so certain that it had as much to do with Casey's religion as she had thought. Casey might have been Catholic, but she was a very open Catholic. There was something else about her that was so closed off, and Alex did not know what. However, as Casey's fingers wiggled from hers and traced the fraying fabric once again, Alex did become sure of one thing: whatever it was that Casey kept inside her, she wanted to let it out. There was, Alex thought, one brick that would make the entire wall come crumbling down. She just needed to figure out what that brick was and how to pull it from the wall.

Casey's hands wound up back on the table, one beneath and one covering Charlie's hand. As she rested her head on Charlie's shoulder, Alex could not help but to think how easy it was for Casey to be there. And, yet, those green eyes were locked on Alex's own gray, a small, secret smile on her face. It seemed both wrong and right all at once, and it would irk Alex in an entirely new manner. Even in learning that Casey had been reading, had been watching those around her exist in the adult world of lust and studying them in the way that only the innocent can study, Alex had found Casey to still be naïve, just in a different manner than she had allowed herself to believe. It was not that Casey had not been so innocent when they had met, it was just that Alex had not allowed herself to believe that Casey could grow in those terms. Now that she knew the red haired woman had, it was becoming difficult not to act on that knowledge, to flirt, even if the flirtations were covert as Casey suggested.

But then, Alex did not think Casey understood that she was flirting. Alex thought it more likely that Casey was acting off some voice in the back of her mind, an instinctual reaction long bred in heterosexual humans not unlike attracting a strong, capable mate for other animals for the purposes of reproduction. Coquettish behavior was a fancy, intellectual way of defining human mating behavior, and it made Alex giggle privately. It made her warm that such attentions were directed her way, even if they would never be pursued. Something felt a little calmer within her, though, and she would be misleading if she did not admit to at least that much.

She supposed it had to do with the fact that, while she had not obtained what she had desired, she at least knew the feelings were mutual. She had much more than an ice cube's chance in hell. Either that, or she was one lucky ice cube.

"I'll let you two tell Andy you're coming, then," Alex quipped, sipping her drink again, though much more slowly and controlled that time.

"You gonna bring a date, Ali?" Charlie asked. "I haven't heard you talk about anyone."

Alex shrugged. "It's my last year in the state, Charlie. I figured it was best to not start anything."

"But it's New Years. At least bring someone along who you can fuck later."

Casey playfully smacked Charlie's arm. "Charlie," she admonished with a small smile. "Stop."

"Aw, come on, Casey. We all know Ali likes 'em when she can have them, not too clingy, and certainly never anyone who would be with her constantly. She goes through more a month than I've ever before seen."

"Oh?" Alex asked with a smile. "When was the last time you saw me date?"

Charlie frowned. "You know, now that you mention it, it's been over a year. What changed? Did Casey show you religion?"

"Charlie, stop. I'm not comfortable-"

"I would settle down with the right person. It just so happens, we haven't dated yet," Alex interjected, her eyes carefully remaining on Charlie despite her urge to flick them to Casey and check her reaction.

"So hopeful."

"Indeed," Alex agreed. "Can we help you get settled into your apartment, then?" Casey visibly relaxed when Alex changed the subject. Alex did not expect that the tension between Charlie and herself would vanish in that day. In fact, she expected it to only grow because a part of her would earnestly be fighting for Casey's heart, not just her friendship. But, if he was good to Casey and took his medications, Alex could bite her tongue, though not pleasantly.

"No. I think I'll be just fine. But, thank you. Do the two of you have plans for tomorrow night?"

Alex raised a brow to Casey who shook her head. "Guess not," Alex said. "Why?"

"I don't want to interrupt plans, but I would like to take Casey out properly before we go clubbing. Honey, you've dealt with so much, and I'm so sorry you have. I can't begin to make it up to you, but I'd like you to let me try."

Casey flushed. "I'd like to go out," she said with a bright smile. Alex was much more cautious than Casey who seemed to have banked on the idea that Charlie's medications would make him better, that he had hurt her because he had been off his meds. It made her a very trusting woman, a trait Alex found sweet but made her ever more protective of her law school companion. Alex was the opposite. She was very untrusting, saw how others could not only betray her but everyone else. The two women had a great deal of similarities, but their opposites were marked.

"I'll pick you up at five thirty, then," Charlie murmured, kissing Casey delicately. Alex resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"Great," Casey murmured. "Um, I guess I need a few more clothes, Ali. When we drop Charlie off, can we pick some up?"

"Sure, hot shot," Alex murmured.

"Why not now? I love spending time with you, Case, but I need to clean the apartment up, and I'd like to take a long, hot bath myself."

Casey laughed, rubbing her finger under Charlie's eyes. "And catch up on sleep. You've got bags," she purred.

Outside, at the car, Casey let Charlie climb into the back of the car before climbing in the front seat. "Uh, uh," Alex chided, holding out the keys. "You keep complaining that you haven't had enough practice driving." She held the keys out the red head who snatched them up with a grin.

"Uh oh," Charlie teased, making a show of clinging to the seats since the back seat was not actually a seat in Alex's car.

"Shut up," Casey said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not that bad."

"You haven't wrecked my car yet," Alex chuckled, leaning back on the car. Casey stepped forward without seeming to realize it, standing between Alex's legs for just a moment. It was Alex who noticed, and, laughing, she collapsed into the passenger seat, closing the door behind her before, she hoped, Charlie noticed. With the weather, the hard top was on her convertible which meant they could not hop as they had become accustomed to doing that summer. Alex closed the door behind her, leaning over the center console to open Casey's door for her.

"You keeping something from me, Cabot?" Charlie asked before Alex had a chance to open the door.

"No," Alex said looking in the back briefly at the man. She kept her hand on the handle. "And, Charlie, I don't advise throwing around accusations. Not right now. Wait a few weeks if you must." Alex pushed open the door, Casey grabbing the door and leaning down.

"You two talking about me?" Neither man nor woman answered, and Casey slid in the car with a shrug. She started the engine and pulled away from the coffee shop. "Fine. Plead the fifth."

"We will," Alex said with a bright grin. "General rule, Casey, always take the fifth."

"Sh, don't tell people that. We want them to talk."

Shaking her head, Alex buckled herself in and leaned back in her seat. "Whatever you say."

It did not take them long to drop Charlie off and pick the rest of Casey's clothes up. In truth, the red head did not have much at Charlie's, and Alex had believed her to have had more before she moved in with him. They left her dresser there as a show of good faith, of Casey wanting to live with her boyfriend again sometime in the near future. It seemed to relax Charlie's worries, and though Alex was not going to reassure him, she did not tell him, either, that his worries were valid. "A gentle touch," she told him, "will win out in the long run over a harsh fist." She only hoped he would heed that. Alex did not doubt that Charlie loved Casey. Her doubt was that the physical assaults were not entirely because of the disease. Or, if they were, that Charlie would slip again, as many with mental illness were prone to doing. Alex had no doubt that Adam would slip if he were not condemned to a mental health facility for attempted murder.

"New episode of Xena tonight," Alex murmured. "Hercules after. Wanna make sandwiches for dinner and picnic in the living room."

"We're so American, aren't we?" Casey said as she sloughed her bag from her shoulders and onto the couch. "Alex, are you angry with me?"

"No, honey, why would I be?" Alex asked, pulling break from the pantry and sandwich meats from the fridge. Stopping, she turned and looked at the red haired woman leaning on the door frame. "Did you do something?"

Casey pushed off the door and walked silently over to the counter, pulling plates from the cupboard above her. "I didn't tell Charlie we kissed."

"He knows you spent the day flirting."

"I was not flirting," Casey exclaimed, looking appropriately horrified.

Alex smirked, spreading a little mayonnaise over four slices of bread. "Charlie asked about it, you know?"

"Really? He asked if I was flirting with you?" Casey grabbed the lettuce and a tomato from the fridge, handing them to Alex.

The blond shook her head. "He just asked if anything was going on he needed to know about. Trust me, that's a guy's way of asking if you and I are up to something."

"Are we?" Casey asked, peeling two leaves of lettuce and adding one each to the sandwiches.

Alex looked to Casey, her fingers still propped on the tomato she had begun cutting, the knife slack in her other hand. "You told me this morning that we were not."

Casey sighed. "I don't know any more," she whispered. "My stomach does flips, has done for the past year. But -" She trailed off, sighing. "I'm confused."

"I know," Alex whispered, a hand on Casey's shoulder as she pressed their foreheads together. "You let me know, though, whatever your choice is. And, whatever it is, you are still my best friend. Don't let the fear of losing me as a friend make your choices for you."

Nodding, Casey hugged herself. After a few seconds, Casey let herself wrap her arms around Alex, holding the other woman to her. "I love Charlie, Alex. I do." Casey bit her lip.

"I know you do, hot shot. And, that's okay. All I want for you is happiness," Alex murmured. Setting the knife down, she moved Casey, her hands on her hips, leaning against the counter. Casey slid easily between Alex's legs, Alex's hands around her hips holding them close. Pressing her face into Alex's hair, Casey held her friend, arms pressed against her back so that from behind, she clutched at her friend's shoulders.

Quietly, Alex pushed Casey's hair aside, her lips finding her soft neck. Casey's head drooped, exposing more of her neck to the blond's attention. After a few seconds, though, she seemed to realize what she was doing, her hand abandoning Alex's back for her hair, wrapping the fine strands around like a curtain. She used the curtain of hair to prevent Alex from getting to her neck. "I can't, Ali."

"Why not?" Alex asked, her fingers covering Casey's hand, untangling them from her hair. "I won't kiss you if you don't want me to, I promise. Just stop looking at me like you're afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you," Casey protested.

"Uh huh. You don't look like you think I'm some sort of rabbit."

"Kitten," Casey said. "With claws. I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of my response to you. I mean, it's been there for a long time, but this morning. This morning was like acknowledging it, having you acknowledge me in that way. And, that's different and scary. It changes everything."

"Doesn't change who you are," Alex protested. "Casey, if you like women as well as men, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that."

Casey nodded. "I know you believe that," she murmured. "And, I want to believe you're right, but I don't know if I want that because that's fact or because since I'm a deviant, I want the easiest course in acceptance."

Laughing, Alex pushed Casey away from her, walking her back until Casey was pressed with her back flush against the wall. "This is the easiest course?" she asked, her hands running down Casey's arms, their bodies flush to the other. "Because, let me tell you something about taking a woman anywhere on your arm. At best, people ignore you. At worst." Alex bit her lip. "At worst, my own brother tried to kill me."

"What else?" Casey asked. "What else happened to you because you've put your tongue in another woman's mouth?"

"Oh, that sounds harsh," Alex answered. "But, um, my parents don't care who I date or when. The high school I went to was a little different. I was dating this one gal from my math class in my sophomore year, and one of the guys in class was homophobic. He could not intimidate me, so he opted to intimidate her which involved six stitches under her right eye one Friday after school."

Casey gasped, coiling slightly, though the pressure of Alex's body disallowed too much movement. "Jesus," she hissed. "Why?"

"Not everyone prays for the salvation of sinners," Alex said. "You're so angelic, Casey. You really are."

"Grew up under a rock," Casey sang. "I can't help it. But, it can't be that bad. You've had to care for some of the people you've dated."

"Dated, yes, but I've had my share of one night stands, too. I'm not like you, Casey. I don't wait for love and marriage."

"No, but neither do most people. Is it wrong because it's tradition to wait or is it right because the majority of the people do it?"

"And, you said philosophy was never your best subject."

"Out of curiosity," Casey said, her voice slow. "Which am I to you?"

"I'm not using you, Casey," Alex said, brushing the tips of her fingers over Casey's porcelain skin. "I know you said no, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to be this close to you and not taste you? Not now that I've had one." She moved closer to Casey, their lips just barely a hair's width apart. "Tiny." Alex pressed her lips against Casey's in a chaste kiss. "Nibble."

Casey's fingers went to Alex's hair, holding her head still while she pressed her lips against the blond's again. "Kiss me," Casey mumbled into Alex's mouth. "And don't stop." Complying, Alex's hands went to Casey's hips, sliding back under Casey's buttock and forcing her legs apart. Casey followed the pressure, spreading her legs, letting out a startled gasp, movements that allowed Alex to not only deepen the kiss but to pick Casey up.

Long legs wrapped around Alex's slender waist, hands grabbing at her back, her shirt in a bunches at each of her shoulder blades. Alex ran her tongue over every bump in Casey's mouth, pushed her tongue back and down so she could get closer, learn more about her taste. Casey moaned into her mouth, fingers pulling and twisting the fabric they clung so desperately to, Alex's shirt sliding up her back until Casey's fingernails found flesh. Alex moved to Casey's neck, grunting at the scrape of nails on skin as she kissed, bit, licked, and sucked at Casey's pristine neck, knots in her stomach and heat in her groin. Casey ground against her hips, her back arching. It took several seconds for Alex to realize Casey was panting, every exhale Alex's name broken into two syllables.

When Alex finally set Casey's feet back on the floor, there was a light ring of red marks like a smile across her neck, and the red head was weak on her feet. Those marks that had been Alex's first assault on Casey's white neck were already dark, bruises affectionately called hickies, marks of possession. The newer ones were quickly getting darker. Casey's head lolled against Alex's shoulders, her arms loose around Alex's neck. "Oh, God," she whispered, her lids fluttering as she cried.

"You're okay, Casey. It's gonna be okay," Alex said, petting Casey's hair, smoothing it over her head and down her back.

Shaking and crying, Casey shook her head. "It's not," Casey whispered. "It really changes everything."

"How, Casey?"

"I can't bring a woman home, Alex," Casey mewled. "I just can't." She pushed away from Alex, turning from the kitchen and racing out of the apartment.

"Casey," Alex called, flying after her, yanking the apartment door closed behind her as she pulled her shirt back down. "Wait. Come back. It's too cold outside. You'll catch your death."

By the time Alex hit the street, Casey was fading beneath the street lights a good two blocks down, hanging a left. She had always been the sprinter of the two. Alex could run distances, and, if pushed, so could Casey, but the red head could sprint in ways that Alex could never keep up with. The blond screamed wordlessly into the darkness, her frustration bubbling over and spilling out.

"Casey, stop running," she yelled. Turning, Alex ran back up the stairs to her apartment, grabbing the keys to her car. She had a pretty decent thought in her head that Casey was going to go to the cathedral down the street. It had become one of Casey's favored haunts, and Alex was sure that was where the red head would go.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Shorter chapter tonight; nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it. Casey is definitely fighting herself on this one. :)**

**Ah, and you find out Casey's 'secret' that she danced around. Granted, I don't think any of us would really consider it a secret, but Casey's bubble has not yet been popped. I'm writing this as who she was before she was a badass prosecutor and red head we all love. Though, she eventually blossoms into that. Why? Because Casey is amazing, that's why. (Alex is, too. I have a hard time deciding which character I like best.)**

**Reads and reviews always well enjoyed and appreciated. **

**(20)**

Indeed, Casey was at the cathedral, curled up against the back door in the fetal position, crying. Alex sat before her on her knees, unsure whether or not to touch her. Initially, Casey had crawled backwards, away from Alex when the blond had touched her shoulder, letting Casey know that she was not alone in the darkness. "Casey, come back to the apartment with me where it's warm."

"I can't," Casey whispered.

"What happened that you're so afraid? There's no way that being a good Catholic girl would incite this kind of reaction."

"How do you know?" Casey snapped, her voice still soft. "You're not Catholic."

"No, I'm just a whore."

"You're not the one with two different people's tongues down your throat in one day. I'm the fucking whore, Alexandra." Casey seemed about as surprised by her outburst as Alex was, the blond so taken aback that she sat back, hand tucked against herself as though burned. Casey went ghost white, as though to prove that she were not pale enough before hand, she seemed to glow with how translucent that statement had made her become. It was that, though, which told Alex the statement was probably the crux of Casey's issue that day. That did not mean there was not more issues the red head must eventually deal with and either reject to her misery or accept to the unknown, but it was the issue for that moment.

Shaking her head, Alex touched Casey's knee. "You're not a whore, Casey," she murmured. "You are, however, unfairly hard on yourself."

"Am not," Casey argued. "I've been just as hard on myself as I ought to be. I haven't been behaving like an appropriate woman in over a year now, Ali."

"Well behaved women rarely make history," Alex quoted, tucking Casey's hair behind her ear. "Who says you're not acting like a woman, anyway?"

"My father would kill me," Casey murmured. "Not to mention my mother. That I've even kissed anyone, she would classify me in with Steph. If she found out I kissed you." Casey shook her head. "I love my older sister, but she and my mother don't get along at all. My dad's interactions with her are minimal at best. And, she really does not come around for family gatherings. Even my brothers who are less than Catholic come around for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Not Steph."

Alex licked her lips. Casey's dodgy eye movement when she had mentioned how her mother would react to her having kissed Alex told the blond that she was speaking of something not unusual, of something that she knew factually. If she were simply afraid of the judgment of others, she had the tendency to meet Alex's eyes when telling her of such things. That she absolutely refused to told her that she had seen her mother judge someone else actively as opposed to passively in regards to homosexual behavior. And, since they were talking about Stephanie, the soon to be law school graduate simply put two and two together. "Casey, is your sister straight?" she asked, her voice low as she crawled closer, moving the red head until she could sit between Casey's knees.

"No," Casey mumbled. "When I was eleven, she brought over her friend, Lisa. It was only when I went to fetch them for dinner that I realized they were dating." Alex stayed silent, stroking Casey's hair, combing through the knots from her running. "I walked in to the room to Lisa pulling Steph's shirt off, sucking on her neck." Casey's fingers touched the hickies Alex had left behind. "I rushed to tell them dinner was ready and fled. Papa asked what was wrong with me when I went back to the kitchen. When I wouldn't tell him, he went into Steph's room without knocking. I love my father, Alex, but he dragged Steph out of our bedroom by the wrist so hard he left bruises. It was the last time Lisa ever came over. My father forbid her from coming over again and forbid Steph from seeing her."

"Did that work?" Alex asked quietly.

Casey shook her head. "No. Steph still went to Lisa's house. Lisa's parents knew but didn't care. They were like yours. Lisa was part of why Steph kept getting into trouble, just the small stuff. Curfew violations, trespassing, that kind of stuff. But Steph clung to her. Kind of like-" She fished for the right words before sighing. "Like how I cling to you." That last bit was whispered, as if she were ashamed. "Lisa was Steph's first chance at the world outside of nightly mass, prayers before bed, and the house. I love my parents. Don't look so horrified. They're good people, good to us, but above all else, my mother is religious. God, then country, my father says."

Carefully, Alex worked to control her face. "So, Lisa got Steph into trouble with the law like how I get you into trouble with your doctrine?" Casey nodded. "Steph does the horse training now, right?"

"Yea," Casey mumbled nodding. "Her partner Jessica runs the ranch. I'm the only one who knows their seeing each other, though. I mean, if two women could get married, I think they would be."

"You're afraid of what happened to her happening to you."

"I don't know what I'd do without my family, Alex, I really don't. They mean the world to me, and though Steph doesn't say it does, it effects her. It's not like we shunned her. It's just my parents that say they don't want to talk to her while she's still living with those life choices." Casey bit her lip. "I asked Steph one day why she wouldn't just date men and make our parents happy."

"It's not a choice, Casey," Alex murmured. "We like who we like because it's just who we are."

"She spent the summer between sixteen and seventeen in a camp of sorts, I guess. One of those places that are supposed to turn gay people straight. It was after that when Steph frequently got into more trouble. I mean, it was sparse before that, but after, it was like she acted out just to act out. God, Alex, you have no idea how many times I begged her to just be straight before our parents kicked her out of the house, the first Novak child to be thrown out."

"Casey, honey, you can support yourself, and you're already not living with your parents. What more can they do to you?"

The red haired woman looked to Alex with wide eyes. "They're my parents, Alex. They mean everything to me. I could not imagine not being able to call them or see them or go to family gatherings. And, the things people in church might say about us, about them? Two daughters who run off with women? Alex, what about Kennedy? She's eight. She's just a little girl, but I know my parents. If I tell them about this, about -" She touched her neck, her lids dropping in fondness as she traced over the dark red marks. "They'll try to fix her without knowing if she's broken. Kennedy may never like women. She might. I don't know. Kennedy doesn't know. But, her life does not need to be made all the more difficult because of Steph and me."

"Why do you need to tell your parents, Casey?"

"Really, Alex?" Casey barked. "Really? Have you thought about that question at all because I have. How do I explain to them that I don't want to get set up on a date with some guy my age from church when I go visit them without telling them that not only am I with someone but I cannot bring her over because she's a woman and I'm terrified of what my father would say to her or what my parents would say to me after? How do I explain the possibility that I won't ever be married or give them grandchildren?"

"Do you want kids?" Alex asked, her head down as she studied her hands.

"That's beside the point," Casey snapped, curling tight in a ball again, leaning away from Alex. "Whether or not I want children does not matter. It is what is expected of me."

"And, Charlie?" Alex asked. "Do you love him? You don't need to love me, Casey. I get that. You and I don't have to ever do anything again. I told you that already once, but if that's not something you want, then you need to let me know. You are still my best friend. You always will be."

"I love Charlie, Alex," Casey asserted. "I do. I understand he's not perfect, but neither am I. Neither are you. I want to be with him, Ali. Not intimately, not yet, but he's -" She struggled for the word, her mouth working in silence.

"Safe," Alex finished. "He's safe because your parents could accept him. You can accept him. You can accept what you feel with him." Standing, Alex cupped Casey's cheek for a mere moment. Casey's eyes fell, tears squeezing from behind her lashes. "I'll back off Casey. I will. Because no matter how right it feels for me, if it doesn't feel right for you, then it's not right. I value your friendship far more than anything else between us. I'll be in the car when you're ready."

Casey looked up at Alex, her fists clenching and unclenching as she trembled. "Cuius est solum eius est usque ad coelum et ad infernos," Casey mumbled.

"I don't own you. Neither does Charlie." Casey touched her neck. "That's not ownership. That's wishful thinking. You own you. Besides, what you said, that's civil," Alex countered. The look on her face was soft. It was not pity. Pity was for strangers and people Alex felt nothing else towards. The look she gave Casey was one that could only be reserved for the woman for Alex had never used it with anyone else. It was sheer and utter compassion. It was open and vulnerable, and she knew in that moment that Casey could break her, shatter her beyond repair. But, in that moment, she did not know whether or not to build the walls around herself that would not only protect her from the outside but also from Casey.

"Isn't it always?" Casey asked. "Who but the God fearing make this kind of shit criminal?" On the other hand, Casey just looked broken. She looked as though someone had already caught her, netted her, and torn out her heart. In those last few seconds of life, Casey watched her hopes and dreams shatter. Something inside her was desperately broken. And, Alex was damned, but she did not understand what. She imagined it to be the same something that made her so willing to go back to Charlie even though he hurt her and Alex was sure he would hurt her again. It had to be the same something, too, that made her push away from Alex, coil that intimate part inside of her, trapped and caged, but still with that struggle to be free. That which had broken was whatever Casey was, her expression of herself, whomever it might be. And, it was terribly heart breaking to see that little thing inside Casey flutter around like some bird with a broken wing.

"You're right about that, Casey," Alex murmured. "Only he who fears punishment creates crime. We're not all that civilized after all."

"Unjust punishment," Casey argued, sitting up, propping her chin on her knees as Alex stood above her. "We're bound by that which makes us stronger than those that wish to hurt us."

"So, you've exchanged one good thing for the lesser of two evils?" Alex made it a question.

Chewing at her lip, Casey nodded. "Where I stand, Ali, I have my cake."

"Then just be my friend."

"When that's not enough?"

"For you or for me?" Casey did not answer, only stared without expression at her companion. "You're the more disciplined of us, but I will never force anything on you." Alex shook her head.

"I know that," Casey said. "How do you make this kind of thing go away?"

Alex shrugged. "You don't, hot shot. It either stays and you learn to live with it and ignore it or it goes away which means it wasn't real in the first place."

"And, if this isn't real?"

"Then we get to deal with the heart ache after when we figure out that it wasn't real even though we wish it were. Sometimes finding out what we want most is not what we really had is a greater heartache than having something we don't want."

Casey nodded. "Makes sense, I guess. So, does it get easier the more it happens?"

"No, I don't think so," Alex answered. "But, I think it's hardest when it is real."

"Why?"

"Because it's what you want. People never know how to behave when they have what they want." Alex sighed, looking out into the parking lot, eyes and ears alert. "Come on, let's go. It's too late and too cold to be out here, we can keep talking in the apartment if you want."

"Sounds familiar," the red head mumbled in regards to Alex's explanation of having what a person wanted. She sighed, eyes dropping to the ground a moment before she looked back up to her companion; Casey smiled. "Thanks, Alex."

"For what?"

"Knowing more than I do."

Alex laughed. "It's a very good rouse, isn't it?"

"You fooled me." Casey flashed a grin, taking Alex's hand and letting the blond pull her standing. The red head followed Alex to the car, sliding into the passenger seat and buckling herself in. "How is it that you always wind up fetching me from myself?"

"You need a guardian, Casey. That's all."

"So, what? Now you're trying out for the position of guardian angel?" Casey's question was asked with a bit of a light tone to it. She was trying both to change the subject and lighten the mood, anything to get away from the nauseating questions swarming inside of her head.

Alex giggled, starting the car and pulling out of the empty church parking lot. "Do I really need to audition? I kind of think I've been doing it long enough you could just grandfather me into the position."

"I guess, if you insist."

"I do," Alex said, pulling into the apartment complex parking lot. The run had not been a long one from the complex, and the drive was even shorter. For several long, silent minutes, though, they both sat in the car, the engine cooling, in the complex parking lot. "Casey, are you going to be okay?"

"No," Casey answered, honestly. "Maybe in the morning."

"Maybe," Alex mumbled, unbuckling herself and getting out of the car, swinging her keys in her hand. "I'll take the couch tonight if you want."

"No," Casey answered. "I- No. Please. If one of us has to sleep somewhere other than the bed, then I should sleep on the couch."

"What would you prefer?" Alex asked.

"You to hold me," Casey mewled, wrapping her arms about herself. "Denial is much more comforting than reality."

"Only until we see that the damage is the same," Alex chided, following her friend up the stairs and to her apartment. Casey took the keys from Alex and opened the lock. She tossed the keys on the table by the couch and stared around the apartment. Gently, Alex closed the door behind them, leaning against the wood as she watched Casey stare, her eyes unusually vacant, as though she were looking around a different room in a different house with different memories. Or, perhaps, Alex thought, she was remembering the apartment before they had kissed, crossed a bridge that could never be uncrossed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Casey mumbled, grabbing her bag from the couch. "I'm going to hang up my clothes."

"Alright. Want some tea?"

"Yea. Thanks." Casey vanished into the bedroom and Alex into the kitchen, cleaning up their failed dinner and setting the kettle on the stove.

While she waited for the water to boil, Alex prepared two cups with tea bags, honey, and sugar as each woman drank their tea. As per usual, she finished preparations before the pot boiled, and she sat up on the counter waiting, her feet kicking lightly in the air. In waiting, she promptly lost herself in her mind, tumbling over the long day, the long months she had spent trying to ignore the images in her head.

"Alex," Casey said as she padded into the kitchen. The blond looked up. Tension thrummed through the room, and neither woman was able to quite put her finger on what the cause of the tension was. In part, it was sexual, and both women could feel that. It made Casey cringe. It made Alex sad. In part, too, it was the kind of tension that arose when wild things became captive. Not quite anger or distaste, but a pent up energy yearning to get out. It was that energy that kept Casey firmly in the door way as Alex watched her under lowered lids.

"What's up, hot shot?" Alex asked, holding out her hand. As if it were some sort of gesture of truce, a magic wand to be waved over the whole ordeal, some of the tension ebbed, and Casey stepped forward, taking Alex's hand and coiling up beside her, one arm looped around Alex's midsection. "You don't look like you feel well."

Casey shook her head. "I'm fine. Don't give me your getting sick lecture again."

"Not that kind of not feeling well, Case," Alex murmured.

Shrugging, Casey abandoned Alex for the whistling kettle. "You mean nauseous to the core?" she quipped with a small smile as she poured the tea. "Yea, I've got that. But it'll be fine. You?"

Alex took a cup from Casey, stirring the tea bag around in the water. "It'll pass."

"You're accustomed to it?"

Alex laughed. "Would you feel better if I said I was?" she asked.

Biting her lip, Casey looked down. "I don't know," she whispered.

"At least you're being honest."

"What's the truth?" Casey asked, sitting on the counter beside Alex, her own tea cup cradled in her hands like a cross. She traced the lip of the cup with her thumb, humming softly without really realizing that she was. It was tuneless, an instinctual sound, nothing Alex had heard before in a song or from anyone else. It was, if Alex had to account for it, the sound of someone who had never been exposed to music.

Setting her cup down, Alex stroked her finger over Casey's cheek. "Truth?" Casey nodded. Alex fanned her fingers over Casey's skin, closing her eyes. She heard Casey gasp as her pads crossed her neck. "I'm not accustomed to being turned down."

"I think I noticed," Casey murmured with a smile. "What about heart ache?"

"That," Alex said with a frown, "I am accustomed to." Shaking her head, Alex dumped the rest of her tea into the sink and slid from the counter. "I'm going to bed."

"Alright. I'll be in in a few minutes." Frowning, Casey watched Alex leave and disappear into the bedroom. Sighing, she took her tea cup and headed into the living room, picking a book from the shelf. Flopping on the couch, she opened what wound up being a book on the philosophy of religion – something she did not find surprising in Alexandra's apartment – to the first page and settled in, trying to absorb what she was reading.

It took about an hour of reading the first paragraph over and over again for Casey to realize that it was hopeless. She shivered in the dim light of the apartment, returning the book to its place on the shelf, now cold tea cup cradled against her chest. Sighing, she fingered the little colored chakra stones Alex had set up on one of the shelves as decoration. She picked up the green stone, turning it over in her hands, trying to remember what Alex had taught her. "Anahata," she mumbled, "the sound created when two things do not strike each other."

Peace and the higher self reigned over the chakra as opposed to the designations of desires and emotions that went unfulfilled. It was also dictated by touch, and Casey curled the tiny stone in her hand as she padded to the kitchen, setting her cup in the sink.

Changing into her pajamas was quick and easy, and she did not notice the stone was still in her hand as she crawled under the covers and lay alongside Alex, her body flush to her friend's. "How do you tolerate me?" she asked of the sleeping woman, her voice a whisper. "I can scarcely stand myself."

As Casey expected, Alex did not answer. The red head curled up against her temporary roommate, falling asleep surprisingly easily in the nest of Alex's arm.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Reward for your patience? Well, alright. :) **

**(21)**

They fell into an uneasy rhythm over the course of the next few days. It was more awkward at the apartment, where they bumped into each other, fingers brushed the backs of hands as they reached across each other in what had once been a comfortable friendship. Their friendship had not changed. There was something new in the room, though, and neither woman had the experience to deal with it. Alex was friendly with a handful of her exes, not all, but they were not exes. It was incredibly clear, too, that they were both reacting to the touches, the glances, the accidents, and the not-so accidents.

Casey dated Charlie properly, though, with Alex her guiding factor. At the end of the week, Charlie tried to get Casey to move back in, but the red head had told him that she would not. The next thing out of her mouth was her asking Alex if she could still say or if she needed to get an apartment. Alex had opted to leave that to Casey's comfort level saying only that Casey would always be welcome. Casey had opted to stay. Her choice was met with feelings of conflict on both sides. One one hand, Alex was glad Casey wanted to stay. At the apartment, she knew Charlie was not hitting her, that she was safe every night, and that she was eating appropriately, all things she had not known while Casey was living with her boyfriend. On the other hand, she was close to the one woman she wanted and could not have, and she knew that Casey wanted her, too. Neither woman had denied that much. There was mutual attraction, and, whether or not Casey could accept that she was attracted sexually to a woman, she was attracted to Alex.

Yet, true to her word, Alex had tried to move past her feelings for Casey. A few weeks was not enough time, though, and she found that she had taken to showering more frequently solely to give herself space from the red head. Casey's solution was that she took longer and longer runs when she went, picked up extra hours at the cafe, and studied at the library at the college. By the time February hit, they had a routine down where the tension built up in the apartment to an unbearable point wherein Alex would either leave or go shower and, while she was in the shower, Casey would disappear, especially if Alex's now famous forty minute showers were not enough time for the red head to feel comfortable.

It was tense over all, but it was also comfortable and easy. The conflict was killing Alex slowly but surely. At least, though, she was good at putting on a politician's mask and covering it up until it burbled over and became too much. But, then, alone time was good. After a month of this, Alex's landlord simply added Casey to the lease as it was assumed the woman was not going to leave. In fact, their landlord was under the impression that Alex had settled down since the arrival of Casey seemed to place only those two women at the apartment. Or, if others were there as well, both women were usually in attendance. Plus, it was only a one bedroom. It seemed the most natural of conclusions.

Usually, Alex stayed up to wait for Casey to return from her dates with Charlie, and it just so happened that one night late February was no exception to that rule. Granted, Alex was curled up in bed, the lights off, though not sleeping but listening for Casey's key to turn in the lock, for the two to say goodbye and then for Casey to curl up beside her, a warm and familiar weight at her back. Habit dictated that, then, Casey would whisper, "I know you're awake," and Alex would smile as Casey's hand rested on Alex's hip, the blond's hand atop that. They would fall asleep like that, with Casey at Alex's back. But, always, they would wake up with Alex holding Casey close to her, the red head curled against Alex's stomach.

That night, though, Casey crouched before Alex, and even in the darkness, Alex could see the glint of moonlight in Casey's eyes. "What's wrong, hot shot?" Alex asked.

Casey wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Charlie and I got into a fight," Casey whispered. Alex scooted back in the bed and lifted the sheets, and Casey, still clad in her black evening dress, crawled in and coiled beside Alex's pajama clad form. In the silence, Alex waited for Casey to continue. The tension between Charlie and Alex had, too, grown, though they were civil to each other. Casey was not oblivious to such things, but had chalked it up to the confused melee of emotions swarming them. "He asked me again to move back in with them. He said he wanted things back the way they were."

Slowly, Alex stroked Casey's curled hair behind her ear, the curls so tight that they immediately fell back around her face. Normally, Casey straightened her hair, but she had been on a kick for a few days of putting the tight curls in her hair leaving ringlets that made her hair look a great deal shorter than it really was. "What did you say?"

"I told him that was why I still lived here. I don't want things back that way, with him off his meds. He swore that he would stay on them. He asked me to help him, Alex, by helping to remind him to take his meds." Casey stopped, chewing at her lip, her breath warm on Alex's chin and neck. "I told him he hardly liked me checking in with him when we went out, asking if he had taken his pills. He wouldn't want me to do it every day. Then, he went in on how I couldn't tell him what he would and would not like. Eventually, that became him accusing me of not being able to trust him, of not wanting to spend time with him any more, and of me making the relationship fall apart."

Alex exhaled. "Casey, you know that's not true, right?"

"I know. I want to spend time with him, but not every waking minute. We talked about that. I remember. It's not healthy for anyone to have that much control over when and where I go, even if it is well intentioned. I feel better knowing that I can be here and not have to worry. It was so uncomfortable for me to live with him. Not because I don't love him, but just because we're dating. You, okay, well I can't live with a man I'm dating. It's not proper. And, I told him that. He said you were filling my head."

Chuckling, Alex played with one of Casey's curls. "You're far too intelligent for me to fill your head. And, you're far too stubborn and willful. What was the outcome of the argument?"

"Charlie told me I needed to pick." Casey sounded both ashamed and terrified, as though she had already offended herself and she might also offend Alexandra.

"You'll have to spell that out for me."

"He wants me to move in or he wants to break up."

"What do you want?" Alex asked, voice soft and soothing as Casey's tears started afresh, accompanied by small, hiccuping sobs.

"Neither," Casey said. "I can't win."

"Do you lose?" Alex asked. Casey tilted her head in question. "In a relationship, it's okay to not win as long as you don't lose. You make sacrifices, so you don't always win. But, if you make the right sacrifices and you love and are loved in honesty by the person you're with, you don't lose, either. Does that make sense?"

Casey nodded. "Sure. A sacrifice for the greater cause." She shrugged. "I don't know if I lose, then. I'm not sure. How do I know?"

"That's one question you'll have to answer yourself, hot shot."

"You make me feel like such a little kid, Ali," Casey bemoaned, slumping against the blond. "You're such an ass." There was a light laughter in her tone, though, so Alex knew she was at least pulling herself together.

"I knew there had to be a reason you kept me around," Alex said with a smile. She ran her nails up and down Casey's arm a few times. "Alright, hot shot. Change into P.J's, and I'll got make us both some cocoa."

Casey groaned, rolling over and sliding out of the covers. "What would I do without you?" she asked, already wiggling her body out of the dress. She would still flush if Alex accidentally walked in on her while she was changing, but she was beginning to become more bold with the idea of other people seeing her change. Casey's bubble was disintegrating, and she knew it, but there were still several concepts she held fast to for the sake of comfort.

"You'd survive." Alex padded out of the room and into the kitchen, pouring milk into two mugs and microwaving them. Normally, she liked to heat the milk on the stove and mix in the chocolate that way, but that evening, they were both so very close to passing out that it seemed more reasonable just to give them something warm and comforting. It was almost a ritual if one of them had a bad day, then the other would make cocoa before bed, and they would drink it. Neither of them said anything. It was just something they fell into without planning or preparation. It was, like so many things, natural between them.

Carrying the mugs back into the bedroom, Alex found Casey curled up on Alex's side of the bed, the pillow pressed into her face, eyes closed, though her breathing was still not right for sleep. "Hey, bed hog," Alex teased, setting the mugs down on the bedside table before playfully pushing Casey over.

"I thought about it," Casey said. Alex's brow knit. "You said I would survive without you, and that might be true, but I don't think I would be this happy."

"You wouldn't have met Charlie," Alex observed.

Casey pursed her lips. "You mean you think I would be happier," the red haired student returned.

Pressing a cup into Casey's hands, Alex frowned. "I didn't say that."

"I wouldn't know you," Casey said with a sigh, taking a sip of the steaming liquid. "I would think I would be far less happy. And, Charlie doesn't make me unhappy."

"Okay," Alex said, not wanting to fight.

Casey scooted over in the bed so that their hips were touching, and she sighed. "You know, I think it would mean a lot to him if you gave him a second chance," she observed, biting at her lip. "He says it doesn't matter to him that you think of him only in terms of his mental illness, but I think it really bothers him."

"I don't think of him in terms of his mental illness, Casey," Alex protested. "I think of him in terms of the little bruises along your shoulders when you first moved in with me. I think of him in terms of how he holds your religious beliefs over your head. I think of him in terms of how he manipulates you and makes you feel less certain of your own wants and desires. I think of him in terms of when you come home in tears because he's not satisfied with you."

"You think of him like an abuser, Alex. He's not abusive." Alex looked deliberately away, sucking her lower lip between her teeth. If she did not do that, she might have burst. "Alex, you can't tell me you think he's abusive."

"I don't think, Casey," Alex murmured. "I know. I've been in those relationships."

"He's not. Maybe your exes were, but, Alex, he's not. I swear. He has trouble sometimes, and I know it's because of his mental illness, but that does not define him as a person. Pure abuse, though, that's the person. Charlie's just not like that. He's not."

"You know him better than I do," Alex conceded, knowing that she was going to lose that battle only because Casey would refuse any evidence Alex could offer.

"He's not," Casey whispered, staring at the liquid in her mug. "If he were hurting me, I wouldn't stay with him. It's just normal issues."

"Okay, honey," Alex purred, combing her fingers through Casey's curls. She gently took the cup from Casey's hands and, leaning over the woman, put the mug on the nightstand, turning out the bedside lamp. "Sleep well."

"Night, Lex," Casey mumbled, laying down, her body tight against Alex's. It was far from unusual for the red haired woman to cling like death to her blond friend, and there were nights where Alex would wake up in the middle of the night needing to use the bathroom and have to pry Casey off her. One night, she had to replace her body with a pillow, and Casey had still woken up, groggy and confused as to why Alex was not in bed and why she was clutching a pillow.

Having become accustomed to being the sleeping mate of her friend, though, Alex no longer found it difficult to fall asleep, even when Casey's grip was just a little too forceful, as though she were fearful, even in her sleep, of losing her best friend. Combing her fingers through Casey's hair, Alex stared at the ceiling, waiting for Casey to fall asleep first. It had become habit for the blond, and, true to her word, Alex had not pushed the issue of their mutual attraction even when that meant chewing at her lip late at night, fuming over Charlie's treatment of Casey and a frustrating sexual attraction to her bed mate.

Casey groaned in her sleep, pushing herself up tighter against Alex's body, one arm thrown across Alex's stomach so that she was clinging to Alex's hip bone. Whimpering, Casey jerked, momentarily pulling Alex over the fitted sheet and hard into Casey's body. After a second, though, Casey's grip relaxed, and her arm fell slack over Alex's stomach. Alex knew the woman was having a nightmare, though she did not dare wake her, only stayed awake long enough to ensure that the nightmare was not too terrifying before drifting off herself.

When Alex woke the next morning, it was before Casey. At some point in the night, Casey had rolled over, and Alex had rolled with her such that they were both on their sides, pressed against each other. As with most mornings, Alex took a moment to appreciate the fact that Casey's body fit perfectly against hers before she slid away from her friend and out of the covers, already pulling her hair into a messy pony tail. Her friend's body might have fit along hers as if they were made to lay together like that, but that did not mean that it was going to turn sexual at any time. Alex was fully aware of that fact. Casey strove for what she considered normal. Alex just wished that Casey could see that what she considered to be normal was nothing close to the reality she was living with.

For one, Casey was living with a woman to whom, minus the whole sexual aspect of the relationship, she might as well have been married to considering how well they read each other and how their organization worked within the house. Other than when tensions grew too solid, they worked off each other in the way that couples did after several years of good communication and marriage did. To put things simply, they just flowed together.

For another, Casey was dating a man who was mentally ill despite taking medications to control it, who was at least still verbally abusive, and who could be physically abusive when not taking his medication. Casey might have sworn up and down that he was not abusive to her, but in Alex's mind, any man who made her cry the way Casey sometimes cried over Charlie was, at the very least, verbally abusive. But, then, Alex considered the level of manipulation that Charlie apparently attempted, and often succeeded, in using against Casey. For a future attorney, Casey just did not seem to have it in her to be mean.

Casey turned in her sleep, her hand falling on the empty side of the bed where she had become too accustomed to finding Alex. Her brown knit in her sleep, and Alex quietly knelt beside the bed, her arm stretched over the covers, fingers lacing just minutely in Casey's. "I'm here, Casey," she whispered. "It's okay."

Still asleep, Casey smiled, her knotted brow smoothing over as her fingers tightened in Alex's. In her sleep, Casey looked so utterly peaceful, as though there were never a care in the world for her. But, when she was awake, Alex knew, she seemed troubled and divided, stressed from balancing school and work and her personal life. Stressed from her personal life, too, Alex thought.

Folding herself on the bed, Alex sat beside Casey, legs crossed, stroking Casey's hair for several minutes until the blond moaned, scooting around in her sleep, her head sliding from the pillow to Alex's knee, and, as Casey settled, eventually into Alexandra's lap. With a sigh, the older of the two women brushed Casey's hair from her face, fanning it out over her folded legs. Casey promptly messed the display, though, as she wrapped her arms up and around Alex's waist so that she was laying on her stomach, hugging Alex.

"You're too fucking adorable," Alex muttered, chuckling softly. "I wish I could get over you, but it's kind of hard to do when you're in my lap all the time." She sighed, shaking her head. "This would be a lot easier if we didn't see each other, at least not as much. But, then, I'd miss you too much."

As if in response, Casey rubbed her face against Alex's thigh as if trying to get comfortable, her hands adjusting around Alex's body. "Five more minutes, Bobby," Casey murmured. "It's a good dream."

Smiling, Alex traced Casey's jaw. "Oh?" she asked. "What's it about?"

"I'm happy," Casey murmured, her words thick with sleep. Alex grinned. The woman had answered the question in her sleep, her brain believing that she was talking to her older brother.

"Happiness is good to dream about," Alex murmured, her voice low and soft. "What's making you so happy in the dream?"

"Alex," Casey mumbled, burying herself deeper against the blond in question.

"Oh? Must be a special guy to make you happy."

"She is," Casey slurred, her lips parting as she finished speaking, her breathing noisy, but not a snore.

Where Casey slept in peace and happiness, Alex was suddenly tormented. On one hand, she was warm, basking in the idea that whatever Casey was dreaming about, it involved Alex and it made her happy. On the other, she knew she would not be permitted to breech the conversation in Casey's waking minutes because they had already sworn that they would not. But, then, Alex did not know how long their emotions could go without being discussed in depth and totality. They had been able to cope for the most part with the tension because, at least for Alex, her friendship with Casey was more important.

Settling in for a long morning of sheer torment, Alex leaned back against the headboard, still stroking Casey's hair absently. "Five more minutes, then, hot shot," Alex murmured, her fingers tracing Casey's jaw line to her lips. Alex touched the tip of her finger to the space created between Casey's lips as she breathed. Even in sleep, Casey opened her mouth wider. Or, perhaps, it was better to say that only in sleep did she opened her mouth wider, letting Alex trace her pad over the bumps and ridges of her white teeth, her finger never leaving Casey's lip.

With a sigh, Casey closed her mouth around Alex's finger, still lost to the realm of her dream, almost automatically, sucking on the digit, her tongue curled around Alex's slender finger. It took a great deal of effort to withdraw her finger without making a strange sound as her stomach did flip flops. "Oh, Casey, hot shot, you so cannot do that, not even in your sleep. I'm gonna have to stop giving in to temptation."

Moaning, Casey turned in Alex's lap, doing a strange wiggle until Alex found herself half leaning against the headboard and half laying out on the mattress, Casey's head on her stomach, arms wrapped around her body, and legs entwined with hers. "God, I wish you were a lesbian," Alex purred, combing her fingers through Casey's hair. "I wish you could just fall in love with me."

Casey hummed as though in agreement, pressing her cheek into Alex's stomach. "Bobby, did you get the thing?"

"What thing, Case?" Alex asked, with a small laugh, the red head talking to her in her sleep again.

"The, you know. Before mom finds out."

"Oh, yea. I got that."

"Good. Lemme have it."

Alex laughed, the movement of her body stirring the red head to wakefulness. "Huh? Stop laughing. I was sleeping."

"I know," Alex mused, rubbing her hands over Casey's shoulders. "You were talking in your sleep."

Casey flushed. "About what?" she asked, looking ashamed.

With a Cheshire grin, Alex asked, "Why are you so nervous?"

Casey sat up on her knees, still between Alex's legs. "I don't know," she said, looking down at the blond. "Look at us. We wake like we're lovers or something." She reached forward and pulled Alex's shirt down to cover her stomach, the skin bare where Casey's movements had pushed it upwards.

"If by that you mean I'm your human body pillow," Alex teased, trying to ease the sudden, thick tension thrumming in the bedroom, "then, yes."

Flushing again, Casey looked studiously at her hands. "Sorry. It's just – I like – I – it's nice to have someone to hold me when I sleep. I get a lot of nightmares."

"I noticed. What's that about?"

Casey shrugged. "I have good dreams, too."

The Cheshire cat grin returning to her face, Alex nodded. "I noticed that, too."

Covering her face with her hands, Casey shook her head. "I'm so sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to talk in my sleep. It doesn't happen very often."

"No? Well, if it makes you feel any better, you were asking Bobby for something that he was supposed to get but you wanted to keep secret from your mom." Alex raised a brow. Casey shrugged with a shake of her head as if to say that she did not remember that part of her dream. The blond was not about to tell her friend that her sleeping slips had announced to Alex that the red head dreamed about her. Based on her reaction, Alex would say Casey already felt guilty enough about that. She was not about to feel responsible for adding shame to that list.

Casey played with her nails, picking at the skin around them and peeling it back. "Stop doing that," Alex murmured, pushing Casey over lightly with her foot.

Laughing, Casey sprawled over the bed. "Nervous habit."

"Do I make you nervous?" Alex asked, one hand on either side of Casey's chest as she leaned over her. Casey offered only a pointed look as if to say that Alex knew damn well she did. "Case, I have to know, are we ever going to talk about it?"

Casey sighed. "I'm going to marry an educated white man because that is what is expected of me, Alex. I'm not like you. I'm not this rebel princess marching into the unknown. I need the safety of my family, and my family would never – my mom would freak the fuck out if she knew I'd kissed you."

As Casey bit her lip, Alex sighed. "You wanted to say more. Why not say it?"

Casey shook her head, eyes closed. "I can't, Alex."

"What else happened to Steph, Case? Be honest."

"You mean other than the fact that my parents talk about her like she died in some freak accident? Like their beautiful daughter went off and got a fucking sex change, not was merely interested in being with women? Why is this the morning conversation?" Casey watched Alex carefully, her eyes widening in the silence between them. "Ali, what else did I say?"

"You said you were dreaming about me, and it made you happy," Alex whispered. "I know you feel guilty about the dream, and I didn't want to make you more upset by telling you what you said. Did you really dream about me?"

Casey went a shade of crimson so dark that it put her hair to shame. Her chest flushed with color as did her arms and stomach. "I dream about you a lot, Ali, both good and bad."

"Like what? What were you dreaming about earlier?"

Casey shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"No, come on. What was it about?"

"I'm hungry," Casey mused, looking at the doorway of the bedroom.

Alex sat back, giving the woman some space. "Does it really make you that uncomfortable to tell me?" she asked, not sure if she ought to feel saddened by the revelation or not. It would not be a surprise to her if the answer was yes, but it was still somewhat disheartening.

"I suppose not," Casey answered with a light shrug. "I just wonder why bother talking about the impossible anyway, even if it is but a dream."

"Because you're going to marry a good, well educated, white man who found God."

"Not necessarily who found God. But, Alex, really, what are we going to do? We're two girls. Even in Greece, women kept their mistresses on the side of the husband most frequently. I couldn't do that, not with you. Not with anyone."

Hugging herself briefly, Alex shook her head. "Why not?"

"Why can't I have an affair with a woman?" Casry's brows went up. "For one, Charlie would kill me if he found out. He would be so livid, Alex. I don't think you understand just how jealous he is of you."

At that, Alex had to smile. "I knew," she returned. "I just didn't think that you did. What are the other reasons?"

"My family would disown me. How do I tell an eight year old kid that she can't see both of her big sisters any more?" Alex had to concede. That was a good point.

"Do you have to tell them?"

"And, if they ask?" Casey retorted, frown crossing her unmarred features.

"Will they?" Alex challenged, brows arched high into her bangs.

Casey sighed.

"Moot point, then. So, you're back to Charlie not approving of me."

"Which is important to me, Alex."

"Yet, here you are, not only my best friend but my roommate," Alex pointed out, her tone observational and careful. She did not want Casey to think it was a subtle suggestion to move out. That was the last thing Alex wanted the woman to do.

Casey frowned. "Fine. Fine, Alex. I don't know. My heart and my head are torn, and it's not just between themselves." Casey was irritated, and it was showing in her tone. "I don't have a fucking clue. Everything about me says it won't last long."

"What do you want to do right now more than anything in the world between us?" Alex snapped, nearing the end of her proverbial rope. "Because, Casey, if we don't hash this out, I don't know how much longer I'm going to last before I do something that while I won't regret the act, the outcome will be a different story."

The response she got floored her almost literally. Casey's mouth crashed over hers with a wet, hot need that made Alex's pulse race. Casey's hands pressed into Alex's cheeks, drawing the woman closer to her, deepening the kiss, her tongue tracing Alex's teeth. Still, Alex did not respond the way Casey obviously wanted her to, though, because Casey growled in frustration, grinding her teeth against Alex's to the point where Alex yelped, jerking backwards. "Casey, what the hell?"

"You asked," Casey barked, brows knit in frustration. "I'm sorry you suddenly don't want a demonstration. What? Now it's okay to do your little song and dance as long as I'm asleep." Alex's eyes widened. "Yea. Oh, yea. I know. I've known. I wake up easy, Alex. We've shared a bed for how many weeks now, and you don't know that? Because I know if I touch your nose with my nail, you swat at me and if I walk my fingers down your arm, you'll turn to that side. I know when you have nightmares, you pull me to you and tuck your knees behind mine, and when I have nightmares, you stroke my hair and whisper in my ear. I know if I blow air in your ear, you pull the covers over your head. I know when you get too hot, you stick your foot off the end of the bed even if that means putting your leg over mine to do it."

Alex chewed the inside of her cheek. "I- I-" she stammered, her mouth working without her brain being able to catch up. "I had no idea you paid that much attention to me."

"You pay any less?"

Smiling flirtatiously, Alex lowered her head, looking up through her eye lashes at Casey. "You wanna play that game? What about when I wake up with your hands on my hips, between my pants and my skin, hot shot? Or when you mutter my name when I crawl in bed behind you. Or how you bite your lip before you wake up and moan in your sleep and how you feel around in the bed when I get out of the bed before you. That you like to wrap yourself up in the covers and I have to fight you for them around two o'clock in the morning every morning. That when you sleep on your stomach, you lay on your pillow and tuck your hands under your cheek. And, when you watch me when you come home from the cafe and think I'm taking a nap, so you lay down with me, but I'm awake. I just like you near me."

"Then why the fuck is it so hard to kiss me back?" Casey yelped, coiling the sheets in her hands and pulling the blanket up over her chest as she sat up.

Alex shook her head, slipping from the bed. "That's not it, Casey. Jesus fucking Christ, if it were a matter of wanting to kiss you or not, there would be no question. You're not asking for a sexual relationship from me, Casey. You're not that kind of girl. You're passionate and romantic, not really fuck buddy material."

"It's a kiss, Alex. Shit, I'm not even fucking Charlie."

"I know!" Alex yelled, her nails digging into her neck. "But, Casey, for women like you, it's not just a kiss. It's never just a kiss. You're an all in woman."

"If I were just a fuck buddy, would you have kissed me?" Casey asked, suddenly sounding small.

Alex shook her head. "No," she said, exhaling slowly as she stood up, leaving the bed and very nearly the bedroom, standing somewhat awkwardly in the middle of the room. "No, Casey, because that's not how I feel about you. I've met women and men that I just want to fuck and leave. But, with you, I wouldn't care if we never had a sexual relationship. I would rather be your friend than someone who I just had sex with."

Casey was not certain whether or not Alex was angry with her or just frustrated. It was clear that Alex was frustrated, but Casey was not sure whether or not that frustration and anger was directed at her or just in general. Scrambling out of bed, Casey touched her fingers to Alex's wrist. "Hey, Ali, I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry."

"Close your eyes, hot shot," Alex instructed, her voice soft. Casey followed the instruction, exhaling softly as Alex's fingers brushed her cheeks. Warm breath met her cheek, Alex's lips pressed up against her skin, soft and warm. Her lips moved to Casey's jaw, her teeth gently scraping over her skin as she nibbled. Tilting her head back, Casey groaned. Alex's fingers traced up Casey's stomach, tripping over the fabric of her shirt until she met with bare skin, continuing up Casey's neck to her mouth. Alex traced Casey's lips, freezing as Casey's tongue flicked out to meet her fingers. "Jesus, Case."

"The tension in this house is so thick you can cut it with a knife, Alex."

"You understand what you're suggesting?" Alex murmured, kissing a line down Casey's neck. The woman nodded. "Tell me. I want to make sure you understand."

"I'm asking for an affair, Alex."

"You swear to God you're not going to emotionally beat yourself up over this?"

"I make no promises about that, but I'll try."

"Your parents?" Alex asked. "Because I know you don't like to lie."

"I won't tell if you won't. God. Damn. It, Alex," Casey growled, "Kiss me." Casey felt Alex smile against her skin, her mouth moving around her neck, hands pulling her hair from her body, letting it fall over her shoulder. Whimpering as the blond's mouth found the top of Casey's spine, Casey's back bowed. "Oh, God, Ali."

Alex raked her nails lightly down Casey's arms to her finger tips, the red head breathing heavily in front of her. Lacing her fingers in Casey's, Alex pulled down slightly until Casey followed suit and knelt on the floor, her decent slow and controlled, Alex's mouth around her ear lobe.

Kneeling behind Casey, Alex wrapped her arms around Casey, kissing along her jaw line. Without warning, Casey moved her head, catching Alex's lips with her own. Alex planted small, soft kisses on Casey's lower lip, the red head's mouth slightly parted. She deepened the kiss easily, Casey moaning into her mouth as they met each other halfway, tasting and exploring each other's mouth.

"You sure you're okay?" Alex murmured as they parted.

Casey nodded. "Yea. You?"

Alex nodded. "I like holding you like this, Casey." Alex nuzzled her face into Casey's neck. "It feels good."

"I'm so fucked."

"Don't tart."


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: It's actually kind of fun bouncing between Casey's two relationships and seeing how she is different in each one, with Alex and with Charlie. I've little experience writing affairs, but it's proving amusing. I know the whole affair thing doesn't seem like Casey, considering the whole Catholic attitude she's taken up to this point, but I think it might ear mark how she's changing and becoming a little less conservative. I could see Alex agreeing to it if for nothing else than the ulterior motive to show Casey the difference between a healthy, consensual relationship and an unhealthy, destructive one. That, and, let's face it, kind of obvious that she wants to put in a play for Casey's affection. **

**As always, thanks for the reads and the reviews. I hope you continue to enjoy. And, as always, Steple, let me know what you're thinking. :) **

**(22)**

Sitting on the couch in Charlie's apartment, Casey laughed, tossing a kernel of popcorn at the man who had reemerged from the kitchen carrying two cans of soda. "What took you so long?" she teased, laughter still in her voice.

Charlie shot her a dark look, and, immediately, Casey went silent, staring into the bowl of popcorn on her lap. When her boyfriend handed her the soda, she, without looking up, thanked him softly. He sat down beside her, his arm over her shoulders. "Why are you acting so glum, Casey?" he asked her, his voice friendly. When she glanced over to him, he was smiling, his eyes dancing with a light that she rarely saw.

Licking her lips, Casey snuggled deeper against him, avoiding his eyes. "I'm not glum, Charlie," she said. "I promise. I'm glad we're having a movie night in. It's nice to just be alone." Charlie's fingers stroked Casey's shoulder where he held her against him. Closing her eyes, she focused on the sound of his heart beating against her ear and the rise and fall of his chest as her face rose and fell with it. His stomach gurgled, and she giggled.

"What was that for?" Charlie asked, managing to sound offended.

Casey frowned, her brow furrowed. "Your stomach's growling."

"How is that funny?"

"Uh," Casey murmured, her mouth working as she tried to think of an answer. "I don't know, Charlie. It just is. Are you hungry? Want popcorn?"

Charlie pushed Casey from him. "I'm fine," he said, folding his arms, though loose, across his chest in such a way that it became clear that he did not want Casey leaning on him again.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. I didn't mean to offend you." Casey bit at her lip as she leaned forward, setting the popcorn bowl on the table. "It's just that I -"

With a shrug, Charlie shook his head. "I don't care, Casey. You're a beautiful woman, but you say the stupidest shit sometimes."

"I'm sorry," Casey whispered, her head drooping.

Charlie sighed, pulling Casey to him again. "God, you're so pathetic. Just promise you'll try to watch what you say. You're going to need to learn for that internship you have this summer anyway."

Casey nodded, coiled against Charlie again, staring at his knees. She could not pay attention to the movie after that. She had not told Charlie about the little kisses she shared with Alex in the apartment they still shared. She had not told him that the tension in their house had decreased considerably, that she slept soundly beside the blond. She was still convinced that her being with Charlie kept him on his medications.

The week prior, he had been on the phone with his father, and he had put her on the phone with the man. Thomas Rhoads had been so thrilled that Charlie had found a woman who did not judge him for his illness. In an hour long conversation, he had told her how much better Charlie had been doing in the past year, almost since Casey had begun dating him. He had thanked her for the difference she was making in Charlie's life, and that added guilt had made it all but impossible for her to leave.

Suddenly, she felt responsible in the relationship. She loved him, yes. She was not unhappy in their relationship, but there had been added a new weight to it all. Not only had she added stones in keeping her relationship with Alexandra under wraps, Thomas had added stones in telling her how much better a person his son was because of Casey. She knew it was meant to be a compliment, but it had not settled in that manner.

Tucking his finger under her chin, Charlie tilted Casey's face up to meet his. His lips met hers in a chaste and gentle kiss. "I do care about you, Casey. It's why I'm so harsh on you. One day, you'll make a great prosecutor, but not if you keep up the way you're going."

Biting her lip, Casey nodded. "I know. Thank you, Charlie, for looking out for me." She reached over and stroked his cheek. He caught her hand, kissing her fingers. "You're so good to me."

He smiled, kissing the back of her hand. His fingers stroked up her arm and over her back, up her neck. "I'm glad you know that," he murmured.

"Charlie," she whispered as his hand traveled down her back to the top of her jeans, his fingers just inside the cloth around her bottom. Wide eyed, she shook her head, pulling away. He laughed, his hand leaving the small of her back and moving over her thighs, touching just between her legs. She shot up and pulled away from him. "Charlie, no."

"Casey, stop freaking out. It's not like I'm going to do anything. Doesn't it feel good? And, don't lie."

Biting her lip, Casey looked down. She didn't say that she was far more okay with some light sexual petting than she let him believe she was. She didn't say it because the only person's hands on her body she could imagine were Alex's, though they had not been explicitly sexual touches. Some things, yes. Casey had made it a game to manipulate Alex by sucking on her fingers. It turned the blond into absolute putty. But, Alex had never done anything that Casey had said she was uncomfortable with, and her buttocks and between her legs as well as her chest were all off limits. The blond respected that. And, that felt better, she thought, than what Charlie was doing.

Casey shook her head. "No, Charlie. I don't want to."

Reaching over, Charlie pulled Casey against him again. "Come on, Casey. It's just good fun. You honestly can't tell me you don't enjoy it."

"It's not that, Charlie," Casey said, trying to sit up only to be held tighter. "It's just that I don't want to do anything until I'm married. I'm old fashioned and stupidly so, I know, but can't you respect that?"

"If it's stupid, then what's wrong with a little fun? Jesus, Casey, it's not like I'm going to take your virginity."

Casey wiggled, trying to get away from Charlie. "That's not the point," she protested. Suddenly, Charlie moved his hand, letting her go, and Casey fell off the couch and onto the floor, looking a little shocked. Charlie laughed. Hugging herself, Casey shook her head. "I'm going home, Charlie."

The taller man stood as she did, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to him. "Don't take it so personally, Casey. You really need to learn to relax." He kissed her, and she pulled away. "Too good to kiss me? Or are you thinking about someone else? Is that why you won't move back in, because you have some boyfriend on the side?"

"No," Casey squeaked, her voice higher than normal.

"You're lying to me," Charlie yelled, shoving Casey backwards onto the couch.

Casey shook her head. "Charlie, I don't have any boyfriend other than you. Please, stop acting paranoid." As soon as she said it, she realized what she had said. Charlie's open palm connected with her cheek, and she grabbed for her face, coiling on the couch. "I'm sorry, Charlie. That's not what I meant." When things were good between them, they were very, very good. But, Casey did have to watch what she said or she could turn things bad. She knew that, yet she had still said something.

"You fucking cunt," Charlie snapped. "Don't ever say shit like that again."

Nodding, Casey bit her lip, her hands still covering her face. "Yes, Charlie. I'm sorry, Charlie."

Fingers pried her hands from her face, and Casey sucked her lip into her mouth, staring up at Charlie, trembling. The man leaned over her and kissed her, his tongue pressed against her mouth until she opened her mouth to him. He rolled her over onto her back, pushing her legs up so that they were bent. He pushed one of her legs off the couch and lay against her, still kissing her.

Breaking the kiss, Casey shook her head. "Charlie, I said I didn't want to."

"Relax, Casey. I just want to know that you're not seeing anyone else." He kissed her neck, sucking on her skin, his hands tugging her shirt from her jeans until it slipped away and he could push it up, revealing her bare, pale stomach. His mouth moved to her stomach, kissing a ring around her belly button, his hands still moving her shirt up, tucking it beneath her arms as he kissed the tops of her breasts.

She whined, shaking her head. "Stop, Charlie. Please, stop." Digging her hands into his shoulders, she pushed at him to get off of her. "I'm not seeing another man. Just you. Just you, Charlie. I swear to God. Please."

"Oh, you're such a goddamn prude, Casey," Charlie growled, standing and pulling Casey from the couch at the same time. "If you're not going to have a little fun, then maybe you should go home."

Casey nodded, pulling her shirt back down. "Why?"

"Why what? Why should you go home? Because you're an idiot. You're being stupid and selfish. You can't have a little fun. It's Friday night. We've both had a long week in class, and it'll be fun to relax a little. We've been dating for almost eighteen months. You don't think that it's about time we touch each other a little more?"

"No," Casey said, shaking her head vigorously. "No, I don't. I'm not ready for that. I understand you might be, but Charlie, I'm not. I promised myself that I wouldn't until marriage, and I intend to keep that promise. It's important to me. Shouldn't that make it important to you?"

"It is, and we're not having sex, Casey. I told you that. It's just fun."

Shaking her head, Casey stalked to the closet. She was angry and nervous, shaking from both. "I don't think it's fun. See you in class Monday." She grabbed her jacket from the closet and headed out of the apartment, pulling it on before she landed on the street, quickly zipping her jacket against the evening chill. The days were warm but the night cooler as spring began to change into summer.

In less than a month, she would be planning her return to New York to start her internship in about six weeks. Her parents were already thrilled for her to be returning to their house, though she doubted that would last too long. She would feel too guilty. In fact, she was already feeling guilty in not telling them about Alex. But, she knew that would never happen.

"Ali?" she questioned into the microphone to her cellphone on the third ring out.

"Yea, honey, what's wrong?" Alex responded.

"Pick me up? Charlie fell asleep watching the movie, and the buses stopped running." Casey lied. She was becoming more and more comfortable with lying. It was terrifying, but Casey was also learning just how helpful it could be.

"Sure, honey. Let me pull on a jacket. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"Thanks," Casey murmured. "I'll meet you at the bus stop."

"Okay," Alex responded. "You sure? It's chilly out."

"Yea. The fresh air'll help. I'm kinda tired, too."

"'Kay, hot shot. See you in fifteen." Alex hung up, and Casey resumed her walk over to the bus stop near the apartment. Charlie had not gone outside after her, but she felt awkward standing around at the apartment complex when she really just wanted to go home. Plus, she did not want Charlie to change his mind and decide he was going to try to convince her to stay.

Alex pulled up fifteen minutes later just as she had promised she would, leaning over to let Casey into the car. The red head climbed in, buckling up as she yawned. "Thanks, Ali. You have no idea how much I appreciate it." Leaning over the center console, Casey pressed her lips to Alex's, licking gently at her soft flesh. Alex hummed against Casey's mouth, using her tongue to draw Casey's tongue into her mouth.

"Bad date?" Alex mused as she pulled away.

"Why do you say that?" Casey asked, shaking her head.

Alex smiled. "Because, you don't usually kiss me like that when I pick you up."

"I kiss you every time you pick me up, no matter where you pick me up from."

Laughing, Alex kissed Casey's cheek. "Yes, you do. But, not like that, hot shot."

Biting her lip, Casey shrugged. "Well, Charlie did fall asleep on me half way through the movie. I guess that's a good enough reason to call it a bad date. But, what if I just wanted to kiss you?"

"Fine. Fine. You just wanted to kiss me. You happy?" Alex teased. Casey looked out the window, hands tucked in her lap. "No, you're not. What really happened?"

"Nothing," Casey lied. "Charlie fell asleep, that's all. I thought he might wake up to take me home, but I couldn't get him to wake up, so I called you."

"You sure that's all?" Alex asked, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Casey nodded. "Yep. Thanks for picking me up, though. I mean it." Alex rested one hand over Casey's knee, drawing little designs on her jeans. "Alex."

"You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to, Casey, but answer me honestly. Is that all that happened?"

Grinding her teeth, Casey shook her head. "No," she whispered, her voice choking. "It's not. But, I really don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Okay, Casey," Alex murmured, lacing her fingers in Casey's and pulling the red head's hand into her lap. "If you want to talk later, I'm here for you."

"Yea," Casey murmured. "I know. It's what I like about you."

Alex laughed. "What the hell are you going to do starting next month?"

"Whatever do you mean, Alexandra?" Casey asked, her voice filled with mock sweetness as she batted her eyes at the blond. The innocence was, of course, an act at that point. She had been around Alex for over eighteen months, sharing her bed for six, and trading saliva with her for just under three months. Not only that, but whatever innocence she had tended to vanish when she agreed to date two people at once. Whether or not she would wind up with either of them remained to be seen, but it was very unlike a Novak to date two people at once, let alone date a woman as a woman.

"You'll be living with your parents, won't you?" Alex asked. Casey nodded. "Then, what are you going to do then?"

"You mean how am I going to sneak around with you when I'm not living with you?" she asked. It was Alex's turn to nod. "I fully intend to go out after the day ends at my internship, Alex."

"And, you'll tell your parents that you're going out with Charlie?"

"Nope. I'm just going to tell them I'm going out. Do you have a place to stay, yet, then?"

Alex nodded. "I have an apartment in New York. Well, sort of. I mean, my parents got me a studio in the city so that I had a place the first year. After that, I'm on my own to find my own place."

"Not bad."

"I know. My parents love me," Alex said with a smile.

Casey shrugged. "Then, what's wrong with me going out?"

"With whom?"

"You," Casey said, her brow furrowing.

"And, you'll tell your parents?"

"Lying by omission is not a crime. Well, only kind of," Casey said. "Ooh, you've corrupted me." Casey bit her lip and looked down at the floor board in the car. "I'm not sure how this is going to work."

Alex popped her brows. "Tell me about it."

Casey sighed, leaning against the window. "Can we talk about something else? It's already been a bad night."

"Why don't you tell me what happened?" Alex asked. Picking up Alex's hand, Casey twisted her fingers between Alex's. "Oh, hey. No. No manipulating, you little minx." Alex was forced to stop at a red light, and Casey took the opportunity to lean over the console, her mouth closing around Alex's ear lobe. The blond moaned, her eyes fluttering closed. It took every ounce of her will to put her hand against Casey and push her away. "Minx. I have to drive, and we both know you're not going to follow through."

Sitting back in her seat, Casey pouted. "Fine," she said, crossing her arms over her chest, exaggerating her pout.

"Seriously? I'm going to fire you, Casey."

"From what?" the red head asked, turning to Alex with her eyes wide. "You can't fire me. You adore me too much for that."

Alex laughed. "Yea. I do. You're right. Asshole." The blond shook her head. "I think you abuse your power."

"I think I do, too," Casey said with a cheeky grin, letting herself relax into the seats. Not even ten minutes since Alex had picked her up, almost a half hour since she had walked out of Charlie's attempt at sexualizing their relationship, and she was already relaxing, feeling more comfortable in her skin even though she had been too tense when Alex had pulled up on the curb. "You're magical, you know that."

"Oh? Stroke my ego a little more, would you?"

"But, you said no manipulating," Casey said, feigning innocence. Casey's face fell, her eyes dropping away from Alex to focus on the road.

"Case?" Alex asked, pursing her lips as she looked to her friend. "What happened? You're suddenly very absent."

"Sorry," Casey mumbled.

"Three months," Alex reminded her. "Casey, are you having second thoughts now?"

"About us?" Casey shook her head. "No. No. God, I laugh so much with you. I just – tonight, I think – I think Charlie's off his meds again."

"What happened?" Alex asked again. "At Charlie's?"

Casey shrugged. "He, um, he just said some shit, like what he went on about before."

"Said or hit?"

Casey hung her head. "He pushed me into the couch." Alex raised a confused brow. "Okay, he shoved me into the couch because I wouldn't let him put his hands -" Casey flushed a deep crimson.

Inhaling deeply, Alex nodded. "Got it, hot shot. Did he?"

"I told him no and walked out, Alex."

"And, you want to go back?"

"He wouldn't do it if he were taking his meds appropriately. Maybe I should move in. You know, to help keep track of him."

"That's not your responsibility, Case. You're not his keeper."

"But, he's been so good for the past several months, Alex. This entire time, he's been sweet, flowers and cards, thoughtful nights out and in."

"Uh, huh. You remember that part about you coming home crying on Saturday? Or a couple of weeks ago when you spent five days wearing pants, long sleeved tees with high necks because he called you a whore for still living with me."

"No, he called me a whore for sleeping in the same bed as you. You know, I'm far more sexual with you than I am with him."

"Does he know that?"

Casey scoffed. "No. Hell no. I am not divulging that little secret, sweetheart."

Parking, Alex twisted in her seat, looking to Casey. "Hot shot, what goes through your head when you're with him?"

"I love him. I think. I don't know. Fuck this, Alex. My parents are excited to meet him next month. I talk to his family on the phone, he talks to mine. Isn't that what a normal relationship is supposed to be?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't know, Casey. I'm the mistress to a woman who is so adamant that she's not bisexual but is dating not only a man but also a woman. Obviously, my relationships don't qualify as normal."

Casey glowered at Alex. "Alright. Point taken."

"So, you're with him -" Alex led.

Casey shrugged. "I can't give up hope."

"You're giving up on yourself."

"I didn't fuck him."

"No, but I'd argue that you wouldn't be so evasive if he were as respectful about your declination to foster his advances as you want me to believe."

"It's not that, Ali. I just over reacted. I feel badly about it. Don't rub it in."

Biting her own lip, Alex shook her head. "I'm not trying to make this worse, Casey, just make sure I don't need to go back over there and dismember particular parts of his anatomy from the rest of his body." She sounded so possessive when she said it that Casey did a double take, her eyes wide as she watched the blond. Alex flushed. "Maybe that's too graphic."

Casey smiled, her lower lip between her teeth. "I'm not sure if that's something that I should feel good about or not. I mean, I appreciate that you're protecting me, but I don't know how I feel about the fact that you genuinely think Charlie would do something like that."

"I don't," Alex said with a sigh. "I just want to be sure you're okay. There's a difference between normal relationship pressures and how you respond to them. I may have corrupted you, and you may have realized that you can get me to do anything you want with the appropriately placed nibbles on my ears, but that does not make you corrupt. I'm not saying what he did was right, but it's kind of normal."

"So, I'm the sensitive freak who can't drop her pants to satisfy a man's penis?"

"Not saying that, Casey. That's your insecurity." Alex bit her lip. "You have every right to tell anyone no, and they need to respect that. Anything less is unacceptable. I'm just saying that around here, it's Harvard. It's men brought up in my world, where pressure like that is normal and responses are expected in terms of exactly that which you described. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying that this is Harvard."

"How old were you when you started having sex, Ali?" Casey asked.

"With guys or gals?" Casey shrugged. "Alright, I was thirteen when I slept with a guy for the first time. It was just awkward. And, I was fifteen when I slept with a girl for the first time."

Casey's eyes widened. "That's young."

Alex smiled tightly, her lips forming a thin line. "Yea, well, shit happens. Can we refocus?"

"That was almost ten years ago."

"Oh, it was ten years ago."

Casey bit her lip. "Uh, yea. Shit. Damn. It'll be another ten years before I even – holy shit."

Alex laughed. "See why Charlie calls me a slut?"

"No," Casey said, shaking her head. "You could have slept with every person on campus, Ali, and I still wouldn't think that."

"Yea, well, you know that's not happening."

Casey laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

"Hey, you know exactly where I am every night."

"I do. It's like I civilized you." Casey winked.

Groaning, Alex hugged the steering wheel. "Meanie," she mumbled.

"What? You haven't had sex since when?"

"November the year we met," Alex mumbled. "And, don't rub it in."

Casey stopped her teasing and stared at the blond. "You're kidding, right?" she said. "You haven't?"

"Nope," Alex mumbled into the steering column.

Reaching over, Casey brushed her fingers through Alex's hair, exposing the side of her face. "That is so sweet, Alex. How long have you crushed over me?"

"Since about then," Alex mumbled, her eyes closed.

"Aw. That's so freakin' cute."

"Tell that to my over abused libido."

Casey frowned. "Is it really that bad?"

Shaking her head, Alex sighed, clinging to Casey's hand. "No, honey. I'm just happy to spend time with you."

"Wait, so, you're letting me gallivant between two people while you're utterly faithful to me? Not only that, but you've been faithful to me long before we even started dating." Alex shrugged. "Jesus. I'm such a whore."

"No, you're not," Alex responded immediately. "Casey, don't talk like that about people I care about. Don't talk like that about yourself. You deserve better." Alex sat up, kissing Casey's neck. "You're beautiful, Casey, so beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you differently or make you think less."


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: So, I suck at this every other one thing. But, this'll hold you over, I hope? **

**(23)**

Standing shyly in the background, Casey watched as Alex wrapped her arms around first her father, then her mother. Alexandra's mother was tall and lean, long brown hair falling around her face and shoulders. Casey estimated that she was in her mid sixties, but she had carried age well and with the smile on her face at the sight of her daughter, she did not look nearly that. Her father was an equally tall man with strong shoulders and a regal face. No wonder, she thought, Alex inherited beauty. Alex's father was as blond as the youngest Cabot, and the kindness in his eyes was only trumped by a protective look as he glanced around them all.

Casey bit her lip as Alex's parents approached her, Alex in the lead. "You don't have to be so shy, Case," Alex murmured in the red head's ear as she slid her arm around Casey's waist. Briefly, Casey clung to Alex's fingers. "Mom, Dad, this is Casey. Casey, my mother, Charlotte, and my father, James."

"Pleasure to meet you both," Casey said, holding out her hand. James shook her hand.

Charlotte pulled Casey from her daughter and hugged the woman. Alex's mother held Casey out at arms length, briefly looking her over. "You must be the lady Alex tells us so much about," she purred in a voice that betrayed roots outside of the American region. "You really are a lovely woman, Casey. Thank you for coming to meet us. I'm afraid it's been a couple of years."

Alex shrugged. "My apartment's always been open, Mom. You just never visited."

Charlotte gave Alex a brief smile and a hug. "Why don't you two show us this apartment of yours? We've got a lot of packing to do to get you both back to New York." Alex had asked her parents if they would help them move. Between Casey and Alex, they had accumulated a lot of different things over the past seven months of living together, and Alex had explained to her parents that Casey's folks would not be nearly so happy that they shared a one bedroom apartment. Alex's parents really did not seem to mind one way or another. Nor, Casey noted, did they ask what the relationship Alex had with Casey was. For that, Casey was grateful. She did not even know or understand herself.

"Thank you, thank you for coming up and helping. I mean it. I don't think we could have moved that stuff around in that convertible."

"How are you getting that back to New York?" James asked, his arm around Alex's shoulder as they walked out of the airport.

"Casey and I were going to drive it. We were going to put what we could in the back and head home that way. Unless you want us to drive the van?"

Charlotte swatted at her husband. "Leave them alone, James," she scolded.

"I missed something," Casey mumbled against Alex.

The blond abandoned her father's side to take up Casey's hand, her parents falling a step behind them for the sake of privacy. "My dad's teasing us," she whispered. "Just ignore him."

"You two going to be living together in New York, then?" Alex's father asked.

"Uh, no, Mister Cabot," Casey said, shaking her head. Her grip on Alex's fingers tightening as she looked away from the older man, flushing red. "My parents expect me to move back in with them for the summer while I complete my internship."

"Bill is happy to have you aboard for a few months, Casey. Alex swears up and down you'll be the best practicing attorney in New York once you've gotten your bar," the man pointed out.

Casey flushed darker. "I won't be that good," she mumbled, sounding somewhat upset at the complimentary gesture.

"Um, Casey, why don't you tell my mom about the shows in Boston? I was thinking we might see one tomorrow night. Adrian said to just ask and he'd get us all tickets."

"I'm sorry," Casey mouthed to Alex as the blond gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and stepped back to linger behind the other two with her father. Charlotte was nothing if not observant, and she struck up a conversation with Casey as if it were meant to be just that even though it was really just a distraction.

"Dad," Alex said with a sigh. "You remember that I told you Casey's got an odd relationship?"

"Sure, honey."

"Well, by odd, I mean possibly abusive. He insults her and is degrading to her. She was kind of this shy, naïve Catholic girl when she moved here. Well, now she's not so naïve, but she's got a hard time accepting that there's much good about her." Alex bit her lip, looking down.

"Ah, kiddo," James sighed. "I'll lay back the compliments, but you really have told us only good things about her. Does this boyfriend of hers need to have a sit down with me?"

Alex smiled, suddenly incredibly grateful for her parents being so easy going. Sure, they were high strung people some of the time, but when it came to Alex, they were just open to her being happy. And, if that meant Alex's friends being happy, too, then that was usually fine. They trusted her to make good decisions, and she had proven their trust well placed several times. "Maybe," Alex said with a shrug. "For all the good it would do."

"Ah. Maybe then, this internship will be just as useful to Casey as having an intern will be to your Uncle Bill."

Alex nodded. "Maybe." Alex's uncle, Bill Hermann, was the kind of man that would not stand idly by when domestic violence issues arose. In fact, he tended to sentence more strongly on domestic violence offenses than he did on non-domestic violence offenses. It was his bias showing through, but Alex was simply more than well aware that all judges were bias over something, regardless of how impartial they were supposed to be.

"So, if Casey's got a boyfriend, what does that make her to you?"

"My girlfriend," Alex said with a shrug. "I guess the multiple relationships and bisexuality aside, though, she's pretty traditional."

"Define," James teased.

"Catholic."

"Ah. Well, then, how you two wound up together, I'll never understand. You mean you didn't frighten her off?"

Alex turned bright red, covering her face with her hands. "Daddy," she whined. "And, for the record, we ran into each other. Literally."

"I'm only teasing, dear. Now, walk faster. It looks to me like Casey's claimed driver's seat." He nodded his head in the direction of Alex's convertible, Casey already sitting on the door to the driver's side, her feet dangling into the car. The top was down for the nice day and the fact that whomever it was that had to sit in the back would be somewhat squished if the top were up.

"Novak, you kill me," Alex called, fishing her keys from her pocket and tossing them to the red head. "Pop the trunk?"

The trunk popped up and the engine turned over, the car purring to life. Alex helped her father load the two carry on suitcases into the trunk of the car before climbing over the frame of the car and sliding into the back seat beside her mother and behind Casey. Briefly, Alex leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Casey's chest, kissing her softly on the ear. "It's gonna be okay, hot shot," she murmured.

"I know," Casey murmured, putting the car into reverse and backing out of the spot as she glanced over her shoulder. "You're here."

Alex sat back in her seat, silenced by the pure honesty in that statement. Her mother looked at her, brow raised. The similarity in the facial expressions between the two women was the first clue that they were related, though Alex's mother had the same cheekbones, chin, and skin tone Alex sported, though everything else seemed to have been inherited from her father's genetic pool. Charlotte patted her daughter's knee but said nothing for several seconds.

Then, she added to the silence. "Casey and I were thinking Les Mis sounds like a good show to see. Alex, can your friend Adrian get us tickets there?"

Smiling, Alex nodded. "I'm sure he can. I'll call him and let him know when we get home. My cell's dead."

"Excellent. Do you two have evening clothes?"

"Yes, sir," Casey said, sounding small.

Alex leaned forward again. "Honey, you don't have to call my father sir. He's just Dad."

"You can call me Jim, though, if you want," the blond male said. "I mean, you can call me Dad if you want."

Casey giggled, and some of the tension in her shoulders rolled away. "Alright, Mister – um, Jim."

Alex slid one hand between the seat and the car in front of her, her fingers just touching Casey's hip as she leaned forward, her cheek resting on the head rest. "So, we are all aware that I cannot cook, right?" Alex asked. Casey scoffed. "Some more than others."

"Yes," Charlotte answered. "I'll never forget the fiasco of the burned pancakes of '93. Marie warned you, Alex, and you did it anyway."

Alex grinned. "What's a kitchen for if not for summoning cute firemen?" she teased. "Anyway, Casey, on the other hand, can cook. And, oh, my goodness, can she cook. Anyway, she volunteered to make dinner for everyone tonight."

"That sounds delightful," Charlotte exclaimed. "Alex really does tell us so many wonderful things about you."

Casey looked sunburned, though her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel. "I'm afraid you'll be a little disappointed. I don't know that the firemen will come, but I'm really not that good. I just keep Ali fed and happy."

"Mom, why don't you tell Casey and me about your trip to Amsterdam a few weeks ago? I told Case you and Dad were going, and we've both been excited for stories and pictures."

Charlotte smiled at Casey, saving the questioning look for her daughter when the red head's focus was back on the road and she looked less panicky. Alex traced little designs on Casey's pelvic bone with her thumb and index finger to help her friend calm down. "Alright, dear."

They spent the better part of the drive to the apartment talking about Amsterdam and what it was like to be in such a city. Charlotte promised pictures when they got to the complex because, of course, they had brought the digital camera they had bought. Casey was easily distracted by the conversation which was nice, and Alex kept her hand just touching Casey, even when she leaned back a little, listening to her mother recount stories of getting lost in the Red Light District.

Casey looked absolutely horrified to learn that it was common place to buy and sell children for sex in other countries, even countries like Holland. She pulled into the complex parking lot, turning off the engine. "Alright, well, my life experiences cannot beat that. I would have been terrified, Mrs. Cabot. Weren't you?"

Charlotte laughed. "First of all, dear, my name is Charlotte. I don't even go by Mrs. Cabot at social functions. And, second, honey, it's not nearly so terrifying once you're over fifty. Not many people would even pay for that."

"You're over fifty?" Casey asked, eyes wide. Laughing, Alex rolled her eyes, pushing Casey's head playfully with her fingers. "What?"

"You're such a dork." Alex climbed over the side of the convertible, grabbing the suitcases from the trunk of the car, passing the handle of one to Casey, holding onto the other and starting up the stairs to the apartment.

"So, this is your place, huh, Alex?" her father asked, peering around the living room. "It is very, very much you, my child." He picked up a small cross necklace that had been hung off a hook on the bookshelf. "I'm guessing this rosary is yours, Casey?"

The red head nodded. "Yea. I've managed to sneak a few touches in here and there."

Charlotte smiled. "I'd say more than a few," she said, looking around the room. Casey flushed, her hands folding in front of her. She had touched up Alex's place. Granted, it had not been bad when she had started staying there. Alex was a very fashionable, clean woman. Casey had just inserted herself comfortably into the apartment. It was part of why she did not want to move back in with Charlie. She felt like the apartment was also her home, particularly after almost seven months living there. The blanket thrown over the back of the couch was Casey's choice. Alex's bookshelf had been added to with other books about law and sports specific to Casey's interests as well as science fiction works. Two posters had been hung, vintage style posters of women playing softball, and another vintage style poster of women being recruited to the Army. They had been snuggled in to Alex's black and whites of Paris and London. If the apartment had needed something, Casey had just as much say as Alex, and they had actually meshed together very well. Casey insisted that Alex had veto power over everything, but Alex had never used it.

"I like it," James announced with a nod of his head. "You play softball, then, Casey?"

Casey nodded. "Every summer."

"Will you play in New York?"

"Hopefully," Casey admitted. "It'll depend how much work I put into the internship."

Alex looped her arm over Casey's shoulder, kissing her cheek softly. "You'll find the time, Casey. If you love doing it, you should always find the time."

With a slow sigh, Casey snuggled into Alex's embrace, her hand resting easily on Alex's hip. Neither of Alex's parents had batted an eye when Alex had explained that not only was she dating a woman, she was dating a woman who had a boyfriend. To Casey, that said that the Cabot parents were accustomed to a certain level of deviance from their children, at least their daughter. But, from Alex's stories, all three children had always been somewhat different. They were, she supposed, Cabots. Still, their absolute acceptance was both shocking and comforting. On one hand, Casey knew that at least when she was around Alex and her family, she really had nothing to worry about. On the other, it made her ever more terrified about her own family.

Alex's parents took both women out to dinner rather than Casey cooking, at their insistence, no less, promising to sample Casey's skills the following evening, and considering that Charlotte had assumed Alex would be gay from a very young age, it was easy to be affectionate while at dinner as well without being too overtly public. The little things like holding hands, quick kisses on the cheek or light kisses on the lips, sitting too close, or turning a little red from a flirtatious comment seemed like no big deal, and it did not even phase Alex's parents.

"Are you absolutely sure you don't want to stay at the apartment?" Alex asked for the thirtieth time that night as her father drove her car to a hotel near the college.

James shook his head. "No, no, Alex. You have your apartment. Your mom and I were looking forward to some time to ourselves, anyway. You know how it goes."

Alex nodded. Casey raised a brow, twisting in the backseat to look at the other woman. "He's talking about Danae."

"Danae is?" Casey started.

Chuckling, Alex shrugged. "Danae is Sam's daughter. She's thirteen."

"And acts it," James said with a chuckle. "Just like her father and aunt."

"So, she likes women?" Alex asked, wrapping her arms around Casey's hips, her cheek pressed up against Casey's neck as she leaned over into the other woman's seat.

"Al," Charlotte scolded with a smile, laughing. "She has a new boyfriend every week."

"Oh, so she is like me," Alex said, kissing Casey's cheek, twisting the fabric of Casey's sleeve in her fingers. "You'll get a kick out of the niece, Casey, if you ever decide to swing by to meet her."

"I'd like to. Does she live with you guys?"

"Yes," Charlotte answered. "Most of the time. Sam travels a lot for work, and Danae's at the point where she needs to stay in the same school as much as possible for her academia as well as her social life. She lives with us during the school year, and it's up to her whether or not she wants to travel with her dad during the summers as long as she passes all of her classes."

Casey smiled. "Sounds like a good stipulation," she admired. "When did this start?"

Alex pursed her lips, head tilted. "Five years ago, I think," Alex said. "When Sam wound up having to travel almost every week. It really kinda sucks for her."

"What happened to her mom?" Casey asked.

Chewing at her lip, Alex looked at her lap. "She, uh, she just walked out. Said she didn't want a kid anymore."

"Oh," Casey said, the word soft on her lips. "I'm sorry. That must have been traumatic for her."

"It's okay. Danae is pretty easy going." Alex smiled. "You look so sad."

Casey shook her head. "I'm okay."

"Liar. We'll talk when we get home," Alex whispered into Casey's ear, leaning over the back seat, her lips brushing Casey's skin. Sitting back up in her seat, she addressed her parents. "You absolutely sure?"

"Yes, Alex," Charlotte said. "You two should have a few more good nights, anyway, if Casey is going to be staying with her parents, it might be easier to snuggle now." Through their dinner conversation, it had come about that Casey would not only be staying with her parents over the summer months but also that her parents were less than open about sexual deviances including, but not limited to, bisexuality, polyamorty, and affairs.

Casey was bright red, her head in her hands. "Charlotte," she whined. "You and Alex."

"Aw, stop being mean, Char," James teased, winking at Alex who giggled. "They just want to cuddle in peace."

Alex and Casey stayed with Charlotte and James while they checked in and then helped them get their minimal bags to the room before hugging them. Casey flushed when Charlotte kissed her cheek. "You're a good influence, Casey. We'll see you both tomorrow to pack."

"You want the car?" Alex asked, holding out the keys. "The bus runs nearby, and Casey and I can catch that home."

"We can catch the bus."

"You can drive," Alex said, rolling her eyes. "The bus'll take maybe fifteen minutes."

"Alright, alright," James said, taking the keys from his daughter. "See you tomorrow, Banana."

"Night Mom, night Dad. Love you."

Walking out of the hotel, Casey reached over and clasped Alex's hand, her fingers lacing between the blond's very casually. "Your parents are amazing," Casey said. "I can't believe how just whatever they are about you and your choices."

"As long as I don't hurt myself or someone else, they really don't mind. It helps that I don't ruin the Cabot reputation, too, but I've never really been so inclined. I mean, I have to keep my name, too."

"I can see that. I wish my parents were like that."

Giggling, Alex, stopped Casey in the parking lot, turning her to her. "I'm sorry," she murmured managing to not sound apologetic at all, before catching her lips and kissing her fully and passionately, pulling the woman flush against her.

"Why are you sorry?" Casey whispered, a groan just behind her words.

"Because I've been wanting to do that all night." Alex smiled, pausing as she looked Casey over. "You wanna tell me what upset you so much a few minutes ago?"

"Nothing," Casey said, flushing and looking away, two tells that she was lying.

"Casey, if something made you unhappy or uncomfortable, say so."

"Just thinking about Steph, you know. My parents didn't want her after she came out."

Alex rubbed her hand down Casey's back. "You're worried that your parents won't want you?"

"What the hell did Danae do to make her mom not want her?" Casey asked. "She was, what, eight?"

"Six. Sam's promotion when she was eight kind of upended her life again," Alex said, nodding. "Some parents just aren't supposed to be parents. That's how Julie is. She's a good woman, but her motherly instincts just never kicked in, even after Danae was born."

Casey shrugged, leaning on Alex as they waited for the bus. "It still sucks."

"Yea," Alex agreed. "It does for Danae. I didn't think you were planning on telling your parents."

Sighing, Casey shook her head. "I'm not, but that does not mean that my worries go away. What if they find out anyway?"

With a gentle movement, Alex cradled Casey's hand between her own, her thumb stroking lightly over the top of her warm skin, tracing ridges of bone she had already memorized. "How would they?"

"Charlie."

For just a moment, Alex froze. In the months that they had been together, Alex had seen but not commented on little bruises here and there. When she had mentioned something or taken notice of something, it had caused Casey to withdraw fiercely from talking to her or allowing Alex to touch her. The nights when Casey curled just a little closer to Alex, held her hand just a little tighter when Alex would hold her hips, came home just a little later, stayed up just a little longer, Alex knew. She knew that things were not the best, but she also knew that Casey would never admit to it. She would smile in public, but look truly peaceful only when she slept. And, somehow, Alex was convinced that if Charlie found out that not only was Casey kissing him, she was kissing the blond roommate with whom she shared a bed, he would freak out. There was no way that someone like Charlie would not think that Casey and Alex were doing more than just kissing and holding hands. "Casey, does Charlie even know about us?"

Shrugging, Casey frowned. "He knows that your apartment is only a one bedroom and that neither of us sleeps on the couch. I never specifically said that we were sleeping in the same bed, but I think he's smart enough to figure that out." Alex sighed, feeling mixed emotions. On one hand, it was probably better that Casey had not been specific. On the other, part of Alex wished Casey had lied to Charlie about their sleeping arrangements because Alex agreed with Casey. He might let something like that slip. "That we're dating, no, I don't think he knows that. But, he can be mean sometimes, and I think if he were in the wrong sort of mood or not taking his meds appropriately, he might tell my father that we slept in the same bed. To my parents, that might as well mean the same thing, especially because of Stephanie."

"Oh, Casey," Alex purred, wrapping her arms around her friend, burying her face in Casey's hair. "Honey, honey. I wish I could fix this all for you. You know I would in a heartbeat if I could."

"I know," Casey murmured, looping her arms around Alex in a tight embrace. "But, you can't. It's something I need to address myself. Jesus, Alex, there's so much that I need to figure out that I've just kind of been avoiding."

Alex nodded, her hands sliding over Casey's arms as she stepped back. "I know, honey. And, I know what they are. You know I'll never hold anything against you. I will always be your friend."

Grinning, Casey leaned in and quickly kissed Alex's cheek. "I know it sounds absolutely juvenile to say this, but you'll always be my best friend."

"Damn right," Alex said with a light laugh. "I better always be your best friend."


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Thanks for the awesome reviews. I love the Cabots, too. They remind me of my first girlfriend's parents who were awesome. This is me when I can't help but be a tease to all of you. Steple, let me know if it's okay. :) **

**As always, love the reads, appreciate the reviews. Enjoy. You all make me so happy I could dance. **

**(24)**

"Your honor, I have a prior trial scheduled on that date. Would it be alright with the People if we scheduled trial for the following week?" the public defender said, his nose stuck in his calendar, the defendant standing beside him, hands clasped politely in front of him. The politeness was an act. He had already called Alex a string of names in the conference room which was why the blond had decided to set everything before the judge, on the docket as opposed to in the conference room where she was, by nature of her position, able to message between herself and the court clerk to schedule a trial date if plea bargaining did not go well.

Of course, the man was there for a DUI charge, a simple misdemeanor with a year of probation and a few thousand dollars in fees. Granted, it could be a lot more, but that was what Alex had offered, what she always offered unless defendants had more than two DUIs in the past five years or more than three in a lifetime. She had little rules for plea bargaining her cases, and she followed them. Why he would not just take the plea and be on with his life, Alex did not understand. For that matter, the public defender did not understand, either. Standard operations and procedure said the plea was offered and accepted. Alexandra was not the only Deputy District Attorney to offer that. She had even staffed the concept with her superior, an Assistant District Attorney in county court who had been about as baffled as she was as to the why but more familiar with the idea.

"The People share the same schedule as the court, your honor. If it pleases the court, it pleases the People," Alex said, raising her brow at the public defender. He was probably in his late forties and had been at the whole being a lawyer thing a lot longer than Alex had, but she still thought he was a little out of the ordinary. Then again, who in their right minds suffered law school and then became a public servant? They were all a little crazy.

"Very well, Miss Cabot. Trial shall be scheduled for July twentieth at eight am. Mister Links, I expect you to be on time to your own trial. Or, do you need to be placed in detention to assure your timeliness?" the judge asked, addressing the defendant.

The man shook his head. Gerald Links was about Alex's age and had far less success to show for himself. "I'll be here," he mumbled.

The judge nodded. "We'll bind this matter over until then. Next case. People v. John Madsen, docket number –" Alex tuned the judge out, pawing through her files for the particular case. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a little bit of red, grey, and green, and, looking up and over her shoulder, she smiled, the look faltering for just a moment before she had to turn her eyes forward again. "People's argument on bond?"

"Two hundred cash or assurity, your honor," Alex said. "The defendant is homeless and has no criminal record in the United States. He's also a military veteran. The People are not concerned about him being a flight risk."

"Thank you, Miss Cabot. Mister Madsen, do you have an argument?"

"No, your honor," the man said, shaking his head, his hands still locked behind his back as he stood before the court in prison orange.

"Two hundred cash or assurity, then, so ordered. Next case."

And so the morning went on, Alex dealing with well over twenty cases ranging in steps in the trial process from arraignment and bail hearings straight through to sentencing. The only thing she did not do in the mornings was actually hold trials. That was usually saved for the afternoon and seldom took more than one afternoon. The entire morning, too, Casey was just a few feet behind her sitting on one of the benches with defendants, family and friends of defendants, and, in the rare case, victims and their companions, too. Most cases Alex was dealing with, though, did not have victims other than society. She was still too green for her supervisors to want her to do that, but then, it was still May and Alex had only started in the office a couple of weeks prior.

As the cases lulled and stopped and the court recessed for fifteen minutes at ten o'clock for the key players to take restroom breaks, Alex turned in her seat, flashing a wide smile to Casey. "Hey," she purred, rolling her chair back as Casey leaned forward over the small fence-like structure separating them. "How's it going?"

"Pretty good. Judge Hermann actually sent me down to watch you."

"Oh?" Alex said with a smile.

Casey nodded. "Yea. I'm pretty sure he's just sick of hearing me ask questions about when you were a little girl."

"Are you getting answers?" Alex asked, pushing her glasses up her nose as she cocked one brow. She still looked at Casey with affection, though, and that ruined the somewhat serious look.

"Maybe," Casey said with a shrug. "Maybe not."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Hey, you gonna tell me about the cut on your cheek at lunch?"

"I tripped getting off the subway," Casey said. "Hand to God, that's what happened."

"Uh huh," Alex said, the effect not ruined as she gave Casey the look that she had become too terribly accustomed to giving and that Casey was accustomed to receiving.

"Swear to it, Alex. I tripped getting off the subway." Casey's fingers grazed the fresh, still red cut. It was smaller than what she would call a gash, but it was still noticeable. And, she had only received it that morning. By the late afternoon, it would probably hardly be visible. At least, that was Casey's hope because she had to go back to her parents that night, and she did not want her mother to make a huge fuss over her as she had a few days prior when she had been hit in the arm with a softball and showed up back at the house with a giant bruise on her left arm. That bruise hurt her for several days, and it had been even worse when it had turned green and purple as it healed only because her mother then fussed over it more.

"Would I lie to you?" Casey asked, kissing her fingers and pressing them to Alex's cheek. They had long since decided that any sort of obvious displays of affection at the court house would be inappropriate, keeping their romantic chatter to a minimum between the hours of eight and five.

Sighing, Alex shrugged. "Not usually," the blond murmured. "You promise, though? It's not Charlie?"

Casey nodded. "Scout's honor, Ali." She nodded once, her eyes over Alexandra's shoulder the blond turning to find the judge's clerk entering through the door behind the bench. "Break time's up," Casey said, kissing her two fingers again. Alex did the same, pressing her fingers to Casey's before turning back to her desk in the court room and standing, smoothing her skirt out as she did so.

"All rise," the clerk said, settling papers on the judge's desk before the stern woman walked in. Alex and Case both dutifully stood with the remaining few in the court room. Casey stayed until lunch while Alex went through case after case before the judge, making it look easy, like she had been doing the job for years instead of weeks. Casey found herself more than a little envious of the nerve Alex showed in a court room, found herself wishing that she could be that powerful in any kind of court, never mind a court of law.

Slipping out of the rows of benches and into the isle, Casey grabbed one of Alex's boxes of case files, settling it on her hip as Alex stacked the remaining two on a small dolly, latching them in place with a bungee cord. "Office first, lunch second?"

"Alright," Alex said, nodding her head. "I'm hungry. It's not my docket today. I don't have any pre-trials."

"Good. Uncle Bill sent me down for the afternoon, too." Casey beamed.

Shaking her head, Alex pressed the button to call the elevator. "I say he's probably definitely tired of you asking him about me. Speaking of, Case, why do you ask about me?"

"I, um, needed some ideas," Casey said with a small, sheepish grin. Alex raised her brow, but Casey just looked away, studying the walls of the elevator as they walked in. "Where do you wanna go for lunch?"

"Um, uh huh," Alex purred. "You're changing the subject."

"Naturally. So, lunch?"

"What about the café down the street? The one with the poodle statue outside. What's it called?"

"The Boardwalk?" Casey asked.

Alex nodded. "Something like that. They have fantastic root beer floats, and I'm in the mood for some ice cream."

Casey laughed. "I'm so glad I know you outside of that court room, Ali. I've got to admit, you're kind of terrifying in there."

In response, the blond snickered. "You know what one of the patrol officers called me yesterday?" She paused just long enough for Casey to look at her questioningly. "Ice Queen. He says its my new title. I've been here what, two, three weeks and they're already nicknaming me."

"You sound pretty proud of that."

"Hey, at least they'll know what to expect."

"Have you even had a trial yet?"

Alex shook her head. "Nope. The one in July will be my first if he doesn't plea out beforehand. I suspect he'll come to his senses and take the bargain offered. He would be a fool not to. It's kind of evident that he was driving under the influence of alcohol. I mean, it's almost a given when you blow a two eighteen on a roadside."

Giggling, Casey reached out, taking Alex's free hand in hers and lacing her fingers as they walked through the government complex back to the District Attorney's office. "Perhaps to you and me, but apparently not to him. All this talk of law is making me hungry. Alex, let's talk about something other than work."

"Alright. You pick a topic." Alex swiped her badge at the back door of the DA's office, the door lock clicking open such that she was able to open it, holding it open for Casey to walk through with her box before trailing her. "Second door on the left down the first hallway."

Nodding, Casey walked into Alex's office, setting the box down. "How does it take you three boxes?"

"I'm that talented. Normally, I only have two. But today was a busy docket. So much for changing topics."

"Okay. How about you tell me what you want for your birthday? It's coming up."

Alex groaned. "Ugh, Case. Don't remind me. I don't like getting old."

"Twenty four is not old, Alexandra. Sheesh."

"You say that now," Alex answered with a grin.

Casey waved her hand, dismissing the notion. "Anyway, what do you want? I was thinking we could go to a show since you like all that classy stuff."

Laughing, Alex shook her head, closing her office door shading the place in a grey darkness, the blinds on her first floor window pulled to keep out peering defendants and other weird creepers. "You know what I'd like?" she purred, wrapping one arm around Casey and pulling her close enough to feel the heat of her skin beneath her skirt suit. Alex very carefully pressed her leg between Casey's, the feel of the red head's black stockings tickling her bare flesh. Her fingers danced up Casey's back and over the suit jacket she wore, tracing over her shoulders until she caught the fabric in her hands and pushed backwards, Casey allowing the fabric to fall down her back into a heap on the floor.

Casey's hands went to Alex's hips where she played with the waist of her gray skirt, unsure of what else to do but not wanting to tell Alex to quit. Not unless it went too far. But, Alex knew better than to do that. Maybe she went a little farther each time, but she never over did it, never pushed Casey beyond where she was not willing to go. It was a gift, really, considering how many times she had to tell Charlie no. Casey refocused on the attention Alex was giving her, making her feel needy and wanted all at the same time. The blond's fingers had returned to her back, moving over her fabric cloaked skin, her nails dragging, sparking things in Casey she had never felt sparked before.

Those wonderfully long fingers made it to the back of her neck and slipped quietly into her hair as Alex's mouth covered Casey's in a kiss that was instantly deep and consuming. It was frequent that Alex had to remind herself she was playing with a virgin, and, not only was Casey that, but she was also an all-around inexperienced virgin. Everything sexual had a new flavor for Casey, and Alex was more than aware that if her first tastes were negative, it could very well impact her view of sex for the rest of her life.

One of Alex's hands dropped away from Casey's hair, sliding around her neck, easily finding the first button on her blouse, popping it open with confidence, keeping Casey's attention on their mouths as Alexandra traced Casey's lips and teeth and tongue with her own far more experienced tongue. Groaning, Casey found Alex's hands with her own, holding them at the wrists but not pushing Alex away or putting any amount of pressure on them. She was just holding them, like she was preparing for things to go too far but had not quite gotten there yet.

Slowly, Alex moved her hand down, popping open the second button. Casey did nothing to stop her or even act like she was regretting it. In fact, her kiss became more frantic and needy against Alex's mouth, her left hand abandoning Alex's wrist to wrap through her hair, pulling Alex tighter against her. Carefully, Alex pressed Casey against the door, still popping buttons slow enough that if Casey were pushed too far from her comfort zone, she had plenty of time to tell Alex to stop. But, they had both seen the other naked on more than one occasion.

Alex's mouth moved to Casey's neck, the kisses along her skin large and open, her tongue flicking out to taste the sweat and soap along Casey's flesh. Biting her lip, Casey tipped her head back, a silent invitation for Alex to touch every piece of possible skin on her neck, and Alex kissed and nibbled her way down the exposed front of Casey's throat. The red head finally released Alex's hand, letting the blond trail both hands over Casey's bare stomach, wrapping around her back as she kissed over Casey's collar bone and down to her bra clad breasts.

The kisses and licks continued down between Casey's breasts, so pale they were almost translucent. For a moment, Alex paused to nibble at the material holding the two cups of Casey's white bra together, but it only lasted a moment before she continued on her journey.

"Alex," Casey whispered, her voice clearly strained. "Please, not much lower. You'll kill me."

Without a word, Alex kissed around Casey's belly button, the kisses turning into one continuous lick, running circles that grew ever steadily larger around Casey's navel. Casey's hand slipped between Alex's shirt and her skin, the nails of her fingers dragging over Alex's back. "Al- A- Alex," Casey panted, horrified and electrified as she felt the skin beneath her nails split ever so slightly. From her point below Casey, Alex looked upward, staring up at Casey through her eyelashes and bangs. Unfortunately for Casey, she looked down at the precise moment to see Alex's eyes nearly roll into her head, and she shuddered, the other hand reaching up, clasping on the coat hook on the back of Alex's door.

Her circle of licks having reached both Casey's skirt and her bra, Alex stopped licking and began kissing her way back up Casey's chest and neck, biting at her jaw line as she passed it, until her mouth returned to Casey's, pulling evermore heat from between her lips. Slowly, to gauge Casey's reaction, Alex pulled away, one of her hands still on Casey's hip which came in handy as the red head almost collapsed into the blond.

For several seconds, they stood in silence, Casey wrapped in Alexandra's arms, her face buried against her chest, regaining the breath she had lost. There was a vague tremble to Casey's body, and Alex could feel her heart thudding against her chest. "Oh my God, Cabot," Casey whispered, a definite note of lust to her tone. "What did you do to me?"

"Turned you on," Alex murmured, small smile on her face as she stroked Casey's hair. "I told you a while back, Casey, that the speed of our relationship, if it moves forward at all, is entirely in your hands."

Casey laughed, deep and throaty, still clearly distracted. "I'm putty in your hands, Alexandra Cabot."

"Mm," Alex agreed. "That you are, hot shot."

Groaning, Casey wiggled her legs, pulling away from Alex and sitting on the couch in her office, her arm draping over a duffel bag containing Casey did not know what. "Alex," she moaned.

"What?" Alex asked, batting her eyes innocently.

"It hurts." Casey chewed at her lip.

Alex laughed. "Stop thinking about what just happened. Think about something else instead. It'll go away." Casey shook her head, hands in fists, nails digging into her palms. Alex slid onto the couch beside her girlfriend looping her arm over the trembling woman's shoulder. "I can help you in one of two ways."

"Just talk to me," Casey muttered. "I'm starting to feel better."

"I had no idea anyone could get that turned on by something so simple, Casey," Alex mused. "It's actually kind of hot. Bet you've never even touched yourself there, huh? At least, not with anything remotely sexual in mind."

"Not helping," Casey grumbled, her hand moving over Alex's, clutching at her palm, nails digging into her skin until Alex yelped. "Thanks, I feel better."

"Good to know pain's not really a turn on for you," Alex mumbled, shaking her now free hand, little impressions of Casey's nails not filling out as fast as she would have liked. Casey flushed, hiding her head. "Hey, honey, you're alright."

"No, I'm not," Casey mumbled, and Alex swore the woman was about to start crying.

Alex raised her brow, slipping from the couch to press herself between Casey's legs. "Look at me, Casey. Is this a crisis of your sexuality?"

"I don't know," Casey whined, eyes flickering to Alex briefly. "I've never had that reaction to anything anyone did. I mean, some touches, yea, but nothing like that. God, it's never hurt before."

"That just means it's something you really like," Alex observed, her tone carefully clinical. She did not want to push Casey away, even inadvertently, and when the topic was about sex or their relationship, particularly because Alex was not a man, it was all too easy to make Casey retreat.

"I like having spit all over my stomach," Casey said, skepticism entering her voice. She cocked a brow at the blond, clearly trying to lighten the mood she had so quickly soured, but not quite believing it herself.

Alex shrugged, slipping from the couch onto the floor like a graceful cat. She had wide, predatory eyes, but there was something else in them, too, something disciplined. And, she watched Casey's own pupils dilate, reacting to their eyes locking. Her hand on Casey's outer thigh, Alex was able to feel the red head tense at the mere glance. "Maybe. Maybe that's not the turn on." Casey raised her brow as if to ask what was. "Maybe it was having me crouched between your legs looking up at you, knowing that at any moment, you could tell me to stop and I would."

Involuntarily, Casey shivered as Alex assumed just such a position, her hands resting on either of Casey's calves, lips slightly parted as she looked up at the woman in her office. "I think I hit that nail on the head, huh?" Alex purred, resting her head on Casey's knee, looking up at her. "Pain may not be a turn on for you, but power kind of is."

The red in Casey's face crept down her neck, turning her skin a dark shade of cranberry. "No," Casey protested. "It's not."

"Huh, really? Because it looks an awful lot like it is to me." Turning her head slowly, Alex bit Casey's knee, not enough to hurt, just to feel the pressure of her teeth. Almost immediately, Casey's hand was wrapped in Alex's hair, the force encouraging Alex to not continue but also to not move away. "You kind of do it automatically."

Casey released Alex's hair, drawing her hand to her chest as though from the fire. "No, Alex," she whispered, sounding as though she were not talking from her own body. She seemed to be pleading with the blond with those two words, as if asking her to take them back. "Isn't it bad enough that I'm the pervert that I am? Why would I add more to it? Besides, I don't know what I'm doing."

"That much is clear, too," Alex mused, picking up Casey's hands and kissing them lightly. "You have nothing to fear from me, Casey, least of all judgment. You know that."

Smiling, Casey shook her head. "I suppose you're right, Cabot," she murmured, raking her fingers through the blond strands of hair at her leg, trying to comb out the mess she had made. "I wish I could just stop being a pretty little fool, Alex, but there still exists a difference in what is right and what I want. If you were to ask my mother, she would say I was walking a steady path to Hell and need redemption."

Alex smiled, looking up at Casey. "That's why I won't ask your mother." Casey laughed, true and genuine, something Alex heard only so rarely, and it made her feel warm inside. "I love the way you laugh," she purred, kissing the inside of Casey's knee lightly, the barest brush of her lips over the stockings. The next kiss was just a little higher, and Casey exhaled in a way that Alex knew meant there was expectation backing that breath.

Still, Alex knew it was too soon. If she pushed harder, she would lose the red head. Maybe she would have her for a few minutes more, but Casey would freak out. She would freak out and it would be days before the blond heard from her again. She knew. She knew because it was so very Casey a thing to do. "You asked what I want for my birthday," Alex led, resting her chin on Casey's knee.

"Yea," Casey breathed, her eyes refocusing as Alex stood up and leaned against her desk. "So? What's the verdict?"

Alex smiled faintly, her face turning to that serious mask that had earned her the nickname from the police officer, a nickname that was already catching on. It was the mask that would be dubbed from the start of her career to eternity her Ice Queen look. At the last moment, though, her features softened. "I want to spend a night with you; I don't care what we do as long as it's you and me."

"You want to go out on a date?" Casey asked.

"Not just a date, Casey, one with you. You know we have not properly gone out on a date since we got back to New York?"

"We haven't?" Casey queried. "But, I see you all the time."

"Work lunches and you stalking me at the court house don't count as dates, hot shot. I don't want to go somewhere where I have to sneak a kiss on your cheek when no one is looking or can't hold your hand. I don't care if we ride the subway all night as long as I can hold your hand and kiss you when I want to." Alex pushed her glasses up from the end of her nose where they had perched. "Sound like a fair request?"

Casey flushed. "More than," she murmured, standing and stepping between Alex's legs, lacing her fingers in each of Alex's hands, leaning in to kiss her, barely nibbling at Alex's lip as she pulled away. "Because, now that you mention it, my hands do feel a little empty."

Alex groaned. "Oh, the things you do to me, Casey Anne."

Giggling, Casey leaned in for another kiss.


	25. Chapter 25

**(25)**

Stretching, Casey sat up on the couch in the living room of Charlie Rhoads' apartment, her arms above her head as she arched her back. She swung her legs over the side of the couch and stood up, Charlie still laying on the couch looking up at her. "What's wrong, Casey?" Charlie asked, propping his head up on his hand.

"Nothing," Casey responded. "I'm fine. I just need to stretch. It's a long movie."

"Well, come back and cuddle, Casey. I was enjoying myself," Charlie teased, holding his hand out. Casey shook her head. "Why the hell not?"

The red head shrugged. "I just need to stretch, Charlie. I'll lay back down in a minute."

Sitting up, Charlie turned the movie off and switched off the television. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Casey asked, though by that time, she knew what he was talking about. It was the same thing they always got into, but when Casey had approached that subject with her father, looking for advice, he had said if that was the worst of it, she really had it good. She had to take him at that because she really had no other experiences by which to compare it except her experience with Alex which she could not talk to her parents about. Nor could she mention that sometimes fists would fly because she truly believed that to be her own fault.

"Picking a fight, Casey. It's ridiculous that you do this."

Casey frowned. "I'm not picking a fight, Charlie. I enjoy cuddling, but my leg fell asleep. I just want to wait for the tingling to stop before I lay back down. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?"

"Why am I making a big deal out of this?" Charlie said, his voice low, a clear indicator that he was starting to get angry. "You've been pulling away from me again. Ever since we've been back in New York, it's like the last month in Cambridge meant nothing. We were doing so well. What happened here? You found someone at that stupid internship?"

Shaking her head, Casey stepped away from Charlie. "No, Charlie. The only person I'm really around while interning is Judge Hermann."

"And Alex."

"She's my best friend, Charlie. What's wrong with me hanging out with her? She's the reason I know you."

Charlie sighed. "I know, babe. I just worry about you out there on your own. It's a big city, Casey, and you're not exactly very street smart."

Sighing, Casey shook her head. "I go from Judge Hermann's court room to Alex's before lunch, and that's it. Then, I go back upstairs. I don't know why you think I'm going to get lost or kidnapped."

"Or shot," Charlie said.

"I'm not going to get shot. Between Bill and Ali, no one's going to get to me, Charlie. It's my job. And, Alex is my friend. You need to deal with that."

Charlie was standing before Casey even knew he was doing. It didn't take much to put her on the floor. She was not expecting an actual blow, and that the heel of his palm had connected with her collarbone had been, in itself, unexpected. "Or what? Huh, Casey? You're seriously going to bitch about me worrying about you, about me loving you? Because I wouldn't worry about you like this if I didn't love you."

"Okay," Casey said, curling her legs under herself on the floor, one arm raised as a barrier between her and Charlie as he leaned over her, grabbing at her shirt and pulling her across the floor. "Charlie, stop it. You're scaring me."

She tried to pull away, to yank her shirt from his fist, but his fingers only closed tighter as he pulled her up until she was scrambling to put her feet beneath her as he dragged her across the living room. "Charlie, stop it, please," she gasped, her shirt too tight around her neck to be comfortable. "You're choking me."

"You can't tell me what to do, Casey. Don't you dare tell me what to do." He shoved her against the back of the couch where she coiled into herself, her nails raking on the fabric of the couch as she tried to find some purchase. It was the first time his assault against her had been drawn out. Normally, he did not punch. His choice act seemed to be pinching. But, he had never just started in on her and not stopped. It was everything she could do to keep her face covered with her hands and arms in case a misguided fist collided with her cheek or jaw.

Sobbing, Casey twisted, protecting her stomach, face, and throat instinctively. "Please, Charlie. I'm sorry," she whimpered, managing to get out from between him and the couch, into the open space of the living room, though she was still on her hands and knees on the floor. "Please stop hitting me. I'm so, so sorry."

Reaching out, Charlie grabbed Casey's hair, yanking hard enough to make her scream. Her hands flew to the back of her head. "Oh, God. Please stop. Please." Casey sobbed, crab crawling backwards.

"Stupid girl," Charlie muttered, dropping her head. Casey yelped, collapsing on the floor. "You say you're sorry all the time, but I hardly see you changing."

Crying, Casey did not dare say anything as she cradled her right arm to her chest, staring at the floor. She could see Charlie's slippered feet at her face, and she held her breath, afraid he would kick her. "Get up," Charlie barked.

Casey nodded, pushing herself up and standing on shaking legs, her arms wrapped around her middle, head bowed, hair loose around her face as she tried to stop crying. "I'm sorry, Charlie," she whispered.

Charlie stroked Casey's hair, the red haired woman flinching and gasping as he did so, worried, genuinely, the he might continue to strike her. "I wish I didn't love you so much, Casey. Maybe then I could worry less, but I do love you. I love you so much that I can't help it."

"I know," Casey whispered, pressing her face into Charlie's hand. "I love you, too, Charlie. I appreciate you worrying about me. I know it means you love me, and I'm sorry for what I said. It wasn't fair of me, and it was out of line." Charlie pressed his thumb against Casey's lips, and she kissed it, gently taking his hand in hers, kissing his palm and fingers.

Pulling Casey to him and turning her in his arms, Charlie pressed his mouth over hers, possessing her in a single kiss. Casey bowed beneath him as he held her as though she were a thing of value. His mouth moved from hers, tongue flicking out about her jaw and neck. He bit down, somewhat hard, sucking. "Charlie," Casey groaned. "My parents. They'll freak out."

"You should just move in with me, Casey. We'll be going back to Harvard soon, we might as well live together." He kissed her neck and shoulders, fingers running down her arms to the tips of her fingers. "What do you think?"

"When we go back to Cambridge, I'd love to rent a place with you, Charlie," Casey purred, wrapping her hands around the back of his neck, kissing him, her hips pressed against his. She was becoming better at cooling him down after he went off on her. She figured it was her duty since it was her fault to begin with. "Thanks for looking out for me, Charlie."

"Of course, Casey. It's what you do for someone you love." He moved his hands to her tee shirt, smoothing his fingers over the crinkled fabric from his fist. "I just wish you didn't make me so angry."

Casey nodded. "I swear, Charlie, I'll try my best."

He pulled at the hem of her shirt, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, frightened that she might like what he was about to do. She had, after all, liked it earlier that afternoon in Alexandra Cabot's office. But, then, she did not fully understand why she was worried. If Alex had made it enjoyable, she felt like she ought to have been alright with Charlie. "Don't bite me," she whispered, moving her arms so that he could pull her shirt free from her body.

And, as he kissed his way down her stomach, she found that she did not find it without pleasure, but it was Alex's name that she could taste in her mouth, that it was the soft touch of Alex's cheek she imagined against her stomach when Charlie rubbed his stubble against her, leaving small red trails. Biting her lip, Casey looked down at him, but closed her eyes before she could make eye contact, and it was Alex's intellectual gray eyes that sprang forth into her mind, staring up at her with a questioning look as if asking Casey 'I'm I doing this right? Is this okay?' And, yet, those same eyes guided her through the melee of emotion she was stormed by.

Before Casey could stop it, she groaned, tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling, the memory of Alex's bare leg sliding over her stocking clad calf, her teeth on her knee, her mouth on her inner thigh, not too high but pushing it, just pushing the boundaries, always pushing but never forcing. Casey remembered the bite of the hook from Alex's door, her fingers threaded around it to keep her own head together. She remembered the sharp pain low in her stomach, begging to be released. There was Alex's tongue dancing around her naked stomach, never forcing, just always asking for a little more. A little more if only Casey could give it.

For the first time, the images in Casey's mind changed. She knew from sight the shape of Alex's naked body, and she knew Alex knew her own. She imagined what it would be like if Alex's hands strayed lower than her waist, if her mouth moved higher than her knees. She wondered what it would be like to taste Alex's skin in her own mouth, bodies pressed tightly together, hands moving, searching for any perch they could to bring them closer.

Casey cried out as her back hit the bed. She did not remember moving to the bedroom, but she figured much more could not have happened. She was still in her bra and jeans, though Charlie's shirt was missing, and his jeans were unbuttoned, his boxers just peeking out from the denim. Charlie leaned over her, pinning her wrists to the mattress as he kissed her neck, fiercely, like he was going to eat her, he had become some kind of starved animal. Wiggling himself between her legs, Casey's boyfriend pressed his hips against hers, pushing against her rhythmically. "You have no idea how long I've waited, Casey. Oh, God, you have no clue."

"No," Casey whispered, pulling her hands free. "No, Charlie, no. Not that. Please. I don't mind messing around, but I'm not ready for that yet." Biting her lip, Casey moved to push Charlie off her.

He pushed back. "Alright, fine. I won't fuck you, but let me see you." He gave her a soft look, batting his long lashes at her as he grinned. "I know you're not going to believe me when I say it, but you are so beautiful." Casey nodded, moving her hands from in front of her, letting him look her over, her red hair fanned out across the pillow and white skin a pale contrast to the navy blue comforter on which they lay.

Charlie's mouth consumed her again, covering her skin, eating it in. Casey whimpered, but it was not in the imagery from her previous thoughts. It was in fear. She did not trust that he would not try to push it further. She knew, on pure instinct, that she had to stop it then or she would lose her chance. "Charlie, I can't. Baby, I – I'm trying, but I can't."

Ignoring Casey, Charlie moved further down her body, his kisses meeting with the button of Casey's jeans before he popped it open. "Charlie, no," Casey said, pulling back, trying to button her jeans again with shaking fingers.

"I just want to see you, all of you, Casey." He did not wait for a response as he took her hands and pinned them to her chest with one of his large hands. Somehow, he managed to pull her jeans away from her hips, even without Casey's help, even as she squirmed to try and get away. She lay still, chewing at her lip, her hands curled to her chest. "God, Casey, I'm not going to hurt you."

Casey shook her head. "Charlie, please let me go." Charlie frowned down at her, but Casey managed to get her hands free and push at his shoulders. "Seriously, get off me."

"You're a fucking tease, you know that?" Charlie growled, still not completely free of his little fit of rage from earlier.

Trembling, Casey tried to roll herself from under the man on top of her, succeeding in only winding up on her stomach beneath Charlie, her jeans twisted around her legs. She clutched the pillow to her face, her nails digging into the soft fluff of the pillow and the silk of the sheets. "Please get off of me, Charlie," Casey whimpered. "Were you drinking before I came over? You're not acting like yourself, Charlie."

The man sat up on he legs, his hand in her hair. "So? You act like I can't do what I want."

"You can, Charlie, but you know better than to mix your meds with alcohol."

Leaning over, Charlie kissed Casey behind the ear. "It's not that bad every once in a while," he murmured.

"Not that bad? Charlie, I'm half naked, pinned on your bed and I distinctly remember asking you to stop and let me go." Casey's anger flared over her fear. Still, she kept her face pressed into the pillow because experience had taught her that the nice Charlie came out to play if she left the situation alone for long enough. Still, she was more than a little uncomfortable, and the whole concept of where she was at that point was starting to feel rather violating. "Get off me."

Pushing himself up, Charlie rolled off Casey, kneeling on the end of the bed. "You're not very fun, Casey."

"I'm not very sexual, Charlie. If you wanted to date someone who put out, you should have picked someone else."

"I don't just want that. Jesus, Casey, I really do love you."

"There are times that I believe that with everything I have in my heart, Charlie. And, then, there are times like now, like when my heart is racing because I'm scared of you or angry." Casey fought with her pants, pulling them back up and buttoning them. "I love you, too, but you can't keep doing this to me. You just can't."

"You can't keep teasing me, Casey. One moment, you're wholly with me. The next, you're completely distracted and pushing me away. What am I supposed to think or do?"

"Not try to rape me!" Casey yelled, her fists balled with frustration. She groaned with a combination of anger and confusion.

"I'm not trying to rape you, Casey," Charlie protested, almost yelling. "I don't understand why you cannot even stand for me to see you even semi-naked. I don't understand. Explain it to me. And, don't revert back to the whole religion thing because you're not that strict with other Catholic practices. I mean, do you not think you're beautiful, because you're drop dead gorgeous. Just tell me."

"I have," Casey snapped. "I'm not ready. Every moment I think I am, I'm not. Something still holds me back, and it's not that I don't think I'm pretty, and I'm not worried that it'll hurt. I'm just not ready. I know it sucks for you, Charlie, but I don't want to do something that I'm going to regret later."

"What's to regret?"

"Look, I've had this idea in my head since I was fifteen that I would have sex for the first time with my husband. Husband, Charlie, not boyfriend. I want to know that I'll be with the same man for the rest of my life before I do anything. Call me a hopeless romantic, Charlie, but it's what I want. It's my body, and I only want to share it with one person." As she said that, her mind briefly drifted to her earlier encounter that day with Alex in the woman's office. She almost flushed, but being in the same room with Charlie and still being somewhat angry with him made her stop.

"Alright, fine," Charlie said, reaching over and stroking her hair. "You know, you've never told me that before. You've never really told me why you don't want to be touched sexually."

"I thought I did."

Crawling up beside Casey, Charlie caressed her cheek and neck. "You would just say no, and things would slow down."

"Charlie, I had to yell at you this time. You're right, most of the time, you let me go. You apologize. We do better the following day, but, Charlie, I can't fight you. It's not how I operate. Don't make me do something like that. Please."

Very carefully, Charlie leaned forward and kissed Casey. "I don't want to, Casey. I'm sorry."

Casey pressed her face into Charlie's hand, wrapping her arms around Charlie, rolling against him on the bed and burying her face into his shoulder. "Okay, now that's settled, I'm going to tuck you in for the night and head home. We'll pick up another day, in a better place. I don't want to fight with you about this or anything. I'm sorry I didn't give you the specifics. Next time, just ask for the specifics." She pecked his neck lightly before standing. "I'll see you this weekend for dinner?"

"Definitely," Charlie said with a smile.

Casey grabbed her jacket, pulling it around herself as she walked out of the front door. In the pit of her stomach, she still felt freaked out and uncomfortable. There was anger there that she did not think she could back herself up on no matter how much she wanted to. Part of her felt vulnerable knowing that it had taken that much to get Charlie to listen to her. She did not like the idea that it took so much for her to gain back control. It unsettled her more than she could begin to describe, but she did not want to give it up.

She caught the subway to her parents' house, the train stopping at the station closest to their home. The doors opened, and she made it half way off the train before turning back around, lip tucked into her mouth. She really did not feel like talking to her parents. The judgment that it would be her fault that she was uncomfortable around Charlie, and she would never, ever tell them about the sexual issues they were having. Instead of having to deal with that, she called the one woman who was not only her closest friend but the only person Casey could positively say would stay in her life for a long, long time.

"Ali?"

"Hey, hun," Alex's sleepy voice crawled over the phone. "What's up?"

"Did I wake you? I'm so sorry."

"No. You're alright. What's going on in your brain?"

Casey sighed, cradling the phone to her face with her hands. "Ali, can I come over?"

"Always. You know you don't even have to ask. Did something happen?"

"No. Nothing happened."

"Liar," Alex accused, but there was a smile in her tone as she said it. "You need to crash with me tonight?"

Casey was nodding before she realized that Alex could not see her. "Yes."

"Come on over, hot shot. I'll make you some cocoa."

"I could use some cocoa."

"Uh huh. I know. I know you well, beautiful lady."

"Thanks, Alex," Casey whispered, her heart beating faster, fast enough that she swore she could feel the throb of it in her wrists. She hung up her phone, rubbing her wrists, her fingers moving along the pulse points. It was easy and comforting talking to Alex, but she had never had her heart do that before just from talking to the woman. She was reminded, briefly of the ache she had felt earlier in Alex's office. She tried to think of any time she had felt the same when she was with Charlie, but the truth of the matter was that she had not. She had felt smaller, lighter, less heady versions of the same, but there was something expressly more powerful of a pull when it came to Alex. The scary part was admitting it. So much of Casey still held back when it came to being Alexandra's girlfriend. She still felt shame in parts of her soul when she kissed the woman, but she was getting better at silencing that little voice. It would take a great deal more work, but she was getting better.

The subway from her parents' to Alex's was quiet. The only other people on the car with her were two men with their heads together on the far side of the car. Casey honestly did not even think that they had noticed her appearance on the train. Nor, she thought, did they care. It was New York City, after all. It was the place people went when they wanted to disappear. In the city, a person could hide in plain sight, could blend in no matter what their flavor simply because it was New York. A man could walk down the street in a tutu and sandals, and no one would bat an eye. In fact, if he robbed a store on the way, Casey doubted that many people would be able to give a description of the man to the police.

Alex met Casey down at the subway stop, hands shoved in the pockets of her denim jacket as she leaned against the wall, abandoning her regality for the look of someone who knew how to take care of herself. Alex lived in a better part of the city, but it was not uptown where her parents lived or where she had hopes of living. Bad things still happened to women at night where Alex lived, just not nearly as often as in other sections of the city. Casey smiled as she saw Alex, the blond pushing off the wall, unable to hide her stature for much longer, a fall of cold power remaining around her, more like a silent threat to anyone around her. It was not a challenge, Casey knew, but a promise. Alex was not a scrapper, but she got her own in good time. She was terrifying in her own way, and, Casey noted, since starting with the District Attorney, had only become more terrifying.

Leaning into the safety that was Alexandra Cabot, Casey inhaled Alex's scent through the hug. She smelled of strawberries and champagne, of sophistication mixed with youth as if the two aspects of her personality were waging a constant war over the crawl of Alexandra's skin. "Let me see," Alex murmured, holding Casey just far enough away to get a good look at the woman's face.

Her eyes traveled over Casey's face and neck, her thumb moving along the swell of Casey's lip. "He hit you, didn't he? Honest to God hit you."

"It was an accident," Casey said, looking down. She went to suck her lip into her mouth and realized that it was sore. She had still been operating on adrenaline up until the point where she had called Alex. The ache in her body from his blows was only just settling in. "We were wrestling."

Alex's eyes said it all. She did not believe the woman before her was telling the truth about that part. "I cannot tell you what to do, Case. I would never presume to have that much power over you. But, I know it's getting worse. I know it'll just keep getting worse until one of two things happen – either you leave him or you die. I don't want to go to your funeral."

"There won't be one, Ali. Trust me. Things are fine. We were just messing around." Casey hugged Alex tighter briefly before letting her go except for her hand. "Now, I distinctly recall the promise of cocoa."

Alex frowned for a moment, then smiled. "Yea. I did promise you that," she murmured, bringing Casey's hand to her lips and kissing the backs of her fingers lightly.

Before she could stop herself, Casey found herself shivering, things low in her body tightening. Even after everything Charlie had done and all that had been said between them, Alex still made Casey feel instantly better. That little voice in the back of her head, not the one that told her to be ashamed of her affair or that her affair was with a woman, but the one that offered her comfort in the darkness, whispered out to her. _You better hold tight to this one_, it seemed to say, and Casey adjusted her hand in Alex's so that their fingers laced.

She was both comforted and terrified about the fact that it felt entirely natural.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Birthday post, part one. Thanks for all the reads and reviews. I don't know what happened to the alerts, but they seem to be working okay again now. Maybe? Hopefully, everyone gets their email about this chapter. **

**Steple - let me know what you think. **

**Everyone else - Also, let me know what you think. I love your reviews. They are the breath in my sometimes hectic days. **

**Enjoy.**

**(26)**

Time seemed to fly by over the next couple of weeks with Casey busy in the hands of Alex's uncle, flitting around the courthouse when he thought there was an interesting trial or hearing she could benefit from watching. Casey liked Judge Hermann, and he really seemed to look out for her. He had mentioned her bruised mouth the day after Charlie had punched her, but he had not pressed except to make it clear that if Casey needed help, she could ask him, and he would help.

However, it left little time for Casey to spend with Alex because her lunch breaks were being utilized in plotting ideas for Alex's birthday, a task with which the blond's uncle was more than happy to assist, fortunately for Casey. She would sit in the judge's chambers over lunch and bat ideas back and forth with him, trying to create what she hoped would be a perfect birthday.

"You know, Casey," Judge Hermann said one day as he looked up from case law he was reviewing in regards to a particular case that the attorneys were arguing over. "Alex has explained to me very briefly that you two are dating." Casey flushed a deep red and bowed her head, an act which did not go unnoticed by the man in the room. "She doesn't talk to me much about it, but I get the feeling that her perfect birthday, as you put it, would be somewhere with you."

"I still want to make it special, Bill," Casey said, sucking on her lip. "For everything she puts up with from me, she more than deserves a special night."

The judge just smiled. "I think she puts up with a lot less than you think, Casey. Alex practically grew up in my court room, you know. She started sitting in the same chair you sit in when we're in session when she was five. Her mother hated it, thought it exposed her to too much, but would she ever pitch a fit if her mom told her that she was not allowed to be here. She was sitting about where you are now when she was fifteen, telling me that she would do anything for the right woman."

"I thought Ali was bi?" Casey made it a question.

"She says she is," the judge answered with a shrug. "I've seen her date men, Casey, but I've never seen her eyes light up the way they do when she talks about you."

Casey nodded. "She says she loves me in a way that she's never loved anyone before, that it started before we even started dating, when she was so sure I would never look at her that way."

Bill chuckled. "If I remember your lunch time confessions from last week, Case, you didn't think you would look at a woman that way." Casey flushed, looking down again. "It's nothing to be ashamed about, though. The heart wants what the heart wants. And, when two hearts want the same thing, it makes it even harder to argue that it's wrong."

Slowly, Casey looked up, surprise clear on her face. Then again, she had not expected to get relationship advice from the judge. Career advice, sure, but nothing about love. Chewing at her lip, Casey recovered. "Bill, Ali's birthday falls on a Friday. Do you think I could have that day off to prepare a few things?"

Bill nodded. "Sure, Casey. You let me know if you need any help."

"Actually, I could use your help in convincing her to take of early from work if she protests my suggestion."

"What time?"

"I have plans for lunch time on."

The judge nodded again. "Alright. Though, I'm sure she'll be happy to take the afternoon off if it means spending time with you. Why don't you go over to Liz's division this afternoon and sit in on closing arguments? I already told her I was going to send you that way. I'll make my ruling on this, and the rest of the afternoon will be pretty drab here. I hear she's got a live one in her court room, though. Something about a robbery. You'll have to fill me in when you get back."

"Thanks, Bill." Casey looked up at the clock and found it to be almost one. She would have just enough time to get down to Judge Donnelly's division before they went back on the record, and she wanted to find out where the judge wanted her – in the audience or by the bench to help out if and where she could. The red head had only met the judge once before, but she knew her well enough to know that the more petite woman was finely controlled fire. It made her an interesting but terrifying judge.

The judge had her sit in the audience since she had her own clerk and thought that the experience would be better had for the soon to be lawyer if she could really watch both parties – something she could not do from the bench very well based on how the court room was set up. Casey slipped into a bench on the public side of the court room and watched, intent on not only each attorney's words, but also their motions and actions. It was as much a theatrical production as anything, and the acts were important.

It also gave her some time to think about her plans for Alex that Friday. She had already gotten most of what she wanted for the woman's birthday surprise, but she still had a few finishing touches that she wanted to put on their afternoon. It was, after all, Alexandra's birthday, and Casey really did want to make it special. She knew that her birthday the year before had been put on by some of their friends from the Cambridge area and while it was fun, there had been something missing with Alex. She had not seemed to truly enjoy herself. Casey thought that it might have been because it was too big, and she wound up entertaining guests to a party that she had not even really wanted to throw. It was why, that year, Casey wanted Alex to just be able to enjoy herself and be entertained for once.

Casey remained distracted until Friday, barely tracking the closing arguments from the trial in Donnelly's division and managing to focus just long enough to get her work done for Judge Hermann. On the bright side, he cut her some slack even if he did tease her a little for being so dedicated to his niece. She appreciated the teasing as well as the easy going nature Alex's family had towards sex and sexuality. It made it easy to talk to Bill about Alex's likes and dislikes and do a little digging to make sure the night really would be perfect for the woman without feeling like she were breaking some taboo about women dating women. It was something, she knew, Alex could never ask Casey's family about except, perhaps, Stephanie.

Her distraction also meant that Friday at noon came both too quickly and not quickly enough. She was trapped in one of those strange time limbos until she managed to make it to Alex's office before the attorney did, plopping herself in a chair and waiting for the woman. Alex had already left the courthouse when Casey had checked in on her division. Casey did not know where the blond had gone or what she had done that allowed the red head to beat her into the office, but Casey was there early nonetheless.

It was several minutes after Casey arrived that Alex finally walked in, her little dolly behind her, box filed with files from that morning's docket. "In a city where cars cannot move more than a few feet at a time, how does anyone manage to get an alcohol related driving charge?" Alex asked.

Casey smiled softly. "Because only people in New York are that talented. Long morning?"

"Yes," Alex said, "but, that's okay because now I get to spend an afternoon with my favorite person." She set the box of files by her desk, folding up the dolly and tucking it behind a bookshelf so that it was out of sight. "I just have to finish up a motion, and then we'll duck out of here."

"Sounds good," Casey said with a warm smile. "Let me know if I can help you."

"I'm alright. Just talk to me."

Alex slid into her seat behind her desk and Casey stood from her chair, walking over to the woman, turning her chair around to face her. "Well, for starters, happy birthday, Alexandra," Casey murmured, her mouth covering Alex's warmly. Alex moaned into Casey's mouth, her hand in the red head's hair, pulling her closer, a place Casey seemed only glad to go.

With a smile, Casey pulled away, offering a chaste kiss to part before leaning against Alex's desk. "That's saying a lot," Alex purred with a smile. "Mm, you taste like cherries. New lip gloss?"

Casey nodded, licking her own lips. "It's a 'kissable' brand or something. I'm glad you like it as well as I do."

Nodding, Alex reached her hand over to Casey, pulling her back into her lap, mouth against hers, tongue flicking over the woman's full, cherry flavored lips before pressing deeper into her mouth, tracing every possible inch of her mouth, memorizing it. As they kissed, Casey surprised Alex by running her hand between them, her fingers soft over her chest, delicately finding the buttons to her light green blouse and twisting them free from the button holes. Freeing Alex's cleavage, Casey ran her fingers over the pale, bare skin above her lacy white bra. Her fingers traced up the bra strap, pushing it from Alex's shoulder, adjusting herself in the blond's lap as she did.

Alex's hands automatically moved to Casey's skirt, pushing it higher on her thighs as the woman straddled her. When Casey's lips moved from Alex's to the woman's neck, it caught Alex completely off guard, the blond having to bit her lip to suppress the groan that wanted to surface. They were, after all, still in the office. Casey's mouth moved lower, hovering for a moment over the lowest part of Alex's exposed chest, just before her skin vanished into her bra. When she kissed that part, too, Casey ran her teeth carefully over the pale white skin, almost tasting Alex's heart rate leap into her mouth as her breathing increased as well.

"Casey," Alex whispered, the syllables an obvious effort to get out of her mouth. "Honey, if you're going to keep that up, we're not going to be able to stay here."

With a smile, Casey kissed Alex's lips again, the skin she had just abandoned flaring a light red. "Oh, but Alex, I have a full afternoon planned out for your birthday." Casey took Alex's hands and ran them up her bare thighs since her stockings only went as high as her knees. Alex bit her lip, hard. Casey let out a low whimper as Alex spread her fingers beneath Casey's hands, her nails grazing over the skin, the movement alone making things tight in Casey's groin.

"We're going to be late for lunch," Casey murmured, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck, the blond's hands still on her thighs, still moving neat, little circles around her deathly white skin. Automatically, Casey ground into Alex's body, trying to find some purchase on instinct for relief. She flushed when she realized what she was doing, but as long as Alexandra's fingers were making those patterns on her skin, Casey could not help it. She needed to find some way to relieve that tight sensation, and her body seemed to know exactly how.

Smiling, Alex kissed Casey's nose. "Well, if you're in a hurry, you're really bad at showing as much." Alex rested her hands on Casey in such a manner and with enough force that the red haired beauty was unable to alleviate the pressure building inside of her.

"Alex," Casey breathed, her tone as admonishing as she could possibly make it. The reality was, it did not sound very admonishing what so ever. In fact, it sounded breathy and desperate, as though Casey could not quite catch her breath to even say her girlfriend's name.

"Something wrong, hot shot?" Alex teased with a knowing smile. "Why don't you stand up and we'll be on our way?" The smile on her lips was reflected tenfold in her tone, and Casey groaned, burying her face into Alex's shoulder.

Casey groaned, her breath hot on Alex's neck. "You are not being fair," she murmured.

"Really?" Alex teased. "Do tell."

Fighting with herself proved difficult, but Casey was able to stand up, away from Alex even though she really did not want to abandon her perch on the lawyer's lap. "I really did plan a nice afternoon, Alex. I don't want to miss it."

"You know, the best afternoon I could have would just be spent with you, Casey. We could just go sit on a park bench all afternoon and talk, and I could think of nothing better."

Casey smiled. "Then, hopefully, this will top that. Come on. You can write your motion later. This weekend." Casey beamed at Alex who sighed. It was difficult to argue with that. She could finish it over the weekend. It was not due until Monday. Pulling Alex standing proved easy, and, sufficiently distracted, Casey noticed that the clenching throb between her legs had dulled to a mild discomfort. It was not a bad thing, she supposed, but it was still frustrating, nonetheless, and she moved her legs to try and at least relieve some of the remaining pressure. She found that it both helped and hindered, and she could not bring herself to do it again out of sheer embarrassment, though if Alex had seen her move, she had not indicated that she had.

Instead, Alex laced her fingers in Casey's and pulled her out of the office through the back door by her small office. "Alright, then. Where are we going?"

Grinning, Casey smoothed her hand over her skirt. "Lunch first. Your uncle told me you have a real thing for this Lebanese place not far from here."

"Yea," Alex said, "that you need reservations weeks in advance for."

"Apparently your uncle isn't just a fantastic judge. He got us a table for twelve thirty today." Casey smiled, quickly kissing Alex's cheek after glancing around to make sure none of the woman's coworkers were there to see it. Not that there was anything wrong with Alex being out, but Casey knew that it would put a cramp in Alex's career. She would ever be defending herself against homophobes rather than pursuing the political campaign Casey knew she eventually wanted to pursue once she had a few years under her belt.

"Impressive," Alex murmured, her voice low in Casey's ear such that the red head shuddered, clutching tightly to Alex's hand. "I can think of something I would rather do than eat lunch, though." Her lids drooped, heavy over her eyes for the briefest of moments before opening again with a new light, almost a new shade leaning more to lavender than the gray Casey had become accustomed to looking in to. Yet, though the woman's eyes seemed a lighter shade, they were most definitely darker.

Casey's chest rose and fell in rapid succession. "Your eyes are purple," she breathed.

"They do that when I really want something," Alex responded, a touch of cheek to her tone. "And, unless you're going to cave and give it to me, I think we ought to be going." There was something mildly possessive in her voice when Alex said that, but it was not the same kind of tone Charlie used when he told Casey that she was his. The possession in Alexandra's voice made Casey's heart miss a beat. It excited her in the same way that Alex's touch excited her, and that terrified her at the same time.

"Then, I guess we ought to get going because some things, I just cannot do here," Casey purred with a slick smile, like she was thinking things Alex could never guess about. Or, she was hinting at things Alex would guess about, and the surprise on Alex's face, her eyes widening at the implication, told Casey that her tease had worked.

"You're getting rather bold," Alex observed, her voice quiet as she followed Casey down the sidewalk and away from work for the weekend.

Casey flushed, turning her head from Alex's view. "I'm not as innocent as I was two years ago, Ali. You've made sure of that."

"I don't think I'm the only one," Alex whispered, but she wrapped her arms around Casey's waist, drawing her to a halt before kissing her neck softly. "You didn't really want to stay that innocent, did you?"

Following Alex's hands up her arms with her finger tips, Casey sighed. "No. I was always the awkward one in groups, the one who didn't get it." She smiled, laughing lightly. "Now, I'm the deviant one. Who would have thought?"

Smiling, Alex pressed her hand against the small of Casey's back, gently pushing her forward to start walking again. "You are the mistress of deviance, Casey Anne," Alex teased, "a role that would suit you quite well. It is, after all, the quiet ones you have to watch out for."

Their lunch was relaxing, and they simply chattered and teased and passed their plates back and forth until both plates wound up in the middle of the table with the women eating from both as they pleased. Beneath the low table, Casey's feet had wrapped around Alex's as they played up and down each other's calves throughout the meal, tension strumming between them so tight that Alex was sure the waiter had noticed it because he seemed somewhat uncomfortable talking to them. Yet, Casey was not too worried because Alex seemed to know the man, too. Then again, that would explain a lot since it was one of her favorite restaurants in the city.

Other than that, though, they talked about work and plans for the rest of the summer including making plans to head to the water park one weekend for some relaxation well deserved on both of their parts. Alex asked Casey about her internship and was given over several stories from the past two weeks that she had seldom heard since she had not heard much from Casey during that time. Casey confessed that she was torn about the end of the summer in a month and a half time because that meant leaving New York and leaving Alex.

"I'm always a phone call away, Casey," Alex said, with a smile as she reached across the table and brushed Casey's hair behind her ears. "You pick up that phone any time you need and you call me. I'll talk all night with you if you want."

"You better," Casey said. She had not told Alex that she would be moving in with Charlie for their last year of law school. And, she had long decided that she would not tell Alex on her birthday the same. She knew Alex would not approve; she knew Alex did not approve of Charlie. It was less the whole dating two people open relationship thing as it was the whole Charlie thing. Alex just did not like the man. Casey knew it was because she sensed that Charlie maltreated her, but she could not bring herself to accept that his maltreatment of her was not solely her fault or the fault of his disease. Casey could not wrap her head around the idea that it might just be Charlie. And, if Charlie's parents were to be believed, he was at his best with Casey. They loved her to death because they viewed her as saving their son.

"I'm going to call at least once a week," Casey promised, "if not more often than that. I want to hear about every trial you have as well."

Alex laughed. "You got it. That means you gotta tell me about your classes and your mock trial work ups, though, too."

"Every gory, boring detail," Casey promised.

"Good," Alex murmured. "Let's go. Even if we're early to leave, I would love to just spend some time walking around with you. I like how your hand fits in mine."

Casey flushed. "Okay, let me just get the check."

Alex laughed. "Casey, my uncle set up the table. It means lunch is already paid for. Trust me."

"What? But, I," Casey stammered.

"Don't worry about it, Casey. It's his way of hoping we have a good time out together." Alex waved goodbye to the waiter as they left, cuddling Casey to her as they walked out onto the sidewalk, her arm over Casey's shoulders.

Casey slipped her fingers between Alex's as she laid her head against her shoulder while they walked. "You have the most amazing, supportive family ever, you know that," Casey said.

"I know. I'm grateful for them every day. With our family name and social background, I could have done much, much worse with the family I was born into. As it stands, I think I'm the luckiest sapphist in America. Maybe the world."

"Why is that?" Casey asked, her brow knitting.

Alex shrugged. "Well, it's a nice day in New York for starters. My family supports me regardless of who I date as long as they are good to me. My family supports the intricacies of my friends' and my girlfriend's lives. I have a beautiful woman pressed against me whom I care for very much and who planned a great afternoon for my birthday. Yeah, Casey, I'd say I'm a pretty lucky girl."

Flushing a deep crimson, Casey took her time finding her words, in part so that she did not stumble over them as she was prone to doing when embarrassed. "I'm pretty lucky, too, Alex. I have you here for me no matter what happens, and I know you'll always be good and kind to me. I have a place in this world where I feel safe and comfortable and wanted, and it's in your arms. Things that may be overwhelming don't seem nearly so stressful when I talk to you. You work feats of magic on my soul, Alex, and I could not be luckier. I might even be luckier than you are."

Alex smiled, kissing Casey's forehead. "I doubt that, hot shot."

"Turn left here," Casey instructed.

"Where are we going?"

"Hop the subway to the Met."

"Opera?"

Casey nodded. "A little bird told me you were a sucker for opera."

From her angle, Casey could not see Alex's smile, but she could hear it plain as day in her voice. "A little bird did, did he? Well, now."

Casey shrugged. "It's a comedy I thought you might like. L'Elisir d'Amore."

Nodding, Alex ran her thumb over Casey's fingers. "I've heard of it. Never seen it. I'm kind of excited. It's in Italian, you know."

"Yep. That's the only downside for me. I don't speak Italian."

"I don't know much," Alex admitted. "I know enough to get by, but not much."

"I'm sure we can figure out what's going on. The playbill probably has information on it and we can go from there."

"Have you never been to the opera?" Alex asked of Casey after a moment's worth of hesitation. Casey shook her head. "Wow. So, I'm popping your opera cherry."

Casey flushed. "Alex," she murmured, shaking her head.

"What?"

"Nothing," Casey said hastily. "Never mind. Are we dressed alright?"

Alex looked them both over, her eyes lingering on Casey's body, tracing the curve of her neck and shoulders through her chest and across her stomach and hips, observing her soft, yellow tank top and loose, white cardigan, down her legs clad in soft, brown skirt and stockings, and back up again very slowly, appreciation in her gaze. It made Casey's skin crawl in ways that she had never before known by glance alone. "For an afternoon opera, we're dressed fine."

"Something about the way you say that," Casey murmured, shaking her head, lips pressed in a tight line.

"What?" Alex asked, false innocence in her voice. Casey gave her a dark look. "Oh, come now, my darling, I can't help but to tease. There are so many things I want to do to you. So many that pop into my head at the mere sight of you." Alex's voice went intentionally melodramatic, and she giggled softly as she concluded her miniature drama.

"Alex," Casey murmured, her mouth open as though she were about to say something. As the blond cocked her head in earnest curiosity, Casey closed her mouth, shaking her head. "Never mind."

"That's twice," Alex said.

"Huh?"

"Twice that you've asked me to not mind you saying my name. Do you intend to tell me what occupies your mind so much?"

Casey shook her head. "No, I don't think that I can. Not right here, not now. Maybe later, okay? Over cocoa."

"Over cocoa, then," Alex agreed. "But, you would tell me if something were not okay?"

"Immediately," Casey mused, her hand caressing Alex's hip as she wrapped an arm around her side.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: I hate to say it, but some of you are going to dislike me a little from what I can read in your reviews. Hopefully, though, you will all understand it and track it. And, even more hopefully, you still enjoy this chapter. Thank you for your reviews and reads on the previous chapter. **

**(27)**

An afternoon opera was just what Alex needed to feel at peace, a good thing really since she had been struggling with a misdemeanor domestic violence case that has landed on her docket. Domestic violence was handled very specially by the NYPD if it fell into the realm of a felony, but with a misdemeanor, it was any cop's game, and the officer that had responded to the scene was not Alex's favorite. He would be, in short, horrible to put on the stand. He hated women in that special way some men do, and that really rubbed Alex the wrong way. If she had to have him testify, he was just as likely to say on the stand that the woman deserved it for all that he could say. So it was that Casey's warm hand in hers in the darkness of the Met was precisely what she needed to unwind.

Every so often, Casey's hand would tighten around hers as she laughed in time with the audience. With the scene and the characters, very little Italian actually needed to be understood to reap the full benefits of the opera. Alex found herself laughing easily as well, laughing not only at the theatrical performance but also at Casey's reactions - a wrinkled nose here, a soft and secretive smile there. There were times Alex had glanced at the woman beside her to find that Casey was watching her with a deep, intense stare, as if she were trying to memorize her before it was too late. But then, they were halfway through Casey's summer vacation, and Alex knew they were both dreading Casey going back to Cambridge. Alex, dually. For one, she would miss the red head who had become so engrained in her life that Alex did not know what she would do in her absence. Second, though, because Alex feared that Charlie's fear of the blond lawyer was the only thing standing in Charlie's way of utter control over Casey. With that influence gone, Alex was not sure what would happen.

Alex knew Casey thought she hid it well. It was not an entirely true statement. In fact, Alex would argue that it was obvious. Casey flinched around strangers, squeezed Alex's hand a little tighter when someone accidentally bumped into her or jostled them on the train. Alex could see fear fly through Casey's eyes when men were too close to her. And, on the nights Casey slept in her bed, the red head would sometimes whimper or cry out in her sleep, a muttered 'please, stop' sealing for Alex what she thought she already knew.

The thing was, Casey was a strong woman with a strong support system in Alex and the blond's family. Alex could not imagine Casey's own parents expecting Casey to suffer physical abuse, either. Surely, they would support her decision in obtaining a new boyfriend. So whatever magic it was that possessed Casey to stay with Charlie, Alex was of the belief that it was because Charlie had broken that fragile piece inside Casey that had never been exposed to the world, that yearned to please everyone and bore the kind of innocence that saw good in everyone else no matter what. He had broken what remained of the Casey Alex had first met, and in so breaking it, claimed it. Alex genuinely feared Charlie's hold over Casey could one day turn deadly.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Casey asked, her voice quiet as the lights rose for intermission. She ran her hand over Alex's knuckles with the barest of touches. Alex couldn't stop herself from shivering, her eyes dilating by way of response. "Honey?"

Alex allowed a warm smile to cross her features as she leaned over the seat and kissed Casey chastely. "You," Alex murmured, her tone talking as if she were in a haze somewhere far down the line. "Everything about you."

Casey flushed, dipping her head as they both stood. "Are they at least good thoughts?"

Alex nodded. "It's very difficult to have a bad thought about you, Casey, and if I did, I would be lying."

Casey flushed even deeper. "I'm not that good of a person, Alex." Her voice was a guilty whisper that made Alex's brow twist in a mixture of confusion and concern.

"I never said you were a saint, Casey. We both know you're not, and, quite frankly, you can't be a saint if you want to be a prosecutor, a lawyer of any kind, really. I see your flaws, Casey, I really do, some that I don't know if you see them yourself, but I'll be incredibly honest if you let me. Your flaws are as much a part of you as your successes, and when I fell for you, I fell for the whole damn package. As far as I can tell, your imperfections only make you more beautiful and alluring body, soul, and mind. You are, also, a good person." Alex reached forward and stroked Casey's hair from her face. "You are good and beautiful and intelligent and thoughtful and remarkable and amazing. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong."

Biting her lip, Casey half turned as if looking for something dropped in their seats. "What if the person is me?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Alex tucked her finger under Casey's chin and forced her face up. In silence, she waited until Casey's eyes met her own. "Honey, two things. One, I'm not wrong about my assessment of you. But, more importantly, the second thing is that if you feel that way about yourself, then it's because you're mimicking what someone else has told you, maybe for a long time, maybe not so long, but who else thinks you're less than what I've said that is more important to you than I am?"

Casey shook her head. "No one's more important to me than you are. I love you, Ali. And, not like I think I've loved anyone else. There's an indefinite pull like something deep and dark inside of me is inexplicably drawn to you, to everything about you."

Blinking rapidly, Alex fought to cover her surprise. Finally, in her best effort, she managed to let a smile slide onto her face, lips parted just slightly in that way they did when she would day dream or write motions in her head while others around her were talking to her.

Casey leaned forward, one hand gently on Alex's chest, and kissed the blond very softly on the mouth. It seemed enough to motivate Alex to stir, and she kissed Casey back, her own hand keeping Casey's against her chest, pressed just over her rapidly beating heart. "I would be a terrible liar if I said I didn't love you, too, Casey. I love you. And, I've never said that to anyone I've dated before."

"How vested are you in this opera?" Casey asked with a warm, mischievous grin.

Alex laughed. "Not incredibly. It's a good show, I'm sure, but I've got better things on my mind. Why?"

"Because I suddenly just want to go to that damn park bench you were talking about earlier and just talk to you. I mean really talk to you."

"Not that I'm opposed, Case, but don't we already do that?"

Casey shrugged, her cheeks turning rouge. "That doesn't mean I get enough," she mused, embarrassed.

"For your company, Casey, I'd go anywhere." Casey looped her hand in Alex's and pulled the woman towards the exit and out into the New York sunshine. It was actually rather humid in the city, but both women were readily accustomed to such things. Habitually, Casey licked her lips as the taste of pollution rubbed over them, a gesture that reminded her with a burst of cherry of hours previous. She was getting bold. The problem was that, while she adored Alex, she was not sure how she felt about her new found sexuality.

They never did stop at the park. Instead, they wore away the hours like they wore holes in their shoes, wandering the city until the sunlight cast a golden glow on the windows. Even then, they really only stopped long enough to purchase two hot dogs from a street vendor, resuming walking while they ate. In a way, it was the easiest, most comfortable relationship Alex had ever been in. And, for Casey whose experiences were the extreme polarities Charlie displayed and the even keeled and tender but somewhat dissociated Alexandra, it was easy to pick the woman over the man. At least, as she walked along a street lamp lit roadway, it was.

Inevitably, Alex guided the two of them back to her apartment. She had no ulterior motives in not riding the subway back to Casey's parents with her. In fact, her only real motive was making sure Casey was safe for the night, and she had grown into the habit of knowing the red head was, indeed, quite safe when she slept the night with Alex.

"Tea?" Alex asked as she pawed through her drawers to find two night shirts and pajama pants. "It's up to you, Case, but I figure we can make a fort on the floor and camp out with a movie or two."

"I vote for both," Casey agreed with a shy smile. Alex nodded, tossing Casey a pair of pajamas before changing without a second thought. Casey hesitated, watching Alex change as though her movements were something she might be quizzed on later.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, sitting cross legged on the bed, Casey still in her skirt outfit.

"Nothing." Smiling sheepishly, Casey focused her attentions on undressing and changing into her borrowed clothes.

Alex shook her head. "I don't believe you, but alright. If you want to talk about whatever it is, you let me know. You know where I sleep."

Casey laughed. "And how."

As Alex took over the kitchen, Casey collected the blankets in the apartment as well as the pillows and anything else she could find that she deemed remotely useful for fort building and set to work on a project she had not undergone in well over ten years.

It did not take her much to convert the couch into something that was both large enough for two adult women and complex enough to qualify as a fort. Grabbing the last two remaining pillows, Casey sandwiched herself between two blankets at the heart of the fort, her head and arms peeking out as she propped herself up to watch the television, the movie one of which she had already picked out and fast forwarded through the advertisements, pausing at the image of the moon and the child fishing.

"My, you've outdone yourself, Casey. That is some camping ground." Alex set the two cups of tea on the floor in front of Casey before snuggling in beside her. "What are we watching?"

"A movie," Casey purred.

Giggling, Alex wrinkled her nose. "Fine, be all coy and shit."

"I will." Casey offered a triumphant smile before falling into a fit of giggles. "Hey, Alex?" she asked as she laid herself against the other woman.

"Hm?"

"Thank you for spending your birthday with me."

Alex grinned, wrapping her arm around Casey and drawing her closer. "I couldn't think of a better present than to spend the day with you. I should be thanking you. And, everything you arranged was priceless, Casey. The entire afternoon was, by far, the best afternoon I've had, maybe second to the afternoon I met you. It's a pretty tough call."

"That is a tough one. I liked talking to you today. I know we spend late nights and lunch hours on philosophy, but it was nice this afternoon to just talk without barriers."

"Barriers?" Alex asked.

Shrugging, Casey bit her lip. "Yea. I mean, I know it's stupid but I don't want to say something in court or at the office because I don't want to damage your blossoming reputation. That, and I don't know how I feel about being labeled as bisexual or whatever the hell I am."

Alex hummed her agreement. "Fair enough. What about at night?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to say something that will make you pull away from me. I like the feel of you around me, Ali, and I know it's safe and warm. I'm an idiot, but I'm terrified of losing that."

"You're not an idiot, sweetheart. That's a valid fear. Someone taught you that, but there is nothing you said today or ever to me that would make me less likely to hold you in my arms."

Casey softly pressed her lips to Alex's. "That's part of what I love about you," she murmured, pulling away. "You're infinitely understanding of me, even when I don't understand myself."

They cuddled together, switching off the lights, settling in for an older movie that Alex had picked up at the video store but had never actually watched. The acting was more or less terrible and the plot line was worse, but it was, oddly, enjoyable nonetheless. As the movie concluded, rather than put in another one, they simply fell into talking about anything and everything that came to mind. Alex learned that Casey was on the fence about having children. The red head really did not want them, but she figured it came with the territory of being married and had long since accepted it. Casey learned that in high school, Alex started smoking cigarettes. While Alex had long since quit, it had made for an interesting family dynamic there for a time since both of her parents vehemently opposed smoking.

Eventually, conversation dwindled leaving Casey lying against Alex, their noses so close together they were almost touching, Casey's eyes closed and fluttering as Alex traced designs up and down Casey's arm, fingertips only just touching the skin. Gradually, Alex's fingers roved higher up Casey's arm until her shoulder was encompassed in the design. Then, Casey's neck and jaw and chin. In slow, small circles, Alex moved her fingers over Casey's cheeks, her own eyes watching every facial twitch and breath the red head took. Casey might have been getting increasingly bold over the weeks, but Alex did not know how bold. She still did not want to frighten the red head.

Alex's free hand moved to Casey's hip, making designs over the cloth of the pants. Skin rose in gooseflesh wherever Alexandra touched with either hand, and even in the near dark of the living room, Alex could see that Casey's nipples were erect with arousal. "Ali," Casey whimpered, her tone betraying her desires. Alex felt Casey shift under the covers beside her, her legs pressing tighter together. "Oh, my God."

Teasing just a little more, Alex ran her fingers over Casey's lips, a tight pull starting between her own legs, not unlike ones that had cropped up before, ones that Alex had been able to do nothing about out of sheer loyalty towards Casey. Alex released an involuntary, strangled cry when Casey's mouth opened, sucking her two fingers into her mouth. Casey's tongue moved over Alex's fingers, dancing at near perfect angles. Green eyes met Alex's gray ones in the dim light, and it was almost everything Alex could do. Something about the way Casey did what she did, though, did not sit well with Alex. A disturbing thought crossed Alex's mind, but she did not dare to continue on that path, and Casey did not give her the time to do so as she released Alex's fingers, kissing her lips chastely. Alex groaned.

Casey moved against Alex again, the kiss deeper that second time than it had been the first. As if it were its own natural place, Casey's hand once more fell against Alex's chest, monitoring the rise and fall of the blond's body and the thrumming of her heart.

Inside their little cushion hut, Casey nibbled mildly at Alex's ear lobe earning herself a startled gasp from the attorney. It was that reaction that bid her to continue her efforts, even taking teeth against Alex's neck, the soft nibbles accompanied by warm breath and even warmer bodies pressed together. Alex's fingers danced through Casey's hair, pushing her locks over her shoulder so that Alex could see the trail of kisses Casey danced along the cut of Alex's shirt, a lower cut number that showed, vibrantly, the red hickey Casey had left behind from their earlier escapades.

Alex whimpered softly as Casey found the small bruise, drawing the skin into her mouth again. "Casey," Alex breathed, her fingers making trails of gooseflesh rise along Casey's back under the tee shirt.

Casey's hand slid from Alex's chest and down her stomach, wriggling into the space between the fabric of the nightshirt and the skin of the woman pressed up against her. Alex moved, sliding Casey so that she was almost under her, making it difficult for the red head to play her fingers across Alex's stomach as she had intended. "Casey," Alex breathed, her eyes darting over Casey's face and upper body to where they melted together beneath the bed clothes. She groaned, her head tipping backwards, eyes closed as she both tried to avoid the image and memorize it as the same time because she knew she was about to shut down everything. "What are you doing?"

Caught off guard by the question, Casey blinked a few times before responding. "Exactly what you think I'm doing, Ali," Casey murmured. "Sorry if I'm not very good."

"Oh, God, Casey, you, you're, it was very hard to make you stop, let me just put it that way."

"Then why did you stop me?" Casey asked, confused. "You've had sex before."

"But, you haven't."

"There's a first time for everything."

Smiling down at Casey, Alex nodded. "And, I'm flattered. I really am. God, Casey, if you only knew. It means a lot to me because I know how much it means to you. But, you were the one who wanted to wait until you were married, remember?"

"I know," Casey said with a shy, troubled frown. "Part of me still does, but part of me also knows that you and I, we aren't getting married. No matter how much I love you, that's just not going to happen. The Church would throw a fit, first of all, and my parents would really disown me. And, it's knowing that because I would never be able to marry you I am satisfied breaking that vow if it means my first time being in the hands of someone I love who loves me and who isn't going to hurt me or laugh at me."

Carefully, Alex tucked Casey's hair behind her ear. "Honey, why now? Why tonight?"

"It's your birthday, Ali." Casey looked genuinely confused.

Alex shook her head. "So? You mean to tell me that you're giving me yourself as a present?" Case nodded. "Casey, that sounds like slavery."

"When you put it that way," Casey said with a frown. She sat up, Alex falling back to Casey's knees, their heads brushing the top of their bunker as they hunched over to avoid knocking the fort over. "That's not what I meant. I mean that I've thought about this, Alex. I've thought long and hard because this is not something I take lightly. Everything I feel for you and everything in my gut tells me this is right. This is the right time."

Alex frowned, though a tug of a smile played at the corners of her lips. "Oh, hot shot, I wish you could see the look on your face right now. You look so confused. You're not really sure about your answer, are you?"

Sighing, Casey shook her head.

"Where did you learn to suck on fingers the way that you do?" Alex asked.

Casey flushed. "Charlie," she whispered, sounding so ashamed.

Alex nodded. "Has he talked to you about sex yet?"

"I guess," Casey said with a shrug, arms wrapped around her body as she tried not to cry.

Alex bit her lip. It was clearly a difficult issue, and the blond was suddenly very glad that Charlie stayed the hell away from her in New York. She might need bail money the next time she saw him. "How did that go?"

"Not very well, I suppose. He doesn't understand why I won't have sex with him, and he keeps bringing the idea up." Casey's nails dug into her skin. "He says that if I loved him like I say I do, it wouldn't be an issue."

"Ah," Alex said, her brows popping. "That makes sense. You're trying to prove that you love me since you told me you loved me today. Casey, let me let you in on a little secret. Sex is sex. It's completely different than love. You don't need love to have sex, trust me on this one. But, the reverse is also true. You don't need sex to have love. They're separate entities, honey, and while I would adore having one partner the rest of my life if she were the right woman, I don't think you making that decision in these circumstances is the best thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Your first time only happens once, Casey. Will you wake up in the morning regretting the decision to have sex?" Casey did not respond. "Sex is sex. You can do it with anyone, anytime. And, you have plenty of life left. Don't rush, and don't give up your ideals because of me or Charlie. I think it's commendable to wait until you're married, and it's sweet that even though we'll never marry that you want to give me your first time, but if you do that, Casey, I want that to be your only reason, not because Charlie's put it in you that you have to have sex with someone if you love them. Sex should never be a duty. Love should never be a duty. When it is, then it's not love anymore."

Casey tucked her lower lip into her mouth, nodding. After a few seconds of silence, Alex ran her fingers over Casey's cheek, finding what she feared would be there. "Talk to me, Casey," Alex whispered, brushing the tears away with her thumb before pulling the woman close to her.

"I don't know," Casey babbled. "I don't know why I'm crying. It's stupid of me, I know."

Alex kissed Casey's forehead. "You know I'm not saying no to you, right?"

Casey nodded. "You're rejecting my logic, Alex, and it makes sense. I, I honestly think I'm relieved you said no."

"Why is that?" Alex asked, her voice gentle as she worked to soothe Casey's trembling body with the solidity of her own.

Burying her face into Alex's neck, Casey inhaled her scent, automatically relaxing against the blond. There was no longer any sexual heat between them, just the warmth and safety that under rode everything about the closeness of their relationship. Even when that sexualized spark had flown between them, Casey had felt safe, afraid but loved and safe. Slowly, Casey managed to meet Alex's eyes. "I don't think I'm ready. I think I want to be so badly, but I'm not."

"Then we won't. Casey, you have nothing to prove between us. You say you love me, and I believe you with everything that I am. You do things for me that are special and considerate, and I know you really think about me, really know who I am. I don't need anything else from you. What you give me is more than I could ever ask for, and I'm blessed for it." Alex held Casey tight to her, enjoying the feel of the woman beside her, of her breathing steadying and her trembling stopping all because Casey trusted her. It was, by itself, the most rewarding sensation Alex had ever felt.

With a nod, Casey scooted back just enough to be able to look Alex in the eye again, the lines of their bodies touching from the stomach down, but Casey arched slightly away from Alex. "Ali, I meant it when I said I want my first time to be with you. I love you. I also trust you. That is something I'm so sure about, it hurts."

Alex smiled, pressing their bodies together again and kissing Casey, not deeply but not innocently, either. It was a warm kiss filled with passion and tender with love. "I'm honored, Casey. I truly am. And, I would love to be your first, but not now. I'll be your anything whenever you're ready for me to be it. Really ready, Casey."

"Thank you," Casey whispered, something in her tone saying that she really just was not certain of what to say to the blond woman lying beside her.

Smiling, Alex pulled the woman closer to her. "You have nothing to thank me for, Case."

"For knowing me better than I know myself."

"That's my job."

Warm, safe, and truly content, Casey snuggled tight against Alex, happy to be held in her arms with no strings, no hidden messages, and no fear that Alex would abandon her over sexual matters. It was actually far more relaxing than she realized. With the stress she had not even realized was there lifted from her shoulders, body coiled tight against her girlfriend's, Casey slept soundly for the first time in weeks.


	28. Chapter 28

**(28) **

Twisting her fork through her greens, Casey looked up from her salad and across the table. Her parents, who adored Charlie as much as Charlie's parents adored Casey, her younger siblings, and Charlie were all munching on a variety of foods. It was, Casey supposed, the perk of going to a restaurant. As always, Casey's father sat furthest from the door where he could see the most. Her two younger teenaged siblings sat beside him, the youngest between them and Casey's mother. Opposite the table from her mother, Casey and Charlie sat, Casey between her brother and her boyfriend.

"What's wrong, hun?" Charlie asked, his hand sliding over her thigh under the table.

Casey jumped, startled out of her thoughts. The rest of the table turned to look at her as if expecting an answer or at the very least, a trick. The red head squirmed as Charlie's hand trailed higher on her thigh. She wanted to tell him to stop, that they were with her parents, but she did not dare. She did not need things to blow up between them in public. "I'm fine," she said with a smile. "Just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" Charlie asked with a genuinely warm smile. At least, it looked genuine. Casey was of the belief that it was impossible to tell any longer.

Alex. Casey was thinking about Alex. She was thinking about how kind and gentle and indefinitely forgiving that Alex was. She was thinking about how much she was going to miss the woman after she left. She was thinking about what would happen if Alex were to be there instead of Charlie. If Alex were a man, her parents would have fallen in love with her. Her parents would have liked her more than Charlie, she was so sure of it. But, Alex was not a man, and as a woman, she would never be able to win Casey's parents' approval, not to date their daughter. Maybe as a friend, but not as a lover.

"Silly things," Casey said with a shake of her head as she covered Charlie's wandering hand with her own, stopping him from moving. He frowned at her, but she still placed his hand on his own knee, her hand still over his, absently rubbing his fingers and knuckles. It felt so different from Alex's soft hand. If it had been Alex touching her like that, she would not have stopped it. Then again, Alex never went too far. Casey never had to tell her to stop because, anymore, Alex just knew. She knew Casey's boundaries better, sometimes, than Casey knew them herself. "Internship things. Did I tell you the judges in the criminal divisions are throwing the interns a party?"

"That's wonderful, Casey," her mother said. "When?"

"Next Friday night since that's our last day." Casey beamed. She was actually very excited. She had already invited Alex over Charlie in part because Casey's judge was Alex's uncle and in part because Casey would rather keep the cool effect of Alex in the room than invite the unpredictable Charlie in. She loved him, she really did. But she did know his limitations in social situations. "A bunch of the attorneys are coming, too, from our divisions, sort of a wish-you-luck deal."

"Sounds great, kiddo. I'm really proud of you. For a while, you had me worried, but I think you'll be okay," Casey's father said, setting his fork down to smile proudly at his daughter.

Casey bit her lip, head bowed into her lap. She did not know what to say to that. She did not know how she had managed to worry her father. She had gotten into law school herself and managed to pay for it herself, her grades were good, her internship was great, she had a lot of references in the legal community for a job offer, and she had already spoken with EADA Jack McCoy at the District Attorney's office about a potential opening the following fall when the district budget was reexamined. He had already told her that he expected her to apply. Shy of someone just being better than her, Casey knew enough about McCoy to know that it basically meant that she had the job. Of course, she was not counting on it in its entirety because she knew very well that there were plenty of people with more experience that would also apply. But, she adored the idea of a chance. Over all, her life was headed in a very successful direction. And, to top it off, her parents loved her first boyfriend. She did not get how there might have been a question. Unless, she thought, her father suspected in her something she had only discovered the year prior after meeting Alexandra.

Did he loathe the idea that she might turn out like Stephanie? She did not dare ask because talking about Stephanie with her parents present just did not happen. Later that night, she knew if she asked one of her brothers, they would tell her everything they knew. It wasn't that they would go against their parents. It was more that they were just teenagers. Casey did the same thing, and each of her siblings before her, in reporting to the older siblings what their parents talked about.

"Stop, Ryan," Casey's mother admonished with an accompanying stern look. "Leave the girl alone."

And, that was it. Casey knew she had been the subject of much late night discussion between her parents, though she could not imagine to what end. Had they been worried that seeing Stephanie kiss her girlfriend would make her a lesbian? Perhaps, but just as likely not. Maybe it was Casey's guilty conscience in not telling her parents or Charlie that not only was she sneaking around behind Charlie's back, it was with another woman that made her jump so hastily to such conclusions. Chances were, Casey's parents were not concerned about that. As far as she knew, her parents did not know that she even still had regular contact with Stephanie.

"Mary." That one word held a warning to it. It was not the same kind of warning that Charlie's voice held when he said Casey's name, but it was still most definitely a warning. It was a 'we'll talk about this later' look that said the talk was probably going to be an argument.

Casey flushed, staring at her hands until her brother's moving finger on the wooden table beside her caught her eye. He was drawing on the table with his index finger, a sign that he was looking to play a game they had played as siblings from when they were little, all of the children knowing how to play to communicate silently. Casey nodded and set her hand under the table on her own leg, her brother's finger moving over the skin of her palm, tracing letters into her body. Once Casey figured out the letter, she would nod, and the letter would change so that she could spell out the word in her mind.

"Don't Mary me, Ryan," Casey's mother said, her voice equally stern as it had been with her primary statement.

Suddenly, Casey understood what her brother was writing, and she bit her lip, closing her fist. "Don't worry, Mom. You don't have to defend me. I am still a virgin." She practically whispered because she was afraid Charlie would be angry. Not only him, but her father, too. She had to fight not to flush a more noticeable red because that had almost not been the case a week prior. A week prior, she had been offering up her body to a woman Casey would never be able to deny if the woman asked her. And, yet, Alex never asked her. Alex took it slower, gentler, and with more forgiveness and compassion than anyone Casey had ever met.

She looked up to find her mother looking shocked and somewhat horrified that Casey had said such a thing aloud. Her father looked angry. "You had better be," Mary said, her brows arched.

"Charlie, you would never, would you?"

"No ma'am," Charlie said, shaking his head. "I fully respect and honor Casey's choice to remain celibate. I think it's the most honorable thing for her to wait like that."

Casey wanted to yell, Liar! That wasn't what you thought when you were forcing my jeans off, and that was certainly not what you were thinking with your hand creeping up my thigh only moments ago.

But, she did not. She remained silent, fighting tears.

Ryan grunted in response as though he were not entirely sure he believed Charlie. Then again, he had not said anything to Casey about her statement. "See what you do, Mary?" Ryan Novak said, brow raised. "Not only is this not something to talk about around Casey's younger siblings or in a public restaurant, but hardly something to discuss at the dinner table."

"You started it," Casey muttered, feeling twelve again. Under the table, her brother kicked her in the ankle. "I'm sorry."

"Well, there goes our nice family meal," Ryan said, his stare hot on Casey. She squirmed like a little kid about to get spanked.

"You brought it up," Casey bit, swallowing back her tears and challenging her father. "You said something. You started it, pushed just to see what would happen. You sabotaged this, not me, so don't you dare start glaring at me like that. I've done nothing wrong. For the sake of all that is good, I'm dating a man and I'm still a virgin. You think you could cut me some slack." Anger collided with her fears and rode over it as she stood, walking out of the restaurant. All at once, she wanted to cry and be sick.

Outside, even the warm, summer evening bit her skin a little too coldly. Casey wrapped her arms around herself, grinding her teeth so that she would do neither throw up nor start to cry. Without even bothering to look back, she headed for the nearest subway station.

"What the fuck, Casey?" a familiarly angry voice barked out at her, a hand grabbing her shoulder. She yelped, startled. "The fuck was that for, huh? Shit was going so well, then you up and ruined it."

"Yea. I ruin every fucking thing, Charlie," Casey snapped, still riding the current of anger. "Funny, though, the only time shit seems to get ruined is when I'm with you."

"Don't you dare try to blame me. I did not start this shit. I tried to play nice, keep this shit from happening. You opened your trap."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Charlie. Fine. Next time, I'll shut the fuck up. Is that what you would prefer? Some quiet woman who lets you fuck her whenever you want? Because your hand was not in places it should have been tonight if you really respected my desire to not have sex. And, I am not that woman, Charlie. I am not your toy or your property, Charlie."

An open palm connected with her cheek. It was no fist, but the force of it still managed to catch Casey off guard, and she stumbled back against the turn styles of the subway. "Stop it, Casey. You're being unreasonable."

Hand covering her cheek, Casey stared at Charlie. "We're in public, Charlie," she whispered. "You've never hit me in public."

"Yea, well, you don't usually act like a demented bitch in public, either."

Offended, Casey furrowed her brow. "I'm not a demented bitch, Charlie."

"Maybe not, but you sure are acting like it. Think you can manage to grow up until we get back to my place?"

"I'm not going home with you, Charlie."

"Oh? Okay. Then go back to your parents place and argue with your dad. Whatever, Casey. I just don't fucking care anymore."

Biting her lip, Casey swiped her subway pass. "I'm going to Alex's."

She should have seen it coming, but she just felt too numb. Her back hit the wall and she heard more than felt her head crack against the cement structure underground. Groaning, she rolled her head along the wall to stare at Charlie, her eyes glazed. Arms wrapped around her body, and she felt herself pulled away from the cool wall. Partially limp and feeling like jelly, Casey looped her arm around Charlie's shoulder and leaned against him.

"Stupid woman," Charlie grumbled. "Come on." He held her tight to his body as he walked them onto the train, and, gradually, Casey came around enough to be able to sit up on her own, her head laid lazily against his shoulder. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't know," Casey mumbled, her words at a slight slur.

Charlie shook his head. "Well, now you sound drunk on top of everything. Good one, Casey. I love you, but you're an idiot sometimes."

"I know," Casey whispered. Her head throbbed where it had smashed into the wall, and her back was not feeling all that wonderful, either. "Charlie, I know you're angry, but if I go back home to my parents like this, after you came after me, they'll blame you. Even if you tell them I fell. My mom's a nurse, Charlie. She'll know it's a lie right away. And, if I go home with you, they'll be angry with you. They don't know we'll be living together this year. They would be so upset if they found out that I'm afraid they wouldn't – it's just best if I go to Alex's, honey. Not for anything but that."

"It's not my fault," Charlie argued. "It's your fault for being so stupid. You did fall. I tried to catch you."

Casey exhaled slowly. "Fine, but I'm still going to Ali's."

"What's so fascinating about her to you, hm? Charlie snapped. "You two got some lesbian thing going on? Because, she likes girls. And, you're right up her ally."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, innocent, virginal; you haven't seen much of the world, so Alex is an adventure. I hate to break it to you, Casey, but you're going to find out really quickly that Alex's life is pretty fucking boring."

Casey yawned, cringing as she did so. "So is mine, Charlie. I don't mind if my friends have boring lives."

"My life's not boring," Charlie challenged.

"I know," Casey said. "You're a different man every day." It was a stupid remark to mark, unnecessarily witty and sarcastic, and Charlie twisted in his seat to smack her on the portion of her skull that was already sore and injured from the smack into the wall. "Jesus fucking Christ. What the Hell was that for?"

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Charlie asked, popping her head again for good measure. "You're coming home with me tonight, Casey, so I can keep an eye on you. I don't trust you out there by yourself, and I don't trust you with Alex."

Casey did not argue, but she did not continue to lean against her boyfriend, either. Instead, she curled in the seat and leaned away from him, staring out the window to her left whereas Charlie remained seated at her right, more or less pinning her to the window of the subway car.

It was in that silence that they rode to Charlie's stop, the brunette man exiting the car, Casey's wrist in his fingers as she trailed behind him, stumbling, her vision just this side of fuzzy.

"What's wrong with you?" Charlie finally snapped as they hit the sidewalk, Casey nearly falling several times on the steps up to the surface of the city.

"I think I have a concussion, Charlie," Casey mewled. "Please, let me go to Alex's. I'll just tell her I fell. I won't even tell her you were there. Please. She'll watch me all night, and I won't be a bother to you, then. I know you have a lot of stuff to do. I don't want to be a burden."

Charlie sighed, looping his arm under Casey's arms and steadying her. "Fine, Casey. Whatever. If it'll make you shut up. Jesus, you're heavy."

Feeling more than a little self-conscious, as she seemed want to do around Charlie, Casey ducked her head. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"I know," Charlie said with a shrug. "Maybe just lay off the sweets a little, okay?"

Casey nodded, fumbling with her cell phone from her pocket. She dialed Alex's number from memory, the blond picking up on the fourth ring. "Casey?"

"Yea, it's me," Casey mumbled. "Hey, um, I got into a fight with my dad. Can I crash? I really don't think I wanna go back home for the night."

"You mean dad or Charlie?" Alex asked.

"Um, both," Casey answered, watching Charlie. He was watching her suspiciously from a couple of feet away. She almost felt compelled to lie to Alex so that Charlie would not find out that she was telling Alex about their relationship, but in front of the man, she could not bring herself to do it.

"Where are you? I'll pick you up."

"Thanks. Um, I'm at the subway stop by Charlie's. I would stay with him tonight, but I don't want to get into that argument tomorrow with my mom." The last sentence was said for Charlie's benefit.

"Do you think you can hop the subway to my place? Or should I come pick you up?" Alex's voice was soft and warm and loving, and Casey found herself feeling better just listening to it.

Holding the phone against herself just a little tighter, Casey shrugged though she knew Alex could not see. "Either way, just talk to me?"

"Charlie's there, huh?"

"Yea."

"I'll come pick you up. Everything's gonna be alright, Casey. At least for tonight. Is Charlie okay with you coming over?"

"Not really."

"Tell him to suck my balls."

Casey giggled, chewing on her lower lip. "You can."

"Hand the phone over."

A look of horror passed over Casey's face. "Oh my God, I was kidding. Please don't. Please, please don't."

"Relax, Casey. Honey, I'm not going to tell him anything. Not unless you're ready for me to."

Sighing as she sank onto a nearby bench, Casey coiled her leg to her chin. "No." Her eyes flicked to Charlie who was still watching her. "I love Charlie, Ali. I do. And, he loves me. And takes care of me. I just don't want to have to argue with my parents tomorrow if I spend the night with him."

"I'm sure," Alex said, though her tone suggested she was biting her tongue. "Well, then, I'll take care of you tonight. How does that sound?"

"Like a dream," Casey mumbled with a small smile.

Alex's disembodied voice chuckled in Casey's ear. "Great. We'll get you back home, make some tea, curl up on the couch with that green retro blanket you bought, and watch slap stick because even though I don't understand it, there's nothing better in this world than the sound of your laughter."

A small smile spread over Casey's face. "I'd like that, Alex, very much," she half whispered. "I'm so far in over my head, and I don't know how to make it better, Ali. I just don't. I've fucked up so much, disappointed so many people."

"We'll talk more about it when I get there, Casey, away from Charlie, but, honey, you've never disappointed me. I love you now and will always. There is nothing you can do to disappoint me, Casey. You are wonderful the way you are."

Sobbing, Casey looked up, forcefully wiping away her tears. Charlie, she realized had vanished. He had not even bothered to tell her he was leaving or to say good-bye. That was how she knew his anger still lingered, but she did not know what to do or think about it. Still, something inside of her seized the opportunity, the moment of weakness in her façade, or so she called it. "He hit me, Ali. Charlie hit me in the subway. I hit my head. It's all my fault, I made him mad, but he's never hit me in public before."

Perhaps it was a change in the dynamics of her abusive relationship which could be blamed as the culprit to her breakdown. Perhaps it was the knowledge that if she waited until Alex arrived at the station, then she would not be able to tell her. Perhaps it was just her needing someone to confide in about the whole ordeal, and since Alex already suspected, what harm did it create to confirm it?

"Oh, Casey, no. No, sweetie. It's not your fault he was mad. That was his choice. It was his choice to react in that manner and his choice to strike at you. It doesn't matter what you did or he says you did, Casey, you did nothing to deserve being hit. What did he say he hit you over?"

Casey bit her lip, curling tighter on the bench. "He's angry because I stormed out of dinner after the fight with my father. Then, when I told him that I was not going to go home with him, that I was going to go see you, he flew into this rage. Ali, it wasn't like I was looking at him. He's this different person. I really, truly think that it's his disease, not who he is."

Clucking her tongue, Alex offered her most soothing voice. "Casey, if it's his disease, then he needs to get it under control. That's his responsibility. It's so sweet of you to help him, Case, but you can only do so much. If he won't help you help him, then there's nothing you can do for him."

"I'm the only one keeping him on a semi-normal track, Ali. Okay, so it's not perfect, but the hitting and the anger, that's sporadic. And, he's okay when they up his medication, but they had to lower it recently for some strange reason."

"That's an excuse, Casey. I don't want to tell you not to love him and do everything to help him because of it, but I just want you to be prepared that he might not be the man you met, the man I introduced you to, and I am so, so sorry that I introduced you both. If I had known, Casey, how much hurt and hell he would put you through, I would never have done it."

"It's not your fault," Casey murmured. "It's my fault he got mad."

"Oh, Casey. I wish I could convince you otherwise."

"I do stupid shit, Alex. I say stuff and do stuff that I know he won't like."

"Like what?" Alex asked, a challenge in her tone.

With a long sigh, Casey drooped a little more in her seat. "Like when I go on about wanting to hang out with you."

"You're my best friend, Casey. I think I'm yours. What's stupid about that?"

"Nothing, Ali. You are my best friend. Jesus fucking Christ, you're my girlfriend, though he doesn't know about that. There's nothing stupid about hanging out with you. The stupid part is telling Charlie." Casey bit at her lip, on the verge of tears. To the logical part of her brain, the part that would carry her through a legal career, her explanation made no sense. There was not even a redeeming quality to her explanation as to why that would make Charlie angry. He did not know that Casey and Alex were dating, that the woman he said he loved so much was stepping out on him with a woman she truly loved. He could not be angry about that. He was angry that Alexandra was a good friend of Casey's. He was pissed that Casey still had someone to confide in, someone that Charlie could not possibly win over.

As far as Alex was concerned, it was the latter part of that which was closest to the truth. Alex would never listen to Charlie's version of things while she could see the bruises on Casey's body or hear the tension in her voice. She would never look at Charlie and think that he was the perfect man because she had her own history with her brother which made her suspicious of mental illness. Coupled with her history and knowledge of Charlie and her utter belief in what little Casey did share with her about how Charlie hurt her both physically and emotionally, Alex was not keen on believing a thing Charlie might say. He could not put her under the spell he put everyone else under. He could not lie to her and get away with it. So, he responded by trying to keep Casey away from Alexandra. It was how any abuser would respond. Alex was a source of support and help for Casey. Charlie had nearly utter control over Casey's mentality, a fact that terrified Alex. If he separated them, Alex feared that he would have much more control over the red haired beauty. It bore the possibility of being so much control, Alex feared, that he would wind up brainwashing her into utter submission. Not only would he kill her, he would dominate her spirit.

Alex would sacrifice everything to prevent that from happening.

Warm hands fell on Casey's shoulders, the red head jumping from the bench. Alex folded her against her chest, stroking her hair, shushing her. "It's okay, hot shot. It's just me, honey. It's Alex."

Casey wrapped her arms around Alex's neck and buried her face into the woman's shoulder. "Thank God you're here," she whispered.


	29. Chapter 29

**(29)**

The night before Casey left for Cambridge, she spent the night at Alex's apartment, lying on the couch while the budding attorney practiced her opening speech for a driving while impaired trial that would be starting the following Monday morning. Charlie had left two days prior, and the two women had scarcely spent a minute apart except when Alex worked, and even then, Casey had become a flower in her office and a shadow in the court room under the guise of last minute learning before leaving again for that final third year of law school. Casey had long completed her internship, a file at Alex's place proving that she had worked for the judge as well as the various tasks she had taken on while under his wing. Alex had helped her to put everything together she would need for the bar at the end of the upcoming year, and the two had decided to store it at Alex's rather than Casey taking it with her. Since Casey's room at her parents was being converted to a bedroom for one of her younger siblings, she did not want to leave anything there.

Indeed, much of Casey's belongings had made their way to Alex's apartment, adding to the décor and the furnishings, though Casey claimed to her parents and Charlie that it was in storage. What clothes Casey was not taking with her were stored between Alex's closet and the armoire that Casey had moved to the apartment, sitting beside the chest of drawers in Alex's room. In all manners of honesty, even Casey was not expecting to continue living with Charlie after the school year. First of all, her parents would freak out. Second, she truly did not believe that she was ready to live with Charlie, even for the school year. But, she would give it a shot because it was so important to Charlie.

"Hey, Case," Alex murmured, reaching over and touching the woman's cheek.

Casey smiled up at Alex. "Yea?"

"I'm done. What do you think?"

Flushing, Casey shrugged. Alex knew that Casey and Charlie would be living together that year. Casey had finally told her. To her surprise, Alex had not been angry. Nor had she been disappointed, two reactions Casey was all too familiar with receiving. Instead, Alex had taken it in stride, asking only once if Casey thought it was the best decision. Casey had answered that she did not know, and Alex had reminded her that she was but a phone call away. Alex also cautioned that the police were closer. "I don't know," Casey answered.

"Why not?" Alex asked with a laugh. "Were you even paying attention?"

Casey groaned, covering her face with her hands. "Not to your opening argument. I'm sorry."

"What were you paying attention to, then?" Alex teased.

"Alex, you're wearing an oversized tee shirt that does not cover enough stuff to qualify as a dress."

"They're my pajamas. Plus, I have underwear on," Alex protested.

"So?" Casey mewled, flushing even deeper crimson.

Laughing, Alex slid onto Casey's lap, straddling her thighs as she kissed her softly. "You are such a deviant, Casey Novak," she purred. "I love it." Sitting beck on Casey's thighs, Alex smiled at the woman, her fingers tracing her jaw line slowly. Casey was still bright red, her eyes focused on Alex's stomach even as the blond attempted to coax her to look up.

Casey's eyes crawled up Alex's body, though she was more just too embarrassed to look her girlfriend in the eye than she was actually looking at Alex's body. Briefly, she met Alex's eyes before her gaze shifted to her neck. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You don't have to be. You've done nothing wrong," Alex whispered, her fingers trailing down to Casey's neck. She felt Casey go still beneath her hands, her breathing even seeming to stop. Alex moved the shoulders of her shirt aside, examining the skin beneath the cloth with a sort of holy reverence. "Those bruises will be gone before you get to Cambridge." She was referencing finger marks dotted lightly against Casey's fair skin along her shoulders. If Casey had not been so pale, they would not have been noticeable, but the ghostly nature of her natural skin tone made any difference readily noticeable.

"That's good," Casey murmured, her hands sliding over Alex's. "I don't want to leave here."

Alex smiled. "You'll be back in nine months, Casey. It'll be okay. I'll be right here waiting for you. You'll finish your law degree, get yourself a good job out here, maybe even with the DA. It'll all work out in the end, honey. Who knows, maybe you'll find the answers to some of those questions in your head." She pushed Casey's hair back behind her ear. "You're so beautiful, Casey. I need you to know that in these next months."

"It won't be that bad," Casey murmured. "We'll be living together, so he'll be happy about that. Plus, we'll both be so engrossed in school that we won't have time to argue." She smiled faintly, and Alex brushed her thumb over Casey's lips, gently kissing her.

Pulling back, Alex found Casey's eyes and held them. "I still want my voice playing in the back of your mind telling you every day that you're beautiful and I love you no matter what. And, if you have trouble hearing it, I want you to call me so I can say it to you." Alex giggled. "I might call you just to say it anyway."

"I'd like that," Casey murmured. "I'm going to miss seeing your face, touching you, smelling you." Casey laughed. "I don't know what I'm going to do when I wake up from a bizarre dream and don't smell oranges."

Alex smiled. "Speaking of, it's not my face, but I have a present for you. A couple, actually, and Charlie can't get mad about them."

"Oh?" Casey asked, sitting up straighter as Alex slid off her body and padded over to the book shelf where she grabbed two wooden boxes. She seemed to consider which one she wanted to hand over first before she gave one of them to Casey. "Alex, you really don't- "

"Hush. Just open it." Alex sat down on the couch beside Casey as the red haired woman slipped the top of the box off along a slide. The box itself was plain and undecorated, the interior a soft, black velvet. And, coiled in the center a chain of small silver beads and tubes rested, and if jewelry could be content, Casey imagined that it would be.

Casey carefully picked it up between her fingers. "Wow," she breathed. "It's beautiful." She held the silver chain with its dots and dashes out across the palm of her hand, studying it for a moment. "It's morse code."

With a smile, Alex nodded. "Can you read it?"

Examining the beads and tubes and the tiny knots in the chains that separated letters and words, the design following the length of the necklace, Casey nodded. "Love and be loved." She set the necklace back in the box, twisting to hug the woman beside her. "Thank you, Alex. Thank you so much. I'll wear it always."

Casey opened the second box handed to her. Inside, she noted several flat, unfinished stones and a mini silver Sharpe. Confused, Casey tipped her head, looking to Alex. "Ali?"

"On the stones, write everything you can think of that is keeping you from seeing yourself the way I see you," Alex murmured, taking up one stone and handing it to the woman. "If it's a weight keeping you down, write it on here."

Picking up the Sharpe, Casey took the stone. "I don't understand."

"You do," Alex murmured, stroking Casey's long, soft hair. "Maybe that should be your first. Fear."

Casey scrawled out the word on the stone, giving Alex vulnerable eyes as she set the rock back in the box. Carefully, Alex removed the box from her hands and set it on the coffee table. Leaning over, she kissed Casey's forehead. "I think you're getting it," she whispered. "Come with me."

Alex pulled her into the bedroom, quickly changing from her own pajamas to a pair of jeans and a hoodie. "Get dressed," she whispered, and Casey felt it, too, like they were doing something big, though Casey could not even begin to fathom as to what it was. The red head did the same, grabbing one of Alex's hoodies as opposed to her own because she had a penchant for dressing in her girlfriend's clothes.

"Grab the box," Alex said. "Hold it tight and close. It's important."

Nodding, Casey grabbed the box, clutching it to her with both hands even though the box was relatively small. The rocks made it uncomfortably heavy, but she did not complain. Alex was up to something, and Casey figured she trusted Alex enough to do as she was told. Grabbing keys from the hook by the door, Alex led Casey down to the car. "Where are we going?" Casey asked.

"Battery Park," Alex said. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course," Casey murmured, buckling herself in as Alex pulled onto the street.

"Good," Alex answered. "Because I want to show you how much you really mean to me. And, I couldn't think of any other way."

Casey smiled. "I don't deserve you," she whispered.

"I think you've got your second stone," Alex replied, turning onto Water Street and following the road down to Battery Park. Shrugging, Casey scribbled on one of the other stones, replacing it in the box and holding to her chest once more. Alex parked the car along a smaller road near Battery Gardens.

Still clutching to the box, Casey followed Alex through the parking lot, a small dock jutting into the harbor. "You're being cryptic, Ali," she said. "What's your end game?"

"Each of those stones, Casey, represents something keeping you back. It's part of the wall you've built up around yourself to protect the real you from getting hurt. Think of it as a baptism by drowning. Everything you can see holding you back from being happy, from feeling worthy of being loved, that's what you should put on those stones." She stopped along the path and looked out over the dark, glassy water. There were no boats docked in the harbor that night, and the two walked to the end of the pier where Alex turned on a small flashlight and held it out so they could see where the wooden platform ended.

"Aren't we going to get in trouble for being here so late?" Casey asked.

"No. I think we're okay," Alex said, sitting down.

Casey sat beside her, pushing open the box. In the light of the flashlight, the two written on rocks gleamed up at her, and she cringed. _Fear _and _Not deserving _seemed to stare back up at her. "Now what?"

"You write on however many of those rocks you need, Casey. If it's something someone told you about yourself that hurts, if it's something you don't think you can overcome, whatever. They're your stones, Casey. Whatever you're fighting against."

Biting her lip, Casey nodded to show understanding. She picked out another stone, thoughts already swirling through her mind, things she thought about every day, but things that she had ignored and just assumed to be true. Alex did not ask what Casey wrote even as she laid her head against Casey's shoulder, the flashlight steady so that Casey could see what she was writing, Alex's other hand wrapped around her waist. Eventually, Casey had a list going: _ugly, stupid, weak, slow, hurt, betrayal, duty, pain, distrust, hate, anger, not good enough. _There were others until each stone had something on it.

Tears slid down Casey's cheeks as her hands trembled. She felt as though she were baring her soul, but in the dark of the night on a pier just east of Battery Gardens, with nothing more than Alex's flashlight and company, she knew she was safe baring her soul. It was that knowledge more than the actual hurt she was exposing that made her cry.

"They're heavy, huh?" Alex finally whispered in her ear. Casey nodded. Reaching around, Alex picked one of the stones up, twisting it in her hand. "Ugly." Alex clutched it in her hand, kissing Casey's cheek. "To me, Casey, you are nothing but beautiful, in your heart, your soul, your body, and your mind. I see nothing but beauty in you, and no matter how often you think you're ugly, I'll only ever think you're beautiful. You can scream ugly into me, and all I'll echo back is beauty." She threw the stone in the water. With a plop, it sank down.

Casey watched the water, even though, in the dark, she could scarcely see it except as it absorbed the reflection of the city lights behind them and the moon above them. It really was a sanctified part of the city. Alex picked up the next stone. "Fear," she read. "You know, Casey, there's a British proverb that says courage is often only the fear of running away. I think that there are times, too, when the greatest amount of courage is exercised in the act of leaving, walking away from everything and everyone except for yourself. The greatest amount of courage can be in exposing yourself, like this, even if it is only to yourself, or to one other person. There's a difference in being physically naked and being emotionally naked, and you're the bravest person I know."

Covering Alex's hand with her own, Casey picked the stone from Alex's hand, throwing it in the water herself. Alex went through each stone while Casey remained silent, crying. Sometimes, Casey would pick up the rock and throw it herself, other times, Alex would do it. And, when the box was empty of stones, Alex turned Casey's cheek so that the two were looking at each other. "The box is lighter now, huh?" Casey nodded, sucking on her lip. "I want you to remember that there are going to be chains and fears and hurts that hold you back, and you can discard some of them yourself, but I promise you that any time you struggle, I will help you. I will always be here, even if I'm a thousand miles away, and if you need me to throw some of these weights for you, I will."

Nodding, Casey curled against Alex.

"This is for you," Alex murmured, reaching into the box and picking out the last thing in it. She handed Casey a small brown paper package, almost as flat as the folded paper it was made from, tied with a small amount of brown string.

Very carefully, Casey opened the package, spilling a white feather out onto her palm. Someone had, delicately, dyed part of the feather with blank ink so that it read _you are sacred._ A small, folded piece of rice paper fell out, too, that read, in the same inked handwriting: _Above all, you are sacred, valuable, deserving, and meant to love and be loved._

Quickly, Casey had to push the tears from her face to prevent them from spilling onto the paper and ruining the ink. Alex wrapped her arms around her friend, holding her close, kissing away the tears on one cheek and brushing them away with her thumb from the other. "You're my best friend, Casey. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you."

"Thank you," she whispered, "for loving me like no one ever has."

Alex smiled. Casey put the feather and the paper back into box and covered it, setting the pieces down on the dock beside them. Picking the flashlight from Alex's fingers, Casey turned the light off as well, casting them into a dim, greyish-white glow from the haze of the city. Casey's mouth met Alex's in a warm, passionate kiss. It was not chaste, but it did not demand, either. Casey felt her heart leap into her mouth with such a sense of surety and acceptance, and it was that which she attempted to convey, to give to Alex like a taste. Alex took it from her, pulled it from her, and pushed back with every sense of faith and love that she could. Her mouth moved from Alex's, over her jaw and neck of its own accord.

When Casey pulled back, panting, they were laying on the pier, Casey atop Alex, their legs entangled. Alex's hoodie was off, her shirt and bra had been pushed up, exposing her chest, neat little teeth marks along the skin that Casey vaguely remembered putting there. The button to Alex's jeans was undone. Casey's own pants were open, too. Both women were panting, flushed a warm, aroused red. The tension that had thrummed between them for too long seemed to grow tighter, and as Alex moved her leg, Casey pressed herself against it, gasping as her knee pressed between her legs. "Yes, Alex, please," Casey whispered, forgetting where they were.

Alex's fingers trailed over Casey's arms and body, down to her hips, fluttering over the tops of her jeans and back up over her stomach. Casey leaned back, arching her body into Alex's hands. Long fingers curved over her breasts, slipped up to her neck and held her face gently in hands soft as silk. Alex's hands had not seen a day of manual labor in her life, and in that moment, Casey reveled in the texture. Sitting up slightly, Alex brought Casey's face to hers, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss.

Casey moaned into Alex's mouth, Alex's nails leaving trails of goose bumps down her back, hands cupping over her bottom and pulling them closer together. One hand held Casey against Alex's hips, the other acting as a pillow as the blond flipped them, putting Alex on top, her mouth working its way down Casey's neck. Alex slid her hands beneath Casey's hoodie, easily pulling it and her tee shirt off over her head leaving her upper half naked on the dock. Lying beneath Alex, Casey panted, her eyes searching the blond woman, the shine catching the light in the background. She arched her hips automatically, her hands clasping Alex's hips, fingers tucking between her skin and her jeans.

Taking her time, but ever aware of where they were, Alex paid attentions to Casey's body, using her own experiences with Casey as well as women before her to determine those spots where Casey's breathing quickened and where she moaned, yelped, and sighed with content at those touches. "Alex," Casey whimpered, eye lids fluttering, Alex's mouth and fingers caressing her breasts. "Alex, fuck. It hurts, Ali. Feels good, but hurts."

Chuckling under her breath, Alex abandoned Casey's nipples and leaned over her. "I can fix that," she whispered, kissing Casey softly. "If you want me to."

"Yes," Casey whined. "Please. Yes." She pressed her body up to Alex's, wrapping her arms around her, pulling Alex's own shirt from her body. She fumbled for a moment with Alex's bra for a moment before Alex reached around and took Casey's hands in hers, helping her pull the cloth from her body.

Petting Alex's body, Casey moved her fingers over parts that she had seen, but never touched, had been too afraid to touch, but her fear was sitting at the bottom of the East River along with her feelings of inadequacy and a lack of self-worth. "Oh, God, Casey," Alex mewled, the red head's mouth closing over her nipple, nibbling and sucking on it as Alex had Casey's.

Casey barely remembered how she wound up entirely without her pants, laid on a bed of their mixed clothing. She remembered with an intensity that almost drowned her memories of moments prior the feeling of electricity as Alex's fingers found her clit. Her body froze of its own accord, her breathing nearly stopping. She struggled for small gasps of air but barely noticed she was doing it. Never had she been touched there, and never had she touched herself. When Alex slid her fingers inside of her, Casey lost any hope of control she had in the moment, the curve of the other woman's fingers finding naturally sensitive spots that Casey had not even known existed. The experience was entirely new to her, and she clutched Alex's arms, her nails digging into the skin of her shoulders and anywhere else she could find purchase.

She was saying something, but she did not know what, and whatever it was coming out of her mouth was not intelligible enough that Alex understood what she was saying. It was coming out in little gasps and pants that turned into little more than a high pitched whine as Alex sucked Casey's nipple into her mouth. Alex was careful with Casey, not moving too quickly or too harsh, not wanting to push her too hard and too far, to scare Casey away.

Coming down from her high, Casey curled against Alex, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. "What's wrong, Casey?" Alex asked, her voice a low whisper as she stroked her hair back. "Are you hurt?"

"No," Casey murmured. She shivered as even the warm breeze was cooled over the surface of the water and even more on her body, skin moist. Alex pulled their hoodies out from under them, handing one to Casey who fumbled with the fabric while Alex pulled her own hoodie on. "Alex. Help."

"What?" Alex said with a warm smile. "Having trouble?" Casey nodded, and Alex reached over, pulling the hoodie on her body and pulling the red head into her lap, hugging her. "It's okay, my beautiful Casey. It's okay." She pushed the tears away from her face that were coming down in little rivulets.

"I know that, now," Casey mumbled, kissing Alex's neck as she wrapped her arms around the other woman's body.

For a good half an hour, Alex sat with Casey on the edge of the pier, holding her in her lap. The beat of their hearts had long enough to synchronize, and their breathing was rhythmic. Neither one of them spoke. In part, Alex worried that Casey would regret what just happened between them. In part, she did not know what to say. She had never been with someone who had so little sexual experience, let alone someone in Casey's position where every day was an internal battle with her upbringing and her heart. She tried to remember how she had felt after her first time, and she decided that holding Casey in silence was the best solution. She would let the red head speak first.

"Thank you," Casey finally whispered, shifting in Alex's lap so that she could look out over the water. It was still glassy and dark, and it swallowed things that Casey needed it to swallow. In the morning, no one would know but them what had transpired on the pier, what rocks had sunk beneath the surface.

"For what?" Alex asked, propping her chin on Casey's head.

"Everything about tonight, Ali. For knowing what I need better than I do. For being gentle and waiting for me. For everything."

Alex laced her fingers in Casey's, bringing her hand to her lips and kissing the woman's knuckles. "You're welcome, Casey," she whispered. "And, thank you."

"My turn to ask what for," Casey murmured, tilting her head to look up at Alex.

"For showing me how meaningful it is to really love someone, and to really wait for them to be ready." Alex smiled, her lips brushing Casey's forehead. "Anyone can be naked and have sex. I knew that before. You've taught me that it takes a trusting, earned love to be truly with someone."

Casey smiled, reaching up and tipping Alex's face further down so she could kiss her properly. Separating, Casey licked her lips, her eyes rolling up to look up at Alex. "Let's get outta here before we get caught," she whispered. "I think I can walk again."

Laughing as Casey stood up and pulled her jeans on, Alex grabbed what clothes did not get returned to their persons including two tee shirts, two bras, and one pair of panties.

"Hey, Alex," Casey said as she slid into the car and lay the seat back so she could stretch out and watch Alex drive.

"Yea?"

"I don't want to go back to Cambridge."

Smiling, Alex leaned over the console and brushed Casey's hair from her face, kissing her chastely. "I'll be here waiting for you to get back."


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Please don't hurt me. Everything will be good in the end, okay? Pinkie promise. **

**(30)**

It was early December, and Casey sat on the couch in the living room picking at a hole in her jeans while Charlie paced back and forth, yelling. She did not know what about; she had not been paying attention. It was the end of their second to last semester, and all they were waiting on were the results of their exams to come in with scores. Did they pass? Casey had been on the phone studying with Alex, asking her questions, getting advice, and just chatting every other day for two weeks before the exams. They talked whenever Charlie was out of the house or Casey was on break at the café where she had taken up part time work again just to get out of the house. Charlie had not liked it, but when Casey had used the excuse of paying off her student loans faster, he relented. Mostly, he relented because he could not argue against it. Even to him, that was stupid. As long as, he had stipulated, the money she made only went to paying her student loans, then it was okay.

She had agreed and opened up a savings account in her own name, putting the money aside in case she needed it for a bus ticket back to New York or for some other emergency that she feared would crop up. Casey did not necessarily want to leave Charlie. As time had passed through the semester, she realized how much more stable he had become since they had moved out to Cambridge. He took his medicine more frequently, even though there were still days or weeks when he flat refused and nothing Casey could say or do would convince him otherwise. The inconsistency with which he downed his meds had an adverse effect in that he talked to himself often times at night about government conspiracies and the CIA wanting him dead. To that end, she was waiting for him to accuse her of being a spy again, but thus far, he had not.

His temper had cooled, too. Then again, he knew where Casey was pretty much all of the time, and he was less suspicious of her doing things he would not like. If only he knew, Casey often thought, but she would not be the one to tell him. She figured the name calling and belittling she could deal with because, no matter what Alex told her was good about her, she knew Alex saw her through rose colored glasses, that she overlooked those fatal flaws Charlie pointed out time and time again.

Casey's stomach grumbled, and she pressed her hand over it. Since returning to Cambridge, she had lost a lot of weight, though she did not have much weight to lose to begin with. She pulled a string from her jeans, the hole widening and fraying even further.

"Are you listening to me?" Charlie finally yelled, facing her.

She glanced up at him. "No," she said, looking back down, returning to pulling the threads from her jeans.

"Casey! What the hell do you think I do, talk just to hear myself speak?" Charlie barked, leaning over her.

"Yea," Casey mumbled, immediately regretting saying it. She flushed deep and tried to curl away, but Charlie standing above her made it impossible.

"Look at me," Charlie snapped, his hands on either side of Casey's shoulders on the couch. Casey shook her head, staring at the hole in her jeans. Charlie had not hit her in the nearly three and a half months since they had moved to Massachusetts. Casey had convinced herself that he was in better control of himself, and as he pushed the couch back just enough to frighten Casey but not tipping it over to hurt her, she thought he had.

Yelping, she reached out for him, the closest thing to her, to prevent herself from falling. Clutching his shirt, she pressed her face against his chest, panting. "Charlie, don't. That scares me," she whispered, searching in the beat of his heart and the form of his body for something warm and comforting. But, he was angry. He would not comfort her. Casey pulled away, curling into her body into the couch.

"That's the point, you stupid bitch," Charlie growled. "You know better than to back talk me. That shit may have worked with your parents, but it won't work with me. If I'm going to marry you, then you need to start respecting me."

Casey played with the ring on her left hand. That. Yea. Biting her lip, she nodded. Charlie had asked on the last day of exams for Casey to marry him. He had been doing better, the nights when he went off like he did that night were further and further between. He had told her that every step of progress he made to being a better human being was because of Casey. He told her that he loved her. He promised to work even harder at being the perfect husband and father. She had told him yes in part because she was too afraid to tell him no, too afraid to leave him while they were still going to the same school in the same city. If she told him no, she knew it would destroy him, and she feared it would destroy her, too. One of the other reasons she told him yes was because even though she did not want to marry him, she realized she really had no inclination to be with any man. She had not been lying when she had said that she wanted to give herself over to only one person her entire life, and in giving herself over to Alex, she knew she could not do the same with a man, much less a man like Charlie. But, then, he was also right about the things he said. It had not taken him long to break her down again. _I love you, but you're stupid sometimes. You're eating again, really? You're such a fat cow. You're a fucking idiot, Casey, how many times have I told you not to do that? Can you follow one simple direction? You fucking bitch. Demented bitch. Do you plan to make me angry? Is that what you do in class all day, think of new ways to piss me off? Don't start crying, you brought this on yourself. Do you have to wear your hair back? You're so ugly when you do. Why don't you put on some cover up or something before we go out? You show too much leg, Casey. You look like a whore. _

She felt he was right about that. She had changed her clothes, changed her diet, and that still did not seem to make him happy. She was five foot nine and down to one hundred pounds. If her mother saw her, she knew her mother would freak out. To others, she blamed the stress of her final year of law school. In her own head, she knew she heard Charlie's voice every time she picked a snack out of the fridge. It made eating difficult. It made sleeping difficult. He had broken her ego down completely once she had left the protective embrace of Alexandra Cabot. Without her apartment and her arms to run to, Casey had sucked everything up, held it inside. Even over the phone, she did not know how to articulate the scattered, incomplete thoughts in her head. She knew that if Alex saw her, she would know instantly, she would fix it. But, Alex was not there, and Casey had to remind herself that she had to grow up and be her own decision maker. She deserved what she got because of the choices she made.

So, she had said yes. She had said yes because then Kennedy would get to grow up without the scrutiny of her parents wondering if she would be their only straight daughter, the only not fucked up daughter. Kennedy wouldn't have to worry about the talks that Casey's mother had had with her about how wrong it was to be with a woman. She had said yes because she had been with Charlie for so long that it seemed wrong to tell him no. She had said yes because she did not think that she deserved better when she could give no man a heart that had already been captured by a woman. She had said yes because she did not know how to tell Charlie no. She would give him everything he asked for but one thing. One thing kept her sleeping on the couch every night for three months despite Charlie's protests that her parents would only find out if she told them.

It was not her parents that kept Casey from letting him behave sexually with her. It was staying up until past two the morning she was meant to leave, cuddled up against the blond, learning that the fire she had felt on the dock burning through her stomach and groin was tiny compared to the fire she had felt in the privacy of their bedroom. And, it was their bedroom. Alex always said theirs, and Casey felt safe there, curled against another. It was that experience, that knowledge that Alex had everything sacred Casey could possibly give, that kept Casey out of Charlie's bed. She did not know what excuse she would use once they were married. She did not know if she could.

"Charlie," Casey murmured as he stood up again, arms folded. "I want to go home for Christmas. I think we should tell my parents we're getting married then. They'll help plan a wedding. I'll be their first daughter to get married. It'll mean a lot to my dad. And, they'll be so happy that it's you I'm marrying. They really adore you."

"Everything's about you, huh?"

Casey shook her head. "No. You want a big wedding. Your parents told you they're proud of you for getting it together enough to settle down but they won't pay anything for you. My parents will. It won't be much, but it'll help, Charlie. You're pretty good at sucking up to my dad, anyway."

"Really? You've gotta give me attitude over everything, don't you? What's your problem, Casey? You've been weird ever since you got here."

Shrugging, Casey focused her gaze on the space between them. "I guess I'm just a little out of my comfort zone here, Charlie. I've never lived with someone not my family before, plus my family and friends are still back in New York."

Charlie flopped down on the couch beside Casey, draping one arm over her. "Alright, fine, honey. If it makes you happy, we'll go back during Christmas."

"You should probably formally ask my father, too; you know, sort of make that your first thing, before you officially ask me."

"Yea, alright," Charlie said with a shrug. "You and your family, huh? They're important to you."

"Yes," Casey whispered, flushing and looking deliberately away from Charlie. If they had not meant so much to her, she would have ditched them for Alex, but she knew as long as she kept her mouth shut about Alex, she would always have some sort of relationship with her parents. The moment they found out, she would be an outcast, and she did not think that she could handle that kind of crap. Stephanie was stronger than she was for being able to do it. Casey just did not have that in her. "Thank you."

"Sure."

Casey had no doubts that her father would give her over to Charlie with a sort of ease and happiness. It would make him happy to see Casey married to a man like Charlie, at least, the man he thought Charlie was – well educated, soon to be a lawyer, charming, polite, respectful. Casey did not know if his opinions of the man would change a little if he heard what was said behind closed doors, but Casey also doubted that he would ever have occasion to hear them since she would not tell him and neither would Charlie. The important thing to Ryan Novak, though, when it concerned the marriage of his daughter Casey, would be that her would be husband would ask him first for permission before he asked his daughter.

The only thing she doubted was her own permanent commitment to the issue. Granted, once she said her vows, she was locked in for the rest of her life. She twisted her ring again, a little silver and diamond number that was very pretty but nothing like what Casey had ever imagined would be her engagement ring. Perhaps it was silly, but as a child, she had pictured something a little more attuned to her nature, something different from the traditional ring. Her fingers danced up to her neck where she pet the necklace Alexandra had given her, decorated by knots and tubes and beads. Charlie thought it was ugly, but then, he could not read it. If he could, she suspected he would hate it more, especially since she truly wore it daily, not even exchanging it for one of the trinkets Charlie had bought her – and, she had several. He did spoil her with material gifts, usually after an argument. The more volatile the argument, the more expensive the gift. Small fights usually meant roses, others meant perfume, clothing, scarfs, shoes, earrings, bracelets, necklaces. Really, if it weren't for the arguing, the doting would have been romantic.

It was knowing that the gifts were only because they had fought that broke Casey's heart. Realistically, she could have been happy with Charlie if it weren't for the fighting. It did not help that her other romantic experience was with Alexandra, and it was a powerful experience. It was almost like a link had been forged, and Casey assumed it was her own naivety that caused it. She felt foolish about it, took it as youth, inexperience, curiosity. Truth was that her conversations with Alex had started daily and lasted well into the night. Then, they had become shorter each day until there were entire days that she went without talking to the blond. Three months later, and except to study, she talked to her girlfriend maybe once each week, often less. They were slipping apart, like water through her hands.

She felt something touch her cheek, having, momentarily, forgotten where she was. Gasping, she turned to look at Charlie, his hand less than an inch from her face, fingers curled. "Hey," he murmured, his tone completely changing. "You okay?"

"Yea," Casey mumbled. "Just thinking."

"What about?"

"Nothing important." Casey shook her head, smiling softly. "Nothing that matters now." Leaning over, Casey gently kissed him, smiling. "I'm tired, Charlie. I'm going to take a shower, then I'd like to go to bed if that's okay with you."

Charlie nodded. "I should head to bed anyway. You know, there is a 'your side' of the bed in there."

"I know," Casey said, "and, I appreciate it, but, after we're married okay." And, she hoped, even longer after that, though she did not dare say as much aloud. She kissed him lightly on the cheek, standing. She shivered, glancing back once to look at him sitting on the couch very casually, as if the verbal blow up had never happened. Shuddering, she wondered how he could so easily switch through moods, then talk as though he did not recall being so angry. She did not understand, and it shook something deep in her core.

Closing and locking the bathroom door, Casey turned on the bath. Waiting for the water to warm, Casey stripped, staring at herself in the mirror. She picked at her lips remembering the taste of Alex's lips on hers. Her hands ran down her body, fingers tripping and dancing over her skin. The pale white was consistent, broken up only by freckles, not marred by bruises. As her hands flicked across her body, each touch brought up memories of one night months ago, and before she knew it, she was curled in the middle of the shower, hot water streaming over her, crying, the part of her that said what her mind felt was right at war with the part of her that said what her heart felt was right.

It was nearly an hour later that she climbed out of the shower, and Charlie was already in bed by then, Casey's pillow and blankets laid out on the couch. Pressing the pillow into her face, Casey inhaled deeply, finding only a creamy vanilla scent and the scent of her own shampoo. What traces of orange there were had dissipated. Laying down, Casey pulled the blankets up around her, hugging herself. She remembered the first night she had slept at Alex's apartment. She had been so willing to take the couch, and, yet, Alex had insisted that Casey take the bed. They had argued about it, and Casey had won, taking the couch. From there, it had been a natural progression to Casey sharing the bed with Alex, the blond often draped about her. Looking back with the eyes of a more experienced woman, Casey could see it, almost see when the friendship had changed for Alex, adding an extra sensation between them.

As Casey lay on the couch, unable to sleep, she considered that as well. She considered how two years prior, she had been laying on Alex's couch, coughing and throwing up, the blond dutifully providing her with water and coaxing her to eat even when she felt like being sick with each nibble. It had just been the flu, but the blond had dropped everything to take care of Casey. She had not known Charlie at the time, but in the time that she had known her fiancé, she seriously doubted that he would have done that. Alex was something else, and Casey felt so alone so far away.

Turning over, Casey sighed. "Don't be stupid, Novak," she whispered to herself. "You don't need anyone. It's childish to be so attached."

She bit her lip, flipping onto her back. Closing her eyes, she fought back tears. "Charlie takes care of me," she murmured. "I just need to stop being so stupid. Yea."

Closing her eyes, Casey fell into a fitful sleep, a pattern she repeated nightly until they caught the train back south to New York City. Casey had made arrangements with her parents that Charlie would stay in the guest bedroom for Christmas and New Year's weeks. It would keep Casey's parents happy and the pretext that they were not sharing an apartment. They technically were not sharing a bed which was Mary's sticking point, but Ryan, Casey's father, would be a little more touchy on the idea. He would not appreciate that Charlie and Casey were living together.

It was Christmas Eve that Casey finally managed to convince Charlie to take her father aside to formally ask him for her hand. She had given him the ring back before they had arrived in New York telling him to show her father the ring before he 'officially' asked her. As predicted, Casey's parents were more than delighted and Charlie 'asked' Casey latter that night so that Christmas morning, Casey trotted down the stairs for breakfast with the ring attached to her finger.

"Well," Casey's mother said, turning around from her post at the stove as she whipped eggs for scrambled eggs. "Let's have a look, then."

Casey held out her hand with a smile like she thought she was supposed to do. "I'm so excited, Mama," she purred as her mother hugged her. Kennedy, eight and not really understanding why they were hugging joined in on the hug, and Casey picked her up. "What do you think, Kennedy? Do you like Charlie?"

Kennedy nodded. "He brings me flowers," she said of the man who, indeed, had brought both Casey's mother and younger sister a bouquet of flowers – white roses for his to-be mother-in-law and yellow daisies for his to-be sister-in-law. Both were sitting in the kitchen, adding their sweet scent to the aroma of food.

"I hope he will always," Casey murmured, kissing Kennedy's cheek. Closing her eyes, she breathed a soft prayer that he would always be good to her family, even if he hurt her, she prayed he would never turn a hateful hand to her sister.

"Do I call him Brother Charlie?" Kennedy asked.

"If you like," Casey said with a genuine laugh.

Kennedy practically crawled out of Casey's arms. "Brother Charlie," she squealed, running out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Brother Charlie, brother Charlie!"

"He'll be good for her, you know," Mary said, handing Casey a bowl with batter that smelled like cinnamon roll batter. "What a good role model you turned out to be."

Casey flushed, bowing her head. "Thanks, Mom." She stirred the batter, blinking rapidly to hold back tears. She was not a good role model. There was nothing good about being a role model when the role she was modeling was being the closeted lesbian for fear of being outcast from her family, about marrying a man because she felt she did not deserve better than him, of knowing that she had found someone who treated her better but she did not have the guts to pursue in a more public manner. "How many people are coming over?"

"Well, there's the whole Novak clan, plus your father invited the Romans, Philip and Vanessa and their two children, Alison and Madison. Eddie's coming over. You'll help him again this year, won't you Case? He does like you."

"Old men seem to," Casey said with a shrug. "Maybe it's the whole helping out on laundry day thing."

"The man treats you like you're his grandkid, and you're complaining?" Mary gave Casey a stern look.

Casey shook her head. "Hardly. I think he's the best guy ever. I hope Charlie's like him when he gets older. How old is he now, anyway? Ninety?"

"Eighty seven. Really, Casey, you send him a birthday card every year," Mary tsked, laughing. "So, when is the wedding? Because, don't lie to your mother, you told Charlie to ask your dad."

"Alright, I did. Charlie would never have known otherwise. His own dad's kinda hands off. Besides, I wanted Daddy's permission before I agreed. But, we were thinking in June. Both of us will have taken the bar by then, so we'll have our cards but probably not be so settled into an office that a honeymoon would be out of the question. We worried that if we waited too long, we'd both find jobs and then be stuck not going anywhere without vacation time accrued."

"Smart thinking. You'll hold it in the cathedral, I presume?"

"Of course, Mama. I told Charlie we could honeymoon wherever he wanted, but I wanted to be married there."

Mary smiled. "Casey, you really do make me so proud, you know that?"

Nodding her head, Casey focused on the batter. "Yes, Mama."

Kennedy came racing back into the kitchen at that moment with the phone in her hands. "Casey, it's for you. It's Alex. I told her Merry Christmas."

"You did? You've very thoughtful, Kennedy. Thank you for bringing me the phone." Picking the phone from the girl's hands, Casey cradled it to her ear. "Ali?"

"Hey, hot shot. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Ali. What are you doing?"

"Just hanging out with the family today," Alex said, cautious as ever on the home line because there was no telling who was listening. Casey had called Alex when she had gotten into New York asking for a lunch date and apologizing for not calling more frequently. Alex, in typical Alexandra fashion, forgave Casey telling her that she understood how busy law school could make a girl. They both knew that was not the reason, but neither one said anything. "What are you up to?"

"Tell her your good news," Mary said from the stove.

"I heard," Alex purred on the other end. "Congratulations, Casey. I'm glad for you and Charlie. We'll have to get together for a girl's night before you go back to Massachusetts and we can have a good giggle before you're married."

Casey heard the hurt in Alex's tone. It was subtle. A stranger would not be able to hear it, but Casey could, plain as day. "Thanks, Ali. We'll have to," Casey said, forcing a smile for her mother since Alex could not see her. "The wedding won't be until June. Will you be my maid of honor? It would mean a lot to me."

"Of course, Casey. I would be honored."

"Thank you, Alex."

"Is Kennedy going to be your flower girl?"

"I seriously hope so, Ali. There's so much to plan. It'll be good to have a friend help me through it. And, you're my best friend. I wouldn't be able to do it without you." Casey fiddled with the necklace about her neck. It was, as ever, the Morse Code necklace Alex had given her back in August, back when Casey lost her virginity to the only woman she would ever love.

On the other end of the line, Alex clucked her tongue. "I'm still not that easy to get rid of, Casey. Call me later on when you get the chance. I'd love to help you get a wedding book started."

"You got it, Ali. Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too, Casey."

Both women were reluctant to hang up, but, eventually, Alex did.

"I think you got luckier at Harvard than you would have at NYU, Casey," Mary said as Casey set the phone on the counter and rejoined her mother in the melee of pans and bowls and utensils. Casey cocked her head as she picked up the batter she had been stirring and began pulling out long strings to roll out and douse in cinnamon and sugar. "You have a very good fiancé and an amazing friend."

"Yea, they're the best," Casey agreed, sucking her lower lip into her mouth, willing herself not to cry lest someone ask her what was wrong and she lose it completely.


	31. Chapter 31

**(31)**

They met up two days later, Casey catching the railway to Alex's neighborhood. Alex was waiting at the subway stop when Casey got there, and, seeing the blond, a surge of warmth cascaded through her. Three months at the DA's office had changed the way Alex stood in a crowd. She had always been regal and carried herself with a great dignity, but as she looked at and over the heads of subway goers that morning, she had a stern countenance, like she were deciding who among them would be next on her docket. Something had given her that look, some victim or defendant. Casey did not know, but she did know one thing: Alexandra Cabot had always been a force to be reckoned with, and if always meant anything, then it was evident that any more, she was a straight powerhouse. One day, Casey thought, she would be downright fearsome.

One day, Casey hoped to be just that way, too.

"Alex," Casey purred, stepping into the woman's welcoming arms. There was tension between them, and she could feel it, but neither one mentioned it. "Thank you."

"It's what best friends do, Casey," Alex chided. "Let's see the ring, then." With a nod, Casey dutifully handed Alex her left hand. "It's beautiful, hot shot. Are you truly happy?"

"It'll make my family happy which makes me happy, Alex."

The blonde's long fingers stroked through Casey's red hair, a frown playing at Alex's facial features. "I feared for worse, and you seem to be okay, so I'm happy for you, Casey."

"Thank you." Casey covered Alex's hand in hers and drew it down, lacing their fingers together. "I know you don't agree with me, but thank you for being happy for me nonetheless." Biting her lip and looking at her feet, Casey shuffled a little. "Uh, can I still kiss you?"

Alex turned Casey's head to face her, kissing her softly. "Of course, honey. I told you I'm not going anywhere."

"You have got to be the most patient person on this planet, Alex," Casey mumbled. "Because, roles reversed, I don't think I could do it. Hell, I don't have enough patience for me when I'm me."

Laughing, Alex led the way to the street, Casey's hand tight in hers. "Love gives us the permission we require to do some very strange things, Casey."

"I suppose," Casey answered, looking away from Alex as they walked. It took her several seconds before she was able to look up again. "How have you been? It's been a while."

"I've been okay. I missed you. I worried when you didn't call as much."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Casey. You never have to be sorry with me. I understand."

Casey shook her head, protesting. "No, Ali, it's not Charlie's fault."

"Oh?"

Flushing, Casey looked down. "Okay, so he didn't like that I called you, but I just got-"

"Hey," Alex interrupted. "Casey, do you trust me?"

"Yea." Casey nodded.

"Don't lie to me. You may not blush when you lie, but I still know your tells. Yes, you were busy, but you stopped calling because of Charlie."

Tears welled in her eyes as she shook her head. "He's gotten better, Ali. He doesn't hit me anymore. When he's mad, he just yells. That's it, no big."

"I believe you, Casey, but what if he had found out you called me?"

Casey shivered but did not say anything. That silence and that shudder were answer enough. Charlie still feared Alexandra for one reason - he still could not win her over and Casey still trusted Alex above him.

Alex hugged Casey to her as they walked. "Hey, hot shot, I didn't mean to put tears in your eyes. I've got a Christmas present for you at the apartment. And, you look like you've lost a lot of weight which is why I'm glad my parents gave me tons of leftovers."

"I'm not hungry," Casey murmured, chewing at her lip.

Alex shook her head but did not say anything. It was all she could do to not get angry. Her anger was not, however, directed at Casey, but at Charlie, and without him there to take the brunt of her rage, she swallowed it down knowing full well if it did not get the opportunity to be directed at Charlie, it would get channeled into court.

"Maybe later then," Alex said, her voice cool and calm.

"Thanks."

They walked in silence to Alex's apartment where Casey found two boxes sitting on Alex's coffee table, wrapped in festive decorations. "Alex, you really didn't have to."

"Yea, I did. You'll see why."

Casey smiled, peeling open the paper on the smallest box first. Inside, she found a small kit of bath salts, soaps, beads, and bubble bath as well as a book Casey was not familiar with. "Oh, my gosh," she purred, grinning from ear to ear. Alex knew her too well. "Thank you, Ali."

"I can't talk you into pampering yourself in Cambridge, but I can insist that you take that back with you. We also have appointments this afternoon for mani-pedis."

"You are a god-send."

Alex giggled. "Okay. Open the other one."

Casey did, curious as to what the larger but flatter box could contain. Pulling the lid off, she almost started crying. "Alex," she mewled, picking up the sweatshirt and sniffing it. It smelled of Alex's laundry soap and her perfume, that orange scent that she used and Casey felt safe when she breathed it in.

"You said you were going to steal it because it smelled like me, but, since it's a gift, it's not theft." Alex smiled, sitting on the couch beside Casey and pulling her close. "I put a bottle of my perfume in there, too, so you can spray some on when it starts to fade."

"You are kind of fantastic, you know that?" Casey said, holding the sweatshirt to her. Carefully, she folded it back up and laid it back in the box. "I, um, I got you a present, too."

Alex cocked her head in curiosity as Casey picked a blue envelope from her bag. She held it out to Alex who took it, examining the paper before turning it over in her hands and flipping open the flap. From within, a long, silver chain spilled out, though it was not quite pulled out in a line, but more a scattered, braided tangle. "Here, hold out your wrist," Casey instructed, plucking the apparent matt from her friend's fingers.

Doing as she was bid, Alex gracefully offered her wrist to Casey who spread the silver chain over her skin until it wrapped around, a delicate bracelet. Once the item was on her wrist, Alex could tell the braids and tangles actually created a pattern. Turning her wrist about, Alex looked at the design, smiling as she found where the weaves and tangles transformed into two bees buzzing about a flower. The chain, she realized, was tinted yellow at the bees and pink at the flower, but the trinket had to be in the right light to catch it.

"This is beautiful, Casey. Where did you get it?" she asked, turning the near gauntlet over and over, catching it in and out of the soft light from sun seeping through the windows.

Casey shrugged. "There's a little Nepalese shop and restaurant in Boston. The man who owns it does all of his own jewelry, and I asked him to create this for you for Christmas. It was the first thing I did when I got to Mass."

"I love it," Alex purred, leaning over and kissing Casey. "I really do adore it. Thank you. And, I am so glad you're here through winter break. That made my week."

"Even if I am getting married?" Casey asked, flushing, almost ashamed.

Alex nodded. "And, speaking of, as Maid of Honor, I've started looking at places for you to get a wedding dress. We can hit some of the places up this afternoon. I scheduled tentative appointments at a couple of places."

"Wow, you move fast."

"I don't have much time to cart you around trying on dresses before you disappear on me until Spring break, and, let's face it, that's so close to your wedding that you ought to be finalizing everything by then, not just starting it." Casey shook her head, laughing. "What?"

"Nothing," Casey murmured, sliding her arm through Alex's and resting her head on her shoulder. "I just forgot how good it feels to hear you laugh."

"Call more often. I'll be sure to make certain you hear it," Alex teased. "Also, would it be helpful if I gave you another phone? You can leave it in a gym locker at the school or the café if you're still working there. That way, you can call and we can talk. And, if Charlie finds out, tell him we were discussing plans for your wedding."

Casey pushed the tears from her face. "You're far too good to me, Alexandra," she mewled.

"You deserve it, Casey, and so much more than I could ever hope to give you." Alex kissed the top of Casey's forehead. "Just, do me a favor, no matter what Charlie says?"

"Sure."

"Try to put the weight back on that you lost. You could add a good thirty pounds, Case, and still be mildly underweight. I'm sorry. I don't want to harp on you about it, but you've got to be healthy."

"Charlie calls me a fat, ugly cow. He says I need to lose weight."

Alex shook her head. "He's a fool, then, Casey. You are always beautiful, but you were beautiful and healthy when you left me in August. You've lost health. I want you to get that back. Promise me?"

Nodding, Casey teared up again. This time, Alex pulled Casey into her lap, cradling her. "Hush now, my little one, please don't you cry. Lay your head down on my shoulder and sigh," Alex sang, her voice soft.

Casey smiled, laughing quietly. "Makes me sound like I'm your kid."

Alex shrugged. "My mom used to sing that to me when I was a kid. So did my nanny. It always used to make me feel safe and warm and loved, and that's what I want you to feel, Casey, no matter who you're with."

"I don't care what anyone ever says, Alex, you're an angel."

Smiling, Alex combed her fingers through Casey's hair. "Well, will you let this angel feed you, then? It's chicken baked with apples and a variety of side dishes."

Placing a hand over her stomach, Casey nodded. "I'm so hungry. My parents think I'm anorexic. They tried to have an intervention last night."

"Oh?"

"The worst part was that Charlie joined them, like he wanted me to gain weight. Later on, though, when we were outside, he pinched my stomach and told me I was fat. I mean, sure, okay, I could lose a little, but why does he have to be so fucking mean about it?" Casey wrapped her arms around Alex's middle, hanging on to her. "I'm sorry, Ali. I don't even know what I think. Ignore me. Just ignore me."

"No, sweetie. I won't ignore you. You're an incredibly intelligent woman, and it's that part of you that's saying something about what he's telling you doesn't add up. But, you're also vulnerable, Casey. Any person, if they hear something often enough will start to believe that it's true."

Casey bit her lip. "I'm sure you're right," she said, sitting up, rubbing her arms as she did so. "Um, Ali?"

"Yea, hot shot?" Alex asked when Casey did not continue.

"Never mind. You think we could just lay here for a couple of hours?"

"Tell ya what," Alex said, bouncing a little. "Let's get through the appointments, buy a pint of ice cream and canned peaches and come back here and make a pillow fort and eat ice cream because it's the middle of fucking winter and what better way to say fuck you to the cold than to be with your best friend in a pillow fort with ice cream?"

Casey laughed. "Alright. It's a deal, but only if you try on dresses with me."

"You got yourself a deal, Counsel."

It did not take long to get Casey started looking at different dresses. Over the course of the day, she tried several on ranging from long and puffy to short and straight to long and straight and, even, for Alex's amusement, one short and puffy one. What felt like hundreds of dresses later, though was probably really only thirty, Casey stood before a mirror, the dress too big on her, though the woman assuring her that with alterations it would fit fine.

Though there was a smile on the red head's face, the blonde detected a frown in her eyes, and, careful of the two women fussing over Casey, touched her lover's cheek. "Honey, are you alright?"

Casey nodded. "I'm fine. Nerves, I guess. You promised I could see you in a dress, too."

Alex smiled, her fingers brushing Casey's cheek and jaw. "Alright, alright. I did." The stern countenance which Casey noticed Alex almost automatically adopted in public faded for just a moment. "You pick it out, then."

Picking an elegant little number from the rack, Casey held it out to Alex. It was simple, sleeveless, and slender through the body, but more open near the feet so as to not inhibit walking. There was no train or puff to the dress, and Alex shrugged, disappearing with it into one of the changing rooms. When she emerged, changed, even the two women who worked at the dress shop stared. Casey's breath stopped in her throat. "Oh my God," Casey said, her voice an exhale of air. "When are you getting married?"

Alex shrugged. "Whenever the right person says yes," she answered with a soft smile. Her hair framed her face perfectly, and her grey eyes seemed to explode with a gentle aura courtesy of the cream coloring. To say she looked stunning would have been an understatement, and Casey felt a renewed sense of anticipation like butterflies in her stomach. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Come look at yourself in the mirror. Ali, whenever you get married, you truly will be the most beautiful woman in the room."

Alex giggled. "I can think of one who will be more," she quipped, looking herself over. "I don't look too bad, huh?"

Casey shook her head. "No. You look gorgeous. Wanna get married instead?"

Laughing, Alex shook her head. "No. You keep Charlie. I've got my eyes on someone I like much better." Alex winked, grinning playfully as she swished from side to side, listening to the mild rustle of the dress.

Smiling, Casey looked down. "Well, I got to see what I came for," she mused with a smile. "And, I like some of these dresses. But, can we go home? I'm kind of exhausted."

"Yea, of course. Did you grab a business card?"

"Um." Casey looked around.

"Here," one of the women helping them said. "On the back is our names. We'd be happy to show you more dresses. You both look gorgeous."

"Thanks. I appreciate it," Casey said, taking the card the woman was offering, tucking it into her purse.

The two women changed back into street clothes and set off, Alex lacing her fingers in Casey's as they walked out the door. "You know, you are my favorite human being in the whole world," Alex said to Casey, kissing her on the cheek.

"That's a lot of people to compare me to," Casey murmured.

"There's no comparison, Case."

They fell to silence for a couple of blocks before Alex tugged Casey close, their hips touching. Alex looped her arm over Casey's shoulder, her fingers playing with the fabric of her sweatshirt. "What are you humming?" Casey asked, looking up at Alex.

"I didn't know I was," Alex mused.

"Sing it to me?"

"How did it go?"

Casey hummed the last few bars as best she could remember Alex humming them.

"And in the mist, there she rides, and castles are burning in my heart. And as I twist, I hold tight. And I ride to work every morning wondering why. Sit in the chair and be good now, and become all that they told you. The white coats enter her room. And I'm callin' my baby, callin' my baby, callin' my baby, callin' everybody else's girl. Maybe one day she'll be her own," Alex sang, her breath almost whispered.

"Who's that by?"

"Tori Amos. I was kind of on a kick with her CDs in college. I used to listen to that CD before exams. It's kind of sad, but she writes really well."

"No kidding. It sounds sad."

"Yea. You can borrow that CD if you want to listen to the entire song. I am not a good singer, so it'll be better to hear it from her. Plus, you can listen to the other songs on the CD." Alex felt Casey's fingers touch hers, and she stroked them gently over Casey's shoulder.

"Will they make me cry?"

"Probably."

Casey linked her fingers in Alex's, her thumb rubbing over her own collar bone, Alex's thumb resting on the same digit. "I don't know, then." Casey shook her head. "I don't know if I can cry anymore."

"I know, sweetie. What kind of ice cream do you want?"

"Peanut butter?" Casey asked, her voice turning hopeful as they separated, walking into the small mom and pop grocery store. "If they have it. If not, I vote mint chocolate chip."

Alex laughed. "Peanut butter it is," she said, leading them back to the frozen section. "If they have it. You are such a dork, you know that?"

"I know," Casey mused, flushing. "Oh, look, they have Reese's. That's close enough for me if it works for you."

"Seeing you practically dance over a carton of ice cream works for me," Alex purred as Casey picked out the pint and held it out to Alex for inspection. "You never cease to amaze me."

Laughing, Casey shook her head. "You mean amuse."

"I mean both." Alex wrapped her arm around Casey's waist, drawing her in and kissing her. Yes, she was hurt by the fact that Casey was marrying Charlie, but she had meant what she had said. If it made Casey happy, then she supported it. It did not matter that Casey did not know it did not make her happy. Alex was praying that she would one day figure it out, and if not, at least, then, Alex knew she had one safe, supportive person that she could lean back on. Casey would always be able to lean on Alex.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Smut chapter. Why? Because I can. You don't need to read it for content, but you all seem to be okay with smut. So... here. Enjoy. It's really not that graphic. **

**Thank you for the reads. I'm going to aim on posting again tomorrow, but it might be Saturday. :) **

**(32)**

Covering them both in the comforter from her bed, Alex snuggled closer to Casey, their empty ice cream bowls pushed away from them as they watched whatever was on the television. Alex had lost track of what it was long ago as she stroked her fingers through the red head's long, soft hair.

"I don't want to leave," Casey murmured, rolling over to face Alex. She tugged the comforter over each of their heads. Being that it was a pale colored comforter, the lights from the living room still penetrated the fabric, casting them both in a pale glow. Casey smiled, giggling.

Alex moved forward, quickly, pecking Casey's lips with a quick kiss. "What do you mean, honey?"

"Never mind," Casey mused, tapping Alex's nose with her finger and giggling again. "Hey, can you come out and visit me one of these days? Please? We'll get a hotel room and just hang out one weekend."

"Just hang out, Casey?" Alex said, raising a brow.

Shrugging, the red head rolled her fingers over Alex's cheeks and jaw. "Yea. I mean, I would probably have to have my books, but we could eat ice cream and watch movies all weekend."

Alex laughed. "Mm. Because if I have you for a weekend, that's what I wanna do with you."

"What would you prefer?" Casey asked.

"Well," Alex mused, shrugging. "I guess anything, even eating ice cream and watching movies, as long as it's with you."

Casey bit her lip and dropped her head, her eyes turned up to Alex. "Oh, don't get me wrong, Ali. There's plenty of other stuff I'd love to do with you. I feel safe with you. I, um," Casey murmured, sucking on her lip. "I, um, wan- want." She dragged her fingers over Alex's shoulder and down her arm to her fingers. "If, um, if it's okay."

"Did I turn something on?" Alex giggled, pulling Casey to her by the hips, her fingers dancing around Casey's hips and lower back. Casey was still brand new at the idea of anything sexual. Short of fending Charlie off, she really had no idea what she was doing, and she really did not want to fend Alex off. She wanted to pull Alex closer to her.

Pressing her lips against Alex's, Casey fell into the kiss that Alex opened up to her, Alex rolling on top of her to straddle her, the comforter still thrown over them, though having slid away so that when Casey opened her eyes and looked up, she saw Alex's face above her, framed by her golden hair with a backdrop ceiling. Smiling, Alex looked away for just a moment, and Casey heard the click of the television followed by the silence that told Casey the television had been turned off.

Looking down, Alex stroked Casey's cheek. "You're so beautiful, Casey," Alex whispered, brushing the pads of her fingers over Casey's brow. She shifted so that her weight was born on her knees and not on Casey's stomach and hips. Casey offered a strange mewling sound as Alex did so, though, causing the blonde's brows to knit. "Honey, are you okay?"

"Yea. But, don't. I like the feel of you on me. I won't break, Ali. I promise." Pushing Casey's shirt up to reveal her stomach, Alex complied though slid down Casey's legs to kiss her belly button, her kisses working their way first to her right hip, then back to the center, then to her left hip, center, and casually began to creep up Casey's stomach to her sternum. The entire time, Alex kept her eyes rolled up to watch Casey, the red haired woman having propped herself up on her elbows in order to watch what Alex was doing. Alex could see how Casey's pupils had dilated, lust shimmering in the glow of her iris.

It was a look Alex was familiar with from her romps in college those years before she met Casey when she had been much less discriminatory and had more than her share of one night stands. Yet, since meeting Casey, the woman in question was the only person to share Alex's bed – or anything else. Casey, the Catholic woman who was too afraid of being lesbian, too afraid of making her parents unhappy with her that she would rather marry an abusive man, had tamed the wild and unruly Alexandra Cabot. And, she had tamed her with little more than a flash of that smile. Gently, Alex bit down on the lowest rib, her teeth careful not to hurt as she closed her mouth around Casey's flesh. She sucked at the too thin woman's flesh, leaving rings of purplish red as Casey's chest heaved, her hand tangled in Alex's hair, pulling ever so slightly as her hips bucked upwards.

The fingers from Casey's other hand found Alex's cheek and, without missing a beat, Alex turned her head, her mouth closing over Casey's middle finger, tongue wrapping about the digit. She sucked Casey's finger, her tongue dancing wildly about the skin. Casey groaned, her head tipping back as her eyes closed. "Yes. Alex, oh, God."

Releasing Casey's finger, Alex smiled, her eyes dancing with some kind of mischief that made Casey shudder involuntarily as she caught the glint under the cast of the dimmed lights. The overhead light was off, as it had been for the shows, but the floor lamp behind the couch was a muted yellow that made Alex glow. Perhaps that was just lust.

"Alex," Casey murmured, her hands pressed against the blonde's flat belly. "This, um, this, I-" She struggled for words as she fought what she wanted to say and how it needed to be said. Licking her lips, she tried again. "Sometimes, when I dream, I dream about you, Alex. And, there are times when I close my eyes and I think about the feel of your lips pressed against mine, what it felt like to have you inside me, what it's like to hear your voice. You envelope me, Ali, inside and outside, and I fantasize about that."

Casey bit her lip. She did not say it was that which kept her safe whenever Charlie's hands wandered to places she did not want them to. She was too much of a hypocrite to admit such things aloud. If she could allow Alexandra's hands to wander, why not Charlie's? It was a question that she had meditated on for many long nights, and the only reasonable answer she could attain was that Alex touched her for Casey's pleasure and comfort. Charlie touched her for his. And, maybe that was selfish, but Alex's selflessness was kind of a turn on.

Still, Casey had not said what she had set out to say, so Alex said it for her. "This will probably be the last time," she murmured.

Casey nodded, her hands moving to Alex's hips. "Yes," she whispered, catching her breath as Alex grazed her nails over the cloth covering Casey's chest. Things inside of her lit up as though on fire. "But, Ali, I want you to teach me how to love you."

"You already know how to do that, Casey," Alex mused. "I see it in your eyes when you look at me."

Smiling, Casey flushed. "I do love you, Alex, but not that. I mean, teach me how to give you pleasure, like how you gave it to me."

"Ah," Alex purred. "You wanna learn how to make me come?" Casey nodded, her cheeks deep crimson. "Alright." Still managing to be sensuous, Alex pulled her shirt from over her head, dropping it to the floor, and picked up Casey's hands, all in one continuous movement. Remaining perched at Casey's thighs, Alex took the red head's hands in hers, cupping them, trailing the pale, pale fingers down her neck. "Think about what you like, Casey. We're fundamentally the same creature."

Letting her fingers drift over the backs of Casey's hands, Alex let her lover's fingers wander over the pale skin of her chest, feather light touches brushing over the tops of her breasts. Alex's head lolled as Casey's fingers traced her bra behind her back to the snaps. Casey looked up to Alex as though asking for permission, and the very slight nod from the blonde was all she needed to undo the hooks, the fabric falling away from Alex's body as Casey pulled it lightly over her shoulders and down her arms.

"You're beautiful," Casey breathed, abandoning the bra to the floor and letting her fingers dance over Alex's chest, her eyes watching Alex's face studiously. On one hand, she wanted to watch Alex's facial tells to see if she was doing it right. On the other, she wanted to take in Alex's body, memorize it, in case she never got to see her in that same position again. Alex's eyes fluttered as she groaned, Casey rolling her nipples between her fingers. Sitting up, Casey dislodged Alex from her perch, though with her hands wrapped around Alex's back, she easily pulled her onto her lap, kissing her delicately.

Casey's mouth wandered over Alex's neck, sucking and nipping, Alex stretching her neck out so that more of her skin was exposed to Casey's teeth and tongue. The red head paused just long enough that when Alex's fingers wrapped around her shirt, she was able to pull the fabric over her head, the mass joining the other shirt on the floor.

Whimpering as Casey's teeth closed around the flesh atop her breasts, Alex reached behind her, grasping the couch and pulling Casey back with her, the younger of the two women landing sprawled between Alex's legs, their bodies flush as Casey captured a kiss. Reaching forward, Alex unbuttoned Casey's jeans, pushing them over her hips and down to her knees where she was unable to move the fabric any further since Casey had moved to sit on her knees. Never the kind of woman to be deterred, Alex started up a pattern of small circles on Casey's thighs.

With a long, low groan, Casey clutched Alex's hands between her legs and pulled them away, pressing each wrist to the couch as her mouth explored the exposed skin. She listened for the different noises Alex made when her mouth found different areas of skin. There was the near strangled cry and the rapid breathing that came with having her ears nibbled. There were the gasping pants when Casey's mouth found her erect nipples. There was whimpered begging when Casey licked from Alex's navel to her neck then blew cool air over the wet line.

Through it all, Casey noticed her own underwear becoming wetter, a heat between her legs that had not been there in a few months. She also noticed that she could feel Alex's heat against her thigh as she scooted closer, using her leg to press the denim fabric. Alex arched her back, pressing herself against Casey's thigh. She had given a word of encouragement here and a direction there when Casey was so very close to hitting a favored spot that Alex could scarcely stand it, but otherwise, Casey was running basically on instinct, on trying to remember what Alex had done to her and what the formerly good little Catholic girl had fantasized about Alex doing to her.

"Couch," Casey breathed. Alex nodded, climbing onto the couch and laying back as Casey resumed her position between her legs, the red head working at Alex's button and zipper on her jeans, the red head having kicked her own jeans off. After a few seconds, she growled in frustration, Alex reaching down to help her.

Alex lifted her hips, Casey taking both her jeans and her underwear, pushing them to the floor, her hands roving Alex's body appreciatively. Sliding backwards on the couch so that she could prop herself up on the arm rest with her elbows, Alex watched Casey. The woman seemed absolutely fascinated by her body, as though she were trying to see if all so that she could memorize it. As Casey's fingers grazed her legs, hips, thighs, stomach, chest, and arms, Alex figured Casey was out to do just that, memorize her. "Here," Alex murmured, panting, as she pulled Casey's hand from her body, directing it lower, between her legs.

"Holy Christ," Casey whispered, her fingers pressed against the wetness at Alex's core.

"Oh, God, Casey. You have no idea how badly I've fantasized about this." Alex manipulated Casey's fingers so that she had her middle finger pressed against her own clit. "That little button right there is the same as the one that makes you call me God." Eyes twinkling, Alex smiled at Casey.

The red head offered a devilish grin, moving her finger in a quick circle. Alex gasped. "Oh, I see how this works," Casey murmured, something dark in her eyes. It licked out at her irises and tightened Alex's body without her understanding why as Casey leaned forward, kissing Alex, exploring her mouth with her tongue, her fingers paying careful attention to Alex's clit, the blonde squirming beneath her, whimpering into their combined mouths.

"Jesus," Casey whispered, trailing kisses down Alex's neck and shoulders as she scooted back, her fingers moving lower, too, touching the outer ring of Alex's opening. She continued her kisses down Alex's body, hand hovering just so that Alex could tell it was there, but far enough away that she was only just barely touching her.

"Casey, fuck. Please," Alex whined. She shifted, trying to encourage Casey to penetrate her, but the red head pulled her hand back. "Jesus, for being inexperienced, you're a fucking tease."

"Ah, ah," Casey murmured, lips pressed against Alex's stomach. "I am a tease. I'm your tease. And, you know you're enjoying every second." Casey's tongue flicked curiously between Alex's legs. Pausing, Casey's breath fell hot against Alex's center, the red head seeming to decide whether or not she liked the new taste she found on her lips. Deciding that she could see it growing on her, she tucked her body close, kissing and licking her way along the insides of Alex's thighs, skin already slick with moisture.

With the caution of inexperience and years of being told everything she did with Alex was a sin, Casey was slow moving. And, though inadvertent, it was that slow caution that was driving Alex mad. "Casey, please stop teasing."

"Alex," Casey whispered, sounding unsure. "Ali, I'm not teasing any more. I don't know what to do. I don't-"

Sitting straighter, Alex reached over and took Casey's hand in her own, pressing her fingers against her center. Casey took the hint, unfurling her hands, and slid her middle finger into Alex, the blonde groaning in appreciation. Watching her finger disappear in fascination, Casey gently pulled back. "There you go," Alex purred. "Like that. And, if you curl your finger just a little-" Casey did, glancing up at Alex just in time to see the woman's eyes roll.

Acting from a combination of instinct and curiosity, Casey licked at the liquid seeping onto her hand as she stroked leisurely in and out of her girlfriend. "Dear God, Case, that's hot." Casey offered a small smile before licking from her own hand up to Alex's body, her mouth closing around Alex's all too sensitive button, picking up speed and force as she did so. Alex wrapped her fingers through Casey's hair as she arched her back. "Oh, God, Casey."

Alex bit her lip, her body having been deprived of sex for months. Alex had given up masturbating, too, finding it far less erotic without Casey there. She had fallen head over heads, love and lust, deep. As she came down from her twitching high, Casey kissed a line from her privates up her stomach, between her breasts, and to her mouth, not even aware of what she was doing. Alex moaned, tasting herself on Casey, her eyes rolling again. "Dear God," she murmured.

Smiling, Casey proceeded to lick her own fingers, making sure that Alex was watching her as she did so. "Looks like I've figured out what makes you call me God, too," Casey purred looking cheeky.

"Mmhm," Alex agreed, her hand sliding down her own stomach to where Casey was sitting on her hips. "Wanna learn a nice trick?" She crossed two fingers together, pushing them inside Casey's opening in a smooth, practiced movement, curling them just right for Casey to yelp, jumping against her body.

It was sometime later that they ended up on the bed, and Alex collected the pillow from the floor, balling it up under her head as she lay on her side, watching Casey. The red head's eyes fluttered weakly, and Alex could tell just by her facial expression that she was still too far gone to speak. It made her smile that she could do that to her lover. She did not gloat about it or say anything to Casey, only watched her returning from the realm of near unconsciousness, Alex having had her riding the cusp between realms only minutes before. Whatever a person could call it, Alex genuinely wanted to give Casey everything she possibly could in every shape and form. That aside, it was kind of selfish of her to take Casey there. Nothing, she learned that day, beat the way Casey's trembling body felt against her, her lips moving, but mind too far gone to allow her to speak.

Casey licked her lips, her eyes rolling to look at Alex. "Eh," she murmured, her brow furrowed as she tried to formulate words.

"Yes, honey?" Alex whispered, her fingers grazing through Casey's hair, damp near her scalp. Casey's body still glistened, and Alex knew from previous experiences that a feathery touch in the right place would cause Casey to convulse. She was almost tempted to do it, but her worry of pushing Casey too far kept her hands mostly to herself.

Licking her lips, Casey managed to get her hands beneath her with some effort and prop herself up, her arms shaking from exhaustion. "I'm, I've, my body feels like it's on fire," she whispered, her words clipped and breathy. "Hot and cold, like I can feel everything all at once, but I'm numb, too."

Alex smiled. "Do you feel good?" she asked.

"Like I'm in Elysium," Casey replied with a soft nod. Her lids fluttered as she moaned, her head rocking down to the pillow. "Yep, cloud nine."

Kissing Casey's nose, Alex hummed a purr of approval. "That's good. You sound sleepy. You can nap. It's okay. I'll watch over you."

"I don't want to waste my time with you by sleeping," Casey whispered with a yawn. "But, I can't really seem to get my legs to cooperate."

Alex giggled, licking a stripe down Casey's neck. The red haired woman shuddered, a small cry passing her lips. "You're going to make me pass out," Casey warned, her eyes fluttering as Alex's hand slid between their bodies and over Casey's warm, sticky stomach.

"Do you want me to stop?" Alex asked, pausing mid motion for Casey's response.

Shaking her head, Casey placed her hand over Alex's and slid it down to its originally intended destination. "If I could, I would spend much more time exploring both of our bodies. I have the strangest feeling you do things to me that no one else will ever accomplish."

Alex smiled, her fingers finding delicate nerve endings that made Casey's back bow. "That's because you trust me enough to truly let go, Casey," Alex whispered, her mouth closing over Casey's nipple.

The other women never did get a chance to respond. She was too busy at the time, her frontal lobe having completely given over control to her more primal instincts. She clawed Alex closer to her, the noises coming from her mouth primordial, closer to animal than human. Alex, ever dutiful, hit that spot, and Casey felt a spasm of pure electricity rocket through her, and the next thing she knew, there was a faint buzzing sound in her ears.

She groaned, opening her eyes to find Alex looking down at her, fingers gently massaging her temples. It took Casey a moment to realize it, but her head was in Alex's lap, the woman having pulled on a tee shirt between Casey's last memory of her and that moment.

"What happened?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"You passed out," Alex said, her voice soft.

Casey smiled. "I told you I would," she mewled.

"How do you feel?" Alex asked.

Casey thought about that a moment, examining her fingers as she moved them. "I can move, but it's like watching someone else. I feel it, but it just doesn't seem real."

"You're very reactive."

"Only to you," Casey murmured.

Alex tipped her head, lips parting on instinct to ask what that meant, but Casey seemed in a good mood, and she knew enough about the answer to know that would spoil the glow. Instead, Alex smiled. "You know how to stroke a woman's ego," she mused.

Casey laughed, propping herself up enough that Alex could easily lean over and kiss her. "I love you, Ali, and I'm not just some Catholic turned prostitute who will say that from the basis of sex. I mean it."

Alex smiled. "Catholic turned prostitute? That's a new one. I thought the prostitute became Catholic." Casey playfully swatted Alex's arm. "In seriousness, Casey, I love you, too. And, I know you love me. More importantly, I know you trust me."

"Oh?"

"No one passes out during sex if they don't trust the person they're with to take care of them."

Casey lifted her hand to touch Alex's cheek. "I trust you with more than my body," she murmured. "I trust you with everything."


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Ooh, I know you all kind of hate me when I post these chapters, but... well, I'm posting it anyway. Casey's learning, evolving. She's starting to challenge Charlie in ways that she would not have at Christmas, so it's a good thing. I think the downside is that Casey's not the only one evolving.**

As always, thanks for the reads and reviews. Steple - what do you think? Still going down a good track for ya?

**(33)**

She turned her head just slightly in an attempt to get comfortable. They were laying on top of the covers – Casey refused to crawl under them knowing that Charlie's hands would likely wander if they did, though not having the covers did not seem to deter him – and Casey was wearing sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt just in case there were any questions about the fact that she wanted to keep her clothes on. She had made Charlie put on sweats even though he usually slept in his boxers. He had conceded to her requests only because if he did, she had agreed to start trying to sleep in the same bed. Casey had been trying for three nights, and each night, once Charlie fell asleep, Casey had left the bed and gone back to her old spot on the couch, curled up with a small stuffed animal tiger that Casey spritzed with Alex's perfume every couple of days. But, she started her evenings with him, curled against his chest, mentally remarking on the striking difference between the hardness of Charlie's chest and the softness of Alex's. Then again, Alex had something Charlie did not to help pad her bones.

"Stop tossing," Charlie admonished, his voice quiet in the evening, the lights in the bedroom turned off, casting the room in a greyish glow from the Cambridge streetlights. It was getting on into March, and though it was warming considerably, Casey could not get warm. She was uncomfortable, cold, and exhausted.

Turning again, Casey looked up to Charlie. "I'm sorry, Charlie," she murmured. "I just can't get comfortable. I'm gunna lay on the couch, babe. I think I'll be able to settle down. I'm sorry, Charlie, but it's like I'm not accustomed to beds anymore." Casey rolled off the bed, dropping onto her feet, wincing as she did so.

She had not called Alex to tell her because she had not wanted to worry the woman any more, but Charlie's physical abuse had started again. The less frequently he took his medication, the more physical he seemed to get. Mostly, it was pulling Casey around by a tight grip on her arm or pushing her down. Occasionally, he would pull her hair. If he kicked or punched her, though, that was how she knew she had really pissed him off. The only hardship she was discovering was the internal conflict – the large part that said it was her fault and she deserved it versus the smaller part that sounded a lot like Alexandra Cabot that said she deserved better and that none of it was her fault. More often than not, it was that larger, louder voice that blamed Casey that won the arguments, but, occasionally, the little voice would win her over, and she would set to crying for an entirely different reason.

Three months before the wedding, and she felt like she could not win for losing. It was a hopeless battle. On one hand, she knew that she could stay with Charlie, but she would be unhappy and hurt. On the other, she could leave him and go to Alex where she knew she would be safe but still unhappy because her relationship with her family would fall to pieces. There was a third option, though she had no idea how well that would go over. She could, she knew, just leave Charlie and never openly be with Alex. At least, not openly to her family. That hardly seemed fair to Alex, and Casey knew it would result in her mother trying to set her up for dates like Casey was going to leave them without grandchildren. Casey was far from the eldest, so her younger siblings had plenty of time to do so, and she was not the eldest, so it was not her duty to be the first to do that. That honor, by age, belonged to William.

Delicately, she pressed a hand to her stomach, glancing back at Charlie with a soft smile. He was watching her, eyes dark beneath the shadows of the room. He looked angry, but he did not say anything. She could not imagine carrying a child or bringing it into the world with Charlie for a father. First, she knew the infant would have a high likelihood of being schizophrenic with one parent who was. Alex had told her that her own greatest fear was being schizophrenic because her brother was, and while it was not entirely genetic, Casey imagined it like a switch. A person might be born with the switch because of genes, but familial environment was what determined whether or not it was flicked.

As she walked, she tried desperately not to limp. He had pushed her onto the floor some days prior, and she had fallen oddly on her hip leaving a large bruise and some pain while walking. While he had apologized profusely since then, though, he did not like to see her limp and often became angry, telling her she was over exaggerating – it had not hurt that much. However, for not limping, the price she paid was slow movement.

"You're not seriously going to sleep on the couch, Casey," Charlie barked. "We're going to be married soon. You can't just keep sleeping on the couch."

"I'm sorry," Casey said, leaning on the door frame. "It's just more comfortable. I'm more used to it. You know I barely slept when we went to my parents. Beds just feel funny now, Charlie. I'll get used to them. It's just going to take a while." It might not have been the bed, but she definitely was not going to tell Charlie that much. He was already irate over it being the bed. She could only imagine how angry he would be if she told him that it was not the bed, it was him.

That was not to say that he was always angry. There were days when she would arrive home from class – she was no longer working – and Charlie would have made dinner and decorated the table with a rose. He would bring her flowers. He would give her back rubs. He would help her study. There were days where he was perfect, where she would have sworn he was taking lessons from Alex. Except, unlike Alex, he would eventually blow up at her, eventually become angry. The names would start slipping in, then the slaps and the yelling, then the big blow up . Then, things would be fine again.

Once, Casey had gone to class with a black eye. Her professor had very subtly laid a card in front of her with the number to a domestic violence shelter in Cambridge and a note letting Casey know if she needed to talk, the professor's door – at the campus and her regular job – were always open. The older woman, a private appeals attorney, had not heckled or hounded Casey following that. It had been a onetime deal, though Casey knew the offer was still open. It had kind of been the line in the sand for Casey, though. Alex thought Charlie abused her, Casey's professors thought Charlie abused her. Even some of Casey's classmates had said something, or shot her that pitying look.

Casey hated it. That alone made her cry, but she was at a point where she just felt trapped. She felt trapped by her family, by the little ring on her finger, by her own stubborn refusal to have thought earlier in the relationship it would get as bad as it had. She still tried to mitigate it, and in her own head, she heard herself doing just that. He only shoved her, not a big deal. The problem was, the shove had nearly dislocated her hip. He only slapped her, not a big deal. The problem was, he had slapped her because she had ducked when he threw the plate at her.

She curled on the couch, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and fought the urge to cry. It was not that bad. If it were that bad, she figured, her neighbors would have called the police. When the police started showing up, she thought, then she would call it that bad. But, thus far, there had been no officer involvement, not even a noise disturbance complaint, so it could not be that bad.

A pair of strong, toned arms wrapped about her, a body pressed tight against hers. She wiggled forward into the pillows to try and make more room for Charlie who was coiled behind her. Some nights, he did that. He would sleep on the couch with her. It meant that she did not sleep that night because she was squished too uncomfortably into the pillows and she feared suffocating, but it was better than protesting.

Lips pressed the back of her neck. "Come to bed, Casey," Charlie murmured. "Maybe you'll be more comfortable under the covers. I'll sleep on top. Don't worry. I'll be good."

'I know you will, honey," Casey murmured, rubbing her fingers over Charlie's hand about her waist. Casey bit her lip quietly before bringing Charlie's hand up to her mouth, kissing the back of his hand lightly.

"Then you can't argue. Casey, I know it's going to take some time getting used to sleeping in a bed with someone else, but you'll have to. It'll make our honeymoon more relaxing for you if you're already able to sleep in a bed."

Casey sighed. He talked to her like she was a juvenile when she was being irrational or silly. She did not like it, though she did understand it. "You're right," she murmured, kissing his fingers once more. "But, Charlie, I'm probably gunna toss and turn and not get comfortable right away. It might be a few days. I don't want that to annoy you."

"I'll deal with it," Charlie said, pulling away from Casey before she felt arms under her body. She yelped in surprise when he picked her up, her arms wrapping around his neck. He carried her into the bedroom and drew the comforter back, sliding her onto the bed sheet. Casey let him tuck her in before she turned on her side. Charlie climbed on top of the bed opposite her, wrapping his arms around her.

Gingerly, Casey traced Charlie's fingers until she heard him snoring softly behind her. Then, she let her hand drop, curling both hands under her pillow as she tried to will herself to sleep. By three thirty that morning, she was figuring that her best way of getting through it was to buy Benadryl to make her sleepy. Hopefully, she prayed, that would make her tired enough to actually fall asleep.

She was still awake when Charlie woke up, but, feeling him stir behind her, she closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. What surprised her was what she did not think would happen. Charlie got up, closing the bedroom door quietly behind him, and, once he was gone, Casey was asleep within fifteen minutes.

Fortunately, Charlie let her sleep most of the day, and though she woke off and on throughout, she was pretty much asleep until six o'clock that evening when she woke with a start, Alex's name a whisper on her lips. She could not remember exactly what she had been dreaming about, but she knew Alex was there. It had left her heart pounding in her throat, a confused feeling rumbling through her mind as though she were not sure she were having a dream or a nightmare.

Standing, Casey gingerly tested her hip. With the rest, it seemed to be doing much better, and she walked out into the living room with barely any pain at all. "Charlie?" she questioned, but the living room lights were off, as were the kitchen lights. The apartment was silent enough that Casey could hear the television from the apartment next door. She knew the television there turned up when she and Charlie started arguing. Sometimes, she heard the seven o'clock news over their arguments.

She searched the small apartment for her fiancé, but, unable to find him, she opted to curl on the couch and watch television. He had not left her a note stating where he was going or when he would be back, so she just played it safe and stayed. If she left, he would be angry. She knew that much all too well. Some days, it was just easier to quiet the beast before he started to rumble. And, now that she had sleep, that was one of those days. She really did want to go to the drug store and pick up Benadryl, but that just did not seem the likely option that evening.

Her phone rang shortly after eleven and, thinking it was Charlie, Casey grabbed for her phone, never able to answer fast enough to suite him. "Hello?" she queried into the speaker.

"Hey, hon," Charlie said, his voice slurred just enough to make Casey cringe. "What are you up to?"

"Watching T.V. Where are you?"

"I'm on my way home. Guess you can sleep in a bed now, huh?"

Casey chewed her lip. "Yea, I guess. Thanks for letting me sleep all day, too."

"Just don't make it a lazy habit, Casey."

She nodded even though he could not see her. "I won't, baby. When will you be home? I can make you something to eat."

"Ten, fifteen minutes. Cab's jus' pulling up."

Turning on the light to the kitchen, Casey looked around. "Alright. What do you want?"

"Fuck, Casey. I don't know. I don't wanna eat anything. 'Cept maybe you. You finally gonna let me fuck you?"

Casey wrinkled her nose, disgust in the tone of her voice as she answered, "Not if you talk like that. Besides, Charlie, you know I want to wait until our honeymoon." Or after. Or never. She bit her lip knowing she was going to have a very difficult time being with him. Her fear, though, had moved from her not loving him to him hurting her. Alex was always so gentle. She did not know what it meant to be rough, but when Charlie grabbed her thighs to pull her to him, it was different from how Alex grabbed her. With Alex, she would not even call it grabbing. She could not think of the word, but she knew it would have to have a more tender meaning than grab. Grab just seemed so violent and violating.

"You're such a fuckin' princess sometimes, Casey," he grumbled.

"Yea, well, you're the one that proposed," Casey mumbled back, lips pursed and unable to help herself from saying it.

"What? Are you saying you regret it now?" Though he was not yelling, Charlie sounded angry. He slurred less when he was angry and drunk and not just drunk. "Look, we'll talk about this when I get home because you obviously think you have something to say to me, and the least I deserve is for you to say it to my face."

"The least I deserve is to be respected," Casey bit back, "and not talked to like I'm supposed to be your goddamn blow up doll." The line clicked, and Casey set her phone down, wrapping the blanket around herself. She just had the dark, sinking feeling that it was going to be a bad night. Even if Charlie were taking his medications appropriately, alcohol never mixed with him. It left her wondering just how much of a buffer Alex had been in the early stages of Charlie and Casey's relationship because, Casey would swear, Charlie drank more frequently then.

Trembling under the blanket, Casey stared at the television set hoping that if she ignored everything around her, Charlie would not return. The very un-Christian part of her mind found itself desperately wishing the cab would be involved in a car accident and Charlie would have to go to the hospital. Not die or be too badly injured. Just more time between them because she knew that on the ride over to the apartment, Charlie would only be fuming more. He would work himself up into such a state that Casey would not be able to reason with him. She had seen it happen before. Mostly, she could reason with him with very little physical damage, but if he worked himself up too much, then nothing she could say or do would help.

She heard him try the door, and, knowing that it was locked, Casey jumped up from the couch and scrambled to the door to unlock it before he could lay into her. He was the one who demanded that she keep the door locked if she were there and he was not, but she knew he would twist it somehow into her trying to keep him out. He should have had his keys because he locked the door, but that did not mean anything.

Casey opened the door to find Charlie standing before her, angry as she had ever seen him. "You wanna split up, then, huh?" he barked at her. She could smell the beer and whiskey on his breath and stepped back.

"No, Charlie. I don't. I didn't say that."

"Yea, you did," Charlie snapped, slamming the door closed. "Don't lie to me you two bit – who are you leaving me for, then, hum? You got someone else in this fucking city that'll take care of you until you graduate and run back to Mommy and Daddy?" Casey shook her head, hands curled to her chest, clinging to the blanket she still held. "What, then, huh? You're pretty fucking worthless, sleeping all day. Who's going to want you?"

Casey felt like she had been slapped. It did not matter that he had not laid a hand on her, she swore she could feel the sting of a slap. Her heart sank. "I'm not leaving you, Charlie. There's no one else. We're getting married at the end of June, Charlie. The church is reserved, invitations sent out, I mean, Charlie, what more do you want? I'm dedicated to you. For all my faults, I am loyal."

Grabbing her shoulders, Charlie squeezed, pushing Casey down until she collapsed on her knees with a yelp. "Stop. It hurts."

"It's going to do more than hurt in a minute. You're dedicated to me? Fucking, whatever, Casey. Just whatever. We both know that's a lie." His fist tangled painfully in her hair, and he pulled at her scalp, forcing her to look up at him. "You think I'm stupid of something?"

"No," Casey mewled, hands on her head to relieve some of the pressure. "You're incredibly smart, Charlie, but I don't understand what you are getting at."

"You, cheating on me, always sneaking off, disappearing after class, this shit, Casey. It's pissing me off. And, then, before I leave, you're fucking talking in your sleep. 'Don't ever let me go, honey.' 'I love you,'" Charlie's voice pitched, mocking Casey. "It pisses me off, you know. I've been loyal to you. I've waited for you, waited for us. And, the way you repay me is by going off with someone else. Bet you've been fucking him, too, huh?" He slapped her, hard and open palmed. Her hands abandoned her hair and went to her cheek, tears springing to her eyes. "Too good to fuck me, but you can sleep with him."

Shaking her head fiercely, Casey tried to crawl back and free herself from his grip, but even drunk, his anger and his sense of betrayal sobered him up, and his hand stayed firmly grasping the strands of her hair. "No, Charlie. I swear to you, I've never been with a man. Ever." She wriggled her fingers into her hair, pulling down where Charlie was still pulling up. "Charlie, you're the only man I've ever even kissed. Please, you're hurting me."

Charlie grabbed Casey's face in his hand, yanking her face around to look at him. She stared up with terrified eyes. She had not seen him so angry before. The problem was, he was half right, and Casey could not help but to feel utterly responsible for his anger. She was in love with someone else. Not only that, but her entire relationship with that someone had been behind Charlie's back. More than that, she had had sex with Alex. She was holding herself honest on a technicality of words, but in the grand scheme of things, he had every reason to be angry with her.

It seemed, too, that Charlie had thought of something very similar. "Then, maybe Alex's influence has been negative on you. Are you running around with girls, Casey? You're disgusting." He pushed her backwards so that she fell on the ground, tangled in the blanket. Casey was shocked, floored. She had never heard him utter a single remark against homosexuals before, but the idea of Casey with a woman disgusted him.

"Please, Charlie, you've overreacting. This isn't like you. Let me go. We'll go to bed, and in the morning, when you're feeling better, I'll make you breakfast and we can talk. I don't want to leave you. I want to marry you. I know you're good to me."

"And you take that to your advantage," Charlie barked. He was bigger than her, stronger than her, and had more years of brutality than she did.

"I know," Casey whispered quickly. "I know, baby. But, I'll be better. I promise. I'm working hard to get it right, to make you happy." He straddled her, his hand around her neck. She bit her lip, trying to think quickly. "Baby, Charlie, I want to be with you, honey, I do. My mother would kill us both if she ever found out it was before the wedding through." She gave him her best doe eyes, though the effect was ruined by the terror she felt running through her. "I would be, you know. We're getting married. I love you. I'll be with you forever, but what if I get pregnant? It's three months before the wedding. If I get pregnant now, then my mother will know. She'll never forgive me. Or you. It's really important to her, and I don't want to disappoint her. She's my mother."

Charlie's grip around her neck tightened, and she gripped her own hands around his wrists, trying to pull them off. "Won't it be better, anyway," she gasped, "if we wait till our honeymoon? You can teach me everything you like and take the time to teach me how to be a good lover, Charlie." She could feel the black settling in in her peripheral vision, like a tunnel closing in. "Right now, we don't have the time for that. Between class and homework, honey – I just wanna be everything for you. Besides, if I get pregnant, Charlie, we both need a stable income to take care of the baby."

"You wouldn't get pregnant if you were on birth control." He let up on her neck, though kept her pinned to the ground with his body.

Casey shook her head, brow furrowed as she took deep, gasping breaths, her lungs burning. "Charlie, no. I don't want to be on birth control purely for the experience of sex."

"I still think you're messing around behind my back, Casey," Charlie growled.

Struggling to sit up a little, Casey asked, "Why?"

"You disappear on me a lot, Casey. It makes me suspicious. It would make any guy suspicious."

"You mean when I duck out to talk on the phone? Charlie, my parents and Alex are helping make sure everything is put together for the wedding. My parents are taking care of everything church related, and Alex is my Maid of Honor. She's helping me figure out dresses and letting me use her as a sounding board for my vows. I swear, it's nothing illicit, Charlie."

Charlie slapped Casey again, and she whimpered, holding her cheek. "Don't' lie to me. You wouldn't have to run off for that."

"I – I'm sorry, Charlie. I was trying to give you privacy. I know me talking on the phone annoys you sometimes. I was just trying to be good." Unshed tears clung tightly to Casey's eyes as she stared up at him, his hand in a tight fist above her face, poised to strike. With a growl, he sat back from her face a little, punching her stomach hard enough to make Casey taste vomit in the back of her throat.

"Look what you make me go through," Charlie grumbled as he stood up. "I'm sorry I had to hit you to get the truth out of you, but if you just told me the truth from the beginning, we wouldn't have to go through this all the time."

Casey looked up at him as he stood from her position curled on the floor, her hands over her stomach. "What will happen when I am pregnant?" she asked, not moving as he looked down at her quizzically. She knew she might be starting another fight, but she had this sudden urge to know from his lips what he thought he would do. "If I make you mad, Charlie, while I'm pregnant with our baby, what will you do? Will you hit me?"

"Just don't make me mad, Casey. It's really not difficult. I don't understand why you can't just keep me informed and not pick fights. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't care about you." He reached out and stroked her cheek, Casey drawing away from instinct. "Let me help you up. We'll go to bed, and you can stop worrying about this nonsense."

Casey refused his hand, standing up on her own. "It's not nonsense, Charlie. It's important to me. I want to know. What if you get mad while I'm pregnant? Are you going to hit me? Because then, I might lose the baby."

"Then, you just shouldn't make me mad," Charlie barked. "Why do you have to pick this fight, Casey? I wouldn't hit you if you didn't piss me off so much. It's your fault, so just take responsibility for it and stop irritating me. I swear to God, Case, sometimes, you like to get smacked." Charlie flexed his fists. "I'm not having this argument right now. If you really want to keep it up, you can tomorrow. Until then, come to bed."

"Charlie, I've only been up a few hours. I'm not tired. I want to walk down to the gas station, anyway, and buy some Benadryl. Maybe it'll help me sleep while I get used to this whole bed and sleeping with someone else thing."

"It's too late for you to go now. You should have thought about that earlier. I'll give you ten bucks in the morning and you can go over when it's light out."

Casey only nodded her head, looking at the floor, one arm still casually draped over her throbbing stomach, the other down at her side. It was the latter which Charlie reached for, dragging her into the bedroom, though she walked with him. When he was good, he was a fantastic man. When he was this way, though, he was terrifying. And, Casey never knew which Charlie she would see, though if it were the horrid version of himself, then she knew she had done something wrong. Maybe it was not entirely fair, but she believed it. As much as she sometimes did not understand how something was her fault, she knew it must have been.

In their bedroom, Charlie stripped down to his boxers and crawled in bed. "Don't start tonight, Casey," he grumbled. "Under the covers, and I'm sleeping how I'm comfortable. You can put your ridiculous winter pajamas on if you want."

"Alright," Casey whispered picking her folded pajamas from the bed and starting for the bathroom.

"No," Charlie barked. "You can change right here. I want to see your body, make sure you don't have hickies on you."

"Charlie," Casey protested.

"Shut up and do what I tell you to do."

His words were so forced that Casey visibly jumped before quickly stripping out of her clothes, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. She stood before him in her bra and underwear while he inspected her, waving his finger for her to turn around. Without looking, she knew there was a bruise on her stomach.

"I feel like cattle," she murmured.

"Don't sass me. I know you're lying, Casey. I just can't prove it, yet."

"Then why stay with me at all?" Casey asked, her voice low, back turned to Charlie. She removed her bra, covering her chest with one arm as she tried to remove her underwear with one hand. At the wall at the foot of their bed was a vanity set, so she knew Charlie could see her in the mirror. She just tried to keep her head down so that she couldn't see him.

"What?" There was rage somewhere in there.

Casey bit her lip, shaking her head. "Never mind."

"No. What the fuck did you say to me?" She heard him move on the bed behind her, felt him grab her waist, and she screamed as she fell back onto the bed. She felt her feet collide with something as they struggled, but she did not know if her kicks were landing against Charlie or against the wall or the headboard. At one point, she knew they fell off the bed because she landed hard on her back, her breath escaping her, Charlie atop her. She could taste blood in her mouth.

"Get on the bed," Charlie ordered, pointing from somewhere above her. Her head throbbed. She was sure one eye was swollen because it was difficult to see out of. Her back ached. Her stomach ached. And, there was this ache along the insides of her thighs where she realized he had pinned her with his knees.

Like a whipped puppy, Casey crawled onto the bed, hugging her pillow to her as she looked up at Charlie. "That's two, Casey. You're lucky. It should have been three, but I let one slide. My patience is wearing thin, though. Scoot over." She did, realizing that she was still naked as Charlie climbed onto the bed behind her and pulled her against him. His boxers were the only things separating them, and with a sudden wave of nausea, she realized just how much it had meant to her to remain clothed whenever they had laid together on the couch or in the bed.

Crying, she tried to move away from him, but he pulled her back. "Casey," he warned, his breath low. "You're going to have to get used to it." Exhaustion from crying finally wore her out several hours after Charlie had fallen asleep. Her sleep was restless, and she woke every hour or so, startling from her dreams as Charlie moved behind her, sometimes, his hand grazing a bruise here or there, or his fingers dancing too close to her sex or over her chest – whether by accident or design, Casey did not know – for her comfort that even in sleep, she woke, holding her breath until the offending hand moved away and she could lay in silence again, staring into the dark of the room until sleep overtook her, albeit unwillingly.


	34. Chapter 34

**(34)**

Eight months into her career, and Alex was basically in work heaven. It was stressful and busy, but she adored every moment she spent, even the ones she spent arguing battles that she knew she would lose or with defendants she just wanted to smack. The worst were the defense attorneys that she wanted to smack, but, ever a Cabot, she managed to maintain her composure. The best moments were when she felt satiated after a plea or a verdict, though most of them were pleas. At that point, it was just far, far easier to plea out a misdemeanor case than anything. No one liked jury duty on a small fry case, so it made keeping jurors' collective attention that much more difficult which meant, if she lost them after a few hours, a case was usually lost. It was frustrating, but it was good, too. She learned from every case, even the ones that did not go to trial. She learned how to talk and hold herself, where to look and when, how to wake the jury up for something important on the side of prosecution and how to make them dismiss some notion of defense.

In fact, within that first eight months, as she learned and proved what she had learned, it was no surprise to her that there was talk of her filing an open position with the general felony court docket. There were other misdemeanor prosecutors who had been there longer, but word around the office, at least with the big fish, was that few of them were as dedicated as Alexandra Cabot. Then again, a single woman who had acknowledged that the woman she loved was marrying another had very little else to do than to dedicate her spare time to her work. She was practically married to it. She worked late into the night, the days sometimes blending into each other, and there were a few times when she would look up from her little desk lamp and realize it was nearly five in the morning on a Saturday.

Then, she would go home, files in her briefcase, and fall asleep on the couch, circle of files on the floor nearby. That dedication earned her a letter to appear in Jack McCoy's office at the beginning of June, Arthur Branch accompanying. Though the letter did not specify why she was being called to the principal's office, those with whom she had shared the letter all knew.

"Alex, please, sit down," Arthur Branch said as Alex knocked on McCoy's office door. Biting her lip, she stepped in and did as she was told, taking the chair beside the DA elect. McCoy looked at her from across the desk, his fingers steepled just below his chin. "I presume you know why we asked you here?"

"I have ideas, hopes, if you will," Alex said, her voice oddly calm for the nerves flitting through her body. She positively felt as though her insides would burst.

"Oh?" Jack proposed. "What hopes?"

Alex licked her lips. "There's been talk about the open position on the felony docket and realistic candidates as to who would fill it from the misdemeanor docket." Jack nodded but said nothing, so Alex continued, "There seems to be a consensus that I'm one of the lead candidates."

"You seem unsure," Branch observed.

"I don't want to be too cocky. My coworkers are excellent attorneys."

"That, they are," Jack agreed. "Suppose we were to offer you the position, this dedication we've seen from you on the misdemeanor docket, would it continue into felony cases?"

Careful to meet Jack's eyes, Alex nodded. "Yes. It would."

Jack nodded his head, meeting Arthur's eyes. Without saying anything, he picked up a file and handed it over to Alex. "You know Casey Novak?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," Alex said, taking the file. She did not look at it, unsure of what she was meant to do with the item.

Jack nodded. "What do you think of her legal knowledge?"

"She and I attended Harvard together. She's incredibly smart."

"What about her work ethic? Do you think she would fit in well here?"

"Did she apply?"

"Yes," Arthur said. "She used you for a reference."

"I think she would be a good fit. She's a very driven woman, personable, knows the law, and, from my experiences as her mentor at Harvard and with mock trials, she is more than capable of applying the law to a variety of situations."

Casey had briefly told Alex that she had applied to the Office of the District Attorney. She had not gone into much detail, and Alex had not asked figuring that her superiors would ask her about Casey. She just had no idea they would be considering Casey to fill the empty misdemeanor spot left by Alex's own promotion.

"Your uncle wrote a letter of recommendation for her. He uses the terms brilliant and intelligent."

"I would agree that she is both. He would know more than I about her abilities, though."

"I suppose," Jack said. "Thank you, Alex. And, that file has motions hearings at two. Be ready for them."

Alex looked down, flipping the file open to the notes section. It was a robbery case. "So, I'm on the felony docket?"

"Officially? Not yet. You'll continue to handle your misdemeanor cases until we can replace you. Until then, you'll have that case and two others I'll assign to you by the end of business today. If you feel comfortable with them, then we'll make the move permanent."

Alex felt her heart leap into her throat. It took a lot of control not to break out into a grin, but she allowed a ghost of a smile to flicker through. "Thank you, sirs. I appreciate the opportunity."

"Cabot," McCoy said as Alex stood up to leave. She stopped, turning to face him. "Same level of dedication?"

"Yes, sir," she said with a nod.

"Perhaps a little less. You'll kill yourself at this rate."

Not sure what to say in response, Alex bit her lip, clinging to her robbery. "I won't kill myself," she said and ducked out of the office before anyone else could say anything.

"Well?" was the first thing out of McKenzie Hallbright's mouth as Alex made her way back to her office. McKenzie was Alex's secretary along with two of the other prosecutors. Alex would have died were it not for McKenzie's graces while she was still learning the job. The woman knew what she was doing, it was for certain.

"Oh, Mickey," Alex said, using the nickname she had given the woman who was older than Alex by only five years. "Can I take you with me?"

"You got it?" Mickey squealed happily as she jumped at Alex, hugging her.

Alex nodded. "Well, sort of. Mostly. I have three cases as a trial one, one's a robbery, the other two are yet to be determined. While they're hiring to fill my spot, I'll still be on my docket plus these three cases. When they have someone selected, they'll let me know if I'm permanently on the felony docket."

"What happens if you aren't?"

Shrugging, Alex bit her lip, a feather of doubt touching her mind. "I'd like to think they wouldn't hire someone to replace me if they thought I would fail."

McKenzie smiled broadly. "Of course they wouldn't, Ali. You'll be a great fit over there. Now, come on. Everyone else has already gone to your celebration lunch."

Alex laughed. "What would have happened if that hadn't been why I'd been called in to their office?" she asked.

McKenzie shrugged. "I would have had to text them really quick, but we still would have gone out to lunch. Come on, get your purse. Almost everyone is gone." McKenzie darted off, knocking on a couple of doors, peeking her head in, spreading the good news.

Still laughing, Alex followed McKenzie out, two of the other ADAs following behind her. "You know, I wish I could take everyone with me."

"Ah, you won't have time to miss us," Eddie joked, clasping his hand over her shoulder as they reached the street. "You'll be too busy on the other side of the building. Speaking of, Mac says you got your first felony case. What is it?"

"A robbery that I'll be reviewing the moment we get back from lunch," Alex said. "I have motions at two."

"Just continue them," Amber said, waving her hand dismissively. "McCoy will understand."

"I'd like to give it my best shot before I dismiss it," Alex mused. She considered calling Casey but figured that since they were meeting that evening for dress fitting, she would not. Perhaps after motions, when she had a better feel for the depth of the water she had just agreed to dive into, she would call the woman and just let her know about the promotion.

Alex's concern was mostly, however, in regards to Casey's apparent lack of focus since returning to New York. The red head had opted to not be social, declining Alex's invitations out or even just to go to Alex's apartment and catch up. Alex had not heard from Casey much in the months she had been absent from New York following Christmas. She had gone out a couple of times, and while Casey had put her lost weight back on, she was distant and antisocial, deferring almost entirely to Charlie the entire three days Alex had spent.

Casey had refused to allow Alex to kiss her, and when they were getting dressed the first evening to go out – Casey had brought her clothes with her on the bus to Alex's hotel room – Casey had ducked into the bathroom. Alex had asked her if she were hiding bruises. Casey insisted that she was not, but it was clear to Alex that if there was no physical damage to Casey's being, there was a lot of emotional damage. The one time Alex had tried to kiss Casey, the red head had burst into tears claiming that she was dirty and demanding that Alex not kiss her.

It had broken Alex's heart, but the blond attorney did not know what more she could do for her part time lover and full time friend. She tried to get her away from Charlie, tried to offer other options, options that did not necessarily include Alex, but Casey had none of it. She was so occupied over how disappointed her parents would be if she called off the wedding to close to the date or if her father knew she had let things get so bad between her and Charlie. She was afraid of what Charlie might do. Alex did not understand that except to think that Casey might have tried to back away from the relationship and it had gone south for her. Alex just did not know how right she might have been or how south things had gone.

Biting her lip, Alex closed her eyes, sending out a little prayer to Casey, that her friend would find the strength within her as well as use the support system she had to be safe and remain safe. Opening her eyes, she glanced at Amber, Eddie, and Mickey, smiling broadly. "I'm excited to try my hand doing some real good," she purred. If she couldn't do it for Casey, then, dammit, she was going to work hard for everyone else.

"Where are we going?"

"That little café you always go on about. It's your celebration. We figured we'd head someplace you actually like," Amber answered.

Alex was only somewhat focused on lunch with her coworkers. She had drifted off to thinking about Casey, and it was difficult for her to refocus on something else once Casey slipped into her mind. She still managed to get through lunch and the hour following preparing for her motions hearing.

In fact, she did not do too terrible a job on the hearing, arguing the motions submitted by the ADA who had the case before her and arguing against the motions defense submitted. She lost some points, she won some points, but overall, she did not feel like she had done too poorly. She had to credit herself, too, when she walked out, a senior ADA in the back of the courtroom, obviously watching her handle the hearing. The ADA did not say anything which, to Alex, meant that she did not mess things up too poorly.

After work, she headed to the bridal shop to meet Casey for fittings, the wedding in less than three weeks. She arrived almost dead on time to Casey standing on the little raised platform, her dress spanning out from her body in little ripples. She had chosen an elegant but simple dress that was mostly straight but seemed easy to move in. There were no bustles, bunches, or lacey effects, and it really allowed for Casey's natural beauty to shine through.

"Wow," Alex purred as she set her bag down near the platform and walked around Casey. Her red hair was up in a bun. It looked as though she had done it up quickly for the sake of the fitting because Alex imagined that Casey would not wander around with her hair up like that. Not with the purple and green bruise on the back of her neck.

Casey beamed at Alex, her eyes still retaining that shyness and uncertainty, but the smile being genuinely for Alex. "Casey, you look gorgeous."

"You think so?" Casey asked, leaning over to hug Alex tenderly, pulling back quickly. "It's comfortable as far as wedding dresses go. I mean-" She shook her hips a little, and the fabric swayed about her giving the illusion that once she started walking, she would really be floating.

Alex smiled softly. "You always look gorgeous, Case. I just – wow. This dress. You. Wow." Alex made it a point to not mention the bruises on Casey's left wrist or the back of her neck. She thought she could see one that was healing just below her collar bone, but the neck of the dress was too high for her to be absolutely certain. Perhaps later, if Casey would allow Alex to treat her to dinner, Alex would ask, but in the bridal shop, it seemed extremely inappropriate. But then, Alex did not know of an appropriate time to talk about domestic violence, to talk about Charlie hitting her, escalating as he did.

The two had moved into an apartment in the city, Charlie having already found a job with a prominent private civil firm. He was a small nobody in the office, but he apparently was able to pay their combined bills while Casey looked for a job. As far as Alex knew, she was waiting for the District Attorney to call her back to interview because it was, more or less, her dream job. "Casey, you'll never guess. They asked about you at work today. It sounds like McCoy is looking to move fast on filling up the open position in misdemeanor court."

"Really?" Casey said, her eyes lighting up as she moved as the seamstress directed her. "Who was promoted?"

"Oh, that, you'll never guess."

Casey's eyes went wide. "No way. You? Alex, that's great! I'm so happy for you."

"You're telling me," Alex exclaimed, excited and able to act like it now that she was outside of the professional realm. Without thinking about it, Alex kissed Casey, their mouths colliding with a sort of hunger that had been ignored and cornered since December. Casey kissed Alex back with abandon, pulling her close so that Alex's suit wrinkled against her wedding gown.

The seamstress stepped back. "When you two are done, let me know," she said, and Alex had no idea where she went after that. "You sure it's not you two getting married?"

Alex looked sheepishly away from Casey to the woman standing at the computer, entering in Casey's new information. "No. It's not," she murmured, her fingers caressing Casey's cheek.

The red head bowed her head. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, hands folding in front of her.

Brow arched, the older woman regarded them both. "I've seen a lot of people prepare for marriage, young lady," she admonished Casey, "and most of them talk about their husbands to be the same way you two just made out in my shop. I've never, however, seen a bride kiss her Maid of Honor like that. It may not be my wedding, but I think you're marrying the wrong person."

Casey's eyes only watered. "Can we take a break?" Casey asked. "I can come back tomorrow?"

The woman frowned. "Alright, dear. I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, it's alright," Casey mewled, dashing to the dressing room to pull off her dress.

Alex frowned as well, seeing the unshed tears glitter in the light of Casey's eyes. "Casey," she murmured, not sure what to say.

"No, it's okay," Casey assured them both. "I'm hungry. That's all. I'm a bit of a crab when I'm hungry." When Casey reemerged from the changing rooms, she was in jeans and a sweatshirt despite the heated temperatures of the city. Her hair was down again, and she crept over, taking Alex's hand in hers with a great deal of hesitancy. It was finally Alex who secured their combined grip.

"Ali," Casey whispered, "can we go to that dock where we threw rocks and it was, you and I-"

Knowing exactly which dock Casey meant, Alex nodded. "Sure, honey."

Casey leaned against Alex as they walked down the street towards the subway. "How come I always feel so safe next to you?"

Alex brushed Casey's hair from her face. "It's because you trust me to protect you," she answered, her voice just above a whisper. "I know it sounds simple, but it's not. It takes an awful lot to trust, and not an awful lot to break that faith. I'm glad you're letting me touch you. I know that a romantic relationship between us is over. I know you want to be a good wife, Casey. But, I hope our friendship is never over."

Casey chuckled dryly. "Because friends stick their tongues down each other's throats on a regular basis," she mused.

"Well," Alex flushed. "Okay, so that wasn't good of me."

"It's okay. When you kiss me, I feel wanted. I can tell you're happy to see me, to touch me. And, I'm happy to see you. I guess we both have to learn to curb our enthusiasm."

Alex smiled warmly. "That's going to be difficult to do."

Giggling, Casey laced her fingers in Alex's. Without warning, Casey's giggles turned to tears, and she halted, catching Alex somewhat off guard as she stopped as well, pulling the red head against her.

"Honey, what's wrong? Talk to me." Alex held Casey against her, trying to avoid where she thought the red head might be sore based on the bruises she knew were there. Casey seemed able to adjust herself in Alex's arms to not hit on the too tender spots, though, and Alex just let Casey lay against her.

"Hush now, my little one, please don't you cry," Alex whisper sang. "Honey, what's going on?"

"Maybe the pier is a bad place to go. Maybe, can we, can I go to your place?" Casey asked, pushing her tears away. "Please. I, uh, I just need to talk to someone. Please don't judge me or hate me. I just need to tell someone, and then, I think I just need to cry."

"Of course, Casey. Anything you need, honey." Alex guided them to the subway, Casey silent beside her, head bowed, lip firmly between her teeth. She did not pry or say anything in the subway tunnel knowing that Casey might very well want to keep her world private. She had all but shut Alex out completely a handful of times, and the blond knew that could not be good. The only reason she hung on was because she knew that type of behavior was uncharacteristic for the red head. Alex was acknowledging the reality that they would probably never have a normal relationship, but that did not stop her from caring deeply for her friend. She could not abandon someone that she cared for.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this," Casey whispered, laying her head on Alex's shoulder as the train car swayed back and forth along the line.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, stroking her fingers through Casey's hair. The train car was somewhat crowded, but it was not too bad. There was standing room only, and Casey had her face pressed against Alex as they huddled around the pole.

Casey bit her lip, and Alex swore she could feel the woman shudder against her. "Honey, what's going on? Talk to me. You've all but shut down, even from me, and it's scaring me. If you're not alright, let me help you. If you are, tell me."

"I'm not," Casey whispered. "I'm scared. The police came to the apartment yesterday."

"Was Charlie arrested?" Alex asked, trying not to change the pattern in which she was stroking Casey's hair. Instinctively, she wanted to hold Casey to her, to squeeze her tight and promise that she would never let go, but she could not do that. She knew better than to register alarm. It might cause Casey to clam up. At least, that was the more common reaction Casey had when pressured, or when she felt as though she were pressured, about her personal affairs. The little Catholic girl had her fair share of secrets and then some.

"No," Casey said. "I told the officers it was just verbal, promised we'd keep the yelling to a minimum." More than just Casey's voice told Alex that she had lied to the officers. Mostly, it just made sense that Casey would have lied. She was protecting Charlie, yes, but Alex also thought that on some level, Casey was protecting herself. It might not have been that bad if someone was not arrested.

"What really happened?" Alex asked. Casey looked around them, her eyes darting to Alex's. For a moment, she paused, lost in the gray and lavender of the blonde's eyes. Then, she dipped her head, pressing against Alex's body. "Alright, we'll talk about it at home."

Casey nodded. "You're way too fucking devoted," she mumbled. "If I were you, I would have left me a long time ago."

Alex smiled, kissing the pads of two of her fingers and pressing them to Casey's cheek. "Then it's a damn good thing you're not me, isn't it?" she chirped.

"For me," Casey agreed, her fingers lacing in Alex's as she held her friend's hand close to her chest. "Promise me something, Ali?"

"Maybe," Alex said.

"After I'm married, we will still do things together. Don't let me go because I don't want to be swept away."

Squeezing Casey's hand tightly, Alex nodded. "Honey, I'm not going to let you go, but you saying that scares me a lot. Are you worried someone is going to take you away from me?"

"Not from you. I fear I'll lose myself. But, if you still have me, then I'm not really gone, am I?"

"Casey," Alex started, her mouth working as her brain caught up. "You're not thinking about hurting yourself, are you?"

"No," Casey murmured, shaking her head vigorously. "Never. Alex, don't ever think that. I am not so selfish-"

"I forgot," Alex murmured, "you're Catholic."

Casey smiled faintly. "That, I am. Except for when it comes to you. When it comes to you, sometimes, I think I'm anything but."

Alex sucked her lip into her mouth, petting Casey's hair. "Are things that bad with Charlie, Case?"

"I don't know," Casey whispered. "I've lost clarity; I don't even think I had it to begin with. Something about my world with Charlie conflicts with my world with you, and maybe you're not the best person for me to talk to because I know how you're going to see it, and I don't know if I can agree with you, but I know I'm afraid. I know I hurt. And, I know that everything changes when I'm with you. I'm smart, Alex, but I'm confused. My heart, my head, they're in conflict with each other." She shook her head, lowering her voice, though no one else on the train could likely hear them. "I kept saying I knew it would be bad if someone called the police. Well, the police came last night, and they left, all because someone called them. So, it's bad, right? But, if it's my fault the argument started, how can I be angry about that? How can I justify walking away when I'm the problem?"

"Oh, Casey," Alex murmured. "You are conflicted. We'll hash this out over coffee in the kitchen. I won't tell you what to think. You have to make your own conclusions because that's what you'll accept. But, I will always be your sounding board."

"Thanks, Ali. You're always just what I need."


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Okay, kind of disclaimer - don't read if talking about violence does not set well with you. Some of this is personal to me, too, so for this chapter, I kindly ask that if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.**

**(35)**

Casey lay on the couch, Alex perched on the coffee table, holding Casey's hand lightly between her own, like their hands were an ice cream sandwich, and if Alex pressed too hard, the whole thing would melt and fall to pieces. "Todd graduated high school this year," Casey murmured.

"Oh? Good. I'm glad. Does he have plans for college?" Alex asked. Casey was staring vacantly off into space, and Alex was trying to bring her back without startling her.

Casey nodded. "He was accepted into NYU for their early application. You know, Charlie asked him to be his best man?"

"Really?" Alex asked, her brow raised, curious. "I did not know that. Well, that's good. It seems like Charlie gets along well with your family."

"He does. They love him." Casey paused, chewing her lip as she pulled her hand from Alex's and turned onto her side, watching the blond. "Ali, that's what I don't get. I mean, they see him as devoted and loving and great. He's great with Kennedy. She really likes him. And, it's not that he's not those things. But, why don't they see the other stuff? Or am I just overreacting?"

Alex shook her head, holding her hands out in a defeated gesture. "Casey, I don't know what other stuff, honey. You've got to tell me."

Sucking her lip into her mouth, Casey's eyes fell. "It's like he's got one mask for the rest of the world and one mask for me."

Reaching over, Alex stroked Casey's cheek, pushing the tear from her skin. "Honey, I don't think one of those is a mask. What happened?"

"I'm probably just overreacting," Casey mewled.

"Well, tell me anyway."

Casey flushed red before hiding her face in her arms. "God, Ali, even with you, it's so embarrassing." She stopped talking, gathering up her courage. She was more afraid that Alex would tell her that she was overreacting and tell her to stop being such a baby than anything. "E-every night when he gets home from work, Charlie has me change into my pajamas."

Alex sat on the coffee table in the silence as Casey paused again, clearly struggling. When she did not continue on her own, however, Alex prompted with, "And, then?"

Shaking her head, Casey muttered something into her arm.

"Honey, I can't hear you."

Casey lifted her head, eyes squeezed shut. "He makes me strip in front of him and then turn around so that he can see my body."

"Why?" Alex asked as it became clear again that Casey would not go further. She was very careful to keep her voice neutral. What she wanted to do was wrap herself around Casey and protect her, but she knew that might not be what the red haired woman needed at that moment. In fact, she was willing to wager that Casey did not want to be touched. She probably did not want to be seen. Alex had not seen that level of shame on the woman's face ever, and she had been there the first time Casey cussed.

Sitting up, Casey curled into the fetal position, her chin on her knees. "So that he knows I'm not cheating on him while he's away at work. He's under the impression that I'm not a virgin anymore and I fuck random guys behind his back but won't fuck him." Casey pushed the tears from her face. "I mean, I know he's half right. I'm not a virgin. But, I'm not doing anyone random. But, I am cheating on him."

"That doesn't give him the right to make you undress for him. He can break up with you if he wants, call off the wedding, but he cannot force you to undress. What else does he do that makes you uncomfortable or hurts you?"

Casey shrugged. "I don't really want to talk about it, Ali. I mean, I do, but not all of it, okay?"

"Okay, honey. We can just talk about what you want to." Alex shifted over to the couch, Casey leaning automatically against her. Gentle fingers combed through Casey's hair as she waited for the red head to figure out what she was going to stay next. Casey really did seem to be struggling with her words, as though she were conflicted between Charlie finding out and Alex killing Charlie. And, Alex truly thought those would be Casey's major worries in the battle. Alex was not going to judge Casey. But, just in case she needed a reminder, Alex picked up Casey's hand, bringing her palm to her lips and kissing it. "I love you, Casey. Nothing you can say to me will change that."

Sitting up rapidly, Casey curled away from Alex. "I'm sorry. I'm dirty. I shouldn't touch you." The words spilled out of her mouth, Alex not even having the time to interrupt, even if she wanted to. "He bought me new pajamas, says it's for when we're married. They're not really pajamas. I'm pretty sure it's just underwear, Alex. It's like some of the silk stuff you have, had, whatever, when I stayed with you in Cambridge."

Alex's eyes went wide. Casey had always been just too innocent in her mind to wear those kinds of outfits. She imagined her at thirty years old, still wearing the same cotton shirt and shorts that she wore to Alex's apartment. "Do you want to wear that stuff?"

Casey shook her head feverishly. "No. God, please, no. I feel so naked. And, then, when he's just in his boxer shorts, I can feel him against me. Not just his body, Alex. And, he keeps telling me that it's three weeks. He says that if I'm fucking every guy in the neighborhood that'll have me, but I won't fuck him, and it's three weeks before our wedding, and I'm a stupid, lazy whore, and I'm scared, Alex. I wouldn't be if it didn't hurt so much. Sometimes, he grabs my breasts, squeezes them, but it's not like when you touch me, Ali. It hurts. It's like he's trying to see how much pressure I can take until I pop. And, I mean, sometimes, when he won't leave me alone, I'll suck at his fingers like he taught me, but I don't really know what I'm doing. And, I want to be sick the entire time. I don't want to have sex with him, Alex, even after we're married, but I won't be able to stop it after we're married. I'll be his wife."

Alex's brow knit as she tried to follow Casey's rapid speech. "Casey, has he forced you to have sex with him?" she asked.

"No," Casey replied. "No. But, when we're married, we'll be married. It's what you do." Casey coiled tighter into herself. "I don't want to, Alex. It feels disgusting."

Biting her lip, Alex slid from the couch, crouching before her friend, and pet Casey's hair softly, a touch that always seemed to relax both the red head and the blond. "You mean sex feels disgusting?" she asked, careful with her tone. It suddenly occurred to her that Casey might actually still be struggling with her own personal feelings about having had sex with a woman. Coupled with Charlie's attacks on her emotional stamina plus the sexual control he exercised over Casey and Casey's family dynamics, it was entirely possible that Casey had revisited her struggle with her own sexuality. It was something Alex could understand. Her family would not accept her loving a woman or having sex before marriage. Charlie sexually abused her. It could not be easy for Casey, who had struggled with her feelings towards Alex as well as their sexual encounters in the past, to maintain confidence in her decisions if the majority of the people she was surrounded by thought they were improper decisions.

"I don't know," Casey mewled. "I mean, okay. I get where you're going. I don't regret anything we did. I'm very grateful for the love and attention you've shown me. God, Alex, I am. Don't ever for a moment think I regret a single kiss or anything more. Don't you dare. And, I hope that in light of everything, you don't regret anything."

"I never will, Casey," Alex said. "You have taught me so much about what it means to be in love with someone else as opposed to being in love with lust, in love with the chase." Pausing, Alex looked down the length of Casey's body thoughtfully. From how Casey was curled over the armrest, the bruise on the back of her neck was obvious. She had some that seemed to be healing on her arms, though they were healed enough that Alex could not tell if they were from hands or bumping into things. Casey was also wearing two thick, leather, black bands around her wrists as though as bracelets because they were decorated with images of flowers. Alex was sure they were hiding something. "Casey, what do you mean when you say it's disgusting?"

"The thought of having sex with Charlie," Casey whispered, staring off into space.. "I can feel him, his penis, against me when we sleep, and it makes me feel nauseous. It's not that I don't think I could love him, Ali. Or that I don't think I could ever love a man. But, I feel so bad about my body, so disgusted. The way he looks at me when he makes me undress, you would think I was on the auction block. And, I know you told me to put my weight back on, and I have, but he still calls me a fat cow. I'm just confused. I don't understand why he would want to have sex with someone like me. For that matter, why do you?"

Tracing her finger along Casey's jaw, Alex kissed her very lightly on the lips. "Because I love you," Alex replied. "I think you are the most beautiful woman to walk this planet. I don't think you're fat or a cow. You're also far from lazy. You're smart, compassionate, and important to me. I trust you when I'm at my most vulnerable. You've told me in the past that I make you feel safe and wanted, and that same emotion is reciprocated. I feel like I can tell you anything, and you won't hold it against me. I think that Charlie's teaching you the wrong kinds of things about relationships, Casey. It sounds like he's teaching you that a relationship is all about how the relationship is sexualized. He thinks you're cheating on him, so you must be having sex with everyone but him – I mean, Casey, I don't know how much of that is part of the disease and how much of it is him being abusive and manipulative. I really don't. Because you are getting married, he tells you you have to sleep in the same bed as he does now. He doesn't let you wear pajamas that make you feel comfortable – Casey, that's not what a healthy relationship is."

Eyes flicking to Alex, Casey fought the urge to both look away and bite down hard on her lip. "That doesn't seem to have stopped any of it. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Nothing, sweetheart," Alex murmured, crawling onto the couch and wiggling between Casey and the cushions, pulling the woman against her. "You're damn near perfect."

Casey covered Alex's fingers, holding them at her hip. "Don't push down too hard, okay. It hurts."

"Okay, Casey. What happened?" Alex asked, rubbing her thumb leisurely against Casey's hip, trying to keep mental note as to where it hurt her the most based on when she hissed or flinched beneath Alex's cool fingers.

Casey shrugged.

"No," Alex murmured in her ear. "Tell me, sweetheart. I promise I won't be mad at you."

Twisting in Alex's arms, Casey carefully touched Alex's face, her fingers resting just on the woman's lips. She was shaking, and Alex almost said something to try to soothe her, but she knew it would be of no use. It took Casey a couple of tries to get out her words, but after a few gasping attempts, she managed, "I, um, I – Charlie asked me to make dinner and tidy up the apartment while he was at work. I mean, it was simple. I just. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to the smoke alarm. Dinner was ruined, and the kitchen was still a mess. It's my fault, Ali. Really. I shouldn't have been so careless."

Alex frowned. "Your carelessness does not give anyone the right to beat you, Casey. Have you been sleeping well?" Casey shook her head. "So, it's reasonable that you would be tired?"

"Logic doesn't. It doesn't. I don't." Casey sighed, pulling her body to Alex's and burying her face into the other woman's neck. "Please, don't argue, Ali. I can't do arguing. I'm so tired of arguing."

"Let me see," Alex murmured.

Sitting up, Casey chewed her lip and pulled her shirt up, tucking the fabric under her breasts. She stood as Alex's eyes roved her skin. "Casey, he did that?" Casey nodded, gasping as Alex's fingers moved over her stomach. "How long has the hitting been going on?"

Casey shrugged. "Thanksgiving," she murmured, pushing her shirt down and rubbing her arms. "Please don't be mad that I didn't tell you. I'm sorry." Tears clung to the corners of Casey's eyes, and Alex shot up from her position on the couch. Casey flinched, covering her face with her hands in a defensive maneuver.

Freezing, Alex stared at the cowering woman. "Oh, Casey," she murmured. "I'm not mad at you. I'm going to kill him."

Bolting, Casey panicked. "No, Al. You can't. You can't tell Charlie I told you. He'll be furious. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

Alex reached out, moving quickly to grab Casey's wrist. "Whoa. Wait. Don't run off. I won't tell him. Honey, please don't run." Alex let Casey's wrist go as the red head stared at the delicate fingers wrapped around a delicate wrist. "I'm sorry I grabbed you. Hell, I'm sorry that you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me before now about Charlie."

With her arms tucked around her body, Casey shrugged. "Not your fault. If I stopped making him so angry with me, I'd be okay. We'd all be okay."

"Can I be honest with you?" Casey nodded, looking down which told Alex the red haired woman already knew what she was going to say. "Men who do that, who hit when they're angry, will always find a reason to be angry, Case. You could have the perfect meal waiting every day. The house could be spotless. You could have sex with him every time he asked, and it could be the most orgasmic experience he's ever had. And, he would still find something to be angry about. With men like that, the problem is not with the woman they are seeing but with themselves. And, you can't fix that. He's the only one who can fix that."

"But, he's schizophrenic, and I promised him I would help him. He takes his meds for the most part. Some mornings, he refuses. But, Ali, for the most part it's good. It's okay. He brings me flowers and buys me gifts all the time."

"Material gifts don't equate love or affection, Casey. Besides, it's always good except for when it's not. How many more times do you think he's going to leave bruises on you before those bruises become broken bones and sprains? And, how long after that do you think it'll take him to kill you? Not intentionally, Case, but in a fit of anger or rage. Can you tell? Does he know when he's gone too far?"

The threat of tears became much more as Casey curled up in Alex's lap, sobbing. "This is the rest of my life, Alex."

"It doesn't have to be, Casey. You don't have to marry him. Wait for the right person, a man that will make both you and your parents happy." Alex smoothed Casey's shirt down her back, pulling it over the waistband of her jeans. "Look, at least do me a favor. Let me take pictures in case you ever decide to report to the police what happened. That way, there's evidence. And, if you never use them, that's fine, too. But, at least you have them."

Casey wiped her eyes, trembling as she nodded. "What do I do?" she asked, her voice just above a whisper.

"Sit tight on the couch for a minute. I'm gonna go grab my camera and a new roll of film. If you like, I can ask one of the technicians at the crime lab to develop them. I can keep a set at my place away from Charlie. You can take another somewhere else safe if you like."

Nodding, Casey curled up on the couch, her chin on her knees. "Alright," she whispered. "Alex?"

"Yea?" Alex replied, stepping behind the couch to look through the small chest for her camera.

"Why do you love me, especially when there's so much wrong with me?"

Camera in hand, Alex knelt before Casey, her hands very carefully cupping Casey's. "I don't know why I love you, Casey. I do know that I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Can I ask you something?" Casey hesitated, then nodded. "Why do you love me?"

For the first time since Christmas, Alex saw a genuine smile curve across Casey's lips. "I don't know, Ali. I just do. Something in my heart just says to love you, so I do."

Standing, Alex gently tipped Casey's head up, pressing a chaste kiss to Casey's lips. "I guess whatever's in your heart talks to my heart a lot, Casey, because when I love you, I don't have words for it."

"The Great Alexandra is speechless?"

"You make me that way," Alex purred. Casey smiled again, pressing her mouth up to Alex's again, her lips parted just enough that though she did not initiate deepening the kiss, when Alex did, she responded.

Casey broke the kiss for want of oxygen, her fingers remaining entangled in the blonde's soft hair. She kept the attorney close to her, face buried in her hair. The scent was the same as it always was, the faint hints of orange coupled with the smells of city life, and Casey inhaled deeply. She felt safe there, in that moment especially, but whenever she smelled oranges, she felt safe. With Alexandra states away, Casey had taken to eating a lot of oranges just for the lingering smell in the kitchen after she cut them. "Thank you," she murmured. "I mean, for loving me even though I'm broken, and not hesitating to touch me even though Charlie did what he did."

"I'm not following, Casey," Alex said, sitting back. "I know you told me Charlie made you strip. Is that what you mean?"

Shaking her head, Casey withdrew again, as though afraid of Alex withdrawing first. "This is. I didn't. I don't want to talk about it."

Alex nodded. "Alright, Casey. When you do, I'll listen, but there is nothing that would make me not want to hold you. I think that's the funny thing about love. At least, that's what I'm learning about it. Love is an emotion you feel despite something, not because of something. Like, I love you despite the fact that we cannot be together the way I would like. You love me despite the fact that I'm an anger driven Ice Queen." Alex flashed a smile that seemed to spread contagiously to Casey because the red head blushed and glanced at her hands, slight smile playing at her lips, though her eyes seemed to remain distant. "If you want to talk but don't know what to say, Case, just start saying stuff. It'll come out eventually."

"Usually, once we're asleep everything's fine," Case murmured, taking Alex's advice and trying to not think about it. "I mean, I can even slip away and go crash on the couch. I don't think he really is in tune with my cycle because I can usually plead cramps and he'll leave it at that. But, um, I, uh, um." She started struggling, and Alex plucked Casey's hand in her own, holding the backs of Casey's fingers against her steadily thrumming heart.

"No change," Alex whispered. "It's still beating the same way it did moments ago, and I loved you then. So, I must love you now."

The irrationality of that seemed to work. Casey knew that medically, that did not make a difference, but maybe it was the fact that Alex was trying to sell it to her as proof positive that let her believe it. When she continued, it was all in one breath, her tongue tripping as though her words were running together. "I woke up this morning, and he was touching me. I think he was asleep, and I held my breath until I thought I could wiggle away and pretend to roll over in my sleep."

"When you say touching you-" Alex led, forcing her voice neutral against the rising tidal wave of anger ripping through her.

"I mean, never mind, Ali. I, it was an accident. I shouldn't be so – he didn't mean it. He said he didn't even know he had done it, and he apologized."

"Do you believe him?" Alex asked, wondering if that was really where it had ended. Casey pulled away from the woman, curling tight into a ball as she did so. "Something tells me you don't."

Casey shrugged. "I don't know what to believe, Alex. I know how I feel when I'm with you. I know that it's pretty even. I don't have these rushes. But, when I'm with him, everything can be so great one moment and so terrible the next that I don't really understand it. It's like one moment, we could be out having a nice dinner. The next, he's dragging me down the street to catch a cab. But, those are public places, Ali. If it were wrong, wouldn't someone step in and say so? So, I must be over reacting."

"It is wrong," Alex asserted. "I wish I knew why people did not stop him, especially in public places, but someone called the police the other night, Casey. That has to mean something. Someone other than me thought it was wrong, so I can't be that bias in favor of you when strangers are calling."

Turning her head, Casey looked at her friend. She looked instantaneously exhausted, ready to collapse for lack of sleep. Or, maybe she was just overly stimulated that afternoon. Facing reality, in particular, a harsh reality, was not an easily accomplished task. Alex could imagine that taking the small step of talking to her friend had taken a lot out of Casey. But it was a step forward, one among many, and each would be small and painful, and Alex did not know how long it would take Casey to make the next step. Her only worry was that it would take too long. It would be too little, too late.

"Can I take those pictures?" Alex asked, holding up the camera when Casey made no move to say anything.

Casey nodded. "Tell me what to do."

"Stand up. We'll start with a picture of you, then we'll do close ups of the marks. Oh, wait. Hang on." Alex set the camera down, and trotted to the kitchen, grabbing a piece of paper from her briefcase and a pen. She scribbled down the date and time and took a picture of that. "OK. Just stand up against the wall. I'll take a picture of you."

Nodding, Casey pressed herself back into the wall, and Alex clicked the shutter. She watched Casey over the lens of the camera wondering if anyone else saw the defeat in her eyes or if Casey's mask was so good, she hid it. Or did people see and not say anything? It made her wonder at how many women were wandering around New York, stripped of their voices with no one to notice them.

As she looked over Casey's body, clicking pictures of her girlfriend's neck, stomach, wrists, and arms, Alexandra Cabot decided on one thing – one day, she would prosecute Special Victims. She would put away for as long a time as she possibly could wife beaters and rapists. There was just something dark inside of her that wanted to watch them burn. She could not fix the hurt they caused, but, if she played her cards right, she figured she might be able stop someone from doing it again – even if only temporarily.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Aw. So, you are all way too good to me. Thank you for the reviews; they made me feel like I'm accomplishing goals in this story. I know, it's hard to like or have any sympathy for Charlie. I've painted him in a bad light. It does seem very unusual for Casey's parents to be ignoring the drastic changes in their daughter. I think we all would like to think that, if no one else, our parents would notice - or, we, as parents, would notice that in our children. I think there's probably a lot of unexplored family dynamics within the Novak household. I always feel like Casey was not utterly truthful about her childhood being all smiles and sunshine and good when she told Alex it was. I don't necessarily think I'll explore those dynamics, either. No one ever knows the entire story of their partner's past, and, sometimes, that's a good thing.**

**After a couple of darker chapters, here's one I think you'll all like a little more. Steple, this one is all for you as the muse of this ride.**

**Here's to holding on for dear life. ;)**

**DMAA**

**(36)**

"Alright, Kennedy," Alex said, squatting down beside the nine year old. "Turn around, and I'll zip up your pretty dress. You look just like Casey, you know that?" The little girl had flaming, dark red hair just like Casey, too. The attitude matched, though the differences between the little girl and the woman were quite clear as Casey stood before Alex, smoothing her dress over, staring in the mirror, ragged and exhausted. Kennedy's dress was a miniature version of Casey's because Kennedy wanted to be just like her big sister. In some ways, Alex hoped Kennedy was every bit like Casey. In others, she hoped the little girl never had to decide between the paths that Casey had faced.

"I do, huh?" the little girl intoned, looking up at Casey with the open adoration of a child who had never had her heart broken. "I'm glad. I wanna be like Casey when I grow up. I'm gonna be a famous lawyer."

Casey laughed, though the reaction was delayed as she pried her eyes from her reflection. She was not being vain. In fact, she was being quite the opposite. She was almost appalled at the way she looked in the mirror. It was not the dress. It was the dark circles under her eyes and the way the light had gone out of them. It was that her cheeks were sallow; her jaw becoming more prominent as she lost weight that she had struggled to gain back. Everyone played it off as wedding jitters, but she knew better when she looked in the mirror. She knew better when she looked at Alex. Alex, the goddess who was holding her together through it all, the woman who was diplomatic and assertive, who somehow managed to get along with Casey's very conservative family, who blended in like she hadn't had sex with Casey or witnessed anything about Casey which would make her parents angry or distrustful of either woman. Perhaps it was because Alex did not see their relationship as disgraceful it was that she was able to fool them all.

Crouching beside Kennedy, Casey cupped her sister's cheek. "You're gonna be more famous than I am," she said. "I only work for the DA. You want to work for the federal government."

"You do?" Alex asked, eyes popping with shock. "Me, too!" The two high fived and giggled, and Casey smiled at Alex. If Kennedy were not in the room, she would kiss her. Right then, she just needed that touch to get her through.

And, as Alex's eyes met Casey's, it was as though the blonde woman knew everything Casey needed in that moment. "Hey, Ken, why don't you go over to your mom's room and let the hair dresser fix your beautiful curls?" Alex suggested by way of rhetorical questioning. The girl nodded and trotted off, closing the door behind her.

Slowly, Alex stood, careful not to wrinkle her own black and peach dress that were the bride's maids' dresses. Alex was the Maid of Honor. Kennedy was the Flower Girl. Casey's friend Emily from her undergraduate program was one of the bride's maids and her cousin Amanda was the other. Both of the other women had left Alex to talk to Casey as they had their hair fixed in the next room over. Casey had asked for privacy, too, claiming pre-vow nerves.

"Thank you," Casey whispered, stepping closer to Alex, her hand against the woman's cheek as though she were savoring the touch.

"You wanna talk about it?" Alex asked, licking her lips lightly and tasting the lipstick.

Biting her lip, Casey shook her head. "No," she murmured. "You look beautiful."

"So do you," Alex answered, wrapping her finger in one of Casey's curls. "I'm envious."

"Of me?"

"No," Alex murmured, but she did not clarify who. That much was painfully obvious. The last three weeks had been interesting in their dynamic with each other. Every time they had seen each other, there were hugs and kisses if no one else was around, deep, passionate kisses that made Alex moan from sheer sensuality. There were tears as Casey confessed the stress of their wedding was getting to Charlie, and he lashed out at her more and more. Alex still kept a copy of the pictures she had taken in her drawer behind her couch in the apartment. Casey said she had hidden the actual roll of film in the safest place she knew.

There was joy, too. Casey had been called in to interview with the District Attorney and had been hired a few days following. Alex swore Jack McCoy had known going into the interview he wanted to hire her. Everything else had been merely a formality. Unfortunately, it was the same night Casey had been hired that the police responded to the apartment again. The door was unlocked, and officers entered hearing screaming. The way Casey told it, it was no big deal. The way Alex read the dispatch reports, officers had to pull Charlie off of Casey and handcuff him until he settled down. Casey confessed to using her newly acquired badge to get the officers to not file a report. Alex had admonished her on abuse of power and how it might return to bite Casey in the butt one day but told Casey that she would not tell anyone.

Casey smoothed her hands over Alex's stomach, playing with the peach colored fabric at her side. The design was actually entirely elegant, and Alex was surprised as to how the dresses had turned out. They were each a little different, but not so much that it was not obvious there was a theme among the bride's maids. Casey's hand traveled upward along Alex's sides and over her breast; the blonde gasping on instinct. Very carefully, Casey pulled her dress down just enough that she was able to press a kiss onto Alex's breast, the fabric covering the stain of lipstick against her. "Our affair won't stop, will it?" Casey whispered.

"I suspect it will have to one of these days, Casey," Alex mused, "but I will be here until you say stop."

"That easy?" Casey asked looking hurt.

"Oh, honey, you'll break my heart the day you tell me you're done with me. You'll absolutely shatter me." Alex combed her fingers through Casey's hair and over her cheek to her chin. Holding Casey's chin between her thumb and her finger, she kissed her gently. "But, I'm not worried about my heart. I'm worried about yours."

"You're too good for me," Casey murmured, kissing Alex again.

Casey shook her head. "You know what I don't understand, Ali?" she asked.

"What's that?" Alex replied, holding Casey to her, cradling her body against her even as they stood.

"How I got here. How we got here. I had so many dreams and ambitions, and I feel like they've all been slaughtered. I feel like running away. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm barely surviving. And, I don't understand it. I'm the girl who got into Harvard despite not coming from a wealthy background. I got a one seventy eight on my LSAT for shit's sake. I'm the girl who graduated high school with a four point oh and college in the top ten percent. I was the quiet one. Nothing bad happened to me. Nothing adventurous. Nothing scary."

Alex nodded, pressing her lips together. "Then, you met me," she said as it occurred to her, not for the first time, that she carried a lot of weight on her shoulders for Casey's situation. She had introduced Charlie and Casey. She had encouraged Casey to leave her comfort zone.

Casey shook her head. "No. No. Meeting you has been the best adventure of my life. It's been scary because it's changed the way I feel about myself, but so good, too. You make me a better person. It wasn't even meeting Charlie. These are his choices, Ali. I promised him I would try to help him get better, to take his medicine. I think once the wedding is over, it'll be easier. He'll be getting a lot of what he wants. I can manage it then. But, where did my dreams go in all of this? That's what I'm confused about." Sighing, Casey shook her head, burying her face into Alex's neck.

"Baby girl, I don't understand what you mean. You still have your dreams. You work for the DA. You're on the fast track to white collar crime. Adam loves your passion for white collar. He remembers you from being an intern before law school, Casey. You're set up to go right down that route. You're going to be the best you you can possibly be, even if Charlie stands in your way."

Casey bit at Alex's neck. "No," she argued. "No. My dreams are with you. You've been safe guarding them for me these past two years. You've been holding them tight and holding me tight and holding us together. Without you, they would be gone. Charlie wants to have kids ASAP, and when I get pregnant, Alex, he's already said he wants me to quit and be a stay at home mom so that our kids don't have to go to daycare. If it weren't for you, I would have readily agreed."

"I think that power is in you, Casey. I may embody it, but the power exists in you. I have faith in you, my hot shot. I do." Alex kissed Casey lightly, a knock on the door sending both of them apart, Alex collapsing gracefully in a chair while Casey made a show of her lipstick in her reflection in the mirror.

"Oh, my Casey," Casey's mother cooed as she looked over her daughter. "Look at you, all nerves about your big day. Honey, everything's going to be just fine. I was so nervous on my wedding day I threw up." Mary fussed over the back of Casey's dress, straightening out the wrinkles. She tucked Casey's curls in tighter to her head.

Alex knew as she sat in the chair and watched that Casey was not comfortable with her mother touching her. She saw Casey flinch as her mother's hand trailed over her back, catching the bruise right above her hip, a bruise Alex had studiously avoided touching. But, Mary did not know about her daughter's bruises, though Alex could not understand how she did not. Alex saw Casey less frequently than Mary or Ryan, and she knew every time Casey had a fight with her soon to be husband. She could see it in Casey's eyes, and she did not understand how the people who had raised Casey from birth did not see the same horror that Alex witnessed. There was no way that Casey's masks were that good.

"Let me go get your father. We'll be meeting in the grand hall in twenty minutes, Casey. Your cue will be the start of the wedding march. Alex, be a dear and make sure Casey doesn't pass out from nerves. We couldn't have her late on her own wedding day." Mary giggled.

Alex smiled. "Of course, Mrs. Novak." Mary was more nervous than Casey was about the wedding. Casey, Alex knew, was nervous about the outcome. Despite all the prayer in the world that Charlie would ease up on her once she was his and his alone, Alex knew that it was not likely the case. More likely, she imagined, he would become harsher with her, stricter. Because, after the wedding, Casey's family would encourage couples counseling and treatment, telling Casey that she had made her bed. They would be just as disappointed if she divorced Charlie as they would be if she told them she was bisexual and had had not only sex but premarital sex with Alex.

"You're a good influence on my daughter, Alex. Thank you."

Offering a nod of diplomacy, Alex continued to smile until Mrs. Novak had left the room, the door closed tightly behind her. "Your mom has no idea," Alex whispered, earning herself a grin and, eventually, a crack of laughter from Casey.

"Oh, God. If only she did. She would never allow us in the same room together without supervision. Assuming she still talked to me," Casey said, tears collecting in her eyes.

"What's going through your head?" Alex asked.

"Am I really going to do this?" Casey asked, chewing at the inside of her cheek. "I mean, Alex, am I really going to resign myself to one destiny when I know I'm smart enough for more?"

"Smart enough, beautiful enough, charismatic enough," Alex said, tipping her head. "Casey, I say what I say because I believe it. Not because I'm trying to make your decisions difficult. I really do think you are better than him, more deserving of a man who will treat you kindly than any woman I know. And, no woman, no matter what, deserves to be treated the way Charlie treats you."

"My dad says he'll get over it."

Alex sat up straight. "Your parents know?"

Casey shook her head. "Not exactly."

"What do you mean, then? You're being vague."

Casey shrugged. "I told my dad it was an accident. He seemed happier to believe that. I told him once about the name calling, and he said I was over reacting, that Charlie was a great guy but that no man is perfect and I should not expect that."

"You've never really been close to them."

Shrugging once more, Casey looked at the corner of the mirror. "Not close like you are with your parents. I thought I was close, but seeing you with them and, then, even just how they make me feel when I'm around them, no. I guess I'm not close. I was only too eager to race away."

"And now?"

"I'm confining myself again," Casey whispered. "As an adult, I took opportunity. I ran with it. I wound up here. It's destiny, Alex. I'm not going to argue with it. Maybe I'm meant to do everything I can to help Charlie. Maybe that's the end game of it all, dismissing my selfish need for happiness in order to help someone else. My choices lead me to this path, Ali. I guess I should stop complaining."

Standing, Alex stepped between Casey and the mirror, staring into the woman's eyes. "I don't believe in destiny, Casey," she murmured, tracing her fingers along Casey's jaw. "I think we make our own. And, it's so sweet of you to want to help Charlie, but you don't have to marry him to help him. If you want to, that's fine. I support that. I support everything about the choices you make as long as it's you making them, Casey, and not some deeply driven need to please your parents."

"Alex," Casey mused, "why didn't you yell at Charlie last night? It was just the three of us. I was so afraid you would lay into him."

"As much as I want to, Casey," Alex said, "I respect you. I respect your wishes, and if you think it's going to be more hurtful for you in the long run if I chew through him the way I want to, then I'm going to bite my tongue. As long as you swear you'll come to me if you need a night away or call me if you need picking up, Casey, I'll bite my tongue. I want you to be safe and happy, but if you're going to do this, then I want you to have a sanctuary."

"Your apartment," Casey murmured.

Shaking her head, Alex held Casey's hand over her heart. "Me."

Leaning forward, Casey pressed her lips into Alex's, her tongue tracing the blonde's lips, tasting the lipstick, but beneath that, the taste of Alex. The attorney's lips parted just slightly, as though she was not certain that it was what Casey wanted, and Casey pressed her tongue into the opening, drawing Alex against her, tears clinging to her eye lashes. "You're my sanctuary," she whispered, pressing her forehead against Alex's. "From him. From them. From this holy ground. You're my sanctuary from it all, Alex."

Closing her eyes, Casey stepped back. "But, you know, you don't have to be miserable because of me."

"I'm not miserable," Alex answered.

"But this is not fair to you."

"I made the choice to be there for you, Casey. I made the choice to love you and give you my heart. I knew the consequences when we started. I've known them all along. I'm not making uneducated decisions. This may not be what I want, but in lieu of that, this is what I am happy to accept.

"Everything we do is a compilation of everything we've done. Maybe we don't intend on it; life just happens, and everything we do to life and everything it does to us shapes us, changes us, pushes and pulls and tests. Our futures are limited only by our pasts but that, by no means, does not mean that we should not try for the path we don't think is an option because sometimes, it's the path we don't see that's the one right in front of us."

Alex reached forward and wiped the stray lip stick from Casey's mouth.

"You're perfect, Casey. In every way I can think of, you're perfect, and maybe that's not true for everyone out there, but it's true for me. You look so beautiful in that dress, Casey. And, I'm happy for you so long as it is what you want even though a great part of me wishes you were in that dress for me." Alex smiled softly, as though not sure whether or not to be embarrassed.

Closing her eyes, Casey slowly exhaled, her lips meeting Alex's with the barest of touches. "It could be, Ali," she whispered, their lips still touching. "I've been looking for you to validate an excuse that isn't there. Truth is, I can't do this. I can't marry a man who is going to beat me, who might kill me as I sleep. I cannot, in good conscience, bring children into this world and fear their father may, in a bout of paranoia, try to take them out of it. My chest hurts and my stomach is tight just thinking about it. I can't marry a man I don't love when there's a woman out there I do."

Alex wrapped her hand around the back of Casey's neck, tenderly pulling her towards her until their bodies pressed against each other, so tight it was as though they had been chiseled from the same block. Without either of them thinking, Casey found herself pressed up against the wall as she clawed at Alex's dress in an effort to melt their bodies together. "If it doesn't make you happy, Casey," Alex whispered, "then don't do it."

"You," Casey panted. "You make me happy. I want to see where this goes. And, maybe it winds up with wedding bells. Maybe heart ache, but, Alex, I want the chance to find out. A real chance. Not a hiding behind the façade of Catholic perfection chance because, clearly, I'm not cut out for that. I'm not meant to be. I'm too selfish, and I think I'll be failing in my faith if I pretend to be otherwise."

"I want that chance, too," Alex mused, rubbing her cheek against Casey's before nibbling at her ear.

"I need out," Casey whispered. "If I don't leave, I won't. I don't want to stay, but I don't have the strength to go."

Alex nodded, pulling away from Casey, directing her to wear her clothes were folded in a duffel bag. "Get out of that dress, put real clothes on. Let's go. You can apologize later, when you've had time to regroup."

Nodding, Casey stripped, glad she had chosen the slender, easy to operate dress over the puffy, marshmallow dresses some women wore. She tugged her jeans and tank top back on, hanging the dress with care on the stand. Alex changed even more quickly, back into a pair of denim shorts and a hoodie, her hair still done in the fancy manner the hairstylist had accomplished. Casey felt bad for all the money put into the wedding, but she had realized somewhere along the way that all the money could be replaced, even if she had to pay her parents back for it. "Wait, Ali, let me leave my parents a note. Otherwise, they'll call the police."

Alex nodded, waiting as Casey scribbled out a note. "You wrote them a novel, honey," Alex whispered when Casey was done, the red head shoving the pages into the frame of the mirror so they would be noticed rapidly upon entry to the room. "You ready?"

"Yea," Casey murmured, tears in her eyes. She did not know whether she was crying because she finally had the courage to stick up for herself and go forth, chasing after her own ambitions, or if she was crying because she knew it might be the last time she saw her parents, that they might well and truly disown her. In truth, she suspected that it was both. More, she cried because she knew that on some level, she was letting Kennedy down, the child who wanted to be just like Casey. But then, if their parents ever told Kennedy why Casey left, maybe it wouldn't be such a letdown.

Reaching out, Alex took Casey's hand in hers, and they ducked out of the room, down the hall of the church, and through the back door just in time to hear the wedding march begin. Casey was crying as they reached Alex's car. "Let me drive," she requested.

Alex nodded and tossed Casey the keys, no questions asked. Sometimes, tearing down the highway at a hundred miles an hour was all the therapy that was needed. Sometimes, that was what removed the wall and let the tears flow out and the healing begin. Casey was in for a long, hard road of healing from the abuse and her own sense of personal betrayal. If that meant relinquishing the keys and Alex talking Casey's way out of a speeding ticket more times than one, then so be it. Alex was only happy to do it so long as Casey could find a reason to smile.

_Dear Mama and Daddy,_

_I'm sorry I left with only a note behind, but I'm afraid to tell you this to your face._

_I cannot marry Charlie. He hits me when he's angry and calls me names. I deserve better. My children deserve better. I thought I could fix him, but I cannot, and it is not my responsibility. I don't love him. Not like that. I wish I did because it would make you happy, but I am far from the perfect daughter. You should be able to take the word of your daughter, but if you feel you need proof, there is a roll of film in the dresser drawer in Kennedy's room. Ask her where. She'll give it to you. I took pictures in case I ever needed a restraining order. I still have bruises on my stomach._

_I guess I knew I didn't want to marry Charlie from the start. I don't know why I said yes. Not when there's someone out there who has always treated me the way you raised me to believe a lady ought to be treated. There's someone out there who makes me smile with every word, spoils me, loves me, and would never say something bad to me, even if we argued. I am going out there, after that, and I hope it makes you smile that I'm going after someone who truly cares for me because the next thing I have to say will make you very angry._

_Mom, Dad, she's Alex._

_And, yes, I guess that makes me a lesbian, but Alex has been the best thing to happen to me since I became an adult. I love her, and she loves me, and it's not some sinful phase. I hope one day you can accept that, but if not, then maybe it's time I say thank you for everything you did for me until this point, but here is where I forge my own path. I would love for you to be a part of my life, but I understand if you choose not to._

_You know my phone number and email address. I hope you stay in contact. I love you. Daddy, you were my first love, teaching me what I need in someone else, and Alex is everything and more. If she were a man, I know you would approve. Mommy, Alex loves me the same way the Good Book says to love others. She loves me without judgment, and I'll never find that anywhere else. You told me once that if I found that, to cling to it. Well, here's to holding on for dear life._

_I hope you can find it within you to forgive me. I know God has. He just wants what any parent would - His children to be happy. And, with her, I am._

_Love Always,_

_Your daughter _

_Casey Anne Novak_


	37. Chapter 37

**(37)**

There was and there was not a certain degree of surprise as Casey pulled the car into the parking lot by the dock behind Battery Park. She fled the car before she even turned it off, leaving Alex to lean over the center console and switch over the engine. Pocketing the keys, Alex climbed out of the car, following Casey onto the dock where the red haired woman, her hair still done up in curls and bobby pins and make up too formal for the jean capris she was wearing, was hunched over, staring into the dirty water. A small boat was moored nearby, and it bobbed in time with the waves, marring Casey's reflection further as she stared at her murky self, her tones washed out by the general dirt of the city. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the edge of the pier so tightly that Alex feared she would cut herself.

"Honey," Alex said, approaching Casey cautiously. "Talk to me."

Shaking, Casey continued to stare at the water, no longer seeing even that much as she panted, her racing heart thudding so loud in her ears that even Alex seemed so far away. "What have I done?" she whispered. "Oh, God, forgive me. What did I do? They're going to be so mad. So mad. And Kennedy. Oh, God, Kennedy."

Alex hung back, wrapping her arms around herself as she rocked from the balls of her feet to her heels. She knew it had taken a large chunk of courage for Casey to leave her wedding. Of course, she had no idea what Casey had written in her quick letter to her parents, but she knew what the gist of it had to be. And, in knowing so much, she did not know whether or not it would be wise to touch her or if it would take just that to break her to pieces.

"They'll never talk to me again, Alex," Casey said, and the blond princess stepped nearer, crouching beside Casey, one hand out, though still not touching the ruby haired woman. "No one except Stephy. I've ousted myself from everything and everyone."

"Not everyone," Alex whispered. "You still have me."

Casey looked up at Alex, pushing the tears out of her eyes. Suddenly, she leaped at Alex, throwing her arms around the attorney's neck and holding her close. "Thank you. Thank God you're here. Thank God I met you first."

For several minutes, Alex held her sobbing friend, rocking her slowly, the sounds of the city and the sounds of water colliding around them. Once Casey quieted, her heart slowing to a normal rhythm, Alex tipped her head up to her, pushing away tears. "Do you have any idea how special you are, Casey?" she murmured, kissing the tip of the woman's nose. "I couldn't think of anyone else on this planet I would rather spend time with, no matter how I'm spending the time. Thank you for meeting me. Thank you for being here now."

"I couldn't," Casey mewled. "I couldn't marry him."

"I know," Alex whispered, planting another kiss on Casey's temple. "Let's go over to my parents' and you can rest. Maybe it's time to talk to Steph, too."

"She doesn't know about us," Casey said. "Not really. I think she thinks I like you, but she doesn't really know for sure. At least, I don't think I've said anything. We talk so rarely."

Alex nodded. "But, maybe she can help you deal with what's going on right now with the rest of your family. She was ostracized, too."

"I know," Casey murmured. "I'm just not – it's one thing that the woman I'm sleeping with knows that I love her. I've disappointed my entire family today, Ali. What if I wind up disappointing her, too?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, shifting Casey against her side, the red head curling up against her.

"I mean, can I talk to her tomorrow? I feel like I've taken a suicidal leap out of the proverbial closet already today. I know she won't be disappointed in my choice of woman, but," Casey shrugged. "I really just don't know if I can call up my sister and tell her 'hey, guess what, Steph? You and me have a lot more in common than you thought.'"

"Fair enough, Casey. I won't ask you to." Pressing her lips to Casey's cheek, Alex hugged the woman to her.

Casey trembled minutely under Alex's arms. "Ali?"

"Yea, hon?"

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

Alex laughed, pulling Casey even tighter against her, the red haired woman happily climbing into Alex's lap, offering her best innocent look. "Of course. I don't expect you to stay anywhere else tonight, sweetie."

Casey huddled against Alex for several more minutes, the blond picking out bobby pins, laying them to rest in Casey's open hand. There was so much product in Casey's hair that removing the pins did not seem to make much of a difference. Alex tried to comb Casey's hair out with her fingers, but it did little good, either. "You know what, let me call and make sure my parents are home, but they have an amazing Jacuzzi bath that will make you feel better and get some of this sticky mess out of your hair. Will you let me run you a bath in a nicer tub than the one at my apartment?"

Pressing her lips together, the red head hesitated for only a moment before nodding her head. "Thank you, Ali."

"Don't thank me yet. Let me make sure my parents don't mind. Sometimes, they have social things going on, and I always forget when they are." Alex pulled out her phone and dialed her parents' house number, Casey still pressed against her like she might fall off the face of the earth if she were to let go.

"Momma?" Alex said when her mother picked up.

"Alexandra," the woman exclaimed, clearly happy to hear from her daughter that she was loud enough that Casey could hear her, though her own ear was almost as close to the ear piece as Alex's. "How are you?"

"Um, I'm all right, Mom. Hey, Mom, I have a huge favor to ask. It's about Casey."

There was a momentary silence on the other end. "Uh oh. Alex, is she okay? That fiancé of hers didn't do anything, did he?"

"Physically? She's safe now. Emotionally, she's a bit of a wreck. Momma, it's a long story, but she didn't get married today as planned. Can I bring her by for some TLC?"

"Oh, Al, absolutely. Do you have your car or does Dad need to pick you two up?"

"I have the car. Thanks, Momma. I really appreciate it. We'll be there in about thirty minutes."

"I'll prepare some tea. What flavor does she like, again?"

Alex told her how Casey liked her tea prepared. Casey was familiar with Alex making tea for her and doing it right every time, but it still kind of amazed her that the blond was so attentive to her needs and her desires. As Alex hung up with her mother, Casey quickly pecked Alex's cheek. "What?"

"Thank you for caring about me the way you do," Casey whispered, her eyes watering again. "Christ, I don't think I've ever cried this much."

"It's been an eventful day. Let me take you to my parents', get you some tea and a bath at the very least. If you'll let them, get you some support. Casey, my parents adore you. So do Sam and Danae."

Casey smiled. "I've only met Sam and Danae once, Al. How do they love me?"

"They know good people when they meet them. My point is that you have whatever support you need from them whenever you need it, okay?"

Nodding, Casey kissed Alex's lips softly. "Thank you, Alex. I mean it."

Alex offered a small smile, her eyes going distant for a moment. She pulled Casey to stand with her and raked her fingers through her hair. She had taken on a new habit of her lower lip slipping into her mouth with regularity. In private, she could be the warm, flexible Alexandra that Casey knew, but in public, she had changed. She could not afford to be vulnerable, and she knew it. She did not even like exposing that side of her in public places, and it occurred to her that there was a man standing at the end of the pier, watching them, and she was suddenly very uncomfortable.

While she had no problem with the spotlight on her, she did not like not knowing who was watching her, and she had only seen the man as she stood up. Casey was still staring off over the dirty water. It was Alex whose attentions had been drawn over her shoulder.

"What?" Casey asked, turning to look where Alex had fixed her gaze. The man wore a cheap suit and looked like he had not slept in a couple of days. "Who's that?"

"He's a cop," Alex answered, taking Casey's hand and walking with her to the head of the pier. When they were close enough, she addressed the officer. "Can we help you?"

"My name's Detective Williams, NYPD." He pointed into the parking lot where a tall, skinny man in an equally cheap suit, mismatched belt, and shined shoes was standing, talking to a man with a dog. Beyond them, the two women saw a squad car in the park, lights whirling, bouncing off trees.

"I guess we were in our own little world. How can we help?"

"How long have you two been in the park today?" the man asked.

Alex glanced at her watch. "Maybe an hour or two. What happened?"

"We're investigating an assault that occurred late last night."

Shaking her head, Alex looked to Casey who looked equally befuddled. "We don't know," Casey said. "Neither of us was here last night."

"You look familiar," the detective said of Alex, as his eyes darted over her face as though trying to place her.

"Sure. You're on one of my cases."

"Beg pardon?" the man said, looking shocked on top of tired.

"I'm an ADA. I inherited a few cases from my predecessor. You're on one of them. The Henderson matter, I think."

"You're ADA Cabot?" he said. "Well, good to meet you, I guess."

"ADA Casey Novak," Alex introduced of the red head. "Sorry we couldn't be of more assistance to you."

"Thanks anyway, though."

"Yea," Casey murmured, tugging gently at Alex's hand. "If you don't mind, though, Detective."

Alex nodded. "We've gotta get going. Here." Alex pulled her wallet from her back pocket. If she were wearing a skirt, it went in her purse, but otherwise, she did like to have it close, and being that she had left the church in jeans with Casey, she had tucked the small green and blue wallet into her pocket. "My card. If you need anything, let me know."

"Thanks."

The two women hurried back to the car and climbed in. Casey hugged herself as Alex drove out of the parking lot and away from Battery Park. "An assault, huh?"

"Probably a sexual assault. Detective Williams works in SVU. The tall, skinny guy is John Munch or Minch, something like that. He was in my office last week wanting to know if the new ADA was going to take the case seriously."

"You have a rape case?"

"No. The Henderson matter is an elder abuse case. NYPD Special Victims handles that, too, but it goes on the general docket in felony at the DA's office."

"Oh," Casey murmured. She snickered. "What did you tell him?"

Alex shrugged. "To get out of my office until he could talk to me like I was an intelligent human being."

Casey laughed. "You would. What happened?"

"He left. I haven't heard from him since." Alex shrugged. "Maybe he can't talk to me like I'm intelligent, but Williams seems more down to earth. Fortunately, I think the DA's going to transfer the elder abuse cases to the SVU docket on our side of things, too, so that the detectives are dealing with the same sets of ADAs. It's too complicated for them, I guess, otherwise."

Casey chuckled. "Now who doesn't think someone's an intelligent human being?"

"I'm not saying cops aren't intelligent. They know enough to keep us in business." Alex smirked. "No, I admire police officers, but you have to admit, there has to be a certain lack of intelligence to willingly put themselves in harm's way."

"Or a certain amount of bravery to risk their lives for ours," Casey countered.

"Courage is but the fear of running away," Alex said.

Casey laughed. "Then you're the most fearful person I know." Playing with the fabric of her seatbelt, Casey sighed. "I thought you said you'd be a cop if lawyering didn't work out for you."

"I never said I was intelligent. Only that I expected to be treated under the assumption that I was intelligent. Besides, I was joking. I'd make a horrible cop. Are you kidding?"

"Well, you're a better lawyer than me, so I hope it works out for you because if it doesn't, there's no hope for me."

"Nonsense," Alex retorted. "There'd still be hope for you. You would be a great victim advocate."

"Me? More your alley, don't you think?"

"Ew. No. If I can't prosecute them, I'll shoot them. Thanks, though."

"You don't even like guns."

"Good point. I knew I picked lawyering for a good cause."

Casey rolled her eyes. "I'll teach you to shoot."

"You can shoot a gun?"

"And take most models apart and put them back together with a blind fold on in under a minute."

"Jesus. Okay, you're scary."

"Military family, Ali. I can't believe you didn't know this."

Alex sighed, stopping behind the mess of traffic. "Casey, you don't talk to me too much about your life before Harvard. I get snippets, but not a lot."

"I qualified as a sharpshooter. I competed as a kid."

Alex nodded. "Remind me not to piss you off." She inched forward with the car. "What other talents do you have that I am sorely not aware of?"

Flushing, Casey looked down. "I don't have many."

"No. You do. I know you can play softball. I was wrong to think innocent in the world meant that you didn't know how to defend yourself. You can clearly defend yourself better than I can, probably better than anyone I know can."

"Only with a firearm," Casey mumbled. "And, to be honest, I'm not actually an advocate of violence." She rubbed her wrists as though uncomfortable.

"About that. Would you do me a favor?"

"Maybe. What?" Casey asked, tilting her head.

Alex accelerated through the yellow light, fed up of waiting in traffic and utterly without the patience to wait at the red. "Start keeping your bat in your office. I'm a little worried."

"About Charlie." It was a statement. Alex was not the only woman with concerns.

"Well," Alex said, her words slow as though she were choosing them carefully, "he has been known to physically harm you. With this, I would not put it past him to show up at the office, Casey. I want you to be able to defend yourself against him. I don't want to find you dead in your office."

Casey nodded. "If it makes you feel safer, Ali, I'll keep it in my office."

"Will you use it for self-defense?" Alex asked. "Because, if you won't, then don't because it'll just give him a weapon to use against you."

"Yea, I'll use it. I doubt he'll go to the office, Al. I've humiliated him publicly, and he's going to blame you just as much as he'll blame me. He won't go anywhere you might be. He hated that I worked in the same office. He thought you would put ideas in my head."

"About leaving?"

"Yea." Casey shrugged, flushing and looking away.

Alex shrugged. "Well, oops. Looks like I did," she said with a soft smile as she dropped her hand from the steering wheel, covering Casey's on her leg. "Guess he knew my evil genius plan all along, didn't he?"

With a smile of her own, Casey wiggled her fingers between Alex's. "So, us," she started, trailing off and looking sheepishly to Alex.

"We're where you need us to be, Casey. You just let me know, and, honey, you don't have to let me know tonight. Or tomorrow. Whenever you're ready."

Curling her fingers over Alex's hand, Casey squeezed. "Thanks, Ali. I mean, I want to try this with just you, out and everything. Well, maybe not out at work just yet. But, right now, I just feel so raw and exposed. Everything right now feels like I'm touching exposed nerve endings, and it stings. I don't want to think of us that way."

"That's fair, Case," Alex said. "And, hot shot, I don't want you to think about our relationship that way, whatever our relationship might be. Give it a day or so, calm down, get some stress relief going on, and we can sit down and figure out what makes you comfortable, okay?"

Casey nodded. "Thanks, Alex."

"Well, duh," Alex chuckled. "I've already told you, I love you. I don't, that's not going to change just because I'm not your mistress anymore."

Laughing shyly, Casey said, "Really? You were my mistress?"

"By all technicalities, yes," Alex answered, chuckling.

Shaking her head, the red haired woman brought Alex's fingers to her lips, brushing them over the soft, red velvet. "Funny. I always figured it would be more likely that you would have a mistress than I would."

"Well, maybe before I met you. You kind of changed that for me," Alex said, releasing Casey's hand to lightly scan the pads of her fingers over Casey's lips, cheek, and ear, tucking her hair on her way down Casey's neck to that soft spot just to the left of her spine. Casey groaned. "I'm a one woman woman now."

"Me, too," Casey said with a mild moan as Alex's fingers worked their way over Casey's shoulders and the muscle down her back, working out some of the tension in the muscles there. "That's not fair, Ali. That feels so good."

Alex rested her hand on Casey's shoulder, earning herself a groan from the woman. "What?"

"I didn't mean stop," she mewled.

"I'll call Leslie and see if she has any openings tomorrow. If you'll let her, she'll do a massage on you. Don't worry about being worried or flinchy, either, Casey. She's worked on me for years. She remembers me flinching after Adam." Alex dutifully began working at Casey's soft skin once again as she pulled off the main road and onto some back roads leading out of Manhattan and into Queens.

Casey raised a puzzled brow at Alex. "I thought your parents had a Manhattan apartment?" she asked.

"They do. The house in Queens is where I grew up. They got the apartment to entertain business guests, but they were staying there the night we had dinner with them because the house was being repainted."

"Oh," Casey said, shaking her head. "I don't understand what you would do with so much money."

Alex shrugged. "You'd figure out something," she mused. "I'm sure it would something elegant and humanitarian."

"I'd like to think so," Casey said, a smile spreading slowly over her features as she dreamed about things she would do with what seemed like an infinite amount of money.

Pulling into her parents' drive, Alex turned off the car and hurried around to Casey's side of the car, opening the door for her before the red head had the opportunity to do so herself. "Thanks, Ali," Casey said, flushing a little as she stepped out of the convertible, taking the blonde's hand.

"Why are you suddenly so nervous, Case? They're my parents. They won't bite."

Casey nodded. "I know," she said. "But, this whole situation is foreign to me, and I don't really know how to address it myself. I don't know how to be or think or feel, and I have no idea what to do or say around your parents, Ali. I, you're you. I trust that about you. But a large part of me still wants to be sick about what I did today. I want to curl up in a hole and vanish."

"How about a bathtub with bubbles, instead?" Alex suggested. "It's the best I can do."

Smiling faintly, Casey nodded. "Alright, Ali. I trust you."

"My parents will not be disappointed in you. They know Charlie hurt you. Not to the extent that I know because I didn't tell them. They figured it out on their own watching you. So, they're just gonna be glad to hear that you left him. They'll be proud of you more than anything. It takes a lot to stand up and leave an abusive relationship, Casey. We all know that."

Casey's hand tightened in its grip on Alex's fingers. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay."

Alex knocked on the door, the wooden mass opened almost immediately by a woman in her late forties, hair pulled up into a bun, laugh lines forming around her lips and eyes. "I heard you pulling up the drive, Alexandra."

"Rosa," Alex said, releasing Casey's hand to hug the somewhat shorter woman. "Here, I thought you'd gone off to California."

The woman laughed. "I did. I miss you and Danae too much to stay."

Alex smiled. "You're a terrible liar, Rosa. Always were. But, I'm glad you're back. Rosa, this is my friend, Casey." Reaching over, Alex pulled Casey in to her. "Casey, this is Rosa. She was my nanny when I was a little girl and, when I was old enough to take care of myself, she stuck around as a housekeeper. Rosa, this is my best friend, Casey."

The smaller, Hispanic woman took Casey in her arms, giving her a warm hug that even Casey could not find any harm in. "I'm her girlfriend," Casey said with a small smile, eyes darting bashfully to Alex over Rosa's shoulder.

"Oh, I knew Alex would have fine taste in women," Rosa exclaimed. "Come in. Your parents are expecting you, Alex. And, now that I am back in New York, I will be expecting you more often."

"Absolutely, Rosa," Alex said as they stepped into the foyer. "Mom?"

"In the kitchen," Alex's mother called back. "And, don't yell. It's rude."

"Okay," Alex hollered back, wide grin on her face. To Casey, she said, "Welcome to the Cabot abode."

"It's beautiful," Casey murmured. And, it was exactly what she had come to expect for a family from old money, especially for a Cabot. The place was definitely upper class, but it was not show offy like the new money families could be. People, Casey had learned from her adventures with Alex, who had not grown up with money did not know how to spend it. They spent it all trying to show off to others how much money they had. People from old money, on the contrary, did not need to show it off. Also, Casey had learned, it seemed like people from old money were more like middle class people in how they behaved than people from new money. But, there were still some heavily marked differences.

They padded into the kitchen, having slipped off their shoes at the front door, and Alex immediately went to the sink to wash her hands, taking up station beside her mother, kneading what was looking to be fresh bread. Shrugging, Casey followed suit and grabbed the third ball of dough and sprinkled some flour onto the counter. For several minutes, the women worked together in silence, and Casey was surprised to find the tension rolling off her shoulders in what felt like waves.

It was a couple of minutes more before Casey stopped moving the dough under her hands. She just kind of froze, her body shaking as she started to cry. Alex had seen Casey freeze up and had washed her hands again, ridding them of the flour. Carefully, she stepped behind Casey and wrapped her arms around the woman's shoulders, pressing her face into her back. A moment later, Casey felt another pair of warm arms envelope her, and she moved her own hands to hold on to the two Cabot women.

"I can't believe what I did," Casey whispered. "The people I disappointed today. The people I pissed off." She paused, biting her lip. "But, at the same time, I feel so light, like someone else knows and can share in the weight. And, I'm free. He can't hurt me anymore. I don't know why, but I never thought that would happen."


	38. Chapter 38

**(38)**

Staring over the rim of the tea cup, Casey watched Alex from her vantage in the oversized bath tub. And, when Alex had said it was a large tub, she had not been kidding. If Casey leaned back to cover her shoulders with water, her toes were still miles from the end of the tub. Even sitting up, the water came to her mid arm. She set the tea cup back down on the generous rim of the tub near where Alex was still sitting in her bra and jeans.

After Casey's melt down in the kitchen which had landed both her and Alex on the floor in a little huddle while Alex just held Casey, the blonde had drawn Casey her promised bath, Alex's mother, Charlotte, and Rosa caring for Casey. Alex's father, James, was reportedly out back, but Alex had been sure her mother had kicked him out. Charlotte always seemed to know which parent was the better suited one to deal with the problems. And, in this case, Alex whole heartedly agreed with her mother's assessment. It was not that she did not trust her father to be sensitive to the matter, but she knew Casey would prefer a woman over a man, particularly with her latest experience.

Casey was grateful for everything, especially since when she had left the church, she had expected to have nothing by the end of the day outside of Alex. Of course, every time she had seen them, Alex's parents had been just as good to her as they had their own daughter. They had never asked if she wanted to go to dinner with them. They had just assumed that she would be there if Alex was. They had never asked if they could get her Christmas gifts. They had just sent them to her Cambridge address, and she had two little parcels waiting for her after the New Year when she and Charlie had returned from the city.

"Get in?" Casey asked, the question lilted in the sound of her voice. She tipped her head to the side and watched Alex's eyes dart over the bubbles covering her body. "Please, Alex."

Maybe it was the please. Maybe it was the sad look in Casey's eyes that made Alex think that she was only getting part of the story. Maybe it was the need in the way that Casey said her name. Whatever it was, Alex stood, pushing her pants down and sliding her bra off, and climbed into the bathtub so that she was opposite Casey, her legs tucked up under herself. "You okay, honey?" she asked, her fingers playing with the bones of Casey's ankles.

Running her wet fingers through her dry and still crispy with hairspray hair, Casey nodded. "I'm alright. I just – for a moment." She shrugged. "Never mind, Al. I'm just being irrational."

"No, you weren't," Alex argued, leaning forward, her hand sliding up Casey's calf in a supportive manner. "What were you worried about?"

Casey shrugged as she drew her knees up and rolled back so that she was under the water. For a few long seconds, she closed her eyes, face scrunched up so that water wouldn't get up her nose, and she ran her fingers through her hair until it loosened enough that when she surfaced, it fell around her shoulders.

"Your parents have a massive bathtub," she said upon surfacing as she pushed the water from her eyes.

"Yep," Alex said. "Now, my question is still without an answer." Normally, Alex would not have pushed Casey on something. She understood when the red head needed space. In that instance, though, she would have argued that Casey did not need space. She needed someone to force her to admit to her fears and then comfort her and tell her that the boogey man was not real. Except, in Casey's case, the boogey man was real, and he went by the name Charlie.

Falling still and silent, Casey stared at the water for several long moments. "I just thought that maybe you wouldn't want to," she murmured, looking away. "I can't explain it, Alex. I'm sorry. I just feel disgusting, and I thought that if you didn't want to be in here with me, then it must mean that I really am dirty."

Alex took Casey's hands and pulled the red head toward her. Complying, Casey shrank and twisted until she was sitting between Alexandra's legs, the blonde's arms wrapped around her. Pushing Casey's wet curtain of hair aside, Alex pressed a light kiss into the woman's ear. "You are not dirty, sweetheart. The only one who's tainted is Charlie because he chose to do these things to you. You're an angel for trying so long to help him, Casey. Nothing less."

Taking Casey's hands in her own, Alex began to rub at her palms and fingers in tiny circles, working out the little knots that had formed in her hands. Slowly, she worked her way up the forearm of first one arm, then the other until Casey was laying against Alex's chest, relaxing, inch by inch against the woman behind her.

"Sit forward," Alex murmured in Casey's ear after a few minutes. Casey did as she was told, sitting on her knees as Alex ran her hands through Casey's rouge hair, fingers massaging out the knots as water from a cup cascaded down Casey's back. Starting at the tips of Casey's hair, Alex gently worked shampoo into the strands, finding the places where the product had clumped tightly to her hair and working to break it up.

Casey sat in silence as Alex worked through the knots and the spray, only gasping when Alex covered her eyes with one hand and poured water over her head and back with the other. "Alex, you don't have to wash my hair," Casey murmured.

"I want to. If that's okay with you."

Casey nodded.

Alex worked conditioner into the woman's hair, the final knots falling away under the smooth cream. Sitting a little higher, Alex reached for the soap and the pouf, lathering the pouf before gently washing Casey's neck and back. Using her hand as a cup, Alex rinsed the part of Casey's back between her shoulder blades, the water dripping through the suds of soap, and carefully leaned forward, kissing the same area with a touch almost like a breath as opposed to an actual touch.

Whining, Casey stiffened, gooseflesh rising along her arms and down her neck. "Alex," she mewled, though her tone was entirely different than it had been. Casey, Alex knew, was a sucker for being taken care of, for a gentle touch as opposed to a rough one. Granted, Alex did not know from experience. She had never particularly been rough with Casey. It had always been gentle, always been on Casey's terms. And, Casey had made it clear to Alex, through her bodily reactions, that anything but was not on her safe list. If it was not, it was not then, and Alex knew it might never be. She did not mind either way, though part of her wondered if the abuse would change her need for violence – Alex knew, more personally than she cared to admit, that after a violent episode in her own life, her sex life had turned more violent as she strove to control that kind of environment despite the violence in her life not being of a sexual nature. She could not help but wonder if it would hit Casey in the same way.

"It's okay, Casey. I'm not going to do anything. I just want you to know that I do not, cannot, possibly see you in any other light other than your beauty both external and internal. You're one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I have the fortune of knowing you in ways no one else does."

Nodding, Casey pulled her hair to the side of her neck, and Alex pressed a second kiss into her skin. "Is it any wonder that I've fallen for you," Casey mused as she felt Alex's body press up against hers, the space between them amounting to the thin line where their skin touched, Alex's arms around her waist, head resting on her shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"You make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world just by a look in your eyes, like a princess with your voice, and a goddess with your hands," Casey murmured. "I can't believe you were single at any time in your life, let alone when you met me."

Alex smiled. "You know what they say, that when the time is right, you'll be ready." Alex breathed softly on Casey's neck for a few moments before adding, "I guess the time was right for me."

Closing her hands over Alex's, Casey squeezed gently, her brow furrowing. "Do you think it's possible to fight the right time?"

"As much as I believe it's possible to fight the wrong time and demand that it is right," Alex murmured into the top of Casey's shoulder, nibbling carefully. She was not trying to start anything. She had merely learned that for Casey, being there was a physical thing. It was not the same for the blonde, but the point was that the red head knew she had support. And if telling her that meant a hug and a warm nibble, then so be it.

There were several times where Alex woke up to Casey cuddled up to her, and she had eventually found herself wrapping herself around the woman even in her sleep, a habit she had never taken to with other boy or girlfriends. Normally, she preferred one hand touching or feet touching, something small to know her partner was there, but nothing cuddly. Casey, it turned out, was an absolute cuddler. She sought haven in Alex as they slept, and even unconscious, Alex was happy to provide that to her.

Casey caressed Alex's cheek. "So, which is this?" she asked.

"I don't know," Alex mused. "Why don't we take this rollercoaster wherever it goes and find out? If it's right for us, we'll find out. If it's wrong, we'll find that out, too. But, Casey, don't push yourself in either direction." Alex slid her hands down Casey's arms to her finger tips, holding them out over the sides of the tub. "Just go with it. I'm not promising to be the perfect girlfriend, but I am promising to be yours, and I am promising to try my best to give you what you need from me."

"I just want you to be yourself," Casey said with a soft sigh. "I've had too much of pretending to be someone, something, I am not. I could never ask anyone else to do the same."

As Casey turned to look at Alex, the blonde caught her lips in a slow kiss. "You're a very wise woman, Casey," she whispered as they separated.

"I don't feel it," Casey responded, hugging herself.

"That's okay. You don't have to. I think it's apparent to everyone else, and your humility will get you far."

Casey laughed. "Me? Humble? Alex."

"You're more so than I," Alex purred. "For instance, I know I'm a damn good prosecutor and can only get better. You think you do okay and you try your hardest."

"That's not humility. That's truth."

It was Alex's turn to laugh. "No, honey. You're a damn good prosecutor, and you will go a long way in your career. You just don't think that. But, that's okay. It's part of your Casey charm."

"I have my own charm?"

Alex buried her face against Casey's neck as she nodded. "Yes. Your very own delightful charm."

For several minutes, they just sat in silence, pressed against each other, Alex's arms still around Casey. The two women shifted so that Casey was resting against Alex, the blonde leaning against the side of the tub. "Hey, Casey, can I ask a favor?" Alex eventually purred.

"If you can ask it after we get out, I will probably grant it," Casey quipped. The water was getting cold, and she felt cleaner than she had in a long time. It was probably safe to get out, get dried, and get dressed.

"If we can get out, I won't have a favor to ask," Alex mused as Casey sat up and the two climbed out of the bath tub, wrapping up in fluffy yellow towels.

Casey wrung her hair back out in the tub as Alex lifted the plug. "There goes my would have been married life," Casey commented.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that that life went down the drain. I can't get it back, and, quite frankly, I don't want it back. It's going to take a while for me to get over what I did to my family, Alex, and I know that. But, I can't help but think that it's better now than later. At least now, I know it's safe to mourn."

Alex rested a hand on Casey's shoulder. "Of course it is, sweetheart," she murmured, tucking Casey's wet hair behind her ear. "You do whatever you need to do to heal. And, let me know if and how I can help."

"You've helped so much already," Casey murmured. "Thank you. You said you'd support me no matter what my choices were, and you've never strayed from your word. That means more to me, Alex, than I think I could express."

"You're welcome," Alex whispered, kissing Casey's nose and smiling.

They dressed, mostly in silence. Alex had seen the bruises before, at the church. And, she had seen them again in the bath tub, but it was difficult for Alex to keep her anger in check as she saw Casey wincing as she pulled her pants on over the bruise on her stomach. There was another on the inside of her right thigh that looked painful, and a third rested on her right upper arm that Alex would have sworn had been caused by more force than a punch. The blonde speculated that it was from a kick.

Of all people, Alex had compassion to disease, particularly schizophrenia. Her own brother, Adam, was plagued by the disease. He had attacked Alexandra because of the drugs and alcohol he had turned to to cope with the disease. Charlie had turned to alcohol. Maybe the disease had not made him violent. Most schizophrenics were not. But, Alex was sure the alcohol had. She understood disease. Until that moment, she had thought she could forgive acts committed by defendants with diseases so long as the disease were the culprit. In that moment, though, she realized that that was simply not the case. She could not forgive someone with an illness just because they had an unmanaged illness. She had even less forgiveness when they intentionally did not manage or mismanaged their illness.

At that moment in time, Alexandra Cabot did not have it within her to ever forgive Charlie for what he had done to Casey. Maybe there would come a day, but while the bruises were still fresh, Alex just did not see it happening.

"Please don't be angry," Casey finally said as she pulled her wet hair back into a bun, twisting it in her fingers.

"I'm not angry at you," Alex answered, focusing on keeping her tone in check.

"I know," Casey said with a nod. "I know that. But, you're angry. Anger gives other people control over you, not the other way around. Please don't be angry. I don't want him to have control over me or anyone in my life anymore." She sounded small, almost childlike.

Alex could not help but nod. "I'll do my best, Casey."

Both women returned to the living room to find both the Cabots and Rosa sitting between the sofa and the arm chair.

"We thought you two had disappeared down the drain," James joked, smiling as Alex leaned in to hug her father. "Almost sent divers down to get you."

"Do you feel better?" Charlotte asked, addressing both women with her hands, but Casey with her eyes.

"Yes, Ma'am, thank you," Casey said, folding her hands in front of her and flushing slightly.

"I'm sure I've told you before, Casey, that my name is Charlotte, not Ma'am."

"Yes, Ma'am," Casey murmured. "Charlotte. " She flushed as she corrected herself, clearly unsure of herself.

"Why don't both of you sit down," James said, his tone more of a command than a request or suggestion.

Alex nodded, taking Casey by the waist and sitting them both down on the smaller sofa. Casey automatically cuddled into Alex. It baffled her how Alex's parents had known the two women were dating and had known that Casey was also seeing Charlie and they had never said anything negative to her or Alex. Casey was almost jealous that Alex's parents were so accepting.

"Casey, I take it that you'll be staying with Alex for a while?" The man of the Cabot house was not nearly as stern as Casey had imagined him being. And, yet, for all of that, she still felt compelled to do as he said. It was strange, but she figured that he had the same kind of effect on everyone he met. He had to in order to run the business empire he ran. Though, according to Alex, it was not that large of a business.

"Yes," Casey answered James' question, nodding, her cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment. "At least until I can find my own place. I've never been on my own, so it's going to be interesting."

Alex pulled Casey closer to her, kissing her temple. The one touch made Casey forget some of the heat of shame. She had long since become accustomed to small displays of appropriate affection in front of Alexandra's family. They seemed more welcoming of it. Actually, they ignored it, Charlotte saying that those little acts of affection were meant for Casey and Alex and no one else, so it was not any of her business. Casey liked Charlotte. She felt safe with her. Not necessarily physically safe for Charlotte was not a physically intrusive woman. But, her soul felt safe, and that was something she had now known since she was a small child. "We can start looking as soon as you want," Alex murmured, drawing Casey's attention back to the living room.

"Regardless," James interjected, "my real point in asking is because we're worried about both of you. Casey, this is a lot of stress on you, I'm sure. Why don't you two stay here tonight and get some real rest? It's so rare anymore that you let your mom and me spoil you, Alex. And, Danae is going to be home soon from her friend's house. She'll want to spend some time with both of you. Maybe it'll distract Casey."

Casey smiled, glancing at Alex. "I would like that. If that's okay, Ali?"

"Of course," Alex said with a laugh, hugging Casey lightly. "Thanks, Dad, Mom. We really do appreciate it."

"Yes," Casey said, nodding. "Thanks, a bunch."

"Of course, Casey. Let us know if you need anything."

Alex smiled. "I haven't been gone from this house so long that I don't remember how to raid this place," she joked.

Charlotte gave her a brief, sharp look. Alex blushed slightly and curled Casey instinctively closer to her. "Don't get smart with me, Alexandra," she scolded, a light twinkle to her eyes.

"Yes, Ma'am," Alex said. "Come on, Casey. Let's head to bed."

Casey nodded, following Alex up the stairs to the guest bedroom.

On the bed in the guest room were two piles of clothes consisting of a tank top and gym shorts. "Holy shit," Alex mused. "Mom said she donated all my old stuff after I got back from Harvard."

"I think the idea of her baby girl growing up is a bit much for her sometimes. I imagine it would be for me, too, if I had such an amazing daughter."

"Flattery, Novak. It'll get you nowhere."

"And everywhere." Casey leaned in and kissed Alex's cheek before changing into more comfortable clothing. She lay out on the king size bed, sprawled. "Your bed, Al, is massive."

"Guest bed. You've slept in mine. My parents let me keep my furniture."

"Well, fine. Your parents' guest bed is huge. So is the guest room. You could have a party in here." Casey stared around her in awe. The room itself was very large with more than four walls, all painted a soft egg white. Fabric hung from the ceiling to the walls, a mild, sheer, dark green. A small crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling in the center of the room, and there was oak furniture including the four poster bed, dresser, entertainment case, and rocking chair pushed into the corner. "I'm pretty sure you could live in here."

Alex snickered as she lay down beside Casey, pulling the covers over them only as far as their hips, otherwise, it would be too hot. Casey curled against Alex's chest, wiggling into a comfortable, familiar position for them both. "I used to. Before it was a guest room, it was mine. There are other bedrooms, but this one stayed coolest in the summer and warmest in the winter except for the master bedroom which is gorgeous. You'll have to ask my mom to see it in the morning. She'd be happy to show you."

"Okay. Hey, um, Ali, can I ask a strange question?" Casey asked. "How did you wind up so conservative with two very liberal parents?"

Alex smiled, pulling Casey closer to her. "How did you wind up so liberal with two very conservative parents?"

"Touché."

They both giggled, and it did not take long for them to settle down. Casey's sleep was far more fitful than Alex's, and she tossed in her sleep, kicking the covers from them both. At one point, she woke Alex up with her whimpering, and the blonde reached over and did the only thing she could think of as Casey clawed at the air in her sleep. She yanked Casey hard against her body, holding her there, Casey's hands caught between their chests. Casey flexed her fingers but could not move them far, and certainly not far enough to scratch herself or Alex.

"It's okay, Casey," Alex mumbled into Casey's ear as she whined and trembled in her sleep. "I've got ya. The nightmares can't hurt you."

It took a few minutes, but Casey settled back down with a sigh. "Alex," she whispered.

"Yea, honey?" Alex asked, but Casey's breathing was too even for her to be awake. Alex smiled, kissed Casey's forehead, then settled herself back in to get much needed sleep. "Never mind, then. Sleep well, hot shot."

Casey mumbled something in her sleep, but Alex could not understand it. "I love you," Alex whispered.

"I love you, too," Casey whispered back.


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Oh, please don't hate me. At least things are better.**

**(39)**

The day after Casey called off the wedding last minute, she did not want to leave the Cabot house. Or, rather, she did not care where she was as long as she did not have to leave and go anywhere. There was not a social bone in her body that was willing to do things, see people, or interact. Even that afternoon, when Alex coaxed her back to the apartment, Casey curled up on Alex's bed. She did not sleep. She just lay there, numb until early evening, Alex sitting on the bed beside her, working out of her new felony files while sporadically trying to get Casey to eat or at least drink something.

Casey just flat refused. It was not that she was not hungry. She was. She just could not bring herself to handle the idea of eating something for fear that she would throw it back up. She felt that if she moved, she would throw up. If she cried, she would throw up. If she yelled, she would throw up. And, just by laying there on the bed, she thought she was going to be sick.

Finally, after several hours of silence, Alex set her files on the floor and lay down, hands tucked up under her head as she watched Casey until the red head met her eyes. It took some mental will, but eventually, those green eyes locked on gray, and Alex offered a soft smile. "Hey, beautiful girl," she murmured, moving to tuck Casey's hair behind her ear. "Talk to me. Tell me what's racing through that head of yours."

Biting her lip, Casey groaned. "I ache," she murmured.

"You haven't moved all day," Alex said, well aware that the ache was probably more associated with the healing process.

Casey shrugged. "I mean my soul aches," she responded. "It's just so real now. It wasn't before."

"What do you mean, Casey?" Alex asked, her fingers sliding over Casey's body until they rested reassuringly on her hip.

Once again, Casey shrugged. "I don't know. It's like for the first time since Charlie and I started dating, since, I guess, since he hit me, it's all real. It wasn't before. I just pretended it didn't happen because I didn't want other people to find out it happened. And, then, everyone found out in one fell swoop, and those who don't know probably think I'm a bitch for running out on Charlie. And, then, there are those who know who probably think I'm a bitch for running out on Charlie with a woman."

"Your parents?" Alex asked, seeking confirmation. Casey nodded. "Honey, I can't even begin to imagine everything you're going through right now, but I think you did the right thing leaving him. You're safer now. You don't have to worry about pleasing him or being hit if you mess up. You're safe, and that's the important cause. What other people think of you because of it is their problem."

"I know you're right. My head knows your right, but I can't seem to convince my heart of that, Alex. I'm such a people pleaser. I know. I wish I could be stony and hard. Not all the time, but at times like this, when I want to shield myself from everything around me."

Alex kissed Casey gently. "You don't want that, Casey," she murmured. "Because if you have that, it means a part of you has died inside."

"Something inside you is dead, then?" Casey asked, biting her lip and averting her eyes as though she believed she had said too much. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Alex whispered. "You're absolutely right. I've earned my nickname, Casey. I don't want you to earn the same. Maybe something different. But not that one."

A few hours turned into a few days, and days into weeks. Two months later, and Casey was still living with Alex. They went to work every morning, Monday through Friday, together and both often stayed late in Alex's office, Alex coaching Casey on her trials and pleas as Casey needed, and Alex bouncing around opening arguments and thoughts for a case she had going to trial at the end of the month. They fell into an easy rhythm and were, surprisingly, very easily able to keep their relationship out of the office.

It might have been because within the relationship, they were very light, easy, and slow. Casey had never only dated just Alex, and Alex had thought that even though they were living together, they could back it up a few steps and court a little more formally. Casey had agreed, realizing that her relationship with Charlie had progressed quickly. Hell, her relationship with Alex had progressed quickly. Though, she knew the latter was because she was afraid the former would consume her.

Casey regretted that about her relationship with Alex more than anything. Alex might have been accustomed to relationships that progressed over the course of nearly two years, but Casey was not, and she felt as though, by jumping a few of the steps she would have preferred, she had messed up. She knew Alex did not see it that way. In fact, when she had confessed that much to Alex, the blonde woman had flat out disagreed with Casey's lack of acceptance of her own actions.

Nevertheless, taking those steps back helped Casey emotionally to heal. After two months, the bruises were gone, but the habits were not. She still flinched when a door slammed and checked corners when walking around inside. She had periodic nightmares where she fought an invisible assailant. She could not wear necklaces or bracelets, and it made Alex wonder what Charlie had done to her that she did not talk about because Alex knew there had to be more than what Casey said for some of her reactions. Still, the blond did not press.

Two months turned into six, and Casey started seeing a therapist. After almost nine months with the District Attorney, Casey had managed to wiggle her way into prosecuting on the general felony docket with Alex. It had made her life interesting, though, because many of the violent memories she had been able to suppress while on the misdemeanor docket flooded back to her. She became quickly hard and harsh in her career, no longer naïve and no longer innocent. She fought back, her anger boiling quickly. She was unforgiving, offered very few plea deals unless she genuinely believed that was the only way to get a conviction and the defendant was truly guilty. It was when she started having night terrors weekly and nightmares nightly that she finally accepted the need to see a therapist.

She saw the doctor twice a week with Alex going once every other week because Casey wanted to be certain that their relationship was not negatively impacted. Finding a gay friendly therapist in New York was a little more difficult than Alex had anticipated, but they had found one on recommendation from Alexandra's trauma counselor when Alex had sought counseling after her brother had tried to kill her. Every other Saturday morning became their time to work through how some of their mutual issues, career paths, and insecurities impacted their relationship.

Alex figured it could not have been that bad. They had survived almost three years dating, but she had not been opposed. They rarely fought, and when they did, it was usually over what to eat for dinner and not an actual argument. They debated a variety of issues that a person might expect be debated in a house hold where one liberal and one conservative took residence, especially when both were equally intelligent and gunning for political positions later in their careers. But, they were friendly debates and did not, neither woman thought, constitute an issue in their relationship.

Casey was just taking safeguarding measures. She did not want their lives to blow up in their faces because she could not handle her nightmares and anxieties. Plus, Alex would just go with her, sometimes, and be a physical support rod. They would not talk about their relationship. Alex would, in fact, say very little.

By July the year following Casey's departure from the church, she was all around a much happier, experienced woman. The naiveté she had displayed at Harvard was gone. Charlie had taken that away gruffly. Alex had caressed it away into oblivion with a touch so gentle, Casey had not even realized that Alex would progressively push her out of her comfort zone until she looked around her and realized her whole perception of the world had changed.

The two women were sitting on top of the apartment complex, several other people living in the building having joined them to watch the fireworks popping over the harbor in the distance. Casey never did move out of Alex's apartment. They had looked for places, but Casey just never felt comfortable in any of them. In truth, Alex was somewhat relieved. In the year they had lived together, she had become accustomed to the warm body pressed against hers, getting tangled in the sheets, and, even, cold feet on a winter morning pressed against the backs of her calves, waking her up from a deep sleep.

Other than living together, though, they had taken that year slow. Alex had courted Casey properly, the two going on dates to the Met, Broadway, walking in the park, and any number of creative ideas Alex could attend. It was Casey, though, who had taken Alex sailing in early August, the two very nearly tipping the boat because of Alex's inability to determine starboard from port. Thankfully, Casey had been a good enough sailor that she righted the situation before the boat upturned.

Charlie had disappeared shortly after the abandoned wedding date. No one had heard from him since. He reportedly quite the firm he was working at and, as far as anyone knew, left New York. He had frequently suggested to Casey that they move, even going so far as to demand it, but she had always begged family and they had stayed in the city. Without Casey attached to him, they all thought maybe he had just finally left.

Casey had not talked to her family in the entire year. Her brother, Todd, had called once, not having a real negative opinion of Casey, but that phone call had been cut short by Casey's father. It had set Casey into a fit of tears as she tried to come to terms with the cruel things her father had yelled. Alex did not know what they were. Casey would not repeat them.

The one family member Casey had spoken to was Stephanie. It had taken her a little over a month to feel comfortable enough talking to her older, lesbian sister, but that seemed to take a weight from her when she did. The two siblings stayed in regular contact, Casey taking Alex out to the ranch to visit Stephanie and her wife, Julie, several times. Both women were incredibly supportive of Casey, and that was enough for Alex, though the blonde attorney genuinely did like them both.

"This is quite the view you have, Ali," Casey murmured, snuggling closer to the blonde beneath their blanket. It was not particularly cold out, but it was not warm, either. There was a chill to the air that seemed unable to be shaken, but it was chased away by the closeness of two bodies, wrapped around each other.

"We have," Alex murmured. "It's your house, too, remember?"

Casey smiled faintly. "Thanks," she murmured, kissing Alex's cheek.

"After a year, sweetheart, I would expect nothing less than it being our home."

"You know," Casey mused, leaning back into Alex's embrace. "I can't remember ever being this happy. Even as a kid, I always felt like something was looming over me. But, here, with you, I don't feel that. I just feel at peace, like I finally belong."

"You do," Alex answered, nibbling at Casey's ear. Their already sporadic sex life had taken a grinding halt at Casey's request. Alex did not blame her, but it had only been within the past several weeks that Casey had been open for a few somewhat more sexualized games. Alex did not hold it against her. She could not. No matter how much time passed, Alex still felt there was more to what Charlie had done to Casey than the prosecutor would admit to. It was a feeling that she could not shake, and, for that reason, she had been extremely gentle around the barriers Casey had erected.

Cuddling against Alex, Casey sighed. "I know. Hey, babe?"

"Yea?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Casey laughed as a firework popped, sprinkling down in the shape of a star. "Oh, they really went all out this year, huh?"

"Last Fourth of July before the year 2000, Casey. There's some big rumor going around about some Y2K bug or something." Alex shrugged. "I don't believe a lick of it, but if it makes some people happy."

"So, you won't mind the cases of water I bought?" Casey asked, grinning sheepishly.

Alex raised a brow and looked at Casey. "You know what? I can't tell if you're kidding or not."

Once again, Casey laughed, and Alex smiled. "I'm kidding. I think. It's so strange to think we're going to see the turn of a century."

"It's just another day like anything else," Alex teased. "Besides, it's only on the Gregorian calendar. Some of the other calendars won't turn for another several years, and some turned several years ago."

Casey stuck her tongue out. "My, aren't we special? Know-it-all."

"Oh, but I am." Alex kissed Casey quickly. "Now, snuggle closer and watch the fireworks."

Smirking, Casey glanced around at the handful of other people before pressing her mouth against Alex's, kissing her more deeply than she had in a while. "I can think of another set of fireworks I'd like to watch," she said with narrowed eyes, bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

Alex laughed. "You've been horny for the past couple of days. You feeling okay?"

Casey blinked slowly, giving Alex a classic 'you're an ass' look. "I would have had my problem taken care of a couple of days ago. But, oh, no. You have to be Little Miss Tease."

"Oh, absolutely," Alex purred, giggling as she tugged Casey onto her lap, the boom and crackle above the harbor snapping louder and faster as they concluded into a cloud of sparkling dust.

As everyone left the roof top, Casey moved to stand up from Alex's lap only to be tugged back down. "Wait," Alex murmured.

Curious expression furrowing her brow, Casey complied with the request and remained seated until they sat alone on the rooftop of their apartment complex. "What's going on, Alexandra?" Casey asked, tipping her head as she twisted to look at her girlfriend.

"You sound so worried," Alex observed, kissing Casey's nose with a quick peck.

Casey shrugged. "I'm not. You're just up to something." The red head narrowed her eyes.

Alex shook her head. "Me? Up to something? Never." She laughed softly as she bit her lip. "Why? Are you up to something?"

"Always," Casey purred, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck. "Can we snuggle inside? I feel awfully exposed."

Shaking her head, Alex laughed. In one quick motion, she pushed Casey's hoodie over her head, the red head's arms rising above her head automatically, leaving her sitting in Alexandra's lap in jeans and a bra and something between a laugh and a frown on her face. "No, now you're awfully exposed."

"When I get a ticket," Casey growled, though her facial expression had moved to a pure smile.

"I'll refuse to prosecute," Alex murmured, kissing Casey chastely. "Our first time together was on a pier, Casey. You've got some exhibitionist in you."

"Our first time was my first time, Ali!" Casey argued. "How can you hold it against me? I didn't know what I was doing."

"I never said I was holding it against you, did I?" Alex teased.

"You know what's kind of an interesting fact?" Casey asked, changing the topic as she played with Alex's hair.

"Hm?"

"I grew up believing that a woman was only meant to have one partner her entire life, and the way you knew you would only be with one person is if you didn't have sex before marriage, since divorce was simply not an option." Casey paused, still twisting Alex's hair between the fingers of one hand, the other hand pressed between them, tracing patterns down Alex's chest and stomach. "Well, I had sex before marriage, but three and almost a half years later, I'm still not the whore my parents thought I would turn into if I had premarital sex. Heck, I've still only had one partner."

Alex smiled. "Of course you're not a whore," she agreed. "You're too loyal to be a whore."

"I don't think it's that, Ali. Because, even if I weren't with you, I don't think I could be with other people. You're so gentle and attentive. I would be too worried that someone else would hurt me, be too rough." Casey flushed, something she did not often do since her reasons for growing embarrassed had vastly decreased.

Biting her lip, Alex frowned. "Casey, are you okay?" she asked, sensing something else was going on in the back of her lover's mind. At Casey's request, they had not been intimate. Though it was more frequent a habit when she first left Charlie, there were times, still, when Casey would hide her body from Alex, the one non-medical person who had seen Casey naked at the red head's will.

"I'm alright," Casey answered. "I just, I need to talk to you about something. And, I get that it might ruin everything, but you deserve to know. Now that I have a sex drive again, you should know so you can decide whether or not you still want to have sex with me. Hell, be with me. I would understand that."

"Casey, what are you talking about?" Alex asked, moving her girlfriend's head with a finger under her chin so that she would look at her. "Hey, hot shot, look at me, please? You're scaring me."

"I'm sorry." Casey took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "It was in May, after he started making me undress to prove that I wasn't cheating on him, um, he had me undress one night, and after he inspected me, he made me lay down on the bed, still naked. I, um, he got undressed, too. And, he just laid down next to me. I, um, I, he, he picked up my hand and wrapped it around his penis. I told him I didn't want to touch him. He wouldn't let me not. He told me to lick him, but I refused, so he pushed me on the floor and grabbed my hair." Alex's arms tightened around Casey as the red head buried her face into the blonde's soft hair. Casey cried softly, her body trembling even though she did not make a noise.

For several long minutes, Alex sat on the roof, holding her girlfriend close. "Casey," she finally whispered as Casey's shaking subsided. "Honey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but did he force oral on you?"

Her grip tightened on Alex's shirt, and she whispered, "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for, sweetheart? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner," Casey mumbled. "It's occurred to me that you have every right to not want to touch me again. And, I was so afraid for the longest time that you would tell me you didn't want to touch me. Now, I know you'll tell me I'm not dirty for it, but it was probably the single most horrifying event in our relationship together, and I realized that even with that, I wouldn't leave him. And, that made me feel even more disgusting and fucked up. I figured something had to be wrong with me. It had to be, to not walk away from all of that sooner."

"Casey, can you do me a huge favor? Can you look at me?" Alex asked, her voice victim-gentle and understanding. Casey looked up, sitting away from Alex, though the blonde kept a hand on her knee, discouraging her from going too far. Still, Casey moved so that she was sitting on the ground, almost as though she were prepared to grab her sweatshirt and bolt. "Talk to me."

"What about, Ali? All I can imagine right now is how you must feel knowing now what happened and that you've still slept in the same bed as I have and kissed me. I know it was wrong not to tell you, but I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. It's just that when I kiss you, I forget, for just a moment, how unsanitary I feel, felt. Mostly felt. I'm starting to come to terms with it, but I would understand if you-"

Alex cut her off as she moved to her knees, kissing Casey full on the mouth, capturing her lips with a warm, moist need that almost said she wanted to absorb Casey into her body, pull their souls together in one eternal combination. For a moment, Casey did not respond. Then, she melted into the kiss with the same hungry desire. Alex pulled Casey down to the ground on top of her, Casey moving so that she straddled Alex's hips, their lips never breaking contact until they needed air.

"Never," Alex whispered, panting, "for one reason, ever think that there is anything less than pure about you or any, any reason I would never want to touch you or kiss you again. No one can make you dirty by what they do to you. What he did was hurtful and despicable, but it does not change what I think of you. It does not change that I love you and have loved you and have loved every kiss we've shared since the first time we kissed. I have loved each one not more than the first or less than the last, Casey."

Casey curled up, her head resting on Alex's chest, body draped over her stomach and beside her legs as Alex played with her hair in silence for nearly fifteen minutes. "Thank you for telling me, Casey," Alex murmured. "I had a feeling he did something to you that you didn't tell me about, and I understand how much courage it took for you to tell me."

The only response Casey gave was to nod. Alex understood, though. What else could she say to that? 'You're welcome' hardly seemed like the appropriate response even though Alex had meant what she had said.

"Do you have a passport?" Alex asked after several more minutes went by, swirling past in silence, the wind not quite cold but not warm on the roof which left Casey grateful for her lover's warm body and the blanket wrapped about them both.

Casey shook her head. "It expired. I can get a new one though. Why?"

"I wanna take you on a real vacation. Moving around because your dad's in the military doesn't count, and I suspect it's been a while since you took a proper vacation."

Casey raised herself up on one elbow, looking down at Alex. "I'm not objecting, yet. What brought this about? Not what I said?"

Alex shrugged. "I've been thinking about it for a while now. I haven't been on a vacation since before college, and you and I have never just taken any time to get away from everyone and everything. I think maybe it'll do us both some good, you know, help us both unwind. We can take some time to ourselves instead of trying to find peace for the rest of the world. I would love to just spend a week or two away somewhere with you. We're in our mid-twenties and in love. We should enjoy every last moment of that while we can."

"Hopeless romantic. Where were you thinking?" Casey asked, a small smile melting over her features.

"My parents have a flat in north London, and a close friend of the family has a cottage in Italy. If either place sounds elating, we could go there. I was thinking Tibet. A college classmate of mine stayed near a monastery there for two weeks. Not only is it beautiful, Casey, it's relaxing. I was also considering Bali or New Zealand, especially if you like to snorkel."

"I do. That all sounds so adventurous. You expect me to pick?"

Alex laughed. "Not right now," she said. "But, soon enough for me to get airline tickets reserved and us to make sure we have enough time to get time off from the office."

"Fair enough," Casey mused. "I'll brain storm on it and let you know what I think. If you like Tibet, though, we could go there. I could try this meditating thing you do. Besides, it doesn't sound like you've been there."

"You should meditate. It's helpful."

"But, you're still so angry all of the time."

Alex laughed. "Alright. You got me. I'm human, not perfect. Now, imagine if I didn't." She shrugged, pulling the blanket around Casey's shoulders. "Let's get you inside. You're getting goose bumps."

Leaning over, Casey stole a quick kiss. "Alright. Have I ever told you that you're the most amazing woman in the world?"

"Not today," Alex purred as they stood. She wrapped her arms around Casey from behind in a quick hug.


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: So, this one starts out kinda serious, ends playful. Hope you all enjoy. Thanks, as always, for the reads and reviews. **

**(40)**

"I don't know," Alex said, eying her boss with suspicion. She was still considered a rookie felony prosecutor in the office. It was not that she would not jump at the chance, but she had to ask herself, when there were much more educated and experienced attorneys, why had her boss looked at her? And, so, ask herself she did. And, she even posed the question to him. "Why me? Of all the attorneys in the office, you picked me."

"You have the most stringent legal code of any of the prosecutors in this office, Alex. I've never once seen you even try to bend the law to favor your own sympathies. That's precisely what the unit needs. Special Victims has never really had a set prosecutor, not long term. Most ADAs last six to eight months, the good ones may last ten months. I want someone in there with the moral conviction to stay long term and the legal conviction to follow the law. The unit's been having some problems with that lately, and I need someone who is not afraid to stand up to a room full of cops."

"Well," Alex said with a sigh, "you've got the right lawyer for that." She had earned herself a bit of a reputation after an illegal search and seizure in one of her cases where she had taken it upon herself personally to go in and chew the squad out which had been investigating. Apparently the reaming she had given the detectives had become instantaneously legendary, stories of it passing from precinct to precinct until she quickly became known across the board by her otherwise little used nickname – Ice Queen. Sometimes, she heard Ice Princess, but is she were to go for royalty, she intended to go all out.

From her seat beside Alex, Abbie Carmichael smiled at the blonde. "You would be under my tutelage for a few weeks, Alex, but otherwise, you would be taking off with this on your own in the direction you saw fit. I think you're a good match for the unit. Plus, you've more than once expressed interest in prosecuting sex crimes."

Alex nodded. "Can I have the weekend to mull it over?" she asked. "Right now, I want to say yes, but I want to be sure I'm emotionally prepared to handle all of this."

Branch nodded. "Yes. You won't be starting until after the New Year, so you still have a few months before you absolutely have to accept or decline, but the sooner you can tell me yes with certainty, the sooner I can start trying to find a new felony docket lawyer and then a new misdemeanor attorney to replace that one. I'll give you until October first to decide. That's a little over two weeks, and I don't expect to be able to hire anyone until after the budget returns in February, so you'll be stuck on the general docket until then."

"Okay," Alex answered. "Thank you." She stood up quickly, anxious to leave the office, nerves in her stomach like butterflies.

Abbie followed her out. "What a way to kick of the new millennium, huh?" her Texas born and bred coworker drawled.

"I don't know, Abs. I don't know if I can do it."

The other attorney looked shocked. "But, you ask me questions all the time about the sex assault cases I've prosecuted. You did pretty well with that elder abuse case, too. I think that really stands out in Branch's mind, you know. McCoy thinks you're up to snuff for it as well. Why don't you think you can do it?"

Alex shrugged. "A really close friend of mind was sexually assaulted. And, I know it was over a year ago now, but I know that it can still be very raw for her." For a moment, Alex looked so sad that there were hardly words to describe it. "There are times when she talks to me that I feel like I can't handle her pain any more. How can I handle other people's?"

"But, you already do. You already carry the burden with so much grace and competency." Abbie shoved her hands into her back pockets as they approached her office. "Alex, just clarify one thing for me because it's important. Your friend isn't you, is it?"

Shaking her head, Alex crossed her arms over her stomach. "No."

"Is it this mysterious woman you're seeing?" Abbie asked, casually as she gestured for Alex to sit in one of the chairs across from her desk.

Alex almost missed the chair sitting down. "How did you, who told, dammit." She situated herself in the chair and took a deep breath. "How do you know I'm seeing anyone?"

Having sat down while Alex was trying to arrange herself, Abbie folded her hands on her desk and leaned against the wood. "Well, you just confirmed it, but we're pretty good friends, right, Cabot?"

"Sure. I mean, you were my mentor when I was first hired. I like to think we're friends." Alex hesitated, her nails digging into her skin. She would be damning Casey if Abbie ever found out who the mysterious woman was, but she eventually nodded. "It's her. My girlfriend was sexually assaulted by the man she was dating before we started seeing each other. The worst part is that I introduced them."

Abbie nodded. "Can I tell you something, not for you to pity me or be horrified, but so you believe me when I say that prosecuting sex crimes can be just as healing as therapy?" Alex nodded. "My first year in law school, I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend. I never thought I would get through it. I went into criminal law because of it. When McCoy recommended me for this position with SVU, I thought for sure I would never be able to do it. I have too much empathy for victims. It's been good for me, though, these past five months, Alex. Every time I put one of those rapists behind bars, even if it's only for eight to twenty years, I feel like I'm getting a little bit of justice for myself. And, it's not even really about that. I feel better about myself knowing I can do for those women what I could not do for myself. Maybe you won't feel the same way, but you might. You might come to feel like you're getting a little bit of justice for your girlfriend, and maybe you can stop blaming yourself for what happened to her. It's not your fault, Cabot. And, it's not hers, either. It's his."

"I know that," Alex murmured. "That it's his fault I mean. Abbie, what gets said here does not leave here?"

"Never," Abbie agreed.

Alex bit her lip. "I knew when I introduced them that he had a psychological disorder. When he was on meds, he was fine. He was a sweet guy. She was sheltered, had never really gone out much, and did not have many friends. I introduced them to try and broaden her horizons and get her meeting new people. I knew within a week that he liked her. He was her first boyfriend, and I encouraged it until she started withdrawing. She didn't know he was sick. He didn't tell her. He started calling her names, putting her down, breaking her, little by little, and she took it because she didn't know any different. He stopped taking his medications, and I can't remember if I told her he was sick first or if he finally did, but she made it her mission to save him from himself. And, it landed her in a physically and sexually abusive relationship. I landed her in a physically and sexually abusive relationship. I might as well have abused her myself."

"But you didn't," Abbie protested. "It sounds like you care an awful lot about her, Ali. And, I can see you throwing temper tantrums, but I could never see you hurting someone you cared about."

"She doesn't blame me, either. I didn't find out until a year after it happened. She thought I would be so disgusted with her that I would leave her. She completely blames herself."

"And you blame yourself. Does she tell you that she knows it was his fault?" Alex nodded. "Have you thought about seeing a counselor, Alex? Secondary trauma is a real thing. If you've been her support system through this, you could be prone to similar PTSD and other effects of trauma. Plus, your background with your brother would lend you, I would imagine, a greater likelihood of feeling these effects."

"We see a counselor twice a month together. She sees her weekly."

"I mean your own counselor, Alex. It might be good to deal with this stress, especially since I know you're not going to turn Branch's offer down. What happened to your girlfriend, is that why you want to prosecute sex crimes?"

"Yes," Alex confessed. "I figured something had happened to her, but I didn't know what. I just knew about the domestic violence, and I decided I wanted to prosecute that. It was part of Special Victims, but when I found out about the assault, I sort of became aware that what I really wanted was to see sexually abusive people rot."

"Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her what it'll mean to prosecute sex crimes. And, tell her that you might have trouble sleeping once you start because you'll hear stories, every day, that are like hers. If you're both okay with it, come October, tell Branch yes. You'll kick ass in the unit, Cabot. I know you will. But, you're absolutely right. You have to be in a healthy place to prosecute it first."

"Thanks, Abs," Alex murmured. "What would I do without you?"

"Kick ass and take names," Abbie said with a smile. "I have a trial mid-November on a serial sex assault. Whether or not you accept Branch's offer, I would like you to come watch and tell me what you think."

"Alright. Thanks."

Alex was not sure how she would approach Casey about the offer. Casey knew that she wanted to prosecute sex crimes, but neither of them thought Alex would be offered something so vast so early in her legal career. It did not surprise Alex that she was fast climbing her way through the ranks of the District Attorney's office. There had always been that drive behind her political minded set of mannerisms. She wanted to eventually be a Bureau Chief and, possibly, the DA one day. She was every bit a political person whereas Casey wanted to retire a prosecutor.

On one hand, she knew Casey would tell her to go for it. On the other, she did not want to bring more sexual violence down upon herself because they both knew that what they dealt with at work, they were both prone to bringing home. If they made a mistake in a case, it impacted even their home lives. It might not have impacted their romantic life, but their home lives, yes. There were some nights neither woman would say anything because they were so consumed by a trial wherein the defendant was found not guilty, or a mistrial, or any number of other flaws. They were all bound to happen, but it was not the kind of job that truly got left at the desk. It meant that Alex knew she was in for nightmares. She knew, if she accepted the job, her libido would decrease. She and Abbie had talked more than just about the cases Abbie was handling, and the Texan was not shy about sharing, especially knowing Alex wanted in her shoes.

The blonde was grateful for the information. It helped to be educated on the personal side effects, too. But, if she could put just one man away for what he did to a woman, then would it all be worth it? She might have preferred to put Charlie away, but that was simply not an option. He had all but disappeared, though Alex was convinced he was off his medication homeless or else in a facility somewhere. She did not know which, but with his sheer absence from the world, those were the only two likely places she could think of. If she could not actuate justice for Casey, then would it be enough to do so for other victims?

In her own office that afternoon, she chewed on the inside of her cheek until it was raw. She knew enough to know that the law was not always justice. Could she set aside justice, then, for law? It was one thing on a robbery. The telling of that tale was a little different than talking about sexual violence. A rape was its own ball game. It had different rules psychologically and a different impact societally. People did not blame the bank teller for the robbery, but they were happy to blame the rape victim. Maybe it was a safety issue, maybe if it was the victim's fault, it wouldn't happen to the audience. But, regardless, sometimes, she knew, prosecution in those cases was the furthest thing from justice there could be. So, could she ignore justice for the law when it was justice she sought in those kinds of cases, not law?

Deciding she would never know unless she actually made the effort to prosecute, she opted to attempt to figure out the best time to talk to Casey about it. And, since it was a Friday afternoon, she wondered that she had all weekend to figure something out, but she also wanted Casey to have time to really process what it would mean for both of them. If Casey said she was uncomfortable with the idea, Alexandra would not take the position. But, she wanted Casey to be honest with her, too, and she feared that Casey would agree because she knew it was something Alex wanted.

"You're thinking awfully hard about something," a voice broke into her thoughts. Alex shook her head and looked up from the file that was open in her lap. She had not really been reading the file. It was just conveniently comfortable to hold a file in her lap as she thought, pen clenched between her teeth. Casey smiled at her before her small grin faltered. "What's wrong?"

"I was offered a promotion," Alex mumbled.

Casey raised a brow. "That's great, Alex. So, why do you look like some stranger stole all your candy?"

With the joke, Alex could not help but smile. She pulled the pen from between her teeth and set the file on the desk. "I don't know if I can take it," she said. "I'm not sure if I want it."

Pursing her lips, Casey nodded. "Branch wants you to take the position Abbie's vacating, huh?" she asked. It was office wide knowledge that Carmichael was looking to get out of Special Victims. She had had enough, and she seemed prone to liking being McCoy's second chair at any rate.

"Yes," Alex said, watching Casey carefully. Better then then never, she supposed, though she had been hoping to not blurt it out in the middle of her office.

Casey bit her lower lip. "If your hesitation is about Charlie, Alex, please don't." Casey closed her eyes. "Since Abbie made her announcement last month, I kind of figured you would be top pick for the job. You're dedicated, and everyone in the office knows you want it. You'd be good at it, too. I say that based not as a prosecutor as well, but as a victim, a survivor. Your absolute acceptance of me regardless of what he did to me has been my rock these past years, but especially these past few months since I told you about what happened. Everyone exposed to such violence deserves someone like you in their lives. I can't keep you to myself, and I know how you made me feel just by being able to listen when I needed to talk. We're in this job not for the money but to make a difference in one person's life, Alex. You taught me that. I know in SVU, you'll make a difference in a lot more than just one person's life, and I really believe it will be a positive difference. If the only thing standing between you and this job is what happened to me, then I'm telling you to take the position. I would be honored."

Alex smiled softly. "You're so amazing, Casey," Alex mused. "So wise beyond your years, beyond both our years." Casey flushed. "It's not the only thing I have to think about, though it was the biggest concern I had. Thank you. I do want to talk to you about the other things, too, though. Maybe this weekend? Branch gave me two weeks to accept or decline, and if I go into this, I want to go into this having really talked to you about it and really examined what it might mean later on."

"I can respect that. It may mean a lot for your political career, too. Both good and bad depending on where and how you exercise that kind of responsibility."

"Power," Alex corrected.

"Yea, well, that's what I meant."

"Yea, sure. You don't have a political bone in your body."

"I understand politics, dear. I just don't have the same aspirations you do. You've got my full support, though, okay?" Casey closed the office door behind her, sliding onto Alex's lap, her arms around the blonde's neck. She kissed Alex's lips softly, chastely. "We'll talk about these other ramifications you see this weekend, just not in bed and not over a meal, okay?"

"Deal." Alex ran her fingers over Casey's arms, up her shoulders, and along her neck. The red head shuddered. "Can I tell you a secret, though?" Alex whispered. Casey nodded. "If I take the position, I'm really gunna miss having the time to sit and watch you in court all afternoon."

Casey laughed until Alex gently closed her mouth around her collar bone, then the laugh whittled away into a soft moan. "Who says you can't still watch?" Casey asked as Alex nibbled her way along her pale, pale skin, her actions making promises for later.

"Hm, you have a point, counselor," Alex purred, pushing Casey's jacket down her arms and off. "I could just sit and watch you all day long." Alex's mouth closed around Casey's wrist, nibbling and sucking.

Casey moaned. "Alex," she whispered, biting her lip. Alex did not stop, though. Her mouth brought blood rising to the surface of Casey's skin with such practiced ease that between Alex's talent and Casey's already pale skin, a large, blue and purplish hickey appeared on her inner wrist. "I have court."

"You have a jacket," Alex protested, nibbling her way up Casey's arm. The red head did not pull away or protest further. Instead, she was more than happy to settle on Alex's desk as the blonde moved her from her lap and onto the solid wood desk. Alex's nimble fingers made quick work in unbuttoning Casey's blouse, but she did not push the article of clothing off. Rather, her fingers traced Casey's skin just inside the cloth, and a ticklish but turned on Casey could not seem to decide whether to laugh or groan, but, regardless, her eye lids fluttered as she sighed.

Standing, Alex leaned over and kissed Casey in a way that was no longer chaste or innocent. It was full of a driving need, a desire to fulfill every one of Casey's wishes, to have her own wishes granted. Casey returned the same, full force behind her gesture, pulling Alex into her, striving to touch every inch of her mouth, to swallow her down. Alex pushed Casey's skirt up to her hips, pushing her legs apart with her hands, tracing shapes on the woman's inner thighs as she moved her kiss into kisses down Casey's neck and across her collar bone.

Leaning back, Casey clutched the edge of the heavy desk, stretching out her body to Alex's attentions. "We're still in the office," Casey managed to pant out, even as she squirmed.

"The files are safe," Alex murmured, reaching over and pushing them even further aside. "No one's going to come in as long as you don't scream."

Casey groaned, pushing her hips upward as Alex's fingers just barely grazed over her underwear. "I make no promises," she whispered. "Especially not if you're going to tease me like that." Alex pulled Casey's hips closer to her, pressing their upper bodies nearly flush, Casey wrapping her legs around Alex's waist.

Alex's fingers grazed the skin along Casey's bra line, pushing the shirt over her shoulders and down her arms. "Alex?" Casey hissed. "Are you really? In your office?"

Humming her agreement, Alex nodded. "If you will let me, Case," she mumbled. "I have an office with no windows and a solid oak door. If I can't take advantage of that, then what good is not having windows?"

Casey laughed. "You have such a debonair way with words, Alexandra."

"Mm? You think?" Alex giggled, biting Casey's neck.

Casey lifted each hand from propping herself on the desk, letting the shirt fall away to the floor. "Except, if we're going to play in public, I'm not going to be the only one exposed for once," she muttered, pulling Alex's shirt from her skirt and pushed her hands up the blonde's stomach.

"I aim to please," Alex replied, catching Casey's mouth against hers.

Closing her eyes, Casey gave nearly every ounce of control over to Alex, letting herself just feel Alex's body against hers. At one point, she had to focus all of her extra energy into kissing Alex because she was not sure if she would be too loud otherwise as Alex pressed the heel of her palm between her legs, her fingers already buried in Casey's center. Casey clawed at Alex's back, resorting, finally, to biting the blonde's shoulder.

"Jesus, Casey," Alex mumbled as she examined the mark on her left shoulder as Casey lay curled on the couch where Alex had picked her up and set her when she would not stop trembling, even as Alex ceased touching her. The red head was still trying to catch her breath as Alex used tissues to wipe up the blood which had broken when Casey clawed her. "That's a new one on me. Something I do appeal to you?"

From her position on the couch, Casey offered a sleepy smile, tucking her hands up under her cheek as she laid out. Pulling her own shirt and bra back on, Alex straightened the wrinkles in her blouse and skirt before crouching beside Casey, pulling her skirt back down from her hips.

"Alex," Casey breathed as the blonde's fingers tauntingly moved over Casey's thighs. She automatically arched upwards, moaning. "You can't do that. If you do anything else, I can't promise to keep my noise level down. It took everything I had."

"You're slurring," Alex mused. Casey only nodded, closing her eyes. "Don't go to sleep on me. You have court, remember?"

"I know," Casey slurred. "But, I feel so good right now. Don't ruin it."

"At least put your clothes back on, Casey. If you fall asleep, the last thing either of us needs is someone asking why you're naked and asleep in my office."

"Alright," Casey mumbled, holding up one hand.

"I'm not dressing you."

"I'm not moving."

"Exhibitionist."

"I guess," Casey mused, sitting up. "Fine. But, when I'm dressed, will you leave me along to live in the lap of physical luxury?"

"Yes," Alex murmured, kissing Casey passionately, her hands moving over the red head's body, causing her to shudder and twitch. Alex giggled, reaching over to Casey's shirt on the couch beside her and holding it up.

"My bra?" Casey asked, brow raised.

"Mm, no," Alex said, mischievous smile crossing her features. Casey's eyes narrowed. "You're the exhibitionist."

Casey cupped her breasts with her hands. "They're small enough that I doubt anyone would notice I didn't have a bra on," she observed.

"First of all, they're perfect. Second, if no one will notice, why do you need one?" Alex grinned like a Cheshire.

"Because it's cold in the courthouse. That's kind of hard to miss," Casey protested.

Alex raised a brow. "I never noticed."

Casey only smiled. "Fine. But, in exchange, you don't get to wear underwear for your afternoon docket. And, I fully expect you to put your phone in your pocket. And, don't tell me the skirt doesn't have pockets, Cabot. I know it does."

Biting her lip, Alex smiled. "Where did you learn that trick?"

"You're the one that bought me a vibrator, Alex. Did you think I had a functional fixedness issue or something? Anything that vibrates will work." Alex narrowed her eyes. Casey sighed. "Alright, I read it on the internet."

"Under what?" Alex asked, her eyes wide.

"A Yahoo search," Casey said, flushing, the color spreading rapidly from her cheeks to her chest and even to her stomach.

"What did you search?" Alex asked. "Oh, come on, Casey, you haven't blushed like that in a long time."

Casey bit her lip. "I'm sort of a novice, Alex. I have to learn about fun, teasing games from somewhere."

Alex sat back on her heels as she regarded Casey as though seeing her in a new light. "If I had thought you had any interest in such things, Casey, I would have played sooner."

"Well, now you know. So, do we have a deal?"

Smiling, Alex held her hand out. "Deal," she said, and they shook before she stood up and pulled her underwear off, folding it and Casey's bra and placing both garments in her lower desk drawer. She held her phone up to Casey. "It's on vibrate."

Casey reached out, taking the phone, calling it with her own to double check. "Alright. No messing with it. I wanna see how good this Cabot control is. I only have a Motion's Hearing this afternoon. I know you've got a couple of cases. You can bet I'll be stopping in and observing a more senior ADA."

"You are so toast when we get home," Alex said as she tucked the phone into her skirt pocket. "I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into."

"I look forward to every moment of it," Casey said with a smirk.


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: The cuteness! .**

**(41)**

The first time, Alex was sitting down, jotting down notes to argue against the defense attorney in the Motions Hearing they were currently in the middle of. She nearly jumped. She had forgotten that her phone was in her pocket, and as it vibrated the phone call she was receiving, she had to make the best attempt she could at tactfully moving so that she was more comfortable, but, true to her word, she did not move the device or silence it. The faint whirring sound could not be heard, at any rate, in the court room. At least, no one looked at her.

The next time it went off, Alex had been in the middle of an objection, and 'your honor' came out dually toned which caused the judge to give her a sideways look. Quickly, she apologized, coughing slightly, fighting the heat of embarrassment.

The third time it happened was after she had seen Casey slide into the bench behind her. Alexandra Cabot, smooth and svelt, was in the middle of an oral argument, standing behind the little podium where each attorney stood to make his or her respective argument. Her hand tightened on the podium briefly, but her speech did not falter. She had to resist the urge, however, to throw Casey a dirty look. Instead, she tucked her hair behind her ear and continued her argument as though nothing were bothering her.

Of course, it was only natural that the price she paid for that level of control was a consistent buzz for nearly five minutes of which she could barely manage to stand through her argument and then sit when she had finished. Once done, though she yanked her phone out of her pocket and sent Casey a quick text. _Not funny._

The response was quick, and Alex had left her phone on her lap so that she knew when she got one. Fortunately, it was not uncommon for the attorneys to text even though they were arguing before the judge. Usually, it was because they were getting fed information or ideas, not because of a sex game, but the judge did not need to know that. _Actually, _was Casey's response, _very funny. Phone. Pocket. Now._

Twisting in her seat, Alex did offer Casey a stony glare, at least content to see her girlfriend in the back row, arms crossed over her chest. _Cold?_ Alex texted, putting the phone back in her pocket, flashing a grin at Casey, and then turning back around. "Your Honor," she said, smooth as silk and in a manner that made it impossible to tell that she had not been giving her full attention to the argument at hand, "the People would disagree. At this point, I have personally reviewed discovery in this matter, and everything the People have has been made available to the defense. Whether or not Mister Maynard has stopped by our office to pick it up, that I am not certain. Not only that, but the notion that we would shirk our legal duties and hide evidence from the defense that may be exculpatory is quite the exaggeration. Believe me, if I had exculpatory evidence, I would be the first one looking for the real perpetrator."

"Miss Cabot," the judge said before the defense attorney could even open his mouth. "That's not quite the appropriate decorum you've been taught to display in a court room."

"My apologies, Judge Hammond," Alex said with a graceful bow of her head. "My decorum is a little distracted by such vague and unhealthy accusations."

"I would hardly be doing my job if-" defense counsel started, only to be interrupted by the judge.

"Mister Maynard, Miss Cabot, whatever arguments you want to have outside of the courtroom, you may. This court is reserved for legal argument only, not for you to waste my time. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Your Honor," both attorneys chimed. Alex had a difficult time looking genuinely apologetic, though, as Casey called her again. She inhaled slowly through her teeth and exhaled, looking down so that her hair covered her face as she focused on doing exactly that.

"Miss Cabot?" the judge snapped.

Alex bit her lip as the phone stopped ringing. "Yes, Ma'am?"

"Are you with us on this hearing?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Alex said. "Actually, Your Honor, can I have ten minutes?" Alex glanced at Casey whom the judge knew to work at the District Attorney's office as if to imply that there was something she needed to speak with the other Assistant District Attorney about.

"Granted, Miss Cabot. Ten minutes, and not a minute more. Get your head back in this court room with this case now."

"Yes Your Honor. Thank you."

Alex stood, grabbing Casey's arm on her way out. "You, me, talk, now,"

"What? Losing that Cabot control you brag about?" Casey snickered as they slipped into a conference room on the side of the courtroom.

Alex shut the door behind them, twisting the blind on the single window in the door for privacy. The next thing Casey knew, Alex's hands were on either side of Casey's face, Casey's back pressed flush against the wall with Alex's thigh pressed between her thighs. Casey would have sighed if she could have, but her mouth was entirely occupied by the blonde's.

"You have no idea how difficult it is not to squirm, Casey," Alex murmured, breaking the kiss. "You're killing me in there."

Casey smiled, tucking her hands in Alex's hair, weaving her fingers into the strands. "That's the point," Casey said. She groaned as Alex ground her leg between Casey's thighs. "Oh, God, Alex, too much too soon."

Alex smirked, tossing a 'come get me' grin to Casey who moved forward, biting Alex's lip. Casey's mouth quickly went to Alex's jaw and neck, biting, quick, hard, but markless. "Holy crap," Alex gasped. Casey pressed her hand against Alex's hips. "Ten minutes, Casey. Plus, my office is one thing. A court house is another thing entirely."

"I know," Casey purred. "I'm just curious." Casey dragged both hands over Alex's chest, holding on to her collar, kissing her chastely as she slid just a couple of inches down the wall, her green eyes rolling up at Alex. "I mean, Ali, how am I ever supposed to learn what you like?"

Groaning, Alex grabbed Casey's hand. "You know, this started out as an idea to tease you. How the Hell did you learn to turn my games on me when you claim to have never played?"

"I'm an academic, Alex," Casey murmured, her eyes darting from Alex's face to her own hand to Alex's skirt. "You'd be surprised what nerds can learn just by reading."

"I'm dating a nerd," Alex mumbled, letting Casey's hand go as her free hand was already inching her skirt up her leg.

"And I'm dating a social philanthropist equally suited to legal anthropology. Face it, Cabot, you're as much a nerd as I am."

"Just a more experienced nerd," Alex mumbled, freezing as Casey drug her fingers through the wet folds of Alex's sex. "Holy crap."

Casey smiled. "Wow," Casey murmured, her mouth working.

"It means," Alex said, taking Casey's fingers and folding them except the one that had moved through her, her tongue lapping along it slowly, seductively, her lips wrapping around the tip of Casey's finger before she slowly devoured it, her tongue moving skillfully enough to cause Casey to moan. "That I really like it when you tease me."

"I like it when you tease me, too." Casey smiled, taking her finger back and kissing Alex in little, open mouthed kisses. "It's been eight minutes."

Alex pulled her phone out of her pocket and put it in Casey's hand. "Good. I'm going to get back in there and get my work done, and by then, it'll be a half after four, and that'll be plenty close enough to five to go home."

"I hear a promise under that tone of voice, Alexandra," Casey whispered, her eyes dancing, lips curving up in an anticipatory smile.

Alex grinned. "Oh, yea. I have every intention of ravaging you tonight. And, if I can convince you to let go of that last little ounce of control that kept you quiet in my office, I fully intend to make you scream."

"I'll take that challenge," Casey murmured, biting Alex's ear, licking the trace of her lobe, the blond groaning. She whispered the last two words in Alex's ear. "Nine minutes."

Straightening her clothes, Alex bolted out of the conference room and back into the courtroom.

"I trust you're ready, Miss Cabot?" the judge asked, staring down at the prosecutor.

"Yes, Ma'am, my apologies," Alex said, straightening her blouse again.

Without the phone in her pocket, she was able to focus on the rest of the hearing without much trouble. The downside was that she could still feel Casey watching her from the back of the courtroom, her eyes almost boring into her such that even without the phone, it nearly made Alex squirm. She was holding her breath when the judge finally ruled, two motions in favor of the People, one in favor of the defense. Two defense motions denied. Two People's motions denied. Over all, Alex considered it a victory.

Tossing her head indicating for Casey to walk out as well, Alex pulled her little dolly behind her. Biting her lip, Casey followed. "Taking that back to the office, first?"

"Yea. Then, I intend to make you supper. Could you have stared any harder? I swear, Casey, you don't need a damn phone."

Casey smiled. "You know, sometimes, anticipation does all the work."

"Yea, yea. You know what?"

"Hm?"

"You're a brat sometimes," Alex said, sliding her arm around Casey's waist as they walked the few blocks back to the District Attorney's office.

Casey rested her hand on Alex's on her hip. "But, I'm your brat, Alex," Casey mewled, licking her lips and doing the same trick with her eyes that she had done in the conference room, rolling them up to look at Alex through her thick lashes.

"Oh, God, Casey. You're going to have to stop doing that. The innocent thing only works better now that you actually know how to use it."

Smiling, Casey bit her lip. "You were actually attracted to my innocence?"

Alex studiously pressed her lips together. "What I found attractive was your personality, drive, and smile."

"And my innocence," Casey said, laughing. "You had the hots for me because I was naïve."

"Clearly, that's not the only reason," Alex pointed out. "Because, from everything evidenced today, I don't know that anything points to you being innocent."

Casey laughed.

"No. I'm thinking more manipulative. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will show you how every ounce of evidence indicates the defendant, Casey Novak, is guilty of first degree manipulation of her girlfriend and lover."

"And best friend," Casey added.

"And best friend," Alex repeated before pausing and sighing, hands on her hips as she pantomimed exasperation. "You're terrible at this whole pro se thing, Case. My advice? Always get legal representation."

Casey shrugged. "Well, some people have talents. Self-representation is clearly not one of mine."

"Mm. I think you're just being manipulative," Alex purred, unwinding her hand from Casey's waist. "I'll be right back down, then we can go."

"What? I can't come up to your office with you anymore? Casey asked.

"After this afternoon, I'm afraid if we go up there, we won't come down, and I told you that I want to eat you for supper. This is not something I can do comfortably with large wooden desks, office chairs, and an audience of law texts."

Casey raised a brow. "Does talking like a clinician help keep you turned off?"

"No. But, it does keep me distracted from your shirt." Alex popped her brows before disappearing through the secured doors and into the Office of the District Attorney.

Frowning, Casey looked down, and, while she did not see anything unusual, wrong, or out of the ordinary about her shirt, she still felt compelled to cross her arms over her chest as she had in court. At least, outside, it was not cold. Cool, but not cold.

She paced around a little, trying to occupy herself when a hand on her shoulder made her jump.

"Whoa, Novak, sorry to startle you," Abigail Carmichael said. "What are you waiting on?"

"Cabot," Casey answered. "She just had to run up."

Abbie nodded. "I never seem to run into you as often as I thought I would considering I was Alex's mentor."

Casey smiled. "Well, she was mine. I guess she was trying to keep her women apart?"

The brunette haired woman laughed. "That would be an Alex thing to do. Have a good weekend, Casey." Abbie flashed a smile. "Take her out somewhere fun. Alex could use a good relaxation weekend."

Brow furrowed, Casey pursed her lips. "What do you mean, Abbie?"

The other prosecutor bit her lip. "Branch offered her my opening position today. I think it shook her up some."

Casey nodded. "Thanks, Abs. See you Monday."

Abigail nodded, walking off towards the subway, and Casey turned back to the building, her arms folded as she waited, feeling as though Abbie had said something much more cryptic than she had understood her words to be.

Alex followed out quickly, catching Casey's hand as she walked past her. "I'm sorry to leave you waiting. You alright?"

"Yea, fine."

"Liar," Alex murmured. "I had to make a couple of calls. Come on, we're heading south."

"But, we live north of here," Casey said. "Where are we going?"

Alex smiled, holding out a purple cotton bandana. "I feel like I'm going to enjoy this. Let's head to the subway. Once we're down there, how much do you trust me?"

Casey watched Alex out of the side of her eyes. "Um," she said, hesitating for just a moment.

"Casey?" Alex questioned.

Shaking her head as she realized what made Alex use her name in such a tone, Casey was quick to recover. "Alex, no. I trust you. I trust you implicitly, explicitly, with everything. It's not a matter of trust. It's just – it's – I've never – no one has ever asked me that. I mean, not and really meant to hear what I had to say. My dad used to ask me when I was little, right before he threw me into the air. I knew he'd catch me, but he never waited for me to answer. I just – I didn't actually know what to say."

Laughing, Alex wrapped her arm around her lover, kissing her cheek. "Do you trust me enough to guide you?"

"If I were blind?" Casey asked. Alex nodded. "Yes." She nodded, licking her lips. "I trust you on this."

"Okay. If you need me to take it off, I will. But, I want to surprise you. You'll know if you can see it."

Casey laughed. "Okay." She smiled, taking Alex's hand. "What are you doing to me?"

"I'm not doing anything," Alex said, laughing as both women swiped their subway passes. "What are you talking about?"

Licking her lips, Casey shook her head. "No. You do something to me." She grinned, her tongue tracing her teeth as she flushed, though not nearly as dark as Alex had seen her go. "You make me feel safe, wanted, daring. I'm wanting to try things, do things, learn things that I never would have wanted to before. It's not that there's no appeal or that I just didn't know. But, you make me feel safe, not judged, like it's okay to try and if I like it, great. And, if I don't, great. It's in that, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, fluttering up my throat, behind my heart. You do things, Alex. You do things to me."

Alex smiled, kissing Casey lightly as she reached up and tied the blindfold over her eyes. "You okay?"

"Everything looks like a dark purple light," Casey whispered, her lips close to Alex's ear as she wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. "But, it smells like you, like rain and rosemary."

Carefully, Alex moved so that her mouth covered Casey's. She took Casey by the hand, walking her slowly through a typical New York five thirty on a Friday night crowd, leading her back to the stairway. "Ali, where are we going? We haven't even gotten on the train yet."

"I know," Alex murmured, leaning forward and whispered her next sentence such that Casey visibly shivered. "Trust me."

Nodding, Casey said, "I do." And, Alex walked Casey slowly back up the stairs, shuffling slowly at first until they fell into a rhythm of Alex telling Casey when to step and how much further they had to go. Casey stumbled only once, near the beginning of the stairwell before she gave herself over entirely to Alex's words, the feel of their touching skin, the smell of Alex underneath the smell of the city.

"Okay, Casey, put your hands on my shoulders," Alex said as she turned herself around so that she was walking forward. Casey did. Alex grabbed Casey's hands, pulling her forward until they were flush. "Jump on my back."

"What?"

"Trust me."

With a half yelp, half laugh, Casey jumped, wrapping her arms around Alex's upper chest and legs around her waist. Alex laughed. "Alright. Hang on. I'm not trying to grope you, I promise," she said as she reached behind her and straightened Casey's skirt, holding her hands under Casey's bottom. "You feel okay?"

"Can you really carry me?"

"Of course I can, Novak. Just hold on. I'll let you know if I need to put you down." Alex adjusted her hands, and Casey laughed, squeezing Alex a little tighter. In her own skirt suit, Alex trekked through New York City, or, at least, a few blocks of New York City, with another skirt suit clad woman riding piggy back, blindfold over her eyes.

Eventually, she set Casey down, whistling for a cab and guiding the woman in, reaching over and buckling her down. "Keep the address a secret?" she asked the cabbie, unfolding a piece of paper.

"You bet."

"Thanks." Alex gave Casey a quick kiss on the cheek. "We'll be there shortly, I promise."

"I trust you." Casey's body language was passive. She was not tense, waiting for something to happen. She was giving herself over to Alex's control, and the blonde knew it.

Breath on Casey's lips, Alex hesitated, her finger curled under her chin. "I know," she whispered, catching Casey in a passionate kiss. Casey's hands were hardly to herself, and Alex's fingers moved over Casey's arms and legs in the seat of the cab. As they broke apart, Alex leaned in close to Casey's ear and whispered at a volume only Casey could hear. "Exhibitionist."

"Only around you," Casey purred back, resting her head on Alex's arm.

The twenty minute cab ride was spent in silence. Casey did not want to ask where they were going lest Alex arbitrarily change her mind and do something different. The red head would not put it past her lover to do something like that. It would be such a Cabot move. Alex did not say anything because Casey was curled up against her, blowing cool air against her neck, her thumb and forefinger making circles high on her thigh which meant that Alex was actually afraid to speak lest she give herself away in her tone.

The cab pulled to a stop, and Casey heard Alex pull money out of her wallet to give to the cab driver. "Okay, hot shot. Hang on just a second for me. I'll come get you."

"Alright," Casey said, sitting up straighter, tucking her skirt around her legs, suddenly self-conscious of how she must look to the cab driver, sitting there in her little suit, blindfold over her eyes, French kissing a woman in the back of his car. She shifted uncomfortably until she felt Alex's hand in hers, and she clung to it desperately, letting Alex guide her out of the vehicle and wrap her arm around her hip, holding her close. "Ali?"

"Yea, hot shot?" Alex asked.

"Where are we? It smells like the water."

Alex kissed Casey's cheek. "Yep."

"Why are you being so vague?"

With a bright laugh, Alex pulled Casey in front of her, wrapping her arms around her. "We're really close to the water now, Case, so step with me."

Casey nodded, listening to her surroundings with intent. "The water's sloshing up on something, not the beach. A pier?"

"There is that, too."

"A boat?"

Alex laughed. "Stop guessing, honey. Just enjoy."

"Okay," Casey murmured, tightening her fingers in Alex's hands. From behind her, Alex walked Casey forward, licking and then blowing on the back of her neck as they moved.

"Whoa," Alex said as Casey stumbled, her incline changing under her feet. "Don't try to predict, honey. I've got you. I've got you. I'll always. Step down."

Casey did, feeling the ground rock beneath her feet. "It's a boat," she said. "A ferry?"

"Almost. Um. Here. Stay here."

Casey nodded, and Alex wrapped her fingers around a metal bar, kissing the back of her neck very softly. Alex's footsteps retreated, and from the distance, Casey heard the hush murmur of voices, floating across the wind. And, then, the boat she was on started up, and she gasped as the ferry moved forward, the wind blowing through her hair and across her face.

Carefully, Alex's arms wound around her midsection, the red head jumping just a little before she turned her head, grin on her face that she could not get rid of. "Alex, where are we going?"

"You'll see," Alex mused, her hands sliding down Casey's arms to rest on the metal bar beside Casey's fingers.

"I can hear people, off port."

Casey felt Alex's head turn behind her, resting on her back as she leaned on the woman. "You have good ears. They're about four hundred yards out. What else do you hear?"

Licking her lips, Casey listened. "The birds, the water, the wind. People. The hum of the engine." For several seconds, Casey went quiet, and Alex stood again, still pressed close to her girlfriend, but almost listening as well. "Your heart," she finally murmured.

"How can you hear my heart?" Alex asked.

Casey shook her head. "I don't know. I can't, I don't think. I can feel it. It's beating against my ribcage. Alex, I haven't been able to see anything for a good hour. It's like the rest of my senses are making the world more alive. I can smell you."

"Ew."

"No, your body wash. Even at almost seven at night, you still smell like your body wash. Peach. I know what it is. I share a shower with you. But, I've never smelled it on you this late at night before. You always smell like rosemary and fresh air, the same way after a rain storm, especially if you're angry."

"What does that even mean, Case?" Alex asked.

Laughing, Casey shook her head. "I have no idea. I, um. I have no fucking clue." Casey rolled her head against Alex's shoulder behind her, still laughing. "Just go with it?"

"Alright," Alex agreed. "But, only if you tell me what I smell like when I'm happy."

"What kind of happy?" Casey asked.

Pressing her lips together, Alex thought about that. She tried to start several times but failed. Finally, she sighed. "When I first see you, happy."

Casey smiled. "Um, I don't always know. Usually, you're across the room or courthouse. But, I know what you look like."

"What?" Alex asked, curious about how Alex perceived her.

"Well, um, the first thing I notice is your smile because that's how I know you've seen me. You look so serious otherwise. Like, there's this little frown on your face, like you're always thinking about something. But, when you see me, you smile. And, your eyes light up. They're almost lavender, but I can't really see that then. I just know it. I remember seeing them with I wake up in the morning, and that's what I think they must look like at the other end of the hall."

"Poetic."

"Well, you make quite the impression, Alexandra." Casey bit her lip. "At least, in the three years we have known each other, you've made a few impressions, most of which have been life changing for me. You have my first kiss, my first, well, first, my first time clubbing, my, my sexuality. You took who I was and helped make me who I am, shaped me more than anyone has in my adult life. I mean, you have my world, and you've given me so much."

Lips meeting the base of Casey's neck, Alex breathed a small line of air along Casey's spine, the red head shuddering. "I intend to give you the world," Alex murmured. "Close your eyes."

Casey complied, and she felt the bandana removed from her eyes, replaced with Alex's hands. "Now what?"

"You told me you'd never been close to the Statue of Liberty, that you'd always seen it from the land or the air. So," Alex said, moving her hands. "Open your eyes, and I'll show you it from the sea."

With periodic gasping sounds, Casey stared up at the giant statue, eyes wide. "Oh, God. Oh, my God. Alex. This is so, so cool." Casey could not stop staring at the statue, her mouth open. "It's beautiful, more so from the harbor than anywhere I've ever seen it. Thank you, Ali." She finally twisted in Alex's arms, kissing her softly.

"Any time, sweetheart," Alex purred, pulling Casey close to her, burying herself in Casey's hair as she twisted her back around to look at the statue, Casey fascinated by the country symbol, Alex by Casey. "I hope you'll always be happy."

"I think I will," Casey said. "I mean, I've got you."


	42. Chapter 42

**(42)**

Casey stared forward, her eyes just like her brain, distant, unfocused. "Casey?" the man across the table asked her. "Are you paying attention?"

"Huh? Yea," she said, shaking her head as she stared at the public defender. "Sorry, Adam. I can do a lower class felony plea, but given your client's criminal history, it's gotta be a felony, and I'll be asking for at least eighteen months incarceration. Parole after that, mandatory, three years."

Adam Tain pursed his lips as he considered the red haired prosecutor. "High level misdemeanor, still do the parole," he said. "Come on, Casey, you know you wouldn't have offered anything if you really thought my client was the ring leader in this white collar franchise."

"You're admitting guilt on behalf of your client?" Casey asked, brow raised.

"No, Miss Novak, I think you misunderstood. But, we both know your evidence doesn't hold up for the charges."

Casey shook her head, standing as she folded shut the notebook she had been writing in. "If the evidence I had didn't hold up, Tain, I wouldn't have charged him." She held the notebook close to her chest and walked to the door. Stopping, the door just barely cracked, she looked back to the defense attorney. "That offer is on the table until Monday morning, Adam. I suggest you talk to your client about it with some serious consideration. Unless, of course, you want to waive speedy."

Adam frowned. "I'll talk to him about it, Miss Novak."

Nodding once, Casey ducked out of the room and walked briskly down the hall to the elevators. She never did like meeting defense attorneys in court, even if there were conference rooms specifically for that purpose. Then again, she did not like to meet them in her office, either. She preferred, terrible though it might sound, to meet them in their offices. That way, she had the power to walk out when she was done, whether or not the other attorney was finished as well.

Casey walked back to the office, still somewhat distracted. She had not been paying that much attention to the cases she had argued that morning. Nor had she really done much of anything productive the night before despite having taken the files to the apartment she and Alex shared to work on. She had even been out of it enough for Alexandra to make comment on her behavior, both the night prior and on the morning bike ride into the office. She had dismissed it as just being tired, but now that she sat back and thought about it, that hardly seemed the case.

"Who's your admirer, Casey?" June, the financial crimes secretary asked as the prosecutor walked in, her little tote wheeling behind her.

"Huh?"

"I mean, that's an awful lot of flowers to not have an admirer," the woman said, pointing to Casey's office.

The woman pushed open her door to find a bouquet of sunflowers on her desk and daisies, sunflowers, and roses wreathing the office in little bundles. Casey smiled, pushing her dolly into the corner before she walked back to her secretary's desk. "Janie, who delivered these?"

"Some guy in a delivery cap. Uh, hang on." Jane rummaged through the papers on her desk. "I signed for them. Here, Brother's Delivery Service. They're beautiful. Have you been seeing someone? Maybe a first date went well." Jane's brows popped suggestively.

Casey smiled. "A lot more than the first date went well," she purred, turning back around and staring at her office. "And, clearly knows what I need in my day."

"What a guy," Jane murmured. "Where did you find him?"

"Harvard," Casey said.

For a moment, Jane frowned. "Casey, it's not that Charlie guy, is it? The one from back when you were in County? I thought you left him."

"I did," Casey said. "Oh, God, I did. But, Charlie was not the only person I met at Harvard."

"You think it's from him, then."

Smiling, Casey nodded. "I hope so. Because, if it is, that just made my day." Practically skipping, Casey darted back into her office, shutting the door behind her. Using her cell phone, she took a picture of the flowers, sending it to Alex. _Is this your doing?_

Content, Casey slid into her chair, burying her face into the sunflowers on her desk. They were just what she needed to feel like she was hopping back into the game. She did not know why she was distracted except that the heat of the season was wearing her thin. She did not like the hot, humid air, and November started sounding more and more appetizing.

A knock on her door disrupted her, Alex popping in, file pressed to her chest. "Hey, Casey, I was wonder- wow. Someone's special," Alex said, throwing Casey a cheeky grin and a wink.

"Yea, there's one other thing," Casey mused. "Come here and I'll show you."

Alex shut the door behind her, wandering over to Casey's side of the desk, the red head pulling her down into her lap and kissing her. Wrapping her arms around Casey's neck, Alex kissed her partner deeper, striving to taste and touch every part of her mouth, to kiss all the way down to her soul. "Well, isn't that wonderful," Alex murmured as they separated for air. "What a gift."

"How'd you know?"

"Casey, we sleep in the same bed. There aren't many secrets you can keep from me. Especially not when you're having an off day." Alex smiled, dragging her fingers over Casey's jaw bones. She kissed her lightly, nipping her lower lip as she pulled back again.

"I'm so glad I have you," Casey purred, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist and hugging her to her body. "I got lucky."

"Mmhm," Alex mumbled. "You get your passport photos taken?"

"Yep," Casey said, pointing at her desk drawer. Alex leaned over and opened it, pulling out Casey's passport. "That came in yesterday."

"Good because I got the tickets. We leave January twenty fifth for Bali."

Casey grinned. "I can't believe it. You're seriously taking me on a vacation."

"You deserve it. Heck, Case, we deserve it. We deserve a chance to wander around a foreign country at our hearts' content and not be bothered by work here. So, yea, I'm taking you on vacation."

Kissing Alex, Casey moved her attentions down Alex's cheek and jaw, down her neck until she latched on. "Casey," Alex whispered as Casey's tongue flicked over her skin sending little shock waves of electricity through the blonde's body. "You're going to leave a mark."

"Explain that to the judge," Casey whispered against Alex's skin as she bit sharply enough to just barely dent the flesh.

Biting her lip, Alex shook her head. "When did you get so impish, hot shot?" she asked, her tone rhetorical. Casey shrugged and batted her eyes. "You know what? Never mind. I know that look. That look usually precedes something I wish I didn't know."

The red haired prosecutor sighed. "Come on, Ali. We're young. We're head over heels. If I've learned anything, it's to not take that for granted. How many days am I asking for off?"

"We'll be gone for two weeks, so ten days."

Casey raised her brow. "I don't know if we've worked here long enough to have accumulated eighty hours of vacation leave."

"I have," Alex said with a smile.

Pursing her lips, Casey shook her head. "Well, aren't you special?"

"I assume you mean that as rhetoric," Alex mused.

Playful, Casey smacked Alex's arm. "Well, I think you are."

Smiling, Alex combed her fingers through Casey's hair. "I'll tell ya what, if you don't have that much time to take off, then take the other days without pay. It's not like we're struggling to make rent, Casey. Between your paycheck and mine, we're more than settled. Plus, my savings, my trusts, my other accounts. No way are we ever going to be hurting."

Inhaling softly, Casey closed her eyes. "Alex," she said, "we've had this conversation before. I need to be able to support myself. I'm not saying that you'll be the same, but I just need the financial independence to know that I can take care of myself if the need were to ever arise."

It was a small, chaste kiss to the lips, little more meant by it than support. "Honey, I know this. And, I respect it. But, do this, for us? For yourself and because we're young and head over heels. We have the world at our finger tips."

"No. You have the world at your fingertips. I'm tagging along as your girlfriend."

Alex sighed. "I'm not gonna win that one, Casey, but you're never just tagging along with me. Right now, sweetheart, I want you in my world and that means that anything I can touch, so can you. I don't foresee a time in my future right now where I wouldn't want you. I couldn't date you for fun. When we became us as in just you and me, Casey, I told you I wanted to see where this went, to ride it out until the end. It means that until we've ended, I don't see anyone else sharing my world."

With a gentle hug and a hesitant smile, Casey cuddled herself into Alex's collar bone. "I know, honey. I'm sorry. I'm just – I don't know how to be."

"Be you. I love you."

"Sometimes, Ali, I think me pushes too hard for punishment but is surprised people don't take individual responsibility."

"That's not the definition of punishment?" Alex teased, smiling.

Casey pushed her girlfriend from her lap. "For some of these people, yea, it absolutely is."

Gracefully standing as Casey pushed her from her lap, Alex bent over the woman, kissing Casey's forehead. "I better get going, Case. I love you. I'll see you back at the apartment later."

Nodding, Casey looked up, reaching for her girlfriend, bringing her down for a proper kiss, a soul searching kiss. "I love you."

Alex darted out of the office, closing the door behind her, her hand studiously over the forming bruise on her neck. "Hey, Janie," Alex said.

"Hi, Alex," the secretary said, her brow raised. "I trust you got the help you required from Casey."

"She left me with more questions than answers. It's a good thing. I'll ask the defendant later." Alex shrugged, shifting the file in her arm, pulling her hair around her neck and twirling it.

"Uh huh. Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Uh huh."

Before she could flush, Alex scurried out of the economics crime unit and back down the hall and up the stairs to her own office where she quickly shut the door. Not only was explaining a hickey going to take skill to her judge, it was going to take explaining to people in the office who knew her well enough to know that she had not walked in with a hickey that morning.

She bit her tongue, staring at her computer screen. They might have been out in public, but they were not out in the office, and if they kept up through Casey's self-discovery efforts regarding her sexuality, it would be very soon that they would be out to the office. It would not be done in a particularly pretty manner, though. That was what Alex feared. She was not worried about her political future. She had little doubt in her mind that one day, the political culture of New York would be accepting of a gay female. It was actually the female part that more concerned her than the gay part. At least male voters could imagine her with her partner.

Of course, that might be too creepy.

Trying not to think about it, Alex turned her attentions to her computer, scrolling through web pages she had book marked regarding hotels in Bali as well as other vacation activities she wanted to have set up. She wanted the vacation to be perfect, her anxiety over the fact that it was their first as a couple, and even though they had been dating for greater than three years, their relationship had only really taken off in the past year. She was concerned that it might be too fast and too much for Casey, though her recent, playful acts would suggest otherwise.

Plus, they were living together. A vacation together seemed more like a step backwards. Vacations together tested compatibility in preparation for living together. She was already certain of the latter, so it was an informal matter.

"Oh, I like that one." Alex clicked through a series of photographs of a small hotel in Bali that caught her interest in part because it was more remote than most tourist stays yet close enough to tourist sites to be accessible, in part because it was small and would not have many guests.

A few quick strokes of the fingers, and she had a room reserved at the result of two weeks' worth of searching for a great hotel on the off chance that Casey would not want to leave the hotel on one or two of the days they were in Bali. Sometimes, a vacation was more than just sight-seeing. In fact, Alex had never been fond of vacations that caused more stress than staying home did.

Having already caught up on the majority of her files, Alex spent the next two hours browsing the internet, mostly resolved to take the remaining ones home with her that night to work on her motions at the apartment. She found that when she needed to do some serious research on a case, the sanctity of her home always made it easier. In part, it was the quiet. In part it was because, often, Casey was working, too. And, in part, it was because she felt calmer, more refreshed and ready to take on the world when her partner's hip was pressed against hers as they both chewed at pens, staring at files that were supposed to decide people's lives.

Around four o'clock, she gave up her internet search and packed her shoulder bag with her more pressing cases as well as cases docketed for the following morning at the court house.

"Mary," she said, popping out of her office and around the corner to her unit's secretary. "I'm headed out. If anyone needs me, I'll still be available by email, but I'm going to work from home tonight for a few hours."

"You got it, Al. Have a good night. See you tomorrow."

"You , too, Mare."

Alex padded back over to Casey's office, Jane absent from her desk, so Alex walked in without the formalities of knocking that she usually pursued. "Casey?" she asked, pushing the door open.

"Hm?" Casey looked up from her computer, stopping the panicked pleas for assistance emitting from her computer. Alex recognized the symptoms. She was listening to a 9-1-1 call for one of her cases where the suspect had been captured because he pulled a knife on his roommate. Alex would never understand the stupidity of some criminals. On top of the economics crimes, Casey had charged him with felony menacing with a deadly weapon and attempted manslaughter.

Alex licked her lips. "I'm headed home. You able to get out of here early?"

"Yea. Let me pack up. Can you stand listening to a 9-1-1 at home?"

Nodding, Alex sat in the chair across from Casey's desk as the woman ejected the CD and began packing up. "Why are we out of here early?" Casey asked.

Alex shrugged. "I have no idea. I just can't focus, hot shot."

"You sure you'll be able to focus better at home?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Casey shrugged. "You, me, home, alone. Hot fall day shortly before winter." Alex pursed her lips. "Alex, if you were a guy, I'd be pregnant by now."

"You don't know that," Alex giggled. "If I were a guy, I'd use a condom, anyway."

"Thanks. I appreciate it. But, I think if I hadn't jumped the Catholic faith and you were a guy, then there'd be no, um, preventative measures."

"Then it's a good thing I'm not a guy."

Casey snickered. "Very good." Leaning over the desk, Casey raised her brows at Alex who stood up, catching Casey's lips as she stood, pulling them both into a tight, demanding kiss. Smiling, Alex pressed her forehead to Casey's, her fingers webbing through the hair at the base of Casey's skull. With a grin of her own, Casey bit her lip. "Very, very good."

"You know, I never thought I'd be here, with a woman, the same woman for four years."

"Then, we have something else in common."

Laughing, Alex took a step back. "Let's go home and change. I think I have an idea for a fun distraction."

"You actually mean change into another set of clothes, don't you?"

"Jeans and a top, yep," Alex said, kissing Casey's cheek quickly.

Casey licked her lips, chewing at the lower one. "Ali, did Mary see you leave?"

"Yea, why?"

"Um," Casey said, gesturing to her own neck. "It's dark purple, Al."

"It's a good thing Mary was the only one."

"Yea," Casey purred. "Let's go." She took Alex's hand, briefly, squeezing before letting go. "You have captured my intrigue."

Alex laughed. "Very good."

The entire subway ride to the apartment, Casey tried to get Alex to tell her what her idea was, what kind of surprise she had up her sleeve. By that point in their relationship, Casey ought to have known that Alex would not tell her. Of the many ideas that popped into Alex's head in terms of surprising Casey, she had never once failed to make Casey smile or laugh or feel good. She had never once failed to come through for Casey and the red head understood the significance of that, the level of dedication.

And, maybe it was because of the sheer depravity she had experienced that she knew that what Alex did for her was above and beyond what most women or men did for their girlfriends. Casey knew that so much of what Alex did for her, too, though, had far more to do with simply dating, despite Casey's naivety in the subject.

"Does it involve a live animal?" Casey asked, setting her brief case by the kitchen table beside Alex's before following her into their bedroom.

"Do you count as an animal?" Alex asked.

"No," Casey said, managing to sound playfully annoyed.

"Then, I can't answer that."

Huffing, Casey stripped herself of her jacket and button down blouse, leaving herself standing in a pink lacy bra and black skirt, lower lip in her mouth as she glared at Alex.

"Aw, honey, are you really mad?" Alex purred, stepping up to Casey, her fingers brushing Casey's hips as she pressed the two of them together.

Casey did not answer as Alex began kissing along Casey's jaw and neck, nibbling and licking intermittently. Her lips brushed along Casey's collar bones, a cool trail of air following as she blew gently over her flesh. The red head tried to keep up her angry act, but it quickly melted to pieces as Alex's mouth moved over her sensitive flesh.

Hooking her fingers over the hem of the skirt, Alex traced from Casey's hips over her stomach to her navel. From there, her hands moved up and her mouth moved down, meeting at the material covering Casey's breast, the slightly younger woman groaning, her hands in Alex's hair.

Alex pushed her hands up over both of Casey's breasts, taking the fabric and straps down with her fingers as she moved back down, catching Casey's already erect nipples between her fingers as she moved. Casey's breathing hitched, and she moaned at the attention. Alex's quick. Attentive fingers made short work of the remainder of Casey's clothing, the blonde pushing her partner back on the bed, mouth finding the spot on Casey's stomach that made her make involuntary noises in the back of her throat.

"Oh, Alex," Casey sighed as Alex moved over Casey's hips, tracing her pelvic bone with sharp, quick bites. Sitting up somewhat, Casey pulled on Alex's shirt, insisting with her movements that she wanted Alex closer, the blonde complying as she met Casey's lips with her own.

"I want you naked," Casey whispered between kisses, her fingers undoing the buttons on Alex's shirt. She pushed the light blue fabric over Alex's shoulders, Alex helping to remove the articles of clothing layered over the shirt as well. The shirt and jacket fell to the bed where Casey unceremoniously pushed them to the floor.

Climbing so that she was straddling Casey, Alex smiled down at the woman. "You know what I love?" Alex murmured, her hands exploring. "I love the way your smile tastes."

Casey smiled, flushing moderately. "I love that you can make me smile," she answered, reaching around and unsnapping Alex's bra.

Laughing, Alex slid from Casey's body, stripping herself of her clothing before resuming her position straddled across Casey's thighs. Alex pulled the pins from the bun in her hair, tossing them on the floor with her clothes. While she was so distracted, Casey sat up, encompassing one of Alex's nipples between her teeth.

Alex groaned, her eyes rolling slightly. She wound her hands into Casey's hair, pulling her close momentarily, panting, before she tugged at Casey's hair, silently requesting that Casey move her head upward. Pressing her hips into Casey's hip bones, Alex groaned. Casey pressed kisses into Alex's chest, moving up her sternum and up her neck.

She felt her eyes roll into the back of her skull as Casey's teeth captured her ear lobe, tongue flicking over the skin of her ear, a particularly sensitive part of the body for the Cabot. Alex moaned as Casey's mouth moved to cover the hickey she had given her earlier. Despite Alex's hold on Casey's hair, the red head was still in control of her hands, and the moan turned into short gasps and yelps of pleasure as Casey's fingers slid between their two bodies, finding the small bundle of nerves pressed on Casey's hips.

Still nipping at Alex's hickey and ear, Casey buried her fingers inside of Alex, twisting two fingers together. Alex gasped, her hips bucking of their own accord, Casey's name staggered on her lips.

Their sexual relationship was always phenomenal. Casey was eager to learn from Alexandra's teachings and learn from other, more literate, sources. Alex was open to being experimented on as Casey grew more and more confident with her sexuality. It also meant Alex was challenged to get creative from time to time. Coupled with the two women's uncanny sense of the other woman, and it kept things interesting between them.

Slumping against Casey, Alex panted, trying to catch her breath, her hands still wound both around Casey's back, pulling her close and in Casey's hair. Casey's fingers were trapped between them, Alex's muscles tight and refusing to relax. Turnabout was probably only fair, but Alex was not accustomed to being the one left trembling.

"Breathe, Ali," Casey whispered, kissing Alex's neck. Alex yelped. Casey's mouth closed over Alex's ear lobe, and in a few seconds of torture, Casey's back bore almost matching marks to the healing scratches on Alex's back. "Can't do it, can you?" Casey licked up Alex's ear lobe, the blonde going rigid in her lap. "I'm a fast learner."

Alex's only response was to whimper.

As Casey wiggled her fingers, just slightly, Alex's grasp on her hair tightened, and Casey let out her own involuntary moan.

It was well after dark when the two finally separated, bodies tingles and spasms. Casey's eyes fluttered as she curled into Alex's body. The bedroom smelled of sex, sweat, and vanilla, and even that alone was intoxicating enough that it was only making it more difficult to come down from the sexual high they were both riding.

Alex tipped Casey's chin up, kissing her passionately. There was the sharp taste of sweat and each other mingled into the kiss. Casey moaned into Alex's mouth. "I can't," she whispered. "I can barely move."

"Then don't. Let's just cuddle. We have to be up at eleven and out of here by one for my surprise."

Despite herself, Casey smiled. "It's almost ten, Alex. What are you planning?"

"You'll find out," Alex whispered.

"I need a cold shower," Casey mewled. "It'll help me wake up. Give me ten minutes to be able to walk."

Alex smiled, kissing a trail along Casey's spine. They managed to leave at one, but it was unclear exactly how much cleaning had actually occurred in the shower. Alex was feeling somewhat drained, but her excitement for the early morning hours kept her functioning. Casey, on the other hand, seemed fully recovered, and Alex found herself feeling a little jealous of Casey's rebound ability.

"You are some energizer bunny," Alex murmured, wrapping her arm around Casey's waist, playing with the fabric of her jeans against her hip.

Casey smiled, her eyes fluttering on the border of exhaustion. "You keep up and give me a run for my money, Ali."

"Well, at least we know we're sexually compatible."

Laughing, Casey shook her head as the two hopped the subway heading north from the apartment. "So, where are we going?"

"Indulge me," Alex purred.


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N: Because you are so awesome, here's a second chapter. Still on the fence with this one. Just kind of fun stuff, exploring some other avenues of writing on a personal level. Let me know what you think. I think it switches it up from the overly sexualized chapters previously without breaking out of the theme of the story. A little side story, if you will. **

**(43)**

Alex led Casey through the wooded area of the park, following the trail of glow sticks that Casey had noticed were hung every few feet since they entered the area. "You said you wanted to be adventurous, Casey," Alex giggled. "Well, come on. It'll be a ton of fun."

"Alright," Casey said, though her grip on Alex's hand did not loosen. "I feel like I'm about to go out to a haunted house."

"Maybe a little," Alex mused, stopping in the woods and turning, pulling Casey close to her. "But, I promise I won't let the ghosts hurt you." In the light of the glow sticks, Casey's eyes were almost electric as they looked over Alex, the red head biting at her lip. "You okay?" Casey nodded. "Okay. It really will be fun. It's been years since I did this, and I've never taken anyone with me."

"What is it, like some kind of secret Cabot thing?"

"No, not really. I just never had anyone I wanted to take until now." Alex kissed Casey, gently, chastely. "Come on. We're going to be late."

"Alex, it's nearly two in the morning. What could we possibly be late to?"

Without replying, Alex took Casey's hand again and continued pulling her along the lit trail until they spilled out onto a path, an old fashioned black street carriage in front of them. The driver was dressed in all black except for the white mask that covered his face.

"Alex," Casey said, staring at him, the darkness and shadows thrown by the lantern on the carriage occluding the man's face.

"It's okay, Casey. It's part of the fun. Go with it." Alex reached over to the driver and handed him a card from her back pocket. The man took it, nodded once, and handed it back. Tucking it back into her pocket, Alex waited as the man stepped down from the driver's perch. "So, the blindfolds are part of the game."

Alex took one of the blindfolds from the man, holding it out to Casey. "I don't want to do anything that's not okay, Casey."

The red head looked at the blindfold with some trepidation. "It's just the two of us in there?" she asked. Alex nodded.

"When we get to our destination, someone will lead us inside and take off the blindfolds. But, I'll be right here with you. And, Casey, it's a game. If you get freaked out and need to stop, you can. We can."

Casey hesitated, but she nodded, turning to let Alex tie the purple silk around her eyes. A moment later, everything was swallowed by darkness, and she became acutely aware of her own heartbeat. "Alex?"

A hand slid into hers, and Casey squeezed the familiar warmth. "Trust the driver to help you into the cab, Case. I can't do it since I'm blind, too."

"Okay," Casey said, another hand taking her free hand and guiding her to the steps and into the horse drawn cab. "You have some strange games, Ali." She heard Alex clamor up into the cab, sighing with relief as she felt her lover's knees touch her own. "Ali?"

"Sh," Alex murmured, her fingers finding Casey's cheek, tracing her jawline from memory. "Don't talk. Just listen." Casey nodded, and Alex switched sides of the cab so that she was sitting beside Casey, the redhead falling comfortably into Alex's embrace. It might have just been a game that Alex had played many times, but Casey was still nervous.

"Good morning, Alexandra," a voice purred. It had a somewhat mechanical sound to it, but Casey still jumped. Alex rubbed Casey's arm soothingly.

"Good morning, Melinda," Alex chirped, her tone stating that she was clearly familiar with the woman. "Up to your old tricks, still?"

"Mm. But, isn't technology a wonderful thing? I don't have to send anyone to ride with you anymore. I'm glad you and your partner could join us this morning."

"I trust I was the last call?"

"You are our youngest member. Well, your partner is our youngest player this weekend. It's been a while, do you remember the rules?"

"Yes," Alex replied. Casey nudged Alex, still remembering Alex's instruction to just listen. Alex squeezed Casey's hand but did not ask that the rules be repeated.

"Good. You'll have approximately forty five minutes to explain them to Casey before you arrive at your destination. The others have already settled in and are expecting you. Once you arrive, your situation will be explained. Good luck."

"Mel, are you playing?"

"Operating, dear. Stephen will be playing. Casey, I understand you have a bit of a personal history with violence. Alexandra did not explain much, but if you need out, you let Alexandra or Stephen know. We will accommodate."

"Thank you," Alex said.

The hum of the speaker phone went quiet. "Alex, what is she talking about?" Casey asked.

"Okay, so Melinda and Stephen Ashton are friends of mine who host murder parties, scavenger hunts, and the like for other somewhat elite and elite members of New York. I'll make introductions to you when we get there, though it's been a couple of years for me, so I might not know everyone."

"Wait, Ashton, as in the Ashton Historical Group?"

"The same," Alex said. "Most of the privately owned historical buildings are owned and renovated by Melinda and her husband. They do all the upkeep, so it saves the city a ton of money in the long run and leaves most of the city open for entertainment purposes that suit them. Usually, our destination is a historical site of some kind. Being the youngest, I am the last to receive an invitation and the last to arrive. Usually, Mel gives twelve hours' notice, and no one actually has to accept. It's fun, though. The scenarios can be anything and anywhere. The rules are pretty simple. Because these are actual historical venues, you can't alter or damage the site, typical legal stuff. Stephen's playing which basically just means he's acting as our guide if we get stuck, particularly if it's some kind of mystery game. Some of the guests may not be guests in that they're in on whatever Mel's got planned. Or, none of them could be in on it. It can be really hard to tell. We'll turn in our cell phones when we get there. No outside calling allowed. Depending on how big the site is and the scenario, we might get walkie talkies."

"How long does it last?" Casey asked, lacing her fingers in Alex's as the carriage went over a particularly irritating bump.

"Usually until Sunday evening, and we all go out to one of Sully's restaurants after, especially if he played."

"You told them about my background?"

"Only that you have had experience with interpersonal violence. I did not tell her what happened. I just wanted her to know in case there's anything that might be more hands on. If there's a murder issue, there have been scenarios where one of the guests is the murderer. If she does something like that, I want the person to know so that they maybe don't grab you. It's supposed to be a little traumatic, but even though you haven't had a panic attack in a long time, I don't want you to have one. Also, if you need, you let me know or you let Stephen know you need out, and we'll call it done. No harm in that, Casey. We can go home at any time."

"Okay."

Alex squeezed Casey's hand again. "So, everyone who comes is usually from diverse backgrounds. Majority of the people are lawyers, doctors, professors, business executives, and other kinds of high ranking members of intellectual society. That said, we're supposed to use what we know as part of the game. That said, if you know something useful, use it. Don't be shy about it. You have an awesome intellectual background, so, seriously, use it. Usually, the scenarios aren't competitive per se. It's not a first person to do something kind of game. They're more like survival games. You can ask anyone anything throughout the weekend if you have questions."

"Is sleeping part of the game? We've been up twenty two hours."

"Yes. It can be. No one's going to force you to stay up, but some of these places and games make it difficult to sleep. If you need out for anything, Casey, you just let me know."

"Alright."

The cab pulled to a stop, the horse nickering almost in protest. "We're here," Alex teased, kissing Casey's cheek. They both heard the cab door open, and Casey stretched her hand toward the sound, a large hand covering hers, though the feel was more like leather gloves than actual skin. She followed the guiding hand out, her feet landing on solid ground, though the rocks crunched beneath her feet.

"Alex?"

"Right behind you."

Their escorts walked them up a set of steps and through a door, the doors latching behind them.

"I'm going to take your blindfold off, Casey," Alex said, brushing Casey's cheeks and hair with her fingers before sliding the silk slip off. Casey blinked. The room was lit by candle light and smelled sterile but dusty. There were another seven people in the room with them, and Casey looked at them. "Casey, this is Stephen, Melinda's husband."

Casey shook hands with the man. She was then introduced to the remaining six people which meant that Alex knew them all.

"Look at that," the man named Andrew said with a broad grin. "The wild Alexandra has been tamed by a red head."

Casey flushed.

"I don't know about tamed," Alex quipped. "Casey's her own sort of wild." She grinned at Casey.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you," Jillian said from her seat. "It's about time Alex thought about settling down. What do you do?"

"I'm a prosecutor in financial crimes."

"Oh, wonderful," the woman answered. "I guess you two are fit like peas in a pod."

"Yea. Uh, where are we? I've never been in here before."

"It is New York," Stephen answered. "But, since you're now all here, take a seat. I'll give you the scene." They complied, pulling up the chairs scattered around the room. It was nothing fancy. "Welcome to Saint Anthony's hospital. This particular hospital has been shut down since the early nineteen hundreds, treating its last patient in 1912. Rumors of it being haunted and persons going missing inside the hospital prevented its conversion into anything else. Stories from the 1930s say that construction workers and movers who attempted to clean out and renovate the hospital disappeared for days and turned up dead on the grounds later, though cause of death was never discovered. Some of the original equipment has been removed, but nothing has been added except for the chairs you're sitting on. Your task this weekend is to put an end to the rumors by not going missing. Not counting the basement, this hospital has seven floors, each one is labeled. On these grounds, there is a church which has been reported used by Satanic worshipers enabling the haunting, and a convent where the nuns who worked in the hospital stayed. All exterior doors lock at sunrise."

Casey sighed. "Well, at least it's not a psychiatric hospital."

"The third floor was the psych ward," Stephen said with a grin. "Reports are that patients killed themselves there, some even jumping from windows to commit suicide. This hospital survived a hundred and fifty years before being shut down. If there is truth to the ghost stories, then there are plenty of ghosts, not all of them happy, I'm sure."

Shivering, Casey clutched to Alex's hand. She was excited, but frightened, never having done something like this. Alex leaned over and kissed Casey's cheek. "It's a game."

"Saint Anthony is a Catholic Saint, Ali. And, I believe in ghosts."

"I'll keep you safe," Alex said.

A brunette woman leaned forward in her seat, catching Casey's eyes. "Honey, we all believe in ghosts here," she purred. "Although, from a professional standpoint, this is a unique opportunity. I'm thrilled to explore the hospital a little. It hasn't been open to the public since the thirties."

"I'm sure we'll find evidence of graffiti from teenagers, Lydia," Andrew joked.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Jillian asked. "Let's go explore."

"I'm game," Alex agreed, standing and grabbing a candle. "I've never been in an old hospital before. Kind of exciting."

"Wait, don't leave me," Casey said, hooking a finger through Alex's belt loop as the woman disappeared into the dark hallway. There seemed to be no running electricity at that moment, though the traveling candles from the excited and curious guests followed them around, bouncing light off the white hallways.

They spent the better part of the next hour wandering the hospital, splitting up as their interests took them to different realms and meeting back up.

"You know," Casey said as she walked beside Alex, looking into the patient rooms in the cardiac ward, "as a Catholic hospital, this place is shaped like a cross."

"Really? That's kinda cool," Alex said, opening the door to a storage closet and jumping back as a wooden broom clanged to the ground. A loud squeak announced a mouse as it ran across the floor seeking new refuge. "Whoops."

Casey laughed.

A scream echoing down the hall stopped her laughter short, though, and the two women looked at each other briefly before taking off running in the direction of the scream. Alex's best guess was that someone had seen their reflection in a window and gotten spooked, but it was best to be safe and make sure they had not fallen and been injured.

They stopped running at a room, Jillian standing outside, her skin so white it was almost translucent. She was panting like she could not catch her breath, and both Lydia and Andrew were already at her side, trying to calm her down.

"Did you see your reflection?" Todd teased. "Maybe think it was a ghost?"

Jillian shook her head, pointing at the room.

Alex shrugged, opening the door again, holding her candle out. "Hey, um, Lydia," she said. "Doc, can you come here?"

Lydia pushed herself up beside Alex, the others now curious. "Oh, wow."

"What?" Andrew asked. He had stayed away with Jillian, the anthropologist clinging to him like a life line.

"Is that real?"

"I think so," Lydia said. "If it is, I really hope it's pigs blood and not human blood."

"Why?" Michael asked. "It's kind of cool."

"If it's pig's blood," Alex answered, "then it's a prop. If it's human blood, then it's at least seventy years old."

"Ninety," Stacy corrected her.

Alex shook her head. "Possibly murdered cleanup crew workers in the thirties. What do you think, Lyd?"

"It would need to be tested for sure, but this is very, very dry. Look." She blew air across a metal table where blood was streaked, and the blood flaked off. "I'm hoping it's pig's blood, and Mel had this planned for a while."

"Hey, um, not to spoil the sense of security there," Andrew piped, having transferred Jillian to the floor so he could look, "but do any of our history buffs here know why the hospital was shut down? Or how quickly everything was moved? I mean, who leaves all of the materials in a hospital?"

"He's got a point," Alex murmured. "Casey and I were in the cardiac ward, and it looks like all of everything is still there, linens on beds and everything."

"Of course, that could be set up that way," Jillian said, having regained herself at the calmness of her comrades. "I mean, this is supposed to be a weekend in a haunted hospital."

"Yea, but what if it isn't?" Todd asked. "Lydia said it already, we all believe in ghosts. That includes Stephen and Melinda."

"None of us believe ghosts can kill people, though."

"It's still a lot of blood. What ward is this? If it's fake, then there's a reason they put it in here."

Casey walked to the end of the hall where the entry to the ward lay. Holding up her candle, she read the plaque. "It says maternity and infant," she called out.

"Explains why it's smaller," Lydia said. "In the early nineteen hundreds, it would have been less popular." Lydia paused. "Hey, this place has been around since the eighteen hundreds, right?"

"Sure," Todd answered. "Late seventeen hundreds if you do the math right. Why?"

"Well, it's just that the center of the hospital would have been the original building, added onto over the years as medical knowledge expanded and professionals started to specialize."

"Why do I sense a but?" Casey asked as she rejoined the group.

"But, the way this hospital is laid out, I feel like it's too specialized."

"So you think Stephen lied about it closing in nineteen twelve."

"No," Lydia said. "I don't think he would do that. Historians like him have a difficult time lying about history. Maybe if Mel had told us the story, but –"

"Where is Stephen, anyway?" Casey asked. "We all came running at the scream. As the host, wouldn't he have as well in case someone was injured?"

"Not necessarily," Alex said. "Mel's friend Calvin is an ace electrician. He's probably installed cameras in here that don't disrupt the historical requirements of the law which means that Mel and Stephen could be watching us. They would know exactly why Jillian screamed and know that she's okay if they saw her exit the room."

"You think they've explored the place?" Stacy asked.

"Probably only in the light of day. They do believe in ghosts," Andrew said. "Hey, doc, is there a test that can differentiate human blood from animal blood?"

Lydia rolled her eyes. "There's a precipitin test, but I would need a rabbit and some time for that. Why don't we call it pig's blood and say it's fake. That'll help me when moving on."

"Yea," Alex agreed. "I'm okay with that."

Casey was the first to move to shut the door. "If a historical committee finds blood in a place like this, do they have to clean it up?" she asked Alex.

Alex shook her head. "No. Not if the place is closed to public access."

"But, we're public," Jillian said.

"No, we're not. We're specifically here at the request of the building's owners. An entirely different legal schematic."

"So, it could be human blood."

"It's not," Andrew said, sounding certain. Alex raised a questioning brow. Andrew tossed his head to Jillian's sheet white appearance.

"No, it's not," Alex agreed. "It would be just like Stephen and Melinda to pull something like this. I mean, they do know us all very well."

"Ever feel like a Guinea Pig in someone else's experiment?" Michael asked.

Todd laughed. "Why do you think we keep getting invited?"

"All the same," Stacy piped, "maybe we should stick closer together?"

"I second that," Casey said. "I'm a little creeped right now."

Alex took Casey's hand. "It's just a game, sweetheart."

"Nevertheless."

"It's an intrinsic human reaction," Jillian said. "Even though our developed frontal lobes can rationalize what we see in there, something primordial within us still sees the predator-prey concept, and blood triggers that."

Andrew added, smiling, "Then, I'm really glad that none of us tried to hurt the others as a reaction. At least we know we're a room full of prey."

"I don't know if that makes me feel any better," Stacy said.

Alex shrugged. "Maybe we should just go hang out in the front room."

"All weekend?" Lydia asked. "Shit, Cabot, where's your sense of adventure? Don't you want to see what other effects Melinda concocted? Theatrics is kind of her specialty."

Alex grinned. "Maybe having a series of logical, rational people on this trip was not the best party idea?"

"Yet, haunted houses are so successful, year after year," Stacy pointed out.

"Fine. Then, let's go check out the psych ward," Alex said with a grin. "I mean, come on, if you're going to make theatrics, where else would be a better place?"

"The church," Andrew said.

Casey frowned, staring at her candle. "Hey, um, do we have more candles for the weekend?"

Stacy shook her head. "The front room had enough for each of us to have one. I haven't seen any extras."

"Then, at the risk of being left in the dark tomorrow night, maybe some of us should blow ours out and buddy up? If we're traveling in a group and all, anyway."

"Casey's right," Todd agreed. "We need to conserve. We still have tomorrow night to get through, and I'd hate to think what kind of in the dark terrors Melinda would orchestrate if we couldn't see worth shit." He blew out his candle. Casey, Lydia, and Michael followed suit leaving Alex, Lydia, Stacy, Jillian, and Andrew with candles. "Maybe we should consider other resources as well. None of us asked about food or water."

"Kitchen?" Stacy asked. "Doc, did hospitals have kitchens way back when?"

"They would have to," Lydia said. "Back on the first floor, I would guess, probably somewhere near the center so that the kitchen could be used dually to help heat the place. Plus, I would think it would be somewhere near the original structure of the hospital."

Jillian nodded. "If I remember, the stairwell is this way," she said, taking point in their line. They filed out in a cross between a line and a group, naturally spreading out the light without really thinking about doing so intentionally.

Taking Casey's hand, the red head whispered to her lover, "I'm not tired anymore."

"Were you tired to begin with?" Alex murmured.

Casey shrugged. "I could have gone to bed."

Alex laughed. "Maybe after sunrise?"

"I doubt it," Casey mumbled. "Pig blood or not, there's a reason I jumped at the chance to be included in the more white collar crimes."

Alex laughed. "I know, honey. That's why I thought this would be fun." The two fell back to the rear of the group, Casey feeling secure in Alex's grasp, and Alex understanding that not everyone wanted to be privilege to their conversation, even if it was a whispered one.

"Really?" Casey said. "A night of fucking followed by a morning of sheer terror? Alex, I never thought you would have it in you."

"I'm a devious bitch?" Alex quipped with a grin.

"Ah, to be young again," Todd mused.

Casey flushed. "Um. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We're all intellectuals here."

"She's new to the sexuality."

Jillian stepped back. "Oh? Only ever been with men before Alex?"

"Uh, um," Casey stammered, going dark, dark red.

"Yea, by sexuality, I meant anything sexual."

"Not true," Casey blurted. "We've been together for four years."

"Sleeping together for two."

"No wonder you didn't join any of the parties," Jillian said. "You found one woman to keep you happy. You didn't need us for an adventure."

"Guys," Casey mewled, "can we not talk about my sex life?"

"You brought it up," Stacy said.

Alex bit her lip. "So, I am kind of the slut of the group," Alex said. "And, being that the group is small –"

"Alex has had a sexual relationship with every woman in this place, including Melinda," Lydia said, turning to look at Casey. "It's why we're all impressed by you. Some of us want to know what makes you different." Lydia quirked a brow at Alex.

"She makes better toast," Alex said, playfully defending her choice.

"Some of us aren't complaining," Todd said.

Casey looked between Alex and a couple of the other people, not shocked at the easy sexual banter between all of them because Alex was talented in that nature outside of the work environment, but still surprised. "Why do I get the feeling you guys are referencing some kind of orgy party? Um, Alex."

"Relax, hot shot. You did bring up sex." She pointed to Jill, Andrew, Michael, Stacy, Lydia, and Todd in turn. "Anthropologist. To her, sex is cultural. Forensic psychologist. He's studying you, watch out for him. Maths professor, hence why he hasn't said anything. Publicist, a surprisingly sexually active career path for someone not in porn. Doctor. She gets some whenever she wants it. I mean, hot doctor. Nuclear engineer. He's probably not getting any and wants to live vicariously through everyone else."

Casey shook her head. "I would find a strange group of people who could talk about sex after seeing a room full of blood."

"We're using sex to distract ourselves from the blood," Andrew pointed out. "It's a release that doesn't have to be intellectual, just like how our reactions to the room were not intellectual. Jillian, didn't you say the stairway was over here?"

"Told you he was analyzing you," Alex murmured to Casey, though in a stage whisper so that everyone there could easily hear.

"There," Jillian said, holding her candle out, the light swallowed shortly in front by the winding stairwell.


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: This kind of gives me ideas for a different story. Heh. **

**(44)**

"Well, that didn't work out so well," Stacy muttered, pulling on the door to the third floor psych ward and finding it to be locked. "Why lock it? I mean, they had to know we'd come up here."

"Part of the mystery?" Andrew suggested. "Forbidden fruit style."

Casey smiled. "Oh, forbidden fruit. I know all about that."

"She's Catholic," Alex explained, humor in her voice. She ribbed Casey gently on their shared step, and the red head giggled.

"Yea, that's it," Casey mumbled. "So, do they expect us to pick the lock or what?"

"Can you pick locks?" Jillian asked, stepping down and making room for Casey to examine the lock.

The woman of Irish decent stepped up and examined the keyhole. "I think I could pick this," she said. "It's definitely newer than the early 1900s, though. I'd say around the fifties."

"How do you figure?" Michael asked. "I thought you were a lawyer."

"I am," Casey answered. "Does anyone have a paper clip?" The others began patting their pockets, searching for something similar. "I lived in Germany as a child, and the knob on our flat door was similar to this. My brothers taught me to pick locks, and that was one of the first I learned. We used to sneak out and sneak back in all the time, though I think my dad knew." Casey cringed as she said that, and Alex frowned, seeing that. Other than Stephanie, Casey had not held any contact with her family. Her phone number had stayed the same in the time since she had come out to them, and they had not tried to contact her, either.

In truth, Casey did not seem to like to be in too much contact with Stephanie, either, despite her sister's support. Alex understood, or, she thought she did. It was not something Casey really desired to share, and Alex did not push her in that point. But, as best Alex could figure, Casey did not like being reminded of the connection she had lost with her family. Though Casey's nightmares were becoming more and more rare, they still occurred, and it had been on more than one occasion that Alex had held a sobbing Casey against her, reassuring her that Alex was there, that Casey was safe, and Casey's response had been that Alex was the only person she really had left.

"No wonder you like her so much," Jillian joked. "I have a credit card. Can you do something with that?"

Casey studied the lock. "Maybe." She held out her hand, Jill handing her the plastic card.

"Look at us," Stacy giggled. "Breaking into the psych ward of an abandoned hospital to see what kinds of theatrics Melinda provided us with. What an odd bunch."

"Stacy, can you hold the candle closer to the lock? I think I can get the screws out with the card. Is there another stairwell?"

"Likely, but I have no idea where it would be," Stacy answered, leaning closer.

"The hospital is shaped like a cross. There's at least four stairwells, probably one in each of the cardinal directions." Casey held the card tight in her hand, using it like a screw driver to try and work the screw out of the lock.

"How do you know all this?" Michael asked.

"I told you," Alex chimed. "She's Catholic."

Casey smiled, holding her hand up, Stacy plucking the two screws out of her hand. "Jill, do you need this card back?"

"As best you can," the alabaster blonde answered. "But, I'm more interested in seeing what's in the psych ward that Stephen and Melinda have made it so difficult to get to, so if you break it, I won't be heart broken."

"I like you," Casey mumbled, wedging the card between the plate and the door, breaking the seal that had developed with the paint. "You're practical."

"Anthropologist."

"Who screams at the sight of blood," Todd teased.

"I'm not used to seeing things with flesh still attached, so blood is not really within my area of expertise."

The lock rattled as Casey shifted and moved things around that Alex did not understand. "Ah, got it," Casey announced, pushing the door in, the lock falling apart on the other side of the door as well. "Um, Alex, you're more educated in this, but this doesn't break the rule, right?"

"About not destroying historical things?" Alex asked. "I don't think this counts. You can still put it back together, right?" Casey nodded. "Then it's not a permanent alteration of a historical site. Let's shine some light in there and check it out."

They filed out of the stairwell and spilled into the darkness of the psych ward, lit only by the candles in their hands.

"Whoa," Lydia said as she stepped out. "Creepy."

"What?" Alex asked, shining her light around the place as she walked forward.

Lydia shook her head. "This place was definitely used post nineteen twelve. Some of the tools here were not introduced into medicine until –" Lydia looked at Casey, eyes wide.

"What?"

"The nineteen fifties," the doctor said. "Mid, by the way."

"You think Ashton sent this up?" Todd asked. "Freak us out?"

"Maybe," Alex said, folding her arms over her chest. "Maybe we should go to the front room and ask Stephen, just to make sure it's set up intentionally, not that it was overlooked."

"Stephen and Melinda would both recognize the door lock, if nothing else, as not belonging to the particular time in American history. Stephen should have suspected the medical tools," Lydia argued. "It has to be a set up. You know, freak us out. Maybe there's some mystery under all of this that is part of the game. You know they don't like to tell us all the details in the game the first night. Maybe we got here before they could tease us."

Alex shook her head. "I don't think so. Stephen told us the psych ward was on this floor. We're a bunch of superstitious intellectuals from various religious backgrounds. This would be the first place we would head to."

"Except me," Jillian said, raising her hand slightly. "I'd go for the –"

"Maternity ward," Lydia said. "Anthropologically speaking, of course." Lydia looked to Casey. "Did they know you could pick locks?" Casey shook her head. "Alex, did you?"

"It's news to me," Alex said. "Though, I definitely feel better if I forget the keys at home now."

"So who is the set up in the psych ward directed to?"

"Normally, I would say me," Andrew said. "The whole psychologist aspect."

"So, they direct aspects of the game to their guests?" Casey asked, looking to Alex who nodded her affirmation. "That's pretty cool. A lot of dedication."

"Yea. Mel, she plans these things months in advance. I'm pretty sure she's got several going at once since they put these things on for a variety of guests about every other month. I wish I had that kind of creativity."

"And money," Casey mumbled.

Alex bit her lip and looked at Casey. "Um, Case," she murmured, shaking her head.

"What?"

Stacy and Lydia both looked at Casey, clearly surprised.

Casey looked back at Alex. "Oh. Um, I'm sorry." She looked down, shifting her weight, uncomfortably.

"No. Casey, no. That's not what they mean. What I meant. It's." Alex sighed. "We all share a part in Ashton Historical, not a big part, but the research in the group is mostly funded by private donations. We each donate to the research and site renovation the historical group performs. These are, um, kind of 'thank yous' from Meli and Stephen for our continued support. Jillian helps out in the anthropological department as she can. I've started playing in their legal department for fun. We all kind of trade financial support for entertainment and learning opportunities as well. Plus, I mean, if anything is discovered on digs and sites where Jillian heads, she kind of gets published."

"Oh," Casey said, chewing her cheek as she exhaled slowly. "Well, I, um."

"Whoa," Lydia said, "Casey, we just assumed. I mean, you're a well-educated woman who is well put together, well-mannered, cultured, and comfortable with the likes of us, and you're with Alex. None of us have ever seen her with a woman or a man not from a wealthy or politically connected family."

"I see," Casey said, seeming to shrink.

"You guys aren't really helping," Alex said, licking her teeth. She put her hand on Casey's arm, her partner looking at her, almost sad and definitely uncertain of her stance in the group as the socioeconomic and group ties became more apparent. "You okay?"

"Huh? Yea. I'm fine. It's money. No big deal."

Alex pressed her lips together. "We'll, um, catch up." The blonde kept her hand on Casey's arm, encouraging her to stay back. "Casey, I really am sorry," Alex said. "I should have told you."

"How many pots are your financial hands in, Alex?"

"Uh, yea. A lot, I guess. I, um, if you want, I can draft you a list. Mostly, the family accountant and tax advisor take care of those things."

"How much of it is your money and how much of it is your parents?"

"My parents' financial investments are entirely different from mine, but the majority of my money does come as living inheritance from them. I've made a few of my own investments with sizeable returns. Plus, my parents made me and Sam partial owners of the Cabot vineyards, so I have income from them."

Casey exhaled slowly. "How much older are the other women here than you, Ali? Do you know?"

"Between five and fifteen years my senior," Alex replied, biting her lip, hard.

"Fifteen, Al?" Casey asked. "Um, how old were you?"

"Eighteen."

"That made her thirty two," Casey assessed. Alex nodded. "Almost twice your age."

"Yea," Alex said. "That would have been Stacy. She was just getting started as a publicist. I was star struck enough that I thought being a part of a sexual relationship with her would help me. Turns out, it didn't, but she taught me a lot of neat tricks."

Casey pressed her lips together, nodding as she folded her arms over her chest, shrinking away from her lover. "I'm sorry. I knew you had former lovers and girlfriends. I knew you hadn't learned what you taught me from some stupid website. I just – I had no idea you were so wealthy. You don't, um, you don't act like it."

"Or that you would meet any of my former lovers."

"Um, yea, that, too." Casey chuckled dryly.

Alex nodded. "Honey, if it helps, I love you. I don't love them as anything more than friends. I love you as my best friend, my lover, my partner. You're the first person who's ever made butterflies twist in my stomach, made me laugh from a mere thought or look, made me want to think about where I'm going with my life, not just my career, but my life." Careful with her candle, Alex wrapped her arms around Casey. "Okay, hot shot? I love you. I love you more than I can articulate. It means something to me to have you here, to be able to bring you here, to play and have fun and terrorize ourselves just a little."

Casey nodded. "Alright."

"Does any of this have anything to do with you being so distant recently, Case?"

"No," Casey said as she wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. "I don't know what that's about."

"I mean looking at yourself like some kind of inferior. You've made comments about your sexual experience being less than mine, inadequate to mine. You even did it here. And, then, with the whole money issue, it's come up before a few times in a few different ways." Alex pulled back just enough to catch Casey's chin and tip her face up to look at Alex. They were nearly eye to eye, and Alex kissed Casey, passionately.

"Can we not discuss this here?" Casey whispered.

Alex kissed Casey, firmly and passionately despite their environment. "Okay, but just so you know, sweetie, you're far from inferior to me. You are beautiful, kind hearted, generous, intelligent, wonderful, and I could go on, Case. We won't talk about this now, but promise me we will. Maybe after this weekend is over? Monday?"

When Casey did not respond, Alex sighed. "Casey, I want you to be able to tell me anything about anything, no matter how insulting you think it is."

"Lydia's right," Casey said.

"What?"

"Why me?" she asked, her brow furrowed, the shadows casting long over her face in the flickering light.

"Lydia was joking. She was trying to make light of the situation. I'm sorry. It was my fault for not telling you. I should have been honest and open."

"No, the question is still a valid one. Why me? They're all beautiful women who are smart, well-educated, well-traveled, they make valid contributions to this world and their respective fields. You're going to go so much further than I ever will in the legal field. Why did you settle for me?"

"The last thing you are, Casey, is a settlement. I love you. I loved you before we even started dating. I fell in love with you. Love is never a settlement. So few people ever get to experience that at all in their lifetimes, and here I am, twenty six years old, and I'm experiencing it. Not just lust, Casey. Love."

"I love you, too," Casey whispered. "I'm sorry I'm such an insecure fool."

"You are not a fool," Alex murmured, pushing the tears from Casey's cheeks. The red head had not even realized she had been crying. "You're competitive."

"I'm not good enough."

"You're better than."

Casey smiled. "I'm damaged. I think this proves it."

"I'm damaged, too," Alex whispered, pressing her forehead against Casey's. "I'm not looking for someone who is clean and unblemished. I'm looking for someone who can accept my damages, and, maybe, someone whose scars compliment mine." Casey nodded, their foreheads still touching. "You okay to rejoin the group?"

"Yea," Casey mumbled. "It's kinda creepy over here."

"Alright," Alex said, stroking Casey's hair, kissing her quickly and chastely. "But, Monday, we'll talk in depth."

"Yea. Okay. Thank you."

Alex laced her fingers in Casey's hand as the two followed the light of their candle to the glow of the group's candle a little way down the hall. Jillian looked to Alex, the blonde subtly shaking her head. The others took their cue from the anthropologist as she stayed silent, opting not to say anything on the subject, either.

"So far, we're not seeing much of anything up here except a lot of dust," Todd said. "If the trickery is meant for you, Andy, where would it be?"

Andy shook his head. "I'm not really sure. I'm an expert in forensic psychology. I know how these places operate and I know what gets patients here, but there's a reason I chose to not work with these kinds of psychological matters."

"I don't blame you," Alex said. "It's why I chose to not become a cop. It's one thing to deal with it face to face, another from across the courtroom behind paperwork."

"Precisely," Andy said, nodding.

"Is there a control room?" Lydia asked. "It would be an area barricaded off from patients where staff would be relatively safe. Come on, let's look. I'm anxious to see."

Casey moved closer to Alex, her grip in the blonde's hand tightening just so. "That seems really obvious, doesn't it?" she asked of her partner. "I mean, if they know you guys know they cater the event to the guests, then wouldn't it make sense to surprise people? Have things where you would least expect it?"

"I still went into the maternity ward," Jillian said.

"Maybe there's more down there?" Alex suggested. "I mean, it is Mel. She likes to go all out."

Lydia laughed. "You've got a point, Lex. We've learned from them. It's expected that they would learn from us. Plus, Stephen has an uncanny ability to get inside people's heads."

"And, Mel has the ability to actuate that fantasy," Michael said. "Anyone ever wonder why the two got together?"

Looking around, the group seemed to decide that a head shake was the best answer. None of them had ever thought to question it. Their relationship simply made sense.

"Now that you mention it, though," Todd said, thoughtful, "how would be a good answer, I suspect. I mean, the odds of them meeting would have been slim." Todd glanced at Casey, then he explained. "Mel used to do theater performances. She's always been a history buff, but a self-proclaimed one. Stephen liked the theater for its cultural value but never could sit through a whole show. Despite appearances, he's more the bookworm type."

"Oh," Casey said, nodding. She thought Andrew must have been right, though. They were picking topics that required little thought. It pushed the fear and eeriness away in the dark ward. "When's sunrise? I would have thought it would be light by now?"

Alex shook her head. "It's about five thirty. Sun won't rise until somewhere between 6:30 and seven this time of year. Why? Are you getting tired?"

"Not any more. There's something off about this place. I feel like I'm being watched."

"You probably are," Michael answered. "It's a psych ward with known suicides."

Casey shuddered. "Souls shouldn't remain on this plane," she murmured, curling closer to Alex on instinct. The blonde woman had always protected her in times of uncertainty and confusion. It had forged a special kind of trust that the red head had for her partner. Alex looped her arm around Casey's middle, holding her close. "Can we go explore the church?"

"You mean, can you go stand on consecrated grounds?" Jillian said with a knowing smile. Casey nodded. "I'm down. I like old churches, and small ones are always so uniquely the culture in which they were built."

"I'd like to wander around up here a little more," Andrew said. "I'd hate to leave the floor disappointed."

"We split up again, then?" Lydia asked. "If so, I'll stay with Andrew. I don't think we should wander around alone. None of us are familiar enough with this hospital to get around, and with the darkness, I'd be worried that anyone wandering alone might get injured. Plus, not knowing what surprises are in store-"

Casey nodded. "Sounds like a good idea. Alex, come to the church?"

"Yea, hon," Alex murmured. "Does anyone want to check anything else out?"

"I just want to walk each floor," Todd said with a shrug.

Michael nodded. "I'll go with."

"Two strong guys?" Stacy quipped with a grin. "Count me in."

They passed out the candles among the three groups, blowing out the remaining two so that they had some to spare. Each group had at least one back up candle, too, since they figured the only way they could light the candles they had blown out were to use the candles still lit.

"You have quite the extensive background, Casey," Jillian observed as they made their way back down the stairwell to the first floor. "Was your dad in the military?"

"Yea," Casey answered. "How did you figure?"

"You said you lived in Germany. Military seems to be the most likely avenue for that as a child. It's not impossible, but more likely."

"Oh," Casey murmured. "Alright. Why?"

"Making conversation."

Nodding, Casey fell silent as they found the door leading to the grounds. Practically bolting outside, Casey stood a good twenty feet from the hospital, her arms wrapped around herself as she inhaled deeply. "You okay?"

"Yea," she said, nodding furiously. "It's just, no matter how distracting the conversation is, I can't shake the creepy feeling that someone in there was watching me. And, I don't mean over the camera style of watching me. I mean, really, really watching me.'

"Ghosts," Alex murmured.

They padded across the brittle grass, dry in the heat of the New York summer and the lack of water. The blades crunched beneath their shoes, and it was Alex who reached out and tried the handle of the church's front door, pulling it open. "So, these doors lock at sunrise, right?" she asked, taking the candle from Casey. "Maybe here would be a great place to spend the day in case the ghosts are watching."

Alex popped her eyebrows at Casey who smacked her playfully. "Bitch," Casey mumbled.

Quickly, Alex leaned over, pecking Casey's cheek with the smallest of kisses. "Love you."

"I love you, too," Casey answered. "You're still a bitch."

"You wouldn't have me any other way." Alex led the way into the small church. The dust was minimal which meant that someone had been there recently. Alex was not surprised. It would be every bit like Stephen and Melinda to set up some creepy hocus pocus in a religious center. Both of them being atheist, their respect was for the historical significance of the place. So long as that was undisturbed, they were free to play, and they frequently did.

As Alex moved deeper into the church, though, her eyes widened and her body stiffened. "Um, Casey?" she said, turning behind her to find her partner standing in the doorway, staring at the same décor that had made Alex's insides turn to ice.

"I see it," Casey said. "You're the religions person. Creepy or prop?"

Jillian wiggled her way past Casey who seemed rooted to her spot, blocking the doorway. "I'm going to go with an accurate depiction of Hollywood Satanism. It's not quite right for Haitian Voodoo, though it seems to try."

"It does," Alex agreed. "And contains aspects of Wicca, Christianity, and Voodun as best I can tell. No way would Stephen and Mel get something so wrong. Not when you and I are invitees, though you especially."

"So, trespassers? I wouldn't be surprised if a bunch of teens broke in and thought they could perform some kind of cultist ritual for kicks."

Alex nodded. "Probably. Casey, you can come in. No one summoned up a devil."

"Not for lack of trying," Casey said as she squatted beside the layout. A chalk pentagram had been drawn over the floor, each point a skull. "You think those are real?"

"I don't know," Alex murmured, looking at them. "Maybe. Maybe not. We can let Stephen know and have Lyd look at them if this isn't somehow his doing. I just can't see them doing that. They may play with religious artifacts, but they know enough to not disrespect religion."

"What about this?" Casey said, pushing at a bundle of black cloth with her foot. All around the room were candles, though they had been put out. Alex lit a few with her candle, casting a glow about the area, though it did not do much to hold the darkness at bay.

Jillian picked up the cloth and held it out. "My guess is that they used it like some kind of hood. I'd have to look, by experience tells me if it was kids, we'll find evidence of sex and maybe drugs and alcohol."

"So, now what?" Casey asked.

"We let Stephen know. Come on. He may want to file a report."

Nodding, Casey moved to the door, pulling on the handle. "Um, Ali?" she said, tugging at it again, the door not budging.

"It's probably a jam in the system. If the doors all lock at sunrise, then they've programmed them." Alex held the candle up to the frame, looking for where the modern technology had been inserted into the old, wooden door. "Ah, here, see? It's a magnetic lock."

"Doesn't help us get out," Casey said.

Alex shrugged. "Maybe it tripped early. Mel's got a video camera in here somewhere, I'm sure. My guess is that if we can't get out before sunrise, she'll start checking the cameras for where everyone is and see us in here."

"So, find the camera?"

Alex nodded.

Casey looked around her, examining the walls and the ceiling for anything that might be a camera. "Hey, Alex," Casey said.

"Find something?"

"No. Lost something. Someone. Jillian? Not funny."

Frowning, Alex looked back to the chalk drawing and skulls which Jillian had been leaning over, examining when Alex had last paid her any mind. "Hey, Jillie?"

There was no response from the church except Casey as she moved closer to Alex, grabbing the blonde's hand in her own. Alex walked the interior of the church, not so much looking for Jillian, but looking for trap doors or anywhere she might have hidden or disappeared to. "She might be in on the game, Case," Alex reminded her girlfriend as the red haired woman squeezed her hand even more tightly. "Even if she's not, there's got to be a second way out of here but someone is."

"Yea," Casey mumbled. "Sure. That makes sense." Nevertheless, Casey moved even closer to Alex, huddling against the light of the candle.

"Try the door," Casey whispered, firmly attached to Alex's body, as they discovered no obvious secondary exits. Alex even tried the two windows in the back of the church, but neither one looked like they budged. Those were genuinely dirty, too, indicating to both women that they had not been opened in a long time.

Alex reached out, her fingers just brushing the knob. "You sure you wanna know?" she asked Casey, brow raised. Casey nodded furiously against Alex's shoulder. Alex twisted and pulled, the door jangling but not opening. "I guess we're stuck until someone notices or the doors reopen tonight."

Glancing out of the window, Alex sighed. "It's almost sunrise anyway. The horizon is gray."

Frowning, Casey looked back where the vandalism had taken place. "I'm officially freaked out, Alex. I know it's just a game, but people don't just go missing with no door to go missing from. How did she get out?"

"I don't know," Alex admitted. "Maybe with the light of day, we can see things better. Let's blow out some of these candles in case we need them tonight."

"Al, how are we going to relight them?"

Alex bit her lip. "I'm hoping there's enough to keep lighting them throughout the day, even though it's a waste of wick. I don't know if there are any matches in here."

"What's the latest they'll notice if we're still stuck in here?" Casey asked.

"Sunday morning at sunrise when we don't go back to that front room. I'm sure it's just a glitch, Casey. We'll probably be here today, but, on the bright side, there's a bathroom down that little hall. The only thing we don't really have is food."

"I'm so not hungry," Casey mewled, sliding into one of the pews. "I'm just exhausted, but I really don't think I can sleep."

Sitting down beside her girlfriend, Alex sighed. "I know. You know what? I booked our hotel for Bali."

"Oh?" Casey asked, turning tired eyes to Alex. "Tell me about that, anything to distract me. I know it's a game, but I can't help it. The rabbit inside me is terrified of the lion, even if it's just the photograph of one."

Alex smiled. "Well, it's in a secluded area of south Bali along a beach in Kuta and is a quick day trip to Seminyak. It's a smaller hotel. I'm not really a fan of listening to other guests' entertainment, and the way it's set up, each room is really more of a home split up into two."

Quietly, Casey lay along the pew, Alex rubbing her arm and shoulder in a soothing, circular motion as she described the district of Kuta and its history as a fishing village in Bali. She talked about buildings and people and lifestyles as though she were more than just a little familiar with the area. Casey started out by asking questions, but as the sun rose and warmed the little, vandalized church, Casey's questions waned until they drifted off all together, leaving Alex telling tales of the beach and the ocean and the town to a sleeping Casey, the red head's knuckles still white around Alex's shirt.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. I didn't like the way it was turning out the first few go arounds. I like this better. And, since you've been patient little fiends, the reward is entertaining, I think, albeit not graphic. :) As always, thank you for the reads, reviews, and waits. DMAA**

**(45)**

Casey shook Alex gently awake, the blond rolling over on her back as she moaned. "Yea?" she mumbled.

"It's almost nightfall, Ali. I'm about ready to get out of this creepy church."

Groggy and aching, Alex sat up, stretching. "Hand me my shirt," she mumbled, gesturing vaguely to the pew where Casey had been sleeping. When Alex had moved to the floor, she had stripped herself of her shirt, balling it up and placing it under Casey's head for comfort. The rising sun had hurriedly warmed the church, so Alex had not been worried about getting cold on the floor. In fact, she had woken up at one point to move to the shaded stones.

Casey held out the shirt, her cheeks a pale pink. "Thanks for the pillow," she whispered.

"No problem," Alex said as she twisted, popping her back. She was far from accustomed to sleeping on the floor, and the stone of the church made her ache in more places than she had thought possible. "Did you sleep okay?"

Nodding, Casey yawned. "I'm not going to lie, it'll be nice to get into our bed tomorrow. It would have been better to fall asleep in the hospital. At least there are beds there."

"And ghosts."

"Patients were still treated despite the ghosts," Casey protested, but she cringed slightly. "Okay, so I slept better in here. At least there are no evil spirits in here."

Alex's eyes drifted to the strange circle. "You sure?"

Following Alex's stare, Casey bit her lip. "You know more about other religions than I do, Al," she mused. "I defer to you on the subject."

Tugging her shirt down over her head, Alex nodded. Standing, she looked down at the marks chalked into the floor of the church. "No. Some of these symbols are Wiccan. Some are Voodun. None of them would conjure the demons likely desired if the skulls are any suggestion."

"You think they're real bones?"

"Maybe. If it was kids who put them here, probably not. If it was Melinda and Steve, then, yes, they would be real. I've just never seen them cross religious relics before." Squatting down, Alex looked over the area. "You know what I didn't think about this morning?"

"Hm?" Casey hummed, standing near Alex, one eye on her girlfriend, the other on the window, waiting for the sun to sink.

Gingerly, Alex moved some of the items around, eyes searching the ground studiously. "Depending on how well used the church was, there might have been an underground storage facility. Maybe this was put there to distract us, let Jillie slip out and disappear."

"Would she still be down there, then?" Casey asked, marveling as Alex picked up one of the skulls, a small latch on the floor beneath it.

Alex set the skull aside, and it slid back into place, covering the latch once again. "It's fake, but judging from the set up, it intentionally moved back to cover the latch. And, maybe. Maybe not. There could be an underground tunnel through the storage. Old places and things have all kinds of secrets." Once again, the blond picked up the skull, pulling the latch before letting the skull go. "Holy shit, Case, check this out."

In the fading light of day, Casey peered over Alex's shoulder into what looked like a cellar. "Awesome. We're going in, aren't we?"

"Yes," Alex said, turning to face her girlfriend, eyes wide and sparkling with adventure. "In the corner, I rigged some of the candles up to light each other as they burned out. Is one still lit?"

Casey looked around, finding the small, flickering glow. "Barely," she said, lighting another candle from the pile that had been in the church and handing one to Alex. "Is there a ladder?"

"Small jump down," Alex said. "But, it looks like there's a stepping stool down there, modern, too, so I'm sure this is how Jillian got out. I'll jump in and move the stool. Hang on." Alex slid into the hole, darkness engulfing her and the candle. The dirt ceiling was just above her head when she stooped. There was no way she would be able to stand up straight. She went to grab the little stool when a thud in the hard packed dirt behind her made her turn.

"It's okay," Casey said with a smile. "I may be nervous when it comes to ghosts, Ali, but I am an adventurous soul."

Alex smiled, kissing Casey briefly on the lips. "I know you are," she murmured. "Shall we?"

Hunching, Casey moved a few steps into the darkness, holding her candle out before her. "Wow. It's like a very small basement."

The blond laughed. "I guess. It looks like someone cleaned it out, though, huh? I mean, it makes sense. Goodness knows what would be found down here when they sponsored the place."

"Could you imagine?" Casey giggled.

With a wrinkled nose, Alex shook her head. "I don't think I'd want to," she said with a small smile as she nudged Casey further into the darkness. "I think there's a tunnel through here."

They both stayed hunched over as they walked down the tunnel. The air in the tunnel was cool, stale, but there lacked the taste of what Alex would have considered air remaining from the early nineteen hundreds. "You ever wonder what people back then thought today would be like?" she asked as they moved, the dirt packed hard under their feet and above them, support beams having been installed regularly to keep the tunnel from collapsing.

"Probably the same thing we think about a hundred years from now," Casey mused. "Which is to say that I am way too busy in the present to wonder about such things."

"Agreed," Alex mumbled. "Air's getting warmer."

"Where do you think we'll come out?"

"No clue," Alex answered, hooking her finger in Casey's belt loop. "Probably just outside of the church. We haven't been walking far."

Casey chuckled.

"What?"

"Nothing," Casey mewled innocently, batting her eyes in the candlelight as she glanced over her shoulder at Alex.

Setting her candle on the floor, Alex pulled Casey to her, taking them both to the ground. "Oh, so it's going to be like that?" she teased, laughing as she plucked the second candle from Casey's hand and set it at their heads. Casey stared up at Alex, the shadows cast about their faces in the barely lit tunnel.

"Depends what you're going to do about it," Casey giggled, wrapping her arms around Alex's shoulders, kissing her quickly.

Alex smiled in the shadows, the light catching on her teeth making Casey giggle. The red head bit her lip nervously before leaning in for a more full kiss, her tongue dancing along Alex's teeth, slipping into her warm mouth. Alex moaned as she pulled her girlfriend closer to her, her hand behind Casey's back, pulling her higher, consuming her through the mouth.

Groaning, Casey pushed her hands up Alex's shirt, fingers grazing over her partner's abdomen. "Everything about you, about our relationship, Alex, I love. I fall in love more and more each day."

"You are such a wonderful romantic," Alex purred, letting Casey slowly to the ground so that she could use that hand to untangle Casey's hands from her shirt. "You are such an exhibitionist."

"Who's watching," Casey whispered, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck, kissing along her jaw.

"You're not freaked out any more?" Casey shook her head. "Well, look at that. Next time we go through a haunted house, I'm making you wear an egg."

Casey laughed. "Um?"

Laughing, Alex bit down on Casey's neck, just hard enough that the red head felt it. "It's a vibrator I control remotely. More or less. Have you seriously not found those in your online searches?"

Frowning, Casey smacked the back of Alex's head. "You make me sound like a pervert."

"My favorite one," Alex quipped, laughing.

"It's your fault," Casey pouted, rolling her eyes at her lover. "You introduced me to a sexually alluring world and foster my curiosities and experimentations."

"Every woman deserves to find out what she enjoys sexually. Among other things."

"So, you let me run around doing as I please. You wait patiently for me to find myself."

Alex smiled. "Well, aren't we philosophical?"

"I've been thinking." Alex raised a brow. "I take you for granted, always trying to do right by me and for me even if it hurts you."

Sitting back, Alex leaned against the wall of the tunnel. "Okay," she said, the world slow enough to sound like a full sentence. "Casey, where are you going with this?"

With a heavy sigh, Casey sat up, leaning against the opposite wall from Alex. Even with their legs slightly bent, they were still able to touch each other with ease. "I just want to be something for you."

"You are something for me," Alex said, a soft smile crossing her features. "You are a part of my world, Case, a large part of my world." She watched Casey stare down at her hands, and even in the darkness, she could see the color rise along Casey's cheeks. "What?"

Shaking her head, Casey went to stand, but Alex's quick reflexes brought her back down again, slide across her lap. "No, you don't get to walk away from that so easily. What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

"The same nothing that made you have a mini meltdown yesterday in the psych ward?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "What an appropriate place to have a meltdown."

Laughing, Alex nuzzled Casey's neck. "We're alone here, Casey. Be honest with me before we go rejoin everyone else. Obviously, something has been bothering you since it was brought up in the ward, longer than that, I would imagine. So, spill."

Sighing, Casey slumped against her lover's chest. "I can't offer nearly as much as you can. What you give the world, what you give me, it's all so significant, so much. I can't give you that kind of thing back."

"Oh, honey," Alex purred, a slight sigh coveting the very last tones of her voice. "You really don't think you have much of value to offer the world?"

"I have less than much. I have nothing, Ali."

"I disagree. You have a lot. You talk like you're the only one learning and growing from your relationship with me, but I've learned so much about what it means to be a decent human being from you. You look at where my income goes and think I must be a good person for it, but, honey, anyone can give money to charity and still be a terrible human. I look at what you do with your intellect, your soul, and I think that someday, I want to be that good."

Casey laughed dryly. "Alex, you're practically perfect. I don't think you can learn anything about being a good person from me. I mean, all the shit I've done."

"You've done? Oh, Casey, what terrible things do you think you've done?"

Biting her lip, Casey shrugged, the heat from her flushed skin real enough that Alex swore she could feel the heat against the skin of her chest. "It's not that I don't want to do thing-"

Alex cut Casey off, a firm kiss pressed down against her mouth. "You are an honorable woman, Casey. Intent is most of it. Attempt is the other part. Ability can and is sometimes hindered by finances, but never for very long. Not if it's something you really want to do." Alex paused, her fingers dancing around Casey's cheeks and through her red hair. "Hey, Case, is there something you want?"

Shrugging, Casey shook her head. "No. I guess I'm doing more than what I want with this whole being an ADA business. I just thought it would be a lot more satisfying, would feel like it was closer to being enough than it is. But, this whole financial crimes thing. I mean, I know I'm working for the greater good which is great, but my girlfriend is about to become the prosecutor for sex crimes. Talk about doing good."

With a throaty laugh, Alex shook her head. "You're jealous of me?" she asked. "I thought you wanted white collar?"

"I did. I do. I don't want to deal in violence. Not after, not. I don't think I could handle that with fairness. I would want to throw the book at everyone. No plea negotiations, nothing."

"That's fair and understandable," Alex said. "To be honest, I hesitated taking it, not sure how I would pursue offenders. I know Charlie is very sick, Case, but the things he did to you still make me cringe internally. And, watching you heal from those wounds, I can imagine what it would be like for another friend or family member watching their loved ones survive the same types of ordeals. I didn't think I could do my job because I love you, but I decided that was exactly why I had to take it, your approval, of course."

"So, it's my fault that you almost didn't take the job," Casey sighed.

Alex laughed. "I think you've got that wrong. It's because of you that I took it, because I can't stand the idea that other women will have to and are going through some of the same things you went through with Charlie."

"My fault, then, for you taking the most traumatic job in the office," Casey decided.

"There's no winning with you on this one, huh?" Alex said, her voice alight with a smile even though she feared she was losing Casey to something dark inside of her. "I'm grateful to move units at work. I'm glad you've taught me the absolute benefits of falling in love with a person and not just the idea of a person. Besides, I have never felt happier. I know we're young, sweetie, but I'm happy with you. I love you, and you're the best thing to happen to me. So, if I am so good for the world and you are so good for me, then, by default, you must be good for the world, too."

Casey smiled. "Well, I guess I can't argue that."

"Granted, I still think you're worth so much more." Alex kissed Casey again, her tongue tasting her soft lips. "Are you gunna be okay with everything?"

"Yea. I'll be fine. It's just this whole business about never having dated before you and Charlie, and then I feel like I fucked that up royally. And, I knew that I was far from your first or even second, but I guess I just didn't realize."

"Honey, I have a history of being more than a little promiscuous. I'll be the first to admit. Dating any of these people was never on my agenda. Sometimes, you have enough sex with someone, and it turns into a relationship. Sometimes, you have enough of a relationship with someone and sex just falls naturally into the equation."

Casey seemed to consider this with some serious thought. "Which do you prefer?" she asked, her voice soft, as though she were still waiting for Alex to deliver that backwards blow, to throw her back to the innocent life she had lead before law school, but without Alex, Casey would swear she was alone except among friends, none of whom knew she was dating a woman.

"Ask what you really want to know," Alex chided, "because we both know you already know that answer to that question."

Biting her lip, Casey slid from Alex's lap, leaning against the dirt beside her girlfriend, but not touching the blond woman. "When are you going to give up on me? I've learned that from the moment I met you, Ali, I'm not the kind of woman you normally go after."

"That doesn't mean that you're the wrong woman to go after, Casey. How do you know that I hadn't made a thousand mistakes before I met you? That you're the kind of woman I should be going after?" Alex reached over and stroked Casey's cheek.

"A thousand? That's a lot."

Alex only smiled coyly. "All the more reason I know I'm sure when I say that I want you."

"I'm sorry I'm insecure." Casey bowed her head as she apologized, her fingers linking together tightly enough that even in the dimly lit tunnel, Alex could see that the flesh had gone the kind of bloodless white only achieved with a high level of pressure.

With a light chuckle, Alex pried Casey's hands apart, linking her fingers in her girlfriend's. "You are so far from the only one with insecurities, Casey," Alex said with a soft smile. "You don't think I wonder when you'll realize you deserve someone better than me? I maintain that no one is good enough for you, but least of all me."

Smiling bashfully, Casey scooted over so that she was leaning against Alex. "You know, if my parents had given you half a chance, they would have adored you."

"Maybe one day, they will," Alex said, her voice barely above a whisper. "That's really getting to you, isn't it?"

"You mean Charlie using me and my parents abandoning me? Yea, I guess I've got some issues."

"Strange that everything was going okay for you until you met me," Alex mused, sighing.

"No," Casey admitted. "It would have all happened eventually. You helped me to feel safe and secure with my sexuality, but I've always been a lesbian. It's not a matter of choice. I might have chosen to be with a man, to marry one, to have sex with one, and to have children with one, but something inside me would always feel repulsed and empty. It did whenever I was with Charlie, even before the abuse started. And, chances are, if I went with a man for fear of my parents abandoning me if I went with a woman, then it would be an abusive relationship; it would be the only way I would feel better about lying to him.

"I was just really, really lucky that the woman who found me hasn't abandoned me, goes out of her way to make me feel safe and wanted and loved. I'm sorry that I can't help but wonder when it'll all stop."

Alex smiled, pushing Casey's legs down with one hand as she caressed her partner's cheek with her other hand. "What would everyone at work think if they knew how vulnerable you really were?" she mused.

"I think they know," Casey said, her eyes flicking up to meet Alex's as the blonde straddled her, tipping Casey's face up to her before encasing her mouth in a deeply passionate kiss.

Casey did not remember pulling Alex's shirt or bra off, but the next thing she knew, the half-naked attorney was pressed up against her, hands in her hair, tugging just enough that Casey was compelled to expose her neck. Alex licked and bit at Casey's neck, sucking and nibbling a necklace around her soft, pale skin. And, the hickies sprung to life so easily over Casey's Irish flesh, blood welling to the surface almost by command of will.

Guttural sounds of appreciation swam from Casey's throat, egging Alex on, her motions more furious, perhaps a tad harder as her teeth closed down on flesh. Alex's harshness left a rich, purple ring about the front of Casey's neck, dropping over to each of her shoulders like a strange scarf. Alex slid back on Casey's legs, propping herself at her lover's knees as she tugged at the shirt still occluding her ability to touch all of Casey's flesh. "Off," Alex commanded, fumbling with the shirt.

In truth, Casey was not much more together. Ordinarily, Alex was not so rough. She was almost always gentle. There had always been that hint of hard power behind her touch, a rawness that had terrified Casey before. It was the same power that boiled just behind Charlie's kiss, but Charlie left unwanted bruises. As Alex had bit, nipped, and sucked, her hands grasping tight to Casey's jaw, the red head had realized that the way Alex wielded her power was sexy, alluring. It made things deep with her groin leap with an electricity that was so often promised but never quite reached despite Alex's near mastery at drawing an orgasm from her slightly younger partner.

It took some physical convincing for Alex to abandon her primal urge to rip Casey's shirt off, and Casey was able to pull her own shirt over her head, though Alex was already pushing the straps of her bra down before the fabric hit the ground, biting Casey's shoulders.

Alex's mouth closed on a fleshy spot just below the bone of Casey's shoulder, and the red head arched her body into Alex's mouth, a low, primal groan pressing from her throat that sounded so much more animalistic than civilized human. Panting, Alex grabbed Casey's wrists, yanking her from the wall, pulling her to her body as she rocked back, Casey sprawling out over her, on top of Alex as the blonde hit the packed dirt ground, totally unaware of what she was laying on.

Taking advantage of her position, Casey took hold of Alex's hand, kissing up and down her fingers until Alex curled all but her middle finger, Casey's mouth closing over it, her tongue gently winding up and down before she coaxed a second finger from Alex's curled set into her mouth. Her lover moaned, a soft hiss escaping between her teeth as Casey ground her pelvis over Alex's.

With a predator's gaze, Alex pulled her hand from Casey's grasp, squeezing down on Casey's hips, her own hips bucking upwards. There was something dangerous, primordial about Alex's gaze, and Casey instinctively knew that it was something that the blonde had seldom, if never, displayed before. It made her core freeze in terror, but everything else, every other nerve, screamed at the raw sexuality of it. The idea of being completely taken by another person, mind, body, and soul was, in itself, erotic and the promise of predation in the way Alex's eyes glinted in the candlelight as she bit her lip before pushing Casey hard to the ground, her mouth and her hands leaving bruises scattered across her body.

"Fuck me," Casey mewled. "No holds barred, Alex. Fuck me like you're going to tear me apart." The imagery of her girlfriend literally tearing her apart and dancing wildly in her skin came to mind, something primal, as though left over from the days when their ancestors skinned wolves and bears and danced about the open flame in their skins, sending out prayers to the universe for safety, security, and shelter. In that moment, Casey wanted to wear Alex as a prayer to the universe for just that. A thought that was more than thought but so much less. It was the part of her brain that was purely animal, purely survive and fuck, wild with adrenaline.

Casey yelped as Alex bit her nipple, and Alex's momentary hesitation was enough to let Casey know that predator or not, Alexandra Cabot was in total control over her actions. It made her all the more terrifying, but equally more alluring. Without being aware that she knew, Casey knew Alex would never go beyond what Casey could handle. If she hurt her, it would not be too much, and it would not be against Casey's will. However, as Casey grabbed Alex's hair and pressed her back into her bosom, it was the only sign Alex needed to know that the pain had not been too much.

Snow white flesh bruised easily, and as Casey lay panting on the ground, her muscles scarcely coordinated enough to wipe away the errant strand of hair tickling her face, Casey felt sure that her body would show evidence of that evening beneath the earth in the cool, dry tunnel dug between the church that the hospital grounds. She wondered briefly whether or not the tunnel could be considered, still, a part of the House of God. And, if it was, had she really just carnally fucked another woman for no other reason than their own pleasure and in direct violation of her understandings of the teaching of the Good Book?

Perhaps it was her religious upbringing, but she had to swallow the urge to laugh. What came out was a strangled sound, almost devilish.

"You're awake," Alex purred, the blonde's face appearing over her. Casey could see the streaks of dirt in the candlelight on her face. The glint of power still caressed her lavender gray eyes with the promise that, at any given time, the predator could surface again, to swallow Casey in a way she had never imagined, but the smile on Alex's face said that at all times, that beast was under control. Alex had built a very steady, firm cage, keeping that part of her sexuality trapped, compliant. Casey found herself shuddering at the mere thought of unleashing it again.

Everything had just been a flurry of skin, hands, mouths, nails, and hair, of fingers in each other's mouths, of the sensation of things being touched deeper within her than Alex's fingers buried within her body. It was like a door had been opened that Casey had not even known had been there. But, once opened, a thousand years of civilization had spilled out over the earth, abandoning her for the basic needs of those ancestors who walked from the darkness of the cave who hunted like a promise to survive and to allow for survival. And, she was not certain if what she had seen within herself was human any longer.

Casey's physical memory was imprecise and blurred, but her body bore the marks, and the periodic twitches of her muscles bore the memory of the sensation of falling from a great height, of the earth and the rich smells of dirt and sex. In fact, the tunnel still smelled of dirt and sex, two satisfyingly instinctual scents. All that was missing, Casey thought, was the smell of rain. Earth and rain and sex. But, she was still operating at the animal level, more animal than Alex had ever drawn from her before.

Alex pressed her lips against Casey's, and the red head bit down, sucking the blonde's lip into her mouth. Her body was physically unable to respond, to pull Alex closer, to consume her, but Alex must have understood because she lay down beside Casey, one arm draped over her stomach, face nuzzled against her neck. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she became aware that Alex was clothed, and she was not, and that thought alone stimulated the rest of her brain to surge forward, back to civilized culture.

"Oh, my God," Casey whispered, her voice raspy. As her communication centers returned to functioning normality, a new wave of sensations covered her body. She was sore and achy in her joints. Her muscles protested movement. Her flesh burned with bruises on her arms, hips, thighs, neck, breasts, and wrists, but each screaming sensation of flame was a tiny reminder of that part of her brain she had just visited, and each wave of pain was a delirium of ecstasy that left her feeling exhausted and relieved all at once.

A humane smile crossed Alex's face. "You know, I had always heard Catholics were the most primal, but, damn, Casey," Alex teased.

"Damn me?" Casey panted. "Damn you. I don't know which was more important, surviving or fucking."

"Sometimes, it's the same thing. You really like being hurt." Alex made it a statement even though Casey had been expecting a question.

She shook her head, blinking as the world fuzzed over from the movement. "No. You didn't hurt me. Not the way you say it. That was- that was like being consumed, taken over, and then given back to myself. It was, Alex, I don't know the words for it."

Alex nodded as though she understood, and Casey had to trust that she did. "I've never done that to anyone but you, Casey. Before, when we've had sex, I've come close, but I've never. It's like, down here, some things can just stay within the earth even though I know we're only a few feet from the surface." Casey nodded. That, she understood. "Let's get you dressed. You're going to need water here."

"Alex," Casey whispered as she tugged her shirt on over her bra with a little of Alex's help. "What happened between us, is that, is it okay?"

"Are you okay with it?"

Casey nodded. "Are you?"

For several seconds, Alex stared at Casey, making sure to be able to catch and meet her eyes, holding her gaze in silence for at least half a minute. "Yea," she finally said. "Yea, I am."

Smiling, Casey nodded again. "Okay. Can I be honest?"

"Yea."

"I don't think I can walk."

Alex burst out laughing, and the strange tension that had accrued between them melted away like butter in a microwave.


	46. Chapter 46

**(46)**

Casey pushed open the door, her feet working under her by that point, though the desire for sleep was starting to settle into her bones, and she and Alex spilled out of the tunnel into what looked like a boiler room. Looking around her, Casey shuddered. "What is this place?" she asked.

"I'm guessing the morgue," Alex answered, pointing to a large iron grate on the wall covering something dark and forgotten. "That looks like where they used to burn the bodies."

"Great. It's official. I've now had sex under a church, right next door to a crematorium."

"You know, you weren't complaining twenty minutes ago. Come on, let's go find everyone. I don't really like it down here."

"Agreed," Casey said, taking Alex's hand and tugging her along, though the blond needed no urging to move herself forward. It was one thing to be somewhere where people had died, but the whole burning bodies thing was what gave Alex the heebie jeebies. She could not be more happy to leave the little area, preferably, skipping. Or running. Running would be good.

They trotted quickly up the stairs and back to the first floor, though to an area of the hospital neither one had been in the previous night. There was, again, no light except the light from the candles both women held. The ward, or whatever it was, was without windows, so the light did not move very far, almost as if the glow itself were afraid of the dark, huddling against the two human beings.

"Creepy," Alex whispered, hoping her voice would break some of the irrational fears crawling into the back of her mind. It did not work. Instead, the fears seemed to move further, faster, consuming parts of the logical place in her brain when Casey did not respond. Alex could still see Casey's light ahead of her, the flash of yellow catching Casey's sweatshirt and allowing it to glow, but not traveling up to her face. It made her look headless and all the more eerie in the basement of the hospital.

As Alex approached, Casey still did not move, the blond eventually stepping up beside her. "Come on," she chided.

Casey merely shook her head, her mouth just a little open. "Alex," she whimpered, holding her candle away from her body just enough to cast a glow up the stairs.

"Oh, God, Jillian," Alex yelped, jumping to the woman's side, her fingers pressed up against the anthropologist's throat. "She's got a pulse, but it's weak. Jillie, can you hear me?" Alex shook the woman's shoulder, though her actions earned her no response. "Casey, go up the stairs, start calling around for help. Try not to go too far from the door in case you can't find your way back. Lyd's a doctor. Scream for her."

Nodding, the red head gingerly jumped over Julie's unconscious body and flew up the remaining steps, pushing open the heavy door, the metal giving way with a groan. "Lydia!" she screamed, "Stephen, Mel! Help. Jillian's unconscious. Lydia!"

"Come on, Jills, wake up, sweetie," Alex purred over her ex-lover, rubbing her shoulder. "Wake up."

Less than five minutes later, everyone was at the door, though it was Casey's face that Alex saw when she looked up and over Lydia's shoulder, the ER physician tending her new patient. "We need to get her out of here to a hospital. Stephen, call 911."

"There's an ambulance already on its way," Stephen replied. "Mel's outside waiting to direct them in. Alex, Casey, did you see what happened?"

"No," Casey whispered, horror settling into her voice. "She disappeared from the church last night. We thought she was part of the set, you know? Alex said sometimes the guests aren't all really guests."

"It's okay, Casey. Take a deep breath," Andrew coached. "Why don't you step back out here and talk with me?"

The red haired woman nodded, biting the knuckle of her left hand's index finger. She cast Alex a look before disappearing, and it was enough to break the blonde's heart.

But, Alex had to focus on the patient. She was closest enough to Lydia to help the doctor move Jillian since there was no manner in which to place Jillian on a back board the way the stairs were built. They carried her to the top of the stairs with care, laying her on the floor at the door. "What do you think happened?" Alex asked.

Lydia shook her head. "I don't know, Lexi," she responded, though she did something that made Alex think there was more to her words than the words. She placed her hand over Alex's on the floor, making certain to catch the attorney's eyes. For a brief moment, Lydia looked behind her down the stairs, then back to Alex. Her next sentence was barely a whisper. "The police should be contacted."

Nodding, Alex stood. "If you're okay here, Lyd, I'm gonna check on Casey."

"Yea," she said. "Paramedics should be less than five out. Go, take care of her."

Alex found Casey and Andrew sitting on a counter a ways down the hallway in silence. Casey just looked pained, and Andrew did not look as if he knew how to handle her. But, then, he really did not have a clue despite his profession. Casey's ability to pretend nothing had happened was strong, and it would take more than thirty minutes to break down that barrier. It had taken Alex several years to break through it, and that was with sustained trauma. "Casey," Alex murmured, gliding up to stand in front of her, placing her hands on her lover's hips. "You okay?"

Casey nodded, looking at Andrew. "I'll go check on everyone else," Andrew said, hopping from the counter and wandering back with the crowd.

"If you fall down the stairs," Casey whispered, "even if you fall down backwards, you don't look like that. The only time I ever fell that way was when Charlie dragged me."

Alex nodded. "She has some damage to her fingers that make me think she might have been grabbing the stairs, trying to stop herself from going down. Lydia thinks the trauma's suspicious, too. She told me to get ahold of the police."

"Would someone here really do that to Jillian?"

"I'd like to think the people at the party wouldn't have done it at all."

Casey nodded. "Can I borrow your cell?"

"I gave it to Stephen," Casey said.

"Not that one, Casey. I know you still have it on you. I felt it." Alex held out her hand. "I want to talk to dispatch before anything gets too crazy and people start wanting to go down there."

Casey nodded, pulling her second phone from her front pocket. It was a smaller one, an old one whose only service was as a 911 phone. Alex had given it to her before she had broken it off with Charlie in case he ever broke her regular phone and she needed the police, and she carried it with her still from time to time. It was a good indicator that she was feeling insecure and vulnerable.

"Yes, my name is Alexandra Cabot, I'm calling from St Anthony's. A medical unit was already dispatched out, but there's an ER doc on site who thinks the injuries might be more than accidental. Can you send out a unit?"

"Yes, ma'am, we'll have an officer on the way. Is anyone else injured or being threatened?"

"No."

"Does anyone there have any weapons?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Has there been any alcohol involved?"

"No, sir. But, can I ask you a favor? Can the officer not raise suspicion to the guests that Jillian may have been attacked? If someone here hurt her, they'll clam up if they think the police are really interested in an intentional injury." Alex hesitated a moment before adding. "There are two Manhattan ADAs on site. Unfortunately, it was the both of us that found Jillian. We can offer the legal counsel of our office, just let the officer know we're witnesses, too."

"I'll tell him. I've sent a unit to you. He'll be there shortly."

"Thank you."

Alex hung up the phone and handed it back to Casey. "Do me a favor? Don't let anyone know you have this. Not yet."

"Of course," Casey murmured, already tracking where Alex was going. She tucked the phone in her pocket. "Do you really think someone hurt Jillian?"

"You noticed the way she had fallen."

Casey nodded, sliding her body up against Alex's at the same time she gracefully slid off the counter. "Will she be okay?"

"Lydia's looking after her until the medics get here. Yea, I think she'll be just fine." Alex stroked Casey's hair behind her ear. "Will you be?"

"I don't know. Presumably, the attack happened this morning before sunup, right?" Casey asked, her voice whispered.

"That would be my guess. Unless Jillie slept in the crematorium during the day. She's a bit odd, but I don't know that I would say that she is quite that off."

Casey chewed at her lip, wrapping her arms around Alex and holding herself close to the slightly older blond. "I hope she's okay."

"Me, too," Alex said, frowning. Something in Casey's tone worried the Cabot woman, though she could not quite pinpoint what. "What are you fixated on?"

Adjusting, Casey looked up briefly before nestling her face back in Alex's neck. They were the same height which made achieving a comfortable stance like that was not always possible without one or the other slouching a little, but neither seemed to mind. "I'm just worried."

"Okay," Alex murmured. "Let's go rejoin the group. You okay to do that?"

"Yea."

The medics were just packaging Jillian when the two women reconvened with the others. "Is she gunna be okay?" Casey asked the nearest one. Jillian was on a gurney, strapped to a back board with a non-rebreather mask over her nose and lips, the mask fogging ever so slightly with her breath every few seconds, but not with enough frequency to make Casey think she was getting enough air.

"We're taking her to Mercy General. You'll be able to check on her through there."

"Thank you," Casey whispered, watching as they pushed Jillian past them all and back out to the ambulance, following a short distance behind Mel.

"Maybe it's time to call this, Stephen," Andrew suggested. "And, maybe a debrief before we leave."

"I was just thinking the same," Stephen answered with a frown. "Let's all head into the front entrance. The couches are still set up. I'll call cabs for everyone."

They all trekked to the hospital entrance only to be greeted by two police officers standing in the hall. Casey glanced at Alex, feeling drained, then back at the officers knowing that not only did the dinner party expect the two lawyers to best handle the police, Alex had given the police reason to think that the two lawyers would do their best to handle the attendees. It was going to be exhausting.

The officers, thankfully, went straight to business following introductions. "We're here due to the unusual circumstances surrounding the injuries Jillian sustained. We have to make sure it's nothing the NYPD needs to address," Officer Rodriguez said after everyone but the two police officers had sat down.

"Of course," Stephen murmured.

"Who found Ms. Black on the stairs?" the officer asked, his notebook out.

Casey raised her hand. "Me."

"Miss Novak, correct?"

"Yes. Alex and I found her."

He nodded, jotting that much down. "Walk me through it."

Casey did as requested, starting from their emergence from the tunnel under the church. She described how Jillian was laying when she had first seen her and that there appeared to be no movement. Alex detailed what she saw and what actions she took as well. At one point, one officer took the two women back to the stairwell while the other stayed in the front room asking everyone a variety of questions.

"Now, it was you who requested police response, is that correct?" Officer Rodriguez said, indicating Alex with a head nod.

"Yes, on advisement from Lydia Frame, an ER physician. But, I've been an ADA for long enough to become familiar with photographs of injuries that the ones to Jillie's hands and arms seemed unusual for an accident. I've seen them before on victims who were dragged."

"Falling looks like dragging," the officer said.

Alex shook her head. "No. This was different. This – I've seen similar marks in person before, and I knew the incident was from the person being dragged."

"She means me. My ex-boyfriend used to beat me. He'd dragged me across cement a couple of times. Each time, I wound up with similar looking injuries. I mean, I couldn't say exactly, but they struck me immediately, too, as something unusual."

"When was the last time you saw Jillian?"

"Before sunup yesterday. We were in the church looking around as part of the haunted hospital party theme going on, and she vanished. Casey and I later found the tunnel we think she went through under the church to make it look like she had disappeared." They walked the officer through the tunnel, pointing out the door they had reentered the hospital through and the route they had taken to finding Jillian.

"That doesn't really give us much, I'm sure you understand."

Alex nodded. "I know. Maybe medical collaboration would help, but I thought the NYPD should have a report in incase something does come up from this all. She might be able to say something as to whether or not it was intentional or accidental when she wakes up."

"Let me talk to the doc, but without Ms. Black saying anything, I'm afraid there's not much in the way of investigation."

"We understand," Casey murmured. "Thank you."

"I will crime scene tape the church and the crematorium off until Ms. Black can say something, though, just in case."

"Sure," Alex said.

Each ADA gave the officer their office contact information should he find that he needed it in the future relating to Jillian or another case. Then, they returned to the main entrance where everyone was dismissed by the officers and the cabs had arrived to take people home.

"I just wanna go home and shower," Casey mewled as they sat in their cab.

"Okay, sweetheart," Alex murmured, stroking Casey's hair. "We will."

The ride back to their apartment was pretty much silent. The cabbie tried to start a conversation, but he was shot down by both women, though Alex did manage to gently explain that neither were really in the mood, but he was sweet to try.

After they had both showered, Alex settled on the bed with Casey's hand in her lap, giving her a hand massage. "Talk to me, Casey."

"I just – If someone there hurt her, who would it have been?"

"I don't know," Alex murmured. "We'll find out when she wakes up."

Casey closed her eyes. "She must have been terrified. Concrete steps – they feel like they're ripping your body open, and there's nothing to grab to get away. I wonder if she knew whomever attacked her was going to hurt her beforehand. What if she got out of that tunnel and he was standing there, and he caught her as she was trying to run up the steps?"

"It's probably best not to speculate, Case," Alex advised. "We don't know what happened. If Jillian decides she wants to tell us, we can listen then." Swallowing Casey nodded. "Are you going to be okay? Do you want to talk about something specific, Casey, maybe something you remembered?"

"How do you do that?" Casey asked, withdrawing her hand from Alex's caresses and curling it to her chest.

"Do what?"

"Not speculate. Not wonder."

"I wonder, Casey. I wonder all the time. I used to wonder with you when I'd see you with a new bruise. But, I also learned that I cannot make someone tell me their story. They have to do it when they're ready to tell it, not when I'm ready to listen."

Biting her lip, Casey rolled onto her side. "The night you picked me up at Central Park, we had been fighting about you." Alex nodded but did not say anything. "Charlie banned me from seeing you, and I told him no, that I was still going to see you. You were my best friend. He took a swing at me, and I ran. He caught me on the stairs and pulled me down by my pants. I just remember clawing at the stairs to try to get away. My nails were shredded just like Jillian's, Alex. Someone hurt her."

"Then, the police will catch him, and our office will prosecute him."

"Do you ever wonder if that's enough?" Casey asked. "I mean, I don't know what I mean."

After licked her lips, Alex lay back against the comforter. "I think I do. Some people are just so heinous, just don't stop at anything because they're such monsters that prison bars cannot hold them long enough, that they'll always find a way to hurt someone else because it's what they do. Even if they're behind bars for the rest of their lives, they'll find a way."

"Yea," Casey breathed.

"Within the confines of the law, Casey, I don't think there is a way to make that stop unless it's a death penalty case, but there are so few of those."

"Not all monsters murder," Casey mused.

Alex shook her head. "Some do worse."

Casey eventually took Melatonin to fall asleep, her mind whirling a million miles a minute. As she slipped into a dreamless sleep in Alexandra's lap, the blonde attorney could not help but to not quiet her mind. She was worried about Jillian, yes, but she was doubly worried about Casey. Her lover was drifting off again, and the only image Alex could dredge up was that of her standing on a cruise liner with Casey on a small boat, floating a few hundred yards away. Alex knew the boat was tethered to the liner, but Casey did not. And, nothing Alex could do would convince Casey that the two boats were tied, that the little boat she was on would never be lost at sea, that there would always be something to dock her back at shore. Alex just wished she could figure out how to get Casey onto the cruise ship. Some days, it seemed as if she were beginning to see the rope and use it to haul herself in. Other days, it was like she was grasping at air, even resigning herself to being cast out for a lengthy time.

"I love you," Alex whispered to her sleeping girlfriend. "I love you, and I want to be with you no matter what happens. I want to see you grow old on a compilation of your failures and your successes, and I know there'll be a lot more successes. I wish you knew that, too." She smiled, faintly. "Plus, I so want to be there the first day you find a gray hair. I imagine that will be the funniest day of my life. I want the fights. I want the fears. I want the welcome homes and the good morning kisses. I want to surprise you with flowers just because I can and to make you think I forgot our anniversary just to take you out to the middle of nowhere and look at the stars with you. I want it all with you, Casey, the bad and the good. I've never been more certain of a fact."

Sighing, Alex traced Casey's jaw, playing with her hair along the skin until Casey jerked in her sleep, though she did not wake. "I just wish I were certain of how to ask you if that's what you want, too. I fear you're not ready for that kind of commitment, that it's not fair to you for me to snatch you up the way I have. I'm your first a lot of things, and how can you really judge if you've never experienced what else the world has to offer?"

Casey rolled in her sleep as her dreamlessness turned into a nightmare. Alex knew it was a nightmare because that was the only time she spoke in her sleep. And, speak she did, her head jerking as she panted. "No," Casey murmured. "I'm not leaving her. She's my best friend, Charlie. I'm not leaving her for anyone."

Alex had to hold her breath as Casey's nails dug into her thigh and hip. "No. No, don't hurt me. Please, stop. No, please. Please. That hurts." Casey sobbed in her sleep, her fingers loosening on Alex's skin, allowing the blonde to breathe again. Then, with a whimper that told Alex her girlfriend had woken up, Casey mewled, "Alex?"

"I'm right here, baby," Alex said softly.

"Don't leave me," Casey whispered, her eye lids fluttering as her mind fought going back to sleep while, at the very same time, succumbing to the notion.

Alex stroked Casey's hair before adjusting her so that Casey was laid against Alex's body, tucked in gently, the curves of their bodies following almost perfectly one to the other. "I'll never leave you, sweetheart," she answered, kissing Casey's forehead.


	47. Chapter 47

**(47)**

Alex wrapped her arms around Casey, resting her head on her shoulder as the red haired woman pushed a medley of vegetables and ground beef around the pan. "Smells good. What are you cooking?" she asked.

"I have no idea," Casey admitted. "I just started throwing things from the fridge in there. And, there's noodles." Casey pointed to the larger pot.

"Ah, one of those." She smiled faintly, kissing Casey on the cheek. "Honey, tell me honestly. Are you okay? You're not really you."

Casey shrugged. "Ever since the police arrested Marcus, I've been kind of off edge. I mean, Alex, how could I not be?"

Alex shook her head. "Honey, I know Marcus is Jillian's ex, but do you really think Charlie's going to come back after you, sweetie? Marcus was stalking her for years, and she never told anyone. Has Charlie tried to contact you?"

As Casey's hand tightened around the wooden spoon, Alex gained the answer she needed. "Casey, what has he said? What have you said back?"

"He emailed me a few weeks ago. He just said he missed me and he wanted me back. He couldn't believe I was really a lesbian, that he felt the love we shared was real." Casey paused, prodding, perhaps, a little too hard at the meat in the pan. "All I sent back was an email telling him not to contact me again."

"That's been the only communication? Did he say anything back?" Alex asked, stroking Casey's back but moving so that she could see her partner's face and catch her eyes. Casey stared firmly at the pan. "What else, Casey? If he's stalking you, that needs to be dealt with."

"No law against stalking in New York," Casey said, grinding her teeth.

"That doesn't mean it's not a threat, Casey. I can help you get a restraining order if we need to do that. I want you to be safe from him."

"I am safe, Alex. I mean, how can I not be? We go to work together every day. I work in a secure building. We come home every night. These doors lock, even if we don't."

Alex frowned. "I'm still worried, Casey. Not because of Jillian and what Marcus did to her but because of you and what Charlie has done to you in the past. Being in a public place didn't stop him from throwing you down the subway stairs, honey. If he's trying to contact you, if he's stalking you, then please, tell me."

"How are you going to protect me?" Casey asked.

"What did he do?" Alex returned.

"He sent me flowers," Casey whispered, reaching over and turning off the stove, suddenly not hungry. "To the office. I refused to sign for them. The delivery guy wasn't too happy, but I told him I refused to accept them. He could do what he would, but I refused."

"Has there been anything in the past you didn't tell me about?" Alex asked. "It's been a while since you broke it off with him, Casey."

Pressing her lips together hard, Casey moved away from Alex, wrapping her arms around herself. "I didn't want you to be worried," Casey whispered. "I didn't think it was anything, you know? But, now, with this whole Marcus thing coming up, I'm scared."

"Where is he living now?" Alex asked. "We can go over tomorrow and get you an application for a restraining order. No one will think less of you, Case, if that's what troubles you."

Casey shook her head. "He's homeless," she said. "Last he told me, he was living under a shelter near Central Park. Sometimes, he sends these random letters to the office. They're addressed normally, but the entire letter is ramblings about government conspiracies and how he had to know if I was the real me or a government replacement to spy on him. They're not threatening. He's just a really sick man, Alex. I still don't think he meant to hurt me."

"But, he did hurt you, Casey. And, he did refuse to get help. He knew by not getting help, he would be prone to violence and hurting you. If he truly did not want to harm you, Casey, he would have gotten help."

"I know," Casey murmured, her head down as she stepped backwards out of the kitchen, collapsing into a chair at the dining table.

"Do you, really?" Alex asked, kneeling before her. "Because, I don't think you do. Casey, you love him, and that is perfectly okay. You're a kind hearted, generous person. But, if you go back to him, he will hurt you again, and that scares me. It scares me to think you might go back."

Shaking her head, Casey grabbed Alex's hand and held it to her heart. "I love you, Alex," she whispered. "I love you in the kind of way that I had only imagined loving someone else. I'm not going to go back to him. I just think he's sick. And, I can't help him. And, that kills me."

"Alright," Alex murmured. "No restraining order, then, if you don't want it. Promise me, though, you'll tell me the next time he tries to contact you?"

"I will. He hasn't for almost a month, though," Casey replied. "I'm just nervous. Really, it's silly. I think I'm overreacting."

"No, you're okay. It's okay to be nervous, honey," Alex murmured, standing and leaning over Casey, kissing her. "I'm nervous, too. I don't want you to be frightened, and I don't want to lose you. You're the best person that's ever happened to me in my life."

"Thanks, Ali," Casey whispered, hugging herself to the blonde, listening to the woman's heart racing.

Jillian was still hospitalized with an infection resulting from bacteria on the stairs in the hospital. She had been touch and go for a while, the swelling in her brain too much for her body to handle. A trooper, though, she had woken up a few days prior and identified her attacker. She had been sick from the infection ever since, though, which apparently was fairly advanced because there had been no signs when she was unconscious except for signs consistent with intracranial pressure. The doctors expected her to recover, though, with some mild memory loss to show for it.

Casey and Alex visited her every other day just to keep her company. Occasionally, they ran into Jillian's other friends and family as well as some of the group from the hospital that night. They tried not to talk about the haunted hospital night but about other things instead, though sometimes, it came up, especially when Jillie was just too stressed out to cope any longer.

Alex started working with the Special Victims Unit as planned which involved a lot of nights getting home and throwing her keys on the counter with a growl of frustration. She had a lot of complaints about the detectives which she shared, at length, with Casey who listened patiently. Overall, though, she enjoyed her new position and found that she could take some of her frustrations with the detectives out on the defendants in court. It helped that she was eloquent and well connected.

Fortunately, too, the two women were going to be leaving for vacation, and Alex was counting down each day as it passed with a sigh of relief. She loved her job, even the frustrations that blossomed out of it, but she was excited to actually be spending some time with Casey that did not involve passing back and forth prosecution tactics over dinner or mutual late nights in the office preparing for cases.

Alex kept an eye on Casey, but the woman never said anything further about Charlie attempting to contact her. Still, Alex was a little suspicious. She worried Casey might not tell her because her dislike of Charlie for what he did to her was blatant. From the start, Alex had been firm that Charlie knew he would be harmful without his medication and that by choosing not to take his medication, he had intentionally harmed Casey. Casey disagreed, and both women were firm on their opinions when it came to the man. It was the only thing neither would seem to be able to waiver on.

Casey left the office early one day, though, which made Alex pay a little more attention to her girlfriend's behaviors that day. The biggest flag raised was that she left due to feeling ill, but Alex had not noticed her seeming to feel ill that morning. The other major flag was that Casey told Alex over text, not phone call, something that Alex thought was suspicious.

Had she been able to leave early, Alex would have, but she had a motions hearing at four she had to be at, so it left her anxious all day and into the evening on the train ride back to their shared apartment.

"Casey?" Alex called, stepping into the apartment. "Honey, are you okay? I picked up some soup, potato cream." Alex set her keys and the soup down on the counter. The lights in the apartment were off which made her think that Casey might have fallen asleep, but there was just something too wholly silent about the apartment. Something just did not feel right, though she could not pin point it.

Padding her way into the bedroom, Alex looked over the bed in the near dark, her eyes landing on the lump that was Casey curled up on Alex's side of the bed, clinging to the pillow. "Oh, honey, what's wrong?" Alex asked, her voice low as she crawled over the bed and wrapped herself around her lover.

Casey twisted in Alex's arms so that she was laying against the blonde attorney, her fingers closing over Alex's shirt as she sobbed. "He's dead," she whispered, her voice sounding sore from crying. "He's dead. I killed him."

"Who, honey?" Alex asked.

"Charlie," Casey whined. "I killed him."

Alex licked her lips. "What do you mean you killed him, Casey? You didn't kill him."

"Yes, I did. I didn't love him enough. I didn't help him enough. He died homeless and sick and unwanted, and it's my fault."

Shifting so that she could hold Casey to her better, Alex combed her fingers through the other woman's ruby red hair. "Honey, that's not your fault. You loved him plenty. You loved him more than I think anyone else in the world did. You helped him so much it hurt you, sweetie."

Casey licked her lips. "He carried my business card with him. That's why the ME called me, to identify the body. They didn't know who he was, otherwise. If he hadn't kept that, he would have been a John Doe." Sitting up, Casey pulled the business card out of her pocket and handed it to Alex. It was bent, dirty, and worn; it still identified Casey as a misdemeanor and traffic prosecutor as opposed to the felony docket she carried with her, but it was Casey's card. On the back, in the upper left corner in pink ink was a faded note – 'I will always love you' it read followed by a little heart. "They gave me that back."

Carefully, Alex handed the card back. "Casey, I'm so sorry. I really am. I know you loved him."

"I gave him the card when I was first hired. I was so excited, and he said he wanted to be the first person I handed my new business cards out to, so I gave him that one. I thought for sure he would have lost it or thrown it away, but he kept it, even after all this time."

Alex bit her lip, holding Casey to her in silence, her mind drifting a thousand directions. Casey absently traced the buttons on her blouse, unbuttoning and buttoning them, her fingers fumbling. "Casey," Alex said, her tone inquisitional, "Do you ever regret not going through with your wedding?"

Startling, Casey pulled back and looked up at Alex. "No. God, no. Alex, I had an affair on Charlie with you because that's not how I love him. I love him like family, but not like I would love a husband." Casey stroked Alex's hair behind her ear. "Or a wife, whatever the case may be."

Alex smiled, taking Casey's hand and kissing it. "Okay," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Casey said.

"What about a funeral?" Alex asked. "Will his parents be holding one?"

Casey pressed her lips together hard. "No. I called his parents, asked to be the one to break the news to them. They said they harbored no ill will to me, that they were surprised I had stayed with him for as long as I had. But, they said they couldn't afford a funeral. I guess they paid for his last treatment, but that pretty much broke them. Plus, his dad co-signed on his law school loans. They're in the hole on those, too."

"Would you want to have a funeral for him?"

Nodding, Casey sat up, looking down at Alex. "Everyone deserves at least that, a proper funeral. It means they did something right in their lives."

"Ask his parents if they'll release the body to you, then. We'll give him at least that."

Casey broke out in tears, wrapping her arms around Alex as she curled up on top of her. "Thank you, Ali," she whispered. "Thank you, thank you so much."

Alex made all of the preparations for the funeral. Casey was enough of a mess with self-blame over Charlie's death. She kept saying that if she had not told him to not contact her any longer, he would still be alive. She faulted herself even when his parents did not. Casey had only met Charlie's parents once before the wedding was supposed to occur, but in making arraignments for the funeral, Alex immediately found that she did not like Charlie's father. He was crude and he belittled his wife even while on the phone with Alex. Biting her tongue, Alex managed to refrain from asking him if he beat his wife like Charlie beat Casey. While she did not make it a habit to speak ill of the dead, even if it were true, she could see where Charlie's behavior had originated.

The service itself was Catholic because Charlie had been Protestant and Casey was Catholic and Alex really had no idea what else to do. It was small, too, with Charlie's mother showing up, his father reluctantly nearby, Casey, Alex, and Alex's parents. Alex had asked Casey's parents by way of leaving a voicemail because they would not answer her calls. She did not hear back from them, but she figured that it might have been better that way so that they could not blame Casey for his death.

Casey huddled in Alex's arms the day of the funeral, clinging to her girlfriend like a safety blanket. She held a sunflower in her hands because, she said, she wanted something from the sun to touch Charlie even though he was buried underground. Alex, who was far less superstitious than Casey though still superstitious, had been the one to suggest the sunflower. Sun was in the plant's name. It made sense to her. The only time she broke from Alex's embrace was to place the flower on the coffin after Charlie's mother placed her own white rose on the lid.

Despite being small, it really did turn out nice. Casey laced her hand in Alex's as they walked back to the car. "Thank you," she whispered.

"What for?"

Casey licked her lips. "For being perfect," she answered. "For letting me have this. Funerals aren't for the dead, Ali. They're for the living, and thank you for letting me have this."

"Oh, honey, I wish he were still alive. If I could give you that, I would, but at least he will always be remembered by you." Casey nodded, leaning against Alex as they walked.

The car ride home was silent except for the sounds of the city and the sounds of traffic. Even those, though, did not bother either woman having lived in New York much of their lives. Alex was getting ready to turn into the parking garage beneath their building when Casey reached her hand out and placed it over Alex's. "Can we not? Not yet? I don't want to go home right now."

"Okay," Alex said, carefully pulling back out into traffic. "Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere else," she said.

"Alright," Alex said, her voice thoughtful. "I think I know a place."

Casey smiled faintly. "Thanks."

Alex drove out of the city, up north. They continued on the highway for a good hour and a half before Alex finally turned off down a local road. Casey did not ask where they were going, only stared out of the window, lost in thought. Alex had no idea what he partner was thinking, but she knew it had to do with Charlie and possibly that it had to do with Casey's conflict surrounding her emotions regarding the same man. Casey traced her fingers over the scars he had given her with an absent regard.

Stopping in a large gravel circle, Alex got out of the car and walked around to Casey's side, opening her door. "Come on, Casey, we're here," she said with a smile.

The red head unfolded herself from her seat and stepped out of the car. A ranch style home spread over the grass before them, but there was nothing small about it. She twisted around, staring at the trees lining the long driveway they had driven up and the flowers strewn intermittently throughout the trees and up to the white and red house. "It's beautiful, Alex, but where is here."

"My Uncle Rick's estate," Alex said with a soft smile. "I think it'll help get your mind off things."

Casey bit her lip as two young boys came racing out of the house. "Alex!" the shouted in unison, jumping around her.

Alex laughed. "Todd? Mitchell? Is that really you? You're getting so big!" Alex squealed, hugging each of them.

"'Course it's us, silly!" the oldest of the boys replied. "Me and Todd are nearly grownups like you!"

Alex smiled warmly. "Don't wish it all away too fast, Mitch. Where's Grandpa?"

"Out in the barn," Todd chimed. "He's got a new horse."

"Oh," Alex said. "Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone really special to me." Alex gestured to Casey. "This is Casey. She's my girlfriend. Casey, this is Todd and Mitch. They're my uncle's grandkids."

"Good to meet you both," Casey said.

Todd walked up to Casey and looked at her as though he were sizing her up. "Do you and Alex kiss?" he asked.

Chuckling, Casey nodded. "Yep."

"Girls have cooties," Todd said. "I'm gunna have a boyfriend when I grow up. I don't want cooties."

Alex laughed, ruffling the boy's hair. "Right. You know, that's what I said, too, but now look at me. I got a girlfriend, cooties and all." She winked at Casey who smiled back. "Alright, guys, can you lead the way to the barn?"

The two boys took off racing while Alex and Casey followed behind. Casey held Alex's hand as they walked, both women looking far too overdressed for the ranch. "You know what, Alex," Casey murmured.

"Hm?"

"Your family is something else entirely. I like it."

"I'm glad," Alex purred, stopping and turning Casey to face her, pressing their lips together is a firm but chaste kiss. It was Casey, though, who pushed Alex's lips apart while simultaneously pulling the blonde closer to her. Alex had hesitated, not sure if she should or not considering they had just driven back from a funeral. But, Casey had been sure. And, Alex let Casey take the reins on that wagon. Charlie had meant a heck of a lot more to Casey than he ever had to Alex, and even after the abuse, Alex had been surprised at how much Casey still genuinely cared for him.

"When you two are done eating each other's faces, why don't you come in and help with the horses. Alex, it's about damn time you taught these boys how to saddle English," an older man shouted from a short distance, his accent very much Southern. "You gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?"

Casey immediately pulled away from Alex, flushing bright crimson as she bowed her head like a school girl.

Alex turned Casey's heated face back to her, smiling softly. She kissed her gently as if to spite the blush though succeeding in making it turn darker. "That's my Uncle Rick," she murmured softly, taking Casey's hand and walking into the barn.

"Uncle Ricky, this is Casey; Casey, Uncle Rick."

Casey held out her hand, surprised to find herself drawn into a tight hug. "Aren't you something beautiful," he murmured, holding her at arm's length and looking her over. "How did Alex con you into dating her?"

Flushing again, Casey chewed the inside of her cheek.

"Uncle," Alex said, retrieving her partner from her family member. "You're embarrassing her."

"Good." He patted Casey's cheek before hugging Alex. "I hear you're a big shot lawyer in the city."

"Not really. Just prosecuting."

"That's pretty impressive, Alex."

"Says you," Alex jibbed.

The man shrugged. "You followed your heart, Ali. That's pretty impressive. Not many people have the kind of courage it takes to do that. What about you, Casey?"

"Alex and I work in the same office."

"Uh oh, you two know what you're getting into, dating an attorney?"

"Each other," Alex said with a smirk and a wink. Her uncle snickered.

Casey stared between the two. She had not heard Alex make such provocative innuendos since her first year in law school. Once she had actually passed the bar, Alex seemed to have grown up beyond that, but, apparently, it was just a cover up she used. Though, truth be told, Casey still was not entirely certain how she would have handled the same in their New York apartment environment.

"Why do you two look like you've been to a funeral?" he uncle asked.

Shuffling her feet, Casey changed her focus to the ground. Alex rubbed her hand over Casey's shoulder. "We were. Casey needs some distracting, so I thought I would bring her out here."

"I'm sorry, Casey," Rick said, a small frown playing on his face. "Kelly's in the kitchen if she didn't come out to greet you. She's got some big project going in there that I don't even want to know about. Otherwise, why don't you two make yourselves at home? I'll let Kelly know there's two more people."

"Thanks, Uncle Rick," Alex said. "Mind if I borrow Snowy?"

"By all means," the man said, gesturing to a dapple mare a few stalls in to the barn. "She's a sucker for carrots."

"Hey, we have something in common," Alex murmured, her gaze flowing appreciatively over Casey. "I really like carrot tops."

Casey pressed her lips together, staring at her feet until the older man left. Alex's uncle chuckled all the way out of the barn, shaking his head. For a family that was very formal in a public setting, in private, they were very close and open, very liberal which surprised Casey because Alex had some very conservative moments.

"Alex," Casey whispered as the blonde took her hand and lead her over to the horse, stopping briefly for a handful of treats from a nearby bucket.

"What's up, honey?" Alex asked, pressing a treat into the middle of her palm and offering it to the horse who took it between her lips and crunched happily, sniffing at Alex's hand for more treats.

As Alex placed another treat in Casey's hand this time, flattening the fingers of her girlfriend's hand, Casey held her breath. "I haven't ridden since the stables in Cambridge."

"No?" Alex questioned as she let the horse out, guiding her with little more than a hand on the mare's neck. "Funny. Me, either. Let's see if I remember how to do this, then." With a devilish smile, Alex grabbed onto the mane of the horse before her and swung herself easily up onto her back.

Snowy nickered and snorted but stood still. "Good girl," Alex said as she leaned forward, patting the horse's neck before feeding her a treat. Alex held her hand out to Casey. "Grab on and jump. I'll pull you up."

Casey eyed Alex warily but took the blonde's hand, Alex true to her word, hoisting Casey up as she jumped. "Leg over her back. Just like that. Good job, Casey. Now, hold on to me, okay?"

Nodding, Casey scooted tight against Alex's back, her arms around Alex's middle. Alex clucked her tongue and, holding to the mare's mane for support and steering assistance, the three were off. Most of Alex's direction to the horse was conveyed through weight distribution and pressure from the blonde's strong thighs. Casey just held on and followed suit.

Pretty soon, they were off at a mild canter over Richard Cabot's land toward a grove of trees. Casey just held on, her lip between her teeth with nerves. They broke through a path in the trees, slowing down as the horse seemed to know to wander along the path of her own accord. But then, the path was the easy way. There was no sense in making it more difficult.

As they loped along, Alex released Snowy's mane, letting the horse graze leisurely along the path as she sat up, her fingers tracing over Casey's. Eventually, too, Casey began to relax, and, rather than cling to her girlfriend, she rested casually against her, her lips pressed against her neck. "Where are we going?" Casey asked.

"Someplace special," Alex murmured. "I've been going since I was a kid. I only hope it didn't grow over in the past few years. I've never taken anyone except the horses."

"Really?" Casey asked, excitement fluttering through her stomach.

"Yea. But, I want to take you. I want to remind you of something."

Pressing her lips together, Casey dipped her head, smiling softly. She wrapped her arms more casually around Alex, pressing her cheek into her lover's back as she closed her eyes, a feeling of peace lulling over her as they loped along, their bodies rocking in rhythm with the horse. Casey lost herself in the sound of Alex's heart, the air moving in and out of her lungs, and the sounds around her of the woods. Alex really had a thing for nature, and Casey could see why.


End file.
